A Peverett Phile Christmas 11 Pheaturing Sting

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday... it's not just any entry of the Phile... it's a Peverett Phile Christmas 11. Happy Hannukah to my Jewish readers. "What the hell is Hannukah?" said every solipsistic evangelical Christian ever.
With so many holiday products getting rolled out every Christmas season, it's a wonder that major mistakes don't happen more frequently. But now one big story in particular has Santa blushing. Family-friendly retailer Walmart committed a major oopsie recently by selling a controversial sweater on their marketplace featuring Santa kicking back and enjoying drugs ahead of his big day. Check it out...

The sweater was listed for sale on Walmart's Canadian website and depicted Santa, complete with dialated pupils, seated in front of a coffee table lined with drugs and the words "Let It Snow" emblazoned across the front. Even more unbelievable was the product description for this ugly Christmas sweater...

Walmart apologizes for selling a Christmas sweater that implied Santa was doing drugs. This might be the first time Santa himself landed on the naughty list. Walmart was quick to pull the product and issue an apology, stating, “These sweaters, sold by a third-party seller on Walmart.ca, do not represent Walmart’s values and have no place on our website. We have removed these products from our marketplace. We apologize for any unintended offence this may have caused.” But it was too late and word of their wild holiday sweater had quickly spread across social media. Many were wistful they missed out on purchasing this hotly-debated sweater. No word on how many people managed to snag this sweater before it was removed. To them, I hope they share the reactions they got from wearing it at office holiday parties and family gatherings this year.
A dad who is a master of both Photoshop and pranks showed us all how it's done when he tricked his wife into thinking he purchased a ridiculously oversized Christmas tree. His photoshop skills are so good that she completely fell for it. GET THESE TWO A HOLIDAY ROM COM, STAT. When the man's wife, Lisa, sent him Christmas tree shopping, she clearly had some misgivings. Because she texted him to check in, asking "how'd the tree search turn out?" Playing into her fears, he responded with a photo of an oversized tree strapped on to the top of their van. She immediately noticed that the tree in the photo would be too large for their house, responding "OMG!!! How big is that thing?!?!" and adding "And how are you getting it in the house?!" Prankster husband responded, casually, "not that big. I mean it wasn't the biggest one they had," adding "I think it's 13 feet? Maybe 14." Lisa, no longer trying to disguise her panic, responded, "our ceilings aren't even that tall!!!" And when her husband insisted their ceilings are "huge!" she pointed out "yes, but only 12 feet huge!" Prankster dad then sent his wife a second photo... this one showed the enormous tree squeezed into their 12-foot-tall living room. If you look closely, you can see it's photoshopped.

Lisa was clearly too panicked at this point to notice. Lisa, still trying to stay calm, asked how much he paid for the tree. He told her it was $190, calling this "a deal" (it's not). She then responded that she's "legitimately trying not to lose my shit" (a thing people say when they're legitimately losing their shit.) The husband, probably in the interest of saving his marriage, finally revealed he had been messing with her and the photos were photoshopped. Her response: "I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" (A thing you say when you love someone.) This may have been a prank, but the story hit close to home for a lot of people online. After screenshots of the convo were shared on Imgur, commenters responded with their own stories of oversized Christmas tree purchases. This story makes me want to do the same thing next year. Haha.
This week in the ongoing War on Christmas and/or gender, reporter and self-described “Resident Catholic Monarchist of The Daily Wire” Paul Bois felt very attacked by an ugly Christmas sweater sold at Target. The item was originally described as a “Gender Inclusive Gingerbread Long Sleeve Sweater,” which prompted Bois to leap to the defense of gingerbread men everywhere. Hers's this sweater...

Bois wrote an entire Daily Wire article on the sweater, which may have resulted in Target changing the wording of the item listing to “Gingerbread Long Sleeve Ugly Holiday Sweater.” “As the image shows, the new ‘Gender Inclusive Gingerbread’ (fill in the blank) has no unique features distinguishing itself from the average Gingerbread Man, and yet, the Target online store literally bills it as the ‘Gender Inclusive Gingerbread Long Sleeve Sweater’ with absolutely no accompanying description as to what classifies it as ‘gender-inclusive,’” Bois writes. Apparently, it didn’t occur to him that “gender-inclusive” might have been another term for “unisex.” Target often uses the term to describe unisex clothing items on its website, as Media Matters editor-at-large Parker Molloy pointed out. Target has developed a reputation for being queer-friendly, celebrating Pride Month each year with rainbow merchandise and displays, to the horror of homophobes everywhere. Nobody has ever seriously had a problem with the term “gingerbread man,” and even Bois himself admits that one cafe in New Zealand that sold a “gingerbread gender-neutral person” cookie was doing it as a joke. And yet, he still highlighted Facebook reactions from his fellow conservatives taking the name change way too seriously. It’s almost like conservatives are the ones who look for things to be offended about. Anyway, the sweater is currently on sale for $15.
Up on the housetop, you might pause after seeing this NSFW Christmas light display that is alarming residents in a Kansas neighborhood.

Turns out there’s nothing questionable about it. A 60-foot string of lights festooning the sloped roof of Shelby Gash’s home is deliberately arranged to look like a penis. Gash confirmed with FOX 4 what her creation is that is causing quite a stir. “A giant glowing dick.” Gash’s intentions were to lift everyone from the doldrums of stress and anxiety that can accompany the season. “The neighborhood’s kind of, like, vibe’s kind of gone down ’cause everyone’s kind of uptight. So it’s more of a, kind of, orneriness.” The 24-year-old resident in Lenexa, Kansas initially witnessed laughter after erecting the illuminated schmeckle. “People think it’s hilarious. People are stopping in the middle of the night taking photos and laughing.” And while it came upon a midnight clear, some of the residents in Whispering Hills didn’t find the holiday tallywacker very funny. So Gash apologized on Facebook. “Sorry neighbors. I felt the need to make a giant dick on the roof ’tis the season!” She posted the X-rated images along with her apology. That there is no landing strip for Santa’s sleigh. That is the dude pole. When FOX 4 asked neighbors to identify the shape of lights, Marcelo Vergara said without a hint of irony, “Well, it looks like a penis. A giant lit up penis.” “Well it’s certainly a statement,” Vergara continued, stifling a chuckle. “I don’t know to what but probably not appropriate for the neighborhood.” Vergara’s wife added, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if I would’ve driven. I probably would’ve wrecked my car. Laughing.” That was what Gash was going for... sans car crash. “People think it’s so much fun. I think there’s a lot more laughter than it’s bringing out anything uncomfortable.” After being alerted to negative comments and how it could upset neighbors with children, Gash was forced to unplug and remove the naughty display. The holiday clanger lasted four days. “I wish people would come up to me if they’re really bothered by it.” And while that penis was lit, all good things come to an end. Marcelo said, “I think that it’s probably not in the Christmas spirit. Now, we got it. Let’s move on.” The Christmas wars are on. Phallus Navidad.
We all know those people who put their holiday decorations up the day after Halloween. I never understood the obsession with throwing some decorations up well over a month before needed. Seemed a little much to me. Now I’m left here feeling like a hater because apparently early decorations will make you happier and change up your whole state of mind. At least that’s what some experts and good ole science believe. If that’s the case I’m about to throw some lights up and crank some Mariah Carey Christmas music all year long. If this is scientifically proven the way the world is going we might need a Christmas twelve months a year. While Santa may shed some pounds, I will not be complaining. Don’t underestimate the power of the early holiday spirit people. After hearing putting your decorations up early will lead to improved happiness, I was skeptical. Then I began thinking, everyone does love the holiday season. I can rarely think of a time when people are nicer. So, I guess it makes sense... but I was still wondering how experts have come to this conclusion. Steve McKeon is a psychoanalyst who has a take on the matter that I feel like a lot of us could hop on board with. “Decorations are simply an anchor or pathway to those old childhood magical emotions of excitement. So putting up those Christmas decorations early extend the excitement!” He also believes this can lead to gaining more friends even though it may sound stressful. The idea is that the decorations make you seem more approachable. The longer these decorations are up the longer you seem more approachable. Makes sense. Psychotherapist Amy Morin believes this also believes the increase in happiness has much to do with nostalgia. Nostalgia brings back happiness from pulling memories from one’s most positive times. “Nostalgia helps link people to their personal past and it helps people understand their identity. For many putting up Christmas decorations early is a way for them to reconnect with their childhoods. It may be a bittersweet feeling. Perhaps the holidays serve as a reminder of when a loved one was still alive. Or maybe looking at a Christmas tree reminds someone of what life was like when they still believed in Santa. For people who have lost a loved one, the holidays may serve as a reminder of happy times they had with that person in the past. Decorating early may help them feel more connected with that individual.” So after all things taken into account, I retract my hating and apologize. If throwing those decorations up in August is what makes you happy then go for it! Keep em up until Saint Patrick’s day who cares? Your house, your rules, your happiness. I never understood those people who go crazy over the top decorating but now I think I get it. Keep it up, my friends, I’m talking about your holiday decorations, not the other thing (get your mind out of the gutter).
Instead of doing this little blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Ummm... maybe not. Well,you heard about Elf on a Shelf, right? How about...

Speaking of the Elf on the Shelf, some times he just goes a little bit too far...

Oh, boy. What's your favorite Christmas TV special? Mine is "A Batman Christmas." That's a real thing, check it out.

Ha! So, did your kid write a letter to Santa yet? I bet it's not as clever as this letter...

"Another penis." Yep. That's what it says. Hahahaha. Last night I was watching the movie Home Alone, which is not to be confused with Stallone Alone. What is that you ask? I will show you...

Oh, man, that's creepy. Okay, let's talk about Star Wars for a minute. I was so puzzled about the opening scroll...

Ha. Speaking of "Baby Yoda," here's a screenshot of this week's "Mandolian" episode...

The Child is okay. See? They told me if I go to Walmart I'll see some odd things. I didn't believe it until I saw this...

If I had a TARDIS I would like to go to my house on Long Island in the 80s when I was a kid again on Christmas Eve when Santa himself showed up...

Now I want to cry. I know what will cheer me up... a random picture of Yvonne Craig.

Once you get caught in a fit of laughter, it can be pretty difficult to stop. Laughing is amazing, but it's also an involuntary response that can cause a lot of problems if it isn't an appropriate reaction. Combine an uncontrollable fit of laughter with the sacred craft of a children's Christmas play and you have a real recipe for at least one angry parent... Christmas plays performed by children are generally always pretty hilarious. There's usually only one or two kids who know how to speak up and everyone else's lines are either forgotten or vague whispers. If it's a church pageant, there's definitely some awkward hand holding between Mary and Joseph and usually at least one of two kids who have to play some sort of poorly costumed barn animal. A Phile reader emailed me to ask if he should feel guilty about his behavior at his nephew's Christmas play. Beware, this story paints a very clear and hilarious picture that might ruin future children's performances...

"Okay, so I have a feeling I know the answer to this one already... but I just want to see from a bigger point of view. My nephew is 8... he was staring in his first Christmas play, my sister invited me to it since I was coming to see her that day anyway. We all get in, all the kids in the school are sitting down in front of the stage and all the parents/family are standing at the back. My nephew was playing as a reindeer. Everyone in his class has an equal role, about 2-3 lines worth of stuff to say. My nephew was brilliant, nailed his lines, he really looked like he enjoyed himself, so then we just had to stand and wait for all the other kids to have their parts and then we get to congratulate the kids after. This one girl, same age as my nephew was playing Mrs. Claus... she was visibly nervous and shakey, it came off more cute than awkward... as she was saying her lines, she got a bit flustered and forgot a part... she got a little stuck on it and there was silence for about 4 seconds. Then all of a sudden, the girl just said, "Oh fuck! I forgot!" There were a few gasps among the parents... all the kids were sniggering, but I just lost it, I don't know what it is about young kids swearing but I found it hilarious. I was snort laughing and many people turned around to look at me, I tried to take myself out of the hall and try to compose myself, but I got to the door and I just ended up falling over and laughing harder, I was wheezing, my stomach hurt and I just couldn't contain myself. I'm a 30-year-old man and this was my defeat. The doors are just glass doors so I crawled out to the hallway just outside of the main stage hall but you can clearly still seem me through the door and I'm assuming you could still hear me. I took myself to the toilet... splashed some water on my face and returned to the hall. Some parents and kids kept looking at me and giggling, understandably so. After the play finished, I congratulated my nephew, said how good he did, and then I saw the little girl who swore and her mom, I went over to apologize for laughing... the daughter seemed absolutely fine, she was just happy that she was on stage but the mom was very annoyed with me. I said sorry to her and the mom said something along the lines of "Remember where you are, it's very immature to laugh at children." and took her daughter away. My sister said not to worry about it, the mom is a bit of a fun sponge anyway, but I feel a bit bad about what happened. EDIT for clarification and FAQ: I only fell on the floor laughing when I got to the door, only a few parents at the back would have seen that part. This wasn't my son, it was my nephew, it says that in the subject line. The initial snort-laugh when the girl first said it was the only part where people were staring at me and giggling. I cannot stress enough that I didn't do this for attention and to steal the light, I'm not that type... I've had a rough few months with some deaths and I think that may have factored into why I laughed so hard at this. I'm a gay 30-year-old with no kids so this one really took me by surprise (evidently)." I definitely don't blame this guy for laughing especially since a child swearing during a Christmas show is incredibly funny. Of course, if he was a massive distraction and made the child feel bad then it would be different but he excused himself from the room and tried his best to be polite. I would have done the same. The mother is an asshole for misreading the situation. She knows the rest of the room will assume the kid picked it up from her and she's embarrassed by that. When she should be proud. Kids swearing shouldn’t be funny but when they do it it’s just ALWAYS funny. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial 
5. You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
4. The impossible-to-get Tickle Me Jesus
3. Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500
2. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, the Clapper and a Chia Pet.
And the number one sign Christmas has become too commercial is...
1. Rudolph demands holiday pay or he walks.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, someone special wanted to drop by this Christmas entry of the Phile and I couldn't say no. Please welcome to the Phile, the one and only...

Me: Santa!!! Hey there, how are you?

Santa: Ho ho ho, I am wonderful, Jason. I have one more night to relax then off to work tomorrow night.

Me: So, what brings you here?

Santa: I wanted to say Merry Christmas to your readers and to tell you a story that I think is up your alley.

Me: Okay, that's cool. What is it?

Santa: I was at the mall and after I asked one little girl what she wanted for Christmas, she answered nonchalantly, "a dildo." I thought I must have misheard and asked, "What was that?" She repeated louder, "A dildo!" I tried to conceal my snickering by ho ho ho'ing and said, "Oh... uhhh... I don't know if I have any of those!" Then she told me that I should go to Target because I could get dolls of all the Rugrats characters there, including Tommy's brother Dil. A "Dil doll."

Me: Ummm... Santa, what is this, the 90s? I don't know if they have Rugrats dolls there. What kid knows of the Rugrats now anyway. Are you sheer this story is true?

Santa: Yes, it did take place in the 90s, Jason. But I bet you can still find Rugrats dolls at Target still.

Me: I will go and look. Anything else, Santa?

Santa: Nope. That's it. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Me: Santa Claus, kids! That was so bloody lame.

Gift receipt
A gift receipt is how you're going to turn all these crappy gifts into sweet, sweet booze.

I'm so excited and thrilled and in shock about this. Haha. The next book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Yup. Elton John, the GREAT Elton John will be on the Phile in a few weeks. I cannot wait. Okay, so a friend of the Phile wanted to come by and give us some advice. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

It’s that time of year... time for all those well intentioned people to start posting things like... “It’s cold outside, check on your pets and let them in.” That’s good... it really is... but perhaps we need to remind one another of some others that need checking in with. I’m speaking of our friends and loved ones that may be going through a rough time. Those caught in the violent undertow of depression and despair. Those who are experiencing dark thoughts or profound sadness. Check up on them. Drop a text. Place a phone call, asking, “Are you all right? Let’s have lunch this week.” Tell them you have the time to care... talk... listen. Make an effort to tell them that they matter to you... and that they are loved. Put an effort into bringing them in from the cold... the same as you would for your furry family. It may just save their lives. #BeArealFriendWhoCares.

Drinking alcohol does not warm you up. You actually lose heat a lot faster with booze in your system.

Phact 1. The people of Oslo, Norway donate the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree every year in gratitude to the people of London for their assistance during WWII.

Phact 2. During the Christmas of 2010, the Colombian government covered jungle trees with lights. When FARC guerrillas (terrorists) walked by, the trees lit up and banners asking them to lay down their arms became visible. Three hundred and thirty-one guerrillas re-entered society and the campaign won an award for strategic marketing excellence.

Phact 3. Many of Denny’s restaurants were built without locks, which was problematic when they decided to close down for Christmas.

Phact 4. Nearly all of the most popular Christmas songs including "Winter Wonderland," and "I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas" were written by Jews .

Phact 5. In 1918 and for the past 40 years, the Canadian province of Nova Scotia has sent the city of Boston a giant Christmas tree as a thank you for their support after the 1917 Halifax explosion.

Today's pheatured guest is is an English musician and actor. He was the principal songwriter, lead singer, and bassist for the new wave rock band the Police. His latest album, "My Songs," is available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Sting!

Me: Oh, man, hello, sir, welcome to the Phile. It's an honor to have you here. How are you?

Sting: It's my pleasure.

Me: So, I love the new CD "My Songs." What made you want to re-record songs from your catalogue?

Sting: No time to be coherent.

Me: I interviewed Juliana Hatfield a month ago on my birthday entry who has a Police cover album out. What do you think about your songs being so popular that you and someone else like Juliana want to record them?

Sting: I don't think about the material to be honest. I don't think recorded work being holy relic or a sacred artifact or a museum piece. It's actually the beginning of a relationship. It's a first date. I may have written a song on the day I recorded it or the day before or the week before but I really don't know that song all that well. So it's the real excitement of the first date but none of the real knowledge or the grit of the relationship, if I can take that analogy. Whereas I sing the song night after night, year after year, decade after decade, I know that song in an intimate granular way. It's a different thing and it evolves every nought because every night I'm looking for every little incrimental change to keep my interest, to keep my curiosity about the song and I'm getting older and there's different meaning perhaps what I'm singing the words, my voice is getting older, my voice is getting more... texture. I'm not saying it's better or worse, it's different. I think there's more harmonics in my voice then they used to be. So my songs, my experiment, just having a little fun, just taking the songs and recording them with this voice, with the recording techniques now what they are, my knowledge of the songs and not treating them as holy relics. Some of them we didn't change them much at all. We did this just for fun, there's no serious agenda here.

Me: Where does the songs come from, sir? Do they come in your dreams or during the day?

Sting: I think the lyric and the stories come from free association. I just kind of pluck them out of the air. It's only when I've written them down I think where the hell did that come from. Where did that story come from? Why? Obviously it's somewhere in the subconscious. What's going on in the world, what's going on in my life. It gets to the page and I think okay, that's what I was going through in retrospect. Really it's not that conscience at all. The lines have to rhyme with the lines before. But the actual meaning of the song reveals itself. I'm always unusually pleasantly surprised by it.

Me: So, when you write a song what comes first?

Sting: I work backwards. I start with the title which usually is the same as the refrain. I have a title like "Message in a Bottle," what does that mean? Who sends messages in bottles? Castaways on desert islands. So that was fairly simple. I also write verses backwards. I start with the last line of 4 and that is the clinching line. It's not good having the first line. But having something good in the middle kind of clenches the argument. That's where I work from, so I tend to work backwards. Reverse engineering.

Me: When you write the music does that help with the lyrics?

Sting: I hold very strongly that if I structure the music correctly in a form that is time tested verse, chorus, verse, chorus, middle 8, key change, coda. Okay? That's the formula, it has worked for hundreds of years. That is already a narrative, it's already a distinct abstract narrative. The music will then tell me the story again by free association wondering around with it in my head. The music tells me a story, it gives me a line, it gives me a mood, creates a character, and it's a kind of miraculous process I don't really understand even though I've written hundreds of songs. But I'm always grateful at the end of the day when I have something coherent and makes sense to me.

Me: So, someone said you wrote a song that Johnny Cash recorded... is this true?

Sting: I wrote a song years ago called "I Hung My Head." The tune reminded me of a lame horse, it has such an odd meter. Then I thought lame horse, I just imagined this western scene with a rider on a horse and someone watching him with a gun in his hand and accidentally shoots him. Yeah, it was eventually recorded by Johnny Cash, which kind of ratified my ability to write country songs. I'm from the north of England, I'm not from Texas. When Johnny Cash recorded it I thought, okay, that's not bad.

Me: I know that song! I love that song. Being a bass player, do you ever start with the bass when you're writing?

Sting: "Walking On the Moon" started as a bass line. It was just in my head late one night at a hotel in Munich, I couldn't sleep, I think I had too many beers. I had this tune going around in my head, it wouldn't leave me alone. So I got up and walked around the room a little bit and I looked out and there was a full moon out there so that became "Walking On the Moon," it's as simple as that.

Me: So, how would you compare your songwriting to other peoples?

Sting: Most rock and rollers use the 5th chord, and I use the 9th chord. I built "Message In a Bottle" on a series of 9th chords, the same with "Every Breath You Take." So for me it's more interesting than 5ths. The 5th is a lot more of a power chord whereas the 9th is a lot more open ended.

Me: Okay, so, I have to talk to you about the Police... why did that band originally break up, sir? 

Sting: I want a whole pallet to play with as a songwriter, I don't want to be limited to a band sound or the limitations of a band.

Me: Why is that?

Sting: Because that tends to dictate what I could do or can't do. I left the Police because the pallet wasn't wide enough. I needed a keyboard player, or a sax player or musicians with a different sense of ability. As different as the Police were, and as great as they were interpreting the songs and adding to the songs it was still limiting. So I don't like to be limited by the pallet I was given. I want total freedom because the song for me is the currency. Not the band.

Me: "Every Breath You Take" I think is being played every second of the day somewhere in the universe. And everyone I'm sure knows what they think the song is about, right? What do you think about that?

Sting: I never contradict people when they have an interpretation of one of my songs that isn't necessary mine. That adds a richness to that. But "Every Breath You Take" is an interesting point. A lot of people get married to that song. People will say it's quite a sinister song, it's about surveillance and control. But it's also about protection. I think there's an ambiguity there that has real power. There's something ambivalent and dark about it.

Me: Where did you write that song?

Sting: I wrote it in Jamaica, I was staying in the house of Ian Fleming, James Bond's creator. It was late one night and I sat at his desk. In hindsight it's probably total bullshit but there's something James Bond in it, he's a protector, he's our man, but he's also dangerous and he's also a spy. I think the spirit of Ian Fleming's creation is on there somehow. It has an ambiguous anti-hero vibe.

Me: One of my favorite songs of yours is "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free." That's like the opposite of "Every Breath You Take." Haha. Did you do that on purpose?

Sting: Yeah, I was happy to do that. Often I write a song which seems kind of prolemic, out on a limb politically or emotionally. Then I want to address the balance somehow because I'm not writing biography... intentionally anyway. I'm writing different view points. One of the great things about songwriting it's an empathy machine where I can step into somebody else's shoes. I can see the world through their eyes and express it. It doesn't have to be my view. But if people get that impression that its incumbent of me to redress that and do something different. So "If You Love Somebody Set Them Free" is the opposite.

Me: Okay, here'a another thing I heard about you, you live or lived in a haunted house. Is that true? 

Sting: I'm the most rational and skeptical person you'll ever meet but I have seen things in that house, or experienced in that house I have no explanation for. It's very odd, I've never seen a ghost before but I saw some weird stuff... and I'm still skeptical. Some one said, "You want us to get rid of the ghosts?" They were exorcists or something or spiritualists, I said, "No, I don't mind them, I'm not afraid of the dead. I'm afraid of the living, but I'm not afraid of the dead."

Me: Ahhh. Nope. I would have been out of that house in a minute. Haha. Okay, so, where is your favorite place to write?

Sting: Pussy. I always look upon a house as a partner. The house will have a mood, a spirit of you like, and when I make music in a house somehow the music absorbs that spirit. I made a lot of songs in Lake House, which is a house in the country, a beautiful house, near Stonehenge. It's very atmospheric. I made a lot of records at my place in Italy which is again 400 years old. A lot of stuff has happened in those houses, not necessary ghosts, but certainly a spirit of the place. Paris has always been very inspirational to me, it';s a beautiful romantic city. I spend a lot of time there, one of my sons was born there. I have a connection with the place.

Me: So, where did the idea for "Roxanne" come from?

Sting: I wrote "Roxanne" in Paris matter of fact, the Police were staying in one room in a very seedy hotel behind the Lasserre, a hotel with a lot of ladies of the night. I couldn't afford one. I was fascinated by that seedy world and wondered what it'll be like to have a relationship with one of these people, what kind of drama would that entail. And so I conjured up Roxanne who has a wonderful romantic name from Cyrano de Bergerac the play, it's his love. Again it's an ambiguous song.

Me: Didn't it start out as a bossa nova song?

Sting: Most songs can start as bossa nova. I love bossa nova. Then we took it to the Police and made it much more anglier and tougher. It became like a tango in the end and that really was because of the band progressive taking the bare bones of the song and messing around with it. That sounded unique, it didn't sound like anything else on the radio.

Me: It still doesn't, right?

Sting: No, it still doesn't. It's an odd little song but I sing it every night and as I say I find something new with it to play with.

Me: So, you have a lot of songs with long titles... like for example, "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You." What's the deal with your long titles?

Sting: I have a lot of long titles. That's the refrain, "if I ever lose my faith in you." "When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around," that's probably the longest title in pop music. I'll stand by that.

Me: I have to ask you about Lake House, which you said is in the country by Stonehenge. When I lived in England in the late 80s I loved in the Cotswolds, about a half hour from Stonehenge. I never did see it though. What is it like at that house?

Sting: I moved there in 1990, it's a cliche but I'm a low class lad from Newcastle, I didn't see a tree until I was like 16, so to have a mansion in the country it is a cliche. God it's fantastic, it's pretty great. So I wander around the garden and I wander around the fields and I wrote "Fields of Gold" there, I've never see a harvest looking so beautiful.

Me: Didn't Paul McCartney, who has been on the Phile I have to say and brag... once say "Fields of Gold" was a song he wished he had written?

Sting: Well, there's songs on his side of the table that I would kill for. Yes, that was a lovely thing for him to say. When he has written "Blackbird," forget it. That's a perfect song.

Me: What do you use to keep ideas down? Notebook, phone, anything like that?

Sting: I use an iPad now. Just Word.

Me: So, do you like touring still?

Sting: Yes, when I'm touring it's the luxury of not having to think because I just have to get up in the morning, get on a plane, go into the city, do a soundcheck, do the gig, go to the hotel, have a drink, go to bed. There's no thinking at all in that so I'm always happy. When I get home that blank sheet of paper is beckoning me.

Me: When I interviewed McCartney a lot of people said I should quit this blog, who can I get bigger than him but I love doing this thing. I have interviewed a lot more popular people because of it I think. Is it like that for you, you have written so many big hits and popular songs, do you ever think what can top that?

Sting: I always think the last song I wrote is the last song I write. There's no guarantee that I have anything more to say. There's a lot of noise in the world, do I really want to add to it? If I have nothing to say I should have the courage and the patience to say nothing. I've been processing a lot at the moment... politically what is going on in the world. There seems to be a reversal of progress. So does a songwriter have a duty to address that? Or redress that? I'm not sure.

Me: So, "Englishman In New York." Who is that song about?

Sting: I wrote that song about Quentin Crisp who was one of my heroes... a friend of mine. He was a pretty remarkable man, flamboyant, and brave man... writer. He moved to the Bowery in New York when he was 80 and his big thing was just be yourself, no matter what people say. He was beaten up for being gay his whole life and finally found freedom in New York. So I wrote that song about Quentin and I think he appreciated it.

Me: Sting, sir, thanks so much for being on the Phile for this Christmas entry. Take care and please come back again soon. Merry Christmas.

Sting: Thank you, it was lovely to talk to you.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile, kids. Thanks to my guests Santa Claus, Laird Jim and of course Sting. The Phile will be back on Friday with musician Yazz Ahmed. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Have a great Christmas!

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon