Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday, how are you? Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating. It's very American to decide we are bored with COVID and therefore it is over. Just saying.
An absolutely absurd video out of Indonesia that shows a wild monkey ride a scooter up to a toddler and then leap off and attempt to kidnap said toddler by dragging it away is making the rounds on the Internet and, truly, no amount of literally recapping word for word what happens in the video will actually prepare you to watch it. Here's a screen shot to wet your appetite...
The video isn’t overly violent, per se. At least not unless you have an extremely low tolerance for watching toddlers get hurt (this looks like, all said and done, it’s the pain equivalent of a little kid falling while running). It’s just that… it’s a video of a wild monkey riding a scooter up to a toddler and then leaping off before attempting to kidnap said toddler by dragging it away. How does that happen? Which part? Any of it. The attack happened in the East Java city of Surabaya, Indonesia. It involved a traditional form of Indonesian street entertainment known as “topeng monyet,” or a masked monkey. The monkey usually performs while accompanied by music but for whatever reason this monkey decided to start yanking on the toddler instead. After the attack onlookers chided the monkey’s owner for not handling the technically wild animal better, and then chastised him again when he started beating the monkey for behaving like the wild monkey that it is, because they believed that the owner shouldn’t be using the animal for entertainment purposes in the first place. Imagine adding that extra bucket of stress to your parenting duties? Worrying about your kid wandering into the pool or out into traffic or sticking their finger in an electrical socket while also dealing with the imminent threat of some sleazy street performer’s monkey popping off on your helpless child at any moment. No thanks.
Arrest this woman right away! I will never understand how people have it in them to hurt innocent animals. People like her do not deserve to be out in the open, especially after hurting this beautiful German Shepherd who was under attack. According to the Idaho Humane Society, the incident is now under investigation after a Snapchat video surfaced showing a young woman punching a dog. The video was circulating among several social media platforms, promoting an uproar. The original source of the video has been taken down, but several copies were made to ensure authorities find the woman accused. The video, which originated in Boise, shows a woman wearing boxing gloves and repeatedly hitting a German Shepard in the face and head. The young woman punches the dogs at least nine times, as people in the background appear to be heard laughing. At one point, the dog yelps in pain, as the woman stops to explain, “I hit him so hard, I felt that.” After the video was posted, the Idaho Humane Society stated their Animal Care and Control officers received an overwhelming amount of phone calls and emails about the incident. The IHS launched an official investigation and luckily have identified the people involved, but have yet to name them. The Ada County Prosecutor’s Office could charge the woman under a local law that addresses harassing and beating animals. The misdemeanor charge carries a maximum sentence of up to six months in prison and up to $5,000 in fines. Through a statement, The Idaho Humane Society reassured they are working “to protect all animals from abuse. We also believe that because domestic animals are a product of human intervention, we have a very special obligation to them in regard to humane treatment and responsible stewardship.”
A Kentucky woman was filmed on TikTok buying some gas at an S J Food Mart near Lexington. She was wearing a face mask in order to help curb the spread of coronavirus. Typically, all of this would be totally normal, considering the current circumstances. The woman had, however, made an unusual adjustment to her face mask. She cut a hole in it so that it would be easier to breathe. This, of course, defeats the entire purpose of a face mask, which is to contain what a person exhales, on the off chance their breath might have a big ole helpin’ of coronavirus in it. The cashier at S J Food Mart, Joe Samaan, filmed the woman as she checked out. Her's a screen shot of this...
In the video, Samaan asks her about the mask and, specifically, the hole in it. The woman explains, “Well since we have to wear them and it makes it hard to breathe, this [cutting it] makes it a lot easier to breathe.” The clip has since been viewed nearly a million times. This poor lady. No one deserves to go viral like this. Is her mistake worthy of being laughed at? Yeah, sure. It’s worth a chuckle and a head slap. But, despite this being a glaring, inexplicable mistake, it’s still probably an honest one. She’s not out here acting like coronavirus is a hoax. She’s just not… very well informed. How did no one else stop this lady? Does she live alone? Did one of her gal pals not see this invention of hers? If they had you’d assume they would be like, “Oh, honey, no, no, no. No. That’s not how this works.” I get that this cashier probably wanted to either a) make fun of this lady rather than help, and/or b) didn’t want to have to explain the reality to this woman, but it’s actually pretty messed up he didn’t tell her that what she was doing was wrong.
Three people have been charged with murder in the killing of a Family Dollar security guard who enforced a face mask policy. According to authorities, 43-year-old Calvin Munerlyn from Flint, Michigan was shot while working after he got into a verbal altercation. The woman was reportedly not wearing a mask while inside the store. Identified as Sharmel Teague, 45, she began yelling at the security guard and then spit at him. That’s when Munerlyn told the women to leave the store and asked the cashier not to serve her. When she left the store, she returned with two men identified by authorities as 44-year-old Larry Teague and 23-year-old Ramonyea Travon Bishop. Bishop allegedly then shot Munerlyn in the back of the head. Michigan State police identified the suspects as a family, with Teagues being spouse and wife, and Bishop their son. According to Genesee County Prosecutor David Leyton, “From all indications, Mr. Munerlyn was simply doing his job in upholding the Governor’s Executive Order related to the COVID-19 pandemic for the safety of store employees and customers.” All three defendants are charged with first-degree premeditated murder and felony firearm charges. Bishop and Larry Teague are also charged with additional felony firearm charges and violations of the governor’s executive order. Sharmel Teague is said to be in custody, but her husband, Larry Teague, and Bishop are still at large and are currently being sought by police. The community is said to be distraught by Munerlyn’s death and is survived by his eight children and spouse. A family friend started a GoFundMe page to help the family with funeral expenses which has raised over $300,000. His family members recognized the security guard as a “husband, a friend, a protector, and a provider.” The news comes as Michigan made national news as President Donald Trump publicly clashed with Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer over when to reopen the state itself. Whitmer moved to extend the COVID-19 shut down last week after armed protesters decided to storm the Capitol. Under the governor’s order, people are still required to wear face masks in public, and stores are allowed to refuse service to anyone who isn’t wearing a mask.
Okay, I'm gonna teach you something... Water bottles should never be left in the car. Yes, this sounds about as counterintuitive as being told that the best way to help a choking victim is to shove more food down their throat in order to dislodge the obstructing piece of ham. It’s true, though. Water in your car is, surprisingly, a fire hazard. More specifically, plastic water bottles are a fire hazard. If direct sunlight catches full plastic bottles at the right angle they basically turn into a magnifying glass, and your Toyota Corolla’s car seats and other surfaces become the ant beneath its fiery beam. This according to the Midwest City, Oklahoma Fire Department. From KFOR, “The sunlight will come through, when it’s filled with liquid, and act as a magnifying glass as you would with regular optics,” said David Richardson with the Midwest Fire Department. “It uses the liquid and the clear material to develop a focused beam and sure enough, it can actually cause a fire, a combustion,” said Richardson. In a test at the Midwest City Fire Department, sunlight magnified through a bottle of water reached 250 degrees. The extra heat can focus on a car’s interior materials, such as fabrics seats or mats, and potentially set them on fire. It’s not hard to imagine somebody driving to a 4th of July celebration with a backseat full of fireworks and water bottles (and some whiskey and tequila), parking to grab some more party supplies, and coming back to find a rainbow of patriotism exploding out of their minivan in the grocery store parking lot. To be honest that’d be worth paying to see, assuming no one got hurt. The Idaho Power Company put out a Facebook post demonstrating the dangers that water bottles pose when in your car. It’s really real. It doesn’t even have to be a hot car! It happened to a guy while he was in his car with the A/C going. In other news, vegetables now cause obesity and arguing politics on Facebook is a great idea.
Mother's Day is a few days away and of you're looking for a card to get your mom, how about this one?
When you open the card, it says, “And especially this weekend let’s make sure we give a really extra special thanks to the moms. I love you!” Man, those people with the protest signs drive me nuts. Check this one out...
Ugh! Did you see the new ad for hydroxychloroquine? I have it right here...
Hahaha. Hey, future kids, this is Paul McCartney...
That's bad. Never mind. Here is something that will make you smile, a pic of "dog food."
It's Thursday, you know what that means...
That one is not too bad, right? Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Questions Gen Z Has About Millennials
5. Why did so many people in the 2000s buy PT Cruisers?
4. Did people in the early 2000s really never wear bras or was that just on "Friends"?
3. Why did people in the early 2000s wear jeans UNDER their dresses? Like who thought that was a good idea?
2. Did people in the early 2000s hang those fashion track suits up in their closet? Seems like a dresser drawer type of thing. Did they dry clean them?
And the number one question Get Z has about Millennials is...
1. If we have Netflix and chill did people in the 90s Blockbuster and bang?
Okay, let's see what's happening in Port Jeff today. You know I only do this to amuse myself, right? I had a few emails saying what's the point? The point is I miss Port Jeff and was planning on going back this year but this stupid coronavirus shit happened.
There's a few people chilling with their dogs I think. A few f you asked what is this area of Port Jeff called and it's Harborfront Park. Back when I lived there they didn't have this park. The park opened in 2000 I believe.
If you spot the Mindphuck then let me know.
The 123rd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Sally Field will be on the Phile tomorrow. I'm so excited. Okay, wanna laugh?
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Today's guest is an Emmy award-winning American actor and stand-up comedian, and cast member of the sketch variety show "Saturday Night Live." Please welcome to the Phile... Chris Redd.
Me: Hey, Chris, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Chris: Legal guns in the air! Great to be here on this very funny blog, man. You're a funny writer, I like it.
Me: Thanks. And thanks for reaching out to ME. It's great to have you here. So, readers of the Phile will mostly know you from "SNL." How did you get to be a cast member on that show?
Chris: People love this story so I try to add another detail every time I tell it so I don't get bored with it. So, I was in space and I landed on Lorne's house and he was like, "Who's up there?" Ha ha. I always describe it like the music business... when they're looking for a new artist. Like the old fashioned way, I feel like I'm a granddad... "Back in my day." People used to have mixed-tapes and stand on corners, now there's Soundclouds? Remember the gramophone? The old way we would do it, a song would get popular in the hood and someone would hear it, it'll get played in the clubs and the DJ would break the record and all of a sudden like it's pretty much everywhere. I think it's a little bit of that, there are talent scouts that work there that are constantly looking for a new person. Then there's people that work there who all have friends because we all came from the comedy community.
Me: Do you ever get friends asking you for help to get on the show?
Chris: Please don't have me refer you. Ha ha. I cover my bases real quick.
Me: I'm not, but if someone does ask you how do you handle that?
Chris: I'm a very nice guy but very real. I'm not gonna help that much. If there's someone I'm going to refer for the show, and this pretty much goes for everybody, I'm going to go to them, I'm not gonna wait. "Man, I hope one day someone comes out of nowhere and tells me their dreams!" I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm going on a tangent.
Me: How do you get ready for a show, Chris?
Chris: I drink sixteen Redbulls and mainline one. I don't think I could mainline liquid. I don't know anything about mainlining.
Me: Neither do I. And I don't like Redbull... they say Redbull gives you wings.,, nope, it gives me the shits.
Chris: Sorry to hear that.
Me: So, you started out doing stand-up, right? What was that like?
Chris: I was on stage all the time and I was like whoever comes to town they're gonna know me because I'm gonna be on every stage there is. That's like what I saw every city as when I'm in it.
Me: Chris, where are you originally from?
Chris: I was born in St. Louis, Missouri and moved to Naperville, Illinois when I was about 8-years-old.
Me: Where were you when you started doing comedy?
Chris: In Chicago, of course, and when when I moved to L.A. I wanted to be on as many stages as possible so if anybody was looking for a thing... The more stages there's more probability someone was going to see me and maybe like consider me for a thing. That's just kinda what my whole thing was.
Me: I bet you have a large work ethic, am I right?
Chris: Yeah, I'm insane.
Me: What was the "SNL" audition like?
Chris: It's nerve wrecking, man. A little bit. The showcase though is just like any other showcase. Of course I knew what it could mean, but it's so high of improbability it's not gonna mean that. I could never go into it being just nervous. My first showcase I did for them was in L.A. at the Groundlings and I had done four other shows that night, so I was already a little tipsy. Tipsy in a great way to tell jokes though. I was feeling really fun and I wasn't just gonna put too much on the audition. I was like I'm just gonna go in there and do what I've been doing because I've been on tour all the time so I know my set. There was no characters I made up today, I was working this all summer, I feel great comedically, I'm just gonna go in there and do my thing. That's what I did.
Me: So, how did you find out you got the call-back to go an audition?
Chris: I was in New Orleans opening up for Jay Pharoah at Tulane University... I think this is all true... yeah, and I was starting to talk to him and I told him I just did the showcase and he gave me some pointers because he had just left. They called me while I was walking to get a baguette.
Me: Ha. So, what was it like when you got to the set of "SNL" for the first time?
Chris: When I got to the building and to the set on 8-H I was like oh, I'm kinda excited about this. I talked to everybody I had worded with before like Andy and all the Long Island guys. I talked to Tim Meadows a little bit and they all say the same shit, "Don't expect any laughs. It's a hard room." So I thought I'm just gonna do my thing. So I walked in and I was like "that's the stage." All of it was hitting me because I'm a rebel and so when I was coming up in Second City Chicago everybody was so fixated on "SNL" that it made me almost not want to do. I don't like "SNL." I don't like it when people telling me if I don't make it on this thing then I'm not going to make it, which is so untrue. Regardless if I'm on it now it makes me feel giddy but doesn't mean I'm going to be the greatest that I'm supposed to be. Everybody has a path, right? So I'm like forget all that, plus I looked at every black person that they had and I was like it's even harder for us. So I wasn't fixated on it, but once I got to the stage I was thinking of all the sketches I loved, all the people that came from there. Eddie and Rock and Tracy, oh, man, it'll be cool to be one of them. So I went up and did my thing and I got laughs and I felt great. I felt cocky, dude. Not cocky like I told everybody I crushed it, good luck. In my own mind I was like nobody can tell me nothing, I did my thing, I put it all out on the floor.
Me: So, how did you find out you were now an "SNL" cast member?
Chris: I got back on the plane to fly back to L.A. and I was flying with Melissa Villaseñor and Alex Moffat and some blogger released that Mikey Day got moved up, which is true and I got the job which I hadn't yet, I hadn't gotten the call. I was like what is happening? By the time I landed it was everywhere, in my world it was everywhere. Everybody in Chicago knew, I was getting all these congratulations.
Me: Did you get a call from the "SNL" people by then?
Chris: Nope, still no calls. I'm calling everybody and I got ahold of my agent and I was like, "Who is the dude? Tell him to take it down." I'm hitting the guy up on Facebook to tell him to take it down. I don't want them to think I did this. Lorne likes to control how PR goes out about the show, which makes sense. Also I've been hired for things before so I know how it works. I don't find out from Twitter that I got job, that's insane.
Me: You won an Emmy for your music on the show, Chris, which is cool. Congrats. I watched some videos on YouTube of you on "SNL" and I have to show this pic...
Me: Tell the readers what that is. It's very funny.
Chris: It's my favorite genre. That is myself, Kenan Thompson and Chance the Rapper singing the Boys 2 Men parody "Come Back, Barack."
Me: What was like winning the Emmy?
Chris: Growing up the Emmys to me was like we cannot watch cartoons because our parents watched all the award shows. I didn't like the Emmys at all, I didn't understand the Emmys. I was like why are we watching these people congratulate other people that we watch on other days? It made no sense and then they were like "you're up for an Emmy" and I was like "what?" I knew it was big when I got there. I went to it before and everybody was like everybody is famous and I was walking around just like trying not to be an idiot in front of my favorite actors.
Me: What was it like the year that you won though?
Chris: I was like I've been on the show for a year and I was seeing other departments win and I was oh, this is why it's cool. I get it. I wanted to see people in my make-up department win. They are the best of the best, I'm so lucky to be here because all the departments make that place so dope, man. Everybody is just so cool and hardworking. They can work and still be able to riff and have fun and that's inspiring to me because I'm always trying to outwork everybody around me.
Me: What's your favorite thing about being on the show?
Chris: I love the wig department. I like my characters having facial hair and shit I can't grow and actual hair. They make some of the craziest things for me, man. I love trying to come up with something and saying we should try something like this and have them make it. All of it is so cool, man.
Me: How many jobs did you have before being on "SNL"?
Chris: Over fifty jobs.
Me: What was your worse job?
Chris: Oh, man. My worst job didn't have a name, that's how bad it was. I showed up, it was a temp job, I worked three months so not as temporary as it should've been. It was me and this African guy and we were working in this big old warehouse. What we did all day was with this one rod and two blades for maybe a week of work we were scraping white lines so that somebody else can come and put yellow lines on when we scraped. I was like why just not paint over the lines? They were like no. So we would just scraped for days and days, just us. There was no other technology? We have spaceships! Why do they have just two men scraping lines all day? It makes no sense but I did it because I'm a hustler. He would tell me stories about Africa and it was beautiful and that was for the first five hours. Then the next day I was like if I heard one more thing about Africa...!
Me: Hahahaha. So, before you "SNL" you were a rapper, right?
Chris: Yeah. For about 15 years.
Me: You play Kanye on "SNL" which I think you do a good job. He has been open about his mental health issues, so does that mean you have to have some sensitivity around that?
Chris: I don't like to make fun of mental issues. I suffer from depression and my good friend Pete Davidson and all the things he has going on. Many people in my life have. And way before any of this stuff, that stuff has always been around and for me personally he's someone I'm a fan of and he's disappointed me like all people do at times. And also brought some great things to the world to in our culture so it's kinda like my way of working through what's going on with him. And trying to find things about Kanye that not really about the mental health and about who he is as a person.
Me: Who is he then?
Chris: He created a world where he can kinda be a child. He's a genius and he's smart and he's also kinda like a kid. I guess like "my ideas are good, all of them are good." It's that innocence that I like to play with. So I just try to find things that aren't always harming on that. That's not where the jokes lies for me personally.
Me: Chris, thanks for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun. Thanks for reaching out...
Chris: Thanks for having me and you better come and see me on the show, bro, when we start doig live shows again.
Me: Next time I'm in New York City maybe I will.
That about it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Chris Redd for a fun interview. I like him. The Phile will be back tomorrow with actress Sally Field. Spread the word, not the turd... or the virus. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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