Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Pheaturing David Byrne

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? Without a star of Kobe’s magnitude dying so unexpectedly and so young, the sports world is at a loss for how to properly memorialize the hero of millions. Even the MBA was unsure whether or not to cancel games Sunday on the night of his passing, but ultimately decided to let them carry on which gave us some fantastic moments to honor his memory. A statue will surely be erected outside Staples Center in Los Angeles, with some fans even saying the arena should be renamed after one of the biggest stars to ever grace the mecca of stars. The death, and life, of Bryant has been so impactful that fans are even clamoring for the NBA to change their logo from Jerry West to Kobe to permanently honor the legacy he left to the game. For some fans, when they think of basketball or the NBA, they think of Kobe. One of those fans created a change.org petition Sunday asking for just that, and it was racked up over a million signatures in just over 24 hours.

The petition reads, "With the untimely and unexpected passing of the great Kobe Bryant please sign this petition in an attempt to immortalize him forever as the new NBA Logo." ICYMI, news of sports legend Kobe Bryant shook the world Sunday afternoon when it was announced that he, his daughter, and others died in a helicopter crash in Calabasas, CA. Along with his daughter, her teammate and her family, Bryant was en route to a youth basketball game at the Mamba Academy, a training facility founded by Kobe with youth and adult programs for basketball, volleyball, and more, just one of the ways he helps give back to the community. Personal stories about how Bryant showed love fans, charities and communities began to be told in the wake of his death, and another has emerged that may provide the best insight to the true Kobe Bryant. A few weeks prior to his passing, Bryant was filmed by a bystander exiting his vehicle to help victims of a serious car accident in Newport Beach, California. Bryant reportedly stayed to comfort those involved and helped redirect traffic until help arrived. The scene is eerie and foggy, which may have led to the accident. Unfortunately, that same morning fog was likely the cause of the helicopter crashing, killing Bryant.
Just look at this mugshot, does this look like a man who regrets what he did?

Nope. He knew he was going to jail, so why not just milk it a little bit more. According to authorities, 20-year-old Spencer Boston was arrested after police said he literally smoked a joint in a Wilson County Courtroom in front of a judge. The nerve on this man. Geesh. Boston was called to the podium in front of General Sessions Judge Haywood Barry on a drug possession charge. According to Wilson County Sheriff Robert Bryan, Boston was simply “expressing a viewpoint” that marijuana should be legal. While talking, he allegedly reached inside his pocket and pulled out a rolled marijuana cigarette, lit it up, and smoked it. He then apparently tried to be cool and turned around to speak to those sitting in the courtroom, but officers immediately took him back into custody. Because well, this dude was smoking weed in front of a judge who was probably just going to make him pay a fine for his crime in the first place. Not this time though, I bet this judge was beyond levels of angry for being disrespected like that. Still, authorities did note that the marijuana didn’t have a strong odor, so that was appreciated. As expected, according to Wilson County Sheriff’s Office Lt. Scott Moore, the courtroom burst out laughing and cheering. Sheriff Bryan stated it was “one of the craziest things” he has seen, especially since he was being led out of the courtroom through a small cloud of smoke. Which is what I would do it I was there, not going to lie. But honestly, in what mentality does this kid think it’s okay to light up a marijuana cigarette during his court appearance? Boston is being charged with disorderly conduct, simple possession, and received ten days for contempt of court. Jail records state his bond is set at $3,000. This is so dumb, but then again, what do you expect from a 20-year-old who got arrested for the same thing the first time. What a dummy.
The police saw the writing on the wall, and arrested him for it. A man who has been writing "Penis Man" on surfaces all over Arizona was arrested by "25 heavily armed SWAT officers," The Phoenix New Times reports. Dustin Shomer has been tagging both public and private buildings with his nom de plume since late November, and became a local hero. "Dustin was booked into the Tempe City Jail on sixteen counts of aggravated criminal damage, eight counts of criminal damage and one count of criminal trespassing in the first degree," the Tempe police said in a statement. Shomer, a student at Arizona State University, spread his seed as a form of protest against the "corrupt local government." He dedicated his genitalia term for the greater good, spraying the tag to fight for lower rent, higher wages, and non-binary rights. After the arrest, Shomer criticized the police's conduct in a Facebook post. "Anyone with any doubt who the bad guys are here... be certain it is the City of Tempe, City of Phoenix, and police forces valleywide. There is no excuse for pointing an AR-15 in the face of a non-violent offender," he posted. Fans of the artiste have started a GoFundMe to help get him off.
The actions of the British press over the past two years... and especially the past two weeks... likely lead one to believe that the worst thing a modern Royal has done is move to Canada. Since Harry and Meghan peaced out of the Royal Family with their young son Archie, the media has worked overtime to make the Queen the victim of the drama, and praise her son Andrew for being her "tower of strength." Meanwhile, Prince Andrew is "standing strong" against the FBI, who announced today that they want to interview him about his friendship with the deceased convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. A U.S. prosecutor announced today in Manhattan that Andrew has offered "zero cooperation" with their investigation of the notorious sex trafficker and rapist, which would certainly be helpful, as Andrew has also been accused of raping one of Epstein's trafficked teens. Despite his close relationship with a known pedophile and his refusal to participation in the criminal investigation of said pedophile, do not call Andrew a creep. He's His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Disgusting Creep.
When it comes to spiders, I like to stay as far away from them as I can. I’m terrified of those hairy creepy crawlers that have no business being close to any human being. I can’t even begin to tell you how loud I get whenever I see one. It’s bad... like really, really bad. So, honestly, I understand this woman and her loud shrieking! Virginia Sanders, from Summerville South Carolina, never saw it coming. What could have been a great day, ended in a hilarious but terrifying viral video that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time. Why? Let’s just say Sanders developed a rather hilarious case of arachnophobia, as she saw a HUGE spider crawling through her dashboard. Here's a screenshot...

Sanders goes into full panic mode, yelling for her life as she sees the spider going back and forward into the vents and the steering wheel, playing hide and seek. I am pretty impressed with her ability to film the situation, drive, and simultaneously drop all the curse words she could possibly think. The spider, who I really think was taunting her at some point, was later identified as a brown recluse, which is known to be venomous, though not usually lethal if bitten by one. The brown recluse is one of the spiders with medically significant venom, followed by the black widow spider and Loxosceles Laeta. As you can see in the pic, these spiders are huge, ranging between 6 and 20 millimeters. I understand the creepy crawler wanted to take a ride and maybe listen to some music, but NOPE. Not today. I give the woman props for staying in the car that long, I would have left everything in there and jumped out in a heartbeat. Luckily for Sanders, a friend came to the rescue and took the spider out of the car.
I've been telling you how the press has been covering Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton differently. Well, I have another example, kids.

Kate and Meghan dressed their kids in sweaters from the exact same clothing brand, but one was reported as British and the other American. When I saw this Sunday night I thought it looked familiar.

Then it hit me...

Hahaha. Ever go to a museum and see yourself in a painting? It happened to this guy...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I crack myself up sometimes. Sometimes you might know journalists make mistakes which just makes some really bad editorials sometimes.

Ha. Hey, future kids, this is Steve Jobs...

Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Things That Movies Pass Off As Normal, But Are Totally Unrealistic In Real Life
5. When people talk perfectly, without any pauses mid sentence or making any "uhh" or "hmm" sounds.
4. Regaining consciousness after receiving CPR.
3. A bright eyed 22-year-old moving into "the Big Apple" and getting a one bedroom apartment, while hunting for their dream job, while eating at pizza places and drinking lattes.
2. Huge lapses in time or long distances traveled but the characters are still at the same spot in conversation.
And the number one thing that movies pass off as normal, but are totally unrealistic in real life is...
1. Women orgasming after 30 seconds of sex.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, there's this comedian who likes to come on to the Phile once in a while and tell us some jokes. The problem is the jokes are not at all funny. Well, he said he's been working on some new material and I thought why not give him another chance. So, please welcome to the Phile once again...

Me: Hey, Ollie, welcome back to the Phile.

Ollie: Hello, Jason. I have some really food jokes to cheer everyone up.

Me: That's good. We all need a good laugh. So, what have you got?

Ollie: Why was the boy sad?

Me: Ummm... I don't know. Why?

Ollie: because he had a frog stapled to his face.

Me: Okay, that would make him sad but that's not funny.

Ollie: Okay. How about a knock knock joke?

Me: Sure. Those are always good.

Ollie: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Ollie: The police, your entire family died in a car accident.

Me: UGH! That's REALLY not funny, dude. Especially this week.

Ollie: Why? Kobe died in a helicopter crash, not car accident.

Me: Shut up. You have one more chance.

Ollie: What do you get when you stick a pair scissors in a 4-year-old?

Me: Okay, we're done here... Ollie Tabooger, the guy who doesn't know how to tell a joke.

Ollie: An erection.

Me: Ollie, man, we are done.

Ollie: Okay. Have fun week, everybody! Bye!

Okay, you guys need a real joke... A guy shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the doctor. "No," shouts the guy, "this is her husband!"

The 113th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Anthony Daniels will be on the Phile in a few weeks. I can't wait. Okay, so, you know I love on Florida, right? Well, there's stuff that happens in Florida that happen nowhere else in the Universe. So, once again here is...

A Florida man looking to exchange mouth pleasures for… different mouth pleasures saw his entire plan fall apart when the woman with whom he offered to trade a hamburger for oral sex turned out to be a cop. According to police, 57-year-old Frank Caponi of Pinellas Park, Florida approached an undercover St. Petersburg police officer and offered a hamburger in exchange for oral sex. He was arrested on a prostitution charge. Police did not reveal what type of hamburger the man was offering. A few things here: 1. The story doesn’t specify but chances are this man did not intend to buy this woman a freshly cooked burger. He probably had an old bag of Wendy’s in the backseat of his car and was just going to toss her that. 2. This guy was trying to buy a prostitute for less than five dollars. Depending on the burger and where he got it from we could be talking less than one dollar here. 3. It might seem cheap to start out by only offering a burger but if you start with the whole value meal then she’s only going to demand more. It’s a solid negotiating tactic to start out only with the burger and go up from there. It puts a lot more validity behind the statement, “You wanna upgrade the soda to a milkshake? Bitch you think I’m made of money?” If you start out offering the whole value meal before you know it she’s going to be trying to swap out fries for an order of chicken tenders and straight-up asking for a McFlurry or Frosty too. At that point you’re looking at being out almost fifteen dollars. Unacceptable.

Today's pheatured guest is a Scottish-born American singer, songwriter, musician, record producer, artist, actor, writer, music theorist, and filmmaker who is a founding member and the principal songwriter, lead singer and guitarist of the American new wave band Talking Heads. His Broadway show American Utopia is playing on Broadway in New York City though February. Please welcome to the Phile... David Byrne.

Me: Hello, David, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir?

David: I'm doing fantastic, Jason. Thank you.

Me: So, you're now a Broadway star. I bet you never thought Broadway would figure in your life, right?

David: I did not.

Me: So, was this one of your ambitions?

David: No, it was not a big ambition of mine but we started touring the concert version of this show and a Broadway producer saw it and said, "This is perfect. This should come to Broadway."

Me: So, give me a brief description of the show.

David: The Broadway show features my 11-piece band wearing gray suits and performing entirely on foot with no wires, amps or stands... not even shoes... visible on stage. As a result, the performers are free to dance, form sections, change positions and interact.

Me: The show is called American Utopia. So, David, what is your definition of "utopia"?

David: Oooh, to be honest I haven't thought about it. It's more about the idea that we have this longing to improve things, this idea that we can better ourselves and better our situation collectively. So utopia is something I think that one never reaches, but the idea that one keeps striving to improve things, incorrect things that are wrong. It's like one of those mathematical curves, we're approaching it but we're never going to get to it.

Me: That could make some discouraged or cynical, but it can make someone do the opposite, right? 

David: Yes. It's part of the new world idea that things can be reimagined and rethought. In certain ways we lost some of that but my hope is some of that can be regained.

Me: You had an album called "American Utopia" that came out a couple of years ago. With the state of the world do you think that's ironic?

David: I would say it's not ironic. It's not meant to imply that we and I actually live in that utopia, or that we're going to get to one really soon. It's nothing about that. Its more about representing this kind of longing to improve ourselves, to get closer to make changes that will take us somewhere better. We are trying to imagine what a different world, what a different situation, different system, we are trying to imagine what that could be. I felt that we're a place where we fall into a cynical view of things. At the same time a lot of people are imagining how things could be different.

Me: Were these questions of how things could be different on your mind when you sat down to write the record?

David: A little bit. They were on my mind... period. It was probably reflected in the record yes, but it was just there... it was in the air. I think some of it comes across on the record. Parts of it are quite dark but it's mixed with a sense of joy and humor as well. I hope there's a kind of balance there.

Me: NME said that your show might be the best live show of all time. That's saying a lot, right? What do you think of that?

David: There's a quote. That will sell a few tickets.

Me: Did you have any idea that this stage show would lend itself so well to the stage?

David: I wasn't sure, it seemed like a bit of a risk. To really work in the Broadway context the story or the narrative arc or whatever thread that goes through it has to be a little more apparent than it is in a concert. I think it was there in the concert, but kind of implicit. Some friends noticed it and I thought okay, we need to bring this out more somehow so people know it's not just a selection of songs played at random, but it's actually taking them somewhere, they're actually going on a journey and there's a destination.

Me: What is the destination?

David: Well, not to spoil it too much, but the song "Here" starts the show and it's me at a table holding a brain. So it's a person who's very much within themselves and thinking about things and trying to figure things out, very kind of inward. Throughout the show and the songs and the little bit of talking that I do this person slowly comes out of himself and connects with other people, the 11-piece band. By the end of the show, this person... that's me... and the band become more socially engaged as well. So we become engaged in the much wider world beyond our little community.

Me: Looking at the video of the show it looks like the stage is pretty small and you're a lot closer to the audience. How do you like that?

David: Oh, I love it. Unless something really distracting goes on. Like someone unwrapping their gum. There's like some odd little things, someone brought their child and the child fells asleep right in front of me. I was like "oh, shit, there's not much I could do about that." Other than that it's really great and I think the audience gives me the opportunity to talk to the audience and relate to them as people, as individuals. They can see me and I can see them to some extent. And it's a very different feeling than dealing with larger venues where the audience becomes a mass. In this case I'm really addressing them, and I can sort of engage how they are receiving things, what they're feeling and can sort of respond to that.

Me: In the show you do a cover of Janelle Monae's 2015 protest song "Hell You Talmbout," which has the band and crowd repeating the names of black Americans who have died in police encounters or racial violence. What made you choose this song to do?

David: I felt that in the times that we live in, we're kind of compelled to address all these issues. I would often do a cover song at the end of a show and it would be a kind of a party and a dance for fun, and this time I realized no, in this times that we are living I have to say something. We have to address the times that we live in and what's going on. So that was the decision and I heard the song that she did and thought this is incredible, it doesn't really point figures, it's more like a record of people whose lives have been insensibly taken. It's asking remember them, remember these people. 

Me: Did you ever talk to Janelle about it?

David: We just corresponded by email. Before we started doing it I wrote to her asking her what does she think of a white guy of my age doing this song. She loved the idea and I thought okay, I have her blessing. We can do this.

Me: So, where do you find your optimism at a time like this, David?

David: Well I get the optimism by being with those people, in my case with the band and performing. This music has this kind of "life-force" so that when the band and I are performing it there's a sense of joy and the audience picks that up. It's a counterweight to the other things we're talking about.

Me: You have an online magazine called "Reasons To Be Cheerful." How did that come about and what is it?

David: A lot of people out there read the papers online in the morning and often it would leave me kind of disgusted, cynical and angry and sad and I thought this is no way to begin my day. Not that I want to only hear happy news about a cat who was rescued from a tree or whatever but I thought I have to find some sort of self therapy to counter this so I don't fall into despair. I started saving into a folder on my computer articles about things that seemed fairly hopeful. Different initiatives in different parts of the world, things that people are doing that's been successful and could be an inspiration for other people.

Me: When you perform such songs as "Road to Nowhere" and "Once in a Lifetime" do you ever think after all these years these songs mean so much to the people?

David: Yeah, it'd a really lovely things that the songs have no dated that much. It's more exciting for me in a way that I can mix old songs and new songs and to a large extent the audience isn't heading to the toilets and the bar during the new songs, and then just waiting for an old favorite.

Me: My dad once said, "I can tell when it's new song because they start clapping about fifteen seconds before its over."

David: Hahahaha. I think we have surmounted that problem in someway. Part of it might be the material but its also I think the staging and the dancing and all the stuff that is going on visually. People want to see what is happening and the fact that it's integrated with song and the song is kind of connect the dots, this kid of thread journey that they're going on in the show, they realize that every song is there for a reason. It's not just a cavalcade of hits, but its taking them somewhere so there's lots of a difference of reaction between new songs and old songs.

Me: With "Road to Nowhere" did you always know that's how you wanted to close the show?

David: No. No. No. We experimented. We had a little more than a month in Boston and we tried different endings, different middles different beginnings, and then we realized this is good. This, after the punch in the gut from "Hell You Talmbout," without being just empty happiness this sends them out in a sort of positive note.

Me: So, if someone asks you what American Utopia is about what do you say?

David: You know what, their are solutions maybe to these problems but at least we can admit we have a problem and we can try to come together and fix them together even though I don't necessary have answers. The tough things for me is telling the people what it's about. I want them to feel it as they go because I don't articulate all of that. It's scenting that the audience feels and I feel sometimes I do these little talking interludes and sometimes I talk about stuff that's a little bit funny or there's a question or whatever. To me the song provides the answer. The song provides the lift or the reaction the joy that encounters something that I might say... often not in a super literal way. It's a feeling that comes across so sometimes that's a little bit harder to put into words but I sense that it's working.

Me: Okay, that's cool. David, this has been such a cool interview. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon.

David: Thank you.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guest David Byrne for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Monday with musician J.P. Soars. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Monday, January 27, 2020

Pheaturing Lucinda Williams

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Well, The Washington Post reporter Felicia Sonmez was front and center in the Twittersphere reminding the world about Kobe Bryant’s rape allegations just hours after he and his daughter died tragically in a helicopter crash. When the media show you who they really are, believe them. Welp, it sounds like the Post has suspended Sonmez, but not for the tweets about the rape allegations...

But a person familiar with the suspension said it was not Sonmez’s tweet linking to the Daily Beast article that triggered the suspension, nor was it two follow-up tweets where she said the thousands who criticized her in the hours since was an “eye opening experience.” It was the third tweet that showed her email inbox that landed her in hot water with the company, in part because it contained the purported full names of those who sent her an email, according to a Washington Post employee who spoke with The Desk on condition of anonymity. “Her managers don’t care about the Daily Beast tweet,” the Post employee said. “But there’s a concern that the screen shot (of her email inbox) might create some legal issues and could violate Twitter’s terms (of service).” The Washington Post has a Twitter policy... right? And well, this is quite the flub. MSNBC’s Allison Morris said Kobe Bryant was “perfectly cast on the Los Angeles Niggers, um, Los Angeles Lakers” during her coverage of the Kobe Bryant helicopter crash. Did we hear that right? Over to you, MSNBC.
You know how there are just some mean people on this planet? Well, meet Bryan Tucker, the destroyer of fun and children’s hopes. Why? Well, turns out Tucker was fed up with children trespassing on his property, so instead of asking them to stay away like any normal person would, he decided to do the extreme. Tucker installed an electric fence to “keep the children away.” Yes, not just any fence, an electric fence that can probably injure not only children but anyone around the area. You see, Tucker’s house is just a few feet away from a middle bus stop in Henrico County, Virginia, which is why sometimes children would come up to his property on their way home. Tucker told officials, he had installed the fence after growing tired of kids throwing trash and walking on the lawn after school. What makes the situation even more ridiculous, was that the homeowner decided to put the fence up on the first day of school. Meaning, well, you know what that means. Parents were furious as soon as they saw the fence due to the fact that Tucker didn’t put up any warning sign, which could cause potential harm. On his property, there are two signs posted to a tree in Tucker’s front yard reading, “Private Property – hunting, fishing, trapping or trespassing for any purpose is strictly forbidden. Violators will be prosecuted.” There is no sign saying there is an electric fence nearby. Parents main concern was children getting electrocuted, after not knowing exactly what harm the fence can do, or if it actually works. James Mehfoud, a resident around the area, spoke to WRIC, stating, “I touched it, I got a slight shock, it wasn’t that great. I understand his concern. I just don’t think he understood the neighbors’ concern about their kids. One of them could touch it, fall into it, and get shocked.” Officials did notify Tucker he was in violation of the County Code after his yard starts further off the road where the fence is. The fence was put in county right-of-way. Officials asked Tucker to take down the fence, stating it was illegal. Tucker did remove the fence, but he is allowed to re-install it if he keeps the fence at his property line. Still, not cool, Tucker, not cool. Can you please take the fence down for good? Think of the kiddos! I know you don’t want for people to step on your lawn, but at least put a warning sign or something. That’s the main problem here.
So, a 21-year-old Ole Miss student Maxwell Taffin, who should probably at least be on some sort of low-level watchlist for a little while, was arrested for eating his ex-girlfriend’s fish and then later taking a picture of his feces and texting it to his ex with the caption, “Found your fish.” And, uh, rightly so. Taffin, who was 18 at the time of the incident, has been charged with cruelty to animals and improper telephone communications. Sending unwanted pictures of your poop is illegal, kids. Look. It’s a fish. Not a cat or something. The thing probably forgot it was being eaten while it was being eaten. Twice. So the outrage at a living thing being killed here shouldn’t be too high, relatively speaking. It’s more the idea of the act. He didn’t break something of hers. He killed something of hers. By eating it. And then sent a picture of his shit. That’s a psycho move. Especially the poop part. The incident occurred when Taffin’s ex-girlfriend allowed him and a few friends to sleep in her dorm room the after the Ole Miss-LSU game in 2016, which they were in town for. When the victim returned to her dorm room Taffin said, “Check your fish tank.” She noticed the fish was missing and shortly after got an update on its whereabouts. When questioned by LSU police Taffin told them, “Yeah, I’ll be honest with you. I ate [the victim’s] fish.” Considering that this happened after an SEC football game (at LSU, of all places) there is a nearly 100% chance that Taffin was drunk when this happened. There’s like an 80% chance he was so blackout that his blood was actually just a Hurricane. Still, though. The poop thing, which presumably happened a fair amount of time later, can’t be excused away by the consumption of an entire fifth of Fireball on the Parade Grounds. That’s the sort of thing you hear about someone doing and either tell them to seek legitimate help or lose your phone number. Yikes.
A man suffered blistering burns after batteries from his vaping device exploded inside his pocket. According to Tyler Newton, he put three lithium batteries inside his vape pen and one extra in his pocket. The batteries blew up a few minutes later. Newton was driving his Jeep home from work, when the vehicle filled with smoke, causing him to swerve his way through the road, trying to put out the fire and getting out of his vehicle. Luckily, Newtown was in the middle of a construction zone where everything was being paved, and there was no traffic. Trying to get rid of an unhealthy habit, the Massachusetts man decided to pick up vaping, thinking it was the safer alternative to help him quit nicotine. Yet, the electronic cigarette left him permanent scars, spending four hours in the hospital. Newton suffered first and second-degree burns and some acid burns from the battery. One of the three Samsung lithium batteries melted onto the floor map of the Jeep. Due to his injuries, Newton stated he is out of work and is recovering at home, but has given up on vaping and is back to smoking, after it “seems to be the better alternative at the moment.” This isn’t the first incident related to a vape exploding. According to the U.S. Fire Administration, between 2009 and 2016, there were 195 fire or explosions triggered by the e-cigarette. 62 percent of the incidents of explosions and fire involving an electronic cigarette or batter occurs when the device is either actively in use or inside a pocket. According to authorities, usually, these explosions occur due to the devices’ batteries, the quality of your device component and lack of knowledge as to how to maintain your equipment. Most vapes are powered by a lithium-ion battery, which can pose a fire hazard if left in pressurized areas and are known to catch fire when overheated. Experts stated that as long as lithium-ion batteries continue to be used in e-cigarettes, severe injuries will continue to occur and explosions and fires will continue to increase. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration suggest vape managers change their package labels to “include graphics or texts to show users how to recharge the product to minimize the risk of any battery failure.” One should also buy quality vape pens from a reputable manager, and check the parts to make sure they don’t feel used or cheap. Users should not leave the device charging overnight, to avoid an electrical power malfunction resulting in a higher risk of explosion or fire. I would show you a pic of Newton's burnt legs but it's not Thursday... so no Throw-Up Thursday pic. You're welcome.
In case you missed it, Disney is already planning a live-action remake of the classic animated film Bambi. This means that the new movie will have the same look and feel as the previously released reboot of The Lion King. However, it seems like fans aren't so happy with the prospect of having to watch Bambi's mother get shot all over again. In the most traumatic scene in Bambi, the young fawn and his mother are discovered by the hunter simply referred to as "Man." During the encounter, Bambi's mom is shot by "Man," leaving the frightened fawn alone in the woods. Luckily, he is soon found by the Great Prince, the deer that is later revealed to be his father. First of all, the death of Bambi's mother happens off-screen in the 1942 movie. However, that doesn't take away the trauma that most children experienced while watching an animated film. Not surprisingly, people are now worried that the shooting will happen all over again in the Bambi remake and could show up in the new movie. Some were simply concerned that Bambi might not be able to properly express the devastation because he will look like an actual fawn. There are several reasons why people are not exactly excited about the Bambi remake. In addition to a possibly gory recreation of a deer's death, most of the story would not translate well in live-action. Personally, I don't think the whole "twitterpating" sequence will have the same effect if you don't get to see Thumper wrinkling his nose.
Instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Maybe not. Tons of memes made you laugh in 2019, like everyone wanted to see what they looked like as an old person. Naturally, the Face App memes followed.

Journalists make mistakes sometimes, though, editorial mistakes are undeniably hilarious like this one from The New Yorker...

Chicken fashion is always up for debate. Hey, future kids, this is Shakespeare...

Haha. I have been showing you how the press cover Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton differently. Check this out...

Meghan's makeup is Hollywood and Kate's is "grown up." Aside from the fact that they're almost exactly the same. If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up in some city somewhere in the 30s and see this baby in a cage like this...

What the hell? So, do you know what an Influencer is? I don't think I do, but they are out in the "wild"...

I'm confused. Ever see those panhandlers on the side of the road? Sometimes they have very witty signs...

If you're thinking of cheating on your loved one you might wanna think twice after seeing this...

Okay, then. Well, you know I live in Florida, right? There's some stuff that happens in Florida that happens nowhere else in the Universe. So, once again here is...

Twenty-one-year-old Citra, Florida resident Nicholas Sardo got caught having sex with a mini-horse. But he told police that he used a condom when he did it, which means… nothing. He’s still very much under arrest for sexually assaulting an animal. Sardo, who admitted to having sex with the mini-horse four times in one week, said he used a condom while doing it so that he wouldn’t catch any diseases from the animal, which definitely makes him sound even crazier because he was apparently performing this ridiculously disgusting, insane act with a level of rationality. He thought it out in a way that involved reality. It would have somehow been more comforting if he’d said he was using the condom because he knew the horse wanted to have his baby but he wasn’t about to get tied down in a relationship or foal support payments. At least Sardo knows what he did was wrong. And sick. He told as much to the police who arrested him. So where does it go from here? “Stipulations of Sardo’s future contact with the horse could be determined by a judge in the near future,” the police said. Future contact should probably be zero. Zero sounds like a good number for the amount of contact the man raping a mini-horse should have in the future with that horse. Because the horse does not speak English or, in fact, any human language, Sardo going near it to apologize would be pretty useless. Just get it a basket of carrots and oats and hope that those treats make it feel as good as you once made it feel bad. Sardo has been charged with four counts of sexual contact with the horse and is being held on a $4,000 bond, which feels low.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, with Kobe Bryant's death yesterday I thought I would invite a good friend of the Phile back today to talk about it. So, it's time to...

Me: Jeff, I know we always talk about football and I know you weren’t supposed to be back on the Phile until after the Super Bowl but with Kobe Bryant passing away yesterday from the helicopter crash and you were the first one to tell me I wanted to have you here to ask you about it. Were you a fan of Kobe?

Jeff: I wasn't so much a fan of Kobe, but you couldn't watch basketball and not admire the guy. He had a lot of talent and skill. I always liked the term "the next Michael Jordan" but Kobe Bryant was in the mold of Jordan. He was the greatest of his generation, especially at his position.

Me: What’s the deal with Lebron writing “Mambo 4 Ever” on his sneakers? That’s weird, right?

Jeff: Saturday Night Lebron James knew he was going to pass Kobe for third place in all time points. As a way to pay tribute to him, James wrote on his sneakers three things. He wrote the numbers "8 + 24," which were Kobe Bryant's jersey numbers. He also wrote "Mamba 4 Life." It's weird timing that less than 12 hours later, Kobe was gone. Kobe's nickname was the Black Mamba.

Me: Is there anything else you wanna say about Kobe?

Jeff: Life is funny, and in ways so is death. You just never know when it's your time to go. With that in mind, if there is someone you love... tell them. Tomorrow isn't promised. Even if you're a multiple time NBA champion AND Oscar winner (Kobe produced an animated short that won an Oscar in 2018). You might never get another chance to tell that person you love them. It could be your time. Or even worse, it could be their time. I can't help but think of the Ultimate Warrior at times like this. For those that don't know who Warrior Jim Hellwig was, he was a former pro-wrestler. He had a huge falling out with the WWE for years and both attacked each other for decades. They finally decided to bury the hatchet. Ultimate Warrior was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame on a Saturday, appeared at WrestleMania on Sunday and made an appearance on Raw. During that speech on Raw, Ultimate Warrior talked about "every man will breath his last breathe one day." Just listening to him as he spoke for five-ten minutes you could tell something was wrong. He left the ring. By morning, the Ultimate Warrior was dead. Just another weird coincidence, I guess. Kobe wasn't a perfect man. This is a man who was accused of raping a woman in Colorado. The court case was dropped when the woman refused to testify but a second case was brought up. That was settled out of court. But that is rarely brought up when discussing Kobe's life. He was arrested for it, but he will always be remembered for his time on the court. Sadly, Kobe wasn't the only victim of the helicopter crash. One of his daughters was killed as well. More details are coming out about the other victims as well. Regardless, it's a sad passing. For me the word legend gets passed around too much in sports. But Kobe was a legend.

Me: So, while you’re here let’s talk about football. Did you watch the Pro Bowl? Anything stuck out about it?

Jeff: I saw bits and pieces of the pro bowl. I'm not a huge fan of the game since a lot of the players don't take it seriously either.

Me: What’s the latest on the Antonio Brown shit show?

Jeff: As of Sunday, Antonio Brown has turned himself in on a charge of assault. Again I hope he gets the help he needs cause that dude's not all there anymore.

Me: Okay, thanks for being back on the Phile. See you back here in a few weeks on Feb. 4th.

Jeff: See you on the 4th!

If you or someone you know is experiencing substance abuse, call the National Drug Helpline at 1-844-289-0879. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Things Said About The Food That Was Stuck In Nick Jonas' Teeth At The Grammys
5. I’m jealous of whatever is stuck in Nick Jonas’ teeth.
4. I want to congratulate the spinach in Nick Jonas' teeth for its breathtaking performance tonight. Truly amazing work.
3. Nick Jonas had food in his teeth during his performance and I think Joe and Kevin purposely didn’t tell him as pay back for breaking up the band years ago.
2. Nick Jonas has cilantro on his teeth and honestly fucking relate.
And the number one thing said about the food that was stuck in Nick Jonas' teeth at the Grammys was...
1. At least you all know I eat my greens.

Kobe Bryant 
August 23rd, 1978 — January 26th, 2020
Dude goes down in a helicopter with his daughter and you came here to see what nasty thing I write about him? What is WRONG with you? Just kidding. I couldn't think of anything.

Terry Jones 
February 1st, 1942 — January 21st, 2020

The 113th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Anthony Daniels will be on the Phile in a few weeks. I think it's kinda cool. Okay, so, one of the creepiest parts about dealing with puberty as a young woman is the many ways the world sexualizes you and victim blames you for the leering eyes of men. Sadly, this form of misogyny is so deeply entrenched that many families police their daughters' clothing and bodies as a way to "protect" them. But in actuality, these rules and mindsets contribute to a culture of victim-blaming, self-objectification, and deep shame. In a email to the Phile, a young woman asked if she was wrong for calling out her mom's new policing of her clothing.

"Am I wrong my mom saw porn in dad's YouTube history and asked me to choose my clothes better?" She started the email by sharing that her parents are generally bad with tech, and she's often called upon to help them figure stuff out. "My parents aren't good with technology and find it difficult to do basic stuff on their phones. They bought my younger brother (let's call him Brandon) a phone recently and since they don't know anything about parental controls, my mom stays concerned about what he uses it for. Tbh, he's just a lot into games and music and not a lot else." Recently, she had an awkward conversation with her mom at breakfast about her brother Brandon using her dad's phone to watch porn. "This morning, my mom and I were having breakfast when she asked if Brandon's gmail is logged into my dad's phone too. I said he might've used dad's phone to check his inbox or whatever, no biggie. Mom then said Brandon's been watching 'dirty stuff' because she saw it in his YouTube history." When she checked her dad's phone to see if her brother Brandon was in fact logged, she quickly found that he wasn't... so the porn searches were her dad's. "I rolled my eyes because I know its none of my business but I'd have to deal with it because it's a big deal for mom. I checked if Brandon's gmail was logged into my dad's phone that she so confidently claimed, it wasn't. My dad just has the same profile picture for no apparent reason." Because the whole situation is deeply awkward, she originally decided to keep mum and not tell her mom it's her dad's search history. However, when she heard her mom mention "having a talk" with Brandon she told her mom the truth about her dad's search history. Rather than dropping the incredibly uncomfortable issue, her mom doubled down and told her she should start watching how she dresses because Brandon is "growing up." "I said nothing for a while but she said she'll have to speak to my brother about this. This was when I decided to intervene. I told her she saw dad's YouTube history and not my brother's. She was noticeably embarrassed. Called me in her room after a while and said I shouldn't walk around in short clothes or be braless around the house because my brother's 'growing up.'" She knew that arguing wouldn't go over well with her mom, but she needed to stand her ground when it came to her clothing, particularly in such a creepy context. "Speaking from how well I know my mom, arguing would've been no good. But I argued anyway. 'Now that's NOT on me. I'll wear whatever I think is comfortable. I couldn't care less who's growing up. Am I wrong? Edit: She just called me in again to tell me that my dad sleeps at 11:30 and that video was viewed at 1:30. I had to tell her the 1:30 on the bottom left was the video's length and politely ask her to never bring this up again." I seriously doubt that your brother would be attracted to you regardless of what you wear. I hope at least. Your mom should face the truth: that her husband watches porn, and keep you out of it. If anything is crystal clear in this situation, it's the fact that you shouldn't be implicated in her mom's anxieties at all: it should be kept between your mom and dad. If you have a problem or something you want my opinion on then email me at thepeverettphile@gmail.com.

Today's pheatured guest is an American rock, folk and country music singer, songwriter and musician. Her commercial breakthrough came in 1998 with "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road," which includes the Grammy nominated track "Can't Let Go," becoming her greatest commercial success to date. The album was certified Gold by the RIAA and earned her a Grammy Award for Best Contemporary Folk Album. Please welcome tp the Phile... Lucinda Williams.

Me: Hello, Lucinda, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Lucinda: Hi, Jason. I'm doing good.

Me: Your album "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road" is over twenty years old. My dad was a big fan of that album. Do you ever think why it had such an impact on so many people?

Lucinda: Well, I think about it when I'm doing interviews like this, when people ask me. The answer is I'm not really sure. I was completely shocked when that album won a Grammy and all that stuff happened.

Me: What was it like when that album became a big success? You must of been so proud.

Lucinda: Yeah, it wasn't a commercial sounding album in that time or anything. Marketing wise there was a lot of confusion. I remember when that album came out I had to go to these conventions and that sort of thing and I always wore a cowboy hat back then and God forbid they said, "You shouldn't wear a cowboy hat because they're going to think we're country. We're not marketing it as country so you don't want to refuse them by wearing a cowboy hat."

Me: Hmmm... I thought it was a country album and you were a country singer... did you think that was good advice about you not wearing a cowboy hat?

Lucinda: Yeah. That was before some of the heavy metal guys were wearing cowboy hats.

Me: Do you still like that record?

Lucinda: Well, when I listen to it I think my vocals sound so thin. But that's a good thing, I want everything as I move forward I want everything to sound better. I guess I'm an anomaly in that regard. I feel like I'm definitely singing better than I was then but I know this album means a lot to people. I think it's mainly due to the song volume. I think it was a lot of narrative song writing, songs like "Lake Charles," "Car Wheels..." and "Drunken Angel." A lot of them were stories.

Me: You were in the 40s when that album came out, but you were playing and recording for a long time before that. Was it hard to keep going and being creative?

Lucinda: Wow, I don't know how to tell people how to do that. That's what I was saying, I guess I'm unusual in that regard. I don't know if it's because I grew up around poets and novelists. I remember my dad saying not only do they get recognized until later but also they just get better as they just get older in that regard. The same is true in the jazz world, it's just a whole different deal. The same could be said in the blues world. My husband and manager Tom got to see Honeyboy Edwards play at a little club in L.A., probably about less than a year before he died. He was 91 I think or something. He played his ass off, he was beautiful and strong in spirit. I mean this was a guy who hung out with Robert Johnson. Those are the worlds I grew up in more.

Me: Who is someone else you really liked that inspired you?

Lucinda: Odetta. She can make "Here We Go Loopty-Loo" sound something much more sophisticated than it was.

Me: Do you think starting out or being successful late in life is okay or hard?

Lucinda: Oh, please. I got an email from a guy recently and he's a struggling writer. He said, "I'm struggling with this idea but I'm 38 and it's too late." I wrote him back and said no, it's not too late. Go find a mentor. It's good to have a mentor. Someone you can trust, who's work you admire to show your work to and get really good honest constructive criticism.

Me: Did you have a mentor?

Lucinda: My dad really was the first one initially. As soon as I started putting pen to paper and coming up with things I would show him. When I was still living at home I would show him and later after I left home I'd sent him a tape with all the lyrics of the songs on "Car Wheels..." as I was working on those. As late as "Car Wheels..." I wanted his approval. I think it's important to have that, not to sit by myself like on the edge of my bed. I got to put it out there and get response. I guess some people are afraid to do that. They're afraid it's not good enough of whatever, but they're not gonna know and they're not gonna grow without good constructive criticism. They have to go and play in front of people to. This whole idea that they can just create something on the Internet... I know it happens. At the end of the day with the kind of music that we are talking about it's important to go to little coffee houses and things, I'm not talking about trying to get an important gig, but just go out and find a group of like minded singer songwriters and have some sort of exchange. That's what I did, I spent fifteen plus years basically doing that what I'm talking about. In Austin and Houston, Texas, back and forth in all the little clubs there. There was a real supportive scene of other songwriters. That's really where I cut my teeth, before I even thought about having a manager or a record label or anything like that.

Me: What do you think of singer songwriters who are seating out now? Are they doing it the way you did?

Lucinda: They're all trying to move too fast these days. They got to have a record label now, they've got to do this now. They also have to be willing to travel, they can't make excuses. I know it's hard now because it's harder to live now. When I was doing it it was all during the 70s, when everything was dirt cheap. I could get a little day job like two or three days a week and pay my rent. So it's a lot harder now.

Me: Do people that say it's too late to do anything set you off?

Lucinda: It's sad actually. It's just gonna go down hill from there. Where are they gonna go, how are they gonna go forward if they're already thinking it's too late for everything at the age of thirty? That's just really sad to me.

Me: On your last album "The Ghost of Highway 20" there's this real powerful and sad song called "Death Came." What can you tell us about that song?

Lucinda: Wow, I didn't know you were gonna mention that one. Thank you for mentioning that one. It doesn't get talked about that much really. I actually wrote that after my mother died. She passed away in 2004. I started writing like crazy around that time. I just realized I wrote that earlier, it didn't come out til 2016 but it was an older song that I wrote after my mother's death. I had it on the back burner and it was time for it to come out, for it to be realized.

Me: What inspired you to write a song like that?

Lucinda: I was inspired when I was writing it by that traditional song that Ralph Stanley sang, "Oh Death." I was inspired in general by a lot of English and Irish folk ballads, the mountain music and everything. They are so powerful and dark and primal and scary. When I go back and listen to those, a lot of lyrics in those early songs they're very dark and mystical. Like "Banks of the Ohio" or "Barbara Allen," where the guy takes his lover to the woods and she's been unfaithful and he plunges a knife into her breast and the blood runs down...

Me: Man, we are talking about a lot about death but I want to mention someone who meant a lot to you and that's Tom Petty. How and when did you first meet him?

Lucinda: We were starting to become really good friends. It started with just a mutual admiration for each other's music and art. It started with back in the 90s he asked me to go out and open up for him which was a huge honor. I went out and opened about ten dates for him or something like that, or a couple of weeks or something. And most of the people there didn't know who I was who were coming to his shows. It was big high budget kinda shows in this big arenas and everything. I remember one of them this guy was sitting with his arms crossed in the front row impatiently waiting for Tom to come out. Another time someone threw a banana peel on stage so there was that. Eventually after a few nights of this Tom caught wind on what was going on and he came out on stage before we went on one night and said to his audience, "Okay, listen, you guys, listen up. You need to listen to this artist, she's important, pay attention." What other artist do you know who would do that? So I opened those shows for Tom and he won the ASCAP Musician of the Year award and he asked me to come and perform a couple of songs for that. He came back stage and hugged me and thanked me profusely. He was so humble and so sweet. I can barely talk about him without crying. I can't imagine what his wife went through and the guys in the band.

Me: Have you seen his band lately?

Lucinda: I sat in with Benmont Tench in Largo in L.A. and performed Tom Petty's song "Southern Accents." After we rehearsed the song for the show I went over and hugged him. It was just him at the piano and me on vocals. It was very powerful and I went up and hugged Benmont and said, "This is tough for me, I can't even imagine what you guys are going through." He just said, "It's surreal." That's all he said.

Me: I think you and Tom looked like brother and sister. Haha. Are you surprised you two became such good friends?

Lucinda: No. I connected with Tom in a lot of regards, being from the south. He's a great songwriter and recognized the same with me. Except he was really big and hugely famous and I was able to see somebody who was that famous and also see a beautiful spirit there.

Me: Yeah. He wrote a song about my dad called "Lonesome Dave," so that's my connection with him. I met Tom backstage with my dad when he played here in Orlando and I remember Tom saying to my dad, "Too bad Foghat is washed up." For years that kinda bothered me but listening to the song about my dad I don't think he meant any harm. Anyway, thanks, Lucinda, for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun.

Lucinda: I've enjoyed it. See these are the kinda "interviews" that are more like the good ones, more like conversations between friends.

Me: Thank you, Lucinda, Come back on the Phile soon.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Lucinda Williams. The Phile will be back tomorrow with David Byrne. Spread the word, not the turd.  Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Pheaturing Joe Namath

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? It is with a heavy heart I report to you the passing of Mr. Peanut, the famous lovechild of the Monopoly Man and a legume. The Mr. Peanut Twitter account rebranded as The Estate of Mr. Peanut and announced the fictional upperclasspeanut's death with a special mourning monocle and an emoji for the occasion. Mr. Peanut is said to have "sacrificed himself to save his friends when they needed him most," which is surprising, considering the fact that his whole mission in life was to telling people to eat his friends' corpses and profiting off of their demise.

Mr. Peanut died after a Nutmobile accident threw him and his friends Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh over a cliff, and he let go of a branch as not to weigh them down. As you'll be able to see in the commercial, Mr. Peanut died doing what he loved: selling peanuts. AdAge reports that funeral for the 106-year-old spokesnut has been scheduled for the third quarter of the Super Bowl, the most-watched live television event of the year, so millions of people can pay their respects. While companies such as Gilette razors have pivoted to wokeness to make waves with their Super Bowl commercials, Planters Peanuts' decision to pivot to grief is the first of its kind. This is sad news for everybody, but especially Terry Jones, the Monty Python icon who is now the Farrah Fawcett to Mr. Peanut's Michael Jackson. The stunt was successful, as Mr. Peanut is now the number one trend, despite being fake and a legume. People are also criticizing the obvious stunt, playing on our emotional attachments to an anthropomorphic legume just to get us talking about peanuts. We all mourn our fake friends in our own fake ways.
As we rapidly approach the 2020 election, memories of the 2016 political circus are rushing back in full force. More specifically, comparisons and tensions between supporters of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have been resurfacing as he's risen in the polls in recent weeks. On Tuesday night, The Hollywood Reporter published an article profiling Clinton's upcoming Hulu documentary "Hillary" which will dive into everything from the Monica Lewinsky scandal to the 2016 election. While the article spanned a lot of different subjects covered in the documentary, a disparaging quote from Clinton about Sanders has caused a lot of discussion online. In the documentary, Clinton claims no one likes working with Sanders and that he hasn't done much in his 30 years of politics. "He was in Congress for years. He had one senator support him. Nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done. He was a career politician. It's all just baloney and I feel so bad that people got sucked into it." In the soundbite, it was also unclear whether Clinton would endorse him if he was given the nomination. This, of course, resparked a war between Sanders supporters and former Clinton supporters. A lot of people have pointed out how harmful it is to have Clinton espousing negative views about Sanders so soon before the primary. While Clinton is facing backlash and criticism for disparaging a well-polling Democratic nominee right before an existentially crucial election, her supporters were quick to point out the fact that she was asked to be honest. In the past, Clinton faced criticism for being too formal and coded in her speech, but now that she's laying it straight, people are still upset. While many people across the political spectrum rushed to their keyboards to defend Clinton and Sanders respectively, the most bizarre among them was Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway, who, blinded by her pure hatred of Clinton, defended Sanders in a tweet.

There are too many layers of brain melting to unpack here and now, but one of the most salient points to consider while reading this tweet from Conway, is the fact that Trump won't be facing off against Clinton. So, defending Sanders against Clinton is essentially propping up Trump's potential opponent. People were quick to revel in the upside-down nature of Conway claiming Sanders is more likable than Clinton. Many were quick to point out the fact that Clinton won the popular vote over Trump, so insulting her popularity while supporting Trump is a practice in cognitive dissonance. After the wave of backlash hit the Internet, Clinton posted a tweet clarifying that she will in fact endorse Sanders if he's the nominee. Sanders responded by joking that on a good day his wife likes him, and went on to recenter focus on the current impeachment trial. Man, 2020 just started three weeks ago and it's already been a long year politically, and we've all got to strap in for all the rest that's yet to come.
People, did we not learn anything from the vagina scented candle situation? Apparently not because there is now a penis scented candle too, and I have so many questions. Days after Gwyneth Paltrow and her online store Goop announced they were releasing a genitalia themed candle, This Smells Like my Vagina, a penis one sprung online. Yes, because they probably knew that it would hit and they could make some serious bank. Boy, oh boy. Canadian ad agency, Taxi, just unveiled the This Smells Like My Penis candle this week, and is nearly identical to the 75 dollar Goop one. But, as expected, it is priced at $100, which is more than what Paltrow is selling it for. The back of the candle reads, “The candle costs 25 percent more than its vagina-smelling equivalent because even though it’s illegal in Canada to pay women less than men, the gender pay gap smells as strong as ever.” Yup, way to highlight that gender pay gap, Canada. So, does this mean that a penis smells 25 percent better than vaginas, thus you know, justifying that extra percent? Who knows, I doubt it. But, Allegra Weisenfeld, a Taxi agency copywriter, stated “The Smells Like My Penis candle is no different from the Smells Like My Vagina candle, except for no apparent reason it’s worth 25 percent more. With the candle, we want to hammer home the point that [Canadian] women are still paid 75 cents on the dollar for the same work.” Now, I won’t lie, this to me seems ridiculous but interesting at the time. Yeah sure, I’d give them a whiff, just to see what the whole mess is about, really. But come on, we all have better things to do than create a candle that smells like your private parts. Unfortunately for us, the Canadian company did not reveal exactly what the penis scented candle smells like and has yet to release the ingredients. But, it is identical to the Goop candle, which is said to smell like citrusy bergamot, geranium, and cedar. So maybe it’s the same scent? If you’re interested and want to get one of these insane candles, they are available for preorder on the company website. So, putting the whole gross issue aside, I guess I can see why they released a second version of a genital-themed candle. There’s a reason behind their motive, and it’s a pretty strong one. So sure, sell all the penis candles you can. Make a difference, Canada! Equality for all!
A school district in Texas that “touts its excellence” has now been accused of racism. The school is embroiled in controversy about race, discrimination, and dreadlocks. On Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Black Lives Matter Activist Ashton Woods stood beside Deandre Arnold and his family as they addressed the Barbers Hill ISD, school board. Deandre was suspended and is not allowed to walk at graduation in three months unless he cuts his dreadlocks. Woods believes the school’s dress code is “designed by white people for white people and is damaging to black bodies.” Gary Monroe, with the United Urban Alumni Association, stated, “This is a black and white issue. Deandre and his family should not have to go through this. But I expect it from a board that has zero diversity.” The district did fight back stating that their decision to suspend him is not about race. Superintendent Greg Poole noted there is no dress code policy that actually prohibits any cornrow or any other method of wearing hair. He stated, “Our policy limits the length. It’s been that way for 30 years.” Several speakers agreed with the district and pleaded with board members not to make any exception with the rules, but the majority don’t believe the district’s explanation. Deandre’s family is hoping his hair doesn’t hinder the teens’ future, and they vow to fight the decision until the end. Deandre’s mother, Sandy Arnold, stated the Texas teen is an A and B student who had dual credit classes and is not a problem to the school. She also noted his dreadlocks have been a concern at the school for several months. School officials previously sent him to in-school suspension after the teen refused to cut his hair, citing his Trinidadian culture. Monroe noted the district has 48 hours to come up with a “resolution” or they are taking the situation to federal court. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time a student is reprimanded for wearing dreadlocks at school. Just last year, high school wrestler Andrew Johnson from Buena Regional High School was given an ultimatum during his wrestling match. Johnson was forced to cut his hair right then and there in front of the crowd or lose the match. Not only did the school received heavy criticism, but the wrestling referee, Alan Maloney, was labeled as racist.
Odell Beckham found himself in hot water last Tuesday morning after video of him passing out thousands of dollars in cash to LSU players following their National Championship victory over Clemson surfaced. As if violating NCAA rules wasn’t enough trouble to be in, the LSU alumni and current Cleveland Brown WR is in even hotter water after New Orleans police have issued an arrest warrant to Beckham for simple battery on a police officer. The incident happened in the locker room following the Tigers’ win, caught on video by a player filming. The cop was seen telling an LSU player to make sure his cigar was put out properly when Beckham, positioned behind the officer appeared to slap the officer’s butt. The officer, who may have been jealous he wasn’t getting handed hundreds of dollars like those players were, turned and exchanged some words with Beckham, but did not issue an arrest at the time. According to ProFootballTalk, authorities originally wanted Beckham charged with misdemeanor sexual battery, but a judge denied that request. Man, I have to ask Jeff about that in a bit during Phootball Talk.
You know Eddie Van Halen is a great guitar player, right? Well, he also plays a mean slug. Check it out...

I've been telling you how the press cover Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton differently. Well, here's some more proof...

Ah yes, the two genders: "sexual" and "introvert."In the last entry on Tuesday I talked about Rob Lowe because his indecisive hat at a football game became a huge meme. Well, he was gonna wear this hat instead...

Hahahaha. I really can't say anything, a few years ago I went to a Marlins/Braves game and just wore an MLB logo shirt. Hahaha. If I had a TARDIS I would try and meet Charlie Chaplin but I'd end up meeting him when he was in his 20s and he'd just look at me blankly.

If you're thinking if cheating on your loved one you might wanna think twice after seeing this...

Yikes. Ever see those panhandlers on the side of the road? Some of them sure have some clever signs...

Ever go to a museum and think you saw yourself in a painting? It happened to this girl...

Okay, so one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn so easily and for free. But if you're at work or school you might get in trouble. Plus, I'd rather you read the Phile then go look at porn. But if you do wanna look at porn I came up with a solution.

You are welcome. Hey, it's Thursday, kids. You know what that means.

Oh, fuck. I hope you're not eating lunch. Okay, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?

Jeff: I'm doing alright. Always good to be back here talking some football with you! Hope all is well with you.

Me: Yeah, I'm good. So, today's pheatured guest is Joe Namath... he's a football legend, right?

Jeff: Not only is he a football legend, he's a weird dude who likes to hit on women on the sidelines. Just ask ESPN's Suzy Kolber. One of the most cringe worthy moments I've seen!

Me: I'm gonna ask him about that. Speaking of football legends... Super Bowl LIV will feature the two teams that legendary quarterback Joe Montana played for and he’s ready to make a guarantee on who wins the game. Following Championship Sunday, Montana tweeted this hilarious guarantee about Super Bowl LIV, hilariously saying that “his team” will win the Super Bowl...

Me: That's funny, right?

Jeff: LOL. I didn't see that. That's awesome. I don't blame him. Everything is coming up Montana! 

Me: Super Bowl LIV will feature two teams with primarily red colors for the first time ever, but the 49ers are looking to show up in Miami in all white. The San Francisco 49ers have reportedly requested permission from the NFL to wear their alternate all-white 1994 throwback jerseys for the big game. The two obstacles are the NFL approving the decision as well as hoping the Chiefs don’t want to wear white, as the AFC is designated as home conference for the Super Bowl for this season, but they will likely wear red. What is your prediction? I think both teams should wear red... that'll confuse everyone.

Jeff: I don't see the point. Both teams should wear their normal colors. It's going to be confusing enough considering how similiar the colors are to begin with. Last thing you want to do is confuse a quarterback. "Which guy should I throw to?" I mean granted they are professionals and should know who to throw to, but when you see QBs throwing four picks in a game sometimes you just have to question if they knew which team they were on!

Me: I mentioned this on Monday's entry of the Phile but I have to mention it again... Rob Lowe showed up to the NFC Championship Game and could’ve been mistaken for an NFL official as he was spotted in the stands looking like an NFL referee, complete with the NFL shield hat and everything. What do you think of this? Social media sure made fun of him.

Jeff: The best part about that for me was his response. I saw a few hysterical tweets from him on the issue. I like this one most since it references his "Parks and Recreation" character...

Me: The man Giants fans spent all year making fun of is now a Giant. New York and former Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett inked a five year deal Friday that will make Garrett offensive coordinator under new head coach Joe Judge. Is this a good thing do you think?

Jeff: It's a bold move, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off. Wait, this isn't Dodgeball and I'm not Jason Bateman. Garrett is a decent coach, let's see what happens when he is a coordinator and not a head coach. Plus having a guy with head coaching experience to back up a guy like Judge who has never been a head coach is never a bad plan. Not only that, if anyone is familiar with a division rival and you have a chance to pick him up and get the scoop? It could definitely help.

Me: Okay, I have to talk about Odell Beckham... Following LSU’s 42-25 win over Clemson to cap off a perfect season and win the National Championship, former Tiger and current Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. was spotted handing out cash to LSU players. This is a really stupid move, right?

Jeff: There's stupid moves, and then there's what Beckham did. It's a violation of the NCAA rules. College players can't get paid, even if in this form. LSU players did have to return the money. But it was a dumb move done by a man who has done some dumb stuff in the past.

Me: And as I mentioned in today's monologue as well an arrest warrant was issued for Beckham after assaulting a police officer during the LSU celebration. What's your take on this?

Jeff: Speaking of dumb moves... honestly? It's much to ado about nothing. Is it a dumb decision to basically spank an off duty cop? Yes. Is it the worst crime in the world? No. But I also wouldn't recommend it. I don't consider it assault. At the least it's sexual harassment.

Me: Okay, I have to mention this... and I will try not to cry... Legendary New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is expected to announce his retirement. Manning will hold a press conference tomorrow to make it official. Eli Manning played his entire career with the New York Giants, racking up 57,027 passing yards and 366 passing touchdowns (both top 10 all time). He is also a two-time Super Bowl MVP, defeating the New England Patriots in both those games. Next stop for Eli will be Canton. Are you surprised? I am... but just a little.

Jeff: Honestly? No, I'm not really surprised. Eli believes he should be the starter but once they drafted Daniel Jones so high, he knew the writing was on the wall. At that point, he either had a choice to sign with another team or retire. You're surprised because you're close to the team. That's your boy. It always sucks when your QB retires. Pretty sure I'll be facing that next year. There are people questioning if Eli will make it into the Hall of Fame. His career has been up and down. He's thrown a lot of interceptions over the years, especially late in his career but I truly believe he will be a hall of famer. He might not be a first ballot Hall of Fame but oh yeah, he will be in Canton. I could also see him joining a football network as an analyst as well. I was lucky enough to go the Magic Kingdom the day after the Giants beat the Patriots the second time. I was off that day and my ex-girlfriend suggested we go. I figured it would be too busy but figured why not? Glad I did. We were even able to get great spaces right along the parade route. Look how young Eli looked!

Jeff: And if I could take a moment I think I need to address something. On this blog we often joke about Antonio Brown, but I truly believe there is something wrong with him. On Tuesday, Brown and his trainer were charged with battery of a driver. His trainer was arrested, but the police couldn't get a hold of Antonio Brown. As of Wednesday evening he has locked himself in his house and is refusing to come out. Clearly something isn't right with him mentally. From some of his tweets to his behavior over the past 365 days it's safe to say. Maybe it's bipolar disorder, maybe it's CTE from too many hits to the head. But I wish the man no harm. I was a fan of his until his last days in Pittsburgh and I hope he gets the help he needs.

Me: Nicely said. What NFL news do you have, Jeff?

Jeff: The biggest news is the sudden retirement of Panthers LB Luke Kuechly. Must like Andrew Luck, he was young. I believe he's still 28 with a lot of football ahead of him. But the nagging injuries became too much. He was a hell of a linebacker though. There are few guys in the league that demanded that much attention as LB so Carolina will definitely miss his playmaking abilities. Of course the biggest news of the week is Tom Brady admitting he would be open to playing somewhere else that isn't New England. It's definitely something to watch in the upcoming weeks!

Me: America has taken back another team from Great Britain and changed the name and logo again...

Me: What do you think?

Jeff: I'm slightly confused by this one. Is that supposed to be the Denver Broncos? Awesome logo though.

Me: Maaayyyybbbeeeee. Okay, so, how did we do with our last picks? You were up by 6, right?

Jeff: That is correct. I went 2-0 in the conference championships and you went 1-1.

Me: So, with the Super Bowl pick we get 3 points if we get it right? Do I have a chance to win?

Jeff: As Vince McMahon's wrestling theme song says, "No chance! No chance in hell." I have clinched the win this year!

Me: Ugh. Okay, it's time to pick the Super Bowl wins... here goes... sigh... I say 49ers by 3. What do you say?

Jeff: Since you have the 49ers to make it fair I will pick the Chiefs by 7.

Me: Okay, Jeff, I will see you back here on the Phile on February 4th. Good luck.

Jeff: Good luck to you!

Me: So jealous! I wish I was there.

What the fuck? If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, there's this local guy who is so fancy, he wanted to come by to the Phile again and tell us something he discovered. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hey, Samual, what did you discover?

Samual: Hello, dear Jason. Take a look at these...

Me: Yeah? So?

Samual: They're so good and fancy.

Me: If you say so.

Samual: I do. And you're not getting any of them.

Me: That's fine with me.

Samual: Okay, then. Bye.

Me: Well then. Samual Phancy, the fanciest man in town, kids. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Things Overheard About Mr. Peanut's Passing
5. Mr. Peanut is dead? I won’t be happy 'til every corporation violently kills off its mascots. Call me when the Pillsbury Doughboy dies from autoerotic asphyxiation.
4. Mr. Peanut is in hell. He spent decades as the smiling face of a company that sold the boiled and roasted corpses of his people as a snack.
3. Waiting for RIP Peanut Super Bowl funeral to be one upped by the Super Bowl assassination of Little Caesar.
2. These marketing IDIOTS think I’m gonna fall for their obvious Mr. Peanut is dead ploy? They’ll have a funeral for Mr. Peanut at the Super Bowl. Here’s the thing: he’s a nut (legume, I know, but still). His buried body will GROW more peanuts. This is how the mascot reproduces.
And the number one thing overheard about Mr. Peanut's passing is...
1. So Mr. Peanut was 6’1” and he hanged himself from a bunk bed? And the two guards who were supposed to be watching him fell asleep while all this was happening? Yeah, sorry, I don’t buy it.

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks, "How long was she had this condition?" "Two years." replies the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Today's pheatured guest is an American former professional football player who was a quarterback in the American Football League and National Football League during the 1960s and 1970s. His book All the Way: My Life in Four Quarters is the 112th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Joe Namath.

Me: Hey, Joe. Welcome to the Phile, sir. How are you?

Joe: Thank you, Jason. Thanks for having me on, man. I am wonderful.

Me: Your book All the Way: My Life in Four Quarters is the 112th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. This goes to prove how my thinking is... your jersey number was 12... get it? One... twelve?

Joe: Good one, Jason. I'm glad to be here, man.

Me: So, you played for the right city but wrong team. I'm a big Giants fan I have to say. You're not from New York originally though, right?

Joe: Nope, I'm from Beaverfalls, Pennsylvania. My father came from Hungary, he was the last child to come over, he had two older brothers. My mom came back and got him. I lived and was raised 28 miles west of Pittsburgh in a small steel mill town. The valleys mostly steel and coal and factories. 

Me: So, did you think you were gonna end up at the steel mill?

Joe: Jason, he took me there, took me to the mill when I was about 11 years-old and he wanted me to see where he worked. And when we got there and went though the men's dressing room with the noises and the lockers slamming and all that kind of stuff he took me out to where the furnace was where he worked in front of and man, the noise and the heat scared me. It really frightened the heck out of me, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I did promise myself I was not going to end up there. 

Me: When did you fall in love with football?

Joe: Well, our neighborhood, we only had three sports 28 miles northwest of Pittsburgh. It was basketball, baseball and football. So I played football and all three sports, we all did as children up until high school.

Me: Football must've meant something meaningful for you, right?

Joe: You know what, Jason? When we are doing something that we're good at we like to get a pat on the back. I was gifted, I was fortunate, I had quick feet, good hands, I was fast, competition was key in the part of town that I was brought up in. I developed some good physical skills as an athlete and a good demeanor you might say from home having three older brothers and an older sister. I used to say, shucks, I thought my name until I was 15 years-old, I thought my name was "Shut Out." Ha ha ha. They kept me kind of even keel. If I did some good things I could've or should've next time I should do them better athletically. That's the way my family was.

Me: So, when you were on the Jets they called you "Broadway Joe." What's the story about that?

Joe: Ha ha ha. When I threw five inceptions in a game I was called a whole lot of other names too. The story behind "Broadway Joe" tag prior from playing to town for the Jets Sports Illustrated Magazine wanted to put me on the cover of the magazine. Two buddies of mine from Beaverfalls drove up to the big city, man, we went over to Broadway and met the people from Sports Illustrated. Man, I never saw so many lights, so much traffic, so much hustle and bustle happening and here we were right at theater hour with me in a football uniform standing on Broadway. Well, when that magazine came out we were at Shea Stadium practicing, we came in after practice and being a rookie had to carry this big helmet, man. Our defensive tackle, a gentleman named Sherman Plunkett who weighed well over 300 pounds and a veteran on the team kind of convinced me in training camp to carry his helmet for him on and off the field. So when I came in with Sherman's helmet after practice in front of our lockers on a stool was that magazine. I sat down and Sherman Plunkett sat straight across the room, this big black man I say we didn't know how much he weighed because the scales only went up to 300 and he was well over it. He's holding that magazine, sitting on that stool and I'm looking at him. He looks up at me across the room and he looks back down at the magazine, then he looks back up again and this big ole grin broke out on Sherman's face. And he said it for the first time. "Oh, Broadway, Broadway Joe." Man, coming from him to this day I got goose bumps thinking about that, man just now thinking about it, seeing his face. That's how it started, Sherman giving me that tag.

Me: Did you like people calling you "Broadway Joe"?

Joe: I liked the spark.

Me: Did you like Broadway?

Joe: Yeah, I loved Broadway. I went to the theater. I watched the Tony Awards. Jason, I don't know if you've seen them but I've never seen such a magnificent show in my life. The show they put on for the Tony Awards was spectacular. I could remember seeing West Side Story the first time I was in there and also Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl. I just marveled at the talent and their abilities. A part of me wanted to be a part of that somehow.

Me: I remember you were on TV a lot and movies the I was growing up. You hung out with James Brown and Elvis. Why do you think you were attracted to that scene of entertaining?

Joe: I'm a Gemini. I like music. I always felt music. I'm not talented myself, well come on, I have not put in enough study of work outstanding of anything when it comes to music or there arts, but I've worked at it. There was a lady I worked with on a motion picture, her name was Linda Evans, and we were working over in Germany with Robert Shaw, Lee Marvin and Max Schell, we got pretty close and I told her I wish I could learn how to sing. I had done some theater prior to that but music was still in my soul and I felt it. She said, "Well, you know, Joe, you can learn to sing." I said, "Come on, get out of here. I can learn to sing..." She said, "You can learn to sing. You could sing and I know a fellow out in Los Angeles who could help you." Jason, you know what, I went and I studied and I got to the point and we took on Li'l Abner. Li'l Abner was the first musical that I did, it was joyful to me, I loved preparing, I loved companies. It got me involved. I had the pleasure if meeting Herman Wouk when he came to see The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial. The music part of it, man, I don't go long in the day without having some sounds on.

Me: You went to the University of Alabama, and at that time something historical was happening, right?

Joe: Yeah, the governor of Alabama stood in front of the school and tried to block black students from entering. The National Guard eventually were called in to make sure these students were admitted. Not only was I the quarterback for the University of Alabama at this time I was actually in the crowd when this was happening.

Me: Wow. What do you remember about from that day?

Joe: I'll tell you, Jason, I was 30 or 40 feet away from Vivian Malone, from the governor when he was preventing... the governor was elected to be there. Governor Wallace was representing the people of the state of Alabama at the time. That's the way they wanted things run. When the federal man stepped in and said, "Step aside, governor, this is now a federal issue." Man, it was wonderful.

Me: Did you know Vivian Malone at all?

Joe: Yeah, I got to know Vivian, and Spike Lee by the way, it's a long family tree, by Spike Lee is part of that family. Anyway, I got to know Vivian because she lived in the same dormitory as the young lady I was dating at the time.

Me: So, what was going through your mind when all this was happening, Joe?

Joe: Jason, I was brought up in a different social structure than the deep south but I learned about my team mates at the University of Alabama. I learned why some people maintained an attitude with what I thought was not quite as respectful should be for one another. It all starts at home, you see where I was brought up my dad taught me respect. We were respectful people, we were respectful kids. We might've misbehaved from time to time but we respected one another. We respected other people regardless of the color of their skin. That system down in Alabama educated me. Got me to understand, boy, this country as young as it was, it was still young and naive and ignorant to the fact that we needed to treat one and another with respect and equally. And we're still going through some of that today!

Me: Yeah, especially in the NFL, there's been a lot of focus on how the NFL is treating their black players recently. Especially with Colin Kaepernick who started kneeling during the U.S. National Anthem to protect police brutality. What is your thought on players taking a knee?

Joe: Well, I wouldn't take a knee when it comes to the pledge of allegiance to the flag or to respect the flag of the United States but I'm not a black man who believes black people have been unjustly treated from time to time simply because of their color. Colin Kaepernick initially behaved the way he did because two people that he knew from his area were gunned down, treated improperly and was just trying to get across the fact there was an unjustice going on, and injustice that wasn't fair. He chose a route that would be recognized but no, I'm for equality, whether it's gender equality or whether it's racial equality and I have been since childhood. It's not healthy for us to carry hatred and anger in our system. It's unhealthy for a person to be looking at someone with hatred and anger over what. Who the heck has made mistakes in the past? None of us are perfect.

Me: In the book you talk about a pivotal part of your life, where you got in trouble years ago. What happened?

Joe: I told a female reporter live on air that I wanted to kiss her.

Me: What do you remember from that incident? 

Joe: Well, I do remember the day of course. It was away we had to get together with the Jets, it was a night game and I had been drinking from at least midday. Maybe the morning on and off. I didn't know that I said that to Suzy Kolber until the next day.

Me: Oh, man. How did you find out and what did you think?

Joe: I got a call from a friend that told me what I had done, how I behaved. Wow. I was very disappointed with myself and my behavior. So I did reach out and called Suzy that morning and asked for her forgiveness and understanding and I apologized and she was a champion. She just inspired me to take a better route in life. I found out because of that incident I needed to change.

Me: The book starts off with you talking to your daughter Jessica and she asks what you want to accomplish with your book. At this stage of your life, Joe, what are you trying to accomplish now? 

Joe: Every day, Jason, I go out and somebody says, "Hey, Joe." Somebody smiles, man. I want people that I meet and come across to have a better day. Jason, when Jessica asked me that question by the way, what do I want to do, I know there are people out there that are underdogs in this big game of life. They don't have what other people coming into life, whether it could be health or materialistic things. But by God, if someone has a passion for something, I try to stress this in the book, don't let anyone tell you who cannot do something. If you got passion, a love, a desire to do something productive that you love... then DO IT! Go for it but don't just back down and say they told you that you weren't good enough. Man, keep after it.

Me: Joe, thanks for being on the Phile. This was a fun interview and please come back again one day.

Joe: This was a trip, Jason. Thank you.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Joe Namath. The Phile will be back on Monday with musician Lucinda Williams. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon