Monday, July 31, 2017

Pheaturing Phile Alum Desert Tundra

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you doing? Let's start off with a story about a    British couple detained for 26 hours at an L.A. airport and sent home because the groom is Muslim. It seems every day under the Disney villain-esque Trump administration, the U.S. is becoming a less and less appealing place to travel (or live). According to a new report in "The Sun," a newly married British couple is saying they were detained at an L.A. airport for 26 hours during a trip to the U.S. in May, and they believe it was because the groom is Turkish, and immigration officials "thought he was Muslim." The saddest part is, stories like this don't even surprise me anymore. Natasha Politakis, 29, and Ali Gul, 32, from London, had spent over $9,000 on a trip to Los Angeles, Hawaii and, finally, Las Vegas. Instead, they ended up spending more than a day at the Los Angeles International Airport, before they were handcuffed and sent back to London, "The Sun" reports. Not exactly a honeymoon. “As far as we knew before we left everything was fine, but as soon as we got there they wouldn’t let us in," Politakis told "The Sun." "We believe since Trump was elected, they took one look at his name, thought he was Muslim and didn't let him in." The couple said they were given "no explanation" for their detainment, but given Trump's crackdown on Muslims entering the country, they believe that they were most likely detained because Gul is Turkish and "they thought he was Muslim." "It was for no reason,” Politakis told the "Guardian." “We tried to talk to the embassy but they said just go on the website and there was no explanation there. We had visas, we had everything. We were treated like criminals." To make things somehow even worse, the couple told "The Sun" they were refused a shower and had all their possessions confiscated throughout their detention. "They stuck us in this detention center in the airport, stripped us of all our possessions and didn't let us shower, get a coffee or change our clothes for 26 hours," they said. They also claim that when they tried to find out why they were being detained, authorities handcuffed them before escorting them onto a flight back to London. The U.S. embassy has declined to comment on the alleged incident but said there were "more than 60 grounds of inadmissibility divided into several major categories, including health-related, prior criminal convictions, security reasons, public charge, labor certification, illegal entrants and immigration violations, documentation requirements, and miscellaneous grounds," the "Guardian" reports.
If you've been wanting to make some real estate investments recently, boy, have I found the deal for you! This creepy clown motel can be yours for the low, low price of $900,000.

I told you it was a good deal. According to A.V. Club, the Clown Motel is located in scenic Tonopah, Nevada, a small town of 2,478 people located in between Reno and Las Vegas, and it's currently for sale. Rooms at this establishment are extremely budget friendly at just $42.50 a night for a single room. A.V. Club reports that the motel is in a prime Tonopah location, on Main Street right in between a strip mall and the old miners' graveyard. That, my friends, is the ultimate vacation destination. And just look at all these (most likely haunted) clown figurines!

And the best news? All these frightening clown figures are included in the price! How do I know? Well, the motel's current owner, Bob Perchetti, told "Las Vegas Now!" that his one condition for selling the property is that the new owner keeps all the clowns. And he'll know if you get rid of them, because he's going to come check on you. “Oh, I’m going to miss the clowns. I’m going to come back. I’m going to come back and visit my clowns,” he said. Why do I feel like if the new owner did attempt to remove the clowns they'd just keep reappearing? Oh, because this whole thing is a freaky nightmare waiting to happen. In fact, I'm getting ready to write the based-on-a-true-story horror movie screenplay about it.
A $12.99 tote bag is causing some drama on the Internet. Remember The Dress and all the havok it wreaked? This BelleChic bag is like that, except some people read it and see "my favorite color is glitter." Others read it and see "my favorite color is Hitler."

People were Fuhrious, how did the designers Nazi this? Hahahaha. I'm cracking myself up. Matt Molen, Chief Marketing Officer for BelleChic, spoke to Allure and confirmed that the bag has been redesigned with a new, more clear font. "While I realize that most of the social media buzz and commentary has been tongue-in cheek, the type of abhorrent sentiment conveyed as part of the misinterpretation absolutely does not align with our company values, nor is it something we would ever want to encourage or support," said Molen. Sorry, craft-loving Nazis. The old design is now retired.
A study published in the journal "Pediatrics" details the case of a young baby in Spain who for eight and a half months lived on an "exclusive intake of almond beverages and almond flour." As any mother (or most humans) could guess, this diet was not healthy for the baby. A doctor suggested the baby, then two-and-half months old, switch from a cow to almond milk formula after exhibiting skin rashes, the "Washington Post" reports. For a few months, everything was normal. However, at six months the baby began repeatedly rejecting vegetable and fruit purées. A month later, there were signs of deterioration. At first, he "showed less interest in interacting and was more unstable when sitting." By month 11, there were some vary scary signals something was wrong: he wasn't walking and cried when someone touched his legs. It turned out that his diet has deprived him of vitamin C to such a point that his legs were broken. The baby's broken legs, mood, and "failure to thrive" were symptoms of his incredibly low vitamin C level. His vitamin deficiency meant he had contracted scurvy, a disease more often associated with pirates or voyagers traveling pre-1900 than modern-day babies in countries such as Spain. Fortunately, the baby was provided with a 300 mg dose of vitamin C daily. In three months, he improved to the point that he began walking. Now the little Spaniard can do a happy baby dance. The study abstract ends by saying, "Manufacturers should indicate that these beverages are inappropriate for infants who consume a vitamin C–deficient diet." This case, then, does not mean that almond milk is "bad," it just infers that almond milk is not an ideal foundation for a baby's diet. Also, it suggests that an almond milk cleanse would be a very poor idea.
Hey, in case you haven't noticed, J.K. Rowling really hates Donald Trump. In fact, Rowling's favorite past time for the past couple of years has been administering sick burns to the President and his devotees on Twitter on a regular basis. Truly, her scathing and witty anti-Trump tweets are almost as magical as her Harry Potter books. J.K. Rowling was up to her old tricks and feeling especially feisty a few days ago after President Trump announced via tweet that transgender people would no longer be able to serve in the military. She was on a rampage, and took down infamous conservative whiner Tomi Lahren with one brutally sarcastic tweet...

Although most of Rowling's followers reveled in the Tomi-takedown, some told her she should not be concerning herself with United States politics as a citizen of the U.K. She proceeded to own those people as well. All right, folks, who is next? Remember, this woman has balls of steel... she created Dumbledore and then KILLED him in cold blood. She isn't afraid of no Internet troll and she certainly is not afraid to take on Donald Trump. Now if only there were a spell that could get former conservative talk show hosts to stop spewing nonsense on the Internet... Avada Kedavra, bitches.
So, did you see the poster for the new Tom Cruise that comes out this Christmas? If not, I have it right here...

I think it'll be good. Haha. Ever go to Goodwill? I have only been there once but you can find some very helpful things there, like this...

Do you like Kraft Macaroni & Cheese? I used to when I could eat gluten... anyway, their new slogan is kinda to the point...

I have been telling you that Kellyanne Conway has been holding up signs on TV for some reason. Well, guess what? She held up two more...

That's funny. So, I was looking on Amazon for things to buy and I came across this...

Next time the power goes out, let the tears of a unicorn illuminate your path. I know my sister Lucyn would like that. So, the Democrats have a new slogan...

Hmmm... I think they need to go back to the drawing board. At a ridiculous rally in Youngstown, Ohio, Donald Trump made some comments to his adoring crowd about his face on Mount Rushmore. He was joking, kinda, making a point about "the fake news media" running with his comments in sensational headlines. Then again, he did ask "Will I someday be on Mount Rushmore?" Well, apparently he is on it already...

That was quick. Hahaha. Disney, the greatest company in the world, has been known to change their characters looks over the years to keep up with the modern times. I like that, but I think is taking it a little too far...

I don't know what to think. I also don't know what move that is from. So, in the past I have shown you some bathing suits or bikinis you might see at the beach. Well, here's another one...

BBH Asia Pacific copywriter Douglas Hamilton believes you shouldn't let a minor thing like the lack of a swimsuit stop you from jumping in the ocean. The solution? The ThingThong! This product is for that ultra-last minute trip to the beach... adjustable elastic Y-straps and the slipper itself will cover your modesty. Hmmm. I don't know what to think. well, I consider myself a pretty lucky person but some people are so lucky they are...

You know who is winning at life? Gal Gadot, because she made us feel nice, for once. This was such a moving moment that even the ever-emotionless Ben Affleck called it "sweet." A little girl burst into tears when she met her idol, Diana, Princess of Themyscira, and it just goes to show how powerful and important it is for young kids to get to see female heroes. Representation matters, people, for both humans and amazons.

Are you a lazy person? If so, I bet you are not as lazy as...

Lazy got. Hahaha. So, are you planning on going on a date and want to show off that you're smart, or at work you want something to talk about? Well, I have the answer for you. It's just the...

Phact 1: Playboy Bunny outfit was the first service uniform registered with the United States Patent and Trademark Office.
Phact 2: At age 9, Ron McNair, the African-American astronaut, later killed in the Challenger explosion in 1986, refused to leave a segregated public library after the librarian rejected his request to check out some books. The police were called, as was his mother. Years later they renamed the library after him.
Phact 3: The shishito pepper grown in Japan is unique that only one out of every ten peppers is spicy and there is no way ti know beforehand, which one it might be,
Phact 4: Verizon received $2.1 billion in tax breaks in Pennsylvania to wire every house with 45Mbps by 2015. Half of all households where to be wired by 2004. When deadlines weren't met, Verizon kept the money and didn't deliver. The same thing happened in New York.
Phact 5: A Frenchwoman, Jeanne de Clisson, became a pirate in the 1300s to revenge her husband's death, who was beheaded for treason. She sold her family's land to buy three ships and painted then black with red sails. For the next thirteen years she went on a pirating binge, targeting King Philip VI's ships and personally beheaded the French nobleman she captured with an axe.

Hmmm... if you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, ever have deep thoughts about life when you're taking a shower? Well, I do... so I thought I would share one of those thoughts with you in a brand new pheature called...

I wonder if I've ever bought milk from the same cow twice. Hmmmm.

I don't get it. Hahaha. Soooo confused. Moving on...

The 64th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Author and Phile Alum Gary Gerani will be the guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Tomi Lahren
Tomi Lahren is a conservative political commentator, when it suits her.

Today's guest is a Phile Alum whose new EP "Something Fierce" is available on iTunes. Please welcome back to the Phile... Desert Tundra.

Me: Hey, Desert, or Janet... haha. Hi, how are you? Welcome back to the Phile.

Desert: Hey, Jason! How are ya? Thanks for having me back. I'm feeling more like Desert today... haha.

Me: I have to say about that pic... wow. Haha.

Desert: It's my aesthetic.

Me: So, your stage name is Desert Tundra, like a super hero or X-Men, am I right? Or is your band now called Desert Tundra?

Desert: Yes, you totally get it! Every superhero has to protect themselves from the rest of the world.... Even Superman has to pretend to be Clark Kent. And yeah, my band is also called Desert Tundra.

Me: Alright, so, if you were a superhero named Desert Tundra what kinda powers would you have? 

Desert: I'm kinda obsessed with Jean Grey who is also the Phoenix. She's a telepath and the only Class 5 mutant. Like she can literally do everything. Her powers are completely endless. Okay... I'm geeing out right now, haha.

Me: Would you be a hero or a villain?

Desert: I would totally be a hero. That way I can show all the people who bullied me in middle school and high school that I'm not the monster they think I am.

Me: You have to give me a superhero name. Can you do that? Hahaha.

Desert: I would call you Sol. The latin name for the sun... because you are smoking hot... haha. You like that, huh? 

Me: Yeah. I think you need glasses though. Hahaha. But thanks, I like that. I interviewed a friend of yours a few months ago... Troy Richardson from Love Like Suicide. He saw your interview here and wanted to be interviewed. Did you know that?

Desert: Oh, for real? I Had no idea! I'm beginning to feel like Hollywood is shrinking by the day. I feel like I kinda know everyone in the L.A. music scene... Troy is legit. So, He actually helped kick start my band. He was our original bass player and he was trying to recruit me to play lead guitar for Love Like Suicide.

Me: When was the last time you saw Troy?

Desert: We actually just recently played a show with Love Like Suicide at the Lexington in downtown L.A. 

Me: His favorite band is Garbage, D.T., what is your favorite band? Do you have one?

Desert: Of all time? Hmmm... that's a tough one. I'd say Hole / Courtney Love. I love her! I love her aesthetic.

Me: Okay, so, you live in L.A., which is a unique area as you are not far from a desert or the ocean? Which one do you like better?

Desert: I actually love both to be honest! I love surfing and I'm obsessed with the desert. It amazes me that even in the most harsh conditions life still manages to exist. I also wanna try sand boarding which I hear is hella fun!

Me: I saw this pic of you and it looks like you love the water or frightened by it. Haha.

Me: Which one is it?

Desert: Haha... oh my god! Have you been stalking my Instagram... haha. Just kidding. I seriously love the water. There's something about it that's so soothing. That pic was actually from a photo shoot I did when I did a little modeling. The look was to be "happy and carefree"... haha.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your new EP "Something Fierce." Did you write all the songs on it yourself?

Desert: The new EP is a collaborative effort between me and the guys Jesse Pniak, Hiram Torres, Alex Madrid and Lee Piatelli. And I think that's what makes it so interesting cause we all come from different musical backgrounds and it creates this totally unique sound.

Me: When you write do you write on the keyboards or guitar?

Desert: I mostly write with an acoustic guitar, but for vocal melodies I usually use my piano.

Me: So, what was the inspiration behind the title track?

Desert: Haha... hard to believe but I was in love. And never again, haha!

Me: The video looked like it was a lot fun to film... was it?

Desert: Yes! It was sooooo much fun! My favorite memory of that video shoot was this drag queen named Anne Thrax screaming during the final scene that she was about to orgasm. Hahaha!

Me: Whose idea was to have a pillow fight on the video? Haha.

Desert: It's a very sexual song, so Hiram (our bass player) suggested a pillow fight with sexy girls. But we all agreed that that's been done before. Alex (Our lead guitarist) suggested drag queens. We played around with the idea of using Bears but in the end the drag queens won, 'cause let's be honest no one knows how to have mad fun more than drag queens!

Me: The beginning made me laugh when one of your band members say, "Poison is not a dad band." Was that scripted? It was very funny.

Desert: Not at all, that was a last minute decision made by director Jeremy Reyes. We did a lot of takes during that scene, and during editing Jeremy said they just couldn't stop laughing at the banter we we're doing. So he contacted us and said he wanted to do ad lib overdubs.

Me: So, what is your definition of a "dad band"? Is Bon Jovi a dad band? Foghat? The Band? Haha. 

Desert: It's kind of an on going joke between me and the guys because Lee's taste in music is so much mature. Like bands I've never heard of... haha. Yeah, Bon Jovi is total dad rock.

Me: So, was this new EP easier than your last one to record?

Desert: Yes, most definitely. I have the best team ever!

Me: Do you have the same band members? I think you do... they all look familiar. Did you pick the band out yourself? 

Desert: A: Yup! Same band members. It's officially our second year together. I love these guys to death! Jesse (our keys/rhythm guitar) helped me audition the members.

Me: Who is in the band, Desert? Give them a shout out.

Desert: So, it's Jesse Pniak on rhythm guitar and keys. Alex Madrid on lead guitar, our shred master. Hiram Torres on bass and of course Lee Piatelli on drums and comic relief... haha. Love you, fam!

Me: There's a track on the EP called "Bar 20" which is a real place... I guess you wrote that song when you were there?

Desert: Hmmm. Now for the meaty part. Nah, it's about this guy that I met at Bar 20 and we had a thing. The whole EP kinda revolves around that relationship. I'll let you use you imagination for that one on the song "Something Fierce"... haha!

Me: Does the band have any input on the music, or do you do it all?

Desert: In our band it's a democracy, everyone has input.

Me: I love the artwork for the CD... I take it that's your eye, but who came up with the design and "scenery"? It's very clever.

Desert: Shout out to my boy Stefano Bordino, an amazing illustrator and for being so generous to let us use his artwork. He lives in Italy.

Me: So, what is next for you and the band? Are you already writing music for your next release?

Desert: Yup, we are always planning months ahead of time and we've got something we're working on.

Me: Alright, go ahead and mention your website and everything, Desert. I wish you continued success. Please come back on the Phile when your next CD come out.

Desert: Thanks again, Jason, for having me back, it was so nice to see you again. So check us out on,, and Hope to see you again soon!

Me: Me too. Take care. Where less clothes next time. Hahaha.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Desert Tundra for a fun interview. This is very cool... the Phile will be back next Sunday with actor, comedian and musician Harry Shearer. You know, from "The Simpson's." I am so excited. Anyway, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snaked and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Pheaturing Phile Alum Karling Abbeygate

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday, how are you? Another day in America, another incident of horrific racism caught on film!! This one involves a racist blonde, who was filmed in the parking lot of a Walmart (popular hangout spot for racists apparently), throwing a tantrum in which she threatens to "kill" all Muslims. The tirade was reportedly sparked by three women, who happen to be Muslim, parking their car too close to hers. The video was shared by journalist and activist Shaun King on Facebook, where it went viral, wracking up over a million views in a few days. "We're gonna kill all of ya. We're gonna kill every one of ya," the woman is heard saying in the video, as she leaned aggressively in to the car window of Sarah Hassan, who recorded the incident. She continued, "we're gonna kill every one of you fucking Muslims." She also asked the women "why are you in our country anyway?" told them to "go home" and said, "I’m an American. I’m an American and you’re not" I have no doubt she's an American, unfortunately. The video was filmed by Hassan, 21, who was in the car with her sister, 20-year-old Leyla Hassan, and their friend, Rowda Soyan, 23, who live in Fargo, North Dakota, but are originally from Somalia, the "West Fargo Pioneer" reports. Hassan said she started filming to collect evidence of the woman's "unacceptable" behavior. They also contacted police after the incident, sharing the video and the woman's license plate number, but no charges were filed. The racist woman has since been identified as Amber Elizabeth Hensley, a Donald Trump supporter (duh) according to her social media, which has since been deleted. Yesterday, she reportedly "apologized" in a Facebook post, before deactivating her account. Here's her "apology," in which she claims the women had parked too close to her car, called her a "fat bitch" and said "fuck JESUS" (which the women have vehemently denied), KVRR reports, "I would first like to apologize for the horrible things that I said to the two ladies at Walmart. It was not a Christian like thing to do AT ALL and wish I could take it back, but I lost my cool and I can’t. I am terribly sorry. I just wish that the whole video could be shown. And the things that were stated before she starts taping. She had parked way too close to my car and I couldn’t get in, when I asked her to move she refused, I asked her again and she swore at me calling me a fat bitch, to that I informed her that I was a Christian and asked her if she knew who Jesus was, she said fuck JESUS and I lost it! But there are absolutely no excuses. I am in tears with regret and will take any form of punishment deemed fit." Part of that punishment will be having to find a new job, apparently. Hensley, from Mapleton, North Dakota, was reportedly let go this week after the incident went viral. "Horab & Wentz does not agree with or support the statements expressed by Amber Hensley in the recently posted video," said a statement from the Fargo accounting firm where she used to work as a secretary, emailed to KVRR. "Ms. Hensley is no longer employed with Horab & Wentz effective immediately." Hassan told the "West Fargo Pioneer" that she shared the video in order to show people the kinds of abuse she experiences "every day" as a Muslim American. "I wanted everyone to see what happens to us every day," she said. "I was so scared."
They say that children are our future. Well, this is what we have to look forward to... According to BuzzFeed News, a 14-year-old named Kaley was talking to a friend about how attractive she found a member of the K-pop group BTS to be, and offhandedly said, "He’s so beautiful I could shove a hammer in my mouth." Well, her friend called her bluff on that, and so Kaley doubled down and actually shoved a hammer in her mouth. There was only one problem: she couldn't get the hammer out. STOP. Hammer time...

Geez, talk about a hammerhead (I have hammer puns for days, people). Luckily, Kaley managed to remove the hammer after about 10 minutes of trying to wriggle it out (and didn't knock any of her teeth out in the process). Nailed it. Hey, I am glad she managed to remove the hammer, but you probably aren't the sharpest tool in the shed if you are eating hammers in the first place.
On Thursday, the official White House Twitter account... not to be confused with the headline-making machine @RealDonaldTrump... tweeted the following. See if you can figure out what's going on...

No, the White House didn't turn President Donald Trump into an all knowing, god-blessed deity. At least, not on purpose. The tweet should have had quotes around it. The White House was merely quoting Donald Trump, who was speaking on Thursday at a ceremony for first responders to the shooting of Congressman Scalise. Of course, without the quotation marks and even a hint of context. Grammar is important, everyone, even if it's not presidential.
Hillary Clinton, the woman who won the popular vote in the 2016 Presidential election, has written a memoir scheduled to be released September 12th. The book is aptly titled "What Happened?" According to a release from the publisher Simon & Schuster, the book will cover what it was like for Clinton to run against Donald Trump. It'll also detail the "shocking and devastating loss" Clinton endured, and how she "found the strength to pick herself back up afterward." In the book's introduction, Clinton writes, “In the past, for reasons I try to explain, I’ve often felt I had to be careful in public, like I was up on a wire without a net. Now I’m letting my guard down.” Oh yeah, Hillary's about to get real. Clinton spoke at a conference in May in Rancho Palos Verdes, California, where she said, “I take responsibility for every decision I made, but that’s not why I lost." In May, Clinton also spoke at a Women for Women International event in New York, where she said that had the election been held on October 27th, she would be president. She explained, "I take absolute personal responsibility. I was the candidate, I was the person who was on the ballot. I am very aware of the challenges, the problems, the shortfalls that we had." But she went on to say that she was "on the way to winning until a combination of Jim Comey's letter on October 28th and Russian WikiLeaks raised doubts in the minds of people who were inclined to vote for me and got scared off." She added, "The reason I believe we lost were the intervening events in the last 10 days." It's strange how Hillary Clinton is still being blamed for losing the election, and how angry people get when she tries to include any other factors into her loss besides her own apparent unlike ability. Is she just not supposed to talk about the letter former FBI head James Comey sent to Congress 11 days before the election that said the investigation into her emails was being reopened? So basically, that's what It's still worth reading the book, though.
Question: When you've been cast out by your peers, left a laughingstock, and have nowhere else to turn, where do you go? Answer: "Dancing with the Stars." Sean Spicer, the dearly departed former White House Press Secretary, has allegedly been courting multiple officers in the few days since he resigned from his role. He could use this time to write a book, or become a cable news talking head, or try to reverse some of the damage he's done while working for the Trump Administration. Instead, it looks like he may be heading to ABC's powerhouse of mediocre contestants and high ratings, "Dancing with the Stars." According to the "New York Post," Spicer has met with executives from ABC. “That has legs,” said an anonymous source who knows the details of the meetings. The good news here is that Spicer only has to last two episodes to beat the last embattled politician to appear on "DWTS," Rick Perry.
Hey, it's Sunday... instead of doing this blog thing I should be chilling and listening to this record...

That's fucking scary. I just mentioned Hillary Clinton's new book "What Happened?" Well, she has another new book that is coming out as well...

Disney, the greatest company to work for ever, likes to experiment with the look of their characters and try different things sometimes. Foe example, take this original look on some of the characters from Hunchback of Notre Dame...

See what I mean? Ever go to Goodwill? I have only been there once but I might go there again if they sell this there...

Wait. I just realized what that was. Never mind. Hahahahahahaha. Helps if I do better research before  set up a joke, right? Moving on... If you are thinking about cheating on your loved one you might wan an think twice when you see this...

Damn! A few weeks ago I told you about when Kellyanne Conway held some signs up on Fox News. Well, bless her heart, she did it again. Hahaha.

Ever get a note from your neighbor that wasn't nice? I have never, but someone did...

Hmmm. One thing you might know about me is that I like following the rules. But some people just take it a little bit too far...

Once in the while my car gets dirty, but it has never been this dirty...

Hahaha. Okay, so, in the past I have shown you bathing suits and bikinis you might see at the beach r pool this summer. Well...

Once again, I have a LOT of questions... This the half man-thong actually has a name: it's called a String Latéral Flash Bleu and it is made by a company called Alter. You can purchase the cock sock (because that's pretty much all it is) from the French underwear website Inderwear. But, please, do yourself (and me) a favor and don't! Hahaha. So, I like to think I'm a pretty lucky guy, some some people just have all the luck. So, once again, here is someone that is...

Today's award goes to Steve Bannon, because he might be more limber than he appears. More surprising than John McCain doing the right thing, this week we learned that Steve Bannon has a special skill: auto-fellatio. In an absolutely unhinged, presumably coke-fueled interview with "The New Yorker," White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci communicated...

Please take a minute to enjoy seeing this quote in official "New Yorker" style. Sure, while this may be a figure of speech, it also may not be, and now this image is not only seared into our brains but has been entered into the annals of history.

If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. And now for some sad news...

Barbara Sinatra 
October 16th, 1927 — July 25th, 2017
Before she married Frank, she was married to Zeppo. The least popular Marx brother. Quite a life you led there, Barb.

Are you a lazy person? If so, I bet you are not as lazy as this person...

So, are you going on a date soon or back to work tomorrow? You wanna seem intelligent? Well, I am here to help poi with that. So, once again it's. just the...

Phact 1: Researchers from Texas State University ran out of funds while studying the 17th century pirate Captain Morgan and attempting to retrieve artifacts from his sunken ships off the coast of Panama. None other than the Captain Morgan rum company granted them money to continue their work.
Phact 2: Each Oscar Award loser receives a consolation bag of goodies. Last year's "goodie bag" was worth $45,000 to $48,000. It was full of odd items ranging from condoms to Windex, holidays to maple syrup and beauty products.
Phact 3: There is a large stinging shrub native to Australia called the Gympie Gympie that produces a neurotoxin so painful, it has driven people and animals to suicide. The pain has been described as being sprayed with hot acid and electrocuted at the same time. A man was reported to have shot himself using the shrub's leaves as toilet paper.
Phact 4: Leonardo DiCaprio was named Leonardo because his pregnant mother was looking at a Leonardo da Vinci's painting in a museum in Italy when DiCaprio first kicked.
Phact 5: In 1994, NBA MVP Hakeem Olajuwon released a thirty-five dollar sneaker instead of endorsing shoes from Nike or Reebok because "how can a poor working mother with three boys buy Nikes or Reeboks that costs $120? She can't. So kids steal these shoes from stories and from other kids. Sometimes they kill for them." Stephon Marbury did the same in 2006 and released his brand for just fifteen dollars.

Another Saturday, another weekend morning Twitter rant from President Donald Trump. Do you think he does these with a full mug of coffee and a plate of uneaten pancakes next to him? That's how I imagine it. ANYWAY, this time, Trump is trying to change the rules of the United States Senate. Yes, via the Internet. The Senate currently requires that 60 senators, or three-fifths of the Senate, agree to end debate and move on to vote on a particular measure. This process in known as invoking cloture, per CNN. (Once the measure has actually moved on to a vote, though, it only needs 51 votes to pass.) In Trump's tweet storm, he called this 60 vote rule "A JOKE!" He then said that Republicans in the Senate can't get anything done unless they totally change the rules, and that "They look like fools and are just wasting time." He blamed the fact that his administration can't get any bills passed on eight Democrats who supposedly "control the U.S. Senate." He wrapped up by saying that if Democrats ever needed to change the rules, they would, and that they are laughing at Republicans. "MAKE CHANGE!" the president demanded from his Twitter account. That'll show 'em.

Emoji are small icons used to express the emotional spectrum of feeling too lazy to think of something to say.

Today's pheatured guest is a Phile Alum and author of "The Fly King," the 63rd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. She also has a brand new EP out called "Curse On Me" by her band Karling and the Kadavers. Please welcome back to the Phile... Karling Abbeygate.

Me: Hey, Karling, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?

Karling: I'm doing great thanks!

Me: Last time you were here was for the Christmas entry in 2011. That's to long ago. I should of had you back sooner. You have been busy in that time though, right?

Karling: Oh my God yes! I've had all kinds of life changes since then. I would say since the Christmas album I've been more busy than ever before. And with all kinds of new things I'd never expected!

Me: You're originally from England, right, but now live in L.A.? When did you originally move?

Karling: I moved from England over 15 years ago. We live in L.A. but are planning a move to Rosarito Beach, Mexico! At least for a while.

Me: Do you go back to England at all?

Karling: Yes, I try to go back once a year.

Me: I am originally from England and now love here in Florida. I haven't been back over there since 2007... I have no idea when or IF I ever go back. Anyway, what made you decide to move from England?

Karling: Well, it was an accident really. My ex was a photographer and so we both got a job on cruise ships for several years. We got off the ship in Florida (which is a coincidence) and decided to stay. From there we moved to Vegas we split up. I moved to Portland, then L.A.

Me: I read your house is kinda crazy... and if I ever went to California I don't think I would visit you at your place. You have horror props, circus memorabilia and an assortment of creatures like snakes, bats, roaches and stuff. What. The Fuck? Okay, I don't know where to start. First of, have you always been into these kinda things?

Karling: Yes I have! I've always loved the weird and wonderful. I'm very passionate about animals although they are a lot of work. Frogs and spiders are strangely endearing.

Me: I don't like scary stuff and horror movies, but I did read "The Fly King" which we will talk about in a minute. So, you like scary movies? Do you like modern scary movies or older movies?

Karling: I like all scary movies as long as they're good. The older ones seem to be more scary, though. I'm not a huge fan of CGI. Sometimes a closeup on the doorknob turning and squeaking can be more scary than a whole bunch of special effects.

Me: What is the scariest movie you have ever seen, Karling?

Karling: The scariest movie that comes to mind is actually a thriller sci-fi movie called Dark Skies. We've watched it several times and it is really terrifying. It leaves you feeling very helpless, and thinking, that's not far fetched at all!!

Me: What kind of horror items do you have?

Karling: Johnny, my fiancé, is really the person who has collected all the strange items in our house. I'd like to take credit, but my horror has always been in my head. He expresses it visually so you can imagine, it's pretty scary here at times! We have all types of old creepy puppets, strange items that doctors used to use. Even a "Hotel Vacancy" sign were a murder took place. It still has dried blood droplets on it! Many of these things are haunted.

Me: Where do you find such stuff?

Karling: It seems to be attracted to us. People literally drop things off outside that they are scared of. Other things come from movie sets, estate sales...

Me: Okay, so circus memorabilia... what kind? Circuses are kinda going away, right? What do you think of Ringling & Barnum shutting down? I bet they'll be tons of circus stuff for sale now.

Karling: Yes, I'm sad about that. Johnny was in the circus for a while. There's just something about it that is darkly magical. And, I haven't mentioned this yet, but we just rented a place in Mexico for a year, and the first thing we saw is the Mexican Circus is in town, so we will be going to that next weekend!

Me: I heard collecting circus stuff is in-tents. Hahahahahahaha. Sorry. Moving on... okay, I am dreading asking this question... are the animals and creatures you have real?

Karling: Yes, they are very real. It's almost a full time job just trying to feed them all.

Me: Do you name them?

Karling: Yes, everyone is named, although they can be a little generic sometimes. The rats we just call the "kitchen rats" because they live on top of the fridge. They get lots of tidbits that way, too.

Me: Is it expensive to feed them?

Karling: It can be quite expensive. Snakes don't eat all the time, but we have a pixie frog that eats constantly. And a flower horn fish called CHUD who also eats constantly.

Me: I have a betta fish named Finn. That's how far I'll go. You do have a cute cat though. What's her name?

Karling: That would be StarBaby. But an interesting story. We had a beautiful siamese kitten that went missing 3 years ago. We think she was stolen. We searched and searched for her but she was totally gone. Anyway, Just a week or so ago we got a call while we were bringing stuff into our Mexican place, and I almost didn't pick up the phone. I did however, and it was the AVID chip people. They had found Lily our kitten. We drove all the way back to L.A., and picked her up. What a reunion it was, too!! She remembered us instantly and went into a purring and rubbing fit.

Me: That's crazy! Okay, you have a boyfriend now and he has a cool name... Johnny Tong. I hope he doesn't mind your creatures. Is he a musician?

Karling: He is learning guitar, but he's much more of a visual person. He's in charge of costumes, and set design, choreography, magic illusions, etc.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your new EP real quick, Karling. By the way, I always loved your name... it's very original. Does it have a meaning? I am sure I asked you that before.

Karling: Thank you. Strangely enough I was named after an American lady who was my mothers friend. I thought there would be plenty of Karlings in the U.S.A., but when I got here, I couldn't find any. As for a meaning, I don't know. There is a very famous beer in England called Carling Black Label. So I got teased about that growing up...

Me: When I think of your name I think of that beer as well. You have a new EP out called "Curse On Me" and it's by your new band Karling & the Kadavers. That's a great name. Who are the Kadavers, Karling?

Karling: Right now, it's a rotating set of musicians. We're trying to mold this into something rather different. Much more theatrical. I think it's wasted stage time to only stand there and play. There's a lot more that can be done with all the senses, not just sound. I want people to walk away really WOWED!

Me: Are they guys you worked with before?

Karling: We recorded the EP at Funeral Studios. It's owned by a great bass player called Gator. He played bass and some guitar. Fuse and Wats played lead guitar and Bermuda Schwartz played drums. We had a great time recording.

Me: So, describe your new music to the readers... I really like it. You are very creative with your sound.

Karling: Thank you. I really wanted to paint dark stories for the listener, yet keeping it very psychobilly and upbeat. It's a great juxtapose to tell a dark story to upbeat music. I really enjoy it.

Me: Did you write the songs on the EP?

Karling: Yes, I wrote them.

Me: Are you and the band coming out with more music?

Karling: For sure. After living in in Mexico for a while I think I'll have a lot of good tales to tell.

Me: One of the songs on the EP is "Ruby." Who is that song about?

Karling: It's about a woman who becomes a vampire. She starts off very bored with her man and the boondocks where she lives so she leaves home. But on that night as she passes the graveyard, there's a vampire waiting for her.

Me: I like the artwork on the EP cover, which I will show here.

Me: Who drew that, Karling?

Karling: Thank you. Yes I think it captured the essence of the EP. It's by an artist called Screamin' Demons in England.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your book "The Fly King" which is the 63rd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Like I said I don't like scary things but I still read the book, and I made sure I read it in the day time. I'm a pussy. It was well written, and did scare me a few times. How long did it take you to write, Karling?

Karling: I wrote it over a spread out period of time, so it's hard to tell. It took about a year to edit though!

Me: Tell the readers what the book is about.

Karling: It's about Rachel and her brother, and how they are intertwined with the Fly King. I don't want to give away the plot, but I will say that it's a pretty epic horror story. It's not all blood and gore. I believe it's more subtle and character driven, but scary in a deeper way. There's still a lot of blood in it though, LOL.

Me: So, are any of the characters... Rachel, Gavin, Magdalena based on real people?

Karling: Yes, they are all based loosely on people I know.

Me: How did you come up with the character names, Karling? Magdalena is a very unusual name.

Karling: I always likes that name. I knew a German lady with that name, and since this character was born in Germany, it worked perfectly.

Me: So, when you write a novel, do you sit down and know what you're gonna write right away or do you sit and then see where the story takes you?

Karling: I might plan out some aspects but not much. I prefer to see if I can channel it... it usually comes out better than something I could plan out.

Me: I have to write an outline for everything I write for this blog. So, when and how did you come up with the idea for "The Fly King"?

Karling: I actually spent about 6 months in Klickitat, Washington, which is where the story is based and where I wrote a great portion of the book. I was there with my engineer and partner Donnie Whitbeck mixing an album we had recorded. We used an old school bus as a studio that was right next to the river. Just like in the book. So a lot of it came from the strange situation I found myself in. The cabin we stayed in was initially full of flies. I was left alone a lot of the time while he was mixing the CD (Room 13) and felt inspired to write. So it just kinda came out of me...

Me: So, do you have any other books in mind? Will they'll be more "The Fly King" books?

Karling: Right now Johnny and I are writing a screenplay. It's going to be fantastic. I'm very excited about it. It's not a horror, but it's a true story about a female medical genius who was top of a controversial field of medicine and destroyed by the medical association. I can't give away too much yet, but it's a true little known story.

Me: Cool. So, can you see the book being turned into a movie? Would you act in it?

Karling: I can totally see "The Fly King" being a movie. I'd like to act in it if it was done independently, but if Winona Ryder wanted the part, it's hers! LOL.

Me: Do you picture in your head who you would cast for the characters?

Karling: Winona for Rachel, the rest I'm not sure. I think there's many actors that would get a kick out of playing these characters. Glenn Close would be great as Magdalena.

Me: This was your first novel, right? One thing I was impressed about was his thick the book is... that's pretty impressive.

Karling: Thanks. I got very involved in it...

Me: Hey, I interviewed someone you know a few times... drummer Bermuda Schwartz. How did you meet him, Karling?

Karling: I met him through a mutual guitar player friend Bob Gother.

Me: Alright, so, what's next for you, Karling? Anything cool lined up?

Karling: We are going to be doing an east coast book tour to promote "The Fly King" through October. I'm very excited about that I love the east coast in the fall.

Me: You need to visit Florida with Johnny and we'll go to Disney. Do you like to travel?

Karling: Yes, I love to travel. I've traveled all my life, and Johnny loves it too, so we'll be all over the place. Mexico is just the start.

Me: Alright, go ahead and plug your websites and anything else you wanna. I wish you lots of luck and I hope you'll come back on the Phile soon. Keep being creative, my dear. 

Karling: Thank you, Jason!,,

Me: Good job, Karling. Take care.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Karling for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Desert Tundra. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker