Pheaturing Phile Alum Tom Kenny

 

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? If your kids ever ask why education is important show them an Obama speech and then a Trump speech. An adult theme park is opening in one of the only two locations you could open such a theme park: Japan. The other location would be Florida. I'm not sure if that level is higher or lower but I also don’t care. The adult amusement park, called SOD Land (it even sounds filthy, so great) is going up in Kabukicho, Tokyo’s red-light district. The “SOD” in SOD Land stands for Soft On Demand, the porn company responsible for the amusement park. Best of all, SOD Land doesn’t plan on having any knockoff princesses and princes walking around like Disney World. Real pornstars will be staffing the park and its many attractions. With adult film stars littered throughout the amusement park one has to wonder what the attractions will be. The Cuckold Coaster? Squirt Mountain? The Hentai Mansion? Threesomes of the Caribbean? It’s a Big Dick World? A Ferris Wheel that’s just for getting handjobs in? Maybe you can grab a scoop of ice cream at Creampie Creamery? Are there masturbation stations in the restrooms? Do low-level porn performers work there as custodial staff? How deep (pun intended) can this go? SOD Land has said that there will be a Newcomer Adult Film Actress Floor, a floor for erotic massages, a silent bar as well as a bar area where you can mingle adult video performers. There’s also a gift shop on the first floor. Presumably, there will also be porn videos playing on the TVs instead of, say, sports. While this is not a full open to the public park... you have to be 18 to enter... beyond that entrance isn’t all that restricted. Tickets cost 500 yen, which is about five dollars American. So head on over to Japan and have some fun. Man, I wish it was coming here. 

A golfer in Australia had a good walk spoiled though it wasn’t because he couldn’t break 90. It was because a kangaroo was trying to break him. Look...

That’s one mean marsupial. The story here is pretty simple. A group of Australians were out on a golf course down under when a kangaroo came upon their game and got real territorial, real fast. According to some commenters, this isn’t out of the ordinary. When people get near kangaroos can get anxious and, thus, defensive. The guy tried to fight the kangaroo off with his golf club but he was also pretty obviously trying not to hurt the animal. He could’ve taken a real swing if he wanted to. The YouTube video’s description breaks down the situation. "A golfer came under attack in Australia today from a fired up kangaroo in the middle of the fairway in an unprovoked attack. The kangaroo came racing across the fairway and started attacking the golfer immediately in a surprise attack. The quick actions of the second golf cart charging at it forced it to retreat and more serious injuries avoided. The kangaroo skipped off okay and was monitored by ground staff." The video went viral on social media the first time it made the rounds and it’s easy to see why. This is wild. Most Americans see one of these animals and they’re like, “Aww look at the little Roo.” Kangaroos are not to be messed with because they will end you. If you see an alligator on a golf course in Florida chances are that thing is going to lay in the sun and leave you alone unless you literally go hop in its pond or put your head in its mouth. Even a cougar will most likely just want you to leave. An aggressive kangaroo, however, will search and destroy. 

Though the Battle of Gettysburg happened over 150 years ago, its legacy, and apparently its victims still live on, as evidenced by a haunting video posted to YouTube. Here's a screenshot...

The bloodiest battle of the American Civil War took place outside the small town of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania from July 1st to July 3rd in 1863. Ghost sightings on the battleground and around the town have been occurring basically ever since the armies marched off. There were probably like fifty ghosts in the audience at the Gettysburg address. The battle site and town are so rife with ghost stories that, other than historic tours of fields and hills where the infamous Civil War battle took place, Gettysburg ghost tours are the most popular attraction in the area. This video is great proof why because, uh, that’s a ghost. Specifically, that’s a ghost of a Confederate soldier. Let it go bro, you lost. Go home. The first video is a bit older... it comes from 2013... but it’s reminiscent of a more recent ghost video from Gettysburg that had been trending on social media recently. It’s worth revisiting because Halloween. And also they look kind of similar. They both have two cannons! Also they both have ghosts. The more recent video was posted by the New York Post and taken by New Jersey resident Greg Yuelling as he drove through the Gettysburg battlefield at night. Here's a screenshot of that one...

Apparently this happens a lot at the Civil War site. So if you happen to be driving through the town and get an ominous feeling… whip out that phone. You could go viral with people like me saying, “Wow spooky!” and other random internet people saying, “lol this is fake AF why don’t you grab a belt and make yourself a ghost.” Totally worth it. 

Love him or hate him, this costume is hilarious. 

I'm still cackling at the Ride-On Donald Trump costume, but the Ride-On Joe Biden Halloween costume is just as funny. This goofy costume gives the illusion that you’re riding piggyback-style on former Vice President Joe Biden. The democratic candidate would probably giggle at this costume. Can we please get a matching Kamala Harris, Mike Pence, and Barack Obama costume too? Imagine kids coming to your door with these costumes on. Now that would be gold! If you’re running low on costume ideas and need something soon, consider this costume. Since it is Amazon Prime eligible, it’ll be on your doorstep in just two days. This costume would’ve been funny to wear at the first presidential debate. It’d be a great gag gift for your parent that loves (or hates) the presidential candidate. Many Americans aren’t too excited about this presidential election, but we’re always finding ways to make light of politicians. This costume is harmless, and I think Democrats and Republicans are going to love it! You’ll definitely win best costume at the Halloween party. 

Are you looking for something that will make the wait for "Stranger Things Season 4" a little easier? I have some excellent news for you. The special project Stranger Things: The Drive-Into Experience will be officially extended until spring next year. The Drive-Into Experience is set to open later this month for a limited time only. However, it has been confirmed to extend its opening all the way until next year due to insistent public demand. But what exactly is the Drive-Into Experience? It is described as a "groundbreaking live experience takes fans of the global hit series inside some of its most iconic scenes, all from the safety of their own cars. Stranger Things: The 'Drive-Into' Experience is an entirely new approach to interactive theater that reimagines live entertainment." The event is set to turn the show's story into "an immersive theatrical production, complete with mind-bending sets, actors in costume, and otherworldly special effects." The Drive-Into Experience will take place at Skylight ROW DTLA and the whole experience will last for a little over an hour. Interestingly, interested guests are strictly warned to stay inside their vehicles at all times unless they want to be lost in the Upside Down. (No, seriously, stay inside your cars for this one). Are you ready for the Stranger Things Drive-Into Experience? The event will be open starting October 28th but it's best to book your tickets now. "Stranger Things Season 4" has not yet been given an official release date. Where the hell is Skylight ROW DTLA? Los Angeles I think. Great. Guess I won't be going there. Moving on...

Instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Ummm... maybe. So, some NFL teams are changing their logos this year again, like this new Baltimore logo...

What a bunch of dicks. Hahaha. So, you probably know today's Alum guest Tom Kenny is the voice of SpongeBob SquarePants. Did you know SpongeBob originally had a different look? Check it out...

Hahahaha. That actually made me laugh. Hard to believe we're seven months into a pandemic that has killed over a million people and some people are still like "I won't wear a mask, because FREEDOM." And yet, we must believe it. Because COVIDiocy is an epidemic as widespread as the virus itself. "COVIDiots" are tough to reason with. Especially because their mere maskless existence could literally kill you if you try to talk to them IRL. So if you encounter one in the wild, the best and safest thing you can do is post about it. Internet-shaming may be our best tool against this particularly dangerous strain of human stupidity. Here's a new pheature called...

I guess it's not working as she hoped. Damn, people. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Things Said About A Zoom Meeting That Did Not Go So Well 

5. New awkward moment for our tomes: the few seconds of resting bitch face between saying good-bye to everyone in a Zoom meeting and figuring out how to leave it. 

4. In an awkward Zoom meeting and I ask my girlfriend, "Should I ask him how he's doing?" and then I realize I'm not muted.

3. I thought being early to a real life party was awkward, then I joined a Zoom meeting early and was the only one there.

2. I was not prepared for the level of awkward that arises when a professor asks the class a question over Zoom lecture and no one responds.

And the number one thing said about a Zoom meeting that did not go so well was... 

1. It makes me so uncomfortable that someone in your Zoom class could just state at you the whole time and you would never know. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing substance abuse, call the National Drug Helpline at 1-844-289-0879. Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jeff, shall we? 

Looks like a nice day there. I wonder what the temperature is. Let me see... It's 56°F. Brrrr. Hahaha. Soon I'm sure we'll see snow there. 

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. 

Okay, this is so cool...

The 138th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Jerry will be on the Phile next week, kids. Next Monday though...

Tomorrow I will tell you who will be on the Phile for the Disney entry. I will say it's two people, and from one of my favorite movies ever. 

Today's guest is a Phile Alum and is an American actor and comedian. He is known for voicing the eponymous character in the SpongeBob SquarePants TV series, video games, and films. The newest film Sponge on the Run will be heading to CBS All Access in early 2021. Damn COVID, the movie was supposed to be in movie theaters back in the beginning of the year. Anyway, please welcome back to the Phile... Tom Kenny!

Me: Hey, Tom! Welcome back to the Phile, man. How have you been? 

Tom: Are you ready, kids? I'm great, Jason. 

Me: So, I heard you were a good friend of Bobcat Goldthwait... he sent me an email saying he loves the Phile and saw I interviewed you, and you two are good friends. Now I'm trying to get him on the Phile. How long have you known Bobcat? 

Tom: Bob and I met when we were 6-years-old, we were in first grade in a little Catholic grammar school in East Syracuse, New York called St. Matthews. He was a kid my age, he was a little chubby kid and I was a skinny kid so we sort of had this natural Laurel and Hardy appearance. He and I just naturally bonded.

Me: Do you have any good Bobcat stories, Tom? 

Tom: I told this story many of times and people seem to like it, the first time I became aware of "Bobcat Goldthwait" was in first grade, we had different first grade class rooms, and his nuns, the num that taught his class came dragging him by his ear. She was crying, he was crying and she just sort of threw him into the nun that taught my class room and said, "Sister, I can't take him anymore. Will you take him? He's driving me crazy." And I just looked at Bob and he felt bad too. He wasn't a bad kid, he was just spirited and at that point I said, "I got to know this kid." We bonded that day and went through through grammar school and high school together. We started doing stand-up in our little home town together when we were teenagers, just doing open mic's and just starting our own open mic's because their weren't any and playing in rock and roll bands and we were best man's in each others weddings and all that. It's kind of a lifelong friendship that's unusual. We both started out so far away from Los Angeles... geographically and mentally. 

Me: Did you both want a career in show business? 

Tom: Yeah, like Mel Blanc or George Carlin, whoever we wanted to be. It was kinda considered crazy and unrealistic. 

Me: You guys made a movie called Shakes the Clown together, right? I looked it up and it had a great cast but I don't remember it coming out in 1991. 

Tom: Yeah, it's funny, Shakes the Clown was a bomb when it came out but it steadily gained this crazy cult following. Back in 2014 at a sketch fest in San Francisco we did a live reading of the Shakes the Clown script. There was many of the original cast there... myself, Julie Brown, Bobcat, the late Florence Henderson. 

Me: Was Adam Sandler or Robin Williams there as well? 

Tom: No Adam and Robin but Kevin Pollack who probably does Robin Williams better than Robin Williams sat in and played Robin Williams. 

Me: So, was it successful? 

Tom: It was a really fun rainy Sunday afternoon in San Francisco. It was pouring rain like at 4 p.m. in the afternoon and thirty dollar tickets at the last day of a three week long festival. To my surprise the show totally sold out, it was crazy standing room only. So we never know if we throw a pebble in the water it might take years and years for it to do anything. I remember that movie did not get a very good reception. There were pockets of people, none of them with any power, just fans who loved it. To the general public is was regarded as a kind of a misfire. 

Me: Was the movie fun to make at least? 

Tom: Yeah, it was fun. Most of the portions of it were ad-libbed. When we were there in San Francisco 7 years ago Bob said, "You know, there's not really a script." There are pages where it just says 'Tom ad-libs." That went on for three pages so we had to hire one of these companies that transcribes it, watching the movie. When you see some of that stuff written down it's pretty goofy. 

Me: So, there's a new SpongeBob movie coming out, right? How many is this now? 

Tom: It'll be the third one. The first one was years ago, it was 2004 or something and the second one came out six years ago. 

Me: So, why was there just a big gap between the first movie and the second one? 

Tom: Steve Hillenburg much to the complaint of the executives wasn't ready to make another SpongeBob movie, he just didn't think he had a story that warranted the running time. You had to know Steve Hillenburg, he didn't think like anybody else in show business. Even when he had no money he didn't care about money. The integrity of the project was so important to him so he didn't want to do another movie for no reason. So years later he said he had another story that is worth spending 90 minutes on. 

Me: The new film is CGI, not 2D animation, Tom. What do you think of that? 

Tom: I don't know, there was kinda a lot riding on it, it's making me a little nervous. I was born nervous, but we had a lot of fun. 

Me: The original cast in in the new one, right? 

Tom: Yeah, and it has some fun drop in guest stars. 

Me: So, what has been the biggest change with SpongeBob this year than when the first movie came out? 

Tom: The world has changed, SpongeBob wasn't nearly as global then than he is now. Now he has really blanketed the earth. He pretty much is in every country and that wasn't the case in 2004. So he's known in parts of the world now that he was not years ago. 

Me: What is it like for you to be playing SpongeBob again after all these years? 

Tom: When I'm doing a character like SpongeBob and cartoon characters in general I don't notice the passage of time... as an actor I don't. So it doesn't seem like 23 years that I've been doing SpongeBob because I never stopped doing SpongeBob. I sort of lose track of time in a good way. 

Me: The show had it's 20th anniversary though when you were here last. So, 23 years...? 

Tom: Remember we did the 7 minute pilot in '97. Then it kinda languished around at Nickelodeon to get green lighted and executives to ribber stamp it and all that. So I've been doing SpongeBob since 1997. 

Me: I did not know you played Bullwinkle in the 2014 movie Rocky and Bullwinkle. How was that? 

Tom: We did a Rocky and Bullwinkle short at the time they were making a Peabody and Sherman movie and what I thought was going to proceed the Peabody and Sherman movie at the movie theater I got to do Bullwinkle, which was fun to do as it was one of my favorite shows of all time and Rocky was played by the late June Foray, the original Rocky. For some reason they held it back, for good reason. 

Me: Tom, Bill Kopp will be on the Phile soon. You know him, right? 

Tom: Yeah, I love Bill Kopp. 

Me: Tom, thanks so much for being back on the Phile. Please come back again soon. 

Tom: I will. Have a good rest of 2020.

May 2020 that movie was supposed to be out. Damn. Well, that about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Tom Kenny for a fun interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Matt Shultz from Cage the Elephant. Spread the word not the turd, don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Kiss your brain. 

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon