Thursday, December 27, 2018

Pheaturing Jeff Goldblum

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday and the last entry of 2018. It would feel deeply dishonest to pretend 2018 was a run-of-the-mill year when it comes to the newscycle. If you were paying attention, it's likely the last year gave you emotional and intellectual whiplash from all of the constant corruption and truly unreal political scandals. With the constant stream of bad news and the culture of panic that goes alongside it, it's easy to miss the good news and all of the seemingly small wins that add up to progress. The year 2018 was nothing if not a rollercoaster ride. On a macro level, the ex-porn star Stormy Daniels cemented herself as a national hero for everyone who hates Trump, Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford represented sexual assault survivors across the world with her powerful and painful statement against Brett Kavanaugh, and Lady Gaga proved her acting chops alongside Bradley Cooper in the tear-jerker A Star is Born.
The holidays can be an extra psychologically painful time of year when you've recently lost a loved one, or when you live far away from those you love the most. All of the messaging about family time during the holidays and holding on to those you love can only intensify feelings of loss and loneliness. So, it's extra delightful to read stories about people pushing past time and space to connect during the holidays. For one father named Hal, spending the holiday with loved ones required extra effort this year. Since his daughter Pierce works as a flight attendant and wasn't able to get the holiday off, and his wife passed away earlier in the year, Hal decided to buy a total of five flights so he could spend the holiday with his daughter. When Hal's seat partner, Mike Levy, heard his story... he was immediately touched and shared it with the Internet (with Hal and Pierce's consent). I immediately want to see Hal's story made into a contemplative movie. Mostly though, Hal's love for his daughter (which she obviously returns) made people feel all warm and fuzzy and temporarily full of faith in humanity.
The best Christmas presents are oftentimes the least expected ones. It's easy enough to make a list and hope people will check it off for you, but that type of gift giving is so transactional. It's like making a grocery list and sending the family to fulfill it instead of letting them cook you their favorite meal. Instead of going the safe route and getting their father something he'd thought up himself, the Twitter user Melia and her sister got creative this Christmas. Up until now, their dad has refused to switch his phone from Android to iPhone because he doesn't want to lose a voicemail from his deceased mother. Rather than make their dad choose between grieving memories of a loved one and functional technology, his daughters were able to transfer the voicemail into a teddy bear for him. At first, he thought it was merely a cute teddy bear, but when he pressed the paw and the message was revealed it brought back a flood of memories. The video quickly went viral causing a domino effect of big feelings, and many chimed in to share the voicemails they've saved from lost or deceased loved ones. Since hearing the voice of someone you lost elicits memories and such a strong feeling of togetherness, it makes sense that a lot of people have voicemails saved. Melia and her sister's expression of love towards their father, combined with his tenderness towards his deceased mom ignited waterworks across the Internet. I'll be right back, I have to go fetch myself a big stack of Kleenex.
Okay, I'm back... The holidays are a time for expressions of love, catching up with family and friends you haven't seen in ages, and reflecting on your year. At least, that's what the holidays mean in Hallmark movies where everyone has pristine white teeth and a Bing Crosby record is humming in the background. In reality, the holidays can feel like an escape room between you, food that will glue you to the couch in a depression, and the one aunt with annoying questions. Luckily, there are endless ways to spice up the holiday dynamics in your favor... and they don't all involve hiding away in your childhood room. Two years ago the Twitter user Judy Brown went viral after she pranked her dad by stuffing his Ferrero Rochers with brussel sprouts.

Since he was fully traumatized and feared the chocolates thereafter, she gracefully took a year off the prank to regain trust. Her kindness towards her dad was limited, because this year she was at it again. She even gave her Twitter followers a play-by-play so they can take note and torture their favorite family members in the future. The devil is truly in the details here, you have to wrap these nasty buggers like you mean it. Despite her immaculate job, her dad was still suspicious at first and kept his distance. When he finally let his guard down, Brown made sure to keep her cool so he wouldn't suspect anything. At first, the outer layer of chocolate did not betray him and he ate in delight. But it didn't take long for the brussel sprout filling to kick in and ruin his post-breakfast chocolate experience. Brown wrote that she has no doubt her father will havoc revenge, but it was all worth it to see his face writhe in disgust. Naturally, the equally evil people of Twitter were in awe of Brown's detailed dedication to this prank. I have a feeling her dad will never eat Ferrero Rocher again, at least, not if she's within a mile of the house.
I know that people were thirsty for Jason Momoa, but I didn't know they were THIS thirsty. Australian company Geeky Sex Toys (tagline: Toys for the Naughty Nerd) has released a limited addition Aquaman dildo that is guaranteed to get you... um... wet. The dildo is of course called the Aquamoan, and only 500 available, so if you want to dive in, order now. This is it...

The dildo pays tribute to the original dorky color scheme from the comics, which is slightly more rugged in the Momoa version. It looks like it has a suction cup and can stick to your shower wall so you can have fun with Aquaman in the water. The Aquamoan joins fellow Justice League members, Batt-Plug and Supercock.

Hahaha. Other highlights from this cursed company include a Pikachu butt plug, a dildo at the end of Thor's hammer, and a Tardis "tard-ass" for "Doctor Who" fans yearning to be flogged. f you're horny for superheroes but prefer Marvel Comics to DC, good news! There's both the Orgasms of the Galaxy...

And The Avengers: Pleasure War...

Have fun, nerds!
Okay, the last story of the year can't be about geek dildos and such. So here is a story about a woman who takes a Grandmas Gone Wild photoshoot for her husband. It's all too perfect. The last thing most of us want to think about is our parents getting sexy for each other. Obviously, we wouldn't exist if it wasn't for them getting it on, but the existential connection doesn't make thinking about it any less uncomfortable. However, not all adult children still shudder at the concept of their parents getting fresh. In fact, this Christmas the photographer Samantha Bishop of Roaming Magnolias Photography acted as a wing woman to her mom by taking a customized sexy photo shoot titled "Grandmas Gone Wild." It all started when Samantha's mom, Lisa Bishop, said she was down to model for a photo shoot as long as it featured her beloved crocheting yarn. It didn't take long for Samantha to suggest they fill a bath tub with her mom's yarn and turn it into a very playful and sensual photo shoot to later be gifted to Mr. Bishop. The Grandmas Gone Wild photos quickly went viral for how fun and creative they were. Samantha caught her mom from every angle, resting in the yarn, playing with the yarn, and giving the sultry eyes to the camera. Here's one of the pics...

While the Internet fell in love with the photo shoot itself, the best part of all of it was Samantha's dad's reaction to the present.

His quick transformation from shocked to giggling and pleased is so full of love... it's clear the marriage is still full of sweetness. This is just the kind of wholesome restoration of faith in humanity that we need to cap off 2018.
So, I've been saying for awhile now sometimes people got their asses saved by a total stranger. Not all humans are the worst. Like this baby who knew another bus rider needed some cheering up...

Remember, not all people are the worst! Now, get out there and help out a stranger today. If I had a TARDIS I would like to go and see the Titanic. Knowing my luck though I'd get there just as passengers are boarding the Carpathia.

I'm not really into manscaping but if I was I think I'd want to get this done...

Is that manscaping? I am thinking about getting another tattoo though but someone took my idea...

Damn them. Hahaha. So, I was told that at Walmart you can see some crazy things. I didn't believe it until I saw this...

Do you like Hot Pockets? There's a new flavor that just came out...

 I bet they are good. How is your kid doing in school? Are they as creative as the kid that did this?

Did koi used to read the "Sweet Valley Twins" books. I think my sister did, and I am wondering if she read this one...

Haha. I mentioned Aquaman earlier. Did you see the poster for the movie? I think Disney had something to do with their first DC movie...

That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...

Haha. Hey, it's Thursday. Guess what that means...

Ugh! That's fucking disgusting. Moving on... it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile for the last entry of 2018. How are you and how was your Christmas?

Jeff: Hey, Jason, glad to be back on the Phile. I had a pretty good Christmas. I hope you and your readers did as well!

Me: I did. This has been the biggest year for the Phile. What do you think the big highlight was? What was it for you?

Jeff: Oh without a doubt it was a huge year for the Phile. You have become the talk of my office with your levels of guests. As much of a fan of NPH as I am, he's not Sir Paul McCartney. So yeah. It's hard to top that!

Me: Speaking of Neil Patrick Harris, who is the biggest celebrity, he or today's guest Jeff Goldblum? 

Jeff: Honestly that's a tough call. Goldblum and NPH are both great actors. Well, Goldblum is a great ham actor. Both are guys I'd love to have a beer with but if I'm picking one, it's NPH.

Me: Okay, enough about me... let's talk football. Did you see this?

Me: Ndamukong Suh tried to gouge Larry Fitzgerald’s eyes out. That's not surprising, right?

Jeff: No, I'm not surprised by that. Suh has always been a dirty player. DIdn't expect him to go all Larry, Curly and Moe out there. I mean this is a guy I used to refer to as Foot Stomper.

Me: Ha! The Falcons' punter Matt Bosher says he was randomly drug tested after huge hit on returner. I don't think the drug tests are random, do you?

Jeff: They can say the drug tests are random, but Eric Reid of the Panthers would proof that. He's been drug tested five teams already this year.

Me: What NFL news do you have?

Jeff: There isn't a whole lot of news this week. Some teams secured playoff seating while the Steelers choked and are now on the outside looking in.

Me: Great Britain has yet taken over another team...

Me: Personally that's my favorite one so far.

Jeff: That's a good one! Plus it doubles for a Bond movie!

Me: Ha! You're right. Alright, so, are you still beating me? How did we do last week?

Jeff: Well, both our teams lost. I went 1-1 and you went 0-2. So I gained a little bit of a lead. 40-33 

Me: Shit. Let's pick the games for the last week of the regular season... Bills by 3 and Falcons by 6. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks are Texans by 5 and Bears by 8.

Me: Okay, my friend, I will see you back here next Wednesday. Have a safe New Years and have fun.

Jeff: Happy New Year!

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, even though it's almost 2019 there's this guy who still loves like it's the 90s. He wanted to stop by and say hi, so please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hi there, Ed, how are you?

Ed: I'm good, man. It's cool Jeff Goldblum is here. His latest movie Jurassic Park looks kick ass.

Me: Ummm... Jurassic park is not his latest... never mind. So, what is new? Anything to say?

Ed: Just do you watch "America's Funniest Videos"?

Me: Sometimes. Why?

Ed: Well, I want to tell your readers that if they want to watch a funny video they have to go through this guy...

Me: Ummm... okay...

Ed: You need to have him here on the Phile, dude. It'll be great.

Me: I'm working on it.

Ed: Cool. Well, have a great New Years. See you in 1994. Party on!

Me: Ed Enistink, the guy who lives in the 90s, kids.

There are ten times more bacteria in your body than there are human cells.

You don't have to be British to laugh at this meme but it'll bloody help.

Hahahahahahahahaha. I'm British... I can laugh.

Joy to the world, the President is putting people's lives in danger with his Twitter feed again. While you were stuffing your face with Aunt Cathy's holiday pudding, Trump and Melania decided to visit the troops in Iraq. As if being a soldier in Iraq during the holidays isn't already hard enough. According to a report in Newsweek, during Trump and Melania's surprise visit, the president asked Lieutenant Commander Kyu Lee, the chaplain of Navy Seal Team 5, to pose for a picture with him. Sounds like Trump alright. One (huge) problem: the photo reveals the presence of the special-ops team at the al-Asad Airbase in western Iraq, Newsweek reports. After leaving the Iraqi airspace, Trump shared video of himself and Melania with members of Seal Team 5 in full battle gear, including night-vision goggles, to his 56.6 million Twitter followers.

The video shows him and Melania posing with the troops, without blurring the faces of special operation forces. A Defense Department official told Newsweek that deployments of special ops are "almost always" kept classified. Our president will stop at nothing for a "patriotic" photo op. Including putting service members and our entire military, and subsequently the world, at risk. Revealing special ops' identities poses a threat to these service members as well as public security, as people have pointed out on Twitter. You sure are a mean one, Mr. Trump.

Barbie is a fashionable doll commonly criticized for setting unattainable standards of Malibu homeownership.

Phact 1. The Disney Channel doesn’t accept any outside ads. The only commercials it airs are for its own shows and Disney products.

Phact 2. A Southwest Airlines pilot once held a plane for twelve minutes, to allow a man to see his dying 2-year-old grandson for one last time.

Phact 3. Giant anteaters do not produce any stomach acid. Instead, the combined sting venom (formic acid) found in all of the ants it eats is used to digest the prey once it is ground up and swallowed, so the ants are digested in their own venom.

Phact 4. Until the late 80s, chocolate diamonds were considered worthless for jewelry and only used for industrial purposes. This lasted until so many were found that marketing strategy was changed in an attempt to make them popular and sell-able gems.

Phact 5. A fake Chess-playing machine named the "The Turk" spent nearly 84 years traveling around Europe and the America’s defeating the vast majority of its challengers, including statesmen such as Napoleon Bonaparte and Benjamin Franklin. It was later exposed in the 1820s, as an elaborate hoax.

This is a great ending to a lost of fantastic guests I had on the Phile this past year. Today's pheatured guest is an American actor. He has starred in some of the highest-grossing films of his era, Jurassic Park and Independence Day, as well as their respective sequels, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, and Independence Day: Resurgence. Now he has a debut album called "The Capitol Studios Sessions" which is available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. This is so bloody cool. Please welcome to the Phile... Jeff Goldblum!

Me: Man, if this doesn't get me cool blog cred... hello, sir, welcome to the Phile for the last entry of the year. How are you?

Jeff: It's my pleasure, Jason Peverett. Phile, and I must ask, what is, what's "phile" in reference to? Good job your last name is not Pedo. Pedo Phile doesn't sound great. Maybe it's phile for anglophile? 

Me: There used be a radio show here in Central Florida called "The Phillips Phile" and I thought "Peverett Phile" had a good ring to it. I "stole" it from him, but didn't think I'd be doing this blog for almost thirteen years. With me it's "file" but with "ph." It's pretty annoying actually. Enough about me and my stupid blog name. When did you first learn how to play the piano?

Jeff: Well, there you go... well, when I was 10-years-old in Pittsburgh my mom and dad gave all us four kids lessons. I would run through my Churney and Beethoven sonatas and being a bad student I didn't know the joy of discipline. But then in a year or so I dread my teacher coming because I really hadn't practiced, but when he gave me an arrangement to "Alley Cat" and I think I became familiar to this idea syncopation for the first time, although there was something in me that already liked it. My mom at Easter time would go, "Easter time is the time for eggs and the time for eggs is Easter time." I don't know where she got that but I was like yeah, yeah that's me, I like that.

Me: What are some of the songs and stuff you played?

Jeff: I sat and played and I learnt "Alley Cat" and the same with "Deep Purple" and "Stairway to the Stars" and that was it. And then we had books hanging around the house and I learnt about chords a little bit and how to read lead sheet and improvise.

Me: Did you ever play professionally back then? You were just a kid so I doubt it.

Jeff: Well, I secretly got myself some cocktail lounge jobs around Pittsburgh, believe it or not when I was like fifteen. And then that was it, but at that time I already decided passionately to be an actor if I could. I went off to New York when I was about seventeen but I always kept a piano around, I snuck it in some movies and plays and things like that.

Me: How did this album come to be after so long you playing the piano and doing shows?

Jeff: About thirty years ago I started to play out and about with musicians and do these so-called gigs. It involved in something that drew the attention of the lovely who are working and who work with Gregory Porter with whom I played a song with on the "Graham Norton Show" while publicizing Thor: Ragnarok. They saw it and liked it and said, "Gee, maybe we should fly to Los Angeles and talk to Jeff, hook him up with Larry Klein the great producer." And that's how we did this album, believe it or not.

Me: Was it hard to choose acting over music or was it easy?

Jeff: I'll give you my answer by saying the highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door. No, wait a minute, that's not going any place. Oh, I know... Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary... I sat at the piano but I already decided to be an actor and yet there were two diverging roads. They really didn't diverge, they only coincided and cross trained each other but like I say it was my only wish to be an actor. But while I was doing that all the time I was actually playing so I was playing, playing, playing. Even now I try and fill my days with acting get a meaningful employment here and there which luckily right now is a particularly fertile time but every day I wake up I play the piano. Thank goodness my mom gave us lessons because it changed my life and it changes my days when I start by playing, and add music to the day.

Me: Is acting and playing music similar to you?

Jeff: Exactly. Music is different of course, and different kind of mysterious enjoyment and deep soul tonic and way to communicate directly to people's gizzards somehow as you know.

Me: You have some cool guests on the album, Jeff... Imelda May, who was on the Phile just over a year ago, Haley Reinhart and of course Sarah Silverman. It reminded me of a Tom Waites album. The album was recorded at a studio but you bought an audience with you. Was it important to have a crowd on the album?

Jeff: Yeah, somebody told me that yesterday. They turned me on to it and I looked it up. I never heard of it before... "Nighthawks at the Diner"? Is that the name of the Tom Waites album?

Me: That's right.

Jeff: Boy, I love him and love that record. And I thought yeah, maybe this is a little like ours. Well, it was all Larry Klein's idea, the producer, but we only played live really, our band, our revolving band over the decades. And of course he also bought in Till Brönner, speaking of guest artists, on the trumpet. He came and heard the stuff we do at the Rockwell. By the way, if you come, or any of your listeners come to Los Angeles we play a weekly gig there on Wednesdays. He heard it and said, "Gee, I love what you guys are doing jazz wise. It's not cabaret, there's kind of some substance to it." The guys who I play with are terrific. He said, "You're playing Charles Mingus and Thelonious Monk, which I really like but people come and I'm happy, you make it a good time and accessible and fun that reminds me in a way of other things and some many things of yesteryear that were social and really intoxicating and fun. Let's do that. The Capitol Records building it was a very fun and wonderful place. And a good place to get sound and we fill up studio A and B as we figured it out with tables and made it like a club like you're doing here, like you've been doing." And that's what we did.

Me: What are you shows on Wednesdays like?

Jeff: It's all spontaneous when we do it. I don't even know the set lists, they play and I kind of play along then I talk to the audience. It's not really an audience, we just kind of hang out together and play games tougher and share this music and often times we introduce some of this music to them because they've come for one reason or another but anyway, we have a grand ole time. Anyway, Larry Klein said we should make the album, try and catch that spirit for the album.

Me: Do you like playing the shows?

Jeff: I do like it. I guess I like the balance which maybe we've hit but certainly these other guys have devoted their lives to playing and are masterful at it. I always try to make my acting all being private and public. I think that's what they call it, being private while in public.

Me: What does that mean?

Jeff: Well, acting teachers will tell you you have to achieve a state of aloneness solitude as if you were having this scene with this other person that's not really meant being witnessed. So the accidental audience when added feels like an eavesdropping is taking place. Something like that. Is that what that phrase is? Wait, being in public solitudes, public solitudes. Something like that.

Me: You must really like doing these shows, right?

Jeff: When I play I don't know, I don't get out any night of the week. It just came out my enjoyment with nothing intentional really. It came out my enjoyment when I go out and I like to see whose there. It's interesting to me whose there as putting on a show for them, which we don't really do. Maybe we do accidentally but I like to see whose there, get to talking to them and I like to share this music with them. And sort or make sure everything we're doing, or I'm doing kind of is in communication with the other musicians but it also is shared with them. Just what's naturally fun for me. Maybe there's a nice balance. Maybe we're not like a cruise ship cabaret show. There's some good players and we play some highfaluting stuff but we get a kick out of it.

Me: Okay, let's talk movies for a minute. This has been 25 years since Jurassic Park, so congratulations.

Jeff: Thank you so much. Then I was in that last one... Jurassic World movie so I'm staying active with many hats. Not fog hats. Ha ha. Great band by the way. Slow ride. Take it easy.

Me: Haha. I heard you have lyrics to the Jurassic Park music, is that true?

Jeff: What's wrong with you? Yes, it goes like this... "in Jurassic Park, scary in the dark, I'm so scared that I'd be eaten." Hahaha. Sing that to the music.

Me: Haha. What is it like to see the movie you made twenty-five years ago still be popular to so many people?

Jeff: It's sweet. Look, I really didn't want to be an actor and I'm lucky I've stayed active for all this time and now I feel like I'm a humble student and my great teacher Sandy Meisner says, "It takes twenty years of continual work before you can call yourself an actor and a lifetime if you're lucky of progress." I feel like I'm on the brink of my best stuff. It's nice I have been able to work with some great people snd interesting people and creatively stimulating and educational people. And it has somehow, like we were talking about with music, reaches people and they get some pleasure out of it and it's sweet when they come up to me. They put that statue of me in London to commemorate the 25th anniversary. Did you see about that?

Me: No, I didn't. That's crazy though. What did you think about that?

Jeff: That's fantastic. It's wonderful. Ha ha ha.

Me: What do you think about all the memes and you being a cult figure almost?

Jeff: Well, it's taking me by surprise. I only got involved with social media a little bit ago and I post on Instagram. At the beginning I take pictures with people and then I see if they posted it the next day. I like to see people's tattoos of me and drawing of me and I get a kind of kick out of it for one reason or another.

Me: When you first started acting, or at least twenty-five years ago, everything is different with social media and stuff. What do you think of it?

Jeff: It is a little different, isn't it? It's very sweet, people have always been sweet. I've always gotten a kick out of it but me everybody has got a phone. I'm memorable when they say, "Hey, let's act out that scene with you and Laura Dunham. Put your finger in this glass and drip some water on my hand and make a video for my mom and say hi and happy birthday to her." I don't mind it, I kind of like it. People are very, very sweet actually. It's nice to be welcomed into their sweet parts of themselves. Some people walk the streets and it's a town without pity. Did Foghat sing that? They had a song about a city, right?

Me: Haha. Yeah, "Fool For the City."

Jeff: I thought that was Stephen Bishop.

Me: Hahahaha. Nope. So, with jazz where you have to be spontaneous is it the same as acting do you think?

Jeff: Yes. And of course I have to trust those people. But I think the healthier I am the more quickly I'm able to trust. With people if I sort of extend my trust then their trust worthiness comes into play a little better sometimes I find. I like a room full of people I've never met before and somehow I don't know why at this point I kind of full into an immediate kind if intimacy. I don't know. If I'm playing music, oh boy, all sort of barriers and paranoia and insecurities and self consciousness drop away. In the acting field to, if I'm playing a story and acting out something poetic and meaningful well then yeah. Often times I find like in a circus kind of I find myself with people I've never met before, sometimes I have to act out a love scene with them or some sort of interesting human challenging problem solving requiring intimacy and full free-wheeling interaction somehow. But I don't even know the people but because I'm working on this story extensively we both care about everything gets opened up... and with music to. That's a good answer, isn't it?

Me: Yeah, it was. Jeff, thanks so much for being on the Phile, finishing up a great year of interviews. 

Jeff: It's been nice talking to you, Mr. Jason Peverett.

Me: Happy New Year, come back on the Phile again soon.

Jeff: You're so sweet, thanks, Jason.

Man alive, that was great. Well, kids, that about does to for this entry of the Phile and the year. I have to say I planned to end the Phile this past August but decided to keep it going. It turned out to be the biggest year for the Phile ever with guests like Alicia Keys, Bill Hader, Paul Simon, Neil Patrick Harris and of course Paul McCartney. I don't know how I am gonna top this year in 2019 but I will try. The Phile will be back next Wednesday kicking off 2019 with David Crosby. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Goodbye 2018, ya bitch.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

A Peverett Phile Christmas 10 Pheaturing Rod Stewart

Hey, kids, welcome to the Peverett Phile Christmas... 10! Crazy, right? How are you? Did you ever notice in all the movies Santa never goes to the house directly next door? He always gets in his sleigh and picks off like twenty miles east. Are you single this Christmas? If so don't be said that you're single, be happy that you don't have to buy extra presents. So, I'm wearing my Grinch t-shurt and I just had a thought... maybe the Grinch would be nicer if every five minutes a dude wasn't singing songs about what a piece of shit he is. Okay let's start off with a story about the greatest company to work for... ever.
Disney shouldn't really be surprised when they're remaking the animated classics that millennials hold so dear if there are a few things that everyone agrees just shouldn't be changed. Everyone is down for minor modern adjustments to the plot or a few new songs, but apparently the genie being blue is a sacred characteristic and people are well, blue about it. After Entertainment Weekly posted this first look at Will Smith as the genie in the new Aladdin, the Internet was stunned, disturbed, disappointed, enraged... every moment red-letter, if you will. In a time when our government is on the verge of a shutdown and our riff-raff president's lawyer was just arrested for doing something the street rat president told him to do, it's important to take a step back and focus on what matters: whether or not the genie should be blue. May I suggest that we all recall the fact that the genie is a shape-shifting magical character who takes hundreds of forms throughout the original film and that perhaps most of the work of this costume will be done by computers? Maybe this reaction was a bit too "one swing ahead of the sword?" Call me crazy, but I highly doubt that Will Smith is just going to be rocking out spells in a top knot on a Disney budget, but apparently the initial disappointment was just too real to not be addressed. The anxiety over the genie not being blue was so high that this super sleuth soon stepped in with a screenshot from Will Smith's instagram...

And Will Smith himself addressed it in his caption. Entertainment Weekly even sent a follow-up tweet to worried fans...

So there you have it, the genie will be blue. Now we can get back to more important things, like what Jasmine's hips will look like in live action.
It's no small secret that Donald Trump and Melania exude the same levels of romantic chemistry as a black hole. Which is to say, photos of them together are far more likely to inspire feelings of death and destruction than they are love and connection. While candid shots of the two of them inadvertently portray Melania as a captive, silently blinking to be saved from the clutches of the Fascist-in-chief, the glaring emotional vacuum in their most carefully posed photographs feels even more bone chilling. At this point, I have no doubt I could fill a museum with examples of the Trump's stony body language and seeming lack of pulse, but this time around we're going to focus on the 2018 Christmas card. Here it is...

Yesterday, Melania posted the official family Christmas portrait of her and her captor, and the stilted body language screamed volumes to the Internet. Many people noted how the colorful decorations feel more alive than the couple themselves, which speaks volumes given the specter of Melania's blood-themed Christmas decorations. In fact, the deeply awkward body language stuck out so much that body language expert Patti Wood spoke to In Style about what it conveys. "If you look at that photo and don’t move in on it tightly at all, you can feel the tension in it. There’s many things that show affection, care, a desire to merge... that aren’t present. It’s a loose handhold. If you look at her hand, it is bent around his and slightly lifting his up. But you can see where he’s not fully joining in by the way that his thumb is awkwardly out. It’s very odd. If you look at it closely, you see that the thumb is straight and pointing at him as opposed to resting or curling around her, and doing what would be normal to show a return of affection." When you take a look at last year's photo, the tense body language and lack of full physical contact is almost identical. Also, both years their family Christmas portraits exclude their son Barron, which brings up a whole different crop of questions. If a body language expert archived a years long history of Melania and Donald, that could be a whole book in itself. If you added the scarce shots with Barron, the creepy shots with Ivanka, the cloying shots of Don Jr, the shots showing Eric as an unsexy vampire, and the angsty and alienated pictures of Tiffany, well, you'd have a whole series of books.
Someone who works in social media at The UPS store is probably going to get fired for having a heart full of coal and dead dreams. In a tweet that earned over 15,000 likes and 4,300 re-tweets in less than 24 hours and has since been deleted, The UPS store gave the Internet a dark and graphic image of what happens to all the letters hopeful children send to Santa...

Granted, every Christmas-celebrating child has to learn the truth about Santa one day and the over-the-top, elaborate measures some parents take to protect the fantasy do seem a little unnecessary. The UPS store, though? In arguably the most famous movie about the legend of Santa Claus, Miracle on 34th St. the United States Postal Service is the reason the lawyer is able to prove that the Macy's Santa is the real Santa. If we can't get the United Parcel Service on Santa's side, maybe we should tell our kids to start emailing Santa? It'd be better for the environment. Staci Reidinger, the public relations and social media manager for the UPS store told Buzzfeed, "We do a lot of puns that have second-or third-level meanings in our posts. We thought this was going to be one of those. We’re very sensitive to what we do on social, and if we see things that are going in the wrong direction, we want to say, 'okay, we’re going to back off of this.' We did not want to take away from the magic of Christmas. [The tweet] was just to get people laughing." As far as the employee who tweeted the Santa-shaming, Reidinger says he or she has been made aware of the backlash, but no disciplinary action has been taken. For the record, I don't think this person should be fired, I think they just need some Christmas cheer. Still, a lot of people were scandalized by the UPS store's Grinch-like attitude. But maybe this is just a nice reminder to keep your children off of Twitter? After all, you wouldn't want them to see our president like that. Let's just hope The UPS store social media manager gets to push the old Santa off a roof this year so he or she can learn a lesson about the spirit of Christmas.
The media loves profiling Trump supporters, with articles like, "Tommy used to work on the docks, union's been on strike he's down on his luck, it's tough, so tough. Gina works the diner all day working for her man she brings home her pay, for love, for love. We gotta hold on to what we got..." Finally, we have an op-ed by a Trump voter with a real twist: butterflies. A man named Luciano Guerra wrote about his plight in The Washington Post, giving us what might be the most bonkers headline of 2018. "Right now, in Mission, Texas, we don’t worry about immigrants who crossed the border illegally or drug smugglers. We worry about having to defend our private property from seizure by the federal government," Guerra wrote. Nobody who lived through 2016 can say that they weren't warned about Trump's plan to build a wall. Guerra insists that he didn't think Trump was for real. "People have asked me, 'Didn’t you listen to Trump when he said that he would build a wall?' I didn’t take the idea seriously during the campaign. I knew he couldn’t get Mexico to pay it... that’d be like asking Hurricane Harvey to foot the bill for rebuilding Houston... and thought it was just talk: another candidate making big promises he couldn’t keep. I never thought it would actually happen." The Butterfly Guy also recently suffered the humiliation of agreeing with Speaker of the House-to-Be, Nancy Pelosi. "By backing the wall, my party has abandoned the conservative principles I treasure: less government, less spending, and respect for the law and private property. The wall is expected to cost between $8 billion and $67 billion to build, and its rushed construction requires the waiver of 28 federal laws meant to protect clean air and water, wildlife habitat and historical artifacts. As I followed the news [last week], I was amazed to find myself agreeing with Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), who called the project 'immoral, ineffective and expensive.' Here was a Democrat telling a Republican that a policy would cost too much." Elections have consequences, and the consequences kill butterflies. Even if it were safe from Trump, a "butterfly paradise" would never be safe from Mike Pence. Pence puts butterflies in therapy to try and convert them into moths.
Ah, the spirit of Christmas. It inspires people worldwide to be more generous, more forgiving, and more accepting during the holiday season. Everyone except one rude customer who prompted Sarah Bélanger Demaneuf to enact a revenge plan that has the Internet howling this week. Seventeen years ago, Sarah was working at a retail store when she encountered a particularly difficult customer. She detailed the experience in a Facebook post that went viral. I'll let Sarah take it from here...

Here's the whole thing that she wrote...

Yep, she did that. Commenters (virtually) leapt to their feet, applauding Sarah's supreme level of pettiness. I have no choice but to commend Sarah and her vengeful ways. I'm scared of what she might do otherwise.
So, I was thinking, instead of doing this blog thing I should be wrapping presents, drinking egg nog and listening to this album...

Nah. Maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would like to go back about a hundred years and see what Santa looked like then. Then I'd see this...

Nope. Nope. Nope. Remember the Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2? This is her now...

Feel old yet? Hahaha. Have you ever wondered what it'll be like if Jesus was born this year in 2018? Lemme show you...

Are people still riding Segways? You know about Elf on the Shelf, right? Well, the president has his own.

Hahahahahaha. I love those blow up Christmas decorations on people's from lawns, but I think this one is the best...

I don't know about you but I love to shop. Some guys don't though, like this guy...

Are you looking to get your wife or girlfriend something for Christmas and don't know what to get? I can help. How about this color changing umbrella?

This color changing umbrella which sells for $40.75 changes colors when wet. The umbrellas are printed with special ink that's white when dry and comes to life when in contact with water. Why would you buy a normal umbrella again? They say you'll see weird things at Walmart. I didn't believe it until I saw this...

So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn for free and so easily. But if you're at work you might get in trouble, so I came up with a solution...

You're welcome. Alright, I have to show this meme someone made of my dad which I thought was funny and which he would've loved...

I love it. So, this year don't forget what Christmas is about...

Ha! Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Cute Hashtags For Your Selfies This Holiday Season
5. #SingleAllTheWay
4. #MistleNOPE
3. #Falalalalonely
2. #OnTheThirstDayOfChristmas
And the number one cute hashtag for your selfie this holiday season...
1. FelizNahlmGood

Haha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, kids, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome to the Phile for the annual Christmas entry. How are you?

Jeff: Hey, Jason, always great to be back on the Phile! I'm doing alright other than a bit of back problems but otherwise I'm well. How about you?

Me: Toe problems. So, today's pheatured guest is Rod Stewart. Are you a fan?

Jeff: Rod Stewart was one of those acts growing up I associated with my parents so I wasn't a fan but as I got into my own style of music and realized I was a classic rock guy too then yes, there are several songs of his that I enjoy!

Me: So, are you looking forward to Christmas? What are your plans this year?

Jeff: I am looking forward to Christmas. The usual plans, albeit slightly out of order so we can spend it with my cousin's young son. What about you? Any plans?

Me: Going to some special people's houses I think. Okay, let's talk about football. The Titans took away the Giants chances from being in the playoffs. The Giants didn't even bloody score. I'm so irritated. They didn't have a chance to be in the playoffs anyway, right?

Jeff: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the Titans didn't take away the Giants chance at the playoffs, the Giants took away their chance. With the exception of last week, the Giants have had a crappy season. Again.

Me: True. This sucked... did you see during the second quarter the Titans-Giants game in New Jersey, Titans QB Marcus Mariota showed off his “grown man strength” by laying out Giants LB Alec Ogletree with a vicious block on a Derrick Henry run? Asshole. Hahaha.

Jeff: I must have missed that. But if a linebacker got taken down by a QB, is that really the quarterback's fault?

Me: True. What football stories do you have this week?

Jeff: The biggest news of the week is once again the health of Eagles QB Carson Wentz. He will miss his second straight game with a back injury. Meanwhile Nick Foles looks to lead his team back to the playoffs and possibly another run to the Super Bowl. In other news, the Patriots lost! And the Cowboys got shut out! HAHHAHAHAHAHAH!

Me: Ha! Britain has taken over another team, Jeff...

Jeff: I'm not going to lie. I don't even know what that's a logo for.

Me: Ha. Okay, the Giants lost as we all know. I didn't beat you this week, right? How did we do? 

Jeff: This week, the Steelers won and the Giants lost. I went 1-1 and you went 0-2. So my lead has grown on you! It's now 38-33.

Me: Ugh! Okay, this week's picks for me are Eagles by 8 and Panthers by 2. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks are Chargers by 8 and Rams by 4.

Me: Okay, I will see you here next Thursday for the last entry of 2018. Can you believe that? Have a good Christmas, Jeff, I hope you get what you want.

Jeff: Merry Christmas to you, to your readers... and just because I will never get to say this and have him read it (possibly) Merry Christmas, Rod Stewart.

Awe. Poor Elf. So, there's a guy who is stuck in the 90s and has a problem with a popular Christmas movie that came out in the 90s and wanted to say something about it. So, I thought okay... why not? Please welcome back to the Phile...

Ed: Hey, man, what's happening? Happy holidaze.

Me: Hey, Ed, so, what is your deal with what Christmas movie?

Ed: Well, the older I get, the more I wonder what Kevin McAllister's dad did to afford this house and a vacation to Paris for nine people.

Me: I know what you mean, Ed. Also the police would not simply shrug off child alone in a house.

Ed: I know, man. Crazy, right?

Me: Yeah. Is that it, Ed?

Ed: Yeah, man, I'm not gonna go and have some eggnog. Merry Christmas.

Me: Back to you. Ed Enistink, kids, the guy who lives in the 90s.

Penny Marshall 
October 15th, 1943 — December 18th, 2018
Schlemiel! Schlimazel! You're dead!

A battle for the ages is raging on a suburban street in America, and we haven't seen such Christmas decoration drama since National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. The story takes place in Florida, because of course it does. It all started when Diana Rowland... a "former cop" and "former morgue tech," according to her Twitter bio... erected some giant inflatable dragons in her front yard. Rowland's neighbors apparently didn't take kindly to the display. They sent her an anonymous note, which has more than a hint of Bible-thumping sass to it. The note reads, "Your dragon display is only marginally acceptable at Halloween. It is totally inappropriate at Christmas. It makes your neighbors wonder if you are involved in a demonic cult. Please consider removing the dragons. May god bless you and help you to know the true meaning of Christmas." After getting the anonymous letter, Rowland embodied the true meaning of Christmas by spending more money on giant plastic dragons.     They're red and green, as a concession to her neighborhood's self-appointed holiday police. Rowland is steadily amassing an online fan base of fellow dragon enthusiasts. They've even offered her money to spend on more and more dragons, but she's declined, instead suggesting they make charitable donations. Her followers took her seriously. One person donated to save abandoned penguin chicks in South Africa. How's that for the spirit of Christmas, killjoy neighbors??

Hahaha. So, a friend of the Phile has a very special Christmas message for everyone. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Basically, it comes down to this... if you’re offended by an old Christmas song... if you’re offended by someone wishing you a Merry Christmas... if you’re offended by statements pro or con about our President... if you’re offended by someone paying you a compliment on how you look... if you’re offended by the fact that someone doesn’t agree with you... if you’re offended by someone’s opinion... if you’re offended suddenly by something that never bothered you before everyone else became offended by it... if you’re offended by jokes... if you’re offended by the fact that others aren’t offended by the same thing as you... if you’re offended by someone because they have respect for the police and the military... if you’re offended by how someone else celebrates a faith based holiday... if you’re offended by how someone dresses... if you’re offended by someone else’s taste in music, movies or TV shows... then fuuuuuuuuck you. Life is far too precious to waste so much as a nanosecond of my time on your negative bullshit. #IchooseHappiness.

Yesterday at a federal courthouse in DC is the sentencing of Michael Flynn, Trump's National Security Adviser for a mere three weeks, who was forced out when it was revealed that he lied about his conversations with the Russian ambassador and later pled guilty to lying to the FBI. Casual viewers of The News will most likely remember Flynn as the dude who lead a "lock her up" chant about Hillary Clinton at the 2016 Republican National Convention. Russia investigation superfans such as myself (see you at MuellerCon?) know Flynn as the dude who was a paid to represent a foreign power over American interests while working on an American presidential campaign. Since pleading guilty, Flynn has cooperated with the Mueller investigation, and was so helpful with providing damning intel that the Special Counsel's Office recommended he serve zero jail time. That didn't stop Trump from opening his big mouth on the ongoing legal drama, and tweeteing out a message to Flynn that legal experts (and people who know what words mean) are calling witness tampering. "Good luck today in court," he said, sounding like the mom in Freaky Friday. "Will be interesting to see what he has to say, despite tremendous pressure being put on him, about Russian Collusion in our great and, obviously, highly successful political campaign," he added, which doesn't sound mob-y at all. Legal experts are saying that Trump sending a message to a witness is witness tampering, an act that is illegal as to protect the integrity of criminal proceedings. Trump also must be out of the loop with his own legal team, because Rudy Giuliani's hot new take is that collusion is not a crime. The tweet also raises the question, "why is the president cheering on a convicted felon?" Jailbirds of a feather flock together?

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "They're Carol's."

Mistletoe is an evergreen plant which produces oval leaves, white berries, and sexual harassment lawsuits.

Phact 1. Japanese people traditionally eat at KFC for Christmas dinner, thanks to a successful marketing campaign 40 years ago. KFC is so popular that customers must place their Christmas orders two months in advance.

Phact 2. We frequently abbreviate Christmas as Xmas because of ancient tradition. X is the Greek letter “chi” which is an abbreviation for the word “Christ” in Greek.

Phact 3. An artificial Christmas tree would have to be reused for more than 20 years to be “greener” than buying a fresh-cut tree annually

Phact 4. The Nazi party tried to turn Christmas into a nonreligious holiday celebrating the coming of Hitler, with Saint Nicholas replaced by Odin the “Solstice Man” and swastikas on top of Christmas trees.

Phact 5. The U.S. playing card company Bicycle had manufactured a playing card in WW2. That, when the card was soaked, it would reveal an escape route for POWs. These cards were Christmas presents for all POWs in Germany. The Nazis were none the wiser!

Okay, here we go, I'm so exited... today's pheatured guest is a British rock singer and songwriter. He is one of the best-selling music artists of all time, having sold over 100 million records worldwide. His latest album "Blood Red Roses" is available on Amazon, iTunes and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Rod Stewart!

Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile for this Christmas special. It is such an honor to have you here. How are you?

Rod: Hello, Jas. Alright, mate. I'm doing very well.

Me: I can't believe it, you've been making music my whole life... over 50 years. What went through your mind when you signed your first record deal?

Rod: Freedom to be able to express myself and do what I wanted to do.

Me: You remember that day well?

Rod: I remember distinctively. When I went to my first audition at Decca I turned up a week early and they said, "Sorry, Mr. Stewart, come back in a week." No, it was wonderful to make the first album. The thing is I wanted to get all my friends which were the Faces at the time and get them all into the studio and just have a lovely time with a couple of bottles of wine and see what we can come out with. As I said it was like freedom, freedom I could do what I wanted to do. Sing some songs that I loved, write some songs. On that first album I had a lovely song by Ewan MacColl called "Dirty Old Town." It was a long time ago, Jas. 

Me: Is what you wanted to do changed since then?

Rod: No, not really. I just want to get my feelings down and tell some stories. I like telling stories. Nearly all the songs I've written have a beginning, and end and a middle. My enthusiasm is still there, I think that is what you're trying to find out. And it really is, I love the recording process more now than I did back then.

Me: Do you ever get nerves or pressure?

Rod: No, no nerves, no pressure, mate. That's probably why I'm enjoying it so much. Obviously I'm not going to sell as many records as Taylor Swift or whatever but then again I had my moments selling millions and millions of albums. I just enjoy what I do and I enjoy the music I'm making and hopefully people along the line will listen to it and my fans for a long time will listen to it as well and it'll have some bearing on their life.

Me: Well, I love the song from the new record called "Didn't I." Did you write that song? What is it about?

Rod: Well, it's a song that is sort of like a drug beware song from a parents stand point. That's all I can say about it. If you listen to the lyrics it says it all. Try to warn a teenage daughter about the down side of taking drugs is what the song's about.

Me: Is it a personal song?

Rod: It is and it isn't. I can't say any of my children had any big problems with drugs. Maybe one of my sons had a bout with drugs but there's a lot of tragedy out there with opioids or opiads, whatever they're called. That didn't spur me on to write the song, I don't sit down and think I'm going to write a warning to parents type of song. It's just the way the song came out.

Me: Are the personal songs harder or easier to write?

Rod: They're easier for me. There's a song on there about my friend who passed away about four years ago that I've known from the 60s. I have to wait for the right vehicle to write the right track to come along to write the lyrics to. I'm not the sort of guy who write the lyrics and puts it to the music. It's the other way round.

Me: Yeah, "Farewell," is a beautiful song. It brings tears to my eyes.

Rod: Thank you, Jas.

Me: I love your version of the blues standard "Rollin' and Tumblin'." When did you first hear that song?

Rod: I've been singing that ever since I was a teenager, when I was with Long John Baldry. It's a very familiar song to me. We just updated it and I'm very pleased with it.

Me: I love the way you interpret other people's songs. I love the album "When We Were the New Boys." How do you decide what songs you're gonna do?

Rod: I don't. It's just got to appeal to me, whereas the lyrical content or the melody. It's got to be the right combination.

Me: Do they have to have a meaning to you?

Rod: No, it just has to be a song I want to sing. If I want to sing it I'll sing it.

Me: Are their any sings that are so sacred to you you're almost afraid to do a version of them?

Rod: Yeah, there are songs. I mean for instance I would never sing "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. There are certain songs but by and large I can mold the songs in my own way and in my own style. But that one, "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke I wouldn't dare to sing that.

Me: Why is that?

Rod: It is very sacred to me. It's the last single he had out before he was murdered. It's just ironic that happened to be about the civil rights movement. Then he was gone.

Me: You knew my dad and played football with his brother, my uncle John in the late 60s and early 70s when you were in the Faces I think. I have to show this poster here...

Me: What was it like at that time in your life? I bet it was fun.

Rod: It was a wonderful time, it was with the Faces. All hell broke loose when the Faces came about. They came about just the right time I believe when people were taking music to serious. I think song like "Had Me a Real Good Time" sums it all up. We had some wonderful days together.

Me: When did he Faces split up and why, sir?

Rod: I think the band eventually split up in '75. Woody went his way and we lost Ronnie Lane. It all just fell apart, which is sad.

Me: What did being in the Faces give you that you kept throughout the years?

Rod: I learnt how to drink properly. Ha ha ha. I learnt how to party properly. We were a bunch of tearaways all right. Good days we had. 

Me: Weren't you guys banned from a certain hotel chain?

Rod: Yeah, we were banned from the Holiday Inn's because we used to break televisions and behave badly. Most of that was brought around, which seems pretty delinquent now, we were treated so badly by the Holiday Inn's. The room service was always closed and so we used to take it out on chairs and tables and televisions. So in the end we were banned by the Holiday Inn but that didn't stop us because we used to check in as Fleetwood Mac who were also unknown in those days.

Me: Haha. I have to mention "Maggie May," which Rolling Stone calls one of the greatest songs of all time. I totally agree. Is it true that song was a B-side first?

Rod: Absolutely. It nearly didn't make it on the album. The record company which was Mercury at the time said we only have nine tracks, we need ten. So I said we've got this one track, I haven't finished it yet. They said to finish it off and bring it in. It was "Maggie May" and they didn't think to much of it because it didn't have a hook in the middle of it. So they said, "That will do, we'll plonk it on the album." "Reason to Believe" was the single and "Maggie May" was the B-side. A disc jockey in Cleveland turned it over and that was it. I wouldn't be talking to you today if he hadn't done so. 

Me: Foghat's "Slow Ride" wasn't supposed to be the big hit either. Life is weird. What does that type of thing tell you about the music business?

Rod: Well, it tells me one or two things. You got to trust the label in what they say. Especially nowadays because they really do their homework. It wasn't my idea to have "Didn't I" as the first single but it turns out it had done very, very well. It was all a bit hit and miss in those days, whereas now if I may use the word there's a bit more science goes into it, choosing the first single. Different days, Jas, different days.

Me: Can you imagine starting now with streaming on-line and putting songs up on SoundCloud or YouTube? Can you imagine having to start out now?

Rod: No. It frightens the life out of me. My daughter has just been signed by Sony in Nashville, she's a country singer who has a little band called the Sisterhood. It's very difficult for her. It's hard to get played. When you listen to the radio now there's so much great music gone previous that people want to hear that's been made through the 70s, the 80s and the 90s. The channels are getting clogged up a little bit. It's very, very difficult. I'm glad I came through in the early 70s when everything was relatively brand new. People were crying out for music.

Me: On the road when you do concerts you play all your old hits. Is it still fun to play those old songs?

Rod: Of course it is. Yeah. I always say of Sam Cooke, or my idols were alive like the old Temptations, if they didn't do the songs that made them famous that I purchased I'd be furious. I want to hear the old songs. But by the same token I have to bring some new stuff in, which is what I do. And then I tell the audience to give it a massive round of applause. I tell them it's a new song and I say, "You got to give it a big round of applause." And they do at the end.

Me: My dad always said to me they could always tell they're the new songs because they'll clap before it's over. Do you agree?

Rod: That's about it. You got to con them. What I say is, "Just make out like you just listened to 'Tonight's the Night' and give it the biggest applause you've ever done." They always do and that makes me feel better and it makes the song feel better.

Me: Do you feel that the big popular songs are still yours, that they still belong to you?

Rod: No, no I don't. They're still my children. I gave them birth. They still belong to me.

Me: So, a lot of artists in your generation of music like Bob Seger, Elton, Paul Simon who has been on the Phile, are doing or have done farewell tours. Can you see yourself doing that?

Rod: Um, yes I can. It's not time for me yet. Although all good things must come to an end. I can understand Paul Simon and Elton, they want to be around their kids. But I manage to being my three young kids because I tour in the schools holidays. My other kids joins me on the road when I'm there. They say they wanna see their dad and they come out on the road. They love it for a few days. I understand those two, it's not something I'm thinking about just yet but all good things must come to an end so it will end one day.

Me: It's so great you take the kids out on the road. We used to go on the road as kids ourselves and see my dad in concert. It's fun, right?

Rod: Yeah, they say they want to see me and I go come on then, let's go. I book them hotel rooms and we have some fun.

Me: How old are they?

Rod: They're all in their twenties and in their thirties and I've got two little ones, seven and twelve-year-old.

Me: Are you allowed to go and stay at a Holiday Inn with them? Haha.

Rod: Yeah, all is forgiven. I don't stay at the Holiday Inn's anymore. Ha ha ha. Bit more upmarket. 

Me: I understand. Speaking of Elton, I read that you guys are "friendemies." What does that mean? 

Rod: Yeah, friendemies. We're still at it now, I'm probably going to get in touch with him and see how this new album does. He's in his 300 date retirement tour which I smirked at. I thought it was robbing the public, I thought it was a big cheap so I'm not in his good books at the moment. I love him dearly though, he's a good pal.

Me: How did that start with you two having fun with each other in the press?

Rod: Do you know I don't really know. We were both discovered by once again Long John Baldry. Long John gave us our names. I'm Phylis and Elton is Sharon. I don't know how it started. We used to live very close to each other in the 70s in England and one thing led to another.

Me: Rod, do you have any advice for young musicians who are gonna start out next year?

Rod: All I can advise is you have to feel the music, want to do it, feel it with a passion, got to be a burning desire in your chest to make music. No there excuses. Don't do it because it's trendy or something. If you do it forget fame, forget money, just do it because you love it.

Me: Nice. Rod, it's such a thrill to have you on the Phile. Thanks so much.

Rod: Thanks, Jas, bless you, mate. That was a lovely interview. Merry Christmas to you and your readers.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz, Laird Jim and of course Rod Stewart. That was amazing. The Phile will be back next Thursday with the last entry of the year. The guest will be... get a hold of this... Jeff Goldblum! Yep! Crazy, right?! Spread the word, not the turd. don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody!

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker