Sunday, September 25, 2016

Pheaturing Geoff Vidal

Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? Let's start off with a story about a woman discovering surgeons accidentally attaching her colon to her vagina and reacting how you'd expect. Jasminka Velkovska was undergoing surgery three-years-ago in Skopje, Macedonia when, in an effort to remove cancer from her colon, they reattached it to her vagina. How does a doctor let that happen? Did they think they were performing surgery on a chicken? "While I was recovering, doctors came and asked me if I was passing gas, and I said yes, but it’s coming out of my vagina. They told me that it would soon pass and I would be okay, but stuff had started to come out of my vagina and I was feeling scared and it was all very unpleasant." She complained that she was farting out of her vagina and they told her it would pass? That pun better not have been intentional. Doctors eventually agreed to perform an x-ray and yep, her colon was connected to her vag. Plus, they still hadn't removed the carcinoma. How does a doctor even deliver that kind of news? I'm sorry, you still have cancer, and we randomly connected your tubes like a habitrail. Here's a bunch of cranberry pills. To add insult to vaganus, the hospital only agreed to compensate her for about $33,500, and then reportedly "refused to pay the entire total." According to the "Daily Mail," she will sue the hospital if she doesn't get the entire total. Unbelievable. If a mistake like that happened in the U.S., that woman would be a millionaire.
Scientists are saying that the shower pouf you clean yourself with is the grossest thing in your bathroom... and the bathroom is the room you poop in! According to a study published in the
"Journal of Clinical Microbiology," those harmless-seeming mesh sponges are host to a wide range of bacterial species, and because they are usually stored in warm, moist environments, the bacteria spread rapidly and almost immediately. Bacteria and skin cells then get trapped in the folds of the netting, and are spread all over your skin every time you use one in the shower. According to J. Matthew Knight, a dermatologist at the Knight Dermatology Institute, mold and yeast also are susceptible to growing in the pouf. Think about that the next time you rub one all over your junk to "clean" yourself. Not only are shower poufs just disgusting germ factories disguised as something that will make you clean, they also could be dangerous. If you rub a particularly nasty shower pouf over freshly shaved skin, there is a chance that bacteria can enter tiny nicks and cause infection. It is estimated that 98% of Dermatologists suggest avoiding shower poufs and loofahs altogether. If you are some kind of madman and still want to use the shower pouf despite all the facts saying that is essentially dirtier than your toilet bowl, you should remove it from the bathroom after use and store it in a dry area. Dermatologists also recommend replacing the pouf every 2-3 weeks. I ONCE LITERALLY USED THE SAME SHOWER POUF FOR OVER A YEAR.
As time goes on, it's clear texting isn't a way to communicate, but rather a modern way to ignore people more efficiently... especially with "mooning." You probably know about "ghosting," suddenly cutting off all contact to avoid a breakup conversation (or any conversation ever again). But what about people you just want to talk to less? "Mooning" is the rude but totally logical practice of silencing someone because they're annoying and/or unimportant. It could have already happened to you, and you'd have no idea. Put simply, a mooner is muting you. (Older iPhones had a little moon symbol that came on when you muted someone, hence the term.) You can still text them, but it won't show them a notification, or make a noise, or light up. Basically, you've been relegated to a human spam folder, but unlike when you're blocked, it won't tell you. As EJ Dickson explores in "GQ," there are myriad reasons to moon your friends, family, co-workers, exes, or significant others you've been fighting with. One guy even got mooned by his mom. But as the article also covers (though it should be self-apparent), finding out you've been mooned is heartbreaking. First you may notice your texts are never marked "read," and then you may be given a series of excuses about how that person was just exhausted or busy. Eventually, you realize you're just a "pest." Sure, that person didn't do direct harm to you, but feelings were hurt, and you'll probably never really trust them again. So, before you decide to simply moon everyone who wants your attention, remember the risks. As Shakespeare wrote, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we disable notifications on messages we receive."
Scientists have conducted a study on how long it takes for men to reach orgasm, and no matter how long you think it's going to be, it ain't long. After tracking sexual experiences, sexperts Masters and Johnson have determined it takes just two to three minutes for a man to reach orgasm on average. That number holds true both for masturbation and for the amount of time a guy can hold on once he has entered a vagina. That's way less time than most people are bragging about. Something to think about the next time you're spending more than ten minutes trying to get a guy to finish. By comparison, they found that it takes 10-20 minutes woman to "get there," including foreplay. Is this proof that God hates women? Not when you only look at orgasm times for masturbation. It turns out the average time it takes for a woman to make herself orgasm is only four minutes... that's just one to two minutes longer than the average man. If women can climax quickly when they are taking care of themselves, there's gotta be a better way to get them there during intercourse, right?
Hey, did you hear Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt? Sources are saying that Brad Pitt was just as blindsided by the Brangelina split as you were. The "Bra" of Brangelina (or more like the "Br") found out that Gelina was filing for divorce just a day before everybody else did. "Us Weekly" reports that "Pitt only found out about the divorce decision" on Monday which, if true, is the same day she went and filed papers on September 19th. There are many theories floating around as to why the couple split, and in the Game of Thrones off-season, it's providing the internet with a feverish activity.All of the theories somehow involve Brad being bad, and between that and the timing, it seems like Jolie had her PR strategy ready, Katie Holmes-style. George Clooney was totally caught off guard when a reporter from CNN asked him how he felt about the Brangelina divorce while he was attending the UN General Assembly on Tuesday. Also, what the fuck was a CNN reporter doing asking George Clooney about the Brangelina divorce at the U.N. General Assembly? Right after stepping out of a roundtable meeting with his wife Amal and President Obama about the Syrian refugee crisis, Clooney was hit with the news. Even though he was visibly shocked, he pulled it together pretty quickly and handled the surprising news like a pro. Clooney and Brad Pitt have been friends for years, ever since they met on the set of Ocean's Eleven back in 2001. According to "Cosmopolitan," Brad Pitt found out that Angelina was filing for divorce on the same day the news broke, so that could be why Pitt didn't give his friend of 15 years the heads up.
Speaking of CNN, the graphic arts department have been trolling Donald Trump quite a bit recently. Take a look...

It's back to school season and this month I have been showing you some awkward first day of school photos. Here's the last one I have to show you...

Feelin' it! Halloween is just around the corner and there's just some Halloween costumes I'm already tired of seeing one month in advance. Like Harley Quinn for instance.

Clearly, this is not a terrible costume like Harambe or Zika, it's just too overdone. It's only September, and it's already overdone. So, I just had my hair all shaved off and I this was used to do it...

Hahaha. That's not true. My hair is all shaved off but that's not what did it. Did you see Hillary Clinton's impersonation of Monica Lewinsky recently?

Hahahaha. Speaking of Ms. Clinton, did you see her new slogan?

Over in the U.K. they have yet another new Prime Minister...

I might have to move back to the U.K. now. Recently Apple released the iPhone7 which would dispense with the headphone jack in favor of (included) wireless earbuds called Air Pods. Old-fashioned wired headsets will still work, but only with a special adapter. If you're one of the many people who were shocked and dismayed by this news, you may have a short memory. This is hardly the first time Apple has blindsided fans with disappointing product announcements. So, once again, here's the pheature called...

The worst graphic ever. Anyway...
The 12-inch MacBook (2015)

It even came in gold, just to hammer home how fragile and overpriced it was. At first, the hype for this ultra-thin luxury laptop was blistering. But sales quickly petered out as consumers realized that it was a flimsy, underpowered alternative to the already-thin MacBook Air. As you might have suspected, the true disappointment was cable-related. A mere three years after introducing Lightning as the end-all, be-all of connectors, Apple announced that Lighting wasn't good enough for this notebook. Instead, in order to conserve space, the 12-inch would have a single port that handled all charging and accessory needs, like some sort of electronic cloaca. And that port would not be Lightning... it would be something new and confusing called USB-C. To connect your iPhone, you'd need another damn dongle. So many dongles.

If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, it's Sunday, and you know what I like to do on Sunday's. It's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back. So, how are you?

Jeff: Always to be good back on the Phile. I'm alive and functioning. I guess I can't ask for more than that. How about you?

Me: I'm doing... never mind. You don't wanna know. Alright, what was the NFL news this week? 

Jeff: The biggest news is injuries. There are two major injuries to speak of in week 2. First we have Minnesota Vikings runningback Adrian Peterson. As if losing their starting quarterback for the season, now their greatest offensive weapon for at least a few weeks. Meanwhile the New England Patriots, already without Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, lost their second string quarterback Jimmy Garopalo. They will now be starting a third string rookie quarterback for the next two weeks until Tom Brady comes of his suspension. All this must be deflating to the team.

Me: I heard a bloody rumour... that Peyton Manning might be coming out of retirement and joining the Patriots? Did you hear this? Where did the story come from?

Jeff: I have heard the rumor, but I don't think it's the case. Brady would come back in two weeks. What would be the point of Peyton coming out of retirement for two weeks? I think the story came out of wishful thinking than anything else. 

Me: So. How did we do last week? The Giants won again.

Jeff: We both went 1-1 last week with BOTH our teams picking up wins, not just the Giants. So ha! As it stands you remain 3 points ahead of me with a 6-3 margin.

Me: Yes! I am winning! Let's do this weeks picks. I say Ravens by 1 and Broncos by 2. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks for next week are Arizona by 3 points and San Diego wins by 5.

Me: Alright, see you here next weekend. Good luck.

Jeff: See you next week!

Me: And now, kids, from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Reasons Why Angelina Jolie Is Divorcing Brad Pitt
5. During sex, he kept screaming out his own name.
4. He was resistant to her plan to adopt every orphan in the eastern hemisphere.
3. He smoked too much weed and drank too much alcohol. And there was the whole "micropenis" thing.
2. They clashed on how to parent Maddox, Shiloh, Trixie, Peaches, Luigi, Ban-Ki Moon Jr., Spanky and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (the baby).
And the number one reason Angelina is divorcing Brad is...
1. Two words: Paul Giamatti.

My son and I were recently talking about when we used to watch "Sesame Street" when he was little. That show is not exactly the same I remember it from back then. Take a look...

Grover and his new friends take enjoyment in shooting their loads into the retirement center's soup of the day.

Today's guest is a jazz saxophonist whose CD "She Likes That" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Geoff Vidal.

Me: Hello, Geoff, welcome to he Phile. How are you?

Geoff: Thanks for having me, I'm doing very well and feeling good.

Me: I had a few jazz artists on the Phile, and you seem one of her youngest. Not as young as Claire Dickson, but young. How old are you, Geoff?

Geoff: I am 36 years old.

Me: Oh, not as young as I thought. How long have you been playing sax?

Geoff: I've been playing saxophone for about 25 years, and professionally for 20 years.

Me: I tried sax in school but hated it. Was that the first instrument you picked up?

Geoff: Alto saxophone was my first instrument in 4th grade, and by 6th grade I was playing tenor.

Me: Why did you choose saxophone as your instrument? Were you a Sonny Rollins fan?

Geoff: My mother steered me towards the saxophone because my grandfather played. Stan Getz was the first voice on the instrument that I heard.

Me: You were in your first band at 15, right? Was that the Stage Door Cantina, or was that where you played? Where was that?

Geoff: Yes, I was 15 years old when I was asked to join Stage Door Canteen, a Cape Cod big band. We played all over Cape Cod and Boston playing many weddings and dances. It was here where I absorbed a basis for jazz improvisation and learned the importance of making your musical point in one chorus or sometimes 8 bars.

Me: You're from New Orleans, am I right? And you left after Katrina hit?

Geoff: I'm originally from Cape Cod, MA but I lived in New Orleans for about three years right up until the storm hit. I was touring the country with a great New Orleans funk band the Brotherhood of Groove and we were on tour in Montana when the storm hit.

Me: Did you get a lot of damage?

Geoff: It was hard for us to be sure just what the damage was due to the media coverage, but when we were finally able to return to the city, but the neighborhood where myself and the drummer lived in had 10 feet of water and the first floor of our house was completely ruined. There was so much wide-spread devastation that it made the most sense for me to return back to Massachusetts and I quickly reconnected with my old contacts and began playing a lot more jazz again and eventually moved to New York in January 2006.

Me: Where do you live now. Geoff?

Geoff: I currently live in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I've been living in Brooklyn for the past eight years and it has been such a welcome change of pace from the craziness of the city, but I can get into the craziness very quickly. There is a huge community of musicians out here and the energy is exactly what I have been looking for.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your music. I listened to your CD "She Likes That" and liked it. I have to ask, she likes what?

Geoff: Well, it's an interesting question with hopefully an interesting answer! The title track off the record was given that title when an ex-girlfriend, whom really resented my music poked her head in while I was practicing a particular pattern (which ended up becoming the basis of the riff for the track) and said "I like that" or "that sounds nice." Something like that. So the title came from a sarcastic place, and I was feeling "wow, this is actually something she DOES like!" Fast-forward a few years and I had just met my current girlfriend, who gets me for who I am and gets my music for what it is. "She Likes That" is an affirmation for myself where I finally found someone you truly does like what I do!

Me: I know how you feel about someone you care about not liking what you do. Did you write the music on it, Geoff? How did you choose the song titles such as "O-Zoning" and "Lanusa"? I have no idea what those two words mean, let alone write a song about them.

Geoff: I wrote four of the compositions on the record ("Darjeeling," "O-Zoning," "Time Apart" and "She Likes That") and my guitar player Joe Hundertmark wrote the rest ("Different Planes," "Freediver" and "Lanusa"). Again, "O-Zoning" came from that same sarcastic place that "She Likes That" came from. After a particularly long-winded global warming rant by the same ex mentioned earlier, I dedicated that song to that. "Lanusa" was written for Joe's ex. Sometimes there is special meaning behind the title of a song, but sometimes it just comes from what's going on in our lives at that moment of composing the song.

Me: Do you have your own band that played on the album with you?

Geoff: This band rarely plays together that much. Makaya McCraven lives in Chicago, Joe Hundertmark just took the gig in the new Cirque du Soleil show and the other cats are just super busy. I've tried to play this material in other groups but it just doesn't have the same flow, so I'm just patient and will wait for the stars to align in such a way that the GV5 can get together and play some music again. I'm really excited about a new group that I'm calling the VOM Trio with myself, Linda Oh on bass and Makaya McCraven on drums. We've got a nice little run coming up at the end of September early October that I'm really looking forward to. I'm looking forward to applying some new compositional techniques in the trio format, where there is just so much freedom.

Me: Did you have fun recording your own album, and are you gonna do another one?

Geoff: The recording was a great experience for a couple reasons. Firstly, the opportunity granted to me by the Arts and Music Factory to produce my first album as a leader was incredible and one that I am extremely grateful for. Second, it was a perfect time to record this material. At the time of recording, the band had actually been playing a good amount around the city and we were just ready to document the group's progression. Third, the way we recorded was pretty unusual. I had no eye contact with my band. The horns were at the other end of the studio with zero eye contact, so the music that we recorded was truly playing by instinct and the trust that we each have with each other comes thru on the recording. I am hoping to record many more albums, and hopefully there are some other labels that would become interested in recording my next album based on the work of SLT.

Me: Geoff, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Can you come back again when your next CD comes out?

Geoff: I would love to come back!

Me: Good. Take care, and all the best. By the way, wanna plug your website?

Geoff: Oh yes, Thanks so much, Jason.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and Geoff Vidal. The Phile will be back next Sunday with singer Greg Preston from Greg Preston & The Machine, a really cool Canadian band. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Go Giants!

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Monday, September 19, 2016

Pheaturing Claire Dickson

Hey, kids, it's Monday, welcome to the Phile. What's up? I hope you've got a tissue nearby, because you're going to need it for this one. More than 400 students gathered last week outside the home of Ben Ellis, a teacher at their Christ Presbyterian Academy in Nashville, TN, who is battling cancer. Nate Morrow, headmaster of the school, told "ABC News," "It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my entire life... He is one of the kindest and intentionally loving people I've ever met in my life... I think that's what really characterizes him. He's always pursuing other people in wanting to get to know them and love them." Ellis has been teaching at the school since 2008 and was diagnosed with cancer last year. How did he feel about the students gesture? Ellis told "ABC News," "In that moment, I felt like I was not alone." Oh, what's that spill on the ground? Just our melted hearts. Get well soon, Mr. Ellis, there are students waiting for your triumphant return.
Mere days after you stopped imagining Hitler's alleged micropenis, a new rumor about the Fuhrer's sex life has emerged... he liked to lay on his back and have women poop on him during sex. This story isn't going to get any less gross, just as a heads up, and not just the man's-inhumanity-to-man grossness that Hitler facts usually involve. According to the "Daily Star" (and Wikipedia), it wasn't just on him, but in his mouth. In fact, it was even suggested he couldn't have normal sex. He supposedly even had scat sex with his niece Geli Raubal once, which is, astonishingly, so far away from the worst thing that Adolf Hitler ever did. These are the findings of a psychological assessment dossier from the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the precursor to the CIA, according to the "Daily Star." The dossier was first published to the world in 1972, but they're getting a lot of attention now because Hitler's sex life is, like, trending on Facebook and stuff. Anyway, the documents supposedly also reveal that Hitler liked to be kicked during sex (bet there are a lot of people reading this that are going to be like "me too, Hitler!") and that he loved boning "peasant girls." Said one Nazi informant, "When they stand in the fields and bend down at their work so that you can see their behinds, that’s what he likes, especially when they’ve got big round ones. That’s Hitler’s sex life. What a man." You are what you eat, and Hitler literally liked to eat shit. Allegedly.
A 5th grader from Riverview Elementary School in Fort Mill, South Carolina was forced to wear a jacket all day at school, including in the heat when she went out for recess, because her teacher deemed her top "inappropriate." Alicia Rogers is speaking out on behalf of her daughter, Jordan, claiming that her top was not in violation of the school's dress code when she wore a criss-cross back top to school on September 1st, and that the teacher mishandled the situation according to the school's own policy. According to "KFVS12," the school's dress code says that kids (or, let's be real... girls) are not to wear "tank tops, tops with spaghetti string straps over the shoulders, and other tops that expose a student's stomach or midriff," and Rogers is confident that her daughter's top did not fall into those categories. Plus, possible heat stroke is a bit more important than bare shoulders, right? Come on, Riverview Elementary School. This is the shirt at the center of the controversy...

Furthermore, according to the school's website, teachers who have issues with student's apparel are supposed to send them to the principal. Rogers is claiming that this teacher failed to comply with policy when they took the matter into their own hands. Rogers is now demanding an apology from the school and is planning on speaking in front of the Fort Mill School Board about the incident. She also says that she is speaking up to set an example for her daughter. "I wanted to take this situation where she felt completely powerless, and I wanted to give her a chance to kind of turn that into empowerment to stand up."
A new study in the "Journal of Marriage and Family" is saying that couples who share the chores have more sex. This study contradicts studies done as recently as 2012, which said couples have more sex when women are in charge of the chores, because gender roles are out, and sharing responsibilities with your significant other is in, baby! Another study, done by The University of Alberta in 2015, had a similar outcome: "male-female couples had better and more frequent sex when men chipped in with the chores," according to the Huffington Post. It makes a lot of sense. If you split the work load, you fight less and have more time to bone. Plus, no one is "in the mood" after having to clean someone else's pubes out of the drain. Wanna get laid? Go scrub the toilet.
Despite being completely fictional, Princess Jasmine from Aladdin is getting heat over the updated, more conservative costume that she wears as a face actor in Disney Parks... and yet no one seems to care about Aladdin's more covered-up look. Here they are side-by-side...

Damn, that new costume seems kind of warm for Agrabah, but at least it will protect her from those Arabian sunburns. According to "Orlando Weekly," people have speculated Jasmine's costume has changed due to guests complaining about her original outfit showing too much skin. Others have speculated Disney covered her up because the actress playing Jasmine was getting catcalled or harassed by adult male park goers. That's stupid as Jasmine is not played by an actress... she's real. Preserve the magic, people. Regardless of the reason, change is hard, and people are having a hard time warming up to Jasmine's new duds. Not surprisingly, no one is really talking about Aladdin's updated look. He went from wearing a chest-baring vest and fez to wearing what looks like an ill-fitting marching band costume complete with bejeweled headpiece. But his change of costume hasn't created much of a hubbub at all. Even for fictional women... you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So, Halloween is not to far away and there's some costumes I'm already tired of seeing. Like the Zika virus...

After the 2014 sexy ebola costume happened, this was inevitable. People already tried out the Zika costume during the Rio Olympics, and it's a soul-sucking idea. It's back to school season and this month I am showing you some awkward back to school pics.

The '80s were a magical time. Recently I went to the book store and saw this book that kinda made no sense...

Hmmm. I don't get it. There's one thing I noticed this year on CNN, and that is the graphic department is trolling Trump. Check it out...

That's real, people. Do you kids like Oreo's? There's a new flavor of Oreo's that just came out.

Get it at Walmart now. Speaking of Walmart, the greeters are slightly different nowadays.

Ha! Hey, did you see Hillary Clinton's Monica Lewinsky impersonation?

Man, could that picture be anymore blurry? You get the idea. Alright, so, you know I love in Florida, right? Well, there's things that that happen in Florida that happen nowhere else in the universe. That's why I have a pheature called...

On a Saturday morning, 19-year-old Carmen Chamblee was arrested for setting her ex-boyfriend's car on fire in Clearwater, Florida only to find out after the fact that, oops, she'd burned the wrong car. Ladies, let's remember... when planning to go all Left Eye on your ex's ass, it's really important to make sure whatever property you're setting on fire actually belongs to them. She started the fire in the trunk of what she thought was her ex-boyfriend's car on August 28th and was seen by witnesses leaving the scene of the crime on a bicycle. A few days later, the Clearwater Police Department released footage of the suspect feeding the flames, and Chamblee was identified. She's now being charged with second-degree arson and probably first-degree poor decision-making.

If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, the other day my son and I were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together. That show is not exactly how I remember it...

"Oscar, I've got fifty bucks and I need a sample of Bert's DNA. And it's go to be... fresh."
"Sure. I've got Ernie's toothbrush and Abby Cadabby's shoes."
"You can't be serious... I mean, you've got to have better than that!"
"Maybe, but nothing I feel like parting with."

Meet 9-year old Amariyanna “Mari” Copeny from Flint, Michigan. She is currently serving as “Little Miss Flint.” Last May, she participated in a historic visit to Flint from President Obama after she wrote him a letter about what she was doing to bring attention to Flint's water crisis. The Trump campaign decided to go to Flint, too, and he also met with the 9-year-old darling. Here was their photo together...

Mari is the face of what many voters are thinking. So much so that she should be allowed to vote. The lucky Trump guard seems to be the only person who avoided seeing it at all. But Mari's face says it all.

Oreo is a delicious sandwich cookie that never wanted to be the go-to metaphor for interracial threesomes.

Today's guest is a talented jazz singer whose album "Scattin' Doll" came out when she was 14-years-old. Please welcome to the Phile... Claire Dickson.

Me: Hello, Claire, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Claire: Great! Thanks so much for interviewing me!

Me: You are one the youngest guest I ever had on the Phile, Claire. How old are you?  

Claire: I'm 19-years-old.

Me: I think it's amazing someone your age is into jazz and the blues. Did you grow up listening to jazz, Claire?

Claire: When I was 11 my dad played an Ella Fitzgerald CD for me and I fell in love with the music immediately. I'm always trying to recruit more young people into the jazz world!

Me: As far as blues music goes, how can someone so young like really know what the blues is?

Claire: I don't know, I just sing them!

Me: What music do you listen to?

Claire: Jazz and blues, of course!!

Me: Okay, but who exactly?

Claire: I listen to Sarah, Ella, Duke, Bird, all those jazz greats! I also like Roberta Gambarini and Kurt Elling. Although now I mostly listen to jazz and blues I also listen people like Joni Mitchell and Paul Simon. Also, my sister is currently obsessed with Sondheim musicals, so lately I've been having to hear a lot of that.

Me: Most kids your age listen to Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga and would not even know who Ella is. Do you have your friends listen to the records you like... broaden heir horizons?

Claire: I know a few people my age who like jazz, but mostly they're into pop music. But at least, because of me, they know about it. Part of what I would like to do is to get more young people into jazz.

Me: Claire, where are you from?

Claire: I live in Medford, MA. Which is near Boston.

Me: When did you first start to perform? My son is 16 and has done a few plays in school when he was younger. Is that how you first started to realize you wanted to be a performer?

Claire: I used to do a lot of musical theater, but I've wanted to perform and be on stage ever since I can remember! I officially started performing when I was three.

Me: When you perform on stage doing your own music, do you get nervous?

Claire: I hardly ever get nervous. I'm so comfortable and have so much fun with this music.

Me: You mentioned your sister... what other siblings do you have? What do they think of your music?

Claire: I have an older brother and older sister who are both in their twenties. They both think my singing is cool. Then I have a younger sister who likes jazz in moderation. But she puts up with it.

Me: Are your parents musical as well?

Claire: Yes! My dad plays the clarinet and my mother sings.

Me: Congrats on winning the Downbeat Student Award. "Downbeat" is a jazz magazine, right? What did you win and when did you win?

Claire: I won as a blues/pop/rock soloist in the junior high school level and I won as a vocal jazz soloist in the junior high school level. "Downbeat" is the granddaddy of American music magazines and I am really honored to have received these awards!

Me: Did you ever think about trying out for "American Idol" when it was on TV?

Claire: I let my parents worry about that stuff, I just concentrate on singing and learning.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your album "Scattin' Doll," Claire. When did that album come out?

Claire: It came out in April 2011.

Me: I am lucky enough to have a copy of it, Claire. It was recorded when you were twelve, right? How did you end up recording an album of jazz material so young?

Claire: It was recorded in two sessions. One when I was twelve and one when I was thirteen. I actually wanted to record so that I could enter the "Downbeat" competition.

Me: Jazz pianoist Ran Blake discovered you when you were performing at a Cambridge Club, is that right? Tell the readers that story. He had you perform somewhere after, am I right?

Claire: I had my thirteenth birthday concert in January 2010 at a place called the Lilly Pad. Ran Blake happened to stop in. He actually only heard me sing one or two songs but he emailed me the next day and said he wanted me to perform on a concert in October. He kept his promise and more than six months later I got to sing at Jordan Hall. It was really fun!!

Me: I have to ask, what were you doing performing at a club so young?

Claire: Well, I love the music and clubs are one of the places available to perform it. The places I have played are nice restaurant-type clubs, not seedy bars! I have also played at arts centers, parks, folk clubs, concert halls.

Me: Anyway, back to your debut album. Did you pick out the songs personally on what you wanted to record?

Claire: For the first session I hadn't even been singing jazz for a year, so I didn't know many songs. I just did the songs I was most comfortable with and knew the best. But for the second session there were a lot more songs to choose from, so for that really did pick the songs I wanted to record.

Me: Who named the album "Scattin' Doll"? It sounds better then "Scattin' Kid," doesn't it?

Claire: My dad thought of that. It's kind of a play on the song "Satin Doll."

Me: There's one song on it I have to ask you about, Claire. The last song on the album is called "Ornithology/How High the Moon." I am 47-years-old and don't know what ornithology is, and there's you at 12 or 13 singing about it. Do you know what it means?

Claire: Yeah. I read about it in the Smithsonian. Basically, it's the study of birds.

Me: Ahhh. Claire, thanks so much for being on the Phile. What's next for you? Will you be recording a new album?

Claire: Thank you!! I hope to do more performing and maybe more recording.

Me: Why don't you go ahead and plug your website or anything else you want to. I wish you a lot of luck and continued success and I hope you come back to the Phile one day. All the best, Claire.

Claire: Buy my cd:, become a fan on Facebook: Website is:

Me: Thanks, Claire. Great job.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Claire for a great interview. The Phile will be back next Sunday with jazz saxophonist Geoff Vidal. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Pheaturing Giulia Millanta

Hey there, welcome to the Phile, kids, for a Sunday. Today in "Headlines You Never Thought You'd See But Totally Make Sense While Being Both Hilarious and Sad," a woman is apparently suing her parents for posting embarrassing pictures of herself as a baby to Facebook. The 18-year-old woman from Austria (who is choosing to remain anonymous) claims that over the past 7 years, her parents posted over 500 pictures of her as a baby without permission. Despite her protests, they will not delete them, so now she's taking it to court. Their family get-togethers are probably super fun, right?Her father reportedly feels that he took the photos, therefore he should be able to post them. But, she told "The Local," "They knew no shame and no limit... and didn’t care whether it was a picture of me sitting on the toilet or lying naked in my cot... every stage was photographed and then made public." This is the first case of its type in Austria, but her lawyer, Michael Rami, thinks she has a good chance of winning when her case is tried in November. If he can prove that her parents posting the pictures on a social media site is a violation of her right to a personal life, they could lose. Based on the outcomes of similar cases in other countries, her parents might be forced to compensate her financially for "pain and suffering." They'd also have to cover her legal costs. And their reign of photo terror would come to an abrupt end. This is important news for anyone whose parents refuse to stop posting that one picture of them running naked through a sprinkler in the backyard at the age of 3 with a blue crayon shoved up their nose. Hypothetically.
The folks at the real estate blog Estately handle home listings in every part of the country, so they've seen pretty much every town name America has to offer... and they collected all the really odd ones into one map and one really big list. Normally, Estately produces quirky maps based on big data... like "The Most Famous Kevin From Every State," "What Every State Googles More Than Any Other," or "What Professions Can Afford To Live In Every City"... but these are just "the weirdest" town names. It's hard to argue with their picks, though, unless you don't see anything odd with living in towns called Coupon, Worms, Ding Dong or Dickshooter. Here's Estately's Florida list of weird town names, along with a few listings, just in case you're life's dream is to have a hilarious address. Briny Breezes, Bunker Donation, Cabana Colony, Christmas, Cocoa, Cooks Hammock, Couch, Dundee, Early Bird, Feather Sound, Floridatown, Frostproof, Golf, Hill ‘n Dale, Howey-in-the-Hills, Leisure City, Lulu, Mayo, Needmore, Plant City, Sopchoppy, Spuds, Two Egg, Waldo, Watergate, Whisper Walk, Yeehaw Junction. I heard of six of those towns.
A flock of conspiracy theorists knew Taylor Swift was trouble when she walked in, because she's a clone born from the DNA of a renowned satanist. Stay with me on this one. With her particular pout, some people believe Swift bares an uncanny resemblance to Zeena Schreck LaVey, the daughter of the founder of the Church of Satan. So, the First Daughter of satanists. A clip of LaVey on "Good Morning L.A." back in the day has gone viral (because of the Swift resemblance, not because of a renewed interest in Satanism). Twitter and Tumblr are on to this likeness, debating whether Swift is a clone, reincarnation, or relative of the satanic priestess. This is a picture of the two side by side...

Theorists are speculating that this cloning is part of a vast Illuminati plot. The theory has been around for a year, and the sheeple are just beginning to wake up. If Swift has made a deal with the devil, wouldn't that just be another man she's orchestrated a relationship with?
In a case of creative but self-destructive problem solving, 70-year-old Kansas City resident Lawrence John Ripple robbed a bank and then waited until police came because he'd rather go to prison than continue to live with his wife. One way or another, he will probably achieve his goal. On the afternoon of Friday, September 2nd, Ripple handed the bank teller a note reading, "I have a gun, give me money." Ripple then sat on the floor until a security guard approached him, at which point he told the guard, "I'm the guy you're looking for." Police arrived soon after, because the bank Ripple had chosen to rob, the Bank of Labor, was on the same block as police headquarters. Later, he told bemused investigators that his most recent argument with his wife had convinced him he "no longer wanted to be in that situation." In fact, according to the FBI report (all bank robberies fall under FBI jurisdiction), "Ripple wrote out his demand note in front of his wife... and told her he’d rather be in jail than at home." It's unclear whether the argument that sparked this took place in the bank. While all bank robberies have to be prosecuted for obvious reasons, one hopes that this bizarre case ends without too much drama, considering no one was hurt. Worst case scenario, though, Ripple still gets his wish.
A Russian man had the ultimate kitchen nightmare, worse than your botched soufflé: a DIY circumcision. The 38-year-old man, known only to the press as Roman A., wasn't inspired to spontaneously convert to Judaism but rather was suffering a painful penis condition. The amateur surgeon/mohel, who lives in the city of Noginsk, was suffering from phimosis, a condition where the foreskin is too tight to retract from the head of the penis. Roman said he was in excruciating pain and couldn't even stand to pee, and when he went to doctors, they refused to operate because of the risks.The brave soul had no choice but to do it himself, and ended up calling an ambulance. Phimosis is said to be common in toddlers and children, but not in older men. The bris is the last resort, but it carries risks like bleeding and infection. Hopefully Roman and his penis have recovered and he can now pee in peace.
So, kids, gets what is around the corner? Halloween. It's coming up soon. Here's an Halloween costume I'm sick of seeing months in advance...

Harambe. He had a tough year. No need to make it worse. Don't get a gorilla suit. There's one thing that I love and that is inanimate objects that look like faces. Check it out...

Hahaha. There's one thing I noticed this year on CNN, and that is the graphic department is trolling Trump. Take a look to see what I mean... this is 100% real, kids.

It's back to school season, and this month I am showing you awkwards pics of kids on their first day back at school.

Is this a throwback photo, or is she an extra on "Stranger Things"? Okay, so over my life people have made fun of my last name... Peverett. I have been called "Pervert" soooo many times. I always say when someone calls me that that it's Prevert... I already did it while the pervert is thinking about it. Anyway, there's some people with a lot worse names in the world.

See what I mean? Okay, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, it's...

Top Phive Things Revealed By Trump's Physical 
5. Technically, he's a 267-pound, man-shaped malignant tumor.
4. His colon is packed solid with undigested Trump Steaks.
3. His forked tail has a terrible case of eczema.
2. He desperately needs to "Make His Cholesterol Levels Great Again."
And the number one thing revealed in Trump's physical was...
1. Everything he's said about the size of his penis is true. Unfortunately, it's not attached to his body.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Alright, it's football season so it's time once again for my friend Jeff and I to talk football.

Me: Jeff, hey there, how's it going?

Jeff: Good to be back on the Phile. Just in the home stretch for my latest book when I finish off the series I'm writing. Now I know how George Lucas felt with Return of the Jedi.

Me: Okay, so, how did we do with last weeks picks?

Jeff: I went 0-2 in the first week, while you went 1-1 plus the Giants won.

Me: Yes! I'm in the lead! Alright, so, what is the latest NFL news?

Jeff: The big news is quite a few injuries through the first week, but I would say the biggest news is that the New England Patriots won with their backup quarterback since Tom Brady is serving the first game of his four game suspension. There was quite the impressive comeback as well, coming down from 17 points down by the Kansas City Chiefs.

Me: And like you said, the Giants won.

Jeff: Not only was it a Giants win, but you beat your rival which is always a good thing too. Now granted they had a rookie quarterback in who will serve as their back up when Romo comes back, but a win against your rival is still a huge win!

Me: Now if we can only beat the Saints in a few hours. Okay, so, let's do this weeks picks. I say Redskins by 3 and your Steelers by 4.

Jeff: Good luck. My picks are New England by 4 and Seattle also by 4.

Me: Great. I'll see you here next Sunday.

Okay, so, my son and I were talking the other day how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together. Looking at the show now, it's just not the same. Take a look at what I mean...

"I tried, Ernie. I tried so hard. I met a woman named Tina. She had a dog named Louise. We got married. I had a job selling insurance. It didn't work out. I want to come back."
"Tima was choked to death with Louise's collar, wasn't she?"
"How... his did you know? Did you follow me?"
"No, Bert. You've been following me. It's been twelve years. There's been seven 'Tina's.' All with dogs. You end it the same way."
"Is... this real? Right now?"
"Let the knife answer that."

Hmmm. I don't know what I think of that graphic. Anyway, today's guest is a very talented musician and singer from Italy whose latest album "Moonbeam Parade" is now available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Giulia Millanta.

Me: Hello, Giulia, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Giulia: Hi, I’m great thanks. I’m sipping white wine on a terrace overlooking the Mediterranean sea…

Me: Okay, I was going to say that's a very fancy way of spelling Julia, that it's almost Italian looking... then I found out you ARE from Italy. Where in Italy are you from?

Giulia: Florence. And, it’s not fancy…we just don’t have J in our alphabet…

Me: So, what's Florence like?

Giulia: Old, charming, crowded.

Me: You now live in Austin, Texas, am I right? When did you move to the states, Giulia?

Giulia: In 2012.

Me: How did you choose Austin to be the place to move to? Is it because of the HUGE music scene there?

Giulia: Well, that of course. I visited some friends there, played a couple of shows, loved it…

Me: Austin is on my bucket list of places to go to. What's your favorite thing about Austin?

Giulia: I can wear a raccoon tail and go grocery shopping or out for a drink and no one really cares…it’s totally normal. A few days ago I spotted a guy at the bus stop dressed like Superman…

Me: Maybe it was Superman. So, was it a culture shock for you moving to the states?

Giulia: I’m constantly shocked. Not just culturally.

Me: Giulia, you speak four languages, am I right? What are they? I speak five languages... English, American, Canadian, Australian and South African. Actually, I speak 6 if you count Jibberish. Haha. I'm so stupid.

Giulia: Well, you are not stupid, you are spoiled… You know you can go everywhere and be understood (sort of). In Europe we all are crammed on a small surface. A lot of diversity, in terms of languages, life styles, food, habits… So it’s natural (at least for me) to feel the need to discover what’s around. I speak Italian, English, Spanish (completely fluent), I understand French. I’m learning German right now.

Me: So, what did your family think about you moving to the states?

Giulia: AH. They gave up on me a long time ago! My mom calls me “the nomad." I moved to Spain in 2005. Also, I am an MD but never practiced… So they are used to my being “unconventional," I guess.

Me: Your new album "Moonbeam Parade" is your fifth album, am I right? Did you release the other four in Italy?

Giulia: No, only the first two. Number 3, 4 and 5 in Austin.

Me: So, growing up in Italy what music did you listen to?

Giulia: I used to listen to the vinyl I had at home: Simon and Garfunkel, Pink Floyd, Neil Young, Joan Baez, and Mozart, Beethoven… some folk music from all over the world.

Me: Who were your influences growing up?

Giulia: All of the above. Then I fell in love with Tom Waits, but not until 2011.

Me: I heard the CD and really, really like it. You have a great voice. Have you always sang since you were a kid?

Giulia: Yes, I still have a cassette tape of me at age 5 singing “Scarborough Fair"... but my dad (who taught me how to play guitar) used to tell me I wasn’t a good singer... Then I took opera at age 24.

Me: Do you do all your own song writing, Guilia?

Guilia: Yes, most of it. I co-wrote a handful here and there and I like cover songs too.

Me: You have a pretty impressive band on the CD... one of the band members played with Bob Dylan, am I right? Are you a fan of Dylan? Did you hear any cool stories?

Guilia: He still does and no, I’m not a fan of Dylan…sorry! But Charlie Sexton is a great guy and an awesome player. I’m a big fan of his! Also, I have Hunt Sales on the record, who used to play with David Bowie.

Me: Do you go to concerts a lot? What was the first concert you saw?

Guilia: Tina Turner. The best. I was a little girl.

Me: Okay, let's go back to your album... "Moonbeam Parade." Where did the title come from?

Guilia: "Moonbeam Parade" is about all the creatures we encounter at night, once the lights are out. Your fears, your demons, your ghosts. They parade in front of you. You can watch or you can follow… but anyhow, you better make friends with them!

Me: Giulia, you are a really good guitarist... do you like to play acoustic or electric better?

Guilia: Thank you! Well, I played acoustic my whole life. For this record, under the advice of my friend and co-producer George Reiff, I started playing the electric. It’s a new experience and so far I like it!

Me: What make of guitar do you play or prefer?

Guilia: I don’t have one. It’s like friendship. If a guitar speaks to me and enchants me, then I like it! 

Me: Someone said that you are "a dash of Piaf, a sprinkle of Lady Day, a pinch of Norah Jones and a teaspoon of Madeline Peroux..." I have no idea who those people are except for Norah Jones... who I have been trying to get on the Phile for years. Do you know who the others are?

Guilia: You don’t know who Lady Day (Billie Holiday) is???? Edith Piaf??? Stop reading this and go listen to them!!!!!

Me: Billie Holiday, yes, I know who that is. Okay, so, I saw the cover of your album "Dropping Down" and it looks like you were falling? I have to show it here...

Me: It's a great photo. Were you falling?

Guilia: I don’t reveal my secrets. But yes, I died. Made a deal with the devil and came back.

Me: Haha. So, who did the drawings on the "Moonbeam Parade" album cover? Did you come up with the idea?

Guilia: Yes, the idea is mine. The awesome drawings are by Gabriel Rhodes (also guitar player on the record).

Me: So, I am sure you have done concerts in Europe and over here... what do you prefer and what was your favorite concert you played?

Guilia: I don’t know. I like places where people listen and pay attention. I don’t know. That can happen everywhere…

Me: I have to ask you about this... you do house concerts... I worry about people doing house concerts... you never know what the persons house is gonna be like or what they are gonna be like. Does that worry you?

Guilia: No and yes. People are the same in a house or in a bar… Usually at a house concert people are quieter and more attentive.

Me: And at these concerts you cook for them? Hmmmm. What do you cook? Do you bring your own ingredients? How much does this cost and will you come to Clermont in Florida? Hahahaha.

Guilia: I do Italian cuisine. The price... depends on the menu you chose, but it’s fair! And yes, I will come to Florida; actually, I have another house concert to schedule there so we can make it work!

Me: So, what's next for you, Giuilia? Will you be going on tour behind this album?

Guilia: Yes. I am on tour now. I am in Italy. I have shows here and then Holland, Germany, Belgium. Then back home and I will be on the East Coast mid November; then more shows around Texas, Oklahoma…

Me: Thanks so much for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun and I hope you'll come back soon. Will you?

Guilia: Sure, if you‘ll have me.

Me: Of course! Go ahead and mention your website and continued success. Take care.

Guilia: Thank you!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and Guilia. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Claire Dickson who was supposed to be on the Phile a few weeks ago. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Go Giants!

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker