Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? So far 2019 has continuously proved that the Internet is full of old clips that will resurface and cause a commotion. The latest clip to make its way to Twitter is from a 1950s television show called "Trackdown," which features a salesman who is trying to scare the townspeople into thinking that the world is ending soon, and they need him to build a wall in order to stop it. The character's name? Trump. "The Simpsons" predicting Trump's presidency was uncanny enough, and now there's a show that was made before Trump was "famous" that predicted we'd all get screwed over by him and his fear mongering tactics. This show knew to be wary of Trump before Trump was even a thing. Ugh, why didn't we listen? CBS News reported that the "Trackdown" episode aired on May 9th,1958. The Trump character visits the town only to claim that he is the only one who can save them from a meteor strike that is certain to kill them all if they don't build a wall. He says his wall is indestructible, and is able to convince most of the townspeople that they need him and his wall, and they should fork over all of their money for it. Sound familiar? The best part? The narrator describes Trump as the "high priest of fraud," which I think is a perfect nickname for the current lying conman named Trump, no? They say history repeats itself, but now old TV shows are repeating themselves but IRL. What a time to be alive.
Not all heroes wear capes. In fact, some simply sip wine from a Pringles can whilst riding around a Walmart parking lot on an electric shopping cart. Yes, you read that right. This happened. A woman was caught doing exactly this, and now she is banned from Walmart for life. Have we found our queen? It gets better. The Pringles-wine sipping woman in question was committing these "crimes" at 6:30 a.m. The police were called and found her at a nearby restaurant to inform her that she is no longer welcome on Walmart premises. This all happened before 9:00 a.m. While Walmart isn't very happy with her, the Internet has quickly warmed to this woman and decided she's a certified badass. I mean, how many of us have at least wished we had spent our morning cruising around the Walmart parking lot on a electric cart while throwing back some wine from a chip container? Dare I say all of us? Why do I feel like this is only going to increase the amount of people drinking wine from cans in the Walmart parking lot?
The whole point of a legal system is to ensure that individuals who break or abuse the law are punished, allegedly. Of course, the system is flawed, with many innocent people ending up in prison, and many criminals ending up in government... but I digress. The point is that "criminals" in modern society are, at least in theory, and depending on the severity of the crime, given a chance to rehabilitate themselves. And many, many convicts serve time, leave the system and go on to become upstanding members of society... which is more than you can say for most people, who break the law (you've probably already broken one today!) and never do time. But not everyone thinks people who have been through the system deserve a "second chance" at life, as evidenced by a text exchange between the owner of a tattoo shop and a former potential customer, which went viral. First, the tattoo shop owner received this message...
Umm, wow. I don't know what's more offensive, the term "prison monkeys" or the "10% inconvenience fee." And also, this person is not only mean and out-of-touch, but dumb. People who have been to prison would obviously make the best tattoo artists, since they have so much free time in prison to devote to stick-and-poke (yeah, I watched "Orange Is The New Black"). The tattoo shop owner was not here for this person's out-of-touch temper tantrum. This was their very pointed response...
He won't be coming back after this comeback. This person didn't get their tattoo or their 10% inconvenience fee, but they did get a painful, skin-deep dragging that will last a lifetime. They also got a lesson... and that's priceless.
Hillary Clinton has kept a relatively low profile since the devastating results of the 2016 election, and really, could anyone blame her?! If I feel psychologically scarred just reading about the ignorance Trump spreads, then I can only imagine what it felt like losing to him in front of the country after dedicating your career to politics. America, as a collective, gave Clinton the middle finger when Trump was elected... and all of her warnings about his conflicts of interest were largely left buried under memes mocking her campaign and it's (real) shortcomings. That being said, every now and then Clinton will break her silence to call out the current administration, and it's usually reasonably succinct and salty. This morning, Clinton tweeted a clip of a debate during the election with the caption, "Like I said, a puppet." In the clip Clinton calls Trump out for being in bed with Russia while warning the U.S. about what we'd sign up for under him as president. Needless to say, this tweet is brief and to the point: serving as a dark "I Told You So." The responses have been quickly pouring in. Some, have come from those of us who always believed the warnings, others, from those who undermined the depths of Trump's corruption. And that, my friends, is that. Perhaps the most depressing mic drop yet.
A dude in Springfield, Illinois' house was quite literally full of shit after the nursing home across the street's habit of illegally flushing diapers exploded in his face. Russell Grochowik lives across the street from Springfield Health and Rehab, and the facility is a real shitty neighbor. "I wouldn't want to wish this on my worst enemy," Grochowik told WCAX. "I came down my stairs at 9 a.m. I heard like a waterfall of water running. I looked around the corner and the bathtub was full of sewage and the toilet." It's funny when it's not your house. Grochowik described the burst pipe's diarrhea as "running out just like a tidal wave," and the excrement seeped through the kitchen tiles and flooded the cellar. He intends to sue the nursing home for pain and suffering and damages to his home. Suck it, old people.
So, instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...
Ummmm... maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would go and see Mount Rushmore, but knowing my luck I'd get there in the 1930s just as some poor guy was carving an eye.
Some people are so dumb they made the entire Internet face palm in 2018.
What were they trying to say, though? Man, there were some clapbacks at MAGA trolls that made the Internet great again in 2018.
The kids are alright. So, when I saw this this past weekend it reminded me of something...
Then it hit me...
Hahahaha. It's not a logo, it's a rating!
Ha! Take that, Cowboy fans! So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn free and so easy. I don't want you to go to a porn site, I want you to keep reading the Phile, so I thought I should just show a porn pic here. But I don't want you to get in trouble if you're at work or school so I came up with a solution...
You're welcome. Now for a joke...
It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could piss from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "Okay, show me." The guy pisses and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!" The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, "If I can do it again, but with two glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys pees from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "If you can piss in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200." The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready." So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to pee everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could pee all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."
This is a pretty hard one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, a sex therapist who likes to come onto the Phile and tell us some stuff that isn't true has something else to tell us. You kids really like it when she's here. So once again welcome to the Phile...
Me: Hey, Liz, so, what do you have to tell us today?
Liz: Hi, Jason. I was told once, "Girls should jump up and down after sex to avoid pregnancy."
Me: What?
Liz: Yeah, also I was to to have an aspirin with Coke before or after sex to avoid pregnancy."
Me: That's really odd, Liz, don't you think? That does not work I don't think.
Liz: Yeah, they played a movie and said talk to your parents or preacher if you had questions. I graduated with three girls who had children already. So, yeah, all that jumping up and down didn't exactly work.
Me: No shit. So, what advice do you have for us if any?
Liz: Coke is not birth control.
Me: Ha. Thanks, Liz. Professor Liz Chickasaw, sex therapist, kids.
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
Phact 2. Leonardo DiCaprio has said that playing Arnie in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape was “the most fun I’ve ever had."
Phact 3. In 2012, eighteen cops in China spent 40 minutes trying to save a woman from drowning, only to find out the woman was actually an inflatable sex doll.
Phact 4. In 1897, there were plans to build a bicycle “superhighway” that would have run between Pasadena and Los Angeles.
Phact 5. Nine months after Cyclone Yasi hit Australia in 2011, there was a unusual surge in the number of babies born in the affected region.
Okay, here we go. Today's guest is the author of Buseyisms: Gary Busey's Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, the 91st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. He's a prolific character actor, Busey has appeared in over 150 films, including The Buddy Holly Story, Lethal Weapon, Predator 2 and Piranha 3DD just to name a few. Please welcome to the Phile, the one of a kind... Gary Busey!
Me: Hey, Gary, welcome to the Phile. It's so cool to have you here, sir. How are you?
Gary: I'm good.
Me: So, your book Buseyisms: Gary Busey's Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth is the 91st book in the Phile's Book Club and the first for 2019. So, congrats. Anyway, what is a "Buseyism"?
Gary: A Buseyism is when I take a word and I take the letters that spell the word and I create the definition for that word. In other words, let me give you an example... NOW. That stands for No Other Way.
Me: Ahhh. Do you have another example?
Gary: NUTS. That stands for Never Underestimate The Spirit. And the word FART... that stands for Feeling A Rectal Transmission.
Me: Hahahahaha. How did you come up with this and your first one?
Gary: The first one I was in the hospital after the traumatic brain injury. My wife at the time said, "Tell Gary he's going to play a doctor in his next movie. Give him a coat and a clipboard and let him go on the rounds with you." So they did that. I was going to be a doctor in a movie so I was a doctor there mentally as I could facilitate that as a logical way of sanity. Not that I'm insane, but I am. Anyway, I went through there and I opened up the drawers of a patience room although that's not what a doctor does. I opened the drawer and it said "socks and underwear" and it was such a mess. So I straightened it all out and said, "That is neat." Then I discovered as I was coming coherent with my language, taking at that time, and I said, "N.E.A.T., that stands for Nice Exciting And Tight."
Me: That's cool. When you first moved to Los Angeles did you want to be an actor?
Gary: In the summer of '67 when I first moved to L.A. I didn't want to be an actor. I started out as a musician and I moved to L.A. to play with the Rubber Band.
Me: Didn't you guys open for the Doors?
Gary: No, we didn't open for the Doors. We opened the doors at the Whiskey A Go-Go to go and sit and watch the Doors play on stage.
Me: Oh, okay. So, what was it like when you first went to L.A.?
Gary: My first trip to L.A. was in 1966. There was four of us and we came out on the original Route 66 in a '59 pea green station wagon and a little trailer behind carrying all of our equipment. We didn't have any jobs out there but we went to see five people and the last person we saw we sang accapella, the four of us. He said, "I want you to come to the club tonight and see who I'm managing." We went to the Whiskey A Go-Go, we were dressed in our blue blazers, our white pants and our saddle oxfords, that's how we dressed as a band in Oklahoma. Everybody else had no shirts on, hair down to their waist, tattoos, big films of protoplasm with hydras and amoebas moving through them and the opening act was Them from London and that was Van Morrison. The opening act was the Doors. When the Doors were playing I leaned over to my piano player Glenn Mitchell and said, "I think we're on the wrong trail ride." Then after that summer we went back to Tulsa, Oklahoma to resume our studies at the university. The big hit of the day was "Baby Won't You Light My Fire." We realized, but we didn't know it, we were on the right trail ride.
Me: I have a picture of you and the Rubber Band I have to show, Gary...
Me: You were also in a band called Carp, am I right?
Gary: The Rubber Band changed its name to Carp and we signed to Epic Records. We had a hit called "Save the Delta Queen."
Me: Ahhh. What was the song about?
Gary: I was watching a newscast with Roger Mudd. He said there's been a safety sea law past. No ships of any wood would drive on any rivers or go on any ocean. I said that's not right so I wrote the song. The owner of the boat company came to hear the song after it was recorded. He put us on the riverboat, the Delta Queen from New Orleans to Cincinnati and we played that song when we pulled into the port as we knew the press would be there. And the boat is still on the river. "Save the boat!" That was the key that one was.
Me: You were acting around that time, right?
Gary: They've been a combo on my life all my life. That's a beautiful feeling to go where the angels send me without arguing or talking back.
Me: Why the decision to leave the band and do acting?
Gary: Well, that's because movies happened. I did a movie and said this is the place, this is the direction I'm going to go in now. I'm going to be making movies. So the band dissolved. Out of all this experience I went through, it's in the book, you can read it, you can see it, read it two times, read it three times, read it four times. baby.
Me: So, let's talk about the book. One of your biggest roles was playing Buddy Holly in The Buddy Holly Story. This year it has been 60 years since Buddy died. My dad was a huge Buddy Holly fan, and I remember watching the movie with him on Betamax when I was a kid. What was it like playing him?
Gary: Well, "died" and "death" are Earth words. Buddy Holly is still here in spirit and the word "DEATH" that stands for Don't Expect A Tragedy Here.
Me: What does that mean?
Gary: I have that experience from being on the other side twice. Once was after a death after brain surgery, after a motorcycle accident on December 4th, 1988.
Me: What do you remember from then?
Gary: Everything, I remember the crash itself.
Me: What do you remember? Tell us...
Gary: I was on the Harley-Davidson Softail I just picked up from Bartels' on Washington Boulevard. I went around and turned back got about 40 miles per hour. I went around the corner and hit sand and my back wheel started fishtailing and my rear brake went down and I said, "Whoa, that's not good." I hit the front brake and it threw me over, I hit my head on the curb and my pelvis followed that. My skull was split to the temple to the top of it, with a hole in it as big as a fifty cent piece. I landed at the feet of a police officer who was there scouting the route of the marathon race which happened the next day... Monday. The paramedics were one block away, having a hamburger break. They picked me up, took me to Cedars-Sinai, got me into the operating room and the surgery took two and a half hours.
Me: What was it like after the surgery, Gary?
Gary: I had to walk and talk and dress myself and come back to logic and be a human being, So I was on that other side of dementia and illogicality for awhile.
Me: I read you got out of the hospital early. How and why did that happen?
Gary: They thought something was wrong with me that wasn't. But they realized Gary Busey was born with the energy of ten men that have normal jobs.
Me: Okay, you said you died, so I have to ask what do you remember seeing in the afterlife?
Gary: It's not an afterlife. Those are Earth words. It's the other side. It's the spiritual realm. It's supernatural. What I saw was I was only a foot long and a quarter of an inch wide, that's my essence, that's my soul. I was surrounded by balls of light, almost as big as volleyballs, and they were breathing and a light was coming out of them like in points, And they were red, magenta, amber, gold, white, and three of them came up to my essence and the one on my left was avolena mother of pearl and talked to me in an androgynous voice and thought and said, "The direction you're going is a good direction. But for responsibility for mankind you have to look for help in the spiritual realm. You may come with us now or return to your body and continue your destiny. It's your choice."
Me: Hmmmm. What choices did you make after the accident?
Gary: Well, I realized the truth of the truth is nothing changes but the changes. That's life and LIFE stands for Living In Forever Eternity.
Me: I think this is cool, your son Jake was in the latest Predator movie and he played the son of your character. What do you think of that?
Gary: Yay! Yes he did and he does and incredible job at just being himself.
Me: What do you think of him following you in your footsteps like that?
Gary: Well, what happened was I did a movie called Straight Time in the middle of the 70s with Dustin Hoffman and Kathy Bates. I had a son in the movie but we didn't have one cast so Dustin said, "What about Jake?" Jake was five and Jake came in and auctioned and he wanted to be called "Henry." He even had people in his class call him Henry. So he chose the name Henry and did the part. He came in one day and said, "I'm only going to do the scene once because I'm drawing a truck." Okay, we got the scene done. It was a great scene. Jake didn't know the script but we did it improv. He was perfect. On the way home I said, "Jake, what do you think about acting now?" He said, "I think it's the dumbest thing I'ver ever done." I said, "Why? Why do you think its the dumbest thing you've ever done? You were perfect today." He said, "Because, dad, all you do is pretend except you play like you're not pretending. And I'd rather be drawing a truck." So, there you have it, an acting lesson from a 5-year-old.
Me: What do you think of it what he said?
Gary: It's genius. It's truth. its his truth, it's his knowledge with the truth. And his truth is well said and understood in that statement. He's doing great. He started at five and now he's forty-eight and had a hot movie out... Predator.
Me: Gary, I have to mention this, you were on "Celebrity Apprentice." What was that like?
Gary: Oh, that was fun. Sleep deprivation was a big thing. I went to bed at eight-thirty every night, got up at five, went down and got my hair done, my makeup done, had a Styrofoam breakfast and at 7 a.m. went to the top of a big building being constructed... forty stories. Don Trump and Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. would be there and Donald would give us a task that we were doing. That was exciting, we all had different opportunities of doing things responsible. I accomplished all of those a hundred percent.
Me: Did you ever think that the host of that show would be president?
Gary: Yeah. You never know what's going to happen until it happens. Unless you're a psychic or a gypsy or somebody who lives in a balloon.
Me: Gary, what do you want people to take from this book when they read it?
Gary: People will smile. They will say my God, how could he go through that? But it tells how I went trough it and how I got out of it. It tells why I went through it and how I got out of it. It comes down to the spirit, it comes down to the truth of the soul and I reveal everything. I pull the curtain back and let everybody see I've done been and what it's done to me. And what things are doing to the readers that read the book, they'll be able to see a formula that's given to them in their own way from the book that what I've been through and that will be their way to get out of whatever they're going through that they have to get out of.
Me: Cool. Gary, thanks for being on the Phile, I hope this was fun.
Gary: Hey, man, thanks for asking me the questions I could answer. Enjoy the BIBLE... Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Gary for the interview. I felt I could have asked him better questions. Oh, well. Maybe he'll be on the Phile again one day. The Phile will be back on Thursday with singer Beth Nielsen Chapman. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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