Sunday, July 31, 2016

Pheaturing Keith Top Of The Pops

Take me down to Paradise City, where the girls are green and the grass is pretty... wait, never mind. I'm very sick, leave me alone. How are you? Welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. A few days ago we wend to see Guns N Roses in concert. Man, those guys play late. Axl Rose has much to teach our generation about successfully putting off a deadline. It was a good show, and Axl sang great, but I miss the days of seeing Axl go apeshit on concert goers. I wasn't sure if Axl was sincerely welcoming me to the jungle. During the concert I was thinking thought of there was ever a rock star who deserved to die in his prime, it was Axl Rose. Anyway, Logan enjoyed the show and that is all that counted. He had the best time of his life. Okay, let's talk about other stuff that is going on.
The "Pokémon Go" craze continues to sweep the nation and the world. The game has already inspired a dating site, so it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that a company called Geeky Sex Toys is now selling a line of Pokémon-themed dildos they're calling "Pokémoan." This leaves me to ask the question: Is nothing sacred? Pokémoan comes in four childhood-ruining varieties that are inspired by the three starter Pokémon available in the original Gameboy games, plus Pikachu.Geeky Sex Toys provides descriptions of each one on its website, with instructions to, "Please read in your best Pokésex voice." Here's a shot of the whole family...

Yup. Your childhood is ruined. You can go ahead and bleach your eyeballs now. I'll wait.
Some people think there's a mighty bad curse word in "Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games," a video game for the Nintendo Wii U system. Steve Jones, a dad in the U.K., told the "The Daily Mirror" that they started hearing their daughter use a word as colorful as the characters in the game, "At first my wife and I didn't pick up on it until we heard our eight-year-old daughter start saying it around the house." S0, what did his daughter say around the house? The dreaded c-word. "During the football section of the game, there is a specific character called Shadow that every time a shot is blocked, saved or even tackled he would shout the word cunt." So, is Shadow saying the worst word of them all? It's not likely that the character is dropping c-bombs, but not impossible either. Thousands have listened to the video, and many cunt really tell the difference. Haha. Sorry, I could't resist.
While Americans argue the best way to keep Mexicans from crossing into territory that is historically Mexico, the adorable country of Norway might straight-up gift a mountain to their neighbor, Finland. "There are a few formal difficulties and I have not yet made my final decision," said Norway's Prime Minister Erna Solberg. "But we are looking into it. "Yes. They'd just give it away. As simple as a birthday present. Actually, it is a birthday present. The mountain peak would be Norway's gift to Finland on the 100th anniversary of their independence from Russia. The idea to move the mountain started in 2015, when retired geophysicist Bjørn Geirr Harsson started a Facebook campaign. "My idea is that this should be a gift from the Norwegian people," he told "The Telegraph." "And I feel sure that the Finnish people would appreciate it." In addition to the message of friendship, it'd also literally grow the country by some 21-feet. By moving the border "barely 40 metres further up the mountainside," officials could move a peak on Halti from Norway to Finland and give the country its new highest point. Unfortunately, a pesky Norwegian constitution defines the country as physically indivisible. Still, some counter that Norway has occasionally changed borders to accommodate shifting riverbeds and the like.If it happens, the minor move would be like a teeny reverse-Brexit. It's as heartwarming as it is unimaginable for Americans.
You know you're creating worthwhile comedy when it pisses off corporate lawyers. Stephen Colbert (the comedian) welcomed Stephen Colbert (the character) to "The Late Show" last week to try and make sense of the Republican National Convention, much to the chagrin of both Colberts' old employers. Immediately after the segment aired, CBS got calls from Viacom, Comedy Central's parent company, insisting that "Stephen Colbert" isn't property of Stephen Colbert." CBS’s top lawyer was contacted by the top lawyer from another company to say that the character ‘Stephen Colbert’ is their intellectual property, which is surprising, because I never considered that guy much of an intellectual," Colbert (the real person as confirmed by the census) joked. "What can I do? The lawyers have spoken," Colbert (the one who isn't property of Viacom) said. "I cannot reasonably argue I own my face or name." Keeping crafty, Colbert (the real person who went to Northwestern, not the fake one who went to Dartmouth) introduced America to Stephen Colbert's (the Republican) identical twin cousin, Stephen Colbert.
I have to mention this... On Tuesday, Hillary Clinton became the Democratic Party's official Presidential Nominee. After a long and drawn out fight for the ticket between herself and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, Clinton affirmed her status as the Democratic favorite when she garnered enough delegate votes during the traditional roll call to clinch the nomination. Unhappy "Berners" consequently protested the DNC and HRC by staging a walkout.
So, did you see Obama hugging Hillary at the DNC? Well, that wasn't the first time those two hugged like that...

This a really great metaphor for the political climate if you want to go deep about it. That girl in the plunging black dress in front of them is totally the Bernie. Mindphuck! Are you kids playing "Pokémon Go"? Go Team Instinct! Some people are not only playing, but they are cashing in on the game as well. Like the folks behind this actual IRL PokéStop.

Some people also think Pokémon comes from Japan... but being British I am here to tell you it's from Britain. I have proof.

Hahahaha. I love that one! So, I think today the new Harry Potter came out... "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" I think it's called. There's another new Potter book that just came out that is not getting as much attention.

Hmmm... I don't get it. Kids, there's one thing you may not know about me and that is I don't like breaking rules. Unlike this person...

What do you expect from a Penguins fan? It's summer and one of the best things about the summer is the bikini. So, this summer I am showing you some bikini pics with something not so sxy in the background.

It's more traditional to hide behind the pole. Hey, kids, it's brunch time so here's a brunch tip. Always tip over 20% because you're probably 100% more annoying than you think you are. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Startling Similarities And Differences Between The Democratic National Convention and "Pokémon Go"
5. Had millions transfixed on cartoonish, two-dimensional creatures.
4. Fed on nostalgia for something that seemed fresh in the mind-'90s.
3. Had people across America genuinely excited.
2. Is likely to lead you to a corspe in the bushes.
And the number startling similarity or difference between the DNC and "Pokémon Go" is...
1. Surprisingly, Bernie Sanders has learned to enjoy it.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, Logan and I were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together when he was a kid. That show sure has changed since then.

Ernie teaches Bert how to flip the bird at a racist Indian fruit stall vendor down the street.

Miss Cleo 
August 12th, 1962 — July 26th, 2016
Bet she didn't see that coming.

This is crazy. Today's guest is a singer songwriter from England whose two albums "Fuck You! I'm Keith Top of the Pops" and "TOTP2" are available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile, the one and only... Keith Top Of The Pops.

Me: Hello, Keith, welcome to the Phile. I am a big fan, so it's really cool to have you here. How are you? And are you excited to be here? 

Keith: Hi, I'm good thanks. It's been a weird couple of days, but it's all settled down now and I've just had a lovely breakfast, so let's go. 

Me: I love, love, love your album "Fuck You! I'm Keith Top of the Pops." We'll talk about that in a minute. When and where did you change your last name to a TV show? If you were an American you would be Keith Solid Gold. Haha.

Keith: Thanks very much. The name came about ages ago. My friends band Art Brut were signed to an indie label called Angular who were putting out a compilation called "Rip Off Your Labels" and they had a song called "Top Of The Pops," which was just them shouting, "ART BRUT! TOP OF THE POPS!" over and over again. They decided it would be good to have all the bands on the record come in and shout their band names over the song too. I recorded it, and edited it all together. Which is where the name comes from. It was a great day, and loads of people on that record are still friends of mine now. 

Me: "Top of the Pops" was one of my favorite shows when I lived in England, and it's no longer on, is it? For the readers that don't know, tell them what the show was. 

Keith: "Top Of The Pops" was a music programme that used to be on Thursday nights on BBC1, then they moved it to Friday. It was the only place to see live bands on the telly that wasn't late at night and they always used to have a really good mix of stuff so even if you didn't like what was on at the minute, someone you did like would be coming up soon. We would all watch it on the Friday before going out to the park to drink cider. Then Andi Peters ruined it by changing the format to include pointless celebrity gossip and other nonsense and it cancelled. I still hold a grudge against him to this day. 

Me: Do you have any fond memories of the show and did you ever go and see it live? 

Keith: I never got to see it live, as it was in London and I wasn't. The best thing about it as I said earlier was the great mix of music. As an I remember them showing a Michael Bolton video, which was a bit rubbish, and then went straight into this...

Which is amazing.   

Me: Anyway, you are from London, right? Where abouts? I was born in Balham, Gateway to the South. 

Keith: I'm not from London originally. I'm from Cheshire in the north west of England. I moved to London when I was 19 I think and lived all over. I remember I first moved into a bedsit in Canning Town in East London. Not the trendy east London, the one that's miles out from anywhere, and my parents were driving me down with all my stuff. On the way there I spotted a pub on the main road and thought, "Great. That can be my local" about two hours later after I'd moved in and said goodbye to my parents I went back to that pub to find it had been cordoned off as someone had just been shot in there. So that was my welcome to London. I live in Camden now and it's great. 

Me: You have a very impressive backing band on the album, right? What is the name of the band and who is in it with you? 

Keith: The band is called Keith Top Of The Pops & His Minor U.K. Indie Celebrity All-Star Backing Band and is made up of me, Mike Drums, Fruitbat, Eddie Argos, Jasper Future, Ian Catskillkin, Sue Denim, Dee Plume, Sarah Nixey, John Moore, Luke Haines, Simon Indelicate, Julia indelicate, Arec G Litter, Micky Ciccone, Adie Nunn, James Rocks, Vessel Tim Ten Yen, Charley Stone, David Barnett, Johnny Fade, Dave Fade, Jackie McKeown, Sara, Dyan Valdes, Keith Murray, and Chris Cain.  Most of those people play guitar on it. 

Me: All these guys don't tour and play live with you, do they? 

Keith: As many as possible. There are more members of the live band than on the album because you can drop in an out whenever you like. It's a bit like the mafia, you never really leave. There's usually about 15 of us. The way it works is I send texts to everyone saying I've got a gig booked and then whoever can make it turns up. I've done gigs with 25 people in the band, and ones that have just been me and Mike the drummer. I've had people out of the audience to play instruments too. Touring is a bit harder, but between vans, cars, and trains, usually everyone can make it. Thank god for Travelodge family rooms. 

Me: I think it's cool you have members from Carter USM, one of my favorite bands from back in the day. Are they still together? 

Keith: One of mine too. They have a nice thing now of selling out the Brixton Academy every year for two days. And then going back to doing their own things. Which I think suits them pretty well. They're playing some festivals this year too. 

Me: You are in The English Travelling Wilbury's. Who else is in that band with you? One of the Willbury's was British, or were there two Brits? 

Keith: The English Travelling Wilburys is Eddie Argos, Luke Haines, John Moore, Vessel, and me. It was meant to have the amazing Frank Sidebottom in it too. We got asked to do a BBC Radio session, which is the only gig we ever did, and we had to write the songs the day before as we didn't have any. Frank sadly got the date wrong though so couldn't make it. It's up on the internet here... Two of the original Wilburys were British. Poor old Jeff Lynne, everyone always forgets about Jeff Lynne. 

Me: Good point. Okay, let's talk about your album's. That's a pretty in-your-face title for your first album, and you are even flipping the camera off ala Johnny Cash in that famous pic. Did you have any other names of the album before you came up with the "Fuck You!" title. 

Keith: I didn't. I came up with the name in the pub for a joke, and told everybody that was what I was calling it. Once I'd told everybody I couldn't change it even if I wanted to. I also think it's a great album name so never considered changing it. 

Me: Like I said, I love the album, and have to ask you about a few songs. The first is "Two Beatles Are Dead." Tell the readers what that song is about. You couldn't of called it "Two Beatles Are Alive"? 

Keith: It's about a band from Liverpool in the sixties who became pretty famous, then two of them died. I had a man at a gig storm off and get pretty angry at the song for not "respecting the Beatles" but I challenge anyone to find me a more factually accurate song about the Beatles out there, at least for the next few years. The name is because I actually wrote it for an album called "Two Of The Beatles Have Died," which was charity album for The British Lung Foundation which you can get here which had bands covering a song by a six year old girl about the Beatles, or writing a song based on that. So it's not really my title to change. 

Me: Are you a Beatles fan, Keith? 

Keith: I am. As I say in the song, if you take disc two of the "Red" album, and disc one of the "Blue" album, you've got pretty much the best Beatles album. Although I also spent a fortune buying the remasters. So yeah, I like them. 

Me: Another song I have to ask you about is "I Hate Your Band." Is that aimed at any band in particular? 

Keith: There's a big list of bands at the end of the song that it's aimed at and it could have gone on for much MUCH longer. It's probably easier and much quicker to name the bands it's not aimed at, but I think the main one, the band that epitomises everything that's been wrong with British music in the last ten years, is The Kooks. 

Me: If I named a few bands, tell me what you think of them in one sentence. U2? 

Keith: Less of a band, more of a corporation with some songs I don't mind.

Me: The Stones? 

Keith: Responsible for some of the best albums ever. 

Me: Bon Jovi? 

Keith: Should have retired from making new music a LONG time ago but have a surprisingly good "Greatest Hits" album. 

Me: Foghat? 

Keith: Wear your Foghat with pride. 

Me: Okay, enough of that. You're based in England, but do you ever come over to the States to play? You gotta come over and play in Orlando. Ever been? 

Keith: I've played a few gigs over there. In fact my first ever gig was at the Knitting Factory in New York when I only had three songs and had to play some covers. And I played the Mercury Lounge 7 years ago I think. I went to Orlando a long time ago to Disney World, it was great. 

Me: Keith, thanks so much for being in the Phile, and I hope you will come back real soon as I am a big fan. Do you have a website you wanna plug? All the best, sir. 

Keith: is the website where you can buy my album, and many other amazing albums, or listen to them for free. Anyone can upload stuff to it and share it about. I recommend The Indelicates, and Spoiler Alert! To you to.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. I am now gonna rest. Thanks to Keith for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Jennifer Mckee. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Brett Anderson From Ha Ha Tonka

Hey, kids, what's up. Welcome to a late Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? Are you excited about the Olympics? The Rio 2016 Olympics are almost here, and even though the athletes are highly discouraged from juicing, that doesn't mean the local drug dealers can't use the event to brand their wares. Fans planning on staying alert for even the lesser events can look forward to this cocaine!

Complete with the Olympic rings and "Rio 2016" logo (perfect for collectors and people who are unsure what year it is), this bag of drugs comes with a warning: "Use Away From Children." Thank you, responsible drug dealers! Sometimes when you get all yayed out, it can be hard to remember that illegal drugs are for adults only.
Hank and Helen Kawecki officially take the prize for having the worst grandson ever. They are being evicted from their home in Thousand Oaks, a community just outside Los Angeles, because their grandson sold it out from under them to cover his own debts. He's pretty much the definition of human garbage. What had happened was that Hank and Helen ran into some money trouble, and they asked their grandson how they would go about getting a loan. He said he would take care of it for them. They give him the deed to the house, and he proceeded to con the most adorable elderly couple ever out of thousands of dollars, and ultimately their home. Doug Emerson, their neighbor, first tipped Hank and Helen off about their monster grandson. He noticed realtors showing the house while the grandson took Hank and Helen out for a Sunday afternoon drive. He did some investigating and told Fox's "Good Day LA," "He [the grandson] took out a loan of $360,000 then he took out another loan for $65,000. Then, he went to another mortgage broker, packaged those and took out another loan for $47,400 and he didn’t make any payments on that. That started the foreclosure going." Now the couple is forced to come up with the money or vacate the house. Emerson started a GoFundMe page to help Hank and Helen out, but they haven't raised enough to stay in the home. A judge is reviewing their case to potentially extend their eviction. Charges have been brought against the grandson, who nobody has heard from since Hank and Helen received their eviction notice. Hank is holding out hope. He said, "I’m hoping something will happen that we can get it [the house] back. I don’t know how, but you never know. Maybe the man upstairs will help us out." Stop Hank, you're breaking our hearts. Unfortunately, this isn't unique to Hank and Helen. Financial fraud is the number one type of abuse against the elderly, and it's usually from someone they know personally, just like Hank and Helen's good-for-nothing grandson. Here's hoping he gets what's coming to him.
Get ready to retch because, according to new research, cockroach milk is going to be the superfood of the future. Did you even know cockroaches produce milk? Are you disgusted now that you do know? The Pacific beetle cockroach, the only species of cockroach that gives birth to live babies, makes a sort-of-milk-type-thing to feed its embryos before they are born. A group of scientists in India have discovered that cockroach milk is four times as nutritious as cow's milk, and they believe it could be an effective protein supplement. Sanchari Banerjee, the head of this useful (if nightmarish) study, told "Times of India," "The crystals are like a complete food... they have proteins, fats and sugars. If you look into the protein sequences, they have all the essential amino acids."Another scientist, Professor Ramaswamy, said of the bug secretions, "It's time-released food. If you need food that is calorifically high, that is time released and food that is complete, this is it." Rather than trying to milk the cockroaches directly (retch), scientists are trying to find a way to replicate the protein crystals in the lab. So you can put away your tiny bucket and tell the kids they can sleep in: no milking the cockroaches for them just yet.
We can not achieve equality in society until women can do the jobs men can do. Like robbing banks. Yes, people still do that, apparently. And more of those people are now women. In 2015, about 7.5 percent of all bank robberies in the U.S. were committed by women, the "Orlando Sentinel" reports. That's up from about 6 percent in 2005... a 25 percent rise, according to recent FBI statistics. Of course, there are still way more Clydes than Bonnies, but at least that's changing. Feminism! But before you toast the death of the patriarchy, experts say the reason more women are robbing banks is because the "nature of crime has changed." Essentially, it's gotten less violent and dangerous. “You don’t have to brandish a gun... you don’t have to even have a gun,” said Darrell Steffensmeier, liberal arts research professor of sociology and criminology at Penn State University. “You can just pass them the note. That’s huge.” Passing a note might not sound as gangster as brandishing a gun and taking hostages. But at least it's cleaner, safer, and achieves the same ultimate goal: gettin' that bling.
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Florida congresswoman and outgoing Democratic National Committee chair, was loudly booed on at a breakfast meeting of Florida's convention delegates on Monday. Wasserman Schultz, who represents parts of Miami and Palm Beach in Congress, was trying to address her home-state delegation at the Downtown Marriott in Philadelphia. Wasserman-Schultz announced on July 24th that she would step down after the Democratic National Convention this week in the wake of internal DNC emails released by Wikileaks showing what many saw as an anti-Sanders bias. This is not a great sign for the actual Democratic National Convention. Is the DNC going to be as unruly as last week's RNC? They'd have to try really hard, but this is a start. As Wasserman-Schultz tried to speak to the Florida delegates, the crowd booed and talked over her, some holding up signs that read "E-mails." Addressing the crowd like they were unruly schoolchildren ("All right now, everybody settle down") failed to mollify them. Pounding the gavel didn't work. Even bringing up the shooting that happened Sunday in Fort Myers, Florida didn't quiet the angry audience. Wasserman-Schultz continued to try to talk about gun control over the jeering crowd. She attributed the "little bit of interest" (mostly from the press) in her being there to Florida being "the most significant battleground state" in making sure Clinton gets elected. Debbie, come on, that's not why the press is there, and everyone knows it. uckle up, everybody, looks like we're in for a rowdy DNC.
By the way, there was something I noticed about the RNC...

I saw this and it reminded me of something. Then it hit me.

Hahaha. is there anything she didn't steal? So, McDonald's now has a new item on their menu...

I might have to they that. So, are you kids still playing "Pokémon Go"? I am. Go Team Instinct! Well, I think they are running out of character names... or reaching out to the Satanic lot...

And the CP is 666. Sheesh. Speaking of "Pokémon Go" some people are cashing in on the game. Like this restaurant employee who’s encouraging people to put down lures there.

So, it's summer and there's one thing I love about summer and that is the bikini. This summer I decided to show you sexy bikini pics with something not so scary in the background.

New photos have been added to the album: "OMG, Did Bin Laden's Body Just Wash Ashore?" If you happen to go to the beach this summer you might see a new sign here or there.

You wanna see me naked though... right? Haha. Just kidding. You know, there's one thing you may not know about me is that I hate breaking rules. Unlike this person...

That's Liam's towel! Do not touch! Ugh! Alright, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's some crazy stuff that happens in Florida that happens no where else. That's why I have a pheature called...

Two Florida EMS (emergency medical service) workers, Christopher Wimmer and Kayla Dubois, are being charged with felonies after engaging in a competition to see who could take the best selfies with unconscious patients in ambulances. Of course this happened in Florida. According to FOX61, the Facebook page of Okaloosa County Sheriff Larry Ashley's office reports that "many patients were intubated, sedated, or otherwise unconcsious at the time" of the photos. According to The Smoking Gun, Wimmer and Dubois snapped selfies with at least 41 patients, including one with "an elderly woman with her breast exposed." Super classy. A video reportedly recorded by Dubois shows a patient "flailing" while Dubois, a paramedic, smiles into the camera. The police searched Wimmer's phone and found texts between him and Dubois urging each other to "step up their game." Sure, people get burnt out and bored on the job, but this is bordering on psychopathic.

Hahahaha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, my son who is visiting me and I were talking how much we used to enjoy watching "Sesame Street" together but the show has changed since then. Check it out...

"Look, either toy give us some candy you fucking Jew or my friend here breaks your knees. We didn't dress up as a pair of sand niggers for nothing now!"

It's 7:25 pm, 94°F and Kelly made a guy who resented Michelle Obama’s history lesson delete his account. Hillary Clinton's famously called on Donald Trump to delete his account, but when Kelly schools a guy on Twitter, they actually go and do it. Clarkson scorched a dude over pointing out an important fact from Michelle Obama's speech so hard, he up and left the site. Part 1: celebration...

Part 2: suggestion.

Part 3: clarification.

Part 4: deletion.

The "American Idol" winner is friends with actual American idol Michelle Obama, having collaborated with her on the charity dance jam "This is For My Girls."

Democratic Party
The Democratic Party is a U.S. political party that promotes a strong central government, expansive social programs and frequently abandoning the aforementioned values.

This is so cool! Today's guest is the lead singer in one of my favorite bands... Ha Ha Tonka. Their latest album "Lessons" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Brett Anderson.

Me: Hello, Brett, welcome to the Peverett Phile. How are you?

Brett: Very well.

Me: You guys are from The Ozarks, is that right? One of he first interviews I did on the Phile years ago was with a guy from the Ozarks named Baub Eis from the Geoff Stein Project. I heard it's really beautiful there. Is it?

Brett: Brian, Lennon, and Luke are all from West Plains, Missouri in the Ozarks and I am originally from Kansas City, Missouri but have lived and quite often frequent all areas of the Ozarks. It is quite beautiful. Full of mountains, lakes and rivers. I recommend you visit.

Me: I will one day. Are you guys all from that area?

Brett: Everyone is originally from West Plains but me. My grandparents built a home at the Lake of the Ozarks in the 60s and every summer since I can remember my family and I have been there as often as we can.

Me: Who is in Ha Ha Tonka, and how did you all meet?

Brett: Brian Roberts, Lennon Bone, Lucas Long, and I, Brett Anderson. Brian, Luke, and Lennon grew up with each other in West Plains. I met Brian and Luke in college at Missouri State University in Springfield, Missouri.

Me: Okay, I have to ask you about the band name. It's very original, Brett, I am guessing it has a meaning, and not random. If I had to guess I would say it has something to do with Tonka trucks, or toys.

Brett: Ha Ha Tonka is actually the name of a state park at the Lake of the Ozarks. There is a huge castle there that burnt down 1942. It is a beautiful place.

Me: Ahhhh. I was way off. So, who came up with the name?

Brett: Basically we all came up with several names and by process of voting and elimination decided Ha Ha Tonka was the most original. It also was a name that came from where we came from. We liked that. We also liked that the name sounds like no other band name.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your music. I have all your albums, and just downloaded your latest release "Lessons" from iTunes. I really like the new album, Brett. Do you think the band has changed since the first album?

Brett: I wouldn't say changed, but I would definitely say progressed. The longer we've been doing this the more we've understood each other as individuals therefore making it easier to work with one another and learning to lean on each individuals strengths when needed. That goes a long way in song writing. It makes the songs unique to each person.

Me: I read you record in a barn. I hope someone cleaned it out first. Are you the first band to record in that barn?

Brett: We do. A 200 year old barn in New Paltz, New York. Not sure how clean you can get a barn, but it was clean enough for rock and roll. We were not the first band. There have been several. The studio name is Marcata Studios. Titus Andronicus, Felice Brothers, and The Walkmen are some others that have recorded there.

Me: Were their a bunch of animals running around?

Brett: Didn't see to many animals, but there were some spiders that could have passed for mice.

Me: I would not of been inside that place if I was in the band. Haha. Anyway, I really like the album, with the southern rock sound. What music did you guys grow up listening to?

Brett: We all grew up listening to different things. Bruce Springsteen, Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver, REM, Neil Young, Alabama to name a few, not to mention, Brian and Luke can sing just about any country song made from 1990 to early 2000s.

Me: You guys have played a few festivals, such as Lollapalooza. Do you prefer to play in smaller venues, or do you enjoy playing big outdoor festival shows?

Brett: They are both very different. I like them equally. The big festivals are fun to play because of the amount of people you are getting your music out to. The club shows can be very intense and rowdy. Crowd surfing, screaming, puking all within close range.

Me: Cool. I know you are busy and have to go and it is passed my bedtime anyway. Haha. Thanks so much for being on the Phile, Brett, you guys rock, and I am a big fan. Please come back on the Phile sometime. Do you have a website you wanna plug?

Brett: You betcha. We're also on Facebook, Twitter, Lastfm, and just about everything else.

Me: Thanks again, and continued success.

Brett: Thank you for your time and interest!

That about does it for this entry. Thanks to Brett for a pretty good interview. I wish it was longer though. Next time. The Phile will be back again on Sunday with Keith Top Of The Pops. Yep, that's his name. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Pheaturing Cosmo Jarvis

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? I wish I was as good at anything as Ted Cruz is at being unlikable. Someone erected a miniature wall around Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, referencing the Republican nominee's now famous proposition to build a border wall between the United States and Mexico. No word yet on if Mexico paid for it. The wall, which stands about 6", comes complete with tiny "keep out" signs and is topped with barbed wire. It has been sitting around the "plain star" that Trump earned for being a TV personality since early Tuesday afternoon. Supposedly the wall was created by well-known L.A. street artist Plastic Jesus. Although Plastic Jesus did not explicitly admit to creating the wall, he did upload a picture of a crowd of tourists admiring the wall on Instagram. He also is known for making a lot anti-Trump paraphernalia. Or maybe Trump made the wall himself. After all, it is on scale with his tiny hands.
Jon Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" has a new gig that is a bit different from being the star of a huge reality TV show. According to "US Weekly," a "passion for cooking" has landed the father of eight a job as a cook at a T.G.I. Friday's in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Gosselin, who says he primarily works as a DJ, disclosed that he works at the restaurant for about eight hours a week "just for fun", and insists he doesn't need the extra cash. "I don’t need the money… DJ-ing is still my real job." He also told "US Weekly" that DJing is "going amazing" and that he donates his checks from T.G.I. Friday's to charity. Oh by the way, a place where Gosselin often DJ's is T.G.I. Friday's.When asked if any of his eight children have ever come to visit him on the job, he responded, “I don’t want to mix that. I’m trying to make their lives as normal as possible.” I mean, eating at a T.G.I. Friday's is pretty much as normal as it gets. If you wanted to keep their lives as normal as possible, you probably shouldn't have turned their childhoods into a reality television show and publicly divorced their mother as cheating allegations surfaced in the tabloids, but okay.
Hillary Clinton pulled a Kim Kardashian (don't worry, it's not a naked selfie... yet) by posting a video on Snapchat that shows Chris Christie contradicting himself. The Augustus Gloop in charge of New Jersey gave a fiery speech at the RNC calling for Hillary to be jailed and leading a chant of "Lock her up!" Well, much like how Taylor Swift was privately chill with Kanye over "Famous," Christie physically embraced Hillary in a way that would make Kanye rap "I think Christie and Hillary still might have sex." Christie certainly does not interact with Hillary as if he believes her to be guilty of a litany of crimes, thinks her persona is "a sham," and thinks she's an Al Qaeda apologist. Sure, a hug is not as explosive as Taylor Swift approving the lyric. But of milking fury and going crazy with hyperbole at the RNC: is Christie guilty or not guilty? The Clinton campaign taking a page from Kim Kardashian's book: this is politics now.
All that "Pokémon Go" making you horny? There's an app for that. Introducing "PokéDates," an app that will set you up with a fellow Pokémon trainer who would love to meet up with you and stare at your respective phones in public. Project Fixup is already a dating site that assigns a specialist to take into account all your hopes, dreams, and important height requirements and sets you up on themed dates. Now they've added a new theme, "PokéDates." There's no back and forth messaging and no swiping; they just get your schedule and assign you a date and a PokeStop meeting place so you can save all that finger action for the PokéBalls.Usually these dates cost $20 a pop, but your first PokéDate is free. After that, you'll just have to hang out at PokéStops and try to crash someone else's date.
Every four years, the world's greatest athletes come together to compete in the Olympic games, and apparently, also have a lot of sex with each other. According to the "New York Post," 450,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube will be distributed to the athletes competing over the course of the 17-day long Olympic games in Rio. And 350,000 of the condoms will be given to male athletes while the remaining 100,000 will be given to women. This is the first time in the history of the Olympics that females will be given free condoms. Finally. Girls want to have sex, too. And while distributing condoms to athletes is nothing new, this year the quantity of condoms is a new record, and has nearly tripled since the 2012 London games, when 150,000 condoms were provided. The tradition began in Seoul in 1988, when 8,500 condoms were given to Olympians. So yes, nearly a half million condoms is definitely a bit excessive, especially because there are only 10,500 athletes competing, but apparently Olympians have quite the reputation for humping non-stop in their off time. Metro reported that U.S. target shooter Josh Lakatos said of his time at the games, “I’d never witnessed the debauchery seen at Sydney 2000 in my entire life. My apartment in the Olympic Village was like a brothel." U.S. women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo had a similar experience while competing in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, “There’s a lot of sex going on at the Olympics. I’ve seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings.” Ew. Well, as much is to be expected when you confine a bunch of hot, in-shape people to one small place. It is like an adult version of summer camp. Plus, with the looming threat of the Zika virus being a concern in Brazil, organizers definitely want to avoid a potential outbreak of any other kind, ifyaknowwhatimean. Between competing in the games and having enough condoms to have sex 2-3 times a day, how the hell do these people have time to do anything else? Well, despite the giving people enough condoms to have more sex in 17-days than most of us will have all year, we will see how many athletes chose to use them. If there are any genetically-gifted babies being born in nine months, we will know that some of those 450,000 condoms went to waste.
So, I mentioned "Pokémon Go"... and as I said the last few entries, some people are cashing in on the craze. For example... This indie clothing store manager who offers Pokéballs AND some cute threads.

A lot of people think Pokémon is a Japanese creation, but it's originally from Britain. I would know. Haha. You can also tell from the names of the characters.

Arse Badger. Hahaha. I amuse myself. So, are you fans of Eric Clapton? I am but I am surprised by his new look...

What is this? Clapton Kangaroo? So, it's summer and it's time to show a pic of a woman wearing a bikini... with something not so sexy in the background.

This guy's got a thing for sand boobs. Haha. So, I expected Trump to do something funny at the convention like ride a rhino to it... like Obama did. You remember that, right?

Hahaha. I crack myself up. San Diego Comic Con is happening right now and this is the new logo...

Agghhhhh!!!!! Well, it's Thursday and you know what that means...

The Black Dahlia... I am so sorry, kids. Moving on...

Garry Marshall 
November 13th, 1934 — July 19th, 2016
Sunday, Monday happy days! Tuesday... Oh. Shit.

if you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, my son and I were talking how he and I used to watch "Sesame Street" together. watching it now, it doesn't seem like the same show. That's why I have a pheature called...

They had brought heaps of cyanide laced cooked to the party, and all the children ate them. In a few hours, they wold be no youth left to plague the world with their "selfies" and "Ugg boots" and "pumpkin spiced latte." Ernie and Bert were both so happy that they decided to cheer their plan with two cookies left off a plate sitting at the reserve table. Oops.

There are few things in the world more uncomfortable than this air kiss Donald Trump gave to Mike Pence at the RNC yesterday.

Oh. My. God.Well after allegations that Trump was unsure about his VP pick, this kiss definitely proves that he is super fond of Pence. Right? Politics hasn't seen a kiss this awkward since…

Republican Party
The Republican Party is a U.S. political party that favors a conservative fiscal state, limited government, and a strong national defense against 21st century ideals.

Today's guest is an English singer-songwriter, actor and filmmaker whose album "Os the World Strange or Am I?" is available on iTunes and is great! Please welcome to the Phile... Cosmo Jarvis.

Me: Cosmo, hello, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Cosmo: Hi, thank you for asking. If by "you" you mean my state emotionally... or my state generally, then I would have to answer; I don't know. I feel that "how are you?" is an impossible question to answer honestly and objectively. It can only be answered subjectively and so, dishonestly... Unless you think that the truth as perceived and expressed by an individual can ever really be what the perfect definition of truth is. Hell knows. Either way I guess you'd like my opinion on the matter and so without furthering this pointless paragraph I’ll just say that next to Amy Winehouse, I'm just fine!

Me: Ummm... okay. That's a very interesting first name, Cosmo. You don't hear that name to often. What are your middle names if you don't mind me asking?

Cosmo: Cosmo is technically a middle name, although I have gone by it since birth, unless it’s my mother calling me Eshek Shoon which is Armenian for asshole dog. Full name is Harrison Cosmo Krikoryan Jarvis. The Harrison is from Mr. Ford.

Me: Cool. Where are you from, sir?

Cosmo: Born in U.S., raised in U.K. by U.S. TV.

Me: Ahhh. I thought you were from England. You do live in Devon now, right? Is that Devon, England? I went there on holiday when I was a teenager living in England. It's beautiful there. I remember there were sheep everywhere.

Cosmo: There is a vegetable salesmen whose name I will not say. He operates his business out of a small village in Devon. He has had sexual intercourse with sheep. It can be nice here but it can also be full of morons and small minded fools, but I guess so can anywhere.

Me: Okay, let's talk about you, Cosmo. You are a singer, songwriter, actor, director, composer, and producer just to name a few. What is our number one thing you like to do?

Cosmo: Plan the next thing to do. I just like all acting, film-making and music making the same.

Me: You're only 26, right? When I was 21 I was a lazy bastard working at Epcot. How did you do so many freakin' things at such a young age? What were you, like three, when you wrote your first song?

Cosmo: No, I was always into music when I was very young and started out by playing the piano. A lot. My dad got me into a bunch of diverse shit like Zappa and Rachmaninoff and Bonzo Dog Band and all kinds of shit, then when puberty hit and I was freak in school who hated school and we moved house I just locked myself away and started to learn how to make recordings digitally, and learned other instruments too. It seemed like it even if it didn't amount to anything it would still be worth more to me than being shat out of education and into some job I’d never get or hold if I did. Sometimes fallback plans fall on you, then you get stuck.

Me: What was your first song you have ever written, do you remember the title?

Cosmo: I was like 12 and It was called "Beautiful Lie," it sucked. Pretentious, bad poetry. I remember though that Beyonce and Shakira did a song called "Beautiful Liar" not too long ago. I was pissed off but my brother said I was being an asshole, I get that a lot.

Me: You are impressive, my friend. Even Brian Eno said nice things about you. How did that happen? Did you meet and work with Eno or is just a fan?

Cosmo: I don't know I've never met him, but I'd like too. I guess he just heard it and liked it. I'd love to work with him. But apparently it isn't worth too damn much if someone who contributed to some pretty radical creative ideas in music history rates the work of a hack musician, it’s gotta be someone in the game that bigs you up. Someone with good skin (not that Mr. Eno doesn’t), someone who goes to the club, someone who has a good single that sells and then makes damn sure the next single sounds the same to guarantee the market they established with the first single stays loyal. Someone trendy.

Me: You also wrote and directed some short films. How many did you make? Was Alley Way one of them? Who is Alley Way?

Cosmo: I have done over 20 I guess, shorts. Of course they are all of various qualities and content. They are mostly on my YouTube but I’ve been taking a lot of them down for a while because the deluxe version of my album "Is the World Strange Or Am I Strange?' comes with a free DVD with 18 of them which are the final cuts. See, I always rush to upload my stuff and often I leave to much in... Any way the final cuts are much better. The Alley Way was a film I made from the point of view of a senile old man who makes himself feel special in his old age by convincing himself that he is the only person who ever walks through a certain alley way. He conjures far fetched and bizarre explanations for the appearance and state of the alley way. It was selected as part of the midnight shorts category at SXSW festival in Texas 2010. That was cool, because of that film I got an IMDB profile, little things like that make you feel like you’re not just jerking off. I’ve got a feature film called The Naughty Room...

Me: I listened to your album "Is the World Strange Or Am I Strange?" and really like it. And to answer, the world is strange. This is your second album, right? I downloaded your other album from iTunes.

Cosmo: Yes, it’s much shorter than the first album though because I insisted on having a double album debut to ditch some back catalog. This was a bad decision. It confused the market apparently... too much information. The new one is of average length. I really don't know what people will think. 

Me: Your video for the song "Gay Pirates" got over 300,000 hits on Youtube. That's impressive. I was thinking that song was about Captain Jack Sparrow... LOL. What made you decide to write a song about gay pirates?

Cosmo: I wanted to try and write a story to seem like it was derived from something that happened a long time ago and to make it legitimate. Anything in history when referred to from the present gives it a validation. And everyone likes pirates. They are supposed to be these big manly mother fuckers at sea who can withstand anything, live on maggot infested cookies, and so I thought: what if one of them was gay? Also, the isolation that the two men have on the boat. You’re on the boat with people who hate you because of your sexuality. The only thing that’s keeping you alive, your will to live, is this other pirate who he loves. The whole thing was a futile battle. The only way they’ll ever be together is by walking the plank. Just wanted to write a proper love song about some gay guys without the fact they are gay being a novelty.

Me: Another song on the album is "Sure As Hell Not Jesus"... that's not a religious song as such, is it? What is that song about?

Cosmo: It’s about relying too much on a partner/friend and resenting the fact that you do because you know deep down you reliance on them only makes you weaker. The chorus, however, praises that relationship and its strength and the good that comes from it. I just sometimes wonder how some people can worship a god or whatever when real encounters and relationships (not sexual ones) with humans can offer so much more in terms of clarity, therapy, advice and all around help than a God ever could. Why don't people give each other a little credit once in a while?

Me: Cosmo, I am a huge fan, and really like your music, and the different styles you use. Who are your main influences and idols?

Cosmo: Tom Waits, Less Than Jake, Joni Mitchel, Grateful Dead, Zappa, Beatles, Soggy Bottom Boys, Clutch, S.O.A.D, Incubus, Santana (old), Stones, Eminem, K.J. Sawka, Mad Dog Mcrea, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Jerry Douglas, Arlo Guthrie, Alien Ant Farm, Kinks, Allman Brothers Band, Johnny Cash, Nico, Lou Reed... Everything man.

Me: And if you could write and record with anyone in the world who would you pick?

Cosmo: Kesha, for various reasons.

Me: Cosmo, go ahead and plug your website and I hope you can come back on the Phile soon. Thanks again, and take care.

Cosmo:, thanks!!!!!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Cosmo Jarvis for a great interview. The Phile will be back next Tuesday with Brett Anderson from Ha Ha Tonka. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker