Hey, children, welcome to the Phile... it's the great Trumpkin. Happy Halloween, I am a plague doctor. The scariest thing we can do for Halloween s start thinking about Christmas. Anyway, like I said this year for Halloween I am a plague doctor. Thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic, the crow mask, aka, the "plague doctor mask" is once again a popular Halloween costume. During the bubonic plague, the weird beak mask was basically the equivalent of the N95 mask for COVID frontline workers in 2020. There’s a lot of speculation that the black crow mask didn’t actually help plague doctors. You’d think that this long nose-design could keep droplets away, but they weren’t exactly plague-proof. What is the plague doctor mask you ask? According to National Geographic, these masks were designed to purify poisonous air. The outfit and mask were designed by Charles de Lorme, a 17th-century physician. The coats were covered in scented wax, and the bird mask had a 6-inch beak filled with perfume. The perfume was actually herbs. Unfortunately, the beak shape didn’t always keep droplets from reaching doctors’ nostrils. The eye holes were also quite spooky. Doctors wore spectacles, making the mask look very similar to a bird. Besides the long black coat, plague doctors also carried canes, which I didn't get. It’s been said that the rod was to help doctors keep victims away. Okay, imagine poking people with a cane. I’m surprised people aren’t doing this at Costco yet! Maybe these bird beak masks weren’t high-quality, but they did what they could to avoid the Black Death. Heck, some of us are wearing reusable face masks that aren’t technically medical-grade as well. There truly isn’t a better time than now to be a plague doctor for Halloween.
A Houston, Texas woman is in trouble with her neighborhood homeowner’s association because of her strip club themed Halloween decorations. Look at this...
Angela Nava of Richmond, Texas decided she wanted to bring some laughs and a little bit of joy to her neighborhood during this terrible year and the COVID-19 pandemic with this hot and spooky scene. She came up with the idea for a stripper themed Halloween display in her front yard months ago and when the season finally hit, she was ready with the necessary Halloween decor. She erected the skeleton strip club, complete with pole dancing skeletons and sexy lighting. People laughed. They took pics. It was a hit! Forget haunted houses, she had a lit AF Halloween party on her lawn. Well, to some, anyway. For others, not so much. Unfortunately for Nava, she lives in a “family-friendly neighborhood” or so the HOA claimed. It’s not appropriate for little kids in cute little Halloween costumes running up to houses to get candy to see some spooky dead strippers. The HOA has told her to take the creative Halloween decorations down but the deadline to remove them before she gets in trouble is after Halloween. With that being the case, Nava has decided to keep the decorations up, angry parents be damned. And the best... and most typical... part of all this is that no neighbors have actually approached her about the unusual Halloween props decorating her front yard. They anonymously complained to the HOA and that’s it. Maybe it was the positions of the skeletons they had a problem with? There are some suggestively spread legs, after all. At least none of the dancers is doing anything appropriate with a Halloween pumpkin? Personally I would have made the pumpkins the men in the audience and given them some singles.
At Spirit Halloween, the Halloween party store that possesses empty strip mall shops to sell costumes and decor only to be exorcised from their 8 billion impermanent locations on November 1st, the decorations like to live up to expectations. Spirit Halloween stores are filled with all sorts of random creepy stuff, including life-size Halloween animatronics of characters like Michael Myers, the Grim Reaper, and a zombie baby to help set the mood. The sort of Halloween prop you’d buy and put at your front door to help you scare trick-or-treaters on Halloween night if you have an extra couple hundred bucks lying around and don’t mind the thing breaking before the night is over. Personally, I recommend the possessed baby prop. It’s the perfect addition to every psycho’s scary Halloween decor idea mood board. The point is, you should reasonably expect something to randomly move and maybe startle you when you walk into the Halloween costume superstore. The store is called Spirit Halloween, obviously they want to celebrate the spirit of Halloween.
This woman went through the two stages of the jump scare prank. First, fear. Shameful, crippling, fear. Then, rage. She is pissed. That scarecrow went “boo” and she screamed back, “BITCH!” It’s hard to blame her. He’s lucky she didn’t not the stilts out from under him. I would have been (kind of?) justified. Either way, keep your head on a swivel when you walk into the Spirit Halloween store that was where Payless Shoes used to be. There may be a scary surprise waiting for you behind every cheap, collapsable shelf.
Every October is littered with Halloween costume and pumpkin carving fails but one little boy’s Jack-O’-Lantern may have taken said #fails to an extra level.
Posted to social media by an incredulous mother unable to tell her child that he’d just carved an ejaculating penis into a pumpkin, this Halloween decoration disaster is just top-notch work. As far as works of art go, this is up there. As the mom explained to the Facebook group “This Fills Me with a Rage I Didn’t Anticipate," her kid wanted to carve a machete dripping blood. A spooky design much more in line with the holiday than the smiley, happy faces usually carved into pumpkins, as is Halloween tradition. This DIY gore-core decoration, however, very obviously did not go as planned. Now there’s a carved pumpkin with a penis on it sitting either in this family’s house or, better yet, on their porch. Here’s hoping they’re hosting a Halloween party today. The amount of penises accidentally carved into pumpkins every year in America has to be astronomical. Machetes and chainsaws are extremely phallic. Even more mundane stuff like Minions could easily be turned into a wang by a poor carver. Unless you’re doing a classic pumpkin carving or carving something unambiguously sharp-edged the threat of accidentally putting a dick on display for all the kids trick-or-treating in your neighborhood is oddly and unfortunately high. Carving a scary snake? Yeah, no, that’s a cock. How about a classic ghost. You know, sheet over the head, etc. That’s a dick too. It’s all dicks. Everything you’re carving is male genitalia. Just stick to the smiley faces with crooked teeth.
This is definitely one way to get some sort of fame and attention. A woman named Amethyst Realm, who had recently claimed that she was engaged to a ghost, has actually called off the wedding. Why? Because her invisible fiancé “kept disappearing” and started “partying” too much. In an interview with UK TV show, “This Morning,” Realm explained how she had fallen in love with a “sexy” spirit named Ray while on a trip in Australia back in 2018, even consummating their “love” on the flight back home. Ray apparently had popped the question on their nine-month anniversary, and Realm and her ghost fiancé were on vacation in Thailand when she claimed to noticed that he was acting differently. “I think maybe he fell in with a bad crowd when we were on holiday. He just started becoming really inconsiderate,” Realm said with the utmost seriousness, “He’d disappear for long periods of time. When he did come back, he’d bring other spirits to the house and they’d just stay around for days.” She explained how she thinks he started “doing drugs and partying a bit much,” and that they both came to the agreement to not get married. Now, I’m not sure what the spirit world is all about, but it’s hard for me to believe any truth in how this British woman calls a ghost her fiancé with no intention of making some sort of Halloween joke. And to think about how they “consummated” their relationship on their way back from Australia… what kind of strange noises were heard on that flight?! I get there are ghost lovers out there. But if you want to become some sort of celeb, is this really a way to do it? You can’t be trending on social media for literally anything else? What were her son and daughter look like if she and Ray were to decide to have children? I’m honestly really curious about this, I swear.
It's time again to show you the Great Trumpkin this year!