Hey, kids, good morning, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Lo and behold! Sixty-eight days after he delivered his report to the Attorney General, Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III has emerged from the shadows to introduce the world to what his voice sounds like. His voice sounds like that of an aggravated professor begging his class to DO THE DAMN READING. Mueller took to the podium to officially resign from his role of special counsel now that the report has been written, and to highlight the conclusions in said report. The former FBI director stated that Trump is not NOT a criminal, explaining that the only reason why his office didn't consider charges was because of a longstanding Department of Justice decision that a sitting president can't be indicted. That's a far cry from Trump's (and his handpicked Attorney General with coverups on his résumé) insistence that Mueller's report is a "complete and total exoneration." Mueller's statement was almost as damning for House Democrats as it was for the White House. He was keen to note that while the DoJ can't charge the president with a crime, Congress can, in a process called impeachment. Impeachment is the remedy to a lawless executive built in by the Founding Fathers, who fought a war against an absolute ruler with no accountability. Mueller was calling on the House to do their damn job, and rebuffing their insistence on stalling until he testifies for them. "Any testimony from this office would not go beyond our report... the report is my testimony," he said. Democratic presidential candidates... both the ones you have heard of and the ones you haven't... are hearing Mueller's subtext and using "the I word." AOC... not a presidential candidate until at least 2024... also had a good tweet. Trump, for his part, isn't even pretending to be innocent anymore. The president took to Twitter to gloat that he wasn't charged, even though Mueller had said that he only wasn't charged because he is president. The ball is in your court, Congress.
Unless you're living under a rock, in which case I recommend you remain there and do NOT come out, you know that Lori Loughlin, aka "Aunt Becky" on "Full House" (and also "Fuller House" but I try to forget that one) was among a group of 33 parents arrested in March and accused of spending millions in illegal bribes to get their children into elite colleges. The whole thing was pretty bonkers. The charges left many people in shock, although IMHO it's not that shocking to hear that rich, white people in America tried to use their wealth and privilege to get (even further) ahead by breaking the law. We should all know by now that America runs on two things: 1) Dunkin', and 2) white collar crime. But for some reason America expected more from dear, precious Aunt Becky. And we should not have. Lori Loughlin and her husband, designer Mossimo Giannulli, were accused of paying $500,000 to a college admissions "counseling company" called Key Worldwide Foundation, which helped them get their two daughters, 19-year-old Olivia Jade, and 20-year-old Isabella Rose, into USC as athletic recruits for the crew team, even though neither of them actually had ever rowed crew. Embarrassing! But although there's nothing weird, to me, about Aunt Becky breaking the law, there is something very weird about her behavior in the past few months during court proceedings. Last month, Loughlin and her husband reportedly refused offers of plea deals that would've required them to serve about two years in prison. This led prosecutors to hit them with a superseding indictment which included much more severe charges of money laundering conspiracy. These two separate charges would come with a maximum sentence of 20 years in prison each. For comparison, actor Felicity Huffman, who was also one of the parents involved in "Operation Varsity Blues," plead guilty and, as a result, is expected to serve 4-to-6 months of jail time. But why would Aunt Becky refuse a plea deal that could've saved her dozens of years in prison? According to a report in People, Loughlin refused to plead guilty because she truly doesn't believe she's guilty. And she thinks she was just doing what "any mom would have done." Umm, what?! A source close to Lori told People, "It’s just taking some time for it to sink in that what she was allegedly doing could be considered illegal... From the beginning, she didn’t want to take a deal, because she felt that she hadn’t done anything that any mom wouldn’t have done, if they had the means to do so. So this wasn’t her being obstinate; this was her truly not understanding the seriousness of the allegations." To make things worse for her, Aunt Becky has been reported as showing a "lack of remorse" during the court proceedings. And that's a big no-no when you're trying to get away with a serious crime. A legal expert told Rolling Stone, "Prosecutors and judges want to see remorse. They want to see you understand culpability. She showed none of that.” Back in April, Lori Laughlin and her husband made headlines when they arrived by PRIVATE JET to their first court appearance, and even stopped to sign autographs outside their hotel, Buzzfeed reported. And it was widely reported that she was "all smiles" as she was greeted by screaming fans, and some not-fans, outside the courthouse. I mean, you can't blame a gal for trying to maintain a happy face during a dark time. But is this woman delusional for thinking she can plead "not guilty" to a crime that literally everyone knows she committed?? Quite possibly. According to a new report in , Loughlin STILL THINKS SHE'S INNOCENT. Umm, does she even read the news? “[Lori] still believes she did the right thing by rejecting a guilty plea,” a source told People, adding, “She is a fighter.” Well, I can't argue with that last part... she's a fighter alright, and she's fighting the LAW. Aunt Becky's delusion could have serious consequences. Loughlin and Giannulli are now facing not one but TWO charges: conspiracy to commit mail fraud (the original charge), and conspiracy to commit money laundering (the second, which they received after refusing to accept a plea deal for the first). They plan to plead not guilty to both. But if charged guilty in court, they could receive up to 40 years total in prison. Goddamn. Will a rich white lady finally face long-term consequences for illegal behavior, in AMERICA of all places? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Isn't it weird how the "pro-life" movement seems to attract some of the worst, angriest, slimiest slimeballs on the planet? It's like this platform isn't actually about saving lives... but instead about controlling women. Case-in-point: a man named Jordan Hart in Tucson, Arizona, announced on Facebook recently that he would be taking photos of women's license plates as they entered and exited the local Planned Parenthood, claiming that he would use that information to "go to people's homes" and "educate" them about abortion. This is a terrifying breech of women's privacy and safety not to mention supremely obnoxious. According to the Facebook group, Planned Parenthood Baby Parts Emporium, the local police were contacted but said there is "nothing they can do about it." So in an example of vigilante Facebook justice, the group shared the man's photo along with a PSA to women. They wrote, "This man’s name is Jordan. He is taking photos of license plates and photos of people entering and exiting planned parenthood in Tucson, Arizona. According to him, he is going to use that information to go to peoples homes to “educate them” on abortion According to Tucson PD, this is a non-issue and there is nothing THEY can do about it until it’s essentially too late. So I’m giving a PSA to anyone in the Tucson area who goes to planned parenthood to keep an eye out for him. He has openly admitted his intention to criminally harass, stalk, and intimidate people. Keep yourselves safe and keep an eye out for this guy following you or photographing you and your vehicle." The group also followed up by posting this screenshot from Hart's own page, confirming his plans and highlighting his dangerous nature...
Wow, this guy seems nice, huh? Really glad he's on the side of "life." In response to this human douchenozzle's threats to women, commenters are sharing their gratitude for Planned Parenthood, which actually offers women a LOT more life-saving services than just abortion. The comments highlight why this guy's tactic for "educating" people is not only dangerous but extremely misguided. Although I'm dubious that the police will do much to help, at least these Facebook vigilantes are on the case, spreading the word (and his photo) to warn women to be careful. If you're a woman in Tucson, Arizona, or elsewhere, seeking reproductive health services, we hope you stay safe. From this dangerous man and also from his teeny tiny weener.
At this point, every time Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez breathes in a public a gaggle of naysayers find the nearest keyboard to express their discontent with her breathing style. All politicians deal with constant critique, regardless of gender and political alignment, but Ocasio-Cortez receives an extra heaping dose of trolls as a young, Latinx woman in Congress with strong convictions. Luckily, she is not one to sit silently while people speak ill of her, and Ocasio-Cortez has been shutting down trolls with utter ease since the first negative meme made its Internet rounds. As many women in the public eye know all too well, Ocasio-Cortez is well aware that there's no way to "win" approval when it comes to misogynists (and racists), so the best thing you can do is stick to your guns. In keeping with this M.O., Ocasio-Cortez quickly shut it down when a Conservative talking head came for a completely harmless inspiration meme she posted.
It all started with this simple reminder that we need to "be the change" or in this case, the hope, we want to see in the world. The Conservative Town Hall columnist Kurt Schlichter was quick to make fun of the tweet, calling it cliche. Ocasio-Cortez fully didn't have time for the endless snark, so she responded by pointing out how nothing she does will change misogynist perceptions of her intelligence. People on the thread were quick to point out how the constant misogynistic responses to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez only prove how much people fear what she stands up for. Wherever there is a woman staying loud about what she wants to see in the world, there will inevitably be a hoard of sexists ready to shout her down. Unfortunately for Ocasio-Cortez, this means a constant stream of bullshit.
Anyone who has done a significant amount of online shopping, like I have, knows the pros and cons. Pros: you don't have to leave your house or put on pants, and you can save money. Cons: you never know what item is actually going to arrive at your doorstep, because the Internet is a web of lies. And the more money you save, the higher your likelihood of discovering you've been conned. Kelsey Dawn Williamson learned this lesson the hard way recently when she purchased an "adorable" t-shirt for her 3-year-old daughter, Salem. The t-shirt features iconic fictional characters, Frog and Toad, riding a bicycle. It's cute, it's affordable, and this is what it looked like in the ad...
Hey, they weren't wrong about "Funny." But they might want to take "Children" and "Baby" out of the description. Because this is the tee-shirt that actually arrived...
LMFAO yes that says "FUCK THE POLICE" in case you can't read (don't worry, Salem can't). Luckily Williamson has a great sense of humor and she got a good laugh out of the debacle, and shared the side-by-side pics on Facebook. After the post went hugely viral, this poor mom had to follow up with not one but two messages to the hoards of mom-shamers who attacked her for this hilarious post. First she got shamed for letting her child wear a t-shirt with a curse on it. She writes, "What I ordered VS what I received. I fucking love China. I cannot stop screaming. WHO DOES THIS." Good question, Kelsey. Hahaha. After the post went hugely viral, this poor mom had to follow up with not one but two messages to the hoards of mom-shamers who attacked her for this hilarious post. First she got shamed for letting her child wear a t-shirt with a curse on it. "SALEM IS 3 AND CAN’T READ. I DID NOT BUY THIS. THIS IS WHAT I WAS SENT. NO, SHE WONT WEAR IT IN PUBLIC." “Why would you take a picture??” "YOU WOULD TOO, DONT BE A LIAR." Amen to that. And THEN she had to follow up AGAIN after getting shamed for her daughter's weight. "SHE SEES SPECIALISTS FOR HER WEIGHT. SHE CANT HELP IT. I CANT HELP IT. MY HUSBAND CANT HELP IT. IT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL. JUST LAUGH AT THE FUNNY SHIRT." Jesus friggin' Christ, the Internet, why are you the worst and why do you love to shame moms so much?????? Please just stop, take Kelsey's advice and JUST LAUGH AT THE FUNNY SHIRT. This is truly one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life and I have seen all the funny things, it's literally my job. Be right back, ordering 100 of these for everyone I know. COME FOR ME, MOM-SHAMERS. I dare you.
Instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...
Ummm... maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would love to go back to the start of America's space program and meet an astronaut. Instead I'd probably end up meeting this guy...
Ever see homeless people on the side streets with signs? You know, some are not homeless.
The other day as you know if you read the Phile Trump threw a temper tantrum about impeachment in the Rose Garden and he had props. Well, he had props again apparently...
One of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn so free and easily. Well, if you're at work that's not a good thing, I don't want you to get in trouble. So I came up with a solution...
You're welcome. The British Royal Family exists solely to be talked about, providing the realm with reality TV centuries before television was invented. The British tabloids are a combination of access journalism and racist fanfiction, and gossip rags on both sides of the Atlantic love to make shit up about the House of Windsor. Here are the craziest rumors (or rumours) they blessed up with during the month of May in a pheature called...
Rumor 1: Archie Harrison isn't Harry's son.
As fun as it would be see see Harry and Meghan on "Maury," this rumor is so basic, it's lazy.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. If you love songs about trucks, drinkin' beer, and driving down dirt roads, this new pheature is going to rock your world.
Hahaha. So, did you see that new Godzilla movie? I haven't, as I haven't seen the first one, and this is a sequel. But a friend of the Phile has so I thought I'd invite him to the Phile to review it. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...
Good morning, humans. Laird’s No Spoilers Movie Review. Godzilla: King of the Monsters: Let me start off by saying, I have been a tremendous fan of Godzilla films since I was a small boy. I was eagerly awaiting the release of this movie. I made plans with my girlfriend and a dear old friend of many years to have dinner and then see this at a local IMAX Theater. We three sat through this movie in a state of silent shock. We looked at each other as the credits began to roll and simultaneously gave a thumbs down. Here’s why... too much human drama wrapped around too few scenes involving battling monsters (we want monsters, not soap opera bullshit). I couldn’t even begin to care about that kid from "Stranger Things" and her fucked up excuse for a dysfunctional family. The mother was an absolute nutcase with a selfishly insane idea of how to best save the world. The CGI was annoyingly dark and hard to focus on. The main human villain was about as menacing as Mr. Hooper from "Sesame Street." The main titans (Godzilla, Ghidora, Mothra and Rodan) didn’t get nearly enough screen time and the peripheral monsters that gathered in the final scenes were unrecognizable even to a mega fan such as I. One even looked like the creature from Cloverfield. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted Deadpool or Ferris Bueller to show up and somehow salvage this colossal shitfest of a monster flick. Don’t waste your money... wait for it to come out on either DVD or Netflix. I give it a 3, of a possible 10.
From welcoming 2014 with a little hat to welcoming #2 with a little on her lap.
Bart Starr
January 9th, 1934 — May 26th, 2019
All packed up.
Breaking news: President Trump finally tweeted something true. And then he deleted it, and then he tweeted it again, because he's more embarrassed by typos than by Russia helping him get elected. Not only did Trump tweet something factually correct for the first time, it's something that anyone who cares about American democracy would be absolutely humiliated by. Trump finally accepted the intelligence community's (and Mueller Report's) conclusion that Russia did, in fact, help get him elected, but y'all need to get over it, libtards!
While Trump finally accepted Mueller's conclusion that Russia interference get him elected, he's in denial about Volume II of the report, which examined Trump's interference with the investigation. What law books call "obstruction of justice," Trump calls "presidential harassment." President Grab Them By The Pussy's claims of "presidential harassment" are nothing we haven't seen before, but this part is new... "I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected." After years of insisting that Russian interference as described by the FBI and the CIA was a "deep state" conspiracy, Trump blew up that Fox News plotline with his tiny Twitter fingers. The "Russia helping me get elected" stuff is true, but the "nothing to do with" part isn't. Also, remember the time Trump pleaded to Russia that, "if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 [Hillary Clinton] emails that are missing," because "you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press"? Oh, the memories. The brief moment of clarity was short-lived, as the president went back to flagrantly lying and flagrant hand gestures. Now that the president has finally acknowledged that Russia sustained a massive cyberattack on American democracy that happened to work in his favor, is he going to fulfill his oath to "preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States" by assuring that 2020 is a free and fair election? Haha, of course not.
Phact 1: Vermont abolished slavery in 1777, while it was still independent, and when it joined the United States as the 14th state in 1791 it was the first state to join untainted by slavery.
Phact 2: There are 7 people surviving from the 1800s.
Phact 3: Canada built a reservoir within the remnant of an ancient eroded meteor crater. Visible from space, it is known as “The Eye of Quebec.”
Phact 4: There is a device known as a derailer. It is used to intentionally derail trains that enter into unauthorized areas.
Phact 5: One man, Raymond Loewy, designed the Coca-Cola bottle, the logos for Shell and Exxon, the Greyhound bus, the Lucky Strike cigarette pack, and the S1 Locomotive.
In a few weeks I am guessing. Can you guess who the guest is gonna be? That graphic is a clue...
Today's pheatured guest is is a Canadian musician and singer-songwriter. He also is the son of singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen, and also the ambassador of the Cohen family to art exhibits of Leonard Cohen Art, attending and doing press and media for openings around the world for his father's paintings and drawings. Leonard Cohen's book The Flame: Poems Notebooks Lyrics Drawings is the 99th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Adam Cohen.
Me: Hey, Adam, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Adam: Thank you for having me, Jason.
Me: The book The Flame: Poems Notebooks Lyrics Drawings is full of notes and poems and drawings your father, Leonard Cohen did. Were you surprised he had so much stuff written to fill a book?
Adam: Absolutely, of course. This was a man who was devoted to blackening pages from a very young age. There were scraps of writing everywhere at all times. He would wake up early every morning with sort of devout sense of purpose which resulted in this tower of song in these tomes and tomes of excellent work. He wasn't doing it for anything but a sense of vocation, a calling. It's true to know my father was to know a man that had notebooks practically falling out of his pockets and they were in every drawer. As I said in the foreword, I found one in the freezer one time when he told me to get some tequila out of it.
Me: When you listen do your dad's recording doing poetry what do you think?
Adam: He's always had a great incredible spark and even though the flame that was tarnished and burnt in different capacities and different levels what's so inimitable about him is what you hear when you hear him.
Me: What do you think of your dad's poems being taught in classrooms now?
Adam: It's extraordinary to see that he was actually a rabbi, like many people in his family. There were a few rabbis and heavy rabbis. He didn't go in that line of work, he went to something rather different we all know. He did have that kind of rabbinical quality. This is a man whose work is being studied now across university campuses globally. Whose work has been replaced even in rabbinical studies. It's extraordinary what he's done. When I do happen to consult his work outside of the heart strings that are pulled to marvel how sparking the language is. It always was. Even when I hear a 23-year-old version. It still somehow peaks my interest and the fact that he's always been some kind of a peacock when it comes to language.
Me: He was writing right up to the very end, Adam, why do you think that is?
Adam: I think his work invites you into your own inner life because it takes inner life so seriously. I think that he knew at the end of his life he was riding on some kind of mysterious wind and grace of the occasion. And the urgency of his frailty.
Me: What do you mean "by the grace of his occasion"?
Adam: I mean he recognized it was not common for a poet and songwriter to become more and more popular as they grow older. He went through an incredible amount of anonymity given his iconic status. And emerged after having suffered economic crisis. He was at the top of his game at the end of his life. They're not many examples of that. He was in recognition of this mysterious wind that he was lifted by.
Me: When your dad lost his money by a manager that took it all what was that like? Do you remember it?
Adam: Oh, of course, it was a matter of great pride for a son to be able to tell his father "hey, you've more than exonerated yourself in terms of generosity to us. Please don't let us burden you any further." This was just a mighty complication to negotiate and to handle, the last thing we wanted to be was another layer of concern.
Me: I didn't realize you were a musician yourself, Adam, before I read your bio. I love the song "Fall Apart." It was written before your dad passed away. What were you thinking about when you wrote and recorded that song?
Adam: If for a long time my old man was battling with acute pain and health issues, he was immobilized because of multiple compression fractures of the spine, it's a horrible sight to see someone I loved so dearly deteriorate. But it's also an amazing feat for that person to have their flame burn so bright. An enormous amount of instruction came at the end of his life to me, not just being in this mist more than I've ever been in my life, but because he had invited me into the inner chamber of his work. Sometimes I hesitate to speak about him but I also think of it as a success story having risen from the mailroom of the family business to the penthouse making boardroom decisions with the boss. Sometimes I feel like if someone would tell me I was adopted and the sort of deep marionette lines on my jowly face resemble his or a coincidence or the low timber of my voice, might deliberate diction, whatever it is, we're all self imposed and didn't come naturally. It wouldn't matter much to me, this deep impression that he left on me or anyone else who had the great fortune of knowing him. And so of course my work has an imprint of his and my thoughts.
Me: I feel that, I do the same thing about my dad. You did so much since he passed to help his fans appreciate and understand your dad. That must make you feel good, right?
Adam: Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm almost in this particular position where I'm a reluctant ambassador of all things Cohan these days. So I feel deeply embroiled, it's a badge of honor but I'm in some level of discomfort as well.
Me: How do you feel about it? How are you doing?
Adam: It's exactly an almost curious thing to be my father's son in this world. He left school a remarkable imprint on anyone he's touched. And I'm going through his papers, there are still so many matters I'm dealing with. And he comes to me in dreams still, I'm embarrassed to say, it's been almost three years since he passed. I was tasked with finishing a few more songs of his that we started together on the last album. And so his voice is literally still in my life. So it's a bizarre and delicious entanglement.
Me: Is there new music from your dad that is going to come out?
Adam: To make a long story short I believe there are some really beautiful songs of Leonard Cohen that no ones heard that are at some point going to come out.
Me: You must think that is cool. right? My dad had a bunch of songs that he never released that we hope to sometime.
Adam: It's extraordinary that my dad had left so many poems that were actually recorded and many of them we started on the last record when we were making "You Want It Darker." Sometimes I would implore him even though I knew he was in a delicate state. I would say, "Dad, just read this. Just read this poem to a metronome. We'll look at it later." Some of my favorite poems of his are actually in the vault and I was tasked with finishing them.
Me: That's so beautiful Adam. How is this new album gonna be different than his prior stuff, or will it be?
Adam: What is beautiful about them unlike the gravity and the nature and tenure and the tone of "You Want It Darker" these have a sort of more mytho romantic, a kind of tone that resembles his older work, something more romantic but also more surprising.
Me: Isn't this daunting for you to finish your dad's work? I can't even imagine...
Adam: It's such a luxury, it's such a treat. I said it's been a meditation because I have a little studio in my back yard and I go there with a mug if coffee and there he is again, this thunderous powerful deep voice that happen to be particularly stern for me because it's my father. And the sense of responsibility and at the same time as I say, this feeling like how wonderful that these songs exist. That I am going to bring them and see them to completion. Not just for me because I'm part of the family business but for all the people out there who are hopefully going to delight in hearing his language and contribution of his. There are these songs that exist that he wanted finished. These incredible powerful readings that were set to music, and it's going to surprise people. Surprise and delight.
Me: Any timeline?
Adam: This year I believe.
Me: In the foreword to the book you quoted one of your dad's songs... "I came so far for beauty I left so much behind." Why did that line come to mind when you were tuning about your fathers life?
Adam: It reminds me of a few times towards the end when we'd sit on his front lawn and a pause would occur in conversation. He would reflect in all the compromises he made. All of the romances he left, all of the family he seen that he felt that he poorly acquitted himself of. He said, "Of all the strategies I tried to imply, nothing really works. Nothing offered the solace that worked, blackening pages being a poet offered." I felt like he was apologising. Of course that song immediately came to mind which he says he came so far from beauty, he left so far behind. Of course it wasn't the truth at all. The amazing impact that he had on our lives, that he had on anyones lives, he came into.
Me: Adam, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I wanted to interview for dad for so long and was bummed when he passed, so it's really cool to be able to interview you. Please come back when the album comes out.
Adam: You're a gentleman, thank you.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Adam Cohen. The Phile will be back on Wednesday with actress D'Arcy Carden from the TV show "The Good Place." Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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