Thursday, August 30, 2007

Slavery Gets Shit Done

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. Last Sunday I got my first tattoo which was my son Logan's signature. You could see pictures of me getting it done on the Phile's Myspace site. Much to my wife's and nieces chagrin, I didn't flinch or cry like a big fat baby. They were hoping for Youtube material. After getting my tat, I did something really manly: I went to play mini golf. I got some bad news today: For the fifth time in a row, I was not selected to compete in “Dancing With the Stars.” They told me I could be on “Fat March.” Hotel billionaire Leona Helmsley passed away earlier this month after, I think, a girl in red slippers dumped a pail of water on her head. She left $12 million to her dog. Today, Larry Birkhead claimed to be the father of that dog. Today's the last day of August. The summer just flew by like a Nicole Richie jail sentence. Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. There’s a new study that says people can retain an active sex life well into their 80s. Apparently old people get it on how they drive . . . go slow, run out of gas, can’t remember your name . . . Sex well into their 80s . . . Good news for Aston Kutcher. Another thing that has come out this week. Seniors spend more time in front of a computer than young people. Which I believe, actually, because it takes them so long to turn it on. Do you know how I turn on my computer? I lick it. Not such a great week for Atlanta. They’re considering banning baggy pants. The pants drag too low and expose too much. Apparently Atlanta politicians are worried about the crack problem. Not such a great week for Brazil. Vampire bat attacks on cattle have reached a record high. Cows are being attacked by vampires. I think we know where Bob Barker went for retirement. Not such a great week for Beyonce. Apparently a crowd at a Toronto concert got a look at Beyonce’s boobies. Beyonce jumped off some stairs just as a gust of wind blew her dress up. Or as I call it — perfect storm. There’s a new study that came out. It says breaking up isn’t hard to do. You should always consider where you get relationship advice from. Should you be getting relationship advice from scientists? Scientists are pasty, pear-shaped mouse torturers . . . what do they know about relationships? On last week's entry of the Phile, I forgot to add the "Today In History" pheature. The one pheature that I've been doing for over a year, I forgot to do. Guess
the hangover from the night before got to me. 


Somewhere over Massachusetts is a bird that apparently doesn't care for '80s pop. At a 2004 radio concert in Mansfield, Cyndi Lauper was doused with a blob of bird poop while reaching for the high note in her classic hit 'Money Changes Everything.' The fowl fecal critique landed directly in Lauper's open mouth, but the Brooklyn-born rocker simply wiped her tongue on her sleeve and kept on singing.


Hilly Kristal, the founder of legendary New York punk club CBGB: Godspeed, Hilly. Say hi to Joey, Dee Dee, & Johnny.
Richard Jewell: Talk about a guy getting a raw deal in life...


Q: Jason what is the maximum age for driving the Florida Turnpike south of St. Lucie? Is it true that above that age, they force you onto I-95? A: 200 give or take 3 years and no, they aren't forced onto I-95, they just kinda drift over there.


It's a good thing she is cute, she can always find work as a stripper.
Cut and paste: 


At the University of Göttingen, PhD candidate Albert Niemann isolates the alkaloid C17H21NO4 from leaves of the plant Erythroxylum coca. Niemann names his white, powdery discovery "cocaine" and observes firsthand its peculiarly strong anesthetic effect: "it benumbs the nerves of the tongue, depriving it of feeling and taste."
153 passengers are killed and 60 injured when a Belgrade - Dortmund express train jumps the tracks pulling into Zagreb terminal at full speed. It is Yugoslavia's worst rail disaster.


SLUG BITES MAN: A horrified camper woke up dripping in blood — as a vicious SLUG chewed his head. John Wilson thought a wasp had stung him and shrieked when he pulled the brown slimer off his brow. It had left puncture wounds as it gnawed his skin with 27,000 tiny teeth. John, 38, said yesterday: “It was like something from a horror story. Never in my worst nightmares did I dream I would find my forehead being eaten by a slug.” The lecturer, of Acton, West London, was on a fishing trip to Papercourt Lake near Esher, Surrey. Experts said it was probably a foreign slug with longer teeth. Jackie Smithson, who lectures for The Plant Society, said: “It maybe travelled here on some fruit and managed to make its way to the lake.”Our fun picture shows how it might have looked on John’s head. Britain is facing a slimewave of 15 billion slugs as numbers have doubled in the wet summer.


Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"


Apparently neither Christian Bale nor Brandon Routh are doing Warner Bros.' Justice League movie. Does that leave the studio desperate to find replacements? Not according to IESB, which always seems to have the best scoops before everyone else (to paraphrase The Joker: Where do they get these wonderful sources?). The movie site, which also broke the news that Stephen Sommers would direct G.I. Joe, claims Tom Welling is filling the cape of Superman in Justice League. This should be good news to a lot of "Smallville" fans -- as my comic-obsessed buddy says: "That's who they should have gotten in the first place [for Superman Returns]" -- but it hasn't been confirmed yet, so no celebrating just yet. Still, IESB seems more sure of this rumor than any the site has ever announced. They admit over there that they haven't gotten a reply from Welling's people and that the WB people have denied it, but they're still positive that it is true, because of the sources they've heard it from. got an official response from "Smallville" producer Al Gough, who said this casting "hasn't happened, won't happen, he is under contract to "Smallville" through Season 8." But IESB has recognized this debunking and still isn't backing down. The site insists Welling has the role and even points out that "Smallville" may even revolve production around the movie's shoot. As for Bale's replacement, IESB claims to also know who's playing Batman but doesn't have a good enough amount of sources to reveal it. Meanwhile, CHUD has a sarcastic response to the whole thing. The site has a joke post up claiming that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson (poor guy) have been cast in the movie, the former as Batman and the latter as Superman. The post also brings back the old floater that Jack Black would be Green Lantern. Of course, CHUD is obviously making fun of IESB and wonder if they could get a lot of hits by just making up casting rumors, such as Jamie Bamber as Superman and Gerard Butler as Aquaman. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if IESB's latest, including the tip that Justice League will only be partially motion capture (like every other fantasy movie these days), is true.


Sweeney Todd
On the one hand, stories say the horror musical's so gory that Tim Burton's been told to cut back on the blood. On the other hand, the film is now going to have a wide release at Christmastime and even has a new poster. I have the perfect promo item for them: holiday stockings withcut-off feet stuck in 'em.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I'm not saying that the gory, age-restricted trailer for the sequel is too violent, but after watching the warring ETs impale, disembowel and blow the heads off of the residents of a small town, I really started feeling bad for how piñatas must feel.
The Incredible Hulk
An enterprising University of Toronto student took some photos of Army trucks and a Hulk-smashed NYPD vehicle while the campus was doubling as New York City. Even smarter, the kid used the picture of the crushed car for his physics homework to figure out the force a giant green fist would need to cause the damage.
Night at the Museum 2
Ben Stiller's asked the screenwriters to make the sequel "funnier" and set it in a different museum. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't they send Stiller to one of those "science museum" places so he can have his hair stand up on end in the static electricity exhibit? That's always funny. Right?
Speed Racer
According to a blab-happy Susan Sarandon, the Wachowski brothers are using a new process where all the action onscreen is in focus like in a cartoon. Hey, as long as the story has more focus than The Matrix Revolutions and The Invasion, they can shoot it any damn way they want.
The Man of Steel
The latest plot rumor says Supes will square off against three villains: a brand-new supervillain from Krypton, a returning Lex Luthor and classic comic-book bad guy Brainiac. Yeah, like the triple-villain thing worked so well for Spider-Man 3.
Faces of Death
That remake of those '80s cult death videos is getting closer to production, and there's even a script all ready for it. The most shocking thing about this new version: that they bothered to write a script in the first place.
The Fast and the Furious 4
The Edmunds car-enthusiast website broke the story that the sequel will (a) take place in Rio; (b) team up prior series stars Paul Walker, Vin Diesel and Tyrese Gibson; and (c) put Diesel behind the wheel of a 1987 Buick GNX. Not sure what Walker and Gibson will be driving, but I'm hoping for a '73 Gremlin and a '69 Pinto.
The Happening
A Philadelphia news blog has leaked the plot to M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller, so if you don't want to hear the spoiler, don't read any further. But apparently, it's all about a virus that causes people to commit suicide. Didn't that guy already do that to his career by making Lady in the Water?
Banzai Shadowhands
"The Office" star Rainn Wilson says he's writing and will star in a film about an alcoholic ninja. If it has at least one scene of a drunk Wilson hitting himself in the groin with a pair of nunchucks, I'm so there on opening weekend.
The trailer for the biopic about post-punk bandleader Ian Curtis of Joy Division, who suffered from epilepsy, is appropriately dark and moody, and the soundtrack brings me right back to my old club-going days. Although, at the time I was told my dancing style was often mistaken for having a seizure.
The first publicity still from the upcoming vampire flick features hero Ethan Hawke holding his weapon of choice: a stake-shooting crossbow. Believe it or not, the film's actually a sequel to one of Hawke's earliest hits, but producers decided to not go with the original title: Undead Poets Society.

Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. This weekend I am planning on getting my next tat: my dad's autograph. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.

Friday, August 24, 2007

One Person Can Change The World But I'll Change It Back

Hello, Phans, welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Peverett Phile, I'm your host, Flat Duo Peverett. The blog is a date late as last night myself and one of my best freinds Jim went to see Dexter Romweber who used to be in the band The Flat Duo Jets. So, while we were there, we found this amazing touch screen juke box. We looked to see if they ahd any Foghat and they had 22 Foghat songs on it. The whole "Best Of" CD and "Live" CD. So, we picked four songs to play. This long haired pony-tailed man said when "Road Fever" was playing. "Who picked this song? It fucking sucks." And Jim said, "If you can find your father's song on this g-damned jukebox, you can play it as well." Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage. The 'New York Times' reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.' There's a new sex poll. ... According to researchers, there are 237 reasons why people have sex. ... For me, number two would be my credit card went through. A little farther down on the list, I happen to be in an elevator with Reese Witherspoon. ... Reason 237: something to do while my wife is running for president. One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton. Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware about that -- he's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family. You folks see the Democratic presidential debates over the weekend? Oh man, this debate, woah, it was very intense. The loser, the loser of the debate was taken out back and drown by Michael Vick. You like presidential birthdays? Oh! Who doesn't. Well, over the weekend former president Bill Clinton turned 61, 61! Happy birthday Bill. Bill enjoyed a romantic candlelight dinner and dancing, then he went home to Hillary. And speaking of Hillary, she'll be my first victim in a new pheature I'd like to call...


"We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
"God bless the America we are trying to create."
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."


Pete Townshend is legendary for his intense guitar playing. But in August 1989, Pete's ax fought back with a vengeance. During a stop in Tacoma, Wash., Pete impaled his right hand on its whammy bar while performing his famous windmill move. This wasn't the only time the Who guitarist has hurt his hand. Back in 1981, Townshend punched a wall backstage during a tour, breaking several bones. Ten years later, he shattered his wrist into a dozen fragments in a bike accident that threatened to end his career.


Leona Helmsley: Que munchkins: "Ding dong, etc..."
Eddie Griffin: Merv must be devastated...Oh. Sorry. Never mind.


PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.


A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks. The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.  “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”


I'm praying that those of us still watching this show witnessed the series finale of "On The Lot" and not a season finale. If this show ever gets a second season, I may be forced to boycott all future Burnett and Spielberg productions, and I really want to see the next "Survivor" and Jurassic Park IV. Well, maybe not so much Jurassic Park IV.
Anyhow, take all the things you disliked about this season and point the world's most powerful electron microscope at them. That's about what these last two episodes have been like. It's been painful in every nearly respect and I'm glad to finally be put out of my misery. In all honesty, I'm not even sure how to go about reviewing this episode. Fox probably could have condensed this show into a minute. I can probably condense this review into one word: crap. Do I care that Will liked Under the Gun, Jason liked Catch, and Adam liked Die Hardly Working? Frankly? No. I barely cared about the films the three finalists showed. That pretty much ensures I don't care about the films the non-finalists made six to twelve weeks ago. I also like how Adriana casually dropped the following tidbit around 40 minutes into the episode. "One, two, or possibly all of you probably have a fairly decent Internet following that used the world wide web to vote for you when one of your films was up. Unfortunately, Internet voting didn't work this weekend so you better pray they liked you enough to call on their phone or payed to text message a vote in for you. Sorry." Internet voting didn't work on the most important vote night of the season?! The one where Fox/Dreamworks gives 1 Million dollars to an amateur filmmaker, effectively altering the course of their life forever? Is anyone else appalled by this revelation? How did the directors not jump out of their chairs and dropkick Adriana across the stage? I would have been livid! Anyhow, long story short, Adriana kicked Adam off the lot and it came down to Jason and Will. Some faux tension was built with a commercial break, and Adriana came out and announced that Will Bigham was the winner of "On The Lot". There was some applause, Will got into a limousine, and was carted off to see "his new boss" on the Dreamworks studio. We finally hit paydirt. Spielberg, who I suspected earlier in the season was doing everything in his power to keep his mug off the screen as it pertained to this show, met Will Bigham with open arms and congratulated him for winning the competition. Spielberg mentioned that Will won out of 12,000 applicants to the show, and he also mentioned that he liked Yes Men, Lucky Penny, and Glass Eye. Spielberg appreciated Will's craft, liked his comic timing, and overall, thought he was a great film maker. Steven than said, "Welcome to our lot. Let's go in. Here's a key to your office." The part we didn't see is where Spielberg yanked the key back, called security, and had them forcefully escort Will off of Dreamwork's property. Spielberg could be heard yelling, "Check out my IMDB page sometime. I've got more talent in my beard than you have in your entire body. America got it wrong." Zach then pulled up in a second limousine, Spielberg handed him the key to the office, and nudged him toward a treasure chest filled with gold bullion. Okay, so nothing in the last three sentences really happened, but it'd have made for a much more interesting finale, wouldn't it have? In all seriousness, congratulations to Will Bigham. Of the bunch, he was definitely the most deserving.
Thanks for suffering through the show and reviews with me all season. It's been fun.


Well, we might be getting a big screen version of DC Comic's Justice League sooner than we thought. Robert Sanchez at IESB reports that sources at Warner Bros. confirm that "execs behind the Justice League of America want it to be in production as early as February/March 2008 to be ready for a summer of 2009 release." Last June, Erik reported that a completed script for the film had been turned in by Kiernan and Michele Mulroney. IESB's sources now say Warner was so happy with the result, the studio decided to set an early start date for the film. We've already heard talk that George Miller (Mad Max) will be signed to direct, but, the big question still remains: With new installments of Batman and Superman on the way, will WB be able to create a crossover with Christian Bale and Brandon Routh reprising their respective roles? Routh seemed more enthusiastic about the idea than Bale, but if WB is in a rush to get Justice League off the ground, the studio will have to start making some decisions. Casting Routh or Bale could cause serious delays with either a potential third Batman film or the next Superman film, The Man of Steel -- which are two pretty big franchises for WB to gamble with. On the other hand, Justice League could launch a franchise all its own. Plus, the film offers the chance for tie-ins with upcoming big screen versions of Wonder Woman and The Flash. So far nothing is official, so stay tuned for JLA updates as they come my way.


Powder Blue
For her next role, Jessica Biel will be shedding her clothes and appearing nude onscreen for the first time. The film is about … ah, who cares? They had me at "Jessica Biel nude."
Transformers 2
Furious that Paramount is refusing to support Blu-ray disc technology, Michael Bay says he's absolutely not directing the sequel. Unless of course, his paycheck suddenly "transforms," if you know what I mean.
Bill Maher wants his documentary that spoofs religion to be released next Easter weekend, a move that's so blasphemous it's bound to make Jesus roll in His grave. Well, if He were actually still in there …
Shine a Light
In the trailer for the Rolling Stones documentary, you can see the band arguing with Martin Scorsese on how to film their concert performance. Hey, Stones, the man puts your song "Gimme Shelter" in three of his Oscar-winning films and you still think he needs your advice?
Fourth Friday Movie
Thrilled with Rush Hour 3's recent B.O. success, Chris Tucker says he's all fired up to reunite with Ice Cube for his other main franchise role. Great, he's gone from starring as a guy addicted to weed to a guy addicted to starring in sequels.
Harold & Kumar 2
Speaking of stoners, the hapless pair from the White Castle movie are accused of being terrorists while on a trip to Amsterdam in the first trailer. Bong hit, bomb hit — yeah, they kind of sound similar.
Cassandra's Dream
In the trailer for Woody Allen's latest thriller (just ignore the French subtitles), Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell learn a lesson in "family loyalty." Yep, that's the perfect subject to be taught by the director who ended up marrying his stepdaughter.
Superbad director Greg Mottola already has his next film lined up, about some poor schlub forced to work at an amusement park during his summer vacation. If he needs some script ideas, I have an amusing one about the time I vomited on the Tilt-A-Whirl. Well, amusing for me, not so amusing for the kid sitting next to me.
Sounds like New Yorkers won't be terrorized by just one big monster in J.J. Abrams' mysterious film. They'll also be chased and eaten by smaller versions of the main behemoth. Um, J.J. did see the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla before he agreed to this, right?
I'm Not There
There's a trailer for the unusual biopic of Bob Dylan, starring a bunch of different actors as the folk hero, including Christian Bale, Richard Gere and Cate Blanchett. Of course, director Todd Haynes didn't cast anyone who could actually sing, because if he did, then the movie totally wouldn't be realistic.
Justice League of America
They say the superhero team-up flick is being rushed into production next year for a 2009 release and is mostly geared as a launching pad for eventual Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman solo flicks. I dunno, maybe they should change their group name from the Justice League to the Second Bananas?
The Strangers
Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are threatened and brutalized in their own home in this trailer. Although I'm not sure if their attackers are serial killers or just overzealous Jehovah's Witnesses.
And now, because my last entry was all in Cockney, and I didn't want to review this movie I saw before my trip to England, here's the review of Underdog
Starring James Belushi, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Warburton, Alex Neuberger; voices of Jason Lee, Amy Adams and Brad Garrett. A talking, flying, cape-wearing beagle fights crimes. He also thwarts a mad scientist who wants to do mad scientist-y things to the world. The verdict for adults: painless and under 90 minutes. The verdict for little kids: best talking, flying, cape-wearing, beagle-fighting-crime movie ever. Normally, when a big studio refuses to show a film to critics, that means you're dealing with something like Captivity or I Know Who Killed Me. They usually don't hold back on letting you see the harmlessly mediocre kids' movies. If it's guilty of any crime, then it's the one where no original thought went into it at all. And for the grown-up audience, that means you'll forget it the second it's over, you won't feel enraged by the way it insults you, and you won't want to claw your own eyes out. These are important distinctions to make when you're discussing lazily created movies for kids. Dinklage as mad scientist Simon Bar-Sinister and Warburton as his oafish assistant Cad are kind of in their own silly movie, and they seem to be having a really good time. I even laughed along with some of the stuff they do, like when Dinklage intones, "The flames of inspiration are licking at my brain!" and he makes it sound like he's doing Macbeth in the West End. They shouldn't have shown any of the original cartoon over the opening credits. That just makes little kids confused and think they're about to see a cartoon. It just makes adults peevish that they're not about to see the cool old cartoon they remember so fondly. Bad decision. If this does big business, and it just might, because the 10 a.m. Sunday screening was packed with mommies and kids … but anyway, if it does big business, then does that mean we can look forward to a live-action Super Chicken? I think about stuff like this.

Well, there you go, another entry. Check out the Phile's webshots page for some 
pictures from my trip to England. I will be posting more soon. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.

Special thanks to Jim, David and Conan.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

England's Latest Clown

Awright geeezzaa! Hello, Phile Phans, I am back from my trip ter England, an' I'm glad ter say da whole time I was there i' was 'ot an' sunny. And ov caaahrse, I'm takin' full credit. . Sorted mate. And as yew can tell, I picked up my old David Hockney accen' when I was there. I'd like ter vank my cousins Michele an' Pete fer puttin' me up, an' Nanny Rose fer not changin' one bit. Sorted mate. Lawd above! The weight ov Hurricane Flossie is bearin' down on Hawaii. This stawm is so 'uge what already FEMA is makin' preparashuns ter ignawer it. The toy company Mattel is recallin' Nervo million toys because they may be dangerous. Mummys boys are dangerous! Just look at da names: Mr. Grenado Blood Red . . . Hungry Hungry Hitler . . . Crack in da Darky Cox . . . Van Halen 'ave announced they are ge'in' back together. They'll start taaahrin' on September 27. On September 28, they'll realize what David Lee Rof is a pain in da ass, an' they'll break up again. . , innit. Anuvver presidential debate. The elecshun is still a year away an' we’ve 'ad 90 debates so far. We’ve whittled i' down ter 690 candidates. . , innit. Blimey! This debate was sponsawerd by a gay group. Sen. Hillary Clin'ern was criticized fer 'er husband’s "Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. In response, Hillary said, "Sorry . . . Aaahr entire marriage is based on me not askin' an' 'im not telling.” In a new in'erview, Angelina Jolie said what ter prove 'er commitmen' ter Brad Pitt, she’s decided ter give up sleepin' wiv women. When 'e 'eard dis, Brad Pitt said, "Dear God what 'ave I done?” A group ov investors announced they plan on openin' a 'otel in space. A weekend stay'll cost $4 million. It'll cost yew anuvver million ter eat a Snickers from da mini bar. . Nuff said, yeah? Here’s somethin' what 'appened dis week. Presiden' Bush’s approval ratin' wen' up. He wen' from wildly unpopular, ter just really unpopular. Soccer mania is sweepin' America. Wif da arrival ov Spice chicken pie David Beckham, people 'ave gone absolutely nuts. He got a $250 million deal ter play fer da L.A. Galaxy. Last night they played their faaahrf game of da season. Two 'undred an' bulls eye million is a hoppin' pot fer a spawt people wan' ter see . . . Never mind soccer. Which I think raised just below pin' pong on television. A couple in Arkansas 'ad their 17f child. Afterwards, da uvver 16 teapot lids frew their dad a "We get i' — you’re not gay” party. It’s a great week fer Barry Bonds. He finally broke da 'omerun record. He celebrated last night wiv an expensive bottle ov champagne which 'e injected in'er 'is ass. Not such a great week fer Donald Trump. His casinos are losin' money. How does a casino lose money? It goes against da laws ov physics. Then again, so does what thin' on 'is 'ead. There was a chicken pie in New York who got arrested fer smugglin' a ki' kat chunky onto a plane. I can’t get faaahr ounces ov shavin' creme onto a plane! How’s 'e get ki' kat chunky on there?

Awright geeezzaa! UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS. Sorted mate.

Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic was a wild geezer when 'e got on stage, but 'is antics surf an' dreft mawer of an impression van 'e in'ended at da 1993 VMA awards. Near da conclusion ov da group's perfawmance ov 'Lithium,' Krist frew 'is guitar in'er da air, only ter 'ave i' 'i' 'im squarely in da 'ead on its descent. He fell ter da ground and crawled offstage while da rest ov da band played on. . OK?

Lor' luv a duck! R.I.P. Know what I mean?

Lawd above! PHIL RIZZUTO, innit: He's gon'a Paradise by da dashboard light. Know what I mean?
Luv a duck! Merv Griffin. Know what I mean?: If 'e died Saturday, that's one year ter da day ov Mike Douglas' dearf. Know what I mean? For those who track such oddities, Johnny Carson died wivin days ov da one year anniversary ov Jack Paar's demise.

Awright geeezzaa! Today In History. Sorted mate.

Macbef is killed in da Battle ov Lumphanan in Aberdeenshire. He 'ad been kin' ov Scotland fer 17 years.
Will Rogers, da most famous geezer in America, dies near Barrow, Alaska when 'is sea plane plunges in'er a lagoon. At da time, he an' one-eyed aviator Wiley Beans on Toast were surveyin' possible flight parfs between Seattle an' da Soviet Union.
Woodstock begins on Max Yasgur's farm in upstate New York. Tickets are $18 fer free days ov coun'erculture musical acts, includin' Jimi Hendrix, The Who, an' Sha- Na-Na.
In'ernashunal terrorist Carlos da Jackal is jailed in France. The assassin was turned over by da Sudanese governmen' after 'e checked in'er a Khartoum 'ospital fer varicose vein surgery on one ov 'is testicle. . , innit.

Lor' luv a duck! Nashun Of Shopkeepers . Know what I mean?

Lawd above! A geezer 'as died a week after bein' attacked by two teenagers 'e confron'ed fer frowin' litter in'er a jam jar window. Evren Anil, 23, was in da fron' passenger seat when da pair frew rubbish fruff da open window as da jam jar waited at traffic lights. When challenged one ov da yowfs an' allk aaaht a knife an' Mr Anil was stabbed awer punched in da face, police said. Five people 'ave been arrested an' bailed over da attack in Central Jack an' Jill, Crystal Palace, sowf-east London. Mr Anil, ov Upper Norwood, suffered 'ead injuries in da attack at abaaaht midday on Ching August an' died in 'ospital on Monday. Garfers said a passer-by in'ervened when da yowfs produced a knife, but what person surf an' dreft da scene when freatened by da yowf. The passer-by then alerted da emergency services. Bof suspects, who were described as bein' black an' in their late teens, ran beef stroganoff in'er da nearby Central Jack an' Jill Estate. Det Ch Insp Cliff Lyons said: "This was an excessive use ov violence by two yowfs who apparently attacked Mr Anil because 'e dared ter challenge their behaviaaahr. "He never recovered from da injuries 'e sustained what day an' leaves behind a family 'ryin' ter come ter terms wiv their loss.". , innit.

Lor' luv a duck! CANNED LAUGHTER. Know what I mean?

Awright geeezzaa! Q: What did da male fly say ter da female fly sittin' on a pile ov cheek by jow shit? A: “Pardon me, but is dis stool taken?”

A geezer en'ers da 'ospital fer a circumcision. When 'e comes ter after da procedure, 'e’s perturbed ter see several doctors standin' around 'is bed. “Son, there’s been a bi' ov a mix-up,” admits da surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, an' we were forced ter perfawm a sex-change operashun. You now 'ave a vagina instead ov a penis.” “What!” gasps da patient. “You sean bean I’ll never experience anuvver erecshun?” “Oh, yew might,” da surgeon reassures 'im. “Just not yaaahrs.”

Three blondes died in an acciden' 'ryin' ter jump da Grand Canyon. They are at da pearly gates ov Heaven. St. Peter tells 'em that they can en'er da gates only if they can answer one mole & pimple religious quesshun. The quesshun posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?” The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s da 'oliday in November when we all get together, eat Pinky an' perky an' are vankful.” “Pete Tong!, yew ain't welcome 'ere, I’m afraid. You must go ter da uvver place!” replies St. Peter. Then 'e turns ter da second blonde, an' asks 'er da same quesshun, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is da holiday in December when we put up a apples an' rice tree, exchange presents, an' celebrate da birf ov Jesus.” St. Peter looks at da second blonde, bangs his 'ead on da pearly gates in disgust an' tells 'er she’s pete tong an''ll 'ave ter join 'er friend in da uvver place; she ain't welcome in Heaven. He then peers over 'is glasses at da third blonde an' asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?” The third blonde smiles confidently an' looks St. Peter in da eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is da Christian 'oliday what coincides wiv da Jewish celebrashun ov Passover. Jesus and 'is disciples were eatin' at da last supper an' Jesus was later deceived an' turned over ter da Romans by one ov 'is disciples. The Romans an' allk 'im ter be crucified an' 'e was stabbed in da side, made ter wear a crown ov thorns, an' was hung on a cross wiv nails fruff 'is 'ands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed beef stroganoff by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly wiv delight. Then da third blonde continues, “Every year da boulder is moved aside so what Jesus can come aaaht and, if 'e sees 'is shadow, there will be six mawer weeks ov win'er!”. OK?

Lawd above! NUTTED BY REALITY. , innit.

Initially, I was opposed ter da way they planned ter do this finale. It just seemed natural what da final free directors should have 'ad ter complete some monumun'al 5-10 minute piece ov work what truly exemplified their talents as a director. The prize is a million dollar deal wiv Dreamworks, after all, not a first place trophy at da local movie festival. Then, after thinkin' abaaaht i' fer a bit, i' actually made some sense fer 'em ter do i' this way. To make da directors create a new piece ov work, an' totally neglect their previous body of work would 'ave been unfair - particularly if they were 'avin' an beef stroganoff day. It'd 'ave been nice ter what these guys could do given somethin' mawer van a couple ov minutes, but I can see 'ow what could be construed as a little unfair ter da con'estants who didn't make i' ter da final free. That said, forcin' America ter watch da same movies fer da season finale 'as ter go down as one ov da lamest things on Buzz Bee in a long time. They could've done so barethings. Spielberg could 'ave busted aaaht on da stage wiv a snappy bi' ofa glance number. America could have voted ter see which skimpy outfi' Adrianna Costa would be forced ter wear. The remainin' free directors could 'ave been forced ter wrestle ter da dearf in baby oil as da final means ov winnin' da grand prize. Anythin' else would 'ave been be'er. We've invested a bee's knees 16 weeks in this seethin' sack ov suck, an' I don't feel like there's really been any pay beef stroganoff. Din' Dong Bell, I don't even really care who wins at this point, an' I sure as 'ell won't remember one ov the se directors' names should a miracle occur an' they actually get a movie created under da Dreamworks umbrella. Okay, I'm done ranting. So, each finalist ended up selectin' two movies from all da movies they 'ad done this summer. I've poin'ed 'em aaaht below along wiv some brief thoughts after viewin' 'em fer a second time. . Know what I mean?


The Wackness
The 63-year-old Ben Kingsley repawtedly 'as a 'ot makeaaaht scene wiv Mary- Kate Olsen in this comedy abaaaht a drug dealer who's in therapy. Mary-Kate was frilled ter kiss one ov 'er idols. She said da 'unger strike scenes in Sir Ben's Gandwotcherhave been a real influence on 'er eatin' 'abits., innit.
The Jonavan Ross'd Boys: The Tribe
Looks like Cawery Haim is gon'a make an appearance in da direct-to-DVD sequel after all. I guess producers saw 'is fake cryin' jag on a phony "reality" show, an' i' proved ter 'em that da dude actually can still act. Sorted mate.
Jurassic Light an' Dark IV
The latest rumor aaaht there is what da dinos'll be trained by da governmen' ter wield guns. Of caaahrse, when I first 'eard what a dinosaur was goin' terbe carryin' firearms, I naturally assumed i' was just anuvver news story abaaaht Stallone in John Rambo. OK?
Howard Stern 'as announced what 'is remake of da classic filthy teen comedy 'a s finally gotten da green light after two differen' scripts bein' developed at da same time were combined. Considerin' what this is Stern, I'msurprised 'e didn't combine yet anuvver script and make i' a freesome.
Millennium Films 'opes ter 'ave a new version in producshun by next spring. In it, Conan'll get elected ter da ancien' land ov Cimmeria an' "veto" new bills by pummelin' members ov da state senate ter smithereens.
Despite Stardust tankin' in theaters, creator Neil Gaiman already 'as 'is next project in da pipeline: a feature-film version ov 'is TV miniseries abaaaht magical 'omeless people livin' in subway tunnels. The only "magical" things I've ever seen in a subway were da rats da size ov poodles in NYC. Know what I mean?
Kevin McKidd ov HBO's "Rome" is said to be da main choice ter star as da blond- tressed superhero who can summon an' dispel thunderstawms at'll by Labooswingin' a mystic 'ammer. That must come in 'andy when 'e wants ter apple cawer a primo spot on a crowded beach.

Awright geeezzaa! Well, that's i' fer a special Wednesday version ov da Phile. The next en'ry'll be posted next Thursday, so, spread da word, not da turd. Sorted mate.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

A Peverett Phile Extra: D'oh!

Hey, I forgot to give the review of The Simpson's Movie in yesterday's blog entry. So, I lied, I said the next update will be when I come back from England, but here we are, Friday night, almost Saturday morning. So, here's a special entry. But first... The new host of "The View” is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting. Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. Apparently he found out there was still some money out there that he didn’t have his hands on. Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, "That’s ridiculous — everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.” Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage. This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, "Suckers!” and headed for Los Angeles. In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street, Joey Voldermort. The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he’s just repulsed by the Internet because it’s full of naked women, and the Peverett Phile. Look out Internet, your reign of terror is over! Kayne West is speaking out too. He says that black people should stop using the word "bling.” He says that only whites and out-of-touch older black people still say it. I don’t know if you know this, but I am white and I have to admit, I get confused about this sort of thing. I just found out it’s not cool to sat "OPP” anymore. 


Metallica frontman James Hetfield knows the dangers of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. During a 1992 concert, the singer misinterpreted a stage cue and wound up standing right in the middle of a pyrotechnic stage explosion. James suffered severe second- and third-degree burns to his left arm and was unable to play guitar for the last two-thirds of the tour. After his recovery, James tattooed his left arm with a picture of flames encasing four playing cards.


PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.


Michael "Mike" Reid (19 January 1940 – 29 July 2007) was a British comedian and character actor, who is best remembered for playing Frank Butcher in the soap opera "EastEnders". Mike Reid died in Marbella, Spain on 29 July 2007, aged 67 from a suspected heart attack. Two weeks before he died, he had received a full medical examination and had been given a clean bill of health. Irony. It's a killer.


The Simpson's Movie
Starring the voices of Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Pamela Hayden. Springfield finally succumbs to the environmental disaster it was always meant to experience. The town becomes encased in a giant quarantine bubble, and guess which donut-consuming character is to blame? The big question on everyone's mind shouldn't be, "Is it funny?" because of course it's funny. This show's been on TV for almost as long as "Gunsmoke", and they know what they're doing. If only 98 percent of all live-action comedies were as anarchic and razor-funny, you know? Anyway, the question should be, "Is it more than just four episodes strung together?" And the answer is a nice "yes." It goes to character, visual and thematic places that the show's never gone to before. Making it bigger really works. For example(s), you see more of Springfield than ever before, the Inconvenient Truthish-ness of the plot is more weighty, and without getting spoilery, the Simpson family members are taken down deeper — and in a few places, almost serious — paths of self-discovery than they've ever ventured into in a 22-minute episode. I know "self-discovery" sounds pretentious and inappropriate when applied to this show's characters, but that's kind of what happens. Don't freak out, though; it enhances them instead of making you wonder why it's happening. Unless this turns out to be like the South Park movie, and by that, I mean a self-contained moment that the show doesn't acknowledge or refer back to, the story here feels almost penultimate, as though it were a way to start wrapping up the TV series. I hope not. American pop culture needs "The Simpsons" to be a nightmare mirror of its worst tendencies. Another movie! Four hundred more episodes!

Okay, there you have it, Phans. Now, the next entry will be posted in two weeks after I come back from England. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

It's A Free Country. Hey, You Get What You Paid For

Hello, welcome to the Phile. I'm your host, Jet-Set Peverett. Monday I will be flying to London on British Airways. That's what I call it when I fart...british airways. There’s a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. Two-hundred-and-thirty-seven reasons! Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president. The new prime minister of England, Gordon Brown, secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day. The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups. A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America. The Xerox company announced that they have created a new kind of paper that kills fewer trees. A spokesman said, "Every ingredient in our new paper is completely synthetic except for the kittens.” Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on "Larry King Live.” Doctors say he looked old, pale, and sickly; and so did Cheney. Former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary is elected president, he’d be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, "I’ve already got the roving part down." According to a new report, many people from Cuba are now sneaking in through Mexico. Apparently the hard part is squeezing the raft through the tunnel. In Ireland, someone recently broke into a wax museum, and undressed the wax figures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The new exhibit is called "Gay Orgies of the Second World War." Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”


Musicians are accustomed to being pelted with roses and underwear during their performances, but on June 18, 2004, David Bowie was struck by an object of adoration that almost cost him his sight. About 20 minutes into a performance in Olso, Norway, the stick of a lollipop that had been thrown at the singer became wedged between his left eyeball and his eyelid. A panicked member of his entourage rushed onstage and helped him remove it and Bowie -- ever the pro -- continued the show. I would of cried like a big fat baby.


Man, if there's one word that pisses me off in obituaries, it's "legendary." Three deaths announced this week, and I've seen obits for all three people claiming that they were "legendary." You know what makes someone legendary? LEGENDS ABOUT THEM. Doubt as to whether or not they or their exploits were real or not. Robin Hood is legendary. King Arthur. Stretching it a little, George Washington could be legendary given that he has the cherry-tree story and all that. Davy Crockett can be labelled as legendary. Ingmar Bergman is NOT legendary - he was a highly influential and critically acclaimed film-maker. Tom Snyder was a good interviewer (EXTREMELY good, actually, if you compare him to Larry King or most of today's folks who are more interested in reading what's on their cards than having conversation) but there is no real doubt as to his existence or exploits. There is no rumour about him killing a bear at 3 years old. And Bill Walsh was a football coach - not a legendary coach, but a very real and successful coach. The only person I can associate with football who might be considered legendary is the Gipper. Why the hell are people calling all of these people legends? You know what gets me even more? When sportscasters refer to retired players as "former legends." What the hell is THAT? Cal Ripken was never legendary when he played; YOU COULD SEE HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING FIELD. There was no doubt about his stamina because his record was talked about EVERY GAME. If anything, he's going to BECOME a legend. I'm not sure how one could EVER be a FORMER legend. I'm pretty sure that's actually impossible, unless they found definitive existence that King Arthur actually existed. Ugh.


Drinking at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, Jack McCall notices Wild Bill Hickok playing poker at a corner table. Then he calmly walks over to the table and blows a wide hole in the back of Hickok's head with a .45 revolver. The professional gambler and onetime lawman was holding a pair of Aces and a pair of eights, now known as the "Dead Man's Hand."
President Warren G. Harding dies suddenly at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco. His wife Florence forbids an autopsy, and the President's body is embalmed shortly after death. It is speculated by many that the cause of death, initially reported as "a stroke of apoplexy," was in fact poison administered by the First Lady.
After Kuwait refuses to waive Iraq's war debts, 100,000 Iraqi soldiers stream across the border and seize control of Kuwait City. Their troops outnumbered 5-to-1, the Kuwaitis mount no resistance whatsoever. In so doing, Saddam Hussein precipitates the first Gulf War.


Derek Ladner, 59, from Redruth, Cornwall, bought a ticket after forgetting he already had one, meaning he had two wins for the same draw. He and his wife Dawn, 60, reaped the rewards on Wednesday after being presented with a cheque for £958,284.
It is the first time the same person has won twice in the same draw. The lucky numbers on both tickets for the draw on 11 July were 3, 9, 10, 12, 46 and 47. A Camelot spokesman said: "It must have been a huge and happy surprise." I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again." Two days after the draw was made, on Friday 13 July, delivery driver Mr Ladner claimed his £479,142 share of the £2.5m jackpot. It was not until a week later he remembered he had bought another ticket with the same numbers for the same draw. Mrs Ladner said it took her husband a little while to convince her they had hit a double jackpot. "I just couldn't believe it - I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again," she said. The couple plan to have a holiday to give themselves time to contemplate what they will do with the money.
Mr Ladner is planning to give up work so he can spend more time on his favourite hobby of playing bowls. He said they will continue to play the lottery - keeping the same numbers. "They say lightning never strikes twice but it did, so perhaps it'll strike three times," he added.


Thanks to Dish Network and Brighthouse being such pricks, I had to watch "On The Lot" and "Big Brother 8" on-line, which sucks. Direct TV were supposed to come ut today to install but it rained, so they did nothing. Anyway, here's what happened on Tuesday's "On The Lot". Throughout the season I've commented on how many of the director's films end up looking more like car commercials thanks to the heavy placement of Ford vehicles throughout their features. This week the problem was exacerbated because everyone had to make films using "automobiles" as a loose theme. I find it a little suspect that "automobiles" was considered the theme since in previous weeks we had genres like comedy, horror, action, and romantic comedy.
It almost feels like the sponsor forced this arrangement on the producers of the show. Maybe Ford is unhappy with the way the show has been performing in the ratings. Maybe this was planned all along. Either way, the result is the same. Fox has officially pimped "On The Lot" out to the auto industry. I hope they're proud. This week Andrew and Zach had the lowest vote totals and Andrew ended up getting kicked off the lot. Jason received the highest number of votes last week and as a prize got to work with Jerry O'Connell in his short. It seems really strange to implement something like this so late in the season, but whatever. I don't even ask questions anymore. I just blindly accept whatever they throw at me and roll with it. Next week's genre could be a combination of "Snuff Films" and "Straight to DVD Softcore." I wouldn't so much as flinch. Tonight's guest judge was Gary Ross director of Seabiscuit, Pleasantville, and Dave. We also gained the displeasure of having Garry Marshall's sister Penny replace him this week. I consider this a downgrade because Penny makes Garry's ramblings sound Shakespearean by comparison.


I guess you have two questions to ask yourself: 1) Do you want the same guy who brought us Happy Feet and Babe directing a Justice League of America film? or 2) Do you want the same guy who brought us the Mad Max trilogy directing a Justice League of America film? I guess it doesn't really matter since we're talking about the same guy here, and if folks like Latino Review are correct, you won't have any say in the decision either. Yup, their sources are saying that George Miller is the frontrunner to helm the Justice League film. It's an odd choice, I know, especially considering the fact that Miller has never worked on a comic-related film (to my knowledge), and that his last two films were animated kiddie flicks. Plus, the final installment in the Mad Max trilogy came out in 1985 (22 years ago for those keeping counting at home), so is this really the guy we want in charge of what could potentially be one of the coolest superhero flicks of all time? For the uneducated among us, The Justice League of America (or JLA) is a team comprised of all of our favorite DC superheroes, including Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman, etc... By all accounts, Warner Bros. is intent on making this a live action film, with talk that Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would possibly reprise their pre-existing roles as Batman and Superman for the flick. Last we heard, Kieran and Michele Mulroney were hired to write a script, and Warners was looking for a director. Is that director George Miller? We don't know for sure, but folks claim he's real close to signing on. When I first read the story, I immediately expected an announcement that the JLA movie would be animated, and not live action -- especially considering that Miller has been working in that realm for the past few years. Personally, and I've said this a number of times, the only way this film could truly work is if they did it in badass CGI -- kind of like the recent TMNT film. Get Bale and Routh to voice characters, and you're set. If the Batman and Superman franchises weren't already re-established, I'd say go for the live action. But the way it is now -- with audiences and fans already invested in the storylines playing out in those other films -- why mess with it? Just my two cents. What do you think?


A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: “Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!,” the distraught father cried. The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, “Never mind, we found another one!”

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?

A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, “I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?” “Give me the good,” the man says. “They are going to name a disease after you.”


If you're quick with the pause button, you can sit and stare at a naked Angelina Jolie in the film's new "international" trailer. Ooh-la-la! OK, it's just a CG-animated version, but that's better than no naked Angelina Jolie at all, right?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
I suppose most people think the revealing news out of this Comic-Con video panel is that Karen Allen is back as Marion Ravenwood. What's more shocking? That creepy facial hair Shia LaBeouf has been sporting.
The Incredible Hulk
It might come as news to screenwriter Zak Penn, but Edward Norton told the folks at Comic-Con that he wrote the script himself. Man, that dude must have a big head. A big green one, actually.
At his own Comic-Con panel, Zack Snyder revealed the movie's official poster and promised he was going to make the first R-rated superhero movie, where the heroes will stand for "Truth, Justice and the American Way to Bludgeon, Maim and Massacre."
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The video is the first look at the titular prince in action. Wait a minute? Princes actually do stuff? I thought they just dated heiresses and wore inappropriate costumes to parties.
Maxim Movies
The magazine is going produce a trio of films, which they hope will stimulate intellectual discourse about the challenges men face in an increasingly diversified world. Nah, just kidding. The only place the three movies — Virginity Rocks, Mardi Gras and Fired Up — will be stimulating is below guys' belts.
The Dark Knight
Disappointingly, the first official teaser trailer doesn't show any footage and only contains snippets of dialogue by Christian Bale, Michael Cain and Heath Ledger. I could do a better job piecing the film together with news footage from Fox's Chicago affiliate.
Repo! The Genetic Opera
Paris Hilton is not only going to star in this horror musical, but she's going to sing in it, too. I guess that's one way to guarantee that audiences will be fleeing the theater in terror …
30 Days of Night
Note to the little girl vampire who tries to sink her teeth into Josh Hartnett in the exclusive clip after this very bloody age-restricted trailer: If Mommy won't let you watch your own scene, you can use my birthday (11-23-68) to sign in.
Resident Evil: Extinction
In another grotesque "red-band" trailer, not only does Milla Jovovich have to blow out the brains of the undead, she has to avoid being pecked to death by a flock of zombie crows. If they make another one of these, I think Milla should fight a zombie Flock of Seagulls. Hey, they already have the theme song: "I Ran."
Drillbit Taylor
In the trailer, Owen Wilson stars as a bodyguard who protects three teenage nerds from a bully. I didn't need anybody protecting me from being picked on in high school. I was so encrusted with zits, the bullies were too afraid to even get their fists near my face.

Ta-da, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Next week there won't be an update as I'll be in England, and I doubt I will be able to update from my cousins' house. Then the Thursday after I get back, in two weeks the Phile will be updated again. Remember, I want to hit 3000 views by Christmas Day. We can do it, folks. Spread the word, not the turd.