Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Wednesday. How are you? Sketchy government scandals are truly the most interesting stories around because there are always more than just one side. Many say that there are three sides to every story: the two parties involved and the truth. But to those who tune in to watch and speculate, making unwarranted opinions on what they believe is the truth, some things are just too obvious to argue against. Again, we may never truly “know the truth” behind why people do the things they do, but sometimes, the blatantly obvious is just too loud to even doubt. Rudy Giuliani, a 76-year-old politician, has quite the resume when it comes to being involved in the government. He was the 107th mayor of New York City from 1994-2001, and has worked as an American attorney, a cybersecurity advisor, and a politician for the entirety of his political career. Originally a Democrat, he is now a Republican and has worked on President Donald Trump’s legal team as Trump’s personal attorney. And now, it looks like he’s gotten himself into a bit of a pickle, as many politicians do at some point in their careers. Sacha Baron Cohen, known as the darkly comedic character Borat, has come out with a Borat sequel called, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, and there’s a really sketchy scene involving Giuliani. In leaked videos of the scene from the movie, Giuliani goes into a hotel bedroom with a young woman that he thinks is a journalist, but she’s actually Borat’s 15-year-old daughter, Tutar. Tutar, played by 24-year-old actress MariaBakalova pretends to be a legal aged journalist as part of a scheme to become Giuliani’s wife to help Borat make Kazakhstan earn back its country’s glory. The issue at hand is that in the scene, Giuliani is seen being led to the bedroom for whatever reason a female journalist should be reasonably leading someone to the bedroom of a hotel suite. As she’s claiming to want to help him with his mic for the “interview,” they head to the bedroom to “fix the mic,” to which Giuliani proceeds to lie down on the bed and “tuck his shirt in his pants,” as he says. But, the pictures and videos look too sketchy for it to be just that, since what was he even doing in that situation in the first place? You would think a politician would know better than to find himself in a situation like that during an “interview,” considering how easily all of this could go wrong. But that’s what makes this so much more sketchy. With no regards to how this could look in the public eye, Giuliani finds himself there, with seemingly only one thought in mind as if nothing else mattered. And when Borat hilariously steps in to interrupt this “innocent sexy-time encounter” with Borat’s daughter, ironically asking to take her place in offering himself sexually to Giuliani, the hidden cameras catch the former New York City mayor freaking out a bit like a deer caught in the headlights. Giuliani took it upon himself to clear things up on social media in a series of tweets to hilariously cover his tracks. He started with, “(1) The Borat video is a complete fabrication. I was tucking in my shirt after taking off the recording equipment. At no time before, during, or after the interview was I ever inappropriate. If Sacha Baron Cohen implies otherwise he is a stone-cold liar,” and continued to defend himself tweeting things like, “(3) This is an effort to blunt my relentless exposure of the criminality and depravity of Joe Biden and his entire family. Deadline Hollywood reports CAA had a distribution screening in September where there was no mention of the scene holding any importance,” and “(4) We are preparing much bigger dumps off of the hard drive from hell, of which Joe Biden will be unable to defend or hide from. I have the receipts.” Again, White House scandals are always so hilariously interesting and there should probably be an unsaid concept of how politicians shouldn’t find themselves in a hotel room with anyone that could suspiciously ruin their careers just by a mere picture. And with the way fake news media can warp things around, are us as spectators morally obligated to give him the benefit of the doubt? Nah. In all honesty, someone with Rudolph Giuliani’s political experience and age should know better about what appropriate behavior is when interviewing. If your our president’s lawyer, then for Pete’s sake, don’t fall for things like this.
A sinkhole opened up on a sidewalk in the Bronx borough of New York City, causing one man to plummet into the ground and on top of a pile of rats. According to the New York Daily News 33-year-old NYC resident, Leonard Shoulders had been waiting at a bus stop on Third Ave. near East 183rd St. in the Belmont area of the Bronx when the sidewalk literally crumbled beneath his feet. Shoulders tried to hang on but fell 15 feet through the Bronx sidewalk sinkhole and, basically, onto a pile of sewer rats. Once the Bronx man hit the ground the rats swarmed him so thoroughly that he was afraid to yell for help or even open his mouth because he thought the rats would get into his mouth. Shoulders was taken to St. Barnabas Hospital where he is recovering from his injuries. According to family members Cindy White and Greg White, who spoke to news outlets like "NBC New York," Shoulders is absolutely traumatized by his experience… that experience being having the earth fall out from under him and then being nearly consumed by giant filthy rats. Shoulders was eventually pulled out of the rat hole by the FDNY and NYPD before being transported to the hospital. In the interest of public safety, a construction fence is now separating the public from the portion of the sidewalk in disrepair where the sinkhole opened up. Forget disgusting but adorable “pizza rats." These things were foul and frenzied and crawling all over Shoulders. The man is understandably shaken by the experience. Being covered in monstrous rats is probably a, uh, scary situation. Not much else to say there. Hard pass on the rat bath.
In case anyone was wondering at what point school children start to hate getting homework the answer is, apparently, very young. Check this out...
Alright so in truth this little girl clearly had no idea what she was doing. She probably doesn’t hate homework, which at that point in life is probably the equivalent of putting a puzzle together. She probably barely even knows what homework is. It’s still funny though. Definitely social media gold. It even gets a bit of a giggle from her parents. And at least this didn’t happen during a school Nativity play or something.
Again, all that really matters is that her middle finger-flashing antics are funny. And it’s just more fun to imagine that the girl is mad about getting homework during a coronavirus lockdown and wants to let her teacher know how she feels about it. Where did she learn this? Her mom or dad? It probably depends on who drives her around more. Kids don’t miss anything. Ever. They are paying attention the whole time. It doesn’t matter if they don’t know what the gesture means. They will repeat it.
And if you scream a stream of expletives at the television for a bad holding call in your football game, you better one hundred percent believe that they will be repeating at least half of that the next time one of their tiny little classmates keeps the glue stick for too long, or when the tiniest little hangnail in the world causes them just enough pain to want to curse the world the way you do when you realize you have to watch Disney’s Frozen for the 80th time or have become convinced that your alma mater’s football conference is conspiring against your school.
This definitely shows what money does for you, as two billionaires decided to have the pettiest of fights while the rest of the world is freaking out in the midst of a pandemic and social unrest. The two wealthy neighbors had been in quite the standoff that has resulted in multiple legal actions and police calls to both of their massive Orange County mansions.
According to the Los Angeles Times, Pimco’s retired founder and billionaire investor Bill Gross and tech entrepreneur Mark Towfiq have been getting into it over the past year because Towfiq has expressed how annoying it is that Gross’s $1 million outdoor sculpture is blocking his multimillion dollar Laguna Beach view. So what does Gross do? He decides to blast the "Gilligan’s Island" theme song on a loop to torment Towfiq and his wife, to the point where they have filed a lawsuit against Gross for having to escape to a hotel room or stay the night with relatives in order to stop feeling trapped in being forced to also stare at the unnecessarily huge lawn sculpture. The Pimco founder’s installation is a 22 feet long, inspired by Japanese fishing floats. It’s almost 10 feet high, lighting up artist Dale Chihuly’s blown-glass work. Chihuly was responsible for creating the Bellagio hotel’s famous ceiling art in Las Vegas, Nevada. Gross also put a protective netting structure around his installation because he claimed that it was damaged by a “thrown rock.” Immediately accusing Towfiq for the damage, he asked for $50,000 in his own lawsuit for the repair of the damage. Towfiq responded with saying that it was damaged by something falling on it.
Seventy-six-year-old billionaire Bill Gross’s outdoor sculpture...
Towfiq’s official complaint includes that the installation, netting structure, and lights are a city code violation because the structure does not have the proper permits. And that was already a response to Gross’s lawsuit which includes calling out Towfiq’s “peeping tom behaviors” and asking for a temporary restraining order.
I guess this is what it must be like to have billionaire next-door neighbors, especially in Southern California. I mean, of course you want the views of your own home that you paid a hefty price for to remain untainted and uninterrupted, but the fact that this got so out of hand that it reached social media is hilariously disgusting.
In Manhattan, New York, intensity over the 2020 election escalated into more division and conflict as Sunday’s rally organized in favor for President Trump’s reelection called “Jews for Trump” drove caravans through Times Square. As they drove their caravans with huge “Trump 2020” flags hanging high, they were met with anti-Trump protesters who were marching from Brooklyn. And the clash between the two resulted in 11 people getting arrested, people screaming at Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, and a New York City police officer suspended without pay for showing his support for President Trump while on the job.
The New York City’s former mayor, Rudy Giuliani, ran into counter-protesters who were going after Jews for Trump. Police officers said that when the pro-Trump supporters ran into the anti-Trump supporters, they got out of their cars to confront those protesting the president. As the two sides clashed, political slurs were being thrown everywhere, from “fascist” to “anarchist.” Videos show Trump supporter flags being pulled down and put back up as police broke the two groups apart. Eggs were also being thrown, among other things, at cars holding Trump flags while other Trump campaign supporters held banners as they were shouting insults saying, “New York hates you.” Giuliani was driving down Fifth Avenue when he encountered Sunday’s car parade and said, “I would love to have had a campaign commercial of it and put it on in the middle of America and say who would you prefer for the next four years? This group of foul-mouthed people who don’t seem to have a vocabulary beyond three words, or these very nice Jewish people who are driving in the car and not saying anything back and not doing anything other than exercising their right to say they’re for Donald Trump." And as top police officials have strongly expressed the importance of police officers remaining neutral while on the job in order to prioritize the safety of everyone around, an unnamed NYPD police officer lost control and responded to someone who had called him a “fascist.” He used a police loudspeaker and decided to shout out in the midst of the chaos, “Trump 2020. Put it on YouTube. Put it on Facebook. Trump 2020.” He is now suspended without pay for his actions. According to the Jews for Trump website, Sunday’s rally was intended to show unity with “the beleaguered Red Zone community,” referring to COVID-19 hot spots that New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo had designated as areas where schools and nonessential businesses must close to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. It was a response organized by Boris Epshteyn, an adviser to the Trump campaign and co-chair of Jewish Voices for Trump, following weeks of tensions in Brooklyn’s Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods because of the coronavirus restrictions. It was also supported by City Council candidate and leader of Brooklyn protests, Heshy Tischler, on Twitter.
Trump convoys drove from Coney Island to Trump Tower in Manhattan, with the end of the car parade landing in Brooklyn’s Marine Park. As passengers waved American flags, the physical fights resulted in 11 people getting arrested. Five men and two women are expected to be charged with disorderly conduct. Investigators are also looking for two other people seen throwing projectiles at a pro-Trump caravan that was traveling on the Brooklyn HIghway Overpass. Those who were arrested have all been released except one 36-year-old man who threw eggs in the faces of two police officers. Talk about a greatly iconic time for the United States. It takes mad skills for a country to become this divided after making a pandemic more political than it should be.
So, today's guest as you know is the legendary comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Well, did you know that before his TV show was called "Seinfeld" it was called "Peverett"? No, I was the main character in the show. Don't believe me? Here's a screen shot...
Now do you believe me? Haha. I'm a fancy boy. Do you like pizza rolls? You should let them cool down before you stick them in your mouth otherwise you'll look like this...
Have you seen the new Barbie that just came out? Check it out...
Sugar-free gummy bears might seem like a great idea in theory. But, like so many things being sold to us in a capitalist society, there is a catch. Anyone who's ever tried (or worse, binged) on sugar-free candy knows exactly what that catch is.
If you're not sure, just check out this review on an Amazon listing for a 1-lb. bag of Haribo SUGAR FREE Classic Gummi Bears.
Friday on Disney+ the new season of "The Mandalorian" starts, but did you there's a similar show also gonna start on the same day? No? I'll show you...
"So I been close friends with my friend Jack for more than a decade. He lives in a different city now while I still live in our hometown, but we still talk everyday and are basically each other’s confidantes.
Jack has found 'the one.' Last year Jack began dating Ashley and within two months of seeing each other, they moved in together and Jack told me that he really thinks that Ashley is the one. I was happy for Jack because he’s been through a string of toxic relationships before Ashley, and based on the things he tells me about her, she seems like a stable and sweet person. To this day, I have never met nor talked to Ashley for even 15 seconds. Whenever Jack visits our hometown to see his mother, he goes alone or when he’s with Ashley they just stay for just a few hours and Jack never invites me or our other friends to meet Ashley. I don’t ask if I could meet up with them because Jack’s mother is going through chemo so I thought maybe Jack wants to spend the limited time they have with his mom. Jack, his friend Tom and I also play video games online regularly, but he doesn’t include Ashley in our conversations when we do voice coms, even though I know she’s just nearby because I can hear her talking to him. Sometimes I say 'Hi Ashley!' when I hear her in the background and she replies with 'Hello, Nikki!,' but that’s it. Neither of us has really made any effort to know the other better... I guess we were fine with just knowing each other as Jack's girlfriend and Jack's friend. So a few weeks ago Jack suddenly messaged me asking about engagement rings. I asked if he was popping the question to Ashley, and he said yes. I was really happy for Jack, and I decided that I would buy the watch that he wants but hasn’t been able to afford. That way, he can have something he wants for himself after shelling out three grand for an engagement ring. The watch is about $800, which was not spare change for me, but it’s for someone I consider to be my younger brother so I’m fine with spending a bit this time. Jack proposed to Ashley last Friday (October 23rd). I ordered the watch in October 9th and it arrived at Jack’s house last Sunday. While he sounded excited when he thanked me for my gift, Tom later told me that Jack and Ashley fought about it. Apparently Ashley got mad because I gave Jack an ‘engagement gift’ while I didn’t get her anything. My boyfriend told me that what I did was insensitive, I should apologize to Ashley and send her something. To be honest, I don’t understand it though. I didn’t send them an engagement gift that only Jack can use, I just sent my friend a personal gift. I will get them an engagement gift that is for both of them and both of them can use when they have their engagement party. I don’t know why Ashley expects me to send her a personal gift either if that’s the case, because we don’t even have a relationship.
Was I really wrong?" I don’t necessarily think you are wrong but I think it was a little inappropriate. An engagement is a celebration of both of them. It seems like a very personal gift and something that if anything, should be given to him during Christmas or a birthday maybe? I can imagine that Ashley was uncomfortable with such a personal gift being given to her fiancé. Maybe send a gift card for them to go eat a nice dinner to try to rectify? Sooo yeah. Don't do this!
Engagement gifts should be for the couple. And $800 is probably a weirdly high amount to spend!
Now from the home office in Part Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Things Said During The Final 2020 Presidential Debate
5. The President struck a new gentler tone tonight when he deserved his orphan warehouses as clean.
4. I trust nobody on earn that says with a serious face "I know more about wind then you do." Not even if you actually study wind.
3. Biden referred to Trump as "Abraham Lincoln over here" and Trump interrupted to angrily clarify that he is not in fact Abraham Lincoln.
2. Trump constantly saying her's "not a politician" after being the President of the United States for four years is the same energy as me telling my parents I'm not really a bartender.
And the number one thing said during the final 2020 presidential debate was...
1. Skipped the debate... who won? Was it fracking? I bet it was fracking.
Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jefferson, shall we?
A Florida man has taken redneck innovation to glorious new heights with his leaf blower powered car that he calls a “blue-collar limousine.”
Behold...
Do you have a mop bucket, an umbrella, and a leaf blower? Then you too basically have an automobile. Feel free to substitute a skateboard or wheelchair for the mop bucket. Clearwater, Florida janitor Brian Kahrs realized as much the other day and decided to cruise around the town in his newfound, one-man car service.
And people were impressed by how the janitor solved his transportation needs. The New York native turned Floridian was filmed driving around Scientology’s Galactic Capital in his mop bucket motor vehicle and everywhere he went people seemed to appreciate his ingenious invention, even if his blue-collar limo service isn’t exactly suited to transport more than him at this time. Maybe you need to hook an office chair onto the mop bucket? Regardless, everyone from ABC News to USA Today featured the Kahrs’ car and, as expected, people from across the United States are basically saying “lol Florida.”
But no, dammit. This isn’t Florida nonsense. This is American beauty. This is a hot tub in a pickup truck’s bed. It’s a shotgun that shoots blasts of ice-cold Budweiser. It’s an eagle perched on a monstrous pair of fake boobs. It’s a shopping mall with a gun store in it. It’s a fistfight over the strike zone at a little league game. It’s someone dying after winning a chili eating contest. It’s public sex at Disney World.
This man and his invention is a credit to our nation. If Thomas Edison was seen driving around in this 120 years ago people would’ve thought he was a god. As far as I’m concerned Brian Kahrs is an American saint.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Orlando Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Orlando. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Orlando."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Orlando?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."
Phact 1. The cans of Bernard Dehydrated Water that you see floating around the Internet, are indeed a real product. Bernard Food Industries created the product as a gag that store owners could display in stores to give customers a laugh.
Phact 2. After hitting his head in the shallow end of a swimming pool, a man named Derek Amato from Colorado woke with a condition known as acquired musical savant syndrome. He then went on to become a great pianist without ever learning to play.
Phact 3. Red color-blind monkeys who underwent gene therapy by having their eyes injected with a red cone, had their color blindness cured, potentially opening a door for curing color blindness in humans.
Phact 4. Wonder Woman’s sword in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is inscribed a quote from Joseph Campbell’s collection Goddess: Mystery of the Feminine Divine: “Life is killing all the time and so the goddess kills herself in the sacrifice of her own animal.”
Phact 5. Thailand, as part of their family planning program, has police officers who pass out condoms in a campaign called “Cops and Rubbers."
Me: Hello, Jerry, this is so cool to have you on the Phile. How are you doing?
Jerry: I'm good, Jason, how are you?
Me: I'm good. So, you book seems so interesting. Tell the readers about the beginning of the book.
Jerry: In the 60s I'm sitting in legs crossed in my living room eating a bowl of cereal in front of a TV, I'm staring at a comedian in a dark suit and tie on the Ed Sullivan show.
Me: What was going through your mind at that time?
Jerry: Well, in the 70s there were a lot of magical things that happened. There were magical people like Muhammad Ali and John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Sean Connery, they were these magical people that didn't seem real. So stand up comedians I would see on Ed Sullivan like George Carlin or Richard Pryor or Alan King, they were in that group of people I saw as a child thinking maybe they were super heroes or something. It just didn't seem like part of the real world. I wanted to be all of those people that I just mentioned. But it seemed like an impossibility. I couldn't take my eyes off any of them and the comedians particularly seemed like they were having the most fun life of anybody I could imagine. So as I grew and I continued watching them I learned about it very slowly. I couldn't find out about these people what they were doing or how they did it. It really wasn't until I was about 18 or 19 that a book came out called The Last Laugh which was the first book completely about this world of stand-up comedy, And I dove into that book. That was really the doorway that I was looking for.
Me: So, who was one of your favorite comedians back then?
Jerry: Andy Kaufman. He was a guy we heard about out on Long Island. We didn't know his name, we just heard about this guy who was going on stage and he was playing the conga drums and crying because he was bombing. That was the first thing we heard, then we heard that there were these clubs that these young people were going on stage. We were only seeing old comedians for the most part on TV. There were a few young ones, not that many. When we heard about this guy we said we had to go find this guy and we have to see him because he sounded so hilarious.
Me: So, how did it feel when you first started going into Manhattan and going into these comedy clubs?
Jerry: Terrified. Excited. I was just wildly in wonder of what was going on in these rooms and how these people were doing it. I didn't know how they did it. It's funny to look back at it now and to look back at my young self and realize I didn't know what was happening to me.
Me: What was happening to you?
Jerry: That I was being introduced to my calling. That's a funny moment to look back on in my life because the naivety of the moment is very cute in retrospect.
Me: So, at that time you didn't know you wanted to be a comedian?
Jerry: I had no idea, I was this kid who said okay, okay, I'll go in there and I had no idea in that moment my life opened up.
Me: Do you remember the first set?
Jerry: I do. I remember it was sooo depressing and so discouraging.
Me: Why is that?
Jerry: Because when we watch comedy when we're young and we watch it it looks easy.
Me: Yeah, I have done stand-up before and I thought the same thing.
Jerry: Yeah, it doesn't look easy but it looks EASIER than it actually is. I don't know if this is in the book but the thing I could never anticipate is when I go on a stage to make the audience laugh I have no idea how quiet it is before I start talking. Even as I'm talking, I have no idea, there's no laughter going on in the room at all. Unless I make it. It's like making fire in the woods, there's wood I guess we can make a fire. That's technically true but it's a long way.
Me: What got you your first real one, what was the joke that got the first real laugh?
Jerry: The first laugh I got was the left bit, which I have in the book. The negative perception that the word "left" always seems to be associated with. You go to a party and there's nobody there, where did they go, they left. That joke got me an applause for the very first time even talking to the audience. And when they applauded I just froze and I didn't know what to do. I was completely taken aback and I forgot everything I was going to do after that.
Me: Ha. Were you not ready for a laugh?
Jerry: I was ready for a laugh but I was not ready for people to applaud. I didn't have much confidence in myself to do it. I just wanted to do it. I didn't think I had any particular talent.
Me: So, where did your work ethic come from?
Jerry: I got it from reading a George Burns book. Well, somewhat. I really got it from watching the rate of attrition of people that were further advanced than me. I watched people that were in it for five to six years and go on TV and they succeed and quickly fail from the lack of material.
Me: What do you mean? I didn't have a lot of material myself but I didn't do it that often.
Jerry: Yeah, they'll be on "The Tonight Show" and do great then they go on a second time and do okay, the third do bad and then never heard from again.
Me: Is it fun to come up with material and write it, Jerry?
Jerry: It's a lesson that anyone on the arts, or anyone in the creative arts. I took about in the book how it's closer to sports than to arts. Its actually boring work. Like actually sitting down and writing jokes, even though it's not necessarily boring to me.
Me: So, it's boring to write comedy material?
Jerry: All creative work should be drudgery. We don't find great things in large quantities. That's not part of human existence. If we could find someway to accept that life of pure drudgery we could live a long life of the arts. But if we find he drudgery too painful we'll have a short life in the arts.
Me: Did things get better when you discovered the drudgery?
Jerry: Yes, I suddenly saw myself moving through levels. I was getting spots and shows and then I was getting asked to be on TV. And then come back and come back. But I was ready. By the time I got on TV I had been working and learning how to work for five years, which isn't that long. It didn't seem like a long time to me when I was young but I was ready fore them. When they said that was good, can I come back in three months and do it again I would say yes because I knew that I could. Most comedians they would say, "Yes, I'll be back in three months" but they didn't have the material. The material is one of those drip coffee makers, it just comes out really slow. There's no way to speed it up, I have to work hard and have to be able to wait for the good material.
Me: So, would you write down a word like "horse" and think where can I go with that? That's how my brain works.
Jerry: I wouldn't go that basic but I would go "horse back riding." Anything that's not good is good. That's what I'm looking for.
Me: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well, the worst experience is going to be likely something interesting to talk about. So when I went horseback riding and had a horrible experience that's when I'm on to something. If I'm having a horrible experience then I'm in a good place. That's why success is the poison of comedy, which is something I said many times.
Me: What do you mean by that?
Jerry: With success gives me the ability to spare myself of discomfort and difficulty. The more success I have the more money I have, the more I can avoid unpleasantness in life. Unpleasantness is gold, that's the goldmine.
Me: So, what kind of comedian do you see yourself in? A lot of comedians seem mad with rage, but you never do, am I right?
Jerry: Never think I can do comedy without rage and all aggression. It's all candy coated for fun but that is kind of the engine underneath all of it.
Me: You never get too personal about your personal rage, you talk about a shared rage, right?
Jerry: It has to be shared and it has to be so skillfully woven into fun. When Lewis Black starts complaining we love it, we can't wait. There's nothing worse than Lewis Black having a good day. There's nothing there for us. If Don Rickles liked somebody we wouldn't want to watch it. I am not a depressed person but I have enough going on inside of me, let's call it "negative emotion." Without that it's very hard to be funny I think. It's an ingredient in the recipe, it's like mozzarella cheese n Italian food.
Me: Your TV show "Seinfeld" was so successful, my dad loved it. Why do you think it was so successful?
Jerry: Every joke in there, every bit we did was based on something annoying, something we hate, but just because we hate it doesn't make it funny, it's just where we start.
Me: "Seinfeld" is still on TV everywhere. If I turned on the TV here I'll bet it'll be on right now. People have been watching it more and more during the pandemic. Why do you think your show is still so popular? No one watches "Hanging With Mr. Cooper" anymore. That show is not popular.
Jerry: You're wrong, "Hanging With Mr. Cooper" had some funny stuff. I'll give you the Jackie Gleason answer because he was asked this question about "The Honeymooners" his entire life. People would ask why do you think these shows are still on? He had a two word answer: they're funny. Only through the lens of time is the desolation of something that's really funny and kind of funny, that's where I separate myself from the pack. Everything else is of it's time, people talk about political comedy or comedy that is more of of the moment, that's the easiest stuff. The hard stuff is write something that is funny today that people are going to want to see in 20 years. Now I'm doing something.
Me: Writing stand-up for the TV show was that a challenge for you?
Jerry: It was very unpleasant because they were asking someone to work in a way that's not their way. I did to for as long as a I could but then I had to give it up.
Me: Because of the sheer amount of material?
Jerry: If I'm churning out a 60 page script from a blank sheet of paper in three days and then I have to come up with five minutes of stand-up also, and I'm in every scene of the show it gets to be a human impossibility.
Me: You said your comedy is not as quite as good as you want it to be, or something like that. What do you mean?
Jerry: It's so much a part of human existence in general, things are always better or worse or just not quite right. If someone is aggravated and frustrated by those things that energy is also part of the show.
Me: Does that make it hard to do a special?
Jerry: Yes, it does. I just did that 23 hours to kill which some of that material I've been working on there for fifteen years and there are many bits in there that I have done better. We videotaped the show four times and I'm hoping I get to this place where I'm doing it better than I ever done it in my life. It's almost impossible to achieve. That's why I say it's like a sport, that's why I can watch a pitcher throwing a baseball, I know what they're going through, we're trying to get to this place in our mind.
Me: Is that why Jay Leno hasn't done a special do you think?
Jerry: He did a special in the 80s, I forgot what it was called. It had some stand-up in it and some other stuff in it. He feels like he doesn't want to give his act away. I kind of agree with that most of the time. But I got to the point where I felt I needed to be on record because when I'm 65 I don't know what's going to happen, we never know what's going to happen. But I wanted this to be on record if something happens.
Me: You talk a lot about cereal in your career, so is there a difference between a cereal at night and in the morning?
Jerry: In the morning I'm thinking positive, I try to think positive in the morning, let's try to make this a good day. So I almost always have oatmeal which I like anyway and it's a great cereal, its good for you, and at night it's Frosted Flakes.
Me: Jerry, oatmeal is not cereal.
Jerry: All right, it's in a bowl.
Me: So is soup.
Jerry: I have a spoon. I've got milk. I've got brown sugar.
Me: Okay. But still. Oatmeal is not cereal. Anyway, thanks so much for being on the Phile. My friend Rich is a big fan and this would make his day this interview.
Jerry: Thank you, Jason, it was really fun to talk to you. Glad to make Rich's day. Oatmeal is cereal.
Oatmeal is not cereal. I have a TikTok at pevphile2020 and I will ask on there if oatmeal is cereal. Anyway, that about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my great guest Jerry Seinfeld. The Phile will be back on Saturday with It's The Great Trumpkin, Peverett Phile 5 Pheaturing Orville Peck. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Kiss your brain.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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