Saturday, February 1, 2014

Pheaturing The Howe Twins

Rabbit.  Hello, and welcome back to the Phile. It's back, kids! Did you miss me? I had a nice staycation last weekend hanging out with my sister Lucy and her family. And now it's back to business.  we have a lot to catch up on so let's get into it.  A Seattle woman named Amanda Knox seems oddly reluctant to accept an all-expense-paid 28 year trip to Italy, despite the fact that her last trip there in 2007 was so eventful it made national papers. Maybe it's because she seems to have something called "double jeopardy" here in the states. For those confused by the Amanda Knox ruling, keep in mind that Italy functions under the very same constitution as "Game of Thrones'.  While on a radio show the other day, Jerry Seinfeld confirmed a "Seinfeld" reunion, featuring all the show's main characters. According to the comedian, the project will be "short-ish" and will drop "very, very soon." He did not however say during which quarter of the Super Bowl it will be seen or which product it will be hawking.  Pope Francis recently became the first of 266 popes to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. It's worth noting that Pope Honorius II, who headed the Catholic Church from 1124 to 1130, came very close to being chosen for the cover, but since the magazine was not founded until 837 years after his death, that idea was ultimately nixed.  A man in clown make-up and costume has been been scaring the shit out of Melbourne, Australia residents lately by following them around and threatening them with a gun. This seems slightly odd, but... Australia. So, who knows?  A Vancouver, Washington man recently had the unpleasant experience of being inside a wood chipper, attempting to clear a blockage apparently, when a co-worker turned the machine on. He then had the more unpleasant experience of maintaining consciousness for the entire ten seconds it took to pass through the machine's workings. He is currently dealing with the extremely unpleasant experience of surviving his multitudinous injuries. Do you know what the most common near death experience is? Life.  If you had "Almost Immediately" in your office When Is Justin Bieber Going Back To Jail pool, it's time to collect your winnings! Bieber turned himself in to Toronto police a few nights ago and was charged with assaulting a limo driver after a Maple Leafs hockey game in December.  Same sex marriage is now officially sanitized and boring. The Disney Channel premiered its first-ever set of gay parents on Sunday night's episode of the sitcom "Good Luck Charlie". The anti-marriage equality website, One Million Moms... which seems to be in complete denial about having lost this culture war stated that "Disney should stick to entertaining instead of pushing an agenda." It seems pretty clear that they are doing neither. Did you watch the Grammys Sunday? If you didn't, here is a run down... During the Grammy Award ceremony, French electropop band Daft Punk was handed awards for both record of the year and album of the year, Queen Latifah married several dozen gay and straight couples on stage, and Paul McCartney reunited with his former bandmate Ringo Starr to perform a song off his new album. Also, several other things happened. It was a long show. I don't know too much about Daft Punk but my son is into them. I wondered who they are and then saw a picture of them and now I know. Check it out.

That's just wrong! Isn't one of them dead? So, I just mentioned Justin Bieber and I have to talk about something.

Look at that cutie! He's like a middle schooler on picture day! This might be the best picture he's taken in months. He spends day after day trying to be street, looking more like an attempted badass in every photo. Then he finally goes to jail, gets dressed up in the orange jumpsuit and everything, and he flashes the photographer a smile that makes him look like every mama's dream child. You blew it, Justin! This was your shot to truly own your bad boy cred. You could have thrown on a scowl, lidded your eyes, maybe asked one of the female guards for an eyebrow pencil to draw on a mustache. But no, this pic looks like you could get shivved by the Brady Bunch. Now you finally get your first arrest (of many), and what do you give us? Quit playing with our hearts. Either be a trainwreck bad boy, or drop all the bullshit and be America's dreamboat. PS: Easy on the weed. It's doing a number on your skin. Protect the pores! There. I've been waiting to get that off my chest for a week now.  So, do you like video games? I know my son does and I bet Justin does. Anyway, there's a new "Grand Theft Auto" game that is only available in England... and I have an exclusive picture of it it.

Hey, I'm English... and can make fun of English people if I want.  Hey, let's see what kind of bullshit we can expect from Justin Bieber today.

Fantastic!  So, one thing I love about certain magazines is how they show a celebrities picture with and without makeup, so I thought it'll be fun to do that here on the Phile. Here we go...

Well, as you know the Superb Owl is tomorrow... I don't wanna say Super Bowl, I might get sued. Shit! I said it. Anyway, it's tomorrow and over the years there has been some controversial ads, so I thought it would be fun to show one right here on the Phile.

This much discussed Focus on the Family ad tells the story of a woman who contracted amoebic dysentery and, despite doctor's advice, chose not to terminate her pregnancy. The son she gave birth to grew up to be college football star Tim Tebow. Exciting, right? Okay, let's see who started pushing up daisies.

Maximilian Schell
Dec 8, 1930 - Feb 1, 2014
Maxed out.

Pete Seeger
May 3, 1919 - Jan 27, 2014
Where have all the folkies gone?

Claudio Abbado
June 26, 1933 - Jan 20, 2014
Never heard of him? How have you not heard of him? He won the Grand cross of the L├ęgion d'honneur, Bundesverdienstkreuz for chrissakes. Try reading the paper every once in a while. Sheesh.

Okay, if you spot the Mindphuck email me at Alright, before we continue I have to mention something. Long time readers of the Phile know I grew up in Port Jefferson, Long Island. Well, in Port Jeff they now have the Port Jeff Brewing Company. Here's a picture of it.

I don't know when I'll be back in Port Jeff so a few months ago I had a great idea... if I mentioned and plugged the Brewing Company here on the Phile they might send me some free beer or at least a t-shirt... XXL or a baseball cap, or a coaster. I mentioned the Port Jeff Brewing Company twice and have not heard back from them, and received nothing. But, I will not give up. So, if you're in Port Jeff go to Port Jeff Brewing Co. and try the Schooner Ale Dry-Hopped with Sorachi Ace and Starboard Oatmeal Stout primed with Maple Syrup.

There. That might do it. Alright, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff in a pheature we call...

Me: Jeff, welcome back.

Jeff: As always it's good to be back on the Phile talking about the Super Bowl this year.

Me: I have to ask you about this Richard Sherman deal... I'm so stupid, when I first read something about Sherman going off I thought it was the musician songwriter Sherman who wrote the songs for Mary Poppins and other Disney things. Haha. What do you think of what Sherman said and acted? 

Jeff: As far as the Richard Sherman interview, I honestly feel like it has been taking completely out of context. They want to call him a thug for that? If people did research on Sherman they would see what kind of person he is. Quite honestly, if you just made a huge play to get your team to the Super Bowl and then got disrespected, you would probably be passionate too. NFL Networks had Sherman mic'ed up for the game. After the play he ran over to Crabtree (the receiver) and said nice game and got hit in the face. You would probably react the same way.

Me: You're probably right. What other news happened in the last two weeks football wise?

Jeff: There isn't much news outside of the new Pro Bowl rules, which was highly amusing. Most of the talk has been about if Peyton Manning will play another season, or ride off into the sunset after the Super Bowl. He has an appointment at the doctor's office to check his surgical repaired neck. We will know more about it afterwards.

Me: Okay. Are you tired like I am about people commenting on both teams going to the Super Bowl are from states with legalized weed?

Jeff: I haven't really seen much about the teams being from states that have legalized weed. I do know that both fans will probably have the munchies though.

Me: Haha. Yeah, you're right! Okay, so, how did we do with the last playoff picks? I was wrong I know.

Jeff: Lori and I both won our games two weeks ago. You picked San Fran in that game, so yeah. Lori and I have decided we had such good luck with our picks in the Championship Games that we would keep them.

Me: Oh... okay. So you say...?

Jeff: She has Seattle by 2 and I say Denver by 4.

Me: I say Denver by 5. Where are you two gonna be watching the Super Bowl, Jeff?

Jeff: We will be watching the game from the comforts of our home, what about you?

Me: Same. Alone. Drinking beer, watching the game.

Jeff: Are you excited for the team of Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers doing the half time show?

Me: Yeah, kinda. I don't know much about Bruno, but it'll be cool seeing him playing with the Peppers. I wonder if Flea will wear a jacket. It's gonna be cold.

Jeff: I can't believe it's been 10 years since the Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake Nipple gate.

Me: That's been 10 years? Holy shit. Jeff, I'll talk to you and Lori next Saturday where we'll officially grant Lori the winner this year, talk about the Bowl, this years football highlights and more. Enjoy the game!

Jeff: We will see you next week to crown Lori champion!

It's 3:23 pm, 73°F and Kelly looks drunk and hot in a balloon hat.

And what the hell is she holding? Okay, so, with Justin Bieber's mess he's going through, I wondered what a certain phriend of the Phile has to say about him. He's a patriot and a renaissance man. You know what time it is.

About the recent arrest of Justin Beiber for punching his driver/bodyguard in the back of the head, those who know me well are already laughing... I only wish he had been sitting behind me. It would have had a completely different outcome. I would have foregone suing him, winding up on TMZ, having everybody know me breifly as being the guy who bitch slapped that spoiled little pop cherub. I'd then strap him to the hood like a deer and drive through Times Square with him bloodied and screaming like a 4 year old girl on a roller coaster. Any Fed snipers in town working The Super Bowl detail. Do me a favor and put one right behind my left ear. Quick... gets the job done... shuts me right off like a light switch.

The 27th artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery is Steven Thomas and this is one of his pieces...

Steven will be a guest on the Phile a week from today.

Fellas, you owe me big! Haha. Today's pheatured guests are two models from England who have been in Playboy, on Playboy Radio, videos with 50 Cent and Chris Brown and the BBC show "Snog, Marry, Avoid". Please welcome to the Phile Carla and Melissa... also known as The Howe Twins!

Me: Hello, ladies, welcome to the Phile. All I can say is wow! How are you?

Melissa: Hello there. Yes, we are good.

Carla: Thanks :)

Me: So, which one of you is older?

Melissa: Out of the two of us I am older.

Me: You're from England, right? What part?

Carla: Yes, we are from the U.K. just on the outskirts of London by High Wycombe.

Me: I was born in London, but grew up in New York and I have been in Florida for 26 years. Ever been to Orlando?

Melissa: We have been to Orlando years ago when we are younger. We stayed In Key West which was amazing.

Me: Where do you live now? California or still in England?

Carla: We Are currently living in Los Angeles, Hollywood but we also travel when needed for work projects :)

Me: How old were you two when you first came to America and what was the first thing State you went to?

Melissa: We first came to America when we were 18 and we went to New York as the first destination.

Me: So, did you both wanna be models growing up?

Melissa: Growing up we always were obsessed with modeling, acting and music. We would put on talent shows in the garden of our house and invite are friends over to watch us dance, sing and act. LOL.  

Me: I guess you two are very close, am I right?

Melissa: Yes, we are both very tight but we have the occasional fallout put it that way. LOL.

Me: Do you always work together?

Carla: We have stages where we do individual projects but the real heat... magic comes out when we work together.

Me: You have been in some videos, mostly rap videos for some reason which I'll ask about in a minute. You were in a 50 Cent video, and a Chris Brown video. First of, which guy treated you better?

Melissa: Well, it was very proffessional on both sets we would say it was equal they are both great artists to hae worked with.

Me: Did you have to audition for these videos and what did you do in them?

Carla: Yes, for are appearence in 50's video we were called into the G-Unit offices in New York where we met with a casting director...

Melissa: And for Chris Brown's we were reached out to by a friend.

Me: Like I said, you did some rap videos, girls. Is that your favorite type of music? If I could I would place you both in a countey video.

Carla: We love experimenting with the type of projects we work on, although we love the rap videos we have appeared in rock video for Hollywood Undead "Comin' in Hot" video which you can check out :)

Me: You also worked with Snoop Dog, right? I bet have a picture of you, Melissa, with Snoop...

Me: I bet he treated you both really good.

Melissa: Yes, we have a lot of love for Snoop. He's humble, and has a lot of time for people.

Me: I could tell. Haha. Melissa, you used to be in a girl group called Girl Passion, am I right? Who else was in that group with you?

Melissa: I was in a girl band at school... haha... yes, with four other girls. I was the lead and we all wrote songs, danced and performed together. It was a lot of fun at the time... LOL.

Me: Did you release any music?

Melissa: No, I did not release any music... hahah.  

Me: Do you both sing?

Carla: No, we do not sing.

Me: Okay, I have to talk about Playboy before you go. When did you both first meet the Hef, and what did you call him?

Melissa: We both met Hef a while ago. Not too sure the exact date but we refer to him as Hef.

Me: Well, I know you two have to go, so thank you so much for being on the Phile. Why don't you mention your websites real quick and please come back again soon.

Melissa: Thank you. Our website is  Twitter @TheHowetwins,  Facebook: The Howe Twins.

Me: Thanks, and please come back.

Man... I wish that interview was longer. Maybe they will come back soon. Anyway, thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz, Laird Jim and of course Melissa and Carla Howe. The Phile will be back tomorrow with the gorgeous singer Carla Pearce and on Monday with the equally gorgeous Jonathan Burks. Haha. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever!