Thursday, November 29, 2018

Pheaturing William Shatner

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? You're working too hard. It's time to take a well-deserved break and check out this hilarious blog. Time flies when you're laughing. You'll be clocking out before you know it. Man, oh man. Michael Cohen just implicated the whole damn Trump family in the Russia scandal. It’s party time. Michael Cohen, the real life incarnation of Barry Zuckercorn from "Arrested Development," plead guilty to telling EVEN MORE lies on behalf of President Donald Trump... the shady character known in the guilty plea as Individual 1. After previously implicating the president in a conspiracy to shirk campaign finance laws to pay off a Playmate and a porn star, the latest lies Cohen plead guilty to are about Trump's true loves: real estate and Putin. The guilty plea explains that Cohen lied to Congressional committees about the Trump Organization's efforts during the presidential campaign to build a Trump Tower in Moscow. That's right: Individual 1 LIED. "Cohen falsely said efforts to build a Trump-branded tower in Moscow ended in January 2016, when in fact discussions continued through that year, the filing said. Among the people Cohen briefed on the status of the project was Trump himself, on more than three occasions, according to the document," The Washington Post recaps. Discussions weren't with any old Russians... they were with the damn Kremlin. Not only did Cohen brief Individual 1 on his discussions with Kremlin officials, they even discussed taking a trip. The news that Trump was angling to make a deal with Russians while running for president (and the Russians just so happened to be assisting his campaign) is at once shocking and boring. Hillary Clinton ('member her?) raised this possibility of Trump working on a real estate deal at the second presidential debate, and is probably feeling smug that she was right. Individual 1 is acting very calm, cool, and collected about this guilty plea, downplaying his relationship with Cohen and going full Cartman. Oh, and as journalists are noting, if Cohen is guilty of lying to Congress, that means Don Jr. is too. Oh, and this guilty plea also confirms that the Russian President has had blackmail material over the President of the United States this whole time... and not just the pee tape. Sing, Michael Cohen, SING!!! This news is setting off the Collusion-Meter. Consider a shoe dropped.
A mom from El Paso, Texas is accusing a Southwest Airlines Gate Agent of "name-shaming" her daughter at John Wayne Airport in Orange County. Traci Redford is the mother of 5-year-old Ab-city, which is spelt A.B.C.D.E,  and hilarious to some people. She notes that Abcde has epilepsy, so they often board first. "The gate agent started laughing, pointing at me and my daughter, talking to other employees. So I turned around and said, 'Hey if I can hear you, my daughter can hear you, so I'd appreciate if you'd just stop,'" Redford told ABC 7. Redford adds, "While I was sitting there, she took a picture of my boarding pass and chose to post it on social media, mocking my daughter. It was actually brought to my attention by somebody who had seen it on Facebook and reported it to Southwest Airlines." The airline didn't do anything for two weeks, but ultimately disciplined the mocker and apologized. Southwest said in a statement that they reprimanded the agent. They also said that they do not condone such mockery. When it comes to the name Abcde, I hereby plead the Fifth.
Normally, television and news stations like to compile their best clips into an engaging sequence that will draw new viewers in and remind faithful viewers why they keep coming back. But this year's Fox Nation recap video is so cringe inducingly bad I had to check multiple times to make sure it wasn't satire. It truly has it all, there's a "Jeopardy" style moment where a contestant giggles over the word "Black" in Black Panther, there's a clip from cooking with Steve Doocey where he loudly jokes about drinking a full bottle of whiskey on the air, there's a moment where a woman literally scoffs at a man promoting his sport's book, and of course, there are several equally bizarre and awful clips of Tomi Lahren aka Toomey Layren. In case you didn't see or make it through the full clip out of self-love or some other remarkably healthy emotion, there is a clip of Tommy Looren eating an ice cream cone and thanking her viewers, there is a completely decontextualized clip of her practicing soccer tricks, and we have a very classic Barbie Hitler moment where she claims legal asylum seekers don't think tortillas are good enough. Here's a screen shot of her playing practicing soccer...

I wasn't the only one who had to pinch myself to believe this recap was real, there is a whole Twitter thread full of people cry-laughing about how accurately this sums 2018 up. I'm truly and sincerely sorry I did this to you, it will take a full therapy session just to get the images of Tomee playing with a soccer ball in front of her pristine suburban home. Sometimes, real life is just too much to stomach. Sorry.
Ivanka Trump works for an administration that tear-gasses children. She would very much not like to be seen as a person who tear-gasses children, even though her participation in an administration that tear-gasses children is complicity in the tear-gassing of children. Speaking of children, Ivanka sat down with "Good Morning America"'s Deborah Roberts for a rare interview at an Idaho elementary school she was visiting with Apple CEO Tim Cook to talk about something tech-y rather than tear-gas. The White House advisor was asked about the White House's immigration policies, and in a voice slightly above a whisper, Ivanka tried her damnedest to perform what is known as "human empathy." At the mention of tear-gas, she victim-blamed the mothers and children for being at a location at which they would be tear-gassed, and tried to defend her father's violent stance before she was inconveniently confronted with the truth. After insisting that the pictures are "devastating," Roberts asked her to comment on Donald Trump's directive to use lethal force "if necessary." "I don't believe that's what he said," she said. But "Good Morning America" had receipts. Roberts played a clip of saying exactly, to which a panicked, short-circuiting IvankBot said "he's the Commander-in-Chief... he's not talking about innocents." Constituents were not impressed with her response. Being a part of an administration that tear-gasses children has sent Ivanka on a fulfilling journey of personal growth. She also insisted that she should not be locked up. Ivanka also insisted that Daddy isn't empowering hate groups, even though hate groups say that he is empowering hate groups.
What was thought to be a big cow stole hearts and minds as its gigantic size saved him from the slaughterhouse and inspired everyone who has ever felt different. This is a big, NAY, a HUGE cow, a majestic mooer so tall, he reaches the Heavens. If you haven't seen it, here it is...

Now The Washington Post is reporting that the Knickers the Big Cow is not a cow, because nothing is sacred and fun on the Internet is meant to be ruined. Aniek Bouwman, an expert in animal breeding and genomics at Wageningen University in the Netherlands, told the Post that "Knickers is not a cow but a steer, because males are typically quite a bit larger than females." The Mainstream Media isn't disputing that Knickers is large, just that Knickers is a large cow. "At the shoulder, Knickers stands a mighty 6’4”, which means he’s two inches taller than Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he weighs roughly 2,800 pounds, which is the approximate equivalent of 14-and-a-half Danny DeVitos," they note. The Post also notes that Knickers looks huge because he's surrounded by shorties. "In other words, Knickers is a large specimen, but he looks larger because he’s standing among a herd of Danny DeVitos, not a herd of Arnold Schwarzeneggers," they write. Now I have beef. Hey, WaPo,
do you enjoy destroying all of our joy? Are you going to publish a piece debunking Santa Claus next?
Perhaps the real Big Cow is the friends we've made along the way?
So, sometimes times people get their asses saved by a total stranger. Not all humans are the worst. Like these neighbors kindling the love connection between their pets...

Speaking of dogs, I love dogs but they can be such jerks sometimes.

If he could talk he'd say, "Hmm? Your scarf? I haven't seen it." Haha. If I had a TARDIS I would go back in time to New York City in the 1940s. Knowing my luck though I'd be there right when Evelyn Mchale leapt to her death from the Empire State Building.

Do you ever read the Hardy Boys books when you were a kid? I used to read a lot of them but there's one that I don't think I remember reading...

Do you remember that one? Haha. Photoshop is used so often nowadays but sometimes you might see a photo you'd think is photoshopped but isn't...

This is called a fire tornado, when wind and fire combines. Be afraid. So, if you're thinking on your loved one you might think twice after seeing this...

They forgot the other "s" in "asshole." Hahaha. You know what makes me laugh? Old people wearing inappropriate t-shirts...

Hahahahahahahaha. So, Marvel is saying that the title for the next Avengers movie is from a line from a previous MCU movie. I think I know what it is...

What do you think? Alright, it's Thursday... you know what that means...

What the double fuck? Man, that must hurt. Let's move on. It's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile. How are you doing?

Jeff: Hey, Jason, it's always good to be back on the Phile! Especially talking some phootball. I'm doing alright, how about yourself?

Me: I'm good. Just tired. So, William Shatner is on the Phile today, Jeff. Are you a fan of him and "Star Trek"?

Jeff: While I've never been a fan of "Star Trek," Shatner has earned his place as a legend. Sure he's guilty of a a little overacting. But really who isn't?

Me: True. So, did you see the brawl that broke out between the Jags and the Bills? Multiple players were ejected for throwing punches. I think Jalen Ramsey’s trash talk was the cause of it. What do you think?

Jeff: Yeah, I saw that fight. I wouldn't be surprised if it was Ramsey who started it. For a guy on a really crappy team, he certainly likes to run his mouth. Before the season started he went off on most quarterbacks in the league and said most of them are overrated, he said his quarterback was the best in the league. In other news, this week Blake Bortles got benched for the second time this season. 

Me: What NFL news do you have?

Jeff: Andy Dalton got injured this week and was placed on the IR. The Bengals then traded with the 49ers to get Tom Savage to be the back up QB in Cincinnati. Speaking of QBs in the AFC North the Browns beat the Bengals this week. Browns QB Baker Mayfield ran up and gave the game ball to his former head coach Hue Jackson, who is know on the Bengals coaching staff. A war of words has ensued since then where Mayfield is angry at Jackson for coaching a team that plays his team twice a season. In other news, Leonard Fournette has been suspended one game for his actions in the fight that we mentioned already.

Me: So, Britain took over another team...

Jeff: That's a good one. Not too far off from the original!

Me: Yeah, but the Rams also moved from St. Louis. Haha. Okay, the Giants lost to the Eagles... ugh. How did we do? Am I still behind?

Jeff: The Giants weren't the only team to lose! The Steelers lost too. However I went 2-0 in my picks and you went 1-1. So my lead has now gained. The score is 31-27 in favor of me!

Me: Shit! Alright, let's do this week's picks... I say Panthers by 6 and Miami by 3. What do you say? 

Jeff: My picks are Saints by 4 and Rams by 9.

Me: Alright, I will see you back here next Thursday.

Jeff: See you next week!

If you spot the Mindphiuck let me know. I was just told that someone wants to come on the Phile and say something. I'm really not sure how this will turn out but please welcome to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Sister, welcome to the Phile. What can I do for you?

Sister Xtian: I have to tell your readers something.

Me: Ummm... okay.

Sister Xtian: When you write "f*ck" instead of "fuck," God still knows what you're saying. And he thinks you are a pussy.

Me: Uhhhh. okay then. Sister Xtian, the nun who doesn't give a damn, kids.

You don't have to be British to laugh at this meme, but it will bloody well help.

Haha. That's great. Now in honor of today's guest here are some "Star Trek"...

Phact 1. When Stephen Hawking guest starred on the "Star Trek: The Next Generation," he paused in front of the warp core set piece and remarked, “I’m working on that."

Phact 2. Tim Russ, who played Tuvok on "Star Trek: Voyager" also played the Spaceballs trooper that said, “We ain’t found shit!”

Phact 3. Nichelle Nichols (Lt. Uhura) resigned from "Star Trek" after the first season, but reconsidered after a conversation with a big "Star Trek" fan. The fan was Martin Luther King, Jr.

Phact 4. George Takei once called for peace between Star Wars and "Star Trek" fans to unite against Twilight fans.

Phact 5. The first scripted interracial kiss on U.S. television was on "Star Trek." It was meant to be filmed with and without the kiss. Shatner and Nichols deliberately flubbed every take of the shot without the kiss, so that they could not be used.

Okay, here we go... Today's guest is a Canadian actor, author, producer, director and singer. In his seven decades of television, Shatner became a cultural icon for his portrayal of James T. Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise, in the "Star Trek" franchise. His latest book, "Live Long and ... : What I Might Have Learned Along the Way," is the 90th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. I am so excited about this... please welcome to the Phile the one and only... William Shatner!

Me: Holy shit, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir? I can't believe you are on the Phile.

William: Thanks, Jason. I will say "holy shit" too, can't believe I am on here as well.

Me: So, you're from Canada, right? What part?

William: I was born in Montreal. I was in Montreal until I graduated from McGill. I was there from birth until 21-years-old of age. Hardly going to anywhere else except to places like Mount Tremblant to ski. When I was a kid youngster summers in the lake area is drive up there when I visit Montreal and see this forest barren land with this wild lakes that had very few homes on them if any. I don't know what they must be like now now with the dirt roads with logs underneath the dirt so they don't be bumpy. A part of that journey would be bumping, wrecking the car. I remember my father saying in true Canadian language, "It's not doing any good."

Me: So what do you think it's like that there now if you had to guess?

William: I bet it's all modern with coffee shops, cupcake shops and cabins on every square inch.

Me: So, what's this you were an understudy once for Christopher Plummer? Am I right?

William: Yeah, I think it was my first year. I understudied Chris in "Henry the Fifth." Shortly after we opened I went on for one night. Chris tells the story my standing when he sat and my sitting when he stood, but what he doesn't even yet realize I knew nothing. I had no idea of where to go and what to do. I had rehearsed the words in my bathroom, so I knew the words I thought. Until I didn't know the words. I did go on as an understudy without any rehearsal and did very well.

Me: Were you hoping the whole time that Chris would get the flu?

William: Ha ha ha ha. You know the idea of being the understudy and going on and scoring is such a fairy story tale in the theater. Understudies never go on no actor is going to let the understudy go on, they'd have to die before they let the understudy go on! It never happens and it never happens after that.

Me: So, you were in a movie called Incubus and the whole film was done in Esperanto. What the hell? What is that and did you know what you were saying?

William: Not only do I not have any idea what I was saying but the movie was then asked to go to the festival in Italy, so the subtitles were in Italian. Then the company was asked to come and see a viewing of the movie they put together. I watched a movie in which I was starring in, which I spoke Esperanto, which I learned phonetically, with Italian subtitles which I didn't know, and I had no idea what the movie was about or what I was doing. Off we went to the big Venice Festival.

Me: You never found out what you were saying?

William: No, I never wanted to know. It's reminiscent of an animated feature that I did with some Hollywood people and I was invited to the Venice Film Festival and so were we all, and now the whole cast is marching up to some really big names in Hollywood that would be recognized. We're walking up the red carpet to see the movie and to my right there was a group of people walking up the festival steps at the same time. I turned to somebody and I said, "Who are they?" He said, "They are the people that translated us into French." I said, "Well, why are we going up? It's an animated film and our faces aren't there what are we doing?" It was absurd.

Me: Hahahaha. One of the things I took from your new book "Live Long and ...  : What I Learned Along the Way" is you saying "yes" to things. Is doing a whole movie in Esperanto an example of that?

William: Yes. Ha ha ha ha. I said yes to this interview with you too. Well, look, I always say "yes." I wouldn't say "yes" if you asked me to jump off a bridge but I mean "yes" to life.

Me: Haha. So, you have written quite a few books. What is different about this one?

William: The book is about as I age and I tend to say "no, the rocking chair would be fine for me." No, say "yes" to life. Life beckons me. Follow the beckoning. In my case if it's a country music album which I have out there now, say yes, it's a great album. People are loving it. Say yes to this book that I wrote. Live long and dot dot dot if I want to do it myself. I have a Christmas album that came out called "Shatner Claus." Electric bikes, pedego bikes, go get on a bike and pedal, and then if you get tired hit the electric switch. The world is alive and waiting for you. If only you would just say yes to it.

Me: Yes. Ha. So, I have to talk about the role you are the most famous for... Captain Kirk from "Star Trek." That is the role you're most famous for, right?

Wiliam: Yes. Although there are seventeen people in Tokyo who know me from that Esperanto thing.

Me: Ha! I'm sure you told this story about when you got the past of Captain Kirk a million times. What can you tell us what you remember from the audition?

William: I didn't audition, I was asked if I would play the role of the Captain.

Me: How and where were you when you got the offer then?

William: I was in New York doing something so very important that I can't remember what it was. Maybe I was unlearning Esperanto that was beamed into my head and I was trying to get rid of it with therapists. The phone rings and it's this guy, Gene Roddenberry, he says, "We've made a pilot that didn't sell. NBC wants to try another pilot with a different cast. Would you come to Hollywood to look at the pilot we made with the idea of playing the lead?" So I go to Hollywood and I see this film that's really quite good. It was a little self-important, and I pointed that out I said, "If you're five years together on a trip and you're on the only boat around, and you say 'Turn left,' you don't pompously say, 'Starboard ahead! Good, good, good, a little to the left.'" It's funnier, I think. Who knows what it's like to be five years in space anyway. I'm just guessing we might be a little lighthearted about it that was my thought. And everybody made their own suggestions and the second pilot was improved thank they very cleverly kept Leonard Nimoy as Spock. Leonard had grasped the dimensions of his character, he was glorious, and I did the best I could. The pilot sold and it became "Star Trek."

Me: You talk about Leonard in the book. Was it hard to write about him?

William: Yes. It's hard to write about people who've passed, who I had memories. I loved him, he was my brother.

Me: So, you once did a cover of the Beatles song "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds." What do you remember about that?

William: L.S.D.

Me: What was the reason that song was chosen?

William: Combined with a piece of literature that had solidity and similar to Cyrano de Bergerac, "I may climb perhaps to no great heights, but I will climb alone." Combine with a song that needed drugs to climb that was the original intent. Played alone like that you'd think what the heck is the actor doing but that's what the actor was doing.

Me: Can you believe it was fifty years since the album "The Transformed Man" came out?

William: I know.

Me: The album had Captain Kirk's name right on the cover next to yours. I have a pic of the cover here...

Me: Did it feel that you as a person and the character were the same person?

William: I never felt like a starship Captain in real life. Although I have actually acted like one. I may have been a bit demanding more or less. I would say turn left to someone, I would use the word "starboard" if someone was driving in my car. No, I don't confuse the acting world with the real world.

Me: At the time did people see you as William Shatner or Kirk?

William: Well, there was a time. Motorola had designed a StarTAC phone after the new years of "Star Trek." They gave me one. I was in an airport and I flipped open this StarTAC Motorola phone to make a phone call. It was one of the first electronic phones and gathered a crowd who were laughing at me. At first I didn't understand why. I realized then it was right out of "Star Trek."

Me: One thing I love that you did was that infamous "Saturday Night Live" sketch where you were at a convention. Do you remember when you first went to a convention?

William: I do. Very vividly. I didn't want to go because I thought true real actors, serious actors, artists do not go to what were conventions then.

Me: Where was the first convention you went to? My first one was on Long Island I think.

William: It was in New York.

Me: What was the experience like when you were there?

William: They said 15,000 people will be there and I said, "Well, what do I say?" They said, "Well, you make it up as you go along." It took years to perfect confidence and somewhat a routine to answer some of the questions. And confidence really, that I was going to be all right. So that first comic convention was a nightmare.

Me: Were you nervous?

William: Yeah, I was nervous I was going to slip up, nervous on how I was going to answer the question, what am I going to say? How can I keep people amused for an hour? Out here I'm all alone. 

Me: Are you comfortable with interviews and stuff now?

William: Well, out of all that travail came a one man show I did on Broadway. Toured the United States, toured Canada, toured Australia. Out of that came a tour which I just did with a film called The Wrath of Kahn, a "Star Trek" film. I come out afterwards and do an hour with the audience. Go to and see what I'm doing. Go get a Pedago bike.

Me: So, what's with the Pedago bike thing?

William: It's like a little motorcycle of you wish or you could peddle away. Fifteen members of my family, we have a close knit family anyway, but fifteen people going out on a bicycle trip, everybody hanging together, no one is faster than the other. Pretty good, right?

Me: I guess. So, what do you think of fandom nowadays, sir? Do you think it is healthy?

William: Oh, well, which health are you talking about? If someone is locked in a room obsessing on a game or a show and putting on thirty pounds by eating at McDonald's... no. But if someone is taking inspiration... like I was doing a film and I needed transportation, I had what would of amounted the total budget I had to make this film to transport me to the places I had to go I called Bombardier and I said, "Listen. I'm a Canadian. I need an airplane, you're an airplane manufacturer, can you lend me an airplane?" The guy said yes, and I met him later on the tarmac and he said, "The reason I'm lending you this plane is to pay you back. I became a aeronautical engineer and then became the head of Bombardier because of you. So this is payback." And off I went.

Me: Do you think the Internet has changed on what it means to fandom?

William: Everything. The Internet changed everything.

Me: What is the big difference between your fans back then opposed to fans now?

William: Everything. The fans participate in me and have a sense of ownership, which is fine. But the Internet and social media could be used for good. There could be a positive, people know, that you and millions like us on the social media could be a force for good, not this ugly thing we keep hearing about. 

Me: You are doing so much, William. Do you think of retiring and lying on a beach?

William: Yeah, but I could get cancer of the skin by lying on the beach.

Me: What's keeping you going?

William: The cancer! I don't want to get cancer! What keeps me going is I love it. I'm enjoying talking to you. People are reading this blog all over the world, Jason. Can you believe that? I'd rather do this than eat. Though I don't mind eating.

Me: Sir, I am so honored and excited to have you here on the Phile. This was a big thrill for me. I hope you'll come back again soon.

William: No. The thrill is mine.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests, Jeff Trelewicz and of course William Shatner for a great interview. I think it was great. The Phile will be back on Monday with Tito Beveridge, founder of Tito's Vodka. Then a week from today, next Thursday I have to tell you who will be here... NPH. Yup. Him. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Monday, November 26, 2018

Pheaturing Marq Torien From BulletBoys

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for Monday... not just any Monday, it's Cyber Monday, also known as the day everyone shops online instead of doing any actual work. How are you? I hope shopping on Cyber Monday doesn't take too much time away from your regular schedule of wasting the day on the Internet. Unless it's reading the Phile. Cyber Monday is like Black Friday, but no one wants to hurt you.
Thanks to the eternally burning dumpster fire that is the American news cycle in 2018, you'd think news networks would be up to their elbows in important stories. Well, many of them are. Fox News, though, is another story. This weekend, amid riots in Paris, lies and political scandals at Facebook, and horrific gun violence in America, Fox News decided to... ahem... hold a four-person panel on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's worn out sneakers! And Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez clapped back in Spanish, so now Fox News will never know what she said. Before we get to her epic clapback, though, let's take a look at Fox News' ridiculous panel on her sneaks...

Can you believe Fox News went to the trouble of scrounging up three entire women for this?! Word of the panel got back to AOC, and she tweeted this...

It says, "It's not love, what you're feeling is called obsession," and it's from the song "Obsession" by Aventura. She also was kind enough to provide an anglophone version...

Yeah, Fox, why you so obsessed with her? At least it's somewhat entertaining for the rest of us.
If you haven't already spit out your coffee in rage today, I have the perfect opportunity for you! Tomi Lahren, aka the embodiment of every white woman who sings the N-word along with rap music but supports #BlueLivesMatter, has done it again. And by "it" I mean she's written words on Twitter that reveal her to be either incredibly dense or incredibly soulless. My bets are on soulless because I truly think she's calculated and knows what she's doing with her whole millennial Eva Braun vibe. In case you missed it, during the past few days U.S. forces have launched teargas at peaceful asylum seekers, including tiny children and their mothers. To many of us with hearts that still regularly palpate, teargassing refugee babies is a vile and inhumane act that only confirms the current administration's fascism. However, for Termi Looren (I refuse to type her full name out more than necessary), watching babies sprayed with poison made for a great Thanksgiving, and she brazenly decided to tell Twitter this.

If we're being honest, large sections of Twitter don't need reasons to drag Termi, many of us are perpetually dragging her in our hearts. But her latest vile statement ushered in a whole new chorus of "WTF." Even for Termi, this level of callous inhumanity is shocking and disgusting. Termi is truly a heartless white supremacist, and Twitter is truly a place where those types of people feel emboldened to share their views. Luckily, the rest of us feel emboldened to call out just how despicable those world views are.
Rita Ora, who plays Christian Grey's sister in the Fifty Shades movies and also has a music career apparently, had a Thanksgiving morning even more awkward than a conversation with your uncle Tony. Ora and her puffy jacket were featured on a float at the 3-hour NBC commercial known as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and she accidentally had an Ashlee Simpson-level lip sync SNAFU. The "singer" was promptly roasted on Twitter, because the schadenfreude was just too fun. John Legend, ever the mensch, came to Ora's defense by spilling tea about the parade. According to Legend, all artists have to lip sync on the parade because of technical difficulties, but rest assured, his vocals at concerts are live, baby, LIVE!

Wait. So Barenaked Ladies lip synced too?
James Comey, aka Witness #1 to President Trump's obstruction of justice, got a nice Thanksgiving treat from the House Republicans making the most of their lame duck session before Democrats take over committees and actually conduct oversight. The former FBI director tweeted that he was gifted with a subpoena, and that he'll insist on any testimony being public in the interest of transparency. House Judiciary Chairman Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Virginia, not a Starbucks drink) subpoenaed Comey as part of an investigation into FBI decisions during the 2016 election, such as Comey's infamous letter about emails that likely cost Hillary the presidency. He also subpoenaed former Attorney General Loretta Lynch. In honor of Cyber Monday, House Republicans are having a last call, "everything must go!" subpoena party. It doesn't seem desperate at all as Special Counsel Robert Mueller closes in.
Did you ever make an instant bestie on vacation as a kid, never to see them again? That was the case with two women who met on a cruise in 2006. But thanks to the wonders of the Internet... specifically Twitter... they've now gotten back in contact. It all started when the first girl, Bri, posted this tweet...

Overnight, Bri says, the tweet went from nine retweets to thousands. She joked that if Twitter could find her a husband, too, that would be great. Incredibly, it took less than a day for Bri's former cruise bestie to pop up. And everyone freaked out. Bri was super excited. And Heii noted that she hasn't checked Twitter in "years" but on this day, she luckily did. She also confirmed she and Bri are now officially pals again. Everyone agreed that when it isn't a raging garbage fire, Twitter can be pretty cool.
So, instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Ummm... maybe not. Actually, it might be good. Do you like dogs? I love dogs myself. But some dogs could be jerks.

I think he's saying, ""I hate you, Ken!!" Haha. If I had a TARDIS I would go back in time to Brooklyn in 1931 but and go to a restaurant. But knowing my luck I'd see Mafia Boss Joe Masseria laying dead on the restaurant floor...

You know what makes me laugh? Old people wearing inappropriate t-shirts.

Hahaha. Photoshop is a big thing but sometimes things look photoshopped but are not. Like this...

This is a real nature scene with an error message from a computerized billboard in the background. Crazy, right? Okay, so Marvel said the next Avengers movie's title is something that was said in a previous MCU film. I think I know what it is...

Makes sense, right? So, is your kid as clever as this kid in school?

Hahahaha. One of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn freely and cheap. But if you're at work or school you might get in trouble. So, I came up with a solution...

You're welcome. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Pheatures In The AOL Car 
5. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
4. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
2. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
And the number one pheature about the AOL car...
1. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Hmmmm... if you spot the Mindphuck let me know. It's not the best one. That top phive list was pretty lame as well I think. An AOL car? Ha! Alright, so, not long ago I had a sex therapist come on the Phile and give some "advice." I think it's advice. Anyway, she was pretty popular so I thought I'd invite her back again. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, professor, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?

Liz: I'm good, Jason.

Me: Great. So, what do you have to tell us today?

Liz: Well, I want to teach you something about history.

Me: Oh, cool.

Liz: You know the help had to enter through the back door in thew day when Dr. Martin Luther King Junior fought so ya'll could enter through the front.

Me: Huh? What are you talking about?

Liz: I'm saying stay out if the back of the bus and park your you know what up front.

Me: Professor, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Liz: Jason, I'm teaching history and turning anal into a civil rights issue. Duh.

Me: Oh, man, professor, this is not what the civil rights struggle was about.

Liz: Oh. Well, have a nice day.

Me: You too. Professor Liz Chickasaw, kids.

According to multiple studies, happiness is thought to be influenced by a combination of 10% life circumstances, 50% genetics, and 40% attitude.

Another day under Trump, another reason to scream loudly into the abyss in hopes that his body will crumble into a pile of dust. Somehow, Trump always senses when the screaming gets tiresome and manages to tweet something bonkers so we can all drag him for filth. While making fun of the president on Twitter doesn't feel as good as impeachment or total revolution, it's an action presently available at our fingertips that temporarily provides catharsis against walls of hopelessness, so I'll take it. In the latest installment of Trump Getting Roasted, the commander-in-chief decided to both thank himself in the third person, and give himself a nickname all in the same tweet. While praising the falling price of oil, Trump thanked himself while dubbing his new nickname "President T" which makes him sound like a character on an after school special. Needless to say, this opened up the door for many jokes. Of course, you can't call yourself anything "T" without people bringing up Mr. T, it's the law. People were largely disturbed by Trump's failed attempt to humanize himself in such an awkward way. Of course, there are also jokes suggesting Trump is hoping a new nickname will divorce his image from his reality. Given the Internet's emotionally charged responses, I have a feeling the nickname "President T" may stick but not in the way he hoped. 

The 90th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The great William Shatner will be the guest on the Phile on Thursday. 

Phact 1. In addition to the gladiatorial battles on land, massive naval battles were held in giant pits of water. The first known instance of such battles, collectively known as Naumachia, was given by Julius Caesar and consisted of 2000 combatants and 4000 rowers, all prisoners of war. 

Phact 2. Ethiopia’s calendar is seven years behind the rest of the world. In 2007, the country celebrated the new millennium as they changed their calendars from 1999 to 2000. 

Phact 3. Jorah Mormont is often referred to as “Jorah the Andal” despite the fact that House Mormont is a house from northern Westeros meaning they are descended from the First Men, not the Andals. 

Phact 4. While playing cricket for Australia, David Boon is said to have consumed fifty-two cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London in 1989. 

Phact 5. In 1954, economist Armen Alchian was able to figure out what the secret fuel was for the newly developed hydrogen bomb just by looking at the share prices of chemical suppliers on the stock market. 

Today's pheatured guest is the lead singer of the hard rock act BulletBoys whose latest album 
"From Out of the Skies" is available on Amazon, iTunes and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Marq Torien.

Me: Hey, Marq, welcome to the Phile. How are you doing? 

Marq: Pretty cool. You? 

Me: Not bad. How long have you been singing, Marq? Pretty much all your life, right? 

Marq: Yeah, since I was 7-years-old. I come from a musical family so it's pretty much in my blood. It's kinda like a mini Jackson story, our family had our little thing growing up in Montebello and that's where I started basically. I come from a very strict show time people, we always had to be on our game when it came to our talent. My parents taught me a lot about performance and especially about professionalism. 

Me: You guys came along in the 80s when there are so many bands like you guys. What made your band different, Marq? 

Marq: Well, other guys don't take it as seriously as I do. I'm a performer and pretty much in that old school R&B and rock singer, so my performances are a little different. It's very difficult for me, I'm not saying this in a derogatory way because everybody works diligently hard. When I go to a show I want to be moved and see the artist being that artist, being that representative of themselves instead of just standing there being the mic. If you're Liam from Oasis it works. He's full pf piss and vinegar and it's that sullen, British, tallied, magical guy that can stand there and do that. It's very few and far between. We lost a lot of talent that a actually was that... Michael Jackson, Chris Cornell, Chad Bennington, Dio, the amazing and magical David Bowie, that were performers. I'm not trying to put myself in that class but I'm a performer and entertainer. 

Me: I got to interview Liam and he was very outspoken and fun. So, where did your find you voice when you learnt you can sing? 

Marq: That's a great question, thank you for asking that. I don't think it's something that I found, I think it's something that found me. I am a man of faith, I am a not a man of religious and I believe in God and I really believe he blessed me with this talent. All of us are blessed with some sort of talent, even if you don't know you have talent, but are are all magical in our own ways. 

Me: So, what kinda songs did you start singing as a kid? 

Marq: When I started singing I was singing folk songs. Carole King songs, Stevie Wonder, Creedance Clearwater Revival, Steve Marriott, cats like that. 

Me: What kinda music did your parents listen to and play? 

Marq: My father is a jazz trombonist and he was in a huge jazz band back in the day and he unknowingly turned me onto a lot of jazz, a lot of Latino percussion stuff. He also listened to Eric Clapton, and Cream, he listened to Iron Butterfly. My mother listened to a lot of musical theater and my parents performed in musical theater. They were also backing bands for local musical theater performances. All that music stuff is in my mind, thrown in a blender, so I pull out things from different musicalities. 

Me: Okay, let's talk about you new album "From Out of the Skies." I love the song "Losing End Again," Marq. That song is a great acoustic song with some very unique percussion on it. How did you come up with that? 

Marq: Thanks. I wanted to create a loop in song and I didn't want it to be a manufactured loop with modern technology. What I did was I went and played all the old percussion instruments that you would hear on Sérgio Mendes in 1966. I was looking for a lot of eclectic music for this record, I pulled from there to try and create it. I used different things that could create a different sound that wasn't a sample of something but that was really real. That song when I listen to it I'm thinking wow, all these things are copasetic. 

Me: I interviewed Kristy Majors from Pretty Boy Floyd a few months ago and I mentioned to him that their new album sounds just like an album of there's that would of came out in the 80s or 90s. He said they did that on purpose. Your new album doesn't sound that way, it sounds modern. Was that your intention, Marq? 

Marq: I think I really dove down into a sound like that, a lot of rock and roll guys don't do that. With my musical background we wanted to step out and do something that was very risky. We will continue to do so. I want to quote C-Mac on this. After we had it mastered goes, "I just want to say this... this went from being like this record to like this huge U2 sounding record." Hahahaha. We were driving to a gig and we stopped and went "Chad?" He said, "I know it's profound." I love Chad with all my heart, he's my guy, we've been together now for eight years and he's extremely intelligent. He has a plethora of stories to tell 'cause he's a dictionary of music. He knows so much about bands and music and history. He stopped for a second and goes, "That was really completely outrageous." I was like no, no, no. It's the sound that we created which is a larger than life thing for this little band from So-Cal. He said, "We're playing with the big boys now." We all kinda went wow, because we were. The music is at a certain level where I don't think a lot of bands from our genre are good at expressing themselves in that way. It saddens me and really dumbfounds me also that there's so much talent from that era and they all seem to drift back to the sound that they had in the past created. 

Me: So, why you think you are different or the band is different than other bands? 

Marq: I learned so much from people that I've been around, and been blessed by in the music business. There's a thing called reinvention. Bands have to be able to reinvent themselves. Unless you have the best spaghetti sauce in the world and the best Italian restaurant then everyone's gonna eat spaghetti every night don't change a thing! But such in life it's not like that. To me I wish more artists would step out of their comfort zone and try to do something that was magically delicious. 

Me: Before BulletBoys you were in a Motown band Kagney & the Dirty Rats, is that right? 

Marq: Yes, I'm actually part of the Motown family. 

Me: So, how did you have to choose between staying with Motown and doing R&B and going to the heavy rock scene? 

Marq: Yeah, it was a hard thing to do because my heart was pulling me to R&B and funk and soul music, But my punk rock side, hard rock and metal side of me was pulling very hard because I saw these bands coming out of L.A. and I really thought myself and my best friend Lonnie Vencent were two guys that saw each others talent and wanted to do something at a really high level and no one would let us come around. They wouldn't let us in the parties, they scoured me and Lonnie when we showed up. "There's that stupid poor white guy." Believe me it's the truth, we heard it. We are ever-loving dudes but when it came down to it they were afraid of our talent. Lonnie didn't take any guff from anybody, he grew top surfing and skating and was a straight out bad ass. We were best friends and he revered my talent and told me I was gonna be one of the biggest stars ever with my voice. He said, "Drop the guitar and I guarantee you you'll be a big rock star." He was right. I have been singing and playing guitar for so many years, that's how I started in the back yard playing guitar. There was a fight and he said, "I don't want you to drop the guitar because you're an amazing guitar player but you have to. Me and you are gonna get to another place. You just gotta be this front man. Use that talent that you have, the charisma and we're gonna be fine." With is ability of never taking no for an answer from anybody and always asking why and never letting anybody get over what we were doing we were the guys that had that piss and vinegar because we were tired of being shit on and looked down and frowned upon. I spoke to him recently and he said this big rock star came up to him and apologized to him for doing that to us back in the day. Here we are way over thirty years later. He said, "Man, that's probably been eating him up all these years." 

Me: So, how did BulletBoys start and get the name BulletBoys? 

Marq: The BulletBoys started in Lonnie's garage and the reason we call ourselves BulletBoys was because there were three different gangs that we were around. They loved us, but they would always have shoot outs in the alleyways. These guys would go out at night and fool around with guns and shoot each other or whatever the fuck they were doing. One day Lonnie's brother, Michael Vencent, may he rest in peace, he came into the garage and he was holding these bullets in his hand. He was looking all weird and scared like. He said he picked them off the ground, and we were thinking we got termites and stuff but it was bullets. We were trying to think of a name for the band and this friend of ours who was kinda of an a-hole said, "Hey, man, you should call yourselves the BulletBoys. That'd be rad." Lonnie was like, "Dude, what did you say?" Lonnie was a tough guy and the guy said, "I didn't say anything, dude." Lonnie said, "No, what did you say, man?" He repeated it and Lonnie said, "You could be right, man." We went out that night, kicking back on the beach and I said, "I think we're the BulletBoys." 

Me: When the band became big and "Smooth Up In Ya" became a hit single, how did you celebrate and learn you were a hit? 

Marq: I think we found out we were successful when we sold out the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium in less than five minutes. We actually hold the record of one one of the quickest selling out of that venue. I think to me and Lonnie, and Jimmy and probably to Mick to, that venue is a very historical place to play. The mighty Van Halen played there, the Doors, you name it, any So-Cal band played there. So, when we played there that to me told me we were a success. We were like, wow, we are accepted by our home town. We sold that place out and it was so amazing. I can still see it in my head how the band was so on. We waited so long to be that band. For all intensive purposes, I will probably get a lot of slack for saying this but most of the bands we ended up opening for just couldn't meet our fire. We were so full of piss and vinegar we would break our equipment after each show we played that we know we won. Our thing was did we win or did we lose? We were very sports minded competitors and also we were drinking and using a lot back in the day. You didn't want to cross us because we'd start fighting you. You looked at us the wrong way and it was lit. That's how we gained the following. They couldn't believe that Mick was snapping real Les Paul's with his foot at the end of the show. Jimmy picked up his bass drum above his head and smashed it to the ground. I think we were like the Who, we wanted to be like the Who so bad. 

Me: Okay, I have to ask you about Ted Templeman, Marq. He is known for producing Van Halen as you know. Did you guys ever say to Ted, "Make us sound like Van Halen?" 

Marq: No, there was never that conversation. Ted wanted us just to be us and we had lot of similarities with Van Helen because we came from the streets, we came from packing the clubs and we went from there. We also had the similarities with me with the bleach blond hair running around like a bat outta control. Yes, there were some similarities but I think we were like the evil Van Halen. 

Me: Okay, so, you guys had a song, "Rock Candy," on the Waynes World soundtrack. Did that help you guys at all? I'm sure it did. 

Marq: It was a cover of a Montrose song so monetarily it didn't really do anything for us. I think it told us that we really should be doing soundtracks. I wish we did a lot more movie scores and soundtracks. I thought we were gonna get more involved in after we did that and it per quite came into fruition. Sammy Hager just loved it by the way. Ted Templeman played it for him, we weren't there when we played it for him of course but he told us Sammy loves us guys and loves what we did with this. We changed the song a little bit, we put a riff to it. We slowed it down, giving it a slower groove. We made it a little more sinister I thought. 

Me: On the first album you did a cover of the "Celebrity Apprentice" theme song. Hahaha. How did you guys chose what covers to do? 

Marq: I think it's relating to the great magical bands that came before us. The Stones, the Beatles, Van Halen, guys that a actually did covers in their own way and made it their song. It was my idea to do "For the Love of Money" as an homage to Motown. I just love the O'Jays with all my heart. They are just an amazing band and I got to see them when I was young. To be able to put that down in a rock format kudos to all of us for finding that groove and us actually working on it and thinking it will work. No one ever tried to attempt to do a thing like that, to do a R&B song in a rock format. Especially bands from that genre. 

Me: On the single "D-Evil" you do a duet with Jesse Hughes. That guy is a prick about what he said about the March for Our Lives march. Anyway, what was it like working with him? 

Marq: He came in and sang on that thing on the 13th hour and just really brought magical stuff to that song. He's actually a loving guy and kind. 

Me: So, what's next for you? 

Marq: Jesse and I just recorded for the movie Super Troopers 2, Bruce Springsteen's "Blinded By the Light." It's so rad. It sounds really cool and spooky. I feel really blessed, dude. 

Me: Marq, thanks so much fore being on the Phile. I hope this was fun. 

Marq: Yeah, Jason, and thanks for having me on your cool blog. It means everything to me, you have no idea. I'm sure a lot of people say that, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and really mean it. 

Me: No worries. Please come back again soon. Take care.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile, Thanks to Marq for a good interview. The Phile will back on Thursday with William Shatner. I'm so excited. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker