Thursday, March 27, 2008

"You're F'ing Welcome" -The First Amendment

Maybe we wouldn't have so many drunken astronauts if all these computers didn't have spacebars. Man, I can't believe I started the blog saying that. Welcome to the Phile, the internet's most updated and insane blog. So, this weekend in Orlando it's Wrestling Weekend with Wrestlemania 24, the Hall of Fame ceremony and Raw all happening here in Florida. I was wondering today, if I was a wrestler what would
my name be? The Fat Red Grumpy, Sulk Sogan, Gorilla Ass, Dork Wad, Duke Belly Peverett? Who knows? The American Nightmare? The British Dream? A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
Starbucks has canceled its plans to sell a one-dollar cup of coffee. A company spokesman said, “You’ll still be able to get a one-dollar cup of coffee at Starbucks but it’s going to cost you eight bucks.” In Los Angeles, a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from a restaurant. Police say it took five minutes to catch the suspect and two hours to pat him down. Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is threatening to sue one of her biggest fans because he’s trying to put out a Harry Potter encyclopedia. The man says he’s not happy about being sued by Rowling — but at least it’s technically some form of contact with a girl. Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has reportedly entered therapy for a sex addiction. Spitzer said his therapy is going well and that his therapist has a fantastic rack. A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy. The White House held their annual Easter Egg Roll on Sunday. They do it every year. And just like every year, the president got all confused again . . . he ordered the egg roll and a side of rice. People magazine has published the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twins. I got all excited and went out and bought the magazine . . . and it’s pictures of her children! Not what I expected at all. Hollywood news: Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next month. She goes through husbands like New York goes through mayors. Not such a great week for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of Jingle all the Way. Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. “Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?” Crazy if Hillary’s campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain. Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama’s campaign is all about hope — hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble. Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper’s parachute. He’s wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called the kids; he wants his pants back.
D.B. Cooper is the only criminal to get away by jumping from a plane. I want to sky dive. Sky diving is good for finding out what you’d look like with a facelift. That was the monologue, thanks in part to the writing staff of "Late Night".


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list.
Top Ten Signs Your Governor’s Having Sex With a Hooker
10. Starts every speech with "Four whores and seven grand ago..."
9. Governor's mansion is a hotel room on the Interstate
8. Always has that lovely cheap perfume smell about him
7. He gives a "State of My Unit" address
6. Second Thursday in April is now "Take a Whore To Work Day"
5. He's smiling...his wife ain't
4. His budget includes line item for "gettin' it on"
3. Before every executive decision asks, "What would Charlie Sheen do?"
2. Local hookers complaining they can't get that "gubernatorial" taste out of their mouths
And the number one sign your governor is having sex with a hooker... 
1. Leaves a tip for his wife after sex


Richard Widmark: Hollywood says goodbye to the King of the Weasels.
Jim Nepred:
A fellow Disney co-worker and friend, whose death made half of Innoventions cry. Jimbo, I'll miss you.


A 50-year-old woman was arrested Thursday after Hernando County deputies said she hit her 78-year-old husband several times because she was upset about their sex life. Ursula Fitzner faces a charge of battery on a person 65 or older. Her husband told sheriff's deputies that she sat in his lap for about 16 hours and became irate because she couldn't have sex with him, the Sheriff's Office reported. Fitzner told authorities she did not hit him. She has been arrested several times on similar charges, though some were dropped or abandoned, according to state records. After she was charged in late 2003 and early 2004 with aggravated battery, Hernando County judges found Fitzner not guilty by reason of insanity and ordered her committed to the Florida Department of Children and Families. A judge ordered her recommitted to the DCF on July 25; she was discharged from a state hospital on Jan. 17.


Pontius Pilate condemns Jesus to death.
Patent for a urinal is granted to Andrew Rankin.
Argentina declares war on Nazi Germany. Of course, this was just a silly charade for the benefit of the world community. Argentina would be a quiet ally of Germany for the duration of the war, even welcoming many Nazi and SS leaders to emigrate there in the aftermath.
One of the largest quakes in US history strikes southeast of Anchorage, Alaska, hitting 8.6 on the richter scale. 118 people are killed, and a tidal wave destroys four square blocks of Anchorage. The control tower at the airport, 60 feet high, snapped. Damage in the state is estimated at $500 million.
The worst airline disaster in history occurs when the confused pilot of a KLM Boeing 747 taking off collides with a Pan Am Boeing 747 which was on the runway. A total of 583 people die.


A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical. “Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he asks. “That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?” “No.” “Do you drink?” “No.” “Do you fool around with loose women?”
“Of course not.” “Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”

I interrupt this entry with a verse from the Bible. Philippians 4:13 --- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success. Pass it on to ten people whom you want to see blessed. Don't forget to send it back to the one who sent it to you. I will now bring you back to the regular Phile.


n a move highly reminiscent of Fanboys idol George Lucas, the Weinsteins have announced they will be releasing two editions of the still-unreleased movie on DVD. The problem is, they still haven't announced a theatrical or DVD release date for either version. The Hollywood Reporter has the long and torturous story. If you've been following this poor film's route, you know that the movie centers on a group of friends trying to sneak into Skywalker Ranch so that their cancer-stricken friend can see The Phantom Menace. The Weinsteins decided the entire cancer subplot should be removed, and spent $2 million on reshoots, only to have the film begin failing test screenings. Now, fans (led, it must be said, by the 501st Stormtrooper Legion) have gone on the warpath. 30,000 e-mails have been sent to the production company, along with threats of a boycott of all Weinstein films, a picket line at Superhero Movie, and cries of "Darth Weinstein!" have forced the company's hand -- slightly. The Weinstein Co has agreed to release two versions of the film on DVD -- the original, and the reshot version, and are pondering whether to release both in the theatre. But the wrath of the 501st has not been appeased. "This is clearly a vain attempt by the Weinstein Co. to avert Star Wars fans' impending boycott of all of their films," the group said. "It's not going to work, Darth Weinstein. There was never any doubt that you would release both versions of the movie on DVD, probably months apart, so as to leech as much money from Star Wars fans as possible. Our boycott will continue until the Weinstein Co. announces that they are returning control of Fanboys to the Star Wars fans who made it, releasing the original version in theaters and doing away with their anti-fan version of the film altogether." This is just so unbelievably crazy, I don't even know what to say. I saw a few clips from Fanboys at FX in '07 and thought it was really funny -- and certainly not the kind of film that should provoke so much drama. I can't believe the Weinsteins have wasted so much time and effort in tinkering with the movie rather than simply releasing it. At this point, if they release the original theatrical version, they stand a chance to profit from overjoyed geeks (the 501st alone can probably turn a profit in ticket sales), but it certainly won't do a thing sitting on the shelf. Madness.


Constantine 2
Although director Francis Lawrence has hinted otherwise, Keanu Reeves says he has no plans to star as the tortured demonologist in another film. Now, if he said he won't do this movie because he's too busy with Bill & Ted, Part 3, that would be OK. Since we're getting neither, this sucks.
Gran Torino
Some sources claim this return to acting for Clint Eastwood is his final appearance as Dirty Harry, while others say this film will have him starring as an uptight white guy trying to get along with his Hmong immigrant neighbors. I'm fine if the film's about him and the immigrants … but only if they're being terrorized by Chinese gangsters and he has to strap on his .45 Magnum again.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
In an extremely disgusting, majorly NSFW trailer, the new flick from Troma Films features chicken-fried zombies eating the living. However, since the creatures seem so interested in their victims' backsides, I can't tell if the horror takes place in a fast food joint or in a proctologist's office.
I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to Be Your Class President
"Daily Show" writer Josh Lieb is crafting both the book and screenplay adaptation about a teenage mastermind who wants to impress his dad. Good thing the kid doesn't run for president of the marching band because that never impresses anybody.
My Bloody Valentine
Yes, they're remaking another low-budget '70s slasher film, but this one will have the gore in 3-D to better gross out audiences. If they really want to make people feel nauseous, then they should force-feed them those disgusting candy-valentine hearts during screenings.

There you go, another entry. Now, here's the sitch... there's not going to be an update next week as on we are going to Washington D.C. on vacation. So, the Phile will be back on April 10th. Until then, spread the word, and remember... Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three. Come on baby, do you do more than dance? I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded. 'Nuff said.

Friday, March 21, 2008

You're The 4000th Person To Read This Blog

Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog, now with over 4000 views, or hits. I wanted to hit 4000 by Easter, which is this coming Sunday, and we did it. So, thanks to everyone that reads this blog. Did everybody have a safe St. Patrick's Day on Monday? I was so irritated at work on St. Pat's day, just like I am every year. I hate it when everyone where's green and acts like they are Irish for a day. Wearing their "Kiss Me I'm Irish" t-shirts. No you're not! You're from Mexico! Then everybody is coming up to me and saying, "Happy St. Patrick's Day." I said thanks, but I am not Irish. "But on St. Patrick's Day everyone's Irish." So, what, then on Bastille Day I'm French? On Passover I'm Jewish? Gay Days I'm gay? Father's Day I'm a father? Oh, wait, I am a father. Kwanzaa I'm black? Halloween I'm pagan? Okay, I got that off my chest. So, the 15th International Flower and Garden Festival started at Epcot. Flowers and boring. The vesus flytrap display is cool though. And they have a display on irrigation. Yawn. The identity of New York Gov Eliot Spitzer’s prostitute has been revealed. When asked why she slept with New York’s governor, she said, “Because New Jersey’s governor is into guys.” She’s an R&B singer. She says her latest song is inspired by a guy. She didn’t say what guy, but she did say a “bald, creepy governor.” She says she doesn’t want to be thought of as a monster. She said unless of course, someone has $4,000 and they're into role playing. Political experts say that before the scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him for a possible running mate. Now, Hillary is considering Spitzer as a possible husband. Things are bad. We’ve got an unpopular war . . . high energy prices . . . a slumping economy . . . I just hope to God the president doesn’t find out. Friday morning, President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs, and jobs continued to be lost. So when asked what part of the economy is working, Bush said, “Hookers are doing well.” It’s been reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is Renegade, and Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service name is Evergreen. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is Enlarged Prostate. According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks. Dick Cheney says "Fuck you": Five years after the start of the war in Iraq, Vice President Dick Cheney offered a positive assessment of the war today and called last year's troop surge a "major success." "On the security front, I think there's a general consensus that we've made major progress, that the surge has worked. That's been a major success," Cheney told ABC News' Martha Raddatz. When asked about how that jibes with recent polls that show about two-thirds of Americans say the fight in Iraq is not worth it, Cheney replied, "So?" "You don't care what the American people think?" Raddatz asked the vice president. "You can't be blown off course by polls," said Cheney, who is currently on a tour of the Middle East. "This president is very courageous and determined to go the course. There has been a huge fundamental change and transformation for the better. That's a huge accomplishment." He should do us all a favor and shoot himself in the face.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here's the Phile's top ten list.
Top Ten John McCain Campaign Slogans
10. Time To Put The "Old Man Smell" Back In The White House
9. Working On Global Warming Since The Last Ice Age
8. No Old White Men Left Behind
7. The Only Skeleton In My Closet Is Me
6. Your Last Chance To Elect One Of The Founding Fathers
5. Vote For Me, You Little Jerk
4. I Couldn't Stain A Blue Dress If I Tried
3. If I Can Hear It Ringing, I'll Answer The Damn Phone
2. A Chicken In Every Pot, A Whore For Every Spitzer
And the number one rejected John McCain slogan is... 
1. Where Am I?


Howard Metzenbaum: The storied Ohio legislator was known on Capitol Hill as "Senator No" and "Headline Howard," while at home, they called him "Butt-Face."
Arthur C. Clarke: 2008: Odyssey over.


POLK COUNTY, Fla. -- A man who was rescued from the jaws of an alligator by deputies two years ago was taken into custody after officers spotted him naked and apparently stalking an alligator, according to a sheriff's report. Deputies patrolling Saddle Creek in Lakeland said they found an abandoned pickup near a pond early Friday and investigated. During a search of the area, officers said they found Adrian Apgar of Polk City standing naked in the water about 50 feet from the shore. He was walking toward an alligator, the report said. Deputies were able to talk Apgar out of the water without incident. Apgar told deputies that he had been bitten by a snake and was looking for an alligator. "He told deputies that he knew he was gambling with his life," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. "Our deputies have been placed in danger twice as a result of this man's actions." Apgar was transported to Lakeland Regional Medical Center. The report said four officers rescued Apgar from the jaws of an alligator in November of 2006. Apgar faces possible charges in connection with the incident, the sheriff's report said.


Martha M. Place, the first woman to be honored by a seat in the electric chair, dies at Sing-Sing Prison, executed for murder.
Fred Rogers, born today in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.
South African police massacre 69 black civil rights demonstrators in Sharpeville incident, which moves African National Congress to abandon its policy of nonviolence.
The U.S. goes off the gold standard, turning paper dollars into paper tigers.
John Lennon and Yoko Ono get married in Gibraltar. The pair go on to make, uh, beautiful music together until Lennon manages to get himself shot in New York.
Members of the Aum cult release Sarin nerve gas in the Tokyo subway. Eleven people die and 5,500 are injured. The cult's doctrine of "Poa" make mass murder the way to save their own souls. They had intended eventually to produce 70 tons of the gas.
Last words of Thomas J. Grasso, executed in Oklahoma by lethal injection: "I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."
Erik and Lyle Menendez convicted of First Degree Murder. They killed their parents for their money, and then lied all about it.


Poor Justice League. They just can'tcatch a break. The Syndey Herald reports that the city is in danger of losing the Justice League movie. The mega movie has received another setback, this time due to the Australian government. The Federal Government has refused to give the movie the new 40% tax rebate, which is essential for this $200 million dollar production. The problem seems to be that it is an American film, with American accents, and it will not do the Australian film industry any favors. But native director George Miller points out that the country needs movie franchises, even if they aren't "recognizably" Australian, to boost production and bring in jobs. I can't really say which side is right -- it seems Australia is a bit miffed Warner Bros shut down production in January over uncertainty about the incentive, and they punished them for their doubts. (I'm really curious if X-Men Origins: Wolverine is getting that tax break. Everyone knows Hugh Jackman is Australian, but come on, that's not going to be seen as a Down Under movie either.) But the biggest revelation in this story? The movie seems have a title, which I am fairly sure hasn't been officially announced yet: Justice League Mortal. Hmm. That hardly rolls off the tongue. Did they take out the "America" in hopes of gaining that tax incentive? So it has a title (maybe), but will the flick ever see the light of day? There are rumors that Miller was brought on just because of that Australian rebate -- and if it is gone, and production is moved elsewhere, Warner Bros. may be shopping for a new director. We'll see. I know many comic book fans that just want this production to die -- and there's definitely a sense that they are forcing a movie that simply does not want to be.


A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she's so down to which she replies, “My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.”
“What a coincidence!” he said, “My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.” So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have their kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headed towards the door. “What's going on?” she asks. “I thought you wanted to get kinky?” The man turns to her and says, “Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.”


Tropic Thunder
There's now a full trailer for this Ben Stiller comedy, in which we get to see Robert Downey Jr. pull off his controversial performance as a white guy who pretends to be black. Not only that, he's supposed to be Australian, too. Expect this film to be condemned by both the NAACP and AAA, i.e., the Australian Actors Association.
Batman 3
In a new interview, Christian Bale says he's up to starring in a third film, because The Dark Knight ends by leaving audiences "anticipating something that really can get very, very interesting for a third." If he means Chris O'Donnell pops up to reprise his role as Robin, then he's sorely mistaken.
Sex and the City: The Movie
Sarah Jessica Parker has confessed that her character is going to experience a "significant loss" in the film. Maybe her apartment catches on fire and her Manolo Blahniks are reduced to ashes.
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
You can now watch the totally NSFW video compilation (and I mean it!) of Kumar stinking up the bathroom and all of the swear words used in the entire film. Although, I hear those same words from my wife every morning after my first trip to the toilet.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Sources say that unless Prince Caspian does phenomenally at the box office, then the planned third Narnia film, in which little Lucy Pevensie sails on a ship with the prince, will be the final one of the series. And just to make sure people go see that, Disney's going to throw in a scene where Lucy meets Captain Jack on the journey, and he gets her drunk on rum.
Untitled Muppet Movie
Jason Segel — of Judd Apatow's Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall — will write a new movie starring the Muppets that he wants to be just about the fuzzy little guys putting on a show. Of course, during that show, Statler and Waldorf will drop some 'shrooms and make some really outrageous criticisms.
The Spirit
Sin City's Frank Miller is keeping a blog about the making of his new action film, in which he confesses that he prefers strong women. Yep, the stronger they are, the better he thinks they can twirl on a stripper's pole.
Crank 2 & 3
Jason Statham is going to be starring in two sequels, and the directors have promised they're going to up the stakes with each movie. Part two will feature the first ever moving "bullet-time" slow-motion camera and part three will be filmed in 3-D. Then, part four will be filmed in Punch-o-Vision. That's when a guy sits next to you in the theater and smacks you around during the fight scenes.


Horton Hears A Who
Starring The voices of Jim Carrey, Steve Carell, Carol Burnett, Will Arnett, Seth Rogen, Dan Fogler, Isla Fisher, Jonah Hill, Amy Poehler, Jaime Pressly, and Charles Osgood. Gentle elephant Horton hears a sound coming from a dust speck. The sound turns out to be an entire world of tiny people called Whos. None of Horton's jungle friends believe that the tiny people exist and want the dust speck boiled in oil to teach him a lesson. But all I kept wondering while watching it was whether these Whos were the same Whos that the Grinch was out to get. If they were, then that means that (a) the Grinch is also a tiny Who and (b) these people seem to have a lot of enemies and (c) the movie wasn't interesting enough to keep my mind from wandering. Again, the animation is perfect. And there's a clever bit showing old-school Seuss illustrations as the stuff of Horton's imagination. I also liked the shout-out to Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose. From 1 to 10 I give the movie a ten. Even Jen, my wife, gave it a 10
which I almost fainted in the theatre lobby when I heard that.

There, phans, another entry of the Phile. Thanks again for making it get over 4000 hits. I hope everyone has a good Easter on Sunday, and don't eat to much candy. The next entry will be on the 27th, next Friday, but then the week after we go on vacation toWashington D.C. of all places. Logan is into history and President's and stuff, and he really wants to go, so that's where we are going. We are also going to Mount Vernon which I never heard of. The Phile will be back when we come back. On the Myspace page at I posted some new pics of the bowl-a-thon and Hootie concert last week, but still need to post the Megacon pictures. Anyway, it's almost three a.m. and I am dead tired. So, spread the word, and remember...after midnight, we're gonna let it all hang down. After midnight, we're gonna chug-a-lug and shout. We're gonna stimulate some action; we're gonna get some satisfaction. We're gonna find out what it is all about. After midnight, we're gonna let it all hang down.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

"Recent Popular Movie Quote"

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. This is going to be a shorter entry this week as I am not feeling that good. I have a pinched nerve or pulled muscle, or I am growing another limb out my neck. At Disney this last week, just about every guest I met was from Canada, and not one 
a barenaked lady. New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been linked to a prostitution ring. He said, “I violated my oath to my family, and I violated my sense of right and wrong.” He also admitted violating someone named Amber. Beautiful day outside. So sunny, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel squinting. Spitzer was told about the evidence against him on Friday. Last Friday. I was thinking, “Wow. Somebody had a worse weekend than I did.” He was a regular customer. He was known as “Client 9.” It looks like Client 9 will be looking for Wife 2. He held a press conference where he apologized to his constituents and his family. He didn’t take any questions; he went right home where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles. Tomorrow, President Bush is going to be in New York City to give a speech on the U.S. economy. The speech is made up of only two words: “It blows.“ Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist. Bush Lite John McCain announced he’s going to take a trip to Iraq. Which might be a bad idea, because the last time McCain went to a war zone, we didn’t hear from him for five years. Mary Ann from "Gilligan’s Island" arrested. Dawn Wells, the actress who plays Mary Ann on "Gilligan’s Island" was arrested after sheriff’s deputies saw her swerving. They pulled her over and found some half-smoked joints and a bong made out of a coconut, I think. She got five months’ probation. Today, she announced she will resign as governor of Gilligan’s Island.


This week's joke was sent to me by my neice Spring.
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner
says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"


PGA tour golfer Tripp Isenhour has been charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show. The incident happened Dec. 12 at the Grand Cypress Golf course, when Isenhour was with a crew making a segment for the show “Shoot Like A Pro.” He was charged Monday with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird. Isenhour’s real name is John Henry Isenhour III. His agent, John Mascatello with SFX World Sports Management, did not immediately return an e-mail or telephone message Thursday. According to court documents, Isenhour grew upset when a red-shouldered hawk began making noise, forcing him and the crew to film another take. The 39-year-old allegedly began hitting balls at the bird, then 300 yards away, but gave up. He started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine wrote in a report. Isenhour allegedly said “I’ll get him now,” and again aimed for the hawk. “About the sixth ball came very near the bird’s head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close,” Baine wrote. A few shots later witnesses said he actually hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils. Jethro Senger, a sound engineer at the shoot, said he didn’t hear Isenhour apologize. “He just kept saying how he didn’t think he could have hit it, which I think is a stupid thing for a PGA Tour golfer to say,” Senger said. “He can put a ball in a hole from hundreds of yards away, and here he is hitting line drives at something that’s, I don’t know, a couple hundred feet away?” Senger said the incident was “basically like a joke to(Isenhour).” He said no one in the roughly 15-person crew intervened, and many later regretted it. “Itwas one of those cases where there’s some trepidation on whether or not they should speak up and do something,” Senger said. Senger said the incident was not captured on video. The bird was buried at the golf course and later dug up by Florida investigators.


An anarchist from the radical group People's Will throws a bomb which disrupts Czar Alexander II's motorcade. After he thanks God for his deliverance, the anarchist yells "It is too early to thank God" and throws a second bomb, causing injuries from which Alexander bleeds to death.
Twenty-two persons killed in a poison rice episode, China. Five cooks are blamed.
At 3:15am, bar manager Catherine "Kitty" Genovese is raped and stabbed to death outside her apartment building in Queens, NY. None of her 38 neighbors who witness the 32-minute ordeal even bothers to call the cops. Later in court, several testify hearing her scream: "Oh my God! He stabbed me! Please help me! I'm dying!"
Salim and Ruksana Patel find the arabic word for Allah spelled in the seeds of an aubergine (a Persian eggplant variant) which they intended for a casserole at their home in Bolton, England. Their local mullah declares it a miracle.
Hassan Abdullah's wife accidentally severs her husband's penis while she was "dreaming about strangling him". Luckily for Abdullah doctors in Malaysia were able to successfully reattach his endangered manhood, but not so lucky is the fact that he sleeps with a woman who keeps a knife in bed and dreams about strangling her husband.


Rumors have been flying today that Bryan Singer is indeed working on the sequel to Superman Returns. Well, it is not just rumor -- Singer himself confirmed it to Empire. "Yes, I'm just getting back with writers after the strike. We're just in the development phase. I'm starting to develop a sequel . . .with the intention of directing it." He lashes out at claims that first film was a flop, pointing out that it made $400 million. If you're thinking "It wasn't a flop financially, Singer, it was a flop because no one liked it," well, he addresses that too. He promises the next one will up the stakes. "The first one was a romantic film and a nostalgic film. I'll be the first person to own up to that without making any apologies for it. I knew it was going to be that from the outset. And now that the characters are established, there's really an opportunity to up the threat levels . . .Clearly there'll be a body count. From frame one, it will be unrelenting terror! All those teenage girls who found the movie and mooned over James Marsden or Brandon [Routh]? Well, I'm going to wake them up!" My problem is that I didn't find it nostalgic or romantic, I just found it rather dull. I stopped believing a man could fly, and wondered instead why James Marsden was always losing his girls to men of steel and adamantium. All the pieces were there for a fantastic reboot, a film that could reintroduce Superman to a new audience, but it simply fell flat. I do believe Singer has it in him -- and he does tend to be better with superhero sequels than his originals. So I will forgive and forget, and happily await the next installment.


Speed Racer
There are two new fast-paced trailers featuring a ton of crazy racing footage. One also has the part where John Goodman yells: "Think you can drive a car and change the world? It doesn't work that way." That must be the scene when Speed asks about driving a Prius.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Paramount has finally officially unveiled the film's worst-kept secret by clearly showing an alien skull on the new poster. Best kept secret: That thing is just some trinket Indy pulls out of an ancient Crackerjack box; the real skull of the title has yet to be revealed.
Untitled Judd Apatow Comedy
All we actually know is that it'll star Adam Sandler. Little known fact: Apatow and Sandler lived together as roommates back when they were both struggling stand-up comedians. They had a falling out, though, when Apatow finally threw Sandler out the window for practicing that annoying Opera Man character.
Brett Ratner is attached to direct an adaptation of this obscure superhero comic from the '90s that's described as a "young Blade Runner." So does that mean there'll eventually be five different director's cuts released on DVD someday? Because just one of that guy's films is bad enough.
Monsters vs. Aliens
A USA Today article features a first look at an animated giant Reese Witherspoon. She's not the only thing big about the film. Producer Jeffrey Katzenberg says ticket prices will cost more due to the expensive 3-D process, and he thinks audiences will pony up for a "premium experience." The only "premium experience" I want is a toilet built into my seat for when I buy the extra large drink.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Yep, a remake of the cult comedy about the vicious vegetables is in the works. And don't tell me that the tomato is technically a fruit. The Supreme Court decided it was a vegetable in a controversial 1893 court case over tariffs. Also decided by the Court: It is unnatural for them to marry.
Alien vs. Predator 3
Studio sources insist a second sequel is a "certainty." Maybe this time they'll give the fans what they really want — the two killer E.T.'s dismembering the folks who made the first two disasters.

There you have it, a quick entry tonight. This weekend is the free Hootie & The Blowfish concert and the Peverett's Easter party. I still have to post pics of Megacon on the Phile's Myspace page and I will post pics of the concert. Also, we are so, so close to hit 4000 views by March 23rd, so if you haven't done already, spread the word, not the turd.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Sorry About What Happens Later

Hey, there, phans, and welcome to another entery of the Phile, slowly killing your free time. This is the most updated blog on the internet, by the way. It's the first blog of 
March, and I am parched. I want some ice tea, then I'll have to pee. Is it iced tea or ice tea? Does it really matter? I don't drink soda, 'cause I don't want to get any fatter. Sorry, I was in the mood to write a rap. So, Warmonger John McCain won the Republican nomination. He was awarded with a trip to the White House. Mike Huckabee dropped out and was awarded a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom. Los Angeles’ tap water was voted the tastiest in the United States. Fine. I like Clermont tap water. I like that you can blow the head off it. Comes in smooth . . . and chunky. Cold today. Experts believe it’s caused by the cold front coming off the John McCain marriage. There’s a rumor that “American Idol” contestant David Hernandez used to be a gay stripper. When he heard this, Ryan Seacrest said, “I thought that guy looked familiar.” This week, the U.S. Border Patrol arrested a man responsible for smuggling thousands of Guatemalans into California. An angry American official said, “Those Guatemalans were taking jobs that should have gone to Mexicans.” Katie Holmes may be pregnant! That’s the scuttlebutt around Hollywood. Tom Cruise says he wants a boy. He doesn’t care what sex the baby is . . . he really wants a boy. The Olsen twins are now authors! They have written a coffee table book. They can’t lift it, but they wrote it. Jennifer Lopez announced the names of her twins. We don’t know the names of her babies, but she’s named her twins. This is interesting. There was a report that the Hell’s Angels were going to kill Mick Jagger in 1969. No one knows that the Hell’s Angels actually killed Keith Richards in 1980. There is a building in New York City that is keeping loiterers away by using a device that plays annoying, high-pitched screeching sounds. It’s called “The View.”


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, this week's top ten list is...
Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations For Leap Year
10. Groundhog saw his shadow
9. Another one of them days created by the bastards at Hallmark
8. It makes up for one day we lost when we turned the clocks ahead
7. Let me ask Larry, Larry knows everything
6. One of those things that happens every four years like Wesley Snipes paying his taxes
5. February has an extra day -- run for your lives!
4. Too many tacos
3. Who cares? "Deal Or No Deal" is on!
2. Huh?
And the number one dumb guy explanation for leap year...
1. The March calendars weren't ready?


Jeff Healey: He never saw it coming.
Hurricane Smith: Oh, babe, what would you say, if you weren't dead?


A trapper is searching for an alligator that killed a dog at a Tampa park earlier this week. The gator grabbed 5-year-old Freddy, a 19-pound cairn terrier, on Monday.
Sarah Frey said she and Freddy had just walked a lap around the park when the dog took off barking toward a pond. By the time she caught up, the dog was gone. Witnesses told her they saw Freddy bark at the gator, then jump into the water. Signs posted around the park warn that alligators pose a danger near the water. Wildlife officials said the alligator is about 8 feet long.


A man who took more than the recommended dose of Viagra to increase his capacity for sexual pleasure is claiming it has left him with blue vision. John Pettigrew, 58, a heating engineer, said he is suffering from a permanent side-effect after taking extra pills that he bought on the internet. The father-of-two said he regrets not heeding the advice of doctors and drug manufacturer Pfizer after only being able to see the world in shades of blue. "I admit I ignored the advice on the packet," he said yesterday. "I was having too much fun. But I'd give up all the sex in the world to be able to see a red letterbox again. I have been seeing the world in blue for more than a fortnight now and it's doing my head in." Mr Pettigrew, who lives in Brighton, East Sussex, added: "At least I'm a Chelsea fan." The Kent firm Pfizer, which makes Viagra, say that people should not exceed the recommended dose as the drug can add a blue tint to users' eyesight. At least he doesn't have blue balls anymore.


Alamo seized by Santa Ana, 3,000 versus 147 not being a fair fight. The holdouts sufferered unnecessary deaths, disobeying direct orders by remaining, and losing their arms and cannon to the Mexicans.
The US naval vessel "Cyclops" vanishes in the Bermuda Triangle.
Larry Flynt, publisher of the fine magazine Hustler, is shot and paralyzed.
Cheryl Araujo is gang raped atop a pool table at a tavern in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Other men in the establishment applauded the spectacle. Four men are convicted of the crime in a trial that attracts nationwide attention.


Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot? A: Half a cat.


Cool news for fans of NBC's "Heroes": it looks like the show is going to start filming a lot earlier than it usually does. Shows usually start filming in July/August for the fall season, but according to "Heroes" star James Kyson Lee (Ando), the writers strike means that the show will start filming in June, and maybe as early as May. He says that NBC plans to really push the show this year, using the Olympics to hype the show. That's the good news. The (possible) bad news is that TV Guide's Michael Ausiello is reporting that Kristen Bell isn't signed for the new season yet. He does believe that she will eventually be signed though, because fans like her so much.
I'm curious though: "Veronica Mars" memories aside, do you "Heroes" fans like her character on the show? Is she necessary to the plot? I like her story arc. I see her either coming over to the side of the good guys (if she signs a long-term contract) or completely going crazy because of the way her father has been treating her and trying to destroy everyone and eventually dying in a really dramatic way. Bell turned down the role of Charlotte on "Lost" to take the "Heroes" gig.


And let the games begin. Zack Snyder has released high resolution stills of several Watchmen characters to celebrate the "one year from now" release of the film. I really love the look of the Comedian. Actually, I'm digging all of them with the exception of Ozymandias, who is a little too Goth for my taste. But I think all these strike the fine balance between being functional (I always wondered how Nite Owl actually moved in that suit), being updated for the screen, and being accurate to the comic. Hate me all you like.  I'll post the pics on the Phile's page.


Sacha Baron Cohen was spotted filming a scene as his gay Austrian character, asking parents at a suburban L.A. dance studio if they'd let their kids film a scene with bees and wasps. Hey, this is L.A. He should have asked if they'd let their kids film something really scary, like be in a Britney Spears video.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
There's a new batch of promo photos on the loose, which mostly feature the titular prince and the Pevensie children dressed in chain mail and body armor. With all the stories about school violence in the news lately, it might be a good idea if we start making all children wear this stuff in the classroom.
Whip It
Skating Frenzy A fan caught a snapshot of Drew Barrymore doing research for her upcoming directorial debut by attending a real Roller Derby. You'll go for the quick image of Drew chillin' with a beer, and you'll stay for the other pictures of skimpily clad women in short shorts and full body tattoos.
Rosemary's Baby
Michael Bay's production company has snapped up the rights to yet another remake, this one of Roman Polanski's classic horror film about a young wife who gets impregnated by Satan. However, in the modern version, Satan runs up against something much, much scarier than himself: the American heath-care system.
The stars of the horror flick about medical students perform some impromptu comedy by getting corpses to re-enact a scene between Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro. It's funny, but it would have been way more impressive ifthey were able to get one of the bodies to perform Napoleon's nutty election-day dance.
Crazy on the Outside
Tim Allen is all set to make his directorial debut with an "edgy" indie film about an ex-con. His cast will be surprised when they find out "edgy" means Allen plans to wear his Santa fat suit while sitting in his director's chair.
Dark Oz
The Fugees' Pras Michel is producing and will possibly star in this comic-book adaptation that's a more "Goth" update of The Wizard of Oz. How can they make Oz even scarier?
Djimon Hounsou will star in a trilogy that he says is his comic-book "dream" project, leading many to speculate he was talking about this upcoming Spielberg/Jackson project since Tintin is huge in Hounsou's native France. If he were American, obviously his comic-book "dream" would be the same as mine: starring as Archie Andrews and being stuck having to choose between Betty and Veronica.
Drag Me to Hell
Ellen Page dropped out of Sam Raimi's upcoming horror project allegedly due to scheduling conflicts, and Alison Lohman has already taken Page's place. Hmnm, so Raimi traded one young pasty-skinned actress for another. The plot must involve the star getting a wicked tan in Hades.

There you have it, kids. I am dead tired, so I will wrap this up quick. This weekend I'll be at the Disney Junior Achievement Bowl-A-Thon getting gutter balls out the ying-yang and on Sunday I'll be at Megacon, hopefully meeting Kristy Swanson. We are very close to hit 4000 views by Easter, so spread the word, not the turd.