Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? In case you missed it, last Monday Republican Rep. Ted Yoho approached Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the steps of he Capitol building and called her "disgusting" and "out of her freaking mind" in response to her having made comments linking violence to poverty. Then, while he was walking away, he called her a "fucking bitch." He later gave a no-apology apology speech where he said he was sorry for the "abrubt" manner off the conversation, but he also said, "[I] cannot apologize for my passion or for loving my God, my family, and my country," and made it sound like because he had a wife and two daughters he couldn't be accused of disrespecting women. AOC responded, in a now viral speech, that made it clear she didn't accept his apology. Bread of The World, a Christian group that Yoho served as a board member for, asked him to resign. Here's their statement... "Washington, D.C. – Bread for the World today released the following statement regarding Rep. Ted Yoho’s verbal attack on Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Bread for the World is deeply concerned about Rep. Ted Yoho’s verbal attack on Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and what we and others perceive to be his non-apology. Bread for the World is concerned that his behavior in the past few days does not reflect the values of respect and compassion that Jesus calls on us to exhibit every day and we expect from our board members. Before we determine any further action, we have reached out to his office and have sought an opportunity to speak with him about the incident." Yoho has resigned, but hasn't issued a statement. I assume he muttered "fucking bitches" on his way out though.
Getting through security at the airport is rarely an enjoyable endeavor. The line is usually long... more often than not infuriatingly so, largely because the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) doesn’t have all their lanes open even though they probably could, which would cut your wait time by half and probably allow them to do a more thorough job. But nah. Screw you and the other 800 people here to get on a plane within the next hour. Everyone slowly file into line for this one body scanner. Enjoy your flight. There’s not a lot that could make your security wait more frustrating but a security guard or airport worker pulling you aside apropos of absolutely nothing (other than their distaste for your face) and telling you that you’re ugly in a mean note on a piece of paper is probably one of those things. Talk about highest ethical standards. And that’s exactly the type of behavior that happened to technical coordinator and passenger Neal Strassner at the Greater Rochester International Airport when he was traveling for work in a June 2019 incident. AA Rochester airport security worker wrote “You Ugly” on a handwritten note and slipped it to Strassner after he passed through the metal detector. Strassner was confused and took the passing note without opening it. The worker called out to Strassner several times asking if he was going to open the note. Strassner finally did and was greeted with the airport security guard’s valuable observation. Strassner attempted to contact the airport about the incident but they didn’t do much about it. Finally, Strassner obtained security footage of the incident through a public records request through the Freedom of Information Act and took to the Internet to tell his story. According to Strassner, within two hours of posting that the airport contacted him. Funny how that works. The security guard, who worked for a local security company as a contract employee by the TSA to work at the Rochester airport, was fired shortly after. Just another fun interaction with the TSA!
Would you like to meet the plant of your nightmares? It’s not this guy…
But it’s not great either. Soon to be Virginia Tech freshman Alex Childress, 17, was working his summer landscaping job in the Fredericksburg, Virginia area when he came across what he thought was a large weed. Childress then grabbed some trimmers and chopped the plant down. When he did, part of it brushed across his face. Thinking nothing of it, Childress picked up the plant and hauled it away. Then his face melted off. Sort of. Later that day, Alex’s father Jason returned home from his other son’s baseball game to find Alex’s face practically raw with severe skin agitation. From Richmond.com: “When I got home I walked inside and Alex, he was like, ‘I got really bad sunburn,'” Jason Childress said in a phone interview. “And Alex doesn’t burn. He tans. “The top layer of skin on the left side of his face basically was gone and appeared to be like a really bad burn that had already peeled,” Childress added as he described his son’s condition. It turns out that the plant Alex Childress chopped down wasn’t any weed, but rather some weird, totally unnecessary demon shrub called Giant Hogweed. From simply brushing up against it Childress’ face suffered second and third degree burns. Somehow this was relatively fortunate for Childress, as Giant Hogweed sap can cause much worse, including permanent blindness. Alex’s family took him to the Spotsylvania Medical Center, where he was then transferred to VCU’s burn unit. Childress was discharged after receiving intensive care. His recovery, however, wasn't be fun. He will have to limit his exposure to sunlight and wear high SPF sunscreen in order not to make the burns worse. That’s pretty much it. It’s a big green plant with little white flowers. If you do touch it, however, be sure to wash the affected area with soap and water thoroughly before allowing that skin to be exposed to sunlight for any length of time. But what is Giant Hogweed, besides the actual version of “The Devil’s Lettuce”? It’s a big dumb plant with phototoxic sap. According to Wikipedia, Heracleum mantegazzianum, or Giant Hogweed plant... which is also known as cartwheel-flower, giant cow parsnip, hogsbane, or giant cow parsley and not, somehow, as “The Burning Bush”... is a phototoxic plant and considered a noxious weed in the United States that, for unknown but presumably very stupid reasons, became a common ornamental plant in Britain in the 19th Century. Though it is native to the Caucasus Mountains in central Asia, hogweed has spread to Europe, Canada, and North America, and is considered an invasive plant. And it will melt your skin off.
A Montana man who was charged with more than 60 counts of child sex abuse has now received a deferred one-year sentence after green to a plea deal. According to authorities, 51-year-old William Edward Miller Jr. of Great Falls was arrested back in February 2019, after a 14-year-old girl accused him of raping her at her home a year prior. The girl alleged that Mueller allowed an 11-year-old boy to rape her while he watched in a separate and counter. In August 2014, state prosecutors filed 64 counts of sexual abuse of children against Miller, after investigators found images of child pornography and bestiality on his phone and his laptop. The Great Falls Tribune reported that police received a search warrant on his home after the sex offender allegedly began calling people from jail, asking them to destroy his phone. After his arrest, Miller Accepted a plea deal that involved prosecutors to drop the majority of the charges filed against him. He pleaded guilty to one count of felony sexual abuse of children and one count of misdemeanor unsworn falsification to authorities. Cascade County District Judge Elizabeth Best, sentenced Mueller to six months in the Cascade County detention center for the misdemeanor. He received credit for the 384 days of time he served. As far as a felony charge, Miller was slapped with the one-year deferred sentence and was ordered to complete sex offender treatment in the community. Under a deferred sentence, the child sex abuse charge could be wiped away from Miller’s record if he does not commit a crime over the next year. The felony count for which the man pleaded guilty in connection to a photograph of the 17-year old Shiloh Young. The woman, who is now nineteen, has been married to Mueller for 3 months and testified that she took the photo herself two years ago to help her overcome all her body issues. According to the Tribune, Young told the judge, “William is a kind, compassionate, and pathetic man. Never has he manipulated or controlled me. I ask that we be free of this charge. I feel you have suffered enough and I’m not a victim of my husband." Now, I don’t know what the whole situation with that marriage, but I need someone to evaluate that 19-year-old because in what mentality does this woman stay with the sex offender who initially had 64 counts of child abuse and sex crimes? Also, how in the world did they get married in the first place? This is sick, so sick, I’ve said it once and I’ve always said it again, our justice system is so broken.
Wear this belt out in public and I’m sure you’ll break some necks.
Who needs fancy leather belts when Dick Belts exist? This gag gift is ridiculous, but it’s hilarious. The Dick Belt doubles as a bottle opener, so it’s not entirely useless. Please don’t make this your church belt. It’s the perfect belt for bachelor parties, birthdays, or just any kind of night of debauchery. If you’re just dying to get fired, then maybe wear this belt to work. Otherwise, I think every best man needs to get this for their engaged friend. It’s the perfect belt for your last hurrah as a single man! You can find the Dick Belt on Amazon for only 25 dollars. The customer review is a mess! Joe left a five-star rating and said, “Wore this to work and had tons of laughs.” Umm... Joe, you either have really laid back co-workers or went to work that day to pick up your last check. Add this hilarious belt to your Amazon wishlist today. Once the holidays roll around, you’ll have funny gift ideas for white elephant parties. It’s not a gift you want to give to dad or grandpa, so save this for your friend with a dirty mind and a dark sense of humor. Boners will always be funny! Okay, taking your significant other’s belt off to see the goods is usually an exciting experience, but ladies, this Dick Belt might be more enticing to look at. I mean, the belt is basically a third leg. It seriously hangs down the model’s entire thigh. The product measures at 60 inches! You can’t pick from different waist sizes, but this one size fits all belt has an adjustable buckle. Don’t forget the belt buckle is a bottle opener. Grooms, get this belt for your groomsmen and watch them awkwardly open their beers with the one and only, Dick Belt.
Okay, speaking of Amazon and reviews... Sugar-free gummy bears might seem like a great idea in theory. But, like so many things being sold to us in a capitalist society, there is a catch. Anyone who's ever tried (or worse, binged) on sugar-free candy knows exactly what that catch is. If you're not sure, just check out the reviews on an Amazon listing for a 1-lb. bag of Haribo SUGAR FREE Classic Gummi Bears. While some people are clearly roasting the product, and others seem to be sharing their (very, very) real experiences, these reviews get 5-stars for hilarity... and extreme honesty. Like this one...
Do you kids like Hot Pockets? There's a new kind that just came out...
Ummmm... nope. Instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...
No, maybe not, the cover is making me gag. Well, not only does Ivanka like Goya beans, she also likes Heinz's spotted dick from England. I bet she does. Hahahahaha.
I never knew her father was in anime until I saw this...
Ummmm... no comment. So, ever see those panhandlers with their cardboard signs? Some of them are very clever...
Hahaha. Yesterday I went swimming and got sunburnt, but not as bad as this guy...
Ouch! So, if I had a TARDIS I would probably end up at the Siege of Sarajevo and see this sad scene...
A father’s hands presses against the window of a bus carrying his tearful son and wife to safety during the Siege of Sarajevo. The Siege of Sarajevo was the longest siege of a capital city in the history of modern warfare. After being initially besieged by the forces of the Yugoslav People’s Army, Sarajevo, the capital of Bosnia and Herzegovina, was besieged by the Army of Republika Srpska from April 5th, 1992 to February 29th, 1996 (1,425 days) during the Bosnian War. The siege lasted three times longer than the Siege of Stalingrad and a year longer than the Siege of Leningrad. A total of 13,952 people were killed during the siege, including 5,434 civilians. Roman Catholic Croat and Muslim-led government forces fought together against Bosnia’s Eastern Orthodox Serbs early in the war which started after Bosnia seceded from Serb-dominated Yugoslavia. All sides in Bosnia’s war stand accused of “ethnic cleansing.” Thousands of Muslims and Croats were also killed in Serb-run concentration camps. A peace accord was signed on December 14th, 1995, with NATO to keep the peace. The conflict left about 250,000 dead and 2.5 million refugees. Well, on that depressing note do you know what's funny? Kids using puns to prank their parents...
Hahahahahahahaha. You know I live in Florida, right? Here's a crazy story from this state...
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jefferson, shall we?
Looks like a beautiful morning there.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?" "Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?" "There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained."First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."
Phact 1. Hydrogen bombs usually do not contain hydrogen because it is difficult to store. They instead use lithium that is split into hydrogen by an atomic bomb. It worked so well that the first bomb went off with three times the expected yield, set the world record, and it still holds the U.S. record for yield.
Phact 2. In 2013, Google sent an employee to long abandoned coal mining facility Hashima Island, Japan, with a Street View backpack in order to capture its condition. This allows users of Google Maps to virtually tour the areas of the island which are currently deemed too dangerous to traverse.
Phact 3. Morocco was the first country to recognize the U.S. as an independent country and during the Revolutionary War, the Sultan of Morocco promised safe passage from Barbary Pirates for all merchant American ships traveling across the Atlantic.
Phact 4. Suicide candidates in 18th-century Denmark were afraid to take their own lives because they believed it would send them to hell. Instead, they resorted to killing other people to receive the death penalty and repented before execution, believing that doing so would send them to heaven.
Phact 5. The hacker group Anonymous once sent thousands of all-black faxes to the Church of Scientology to deplete all of their ink cartridges.
Olivia de Havilland
July 1st, 1916 — July 26th, 2020
Do you know how many ways there are for deadpoolers to spell this name wrong? Well, I do. SO glad she's dead. Kidding!
Peter Green
October 29th, 1946 —July 25th 2020
Just remember, if it wasn't for Peter Green, Stevie Nicks would be working at a Wendy's.
Regis Philbin
August 25th, 1931 — July 24th, 2020
Final answer?
Today's guest is is an American musician, singer, songwriter, actress and philanthropist, Phile Alum and author of More Myself: A Journey, the 132nd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome back to the Phile... Alicia Keys.
Me: Hey, Alicia, welcome back to the Phile. I was honored to get you on here once and didn't think you'd be back for some reason so I'm glad you are. How are you?
Alicia: That was beautiful, thank you, Jason. Great to be back.
Me: Your memoir More Myself: A Journey is the 132nd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club...
Alicia: Nice, but it's a journey, not a memoir.
Me: Oh, okay. In the book you tell the story about your first major photo shoot and what happened. Can you tell me here what happened?
Alicia: Yes, it was kind of strange. It was my very, very first photo shoot, it was a big one and everyone was very excited of it. I was still a teenager and getting noticed by all the right people, and the shoot marked a turning point in my career. When I'm trying to get your music heard and myself out there, it's rare that I get big opportunities, and this one was awesome. So everybody was really excited. We get in there and try to figure everything out, it was my first one. I never did a big shoot like this before so I didn't know what to do and what to expect. So as you can imagine it was brand new how everything was. At some point he kind of asked the team to leave and they figured since he was a pretty big photographer that he just wanted some privacy and wanted to focus. When everybody leaves... he didn't put his hands on me and violated me physically but I think he definitely had an idea of what he wanted to get as a picture.
Me: What kinda picture did he want?
Alicia: He wanted it to be risqué and he wanted it to be something I probably wouldn't normally be comfortable with for sure. Everybody who was with me in that room definitely wouldn't be comfortable.
Me: So, what did this asshole say to you?
Alicia: It was like, "Can you just kind of lift this a little bit? Can you pull this down a little bit? Can you open this a little bit?" I'm 19 and I'm like, "Um, this doesn't feel right."
Me: Once the shoot was over how did you feel?
Alicia: I talked myself in and out of everything and finally when it was all said and done when the photos came out I was so devastated, I despised them. I did not like the way I looked, I looked in a way I definitely didn't want to represent myself. I felt I was taken advantage of and manipulated. But I think that happened to me quite early and everything because I needed to know very early that I had to trust my instincts in life and I think it changed my trajectory in a lot of ways because I knew that I'd just never want to be in that position.
Me: When you wrote the book and you thought back to that story and other stories in your early career how did you feel?
Alicia: It's nice to visit those bright stories early in my career.
Me: I am not sure I mentioned this last time you were here, I'm sure I did, but I love the song "Fallin'." What can you say about that song?
Alicia: It didn't do as well when it first came out. It didn't get the airplay that I was hoping for, the DJs didn't know what to do with my music. And then I was on the Oprah Winfrey show 19 years ago.
Me: That's cool. When you were on that show what did you think and feel?
Alicia: Oh, my God, I remember like it was clear as day. It was the most unbelievable moment ever.
Me: When "Fallin'" became a hit how was your life?
Alicia: We all believed in "Fallin'" so much and we knew that it was a special song. Anybody that heard it really loved it. It was the first time I was introduced to the world of marketing and radio and all these kind of nuances that happened that makes things sometimes not as straightforward as I hoped it would be. It was true, it had an older soulful sound to it and at the time I was 18 or 19 and had those cornrows and was from Harlem. And at the same time the people heard the song they thought I was a 40-year-old soul singer. They did not know what to do with it, where to put it. Throughout my career a lot of my songs never fit the mold, they always just lived on their own which I am proud of, it's the part of what makes me stand out but it doesn't make it easy to market. And it doesn't make it easy to get a spot on the radio so we definitely had to get creative.
Me: So, the Oprah Winfrey show was a big deal, right? That was a stupid question.
Alicia: No, it wasn't a stout question. That was one of the moments where Clive and the team got creative.
Me: So, what was it like meeting Oprah?
Alicia: I remember walking onto that set to see Miss Oprah Winfrey for my first time ever... obviously prior to that I'd only seen her on television... and it was the craziest, most surreal moment of my life. I was terrified. I was completely nervous. My hands were shaking the whole time I was playing.
Me: I watched that performance and you didn't look nervous...
Alicia: This was the big shot. And for her to embrace me in that way, and she's been a mentor to me ever since that day, it was a big, big, big beginning. And I'll never, ever forget it.
Me: For those that don't know, tell them who Clive was... or is...
Alicia: Clive is Clive Davis the legendary record producer and executive.
Me: When did you recognize you were going to become a household name out of that performance?
Alicia: I definitely didn't have a clue about that. I didn't ever imagine that would happen but it really did. It was strange flying home after that performance.
Me: Did you get recognized?
Alicia: Yeah, anybody from a 14-year-old kid to a 30-year-old young woman to a 70-year-old older man, Everybody said, "I saw you on the Oprah show and I could not believe how." Especially then, the Oprah show was massive, the amount of people that watched it were so diverse, I couldn't believe it. It was crazy literally like in that moment. I realized I couldn't just do my normal thing. It was a new world.
Me: I didn't realize, or maybe I did, just forgot that you covered Princes's "How Come U Don't Call Me Anymore?" Was it hard to get permission to cover it? Yours is a great version by the way.
Alicia: I fell in love with that song, I'm a massive Prince fan. I was drawn to this song because it was just him on piano and stomping his foot. It was so raw and so genuine, I just couldn't believe this song. As we were creating the first album I wanted to put it on there and obviously being brand new I didn't know I had to call the songwriter and get clearance to use another persons song. So here I am at 17-years-old trying to figure out how to call Prince. How do I call Prince? Like who calls Prince? Nobody calls Prince. But somehow we organized with the other team and we set up a moment where we can have a phone call with him. I called this number and I'm terrified. What do I say to somebody? I know they put me on the phone because it'd be harder for him to say no to me. I know that's why they put me on the phone. So my heart was beating out of my chest and the phone is ringing, somebody picks up the phone and its not him. I'm like, "Hello? Can I spread to Prince?" They're like, "Hold on." And another person gets on the phone and I ask the same question and they're like, "Hold on." Another person gets on the phone and they transfer a last time and I could tell it was Prince. He was like, "Hello?" I'm trying to be cool and I say hello and tell him how much I appreciate his artistry and how amazing he is and how much I love this song and if anybody knows Prince he does not clear his songs. That's not what he does, he doesn't want a gang of people singing his songs. He will not clear them, he's notorious for it.
Me: He let Art of Noise and Tom Jones cover "Kiss."
Alicia: Yeah, but most people get a no, so I was expecting a no and I tell him and he says, "You right your own music, right?" I said, "Yeah, I'm producing it." He says, "I'm seeing what you're doing, I love it what you're doing." And he says to me, "Why don't you come and play it for me at Paisley Park?" I'm like me? So, he invites me to Paisley Park, which is his very special please where he invites all his precious fans. He has this amazing location and studio and live performance space, something I've never seen before at that time. I come and I perform for him and eventually he did obviously grant me the rights to cover "How Come U Don't Call Me Anymore?"
Me: I like the way you stand your ground, Alicia. When you were writing the book did you think about that at all?
Alicia: It's really difficult, it really is if you think about it. The whole music industry and entertainment industry can often be based on things that are quite superficial and not even real. A lot of times I find myself not meeting a persona or emulating an expectation that people have of me as opposed to actually being who I am. So many times I go to a photoshoot and I'm wearing thousand and thousands worth of dresses and jewelry and shoes and clothes, I can't afford those things. There's no way on planet Earth I'll have those things. But in the image I'm projecting I'm wearing all these things and I'm looking all these ways and I think a lot of times that does become quite difficult to manage It's often times it's not really real and so it's easy to lose myself. Prior to success I had people liking my work and I just did what I love. Doing what I think and what I'm feeling and experimenting and trying and once people start to like what I've done I feel obligated for them to like it again. Then I start to think how can I make them like this as opposed to what I like. And I think all of this altogether becomes quite confusing and definitely easy for me to lose myself in. That's what I talk about in the book, I think it happens to all of us no matter of we're artists or bankers or assistants or whatever we might be, oftentimes I think we accommodate other people's opinion of us and making sure we are in some way likable. A lot of times I think that takes away the knowledge of ourselves because we're just so bust wanting to please. So I've definitely gone through and found my way through and regards of talking in my book about myself it really is "how do you find your authentic self? And what is that? Who is that?" And for different people that happens in different ways.
Me: You recently released a song called "Perfect Way to Die," which sounds like a James Bond movie. What is that song about?
Alicia: It's a highly emotional song I originally wrote in honor of Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin and Sandra Bland, all of whom died by race-based or institutional violence. The song is about a mother who mourns her son after losing him to a shooting, and I performed it live for the first time at this year's BET Awards.
Me: Since then there's been other black shootings that are all over the news, Alicia, and protests everywhere. Months and months later, this song is still relevant, right?
Alicia: It's been really quite something, the way that things have gone. Even with us all experiencing COVID and recognizing how we are all so intricately connected and how we all are experiencing a similar thing at the same time. My song "Underdog" really ended up being a soundtrack to that in such a powerful way that I of course hopes the song resonates but I don't really realize how it's going to do of why it's going to do it or when it's going to do it, I never know these details. So "Underdog" really did that at that time. And as time kept progressing I think more of us being more still and having the opportunity to look more clearly at what's happening in front of us in the world as opposed of running so quickly and being distracted and also being able to see the equities of so many levels so clearly and so painfully there's just no turning away from it and no hiding from it. I think there is a surge of collective consciousness. So this song "Perfect Way to Die" I actually wrote it with an incredible writer named Sebastian Cole and we wrote it based of Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin and Sandra Bland, a lot of the same situation that has been happening over and over again. It's horrible with the police brutality and violence and racism is crazy.
Me: Did you think this song would come out at this time?
Alicia: I never thought this song would come out at this time but I knew it would come out at some time. I knew it was such a powerful song and we're seeing everything progressing now it just seemed so right to share this song and put it to the vehicle just for our emotions of what we're feeling and what we're seeing and to put words to the pain we are feeling and the discomfort and also the confusion and frustration and hopefully continue for all of us to pay attention of what's happening and to make sure we keep speaking up until until George and Ahmaud and Breonna and Tony and Trayvon and Sandra and Mike Brown and everybody who has died at the hands of police brutality and racism gets their justice.
Me: Does it feel different now, Alicia?
Alicia: It's a lot of the same in a lot of ways which is hard but I do feel that is different than its ever been before. I think people are more open than they've ever been before. I think we are less afraid to even face the truth, those hard truths that we are all having to face. Every single last one of us. Even being accountable for our behavior, behavior of our families, behavior of even the way we are talking to our children. The thoughts we're having, the things we are saying, really being much more conscious by awakened and everything. Although it's not a new scenario I think because we haven't been able to turn away or be so busy that we get distracted, and think "that's just them over there." That's a horrible reaction, I think we do it as humanity sometimes. It just really brought us together. And I think it's propelling us to move forward together and to grow. And in that way I really am feeling encouraged.
Me: Cool. Thanks, Alicia, for being on the Phihe. Please come back again.
Alicia: Thank you, you too, stay safe during this pandemic.
Me: Thank you. You as well.
Alicia: I wish you all the best.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Alicia Keys for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Wednesday with legendary rapper Fab Five Freddy. Spread the word, not the turd of virus. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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