Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile on a Wednesday. How are you? The Trumps arrived in the U.K. on Monday. And it seems the entire bloody country came out to "welcome" them with a Trump baby balloon, no red carpet, a whole lot of side eye, and even a giant dick! The display of brilliant pettiness was a sight to behold. This giant USS John McCain baseball cap was the cherry on top...
And if the Internet theories are to be believed, the Trump trolling reached royal levels. Monday night, the whole Trump family was invited to a state banquet hosted by the Royal Family. The outfit was black tie, prompting a hilarious meme about the President's absurdly over-the-top tuxedo. But all eyes were on Queen Elizabeth, who is known to be intentional in her outfit choices, choosing her clothing and accessories to convey specific messages. In keeping with the dress code, she wore a tiara Monday night. And people did some research into the one that she chose, with delightfully petty results. Turns out, the tiara contains rubies which were a gift from the people of Burma (now Myanmar) and they were intended to protect her against evil. What a brilliantly petty move, if true. The Internet is bowing down. But that's not all. People think the Queen was also sending a very specific message with her choice of a gift for Trump: the book The Second World War by noted anti-fascist Winston Churchill. People think that's a burn for two reasons: 1) Trump is a fascist, and 2) he's a fascist who doesn't (can't?) read. This wouldn't be the first time the Queen is rumored to have trolled the U.S. President during his time on British soil. Last year during his visit to the U.K., she wore a brooch that was a personal gift to her from the Obamas. YASSSSSS QUEEN.
Among the most enigmatic figures in the ever-captivating Trump administration is Tiffany Trump, the "forgotten" daughter of Donald. At 25-years-old, Tiffany isn't a minor like her half-brother Barron, and she's not Extremely Online like her half-brothers Uday and Qusay Don Jr. and Eric, and she's not an official part of the administration (and subject of their father's incest fantasies) like Ivanka. While her siblings were growing up in the gilded Manhattan tower with their name on it, Tiffany was raised by her mom in Los Angeles... which explains why most people hadn't heard of her until she stumped for her father in 2016. Today, Tiffany tows the line between being a Regular Person in law school at Georgetown (as far as we know, Aunt Becky was NOT involved in the admissions process) and girlfriend of a billionaire who charges taxpayers $20,000 for security so she can go to Cannes. Speaking of taxpayer-funded vacations, Tiffany got to join the American delegation on an official state visit to the United Kingdom, and she was thrilled to Instagram that she got to meet the Queen! Congratulations to Tiffany Trump on her first-ever family vacation! Ivanka also featured her on the 'gram. People noticed how special an occasion it is for Tiffany to be publicly seen with her family. It's clear that her father doesn't love her... he joked about having her aborted... but does she love her father? On one hand she's studying law, the thing he hates most in the world. On the other, she posts stuff like this on Instagram and got to meet the Queen.
Seems like she's on board with the Muslim Ban, then.
When hating the President gets me down, aka every waking hour of every day and sometimes in my sleep, I try to find comfort in reminding myself that it could be much, much worse. At least I don't have to hate the president while being married to him. Because that sure seems to be the case for the first lady, whose evident distaste for her husband has been made clear in everything from her facial expression of constant pain, to her rarely being seen with him, to her physically rejecting his attempts at intimacy in very public scenarios. I try not to feel bad for her, because she did sign up for this. But at the same time, we've all accidentally signed up for something that turned out to be our worst nightmare. This week's evidence that Melania is in Hell and knows it comes to us from across the pond, in the U.K., where Trump is visiting to bring yet more shame upon the United States of AAAAAHHHHHHmerica. While leaving Air Force One and crossing the tarmac, he attempts to hold Melania's hand and she rejects him with only a smidgen of subtlety. He tries to hold Melania's hand twice and she is not having it! Twitter, of course, noticed. And people are roasting him for being in a loveless relationship... not only with his country, but also his wife. This just about sums it up...
I just want to take Melania out for drinks and give her the ol' "GIRL YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUT UP WITH HIS BULLSHIT ANYMORE! DUMP HIM!!!!" If only she would return my texts. #FreeMelania.
Okay, let's talk about something that isn't Trump related for a bit. we'll get back to him later on...
Every year when LGBTQIA Pride Month rolls around, there are detractors who make false equivalences and ask the exhausting question: Why isn't there a Straight Pride parade?! To most people, regardless of sexuality or political standing, it only takes a few minutes of critical thinking to figure out why Straight Pride isn't necessary. Straight people aren't brutalized, mocked and systemically discriminated against. Roughly 95% of romantic representation in the media centers around straight people and the concept of being forced to "come out" as straight sounds more like an "SNL" sketch than a reality. That being said, the city of Boston is begrudgingly gearing up to host a Straight Pride Parade at the end of summer after organizer Mark Sahady threatened a discrimination complaint against Boston for permission to fly their straight pride flag. The inspiration for the Straight Pride Parade was launched by a small group of men known as Super Happy Fun America, a group that aims to "celebrate the diverse history, culture, and contributions of the straight community." On Facebook, organizer Sahady wrote, "If you would like to come as an individual, march as a group, or bring a float or vehicle, then get in touch. This is our chance to have a patriotic parade in Boston as we celebrate straight pride." Needless to say, people have been dragging the hell out of the concept of a Straight Pride parade, as they well should. You know you're messing up when Smash Mouth gets involved.
Truly, all of the jokes are here to make and all of them are well deserved. All of the jokes roasting the Straight Pride parade may provide the first time these men have faced any sort of personal and emotional obstacles, so their self-professed status as marginalized is manifesting its own "struggle." As of now, the Straight Pride Parade is potentially slated for August 31st, but I have no doubt in my mind the entire Internet will be all ears for updates.
A washed-up TV star who lucked into wealth and power insulted Meghan, Duchess of Sussex in an interview over the weekend. Back in 2016 when she was just a humble star of "Suits," The Artist Formerly Known as Meghan Markle called then-presidential candidate Donald Trump's misogynistic and divisive campaign "misogynist" and "divisive." Meghan also said that she "might move to Canada if Trump was elected president," but instead ended up moving to the United Kingdom, which also provides universal health care. In an audio recording released by The Sun, Trump said of Meghan, "I didn't know she was nasty," and despite his insistence that he didn't say that, he did, in fact, say that. Because women have it so easy, Duchess Meghan was spared from having to meet Trump because she's on maternity leave from meet and greets. Prince Harry, however, had to meet the American Wannabe Royal Family because Granny said so. Royal reporters in the room where it happened described Harry as "noticeably hung back." The prince walked in with Ivanka, who is so very desperate to be considered a princess that she very likely hit on the new dad. After doing his royal duty and escorting her into the room he "drifted off" to talk to a dude called the Lord Chamberlain, who hopefully isn't complicit in kids being kept in camps in Texas. Prince Harry looks absolutely miserable, and a royal hasn't been this relatable since Princess Diana fangirled over John Travolta.
Trump wasn't just an arse to Prince Harry's wife... he's also said gross things about his mum and sister-in-law Kate Middleton. The president boasted to Howard Stern on multiple occasions that he could have "nailed" Princess Diana. The last thing she needed was ANOTHER entitled philanderer in her life.
Did you see the dress the Queen wore when she met Trump? Check this out...
I don't like scary movies at all, but I have to say the new Omen movie might be good...
Hahahahaha. Not only did Trump wear a stupid looking tuxedo... let's talk about that for a minute real quick. Trump, did you forget to pack and have to borrow a butler Halloween costume? Did you decide to wear a suit that fit ten years ago and doesn't account for all the fast food you eat now? There are so many problems with this tuxedo it's truly impossible to list them all. He's the supposedly super savvy millionaire businessman president and he doesn't know how to get a tuxedo fitted? Money can't buy class. While it's not totally fair to ridicule someone for an outfit choice, the way you present yourself says a lot more about how seriously you take your position and if your stomach is busting out of your jacket, maybe you need to reevaluate. As we all learned in The Devil Wears Prada, fashion is art you live your life in and we hate to break it to you, Trump, this tuxedo is not art. Anyway, not only did he wear that fucked up tux but he also wore something else...
When I first saw it it reminded me of something, and then it hit me...
Hahahahahahahaha. So, if I had a TARDIS I would like to go back in time to the 70s and meet Elton John. Knowing my luck though I'd meet him when he's sorting out his shoes...
That's a lot of bloody shoes. Remember the movie The Social Network? I love that movie. Well, did you know it had a different name? No, here's the original poster...
Hmmmm. I love being British sometimes... those Brits sure had some great signs at London's anti-Trump protest. Here's one...
Rumor: Meghan and Harry threw royal ragers.
According to The Sun, the Sussexes were throwing rowdy raves in Kensington palace that pissed off the French ambassador, who lived nearby.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's some stuff that happens in Florida that happens nowhere else in the Universe.
Meet Nicholas Carlmann Jones, who was caught with drugs, fled the scene, and then called 911 to brag about fleeing the scene. Fox35 reports that Carlmann Jones was cruisin' down St. Augustine Florida with "a jar full of marijuana, THC wax, a small bag containing an unknown white powder, and a dish containing a pink tinted crystal substance." He then began to run because he thought it would be "fun," and then called the cops to gloat, saying, "what do we pay you guys for? Like I've driven past four cops." A brave stance on police abolition from an unlikely source.
Donald Trump's state visit to the United Kingdom has been a very Trumpian combination of schmoozing with prominent Brits and insulting them. Before touching down in London, Trump insulted its mayor Sadiq Khan, likely because his name is Sadiq Khan. Trump also called the Duchess of Sussex "nasty," denied that he did, and posted a clip of him saying that in an attempt to prove that he didn't. In an interview with Piers Morgan... a true match made in hell... Trump did concede that he called her a nasty woman, but only because she criticized him. He is, however, very zen about it. Back in 2016, then-Meghan Markle referred to Trump's misogynistic and divisive campaign as "misogynistic" and "divisive." She also said that she might move to Canada if he were elected president, but as we all know, ended up moving to England instead. Trump insists that when he said "I didn't know she was nasty" about Meghan, he simply meant, "I didn't know she was nasty about me." Pressed to clarify, Trump said "nasty" a whole bunch of times. "She was nasty to me. And that’s okay for her to be nasty; it’s not good for me to be nasty to her and I wasn't," he insists, even though he called her nasty. If criticism is "nastiness," then yes, you are all nasty women. Trump added, "You know what? She’s doing a good job, I hope she enjoys her life. I think she’s very nice." The president added that he and Prince Harry did not discuss Nastygate, and reports that Prince Harry was "noticeably hung back" at the Trumps' welcome reception are "fake news." Asked if his encounter with the prince was awkward, Trump insists, "No, no, no, just the opposite. In fact, he spent a lot of time talking to Ivanka and talking to my family. I went up... he couldn’t have been nicer. Couldn’t have been nicer… I think he’s great." The whole interview is wild... Trump broke royal protocol and revealed a detail about his conversation with Prince Charles, saying that Charles tried to convince him that climate change is an existential threat to humanity, but Trump believes that "weather goes both ways." Trump also deflected questions about gun violence and defending his policy of banning transgender people from the military. Also, this happened...
Okay, so, you wanna know what book is the 100th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club? You really do? Okay...
The 100th book to the pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Yup. Roger Daltrey will be the guest on the Phile in a few weeks.
Okay, so, wanna laugh?
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
The oic is a clue who the guest is gonna be.
Today's pheatured guest is an American actress and comedian. She is best known for her starring role as Janet on the NBC sitcom "The Good Place" which goes into it's fourth season this fall on NBC. Please welcome to the Phile... D'Arcy Carden.
Me: Hello, D'Arcy, welcome to the Phile. How are you two?
D'Arcy: I'm good, hi, Jason.
Me: So, D'Arcy, you play a character named Janet on a TV show called "The Good Place." How would you describe Janet?
D'Arcy: I think it's best described like Siri with a body, Siri in human form. She, as you might know if you watched season 1 and 2, she sort of evolved and coming into her own a little bit, getting rebooted and we're seeing different versions of her. She's not quite the robotic "how can I help you?" type of Siri. She's starting to get feelings and opinions and everything. Not a robot and not a human is sort of a perfect description.
Me: I have never seen the show, but my sister and her family have and love it. I should watch it because the show was created by Michael Schur who also created "Brooklyn Nine-Nine," a show I liked and "Parks and Recreation," and wrote for "The Office" and "Saturday Night Live." The show is very funny, right?
D'Arcy: I know, we have this super balance of comedic geniuses also just super nerd smarty pantses. There's these super geniuses and regularly geniuses who are noted up into a ball and placed into a writers room.
Me: Are their non-funny philosophical people there just to do the philosophy part of the show?
D'Arcy: They do have some consultants I guess, professors and people who know what they're talking about who they Skype with or have come in and sort of double check to make sure they are on the right track. They almost have these sort of mini classes which is amazing and I wish they would invite the actors because I could really use come classes. I need some guidance. Poor William Jackson Harper who played Chidi, he has to so much studying on his own. I mean he could just come into work and memorize his lines and say them but he's such a good actor and he's so diligent and he really tries to learn what he's talking about.
Me: You don't do that at all? Haha.
D'Arcy: Luckily I play the smartest being in the Universe so I'm not even going to try. Ha ha. I'm just going to learn my lines, I'm not going to worry too much what Janet says.
Me: So, what is the show about?
D'Arcy: The show is about a bunch of people who mistakenly end up in the afterlife. That's a very fair way to say it.
Me: Do you ever think about Heaven and stuff like that yourself, D'Arcy?
D'Arcy: Yeah, I do. It's a funny thing because some of the things they describe like ways you could het into the Good Place or the Bad Place... it's almost impossible to get to the Good Place. The people that don't make it into the Good Place, they say like every U.S. President and I think William Shakespeare's in the Bad Place. Most people don't make it into the Good Place so there's a little bit of pressure release of I wouldn't make it in anyway so let's live life. But definitely we tackle things like "the trolley problem" different ethical dilemma's that I wouldn't normally think and now I do. They sort of figured out a way to like talk about these really big moral philosophy basically wrapped in a fart joke I think that's what Ted Dansen said. Ha ha.
Me: What does that mean?
D'Arcy: Like we're discussing ethics and discussing like heaven and hell but then there's a great fart joke.
Me: Do you take it home with you at all, D'Arcy?
D'Arcy: Like in think about it and talk about it? Yeah, a little bit. I remember when one of the writers who also happens to be one of my best friends, Jen Statsky, when we're in the writers room learning the "trolley problem," in college I never took philosophy class or anything like that so these are all sort of relatively new ideas to me. When Jen bought up this trolley problem we talked about for like an hour. There's levels to it, if you say yes to this then I have another part of the question, then what about this? It kind of keeps going and I really have to look deep into myself. I don't even know what the right answer is and I don't even know there is a right answer. I would say I take it home with me a little bit. Also keeping in mind I am just a lowly actor and my job is to memorize my lines and to hit my mark and be nice at work.
Me: What is this "trolley problem"?
D'Arcy: I guess I could explain... but I know I will do it wrong. There's a trolley going down the track and you're faced with one dilemma. You could either hit six workers if you're going down the path you're going or you could pull a lever and that would mean you could change tracks and you'd hit one person. That is something which is something to think about, right? If you're traveling along the path you're already traveling on you're going to hit six people, if you make the choice and actually physically move a button or pull a lever or whatever then you make the choice just to hit one person. Basically you spare as many human lives as possible.
Me: Ahhh. Before you were on "The Good Place," D'Arcy, you were doing improv and acting. Were you helpful that something like this was going to happen?
D'Arcy: I would say I was feeling hopeful and then I was not feeling helpful. So I moved to New York with big dreamy eyes, I was ready to make it whatever that means. Then I found my home which was this really great comedy theater in school which was called the Upright Citizens Brigade which is in New York and L.A. and really sort of settled into life there and focused on getting to work there, getting in stage and doing as many shows as possible. and feeling great about that and work for friends that I was in classes with and performing with like Aubrey Plaza and Kate McKinnon or the girls on "Broad City," Adam Pally, all these people that we were on stage together and they would get cast in these things and it was like, "Oh, great, it's happening for all of us. Great, great, great." Then a couple of years would go by and another coupe of years would go by... I think right before I got "The Good Place" I was definitely at a spot in my life where I was starting to realize it wasn't going to happen for me which was maybe okay, but the dream was maybe not going to become true. Again that is okay because I was happy and healthy and get to perform at this awesome theater and have a hot husband and a cool dog. My life is good but this sort of dream I had since I was a child was maybe not going to happen. I think this happens a lot actually with actors that they sort of realize either not to say give up but that they sort of release the pressure and then things happen for them.
Me: What was it like when you auditioned for "The Good Place?"
D'Arcy: I knew that Mike Schur and Drew Goodard were going to be in the room and I knew that Alison Jones was casting it and the only thing I was thinking is "make them laugh." Then maybe they'll cast me in a small part at some point down the road. There was no possible way I was getting this role and I knew that. It wasn't about booking the job, it was about making these three people that I'm a fan of laugh and then go home and not coming in with this desperate pressure to perform. I felt comfortable in the room and I felt like Mike and Drew and everybody in the room was comfortable. There was these immediate comfort with everybody that was shocking to me. When I left the room I was I know I'm not going to get it but that felt gooooddd. And then there was the call back and second call back and screen testing, it was all kind of that same feeling like "I'm sure this is going to go to someone very famous but this is feeling great."
Me: What is it like working with TV legend Ted Dansen?
D'Arcy: I don't know, man, I hear his voice and I know it's Ted Dansen, and he knows who I am then on the other hand it's that's my friend. This is such a weird little world, this Hollywood world. I grew up watching someone on TV every week and very much loved him in particular on "Cheers." I thought he was someone very special. Ted is just one of the best. One of the nicest people I've ever met in my life and I can't say enough good things about him or him as a scene partner.
Me: Does he ever tell "Cheers" stories?
D'Arcy: Yeah, it's so funny, every time "Cheers" comes up he says, "I know I shouldn't talk about 'Cheers' again." we're like, "Ted, that's all we want, man. Talk about 'Cheers' more." He's always afraid of talking about it too much or telling us about some celebrity in the 80s or 90s or whatever and we're like he could talk about that for 24 hours every day and we would be happy. He does it rarely but when he does it's great.
Me: You're also on the HBO show "Barry" with Bill Hader who I had on the Phile last year I think it was. Do you guys go way back?
D'Arcy: Yes. I worked as his babysitter for his older two daughters from the time his older one was 5-months-old or something like that. My husband and I are super close with that family in almost in a family way. We are sort of bonded for life. I was almost their live in nanny, there was awhile I was living with them.
Me: Is that odd to now work with him?
D'Arcy: It's wild because he was on "SNL" and I was working at UCB and we were sort of doing the same thing on very different levels so that creates a possible awkward relationship but we kept it very seperate. We were friends and I worked for him and loved his kids and he loved myself and my husband and it wasn't just about acting or comedy or anything like that. That was a separate thing so the idea of working with him almost never crossed my mind of that even makes sense. We were just in two different worlds. I certainly never asked him for any favors or had him introduce me to this person or that person or introduce me to Lorne Michaels or anything like that. So when this audition came up for "Barry" which he had been telling me about for a year I almost didn't want to audition for it because I thought this will put us in a weird situation. He has to tell me no, I don't want to put him in that situation. It didn't work out that way, it was great. Luckily in the audition it was just me and the casting director. He was not in the room so if I had not gotten it it would have not been too painful. He could just pretend that he never knew. But it's been really lovely and it's beans awesome to work with somebody I know in this different sort of way. It's almost like working with a family member. He directed the first couple of episodes and he's such a wonderful director and all my scenes are basically with him and he's a super giving actor and he's a very detailed director.
Me: Cool. Thanks for being on the Phile. Please come back and tell Ted and Kristen Bell they need to be on the Phile.
D'Arcy: Thanks, Jason, this was fun.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guest D'Arcy Carden. The Phile will be back on Monday with British comedy legend John Cleese. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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