Friday, November 28, 2008

I Only Support Gay Marriage If Both Chicks Are Hot

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, back from vacation after two weeks. How was your Thanksgiving? Did you grab your cell phone, wait until you can use your free night time minutes, call your parents, put them on speaker, gather your kids around the table, and dug into your delicious Thanksgiving Whopper. Happy New Depression! So, for vacation we went to California. The first few nights we stayed at Disneyland before we realized wait a minute, we live near and I work at Disney, so what are we doing here, and moved to Hollywood. Okay, that's a lie, I almost punched out a lifeguard, then we moved to Hollywood. In Hollywood we stayed at the Beverly Hills Hotel in a bungalow none-the-less. I could never stay in a Marriott fucking Courtyard or Holiday Inn again. There were a few celebrities spotted: Martina... whatever the lesbian tennis player's last name is, Stanley Tucci and Jamie Foxx. Oh, and myself when I looked in the mirror. We ate a few times at the Polo Lounge which was mint, with a large hole in the middle. Only English readers would get that joke by the way. While we were in California, there was bad news for any gay Californians (i.e. all of them) who want to get married: Proposition 8, a proposal banning same-sex marriage, was recently approved. As if that wasn't bad enough, there's even more bad news for gay Californians: you're fucking gay! Ann Dunwoody, an Army lieutenant general, has become the first woman in US history to become a four-star general. I know you're curious, so I'll tell you. One star for cooking, one for cleaning, one for birthin', and one for foot massaging. Congratulations, Ann. Keep reaching for that glass ceiling, ladies! But mop the floor first. Today is Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, and with Christmas just a few weeks away, stores are gearing up for the upcoming shopping season. And the hot toy for this Christmas season is: your child's imagination! Sorry, Little Billy, but it looks like Santa forgot to protect daddy's 401K. In case you didn’t hear, the economy is having a going-out-of-business sale right now. The Dow is now dropping so frequently, they’ve decided to add an “n” at the end of it for “down” and just call it a day.  That movie Twilight is out, which is not to be confused with my movie, Twit. According to statistics, Mexican emigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last four years. You have to hand it to President Bush. He knew the way to stop people from sneaking in was not to build a fence, it was to make this country very undesirable. Most of the illegal immigrants came here to make money, but now we don’t have any money. That’s bad news for Los Angeles, though. If this trend continues, we may be forced to start raising our own kids. Barack Obama announced his economic team, and President Bush is working closely with him. Obama says the team has many obstacles to overcome — the biggest one being that President Bush is working with them. Joe Biden’s replacement in the Senate has been picked. That’s a pretty big mouth to fill. The astronauts are busy installing a machine that converts urine into drinking water. Is the economy really that bad?  Hey, did you see that new balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: the John McCain balloon — it never gets off the ground.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's to ten list.
Top Ten Signs the Guy You're Dating is James Bond 
10. Instead of breakng up with you, he ejects you.
9. He yells out another girl's codename in bed.
8. He has an unusual fear of round hats.
7. Turns into a completely different guy after three or four dates.
6. He receives a ticket for carrying an expired license to kill. 
5. Breakfast? Vodka martini.
4. He can drop his pants and fire a rocket!
3. Insists on using his "special gadgets" in the bedroom.
2. Tells you for chafing try Bond, Gold Bond.
And the number one sign the guy you're dating is James Bond...
1. Tries to show you his Goldfinger.


Preacher Roe: Amen.
Herb Score: Final.
Mitch Mitchell: Looks like they finally got the old band back together.
Pete Newell: In the final days, he was quite the dribbler himself.
William Gibson: You want a miracle? How about the fact that they guy smoked cigars constantly from the time he was 15, and lived to be 94?


A Fort Pierce man faces a domestic-battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich. Police said 19-year-old Emmanuelle Rodriguez was riding with his girlfriend on Friday when he became angry as she drove and hit her in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off. The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and Rodriguez then ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield, police said. Rodriguez is free on $7,500 bail. Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved. 


A fire at the sleazy Cocoanut Grove nightclub, Boston, kills 491 people. Flammable artificial palm trees aided the spread of the fire. The numerous dead were crushed, burnt, and asphyxiated, all within minutes.
Frank Olson, government scientist, jumps to his death from the Statler Hotel in New York City. In 1975 it is revealed that Olson had been administered LSD by Dr. Sidney Gottlieb in a CIA experiment.
A drunk Natalie Wood topples off her yacht near Catalina Island and drowns. Her husband Robert Wagner, and melodramatic friend Christopher Walken, were onboard and unaware of her predicament, apparently having some sort of argument in the cabin.
Homosexual cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer beaten to death with a broomstick by inmate Christopher Scarver while cleaning the prison bathroom. Dahmer's brain was to be preserved in formaldehyde at the request of Mom, but a court ordered its destruction in late 1995.


Q: What's the difference between a professional cornhusker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery? A: We,, one shucks between fits...
Q: Why doesn't Mrs. Claus have any children? A: Because Santa only comes once a year, and then it's down a chimney.
Q: How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Midgets don't use light bulbs; they have night vision.


Insane Versions of Thanksgiving Around the World
We all know and love Thanksgiving, our happy way to celebrate the subjugation and destruction of a race of indigenous peoples via eating turkey and mashed potatoes. But underneath all the stories, Thanksgiving is just America's own brand of weird brand of harvest holiday. And, just in case you thought we were the only peoples world wide who enjoyed such things, behold the other, much more awesome harvest fests that our international friends enjoy, like...
Sankranthi: Our foolish Western Thanksgiving has nothing on Sankranthi and never will until the day we stop eating the turkeys and start dressing them up like stereotypically flamboyant homosexuals. That's what Indians do with cows during this festival that celebrates the beginning of their harvest season. In order to celebrate the new growing season in an "Out with the old, In with the new" attitude, womenfolk cook up a pantload of sugary goodies while every piece of old shit you own is tossed on a fire to teach it a lesson for getting old and useless. So if you value sugar cookies more than all of your material possessions and grandparents, you might have a new favorite holiday in Sankranthi. You also have some pretty profound mental issues that should probably be dealt with. Cows and bulls are decorated to look about as tacky as livestock can ever hope to look and are paraded from house to house where they are forced to "demonstrate their skills." Since the only real "skills" we've noticed in cows involve "eating," "farting" and "being delicious," we can't imagine this ceremony is at all interesting. To further demonstrate their boundless awesomeness, once the sun goes down bonfires are lit and the cows are forced to jump over them. This may seem strange, but you have to remember that cows are sacred, and not to be eaten. If we couldn't eat cows, we'd probably make them do some pretty weird shit too.
Holi: Like any good festival to celebrate the harvesting of the summer crop, Holi traces its roots back to a demon king. This particular demon, angry at his son for worshipping Vishnu, tried to set him on fire and instead burned his sister. Presumably, everyone in attendance stared at the floor in an awkward silence until some enterprising young soul said "Welp, might as well party." Thus, Holi was born. Nowadays, various peoples in India, Nepal and elsewhere celebrate Holi, the Festival of Colors, by hanging pots of buttermilk above the street so that children can form human pyramids to try to break them. Lest you think it's as simple as that, it should be noted that girls will also be throwing colored water at them at the same time. It's sort of like a wet t-shirt contest, but with children, and the water is full of dangerous chemicals, and everybody loses. That's part of what makes Holi the Festival of Colors, the prevalence of colored waters, pastes and powders which regular folks just seem to toss at each other all willy nilly. And while it only seems like a minor annoyance to have someone throw a pot of red or blue water on you, when you factor in that some of the ingredients used in the modern colors (like asbestos) can cause renal failure, blindness and various cancers, it hardly seems worth it to bust open a pot of buttermilk and be named the King of Holi.
Green Corn Festival: This cleverly named festival was and is observed by various American Indian tribes to celebrate the ripening of a new crop of corn (or, as they called it, "maize"). The festival marks a renewal of things and past offenses are forgiven, with the exception of things like rape, murder and attending Wayans brothers movies, all of which are banishable offenses in the eyes of the Green Corn Festival (or, "Green Maize Festival"). These American Indians celebrate autumn a little bit differently than we do. While we feast like epic fatties and let our children pick pumpkins and run around the corn maze (or, Maize Maze), the village's men-folk traditionally start a fast on the first night of the festival and then maybe some do ceremonial blood-letting on the next day, so they'll be nice and miserable. For the party. This is carried out by raking thorn covered sticks down their backs or, if they were feeling particularly festive, snake fangs embedded in a wooden holder. A major part of the festival involves drinking something called the Black Drink after the fast, a tea made from ilex vomitoria. If you don't know what "ilex" and "oria" mean, that's fine- you still probably have a pretty good idea for what this drink does. The idea was to drink the tea then spray the remaining contents of your stomach across the ground in an effort to purify yourself of sins. Maybe we're just corny (maizey), but we'd prefer sitting around a table with our family to wandering around puking on a bunch of strangers and beating the shit out of ourselves any day of the week.


As of last Sunday, we’re down to just four teams and three episodes left on "The Amazing Race 13", and that means just one thing: it’s time for the teams to get stupider. Starr made Nick a t-shirt that said “today is my birthday.” Thanks for the t-shirt that’s wearable only one day out of the year! Guess which team this super-creepy statement came from? (Hint: It’s not Nick and Starr, Andrew and Dan, or Ken and Tina.) “She’s the number-one person in my life, and I want her to know that I’ll do anything it takes to win this race for her.” Starr said Dallas is “a pretty incredible man.” Nick apparently thinks so, too: “Starr’s romantic history has been riddled with guys who take the back seat to Starr’s forceful nature, and I think Dallas is the kind of guy that can hold is own with her.” If you say so, Nick. The frat boys idiotically left their shoes behind during the last leg of the race, so they were wearing slippers; “we jacked them from the maid,” one of them said. Even if they just got slippers, isn’t that still illegal? Incredibly, there was a 24 hour shoe store in the airport. In Kazakhstan. Some people accuse producers of interfering to create drama, and I’m going to call bullshit on this one: I’m pretty sure a team of interns came in overnight and set up that shoe store, and then set exorbitantly high prices for ugly shoes to maximize the drama during the rest of the leg. Every time Ken blows his cab/rape whistle, I can’t help but laugh, and I don’t know why. In Moscow, Starr asked the cab driver, “Do you speak English?” The cab driver said no in Russian, and shook his head vigorously. Starr immediately said, “Okay, here’s where we’re going.” Nick said, “Do you know where this is?” Starr continually issued commands and asked questions in English, and said things like “can’t understand you!” even after she admitted, “our driver does not speak any English.” I get how frustrating it can be to try to speak with someone who speaks a different language, but they didn’t appear to try non-verbal communication or anything else. I think it maybe Nick and Starr who don’t understand English, because “does not speak any English” means that he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YOU SAY TO HIM IN ENGLISH. Zhopa! Tina wanted to change into a military uniform in private, asking, “have to get naked in front of everybody?” Ken said, “You have nothing under there?” “Nuh-uh,” she replied. Way to be prepared.
Dan and Andrew may be the worst clue-reading team in race history. Andrew couldn’t get his sock substitute on, so they decided to switch Detour tasks—and even though the uniform was a required part of both tasks, they changed out of their clothes. Then they had to come back and put their uniforms back on. To their credit, they realize how stupid they’re being. “Dan and I have made more dumb mistakes,” Andrew said. “A compilation video needs to be made of all our mistakes throughout the race.” Um, that’s already been done; it’s called "The Amazing Race 13". Nick and Starr didn’t comment on the camouflage uniforms they had to put on, perhaps because they’re identical to the clothes they wear every day. The woman supervising the Roadblock at the bakery handled mocking everyone for us. First she yelled at Dallas for placing the bags on the ground incorrectly and told him to read his instructions. And when Nick started, she declared, “He’s not fit.” “That is studly,” Andrew said of Dan, who was carrying big bags of flour. “When one part of his arm or upper body would get sore, he’d find another place to put the bag and bring it in,” Andrew explained. Apparently, the editors cut that alternate carrying method out of the show; too much blurring would have been required. “What a pain in the ass,” Starr said about their new cab and driver. I’m not sure, but I think that’s what her cab drivers were saying in Russian. Dallas and Toni checked in first, and ruined the moment by nearly kissing on the mouth. At the pit stop, Andrew and Dan stiffed their cab driver, as they had little money thanks to their shoe purchase. Dan tried to barter his shoes, but the driver wanted cash; eventually, he took the little money they had and threw his cigarette butt onto Dan. I really like Russian people. Still, Andrew and Dan weren’t eliminated, as they were saved by the second—and very predictable—non-elimination leg. The real highlight of the episode, however, came earlier, when Dan attempted the Detour challenge. It involved marching with Russian soldiers, which Dan could not do. “My motor skills and coordination are definitely some of my poorer attributes,” he said. “I have no rhythm.” But it wasn’t that; it was that his limbs moved as if someone had severed part of his spine. Like, I really think he needs to have this checked out, because if he thinks he was doing anything close to what the other soldiers were doing, there’s something seriously wrong.


We've reached the climax of this volume of "Heroes". With the coming of the eclipse the first time, abilities manifested in our plethora of characters, or at least some of them. Or at least it was a catalyst of some importance. Now Claire is apparently a catalyst of some importance. Because the writers aren't sure how to make her anything other than kind of annoying, but she's the "hot chick" so they have to keep her. But that's another issue. It's time for another eclipse, and this time what havoc will it wreak? Maybe it can make Peter whine less. Or Claire be less useless of a character. Or Matt more important of a character. Or Mohinder go back to normal or just die already. Things were definitely turned sideways this episode, and I think it was in a good way. I know all they naysayers will keep saying nay, many of them doing so without even watching the episodes (which makes their opinions irrelevant), but things are getting on track. Now if they can just avoid a disappointing conclusion to this volume, I'll be thrilled powerless.
It did get some people to put out there some of the feelings we've all been feeling for awhile. Peter was able to yell at Nathan for being a pawn of his father, and everyone really. Nathan was able to yell at Peter for being a bitch. And Noah yelled at Claire for being a big baby. She's been acting like a spoiled brat all season and he totally called her on it. But then she went and got all sentimental and took a bullet for daddy, so it's back to love love. When the eclipse hit and everybody lost their abilities, it came down to their personalities and inner strength to drive the plotlines. We got a chance to see how much we would or wouldn't like everybody if they were just themselves and we had to consider them all as regular people. As it turns out, many of them relied on their abilities as a crutch, like Sylar and Elle, who were easily handled by Noah single-handedly, unless you want to count a blonde bodyshield as assistance. The whole thing was so touchy-feely, from Noah and Claire's bonding moments to Matt's mushy cliche-ridden speech to Daphne to that ending with Sylar saying that he can damn well take what he wants when he wants and planting one right on Veronica Mars' kisser. We even had a feel good moment when Mohinder plopped out of his disgusting cocoon and looked more like the guy we used to like way back in Season One. If ever there was a time to take down Arthur Petrelli, this is it. Unfortunately, a guy like Mohinder isn't going to be able to because he's kind of a wimp and Arthur's sons are trapped in Haiti for the time being. Elle and Sylar have a lot more on their hands than each other with HRG right outside the window and the rest of the gang is stuck in Lawrence, KS. Presumably powers will return, because they haven't changed the name of the show to Humans, but it may not be until after the eclipse passes, and then Arthur's would return, too. It was fun seeing Breckin Meyer and Seth Green as the comic shop proprieters, and the play with the 9th Wonders comic cover mimicking real life. I genuinely have no idea where they're going to go from here with any of these plotlines, and for that I'm genuinely glad. If Claire died from her wounds, I wouldn't be horribly upset but then maybe I'm a cold-hearted bastard. A nice ass and toned abs only gets you so far in my book. Her character has oeen the object of some other subject since day one. She's always someone else's goal, rather than significant in her own right. Makes her kind of hard to root for as an individual. I am hoping her mom shows up soon, though, and holds up her hand to show off her cool flame and then looks even stupider than usual when nothing happens.


Former Fox executive Jeff Katz is praising X-Men Origins: Wolverine to the heavens -- or at least to MTV's Splash Page. He thinks Wolverine's solo movie will be his finest hour (or two) yet, and insists that everyone involved has a perfect grasp on the character. "To me and [Hugh] Jackman, our mantra for Wolverine has really been one term: 'bad-ass.' As long as Wolverine is consistently bad-ass, people are generally going to go with you. That's what they want from that character. Iron Man comes out and it does a tremendous business, Batman comes out and it does a tremendous business, and the inclination in the movie biz a lot of the time is, 'Well, that thing just worked, so we have to chase that. But as comics people know, Batman is not Iron Man is not Superman is not Wolverine - they're all different." Call me infatuated, but I don't doubt Jackman's take on the character, and I fervently hope all claims of darkness, grit, and violence come to pass. My concern has always been how many mutants they crammed into a Wolverine film that are, as Katz puts it, "fanboy friendly" and poised for sequels of their own. Deadpool is one thing, but Gambit and Emma Frost are another. What does wind me up, though, are the possible plans Katz was privy to for future Wolverine films. "I can't speak to what's been discussed in the interim since I've been gone, but Mr. Jackman certainly has a desire to go to Japan." And with that, Mr. Jackman, you just became my favorite person in geekdom. Let's get together sometime and talk a certain Frank Miller book, just for laughs.
Look for the first X-Men Origins: Wolverine trailer in front of The Day the Earth Stood Still in theaters December 12.


Bolt is a dog who has superpowers and saves his owner Penny from a variety of evildoers. Except that actually he doesn’t. He’s the star of a television program but he thinks it’s real. It’s The Truman Show but with a talking dog. So what happens when our hero accidentally gets shipped off to the non-backlot-and-non-craft-service-table-intensive world? Reality. But not the fake kind you see on reality TV shows. The real kind of reality. Well, as real as it can be when cartoon animals do all the talking. This is a movie about how the entertainment industry is what’s standing in the way of true self-actualization and decent, humble behavior and goodness. So to play your part in this ultimate game of “Gotcha!” please now go spend all your disposable income at the local multiplex for this double-edged sword of a kiddie movie and then take your spawn to the Disney Store afterward and buy them the talking Bolt plush toy for Christmas or their little hearts will be broken and you’ll be the one to blame. Got it? Now that the meta-tainment portion of this review is over, here are some answers to your questions: 1. No, John Travolta isn’t annoying at all. Lesson here: put him in a giant female fat suit and let him sing or keep him locked in a studio voicing an adorable doggie and nobody gets hurt. 2. Yes, it’s funny and sweet and worthy of the Disney name. That's no longer a given and has to be announced with it's true. Thankfully it's true here. 3. All the Hollywood insider jokes will go right over kids’ heads—and possibly some adults’ heads, too—but they don’t intrude so much that you find yourself wanting to cut your wrists. Sarcasm and irony are the bane of recent children’s films and this one keeps it way more in check than other recent offerings. 4. As usual, the sidekick animals steal the show. That tradition goes all the way back to those singing mice in Cinderella. Maybe even before then. Shameless Kid-Baiting, 101: MILEY CYRUS!!! But whatever. It's her time. In a few years it'll be someone else's. I was so happy to say even though it was in 3-D I didn't get a headache. Maybe it was because we sat in VIP seats at the El Capitan theater in Hollywood, or maybe it was that good. From 1 to 10, it gets a 10. And yes, I will get it on DVD.


Quantum of Solace
In the first ever direct Bond sequel, Daniel Craig returns as a royally pissed-off 007 on the hunt for the men behind the death of his Casino Royale love, Vesper Lynd. Quantum picks up exactly 20 minutes after Royale's closing shot, and eventually carries Bond—literally—to all corners of the globe. The typical sequel formula is "bigger equals better." Quantum ignores that. Knowing he can't top Casino Royale's massive set pieces, Forster instead focuses on fixing the few small problems with that Bond relaunch—namely, the down time between those set pieces. Casino dragged in parts, but Quantum never stops moving, jumping from action scene to action scene with jaw-dropping intensity (the fucking film opens with a car chase). If you think it skimps on story in the process, it doesn't. Instead of being told that Bond is slowly becoming the "Bond" we know and love, we see it happen before our eyes. Craig cements his reputation as the coolest, most formidable Bond ever, and the movie simply kicks ass. The only real complaint is that, as good as new villain Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric) is, the aftermath of his final confrontation with Bond is, not to spoil anything, a bit too ambiguous to be wholly satisfying. We get the movie's point (the shadow organization Bond is chasing is bigger and more shadowy than he could possibly know) and the explosive finale in the desert hotel is awesome, but we left feeling like we needed just a touch more. Casino made some stabs at it, but Quantum actually makes great use of Craig's sandpaper-dry sense of humor. There are a few good gags amid all the shooting, and they work well. And his "sit down" with Felix Leiter (a typically great Jeffrey Wright) undoes Leiter's years spent being a dunce to Bond's head of the class. I give it a 10, and if you have to ask if I'll get it on DVD... shame on you.


Man alive, that was the longest entry I ever did I think. I could never fit all that crap in on the old AOL Journals. The next entry of the Phile will be posted on December 5th, which is a Phriday. Until then spread the word, not the turd. Thanks or reading. Peace.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Give Up Already

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. So, what's new? Wednesday was Logan's 9th birthday. That's nine years he put up with me as a dad. Attention passengers: The Straight Talk Express is no longer in service.
I went to bed early — how did Ralph Nader do? Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Anybody mind if he starts a little early?" At the end of the night, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain — or as Fox News says, “too close to call.” History was made. That’s right, John McCain stayed up past 11 p.m. After Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called him and promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. When he heard this, Obama said, “Thanks — but you’ve done enough.” All of the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 o’clock — except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago. The city of Chicago was so excited about Obama’s win that hundreds of thousands of people turned out for his victory rally. There was an awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said “Proud to be Muslim” and screamed, “Suckers!" People all over the world are celebrating Obama’s victory. Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house. Sen. John McCain’s concession speech was beautiful. It was dignified, and it was classy. And I think the reason for that is he didn’t let Palin say anything. If not for the first ever African-American president, be happy for the first vice president with hair plugs. President Bush called Barack Obama to congratulate him. He said, “What an awesome night for you and your family.” I think his eloquence is what we’ll remember most about Bush. Obama thanked Bush for his call and for all he did to help Obama get elected. Now that the election is over, Barack Obama is busy putting together his presidential Cabinet. John McCain is busy putting together his medicine cabinet. Barack Obama says that the election results gave him a mandate. A man-date? That’s what got that Sen. Larry Craig in trouble. Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, “While I give you a tour, the girls can watch SpongeBob with the president.” In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand. Sources from the McCain campaign say that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. To be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska. Barack Obama was briefed today by the Treasury secretary on the economy. Afterwards, Obama called John McCain and offered him the presidency. Today, a reporter tried to pet President Bush’s dog, Barney, and it bit him. They’re saying they may have to put him down. No word yet on what they’ll do with Barney. Sarah Palin continues to entertain us. Reporters keep stories off the record when they travel with the candidates or they’ll get thrown off the plane, but once the campaign’s over, they come out. Fox News is reporting that Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, and she didn’t know what countries are in the North American Free Trade Agreement, which are just Canada the U.S. and Mexico . . . sounds a little like they’re talking about Jessica Simpson. The McCain camp was horrified at the amount she spent on clothes. They say that they told her to buy three suits for the convention and instead, she went out and bought more than $150,000 worth of stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in her mouth, she ruined $1,200 shoes. McCain aides described it as “the Wasilla hillbillies.”


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this Phriday's top ten list...
This is one for you, Jeff... Top Ten Signs You're Being Haunted By A Lazy Ghost
10. There seems to be a strong presence around the couch
9. You hear a voice saying, "Hey, would you mind rattling that chain by the door?"
8. Just leaves Post-It notes around the house saying "Boo!"
7. Hoists a banner proclaiming, "Haunting Accomplished"
6. Forgot to clean the pizza stain from his white sheet
5. Refuses to work the night shift
4. All attempts at scaring you are by text messages
3. Outsourced everything to the Boogie Man
2. Will only move towards the light if fridge door is open
And the number one sign you're dealing with a lazy ghost...
1. Lets "Joe the Ghost" do his haunting


Studs Terkel: He was a promising young writer, once upon a time, but his career reached a low point in the 1980s when he appeared in several beer commercials dressed as a dog.
Yma Sumac: Egayov nob, Amy Camus.
Jimmy Carl Black: He was the Indian of the group.
Michael Crichton: "Andromeda Strain" is actually the medical term for the process by which Mr. Crichton's bowels and colon would work in conjunction to produce a "novel." 


A Florida school board voted late Monday night to keep the name of a Confederate general and early Ku Klux Klan leader at a majority black high school, despite opposition from a black board member who said the school's namesake was a "terrorist and racist." After hearing about three hours of public comments, Duval County School Board members voted 5-2 to the retain the name of Nathan Bedford Forrest High School. The board's two black members cast the only votes to change the name. "(Forrest) was a terrorist and a racist," argued board member Brenda Priestly Jackson, who is black. Betty Burney, the board chairman and the board's other black member, also voted against retaining the name. "It is time to turn the page and get beyond where we are," she said. Board member Tommy Hazouri voted to keep the name and said it is difficult to know "who the real Forrest is." The board listened to passionate arguments from those on both sides. More than 140 people crowded into the meeting room, with another 20 watching the meeting on a television in the lobby. Many urged a name change, saying the Forrest name was an insult. "Nathan Bedford Forrest was part of the Ku Klux Klan, no matter how you put it. Nathan Bedford Forrest needs to be changed," said Stanley Scott, who is black. But several spoke favorably of the general, saying the perceptions that Forrest was an evil man who ordered the massacre of Union troops were incorrect. June Cooper, who graduated from Forrest in 1970, said some people wanted to wipe out Southern history. "He was a good man," said Cooper, who is White. "He was a military genius." Despite her opposition, the board's chairwoman noted that the intensely debated issue could distract from students' education and had even prompted one person to receive death threats for wanting the name changed. "The naming of a school should not take precedence over someone's life," she said. Some had suggested naming the school after the street it sits on, or honoring a graduate whose plane was shot down in 1991 over Iraq on the first night of Operation Desert Storm.

Forrest High School, which has received two consecutive "F" grades on state assessment tests, opened as an all-white school in the 1950s. Its name was suggested by the Daughters of the Confederacy, who saw it as a protest to the U.S. Supreme Court ruling that eventually integrated the nation's public schools. But now more than half Forrest High's students are black. The issue has come up several times during the past half-century, but the School Board has never changed the name. Jacksonville has three other schools named after Confederate generals, but it also has schools named after civil rights icons. Born poor in Chapel Hill, Tenn., in 1821, Forrest amassed a fortune as a plantation owner and slave trader, importing Africans long after the practice had been made illegal. At 40, he enlisted as a private in the Confederate army at the outset of the Civil War, rising to a cavalry general in a year. Some accounts accused Forrest of ordering black prisoners to be massacred after a victory at Tennessee's Fort Pillow in 1864, though historians question the validity of the claims. In 1867, the newly formed Klan elected Forrest its honorary Grand Wizard or national leader, but he publicly denied being involved. In 1869, he ordered the Klan to disband because of the members' increasing violence. Two years later, a congressional investigation concluded his involvement had been limited to his attempt to disband it. After his death in 1877, memorials to him sprung up throughout the South, particularly in Tennessee. A mounted statue of Forrest and the graves of the general and his wife are in a Memphis park bearing his name.


A man convicted of forgery is the last public hanging at London's Tyburn site, ending a gallows tradition begun in 1196.
The cargo ship Mary Celeste sails from New York, never reaching Genoa. Four weeks later it is found completely abandoned, whereabouts of the ten man crew unknown. The ship's cargo was alcohol, so you decide.
A ship from New Zealand brings the 1918 influenza epidemic to Western Samoa, killing 7542 -- about twenty percent of the population by the end of the year. Perhaps 20,000,000 people are killed from the epidemic globally, including half a million Americans.
The Pillsbury Doughboy makes its first appearance. It (we refer to the creature as "it"; marketing may call it a Doughboy but there is no evidence of genitals) has had a long and uneventful career, but the puffy pastry is now in serious trouble as he recently shit a croissant in front of god and everybody.
A bomb explodes inside the US Capitol building. The structure was damaged but there were no deaths or injuries.
Magic Johnson announces that he is an AIDS victim. Perhaps the basketball player's condition has something to do with his sleeping promiscuously with thousands of women.


The neurotic animals from the last Madagascar movie are back and still doing the same old thing. They aren’t even switching locations. The giraffe loses his fear, the hippo learns what true love means, the zebra understands individuality and the lion really gets deep into his whole Joseph Campbell hero’s journey thing. Just like he did last time. I expect part three will be called Madagascar: In Triplicate. I walked out of this movie during the closing credits and had a hard time remembering what I had just seen. It’s that generic and that much exactly like every single other computer-animated talking animal movie that’s been made in the past 10 years. Children are undemanding audiences and studios are cynical enough to not care if their newest product is intelligent or coherent or worth watching. As for parents? Too bad. You’re going. Take a little nap if you have to. Bring your Kindle. Whatever it takes 2 escape.
I declare a moratorium on a central animal character who has to learn to believe in himself and become the great leader he was meant to be. Not that anyone’s listening to me. But I declare this. I may start throwing things at screens if I don’t get my way. Things that are on fire. Sacha Baron Cohen keeps it funny and Alec Baldwin as the evil manipulative lion that wants to take control of the tribe is like his character on "30 Rock" turned into a cartoon. His character is even designed to sort of resemble him. Nice touch. And another thing: Penguins? In short supply. From 1 to 10, I give it an 8.

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

"What are we doing in this movie?"


The Five Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season
Well folks, it’s over. Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States, John McCain is crying over an early bird dinner special somewhere in Phoenix, and meteorologists are predicting a 99% chance of beautiful rainbows shooting out of everyone in America’s asses at least through the end of this weekend. I guess this means election season is officially over. It’s been a wild ride, what with all the plumbers and slander and Palin-themed hardcore pornography, and if you’re like me, you probably got caught up in it like everyone else. And while it’s all well and good to follow politics, when the mainstream media focuses its attention so narrowly on one particular story, it’s easy for other equally (if not more) important stories to fall through the cracks. This week on the Peverett Phile, I’d like to bring you up to speed on some of the stories you might have missed thanks to election fever.
Remember Bono? You know - the world-famous frontman of the 22-Grammy-Award-winning, 140-million-album-selling rock band U2? You know - the guy who is as well known for his philanthropic work as he is for singing in one of the most successful rock bands of the 20th century? Well guess what? Pictures of him surfaced on Facebook that show him enjoying a “RENDEZVOUS” with two “SEXY TEENS!” Hmm. Well, okay, I don’t think anyone would deny that those are some “sexy teens.” And judging by the picture, I’m pretty sure that Bono was psyched to be enjoying a rendezvous with them. But does that make this a noteworthy news story? Yes it does, and I’ll tell you why: Everyone knows that being a rock star is awesome, but if Bono, debatably one of the biggest douchebags in the history of rock music, can still get chicks when he’s pushing 50, then most of us clearly don’t have a clue as to how awesome being a rock star really is. Although to be honest, I seriously doubt he sealed the deal. Based on the look on his face, I think if things went any further than posing for this picture his boner would have literally exploded.
If you’re a serious news junkie like I am, then you probably remember hearing about Tara Reid’s botched plastic surgeries back in 2006. Well after some new pictures surfaced of her terrifying, Silly Putty-like horror-abs last month, Reid finally addressed the media last week on the subject, saying simply, “Hey - you guys seriously still care about me? Wow. That’s BANANAS. I’m all washed up.” Although Reid has to live with the “battle wounds” of her botched lipo, she says she’s trying to move on, spending her time working on her first clothing line, Mantra. “I made this line about feeling good about yourself,” she said, adding, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go - I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon.” You might be wondering why this is an important story to catch up on. Maybe you think Tara Reid is just some washed-up starlet. Well let me tell you about somebody else who everyone thought was all washed up: His name was Seabiscuit, he was a horse, and guess what he did? Oh, I don’t know - only INSPIRED AN ENTIRE GENERATION TO DARE TO DREAM. NO BIG DEAL. Where am I going with this, you wonder? Fair question. Let’s get to down brass tacks: Seabiscuit broke his leg, overcame the injury, and went on to win races again, inspiring all of America during the Great Depression. Tara Reid is a semi-famous starlet who turned her stomach into a horrific fleshy abomination just as America sunk into the worst economic crisis since - you guessed it - THE GREAT DEPRESSION. Now I’m not saying that Tara Reid is going to fix her disgusting, somebody-help-me-I’m-melting abs, stage a successful Hollywood comeback, and become the same marginally-talented, unremarkably semi-attractive starlet she once was. I’m not saying she’ll ever match the glory of her breakout supporting role in that one movie about the kid who fucked a pie. But in these tough times we have ahead of us, we’re going to need an injured racehorse of our own to overcome adversity and inspire all of us in the process. And while I’m not saying that Tara Reid is definitely going to be that injured racehorse, I’m not ruling it out, either.
Let me get this straight - you didn’t know that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale took their baby Zuma to get his first library card? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I, on the other hand, knew about this story as soon as it broke thanks to the power of Google Alerts. By the time Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale (yes, that is seriously his full name) was ready to check out his first book, I had already received pictures of it in my inbox. I don’t know if two-month-old babies can read, or what kind of books they like if they can, but I DO know that Zuma Rossdale’s parents are famous. As such, I DEMAND up-to-the-minute reports of what he’s doing at all times. Zuma got a library card? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a birthday party? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a Halloween party where Gwen dressed up like an egg (and Gavin didn’t dress up at all)? You better believe I want to know about that… IMMEDIATELY. It’s hard to keep up when your inbox is constantly awash in a deluge of “nipple slip” alerts (not to mention the “Gladstone is a douchebag” ones), but I do what I can. It’s my duty as an informed citizen of this great nation to keep up with current events.
Due to the rising cost of yadda-yadda-yadda, increasing reliance on blah-blah-blah in the third world, and catastrophic yackety-yack due to climate something-or-other, millions of people around the world can no longer afford the basic sustenance that most of us take for granted. Wait a minute… are there any celebrities involved in this story? No? Not even Bono? Wow… ok. Yawn. Bono: too busy with sexy teen rendezvouses to save the world right now.
Moving along.
Celebrity gossip gets a bad rap sometimes. Sure, the paparazzi routinely ruin celebrities’ lives, and yes, peoples’ hunger for trashy tabloids makes everyone less informed about important world events of actual consequence, but when the mainstream media is busy covering a Presidential election or an economic crisis or a war in Iraq (if, hypothetically, the war in Iraq was getting any coverage), when the mainstream media has its hands full and can’t be bothered, then tell me this: WHO’S KEEPING AN EYE ON K-FED? Can you imagine if the paparazzi had been out chasing after Obama last week? If they’d followed the herd like the rest of the MSM, we might have never known that this happened: While the world is stumbling around in a weepy-eyed Obama-rama daze, important stories like this one are being completely swept under the rug, which just goes to show that you can’t trust the networks anymore. If you’re not content letting the mainstream media spoon-feed you whatever they happen to deem “newsworthy,” then you’re probably going to have to do some homework.


Well well, Reverend Jesse Custer. It looks like you might make it to the big screen after all. It's hard to get too optimistic, seeing as you've had directors, producers, and HBO dancing around you for years. In fact, no one I've talked to offline had heard of your new movie deal the way they'd heard about Tony Stark's – and when I told them that it really seemed to be happening this time, no one could muster up much enthusiasm. We're a beaten down congregation, Reverend. It will take some writers or some casting announcements to get us excited – and we may always wish you'd ended up at HBO. I don't think you're impossible to adapt; you take a lot of digressions that I'm perfectly comfortable never seeing on screen. Your first major adventure versus Si the serial killer, for instance -- then again, without it, your horrible grandma doesn't come into play. Hmmm. Any chance Columbia's thinking about giving you a trilogy? Because not only could you digress into serial killers and hedonistic Hollywood parties to your heart's content, but it would be one heck of a franchise, and might give us The Saint of All Killers' spin-off we all want. (Can you convince them to animate it? Can you use the Word to get Clint Eastwood to narrate?)


There you go, pholks, the latest entry of the Phile. Don't look for an update next Phriday as we'll be on vacation in California. And there's not going to be an update on the 21st either. So, the next update will be on the 28th. Can you wait that long? Go ahead and go through the archives if you haven't already. I'll be 40 when I update the Phile again. Man, I'm getting old. That's like 4 decades. Have a good Thanksgiving, be safe and spread the word, not the turd. Peace.