Pheaturing Scott Aukerman

Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? If opportunity doesn't knock, at least you don't have to get off the couch to answer the door. Walt Disney World is set to re-open a small portion tomorrow, and with the rest of the country still in lockdown, people are wondering if this is a good idea on Disney’s part. Nevertheless, Disney (the greatest company to work for ever, but needs to offer me a retirement package) is pushing through with it, and they’ve added a small disclaimer abolishing them of responsibility if any guest should contract COVID-19 in the park. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Disney Springs shopping and dining complex will be opening again tomorrow, and with that, Disney has put up this disclaimer on their website, "An inherent risk of exposure to COVID-19 exists in any public place where people are present. COVID-19 is an extremely contagious disease that can lead to severe illness and death.” The statement also ends with, "By visiting Walt Disney World Resort, you voluntarily assume all risks related to exposure to COVID-19." Of course, this doesn’t mean that Disney isn’t doing nothing when it comes to prevention of the spread of the virus. Visitors will still be require to wear a mask upon coming to the park, and more custodians will be assigned to more "high-touch" areas. Guests will also have their temperature checked before they enter the park. This is said to be the first phase of Disney’s plan to slowly re-open. There are also plans to re-open the whole resort soon, but for now, we have yet to get a solid date. Personally, I’m not sure if this is a great idea on Disney’s part, but if they think they can do this without inciting a second wave of coronavirus, then by all means, they should try to re-open. I’m just curious who’s brave enough to try and “enjoy” the park what with us being in the middle of a pandemic.
People have a lot of useless talents, like being able to lick your elbow or playing the oboe, but this one takes the cake. A woman in Oregon, apparently, has the relatively unique ability to swallow an entire stick of butter in one quick sitting like some sort of Paula Deen/anaconda hybrid. There is, really, no back story to screen shot from video...

It’s just a lady swallowing an entire stick of butter. Why? You may be asking yourself. No idea. Does there need to be an answer to "why" here? Can there be? That’s like asking why your dog is doing something weird and pointless. It doesn’t know. You don’t know. There is no answer. It’s just happening. Even still, I have some thoughts. Really surprised this isn’t something a 19-year-old is doing. This lady looks like she’s on the PTA but here she is taking down enough butter to make a pie crust with. This should be happening at some college apartment with five empty bottles of vodka worth a combined twenty dollars when full laying around. Not at the end of a cul-de-sac. I got hard just watching this. Specifically, my heart. Because what’s happening in this video is so unhealthy that it made me fatter just watching it. It made me chubby in the wrong way. This woman might not have a gag reflex but she should still be puking. If her throat doesn’t have that power you would think her stomach would have sensed that she was deep-throating half a pack of Land-O-Lakes and been like, “NOPE! Get outta here.” So apparently not only does this woman lack a gag reflex but she has an iron stomach too. But I don’t care how strong her stomach is, the toilets in her house had to be a war zone the day after she did this. Go ahead and call this the Butter Challenge and see how many kids ruin their weeks trying to recreate this.
So you want to try to barbecue rattlesnake? Definitely make sure it’s dead first. An Arizona man learned that lesson... a lesson no one on Earth should really ever have to learn in the first place... the hard way. Okay kids, if you catch a live rattlesnake in your backyard, let it go! Do not make it your pet. Good. We got that out of the way. Some guy in Arizona didn’t exactly heed that same advice, though, and tried to barbecue one. Unfortunately, poor decisions can result in terrible consequences. In the case of this man trying to show kids how to handle a rattlesnake, that’s exactly what happened. As the story goes, the whole family was enjoying a birthday in their Arizona hometown when a rattlesnake slithered into the yard. It was at that point Victor Pratt decided he wanted to show everybody that rattlesnakes are nothing to be afraid of. So, as any man would do, he grabbed it, started rolling around on the ground, and kept holding it by the head with intentions to cook it. “When the kids saw it, I grabbed it,” Pratt said in an interview. “I showed them how to catch it and I was playing with it like little kids do. This is how you play with a snake. I wasn’t thinking. I was showing off like I always do and this time it got me in the neck.” After being bitten by the rattlesnake in the facial-neck region and on his chest, Pratt immediately knew he was in trouble. After five days of being in so much pain they kept him sedated and mostly unconscious, he was released to go back home. I always say don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Victor Pratt sure didn't listen.
The Ku Klux Klan held a rally in Anaheim, California and when people got wind of it, things went exactly how you’d expect them to go. Steve Kuzj filmed a video of the brawl that broke out between the Klan and protestors and it is… hardcore. The protesters are not messing around. Considering most of them are minorities and are confronting America’s most notorious racist hate group, this isn’t really surprising, of course. It is, however, still jarring. Violence is scary. Who knew. According to Kuzj, three people in total were stabbed. One person was, apparently, stabbed with a Confederate flag like it was a spear, which feels super on-brand for a Klan rally. The Los Angeles Times reported that, “twelve people were arrested, but the five KKK members taken into custody were later released after investigators determined they were acting in self-defense.” Seven protesters were also arrested. You have to think Klan members both expect and, honestly, probably welcome this. To an extent at least. No one wakes up wanting to get stabbed. Still, it makes them look a little sympathetic. People see this and think, “Well they’re obviously bad racists but we do have a first amendment and I don’t like people who use violence to suppress that. Principles!” Beating the shit out of the Klan really does help them at the end of the day. Which sucks, because it’s probably satisfying, even if it’s wrong and counterproductive. Who the hell joins the Klan? How do you get to that point? Was there not a bowling league in your town? And do they leave this part out of the recruitment materials? You probably don’t see a guy getting run through with a flag pole in the “The Klan and You” brochure.
A 23-year-old South Carolina woman has been arrested after authorities stated she intentionally set her car on fire while her 14-month-old son sat inside the vehicle. According to the Columbia Police Department, Caylin Allise Watson was charged with attempted murder, first-degree arson, third-degree arson, and abuse of great bodily injury. Investigators say that the car was parked on Mile Marker 1 on I-126 West just after 1:30 in the afternoon on Sunday. Unfortunately, due to the fire, the child suffered severe burns on his body and is currently in critical condition at the Augusta Burn Center. Watson was treated for minor injuries at the hospital before she was arrested and taken Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center. According to four witnesses who were traveling along the highway, they saw the car on fire and immediately stopped to help by calling 911. The bystanders also stopped along the road and attempted to save the child fro the fire. Columbia police officers quickly arrived on the scene along with several members of the Columbia Fire Department to put out the fire. Watson was then detained by authorities after they found evidence suggesting the fire was intentionally set. The South Carolina Law Enforcement Division is also helping with processing the crime scene. The motive as to why the mother attempted to burn her child inside the car is still under investigation.
Okay, so yesterday in the "Ask Jason" pheature I told you about the email I received from the woman asking if she's wrong for beating her boyfriend in a weightlifting contest to prove a point. Well, she emailed me back and said, "I still didn't get a word of him but since you asked, I will make sure to update you when he does. Thank you for the response. That was a bit of a rollercoaster day but it made it easier to know I'm not completely in the wrong." Well, it and it sounds like the relationship is (thankfully) over. Movie theaters are getting very clever with their marquee signs since the pandemic started...

I like it. What I don't like though is the stupid protestor signs...

Dummy. If I had a TARDIS I would go and try to meet Princess Diana but knowing my luck I'd see her talking to Rowan Atkinson while greeting the cast of the Royal Variety Show in 1984.

She looks so cute there. This will cheer you up if you are not feeling too happy... a pic of "dog food."

Everybody go "awe." Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Things That Were Said By Women Today
5. You're legally requited to say "oh big stretch" when a cat or dog stretches, regardless of the actual size of the stretch.
4. Delete a letter of his name from your contacts every time he makes you upset. When his names gone, he's gone. Hangman that motherfucker.

3. Living in L.A. it's always hard to differentiate between people cheering for essential workers and people making noise because they're not getting enough attention that day.
2. When you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, it was when the asshole who broke quarantine.
And the number one things that was said by a woman today was...
1. Finally, ugly girl summer.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, here's another story from the state I live in...

A Missouri couple shooting the breeze in Florida‘s marshes had the sort of close encounter that absolutely no one wants to have. A real big alligator went from a motionless log of a tourist attraction to pirating the boat they were taking a swamp tour on. Worse yet, the whole thing was caught on Facebook Live when, according Fox 13, Tylor and Emerald Hindery’s tour boat got stuck in a mud bank. The cool filming opportunity quickly turned into a nightmare. The gator, as best as gator can with its stubby legs, lunged at them and boarded the boat. Look at this...

The Hindery family spoke with KY3 after the harrowing incident. “I kind of had to talk Emerald into going on it,” Tylor Hindery said. “And that’s when, boom it just happened all of the sudden.” “At that point, it kind of, for a few seconds, was like this isn’t real life right now,” he said. “I was like, ‘Oh my goodness, I’m still alive let’s film the again.'” Fortunately, the gator harmlessly shuffled off the other side of the boat without taking anyone down with him as a snack. No one on that boat will ever move that fast again. Ever. They all would’ve beaten Usain Bolt of the blocks, that’s how quick they booked it once that gator went Jack Sparrow and boarded their vessel without permission. Gators are so damn fast. It’s terrifying. And not fair. Those stupid little legs should not have that kind of power on land. There’s no way, at any point during that video before the gator hopped on the boat, that I would be like, “haha wow that gator is close this is fun” like the voices in the video were acting. All I would be doing is saying, “Can we move. Please. Now. NOW. NOWWWWWWW. I’m not dying on a swamp tour Goddammit!” Don't let snakes and alligators bite you, people!

"Friends" knew there'd be a lockdown.

Okay, let's look and see what is going on right now in Port Jefferson, shall we?

A few people out walking with their masks on I hope. And for the people that asked me if I'm always going to show a pic of Port Jeff now in every entry, I said yes. And it's a live screen shot from EarthCam.

The U.S. Space Force... the newest branch of the armed services... now has its own flag. Defense Department officials presented President Donald Trump with the Space Force flag during a short Oval Office event on Friday. The dark blue and white flag includes elements intended to evoke the vast recesses of outer space. The Space Force, which was officially established in December, is the first new military service since the U.S. Air Force was established in 1947. The 16,000 airmen and civilians that make up the Space Force technically remain part of the Air Force, which previously oversaw offensive operations in space. But Trump has made clear he sees the newest service as critical to the future of American defense. The president said during Friday’s ceremony that the U.S. is building a “super-duper missile” that can travel “17 times faster than what we have right now.” The flag includes a Delta Wing... long a symbol in the Air Force... meant to signify change and innovation. Dark and light shades of gray within the delta were incorporated in a nod to the 24/7 nature of the Space Force’s work. The flag also features a globe, for the Space Force fighters’ home turf, and an elliptical orbit around the globe was incorporated to signify the force’s mission to defend and protect from adversaries and threats emanating in space. This flag was produced by artists and craftspeople at the Defense Logistics Agency flag room in Philadelphia from a design finalized and documented by the Department’s Institute of Heraldry at Fort Belvoir, Virginia.

The 125th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum John Oates will be the guest on the Phile on Friday. And I never done this before but I have to show you what the 126th book to be pheatured on the Phile's Book Club will be...

Yes! Next week Ringo Starr will be on the Phile! I couldn't wait to share that!

Phact 1. The ignition on all Porsches is located on the left side of the wheel. This is because back when Porsche was primarily a racing team, the driver could save a fraction of a second by starting the car with his left hand, while simultaneously switching the car into gear with his right hand.

Phact 2. Sometimes during a week, electricity prices can drop below zero in Europe.

Phact 3. There are two authors named “Michael Dobbs” who are constantly confused by the press, and their work misattributed to each other. They traced their ancestry back and found that they are distant relatives.

Phact 4. The FBI started compiling a file on Sacha Baron Cohen while he was filming Borat after receiving numerous complaints about a strange man traveling around the country in an ice cream truck.

Phact 5. There is an online version of the 1911 version of Encyclopedia Britannica.

Today's guest is an American writer, actor, comedian, television personality, director, producer, and podcast host. He is the co-creator of "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis" and is the director of Between Two Ferns: The Movie which you can see on Netflix. Please welcome to the Phile... Scott Aukerman.

Me: Hey, Scott, welcome to the PhIle. How are you?

Scott: Hi there, Jason. Glad to be here.

Me: So, can you tell the readers what "Between Two Ferns" is about. I can, but I want you to tell them.

Scott: Yeah, it's kinda like one night talk show host told me it's the kinda show they wished they could do but they're not allowed to. But it's basically Zach Galifianakis has celebrities on and asks them the worst questions and just insults them continuously for about five minutes.

Me: I wish I could do a show like that as well. Who are some of the guests that appeared on the show?

Scott: Barack Obama, Natalie Portman, Justin Bieber, Bruce Willis, Jerry Seinfeld just to name a few.

Me: Who was one of your favorite guests you had on the show?

Scott: Charlize Theron. She was so cool. She was one of the people who was the nicest and came with no handlers. She just came by herself and also was the only actor I ever saw who could make up a fake story and cry about it.

Me: Where is the show taped?

Scott: In a garage, in a tool shed actually that Funny or Die had. There were rakes and lawnmowers in it.

Me: I'm sure everyone is on the joke, right?

Scott: Yeah, for the most part. I'll say for celebrities don't know what we're going to ask them though and it's led to some truly uncomfortable moments.

Me: Really? Like what?

Scott: There's been a few where I can't really tell of the people know what they're doing there. Because a lot of times when they're doing press for something they just kind of get shoveled around from interview to interview. At one point I found I was talking to someone I just assumed they knew what they're in for and they were looking at me so strangely and in about five minutes it occurred to me they never heard of the show and didn't know who Zach was. So its led to some weird moments. But for the most part people are in on it and ask to be insulted.

Me: I personally love Zach and had him on the Phile before. I'm sure some people can't make fun of themselves. Am I right?

Scott: If they make enough money and have enough money to distance themselves from anything uncomfortable, I thing the audience really loves the audience be out into these awkward situations where they have to take these jokes and are forced to be told that the things they do were not very successful, or they had failures in their life. 

Me: Even Justin Bieber who handled it pretty well, right?

Scott: He was going through the worst period of his life where he was doing all the Anne Frank stuff, saying she would be a Beliebers and all that. He wanted to do the show in the middle of that and that was just the perfect time for us because there was so much to make fun of him over.

Me: Now there's a film on Netflix... was that improvised?

Scott: We had kind of a loose structure of a script but it wasn't even in a structure, it's kind of like we just filmed scenes and then new there was a road movie element to it. There were some road movies kind of scenes but every time we would shoot I would be basically taking the actors through "this version of it you're going to do this but in case we put it later in the movie let's do a version where you're happy with Zach, let's do a version where you're angry with Zach." It's kind of like an inefficient way to do a movie.

Me: Yeah, I guess it was challenging making this film.

Scott: Yes, it was challenging in editing. The first cut was over three hours long. But at the same time it was also good because we didn't have to pick up a lot of scenes because we had so many versions. We totally changed the ending of the movie and I basically because we shot a totally different version of it I was able to use that instead.

Me: Is Zach okay with this all this all the time? He's a pretty sensitive guy.

Scott: He's a really nice guy. When we first started doing this we were doing it with people we knew very well. Michael Cera was the very first one, Jimmy Kimmel was the second one and John Hamm, who was an old friend of ours who suddenly started doing a show called "Mad Men" that he wanted to promote, we did one with him but we had known these people for a really long time. So Zach was very comfortable being mean to them because that's what a comedians sense of humor is when they're with a friend and that's just being mean to them. Suddenly on the fourth episode Natalie Portman called Funny Or Die and said she loved the show and wanted to do it. None of us have ever met her before and that was the first time I could tell Zach was too nice to ask a mean question to somebody he didn't know. Because I'd written a joke basically saying she was in the movie V For Vendetta, she shaved her head for that did she also shave her "V" for vagina. And he didn't want to say it. He said he wasn't going to say it in the moment while we were filming. He and I were sort of a good cop bad cop routine where he would say "they want me to say this and I don't want to say it" and I'll be like, "Zach, you have to say it." And sort of be the bad guy. Then he'd go ahead and say it. That's definitely the biggest challenge filming these is he breaks more than the celebrity. He wants to kind of cushion the blow a little more than the celebrity wants him to.

Me: When Zach was here he said something about "Between Two Friends" saying something like its sort of showing how absurd chat shows could be. Do you agree?

Scott: Yeah, when we do a televised talk show it's very over produced. So we are put in touch with a producer a couple weeks ahead of time and there's a phone interview where we tall just any story that comes to mind that we think will be entertaining. And the producer will say that was funny, or I got to do that on the show, well, maybe we won't do that one. They call several times before the actual performance or before the actual show and they even talk to me right before I go on saying remember to tell that story. So it's all very contrived. So on one hand it's really great to see a celebrity interview where it could go off the rails where they don't know what's going to happen which is really refreshing. Also there's something with celebrity culture where celebrities are so revered as the greatest people on earth.

Me: Yeah, often they're called "Gods," right? If that's not biblical I don't know what is.

Scott: Nowadays the trend for a celebrity is to come across the earth in a controlled setting like a carpool karaoke thing or something. Oh my God, how awesome would it be in the backseat of a car with Paul McCartney and him singing along to the radio? It's all just a major shoot with talent producers and publicists and every everywhere. That's always the great thing about the "Between Two Ferns" stuff, is we would say publicists are not allowed and we only want it to be the star, Zach and me in the room because then people get comfortable and anything can happen.

Me: Including the set flooding. I have to show this screen shot...

Scott: Yeah, that was a little more involved.

Me: People might know you from the show you created and host called "Comedy Bang! Bang!" Hows did that show start?

Scott: It started as a radio show in L.A. radio and the four episodes I was going to talk to comedians about comedy. I had Kevin Nealon on the second one, and the comedian Greg Barron on the third one and we just talked he process a lot. My station manager came over to me and said, "When I hired you to do this show I thought you were gonna just do comedy, not just talk about comedy."

Me: I just started recently having comedians on the Phile these last year or so and getting them to talk about how and why they do it. I think that's kinda cool, and you did that years ago. Did you stop doing that?

Scott: Pretty much around that after the fourth episode I started having comedians on doing what they actually do which is comedy instead of telling why they do it.

Me: I have different characters on the Phile, which I always liked when Letterman or Conan had characters. You also have characters on your show...do they work well and how did that start?

Scott: It became so much fun and I had a comedian named Andy Daly on very early, around the sixth episode and he was playing a character and I started interviewing him and started derailing his bit. His bit was pretty preplanned on what his character was going to talk about. But I started just asking inane questions and he's an amazing improvisor and started answering them in character and it deviated wildly what we were supposed to talk about. It really reminded me of Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner's "2000 Year Old Man." I thought this was interesting and how the show could go and that's really what its become.

Me: So, your company also does the Conan podcast, right?

Scott: Yeah, I think we did something like sixty shows.

Me: I have a copy of Variety with Conan on the cover and it says podcasting has finally arrived. Do you think podcasting is having a moment or is there too many and its hard to get noticed anymore? 

Scott: It's kind of a combination of both. I was lucky to get in ten and a half years ago when I started and there weren't a lot of comedy podcasts. I benefited from such amazing press over the years because I really was one of the only ones. It felt like a secret that no one knew about unless you were cool. I remember people would say what is a podcast and I still feel ashamed whenever I say I have a podcast. Do you have one, Jason?

Me: No, but I thought a few times I should, but I just like doing this blog. Okay, so I worked at Disney World for over 31 years, Scott. I heard that you once worked at Disneyland. What did you do?

Scott: I was a costumed character.

Me: Who did you play?

Scott: Because I'm 6'2 I would rotate between all the tall characters. So most of the time I would be Goofy, not Pluto. Pluto is more like a horse, it's two men operation. Br'er Bear, Captain Hook, that kind of thing. What do you do at Disney World?

Me: I'm a coordinator in attractions at Hollywood Studios. How did you like being a character?

Scott: It was the worst job that I ever had. This is in 1998 and what I understand the costumes are more comfortable now but because I'm tall there's these giant contraptions that were very, very hot. I did it for a summer which was one of the hottest summers.

Me: Haha. Scott, thanks for being on the Phile. Tell Zach I said hi and please come back on again. 

Scott: I will, Jason, thank you.

Pluto is not a "two men operation." What was he talking about? Hahaha. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Scott Aukerman for a good interview. Okay, I feel like such an ass... Phile Alum Brian Howe passed away on May 6th... and I kept on forgetting to mention it. Anyway, he was on the Phile last July and he was really cool and will be missed. He was looking forward to coming back on again. Anyway, here's the link to his interview...
thepeverettphile.blogspot.com/2018/07/pheaturing-brian-howe.html. The Phile will be back tomorrow with filmmaker Chris Smith. Spread the word, not the turd... or virus. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon