Lettuce killed more Americans last year than undocumented immigrants. Just sayin'. Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? What about that Kevin Spacey, eh? Fresh off of releasing a truly terrifying video in character as "House of Cards"' Frank Underwood begging America to take him back, Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday and plead not guilty to sexual assault. He faces up to five years in prison for assaulting a minor. Spacey flew to his arraignment in a literal private jet, hustling right back after entering his plea and taking off like the supervillain he is. Spacey's easy afternoon has people remarking on the gross injustice that is the American justice system. Kevin Spacey is not the president, he just played one on TV, but it would be remarkably presidential of him to end up in prison.
Senator Ted Cruz, the bongo-playing octopus from Aquaman, has a beard now, and it's been widely praised for helping to obscure his facial features. The proudly bearded Texan wants you to know that not only does he have a beard, he also has at least one friend(?), and the friend is currently studying at a yeshiva in Israel, where a rabbi has chimed in (??) on the state of Cruz's face. Cruz insists that according to this rabbi, his beard evokes the wisdom of the great Jewish scholars. He also takes it as a compliment that his face puts "fear of the Lord into Israel's enemies," and could be the thing that is so universally loathed it brings Israelis and Palestinians together. Rabbis on Twitter, providing proof that they definitely exist, do not agree with their fellow clergymen's assessment of Cruz's beard as a harbinger of peace. Non-ordained Twitter users are also not buying the story. Cruz did call the beard-for-peace theory "perhaps a bit much." On that, I agree.
Donald Trump Jr. is a lot like his father in that he spends a lot of time tweeting, and his tweets are either stupid, wrong, or stupidly wrong. Don Jr.'s latest attempt to try and get his father to love him celebrated automaker Ford's decision to cancel a plant in Mexico and keep jobs in Michigan, exciting news we celebrated two years ago.
If you click the link, you'd see that the article is from 2017. The year is currently 2019, which is not 2017. The president on January 4th, 2017 was still one Barack Obama. I'll prove it to you...
The article is two years old, just a year older than Tiffany Trump's age when Donald Trump Sr. started talking about her future breasts. Don Jr. should check in on the latest headlines in the wake of daddy's trade war. In the grand scheme of history, two years is actually relatively recent. Don Jr. pulled the same shit on Instagram with a meme directed at Michigan Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib, who famously called Trump a "motherfucker," even though that's Mike Pence's name. A literate person would be able to notice that the article's date appears in the link, but that's too much to ask of someone named Donald Trump.
On Tuesday night, president Donald Trump made an address violently railing against immigration and doubling down on bis demand for $5.7 billion in funding for his border wall. In exchange, he said, he'll cease the already detrimental government shutdown. This display mirrored a child throwing a tantrum until they get their toy... except the toy he's wailing for is nationalism on steroids. Unsurprisingly, after Trump's lie filled speech was over, speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and senate minority leader Chuck Schumer took the stage to make a joint address decrying Trump's scare tactics. Pelosi kept it straight to the point, and focused on how Trump's speech ignored facts, "Much of what we've heard from president Trump during this senseless shutdown has been full of misinformation and even malice. The president has chosen fear. We want to start with the facts." Schumer echoed those concerns while also pointing out how Trump's rhetoric is "divisive." "Tonight... and throughout this debate and his presidency... President Trump has appealed to fear, not facts. Division, not unity. This president just used the backdrop of the Oval Office to manufacture a crisis, stoke fear, and divert attention from the turmoil in his administration." Regularly engaging with Trump is exhausting enough from a distance, so actually addressing him in person must be a soul sucking venture. Schumer's and Pelosi's posture and dead-eyed expression during their response just summed up how a lot of us feel. Needless to say, we are all very, very, very tired.
Hey! I have another story about Don Jr. Donald Trump Jr., that ball of hair that clogs up your shower drain, has long been on a quest to make his father love him by demonstrating that he is as racist as Donald Trump Sr. is. During the 2016 campaign, when he wasn't meeting with Kremlin agents promising dirt on Hillary Clinton, Don Jr. dehumanized Syrian refugees and compared them to Skittles, much to the chagrin of Skittles. Now Don Jr.'s latest metaphor is straight outta the Nazi playbook as he compared Mexicans to zoo animals.
People are horrified, because it's horrifying. It's horrifying on its own, and also considering what Don Jr. likes to do to animals. In addition to the racism, the tweet is bad because the premise is flawed: we can't enjoy a day at the zoo because the National Zoo has been closed thanks to the Trump Shutdown. Here's hoping that Don Jr. gets an education in the effiectiveness of walls from Robert Mueller.
In 2018 some people were so dumb they made the entire Internet face palm. Check this out...
Wow. There were some clapbacks at MAGA trolls that made the Internet great again in 2018.
This is Congressional politics now, and it rules. I was thinking f I had a TARDIS I would go back to 1909 and be one of the hundred or so people participating in a lottery to divide a twelve acre plot of sand dunes, that would later become the city of Tel Aviv...
Okay, maybe not. When I saw this pic recently it reminded me of something...
Then it hit me...
"I want my wall!" Hahaha. So, before Jason Mamoa was Aquaman he was anther character kinda similar...
Hahahaha. I know... that's stupid. That's as stupid as...
That's lame. I know. So, just as a reminder this is what we are supposed to be wearing this month...
You know what annoys me? Young people wearing obnoxious t-shirts, like this girl...
Okay, so one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn free and so easily. I thought I'd show a porn pic here so you don't have to go and look at porn site but I don't want you to get in trouble if you're at work or school. Then I came to a solution...
You're welcome. It's Thursday, so you know what that means.
Oh. Man. I think I'm gonna throw up the Wawa quesadilla I just ate. That's fucking sick! Okay... moving on. It's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.
Jeff: Hey, Jason, Glad to be back on the Phile.
Me: So, good job on your last podcast. Tell the readers what it's called and where they can listen to it.
Jeff: Thanks. I started the podcast late last year, but took a few months off during the holidays. But now that they are over, I'm back on it. The name of the podcast is "The Cinefan Movie Podcast." You can listen on iTunes, Spotify or Podomatic. The podcast will drop new episodes every weekend!
Me: Cool. So, did you see Aquaman? Did you like it?
Jeff: I haven't had a chance to see Aquaman. But I'm hoping to see it this weekend.
Me: Okay, let's talk about football... I feel bad for Cody Parkey... Bears fans went absolutely ballistic on him for missing the kick. ICYMI, which I'm sure you didn't, Cody Parkey was the butt of jokes after missing the game-winning field goal for the Bears Sunday night against the Eagles. Not only did the kick not win the game for the Bears, it lost it. If you were Cody what would you do? I would disappear. Haha.
Jeff: Yeah, I saw Cody Parkey's kick. It doinked not once, but twice. However it has been ruled that his kick was blocked by the Eagles. One of the linemen did get a hand on it, so it's not all Parkey's fault. Fun fact, he used to be an Eagle.
Me: Did you see Allen Hurns' injury? The Cowboys WR suffered a gruesome injury during the first quarter where he had his leg rolled over by a Seahawks defender, causing his ankle bone to snap and protrude from his leg. Just because it's Throwup Thursday I will show a screenshot of when he got hurt...
Jeff: I turned on the game a little late, so I missed Hearns' injury. And judging by it, I'm glad that I did. That just looks.... it hurts my ankle just looking at that!
Me: Well, as if the injury wasn’t enough unfortunate news by itself, Hurns has one year remaining on his contract, which is non-guaranteed. What do you think will happen to him, Jeff?
Jeff: Hearns has been around the league for a few years. He's a good WR. So even if Dallas doesn't resign him, I have no doubt that many other teams will sign him.
Me: Okay there's a rumor that Eli is gonna retire... I don't think so, what do you think? I think he'll play at least one more year.
Jeff: The Giants need to learn that their issues right now are not with Eli. It's the offensive line. Which has been quite offensive lately. And not in a good way. I could see him retiring if the Giants cut him. And that depends on what happens with the draft. I'm hoping he sticks around.
Me: What NFL news do you have?
Jeff: Other than the playoffs continuing. the first head coach vacancy has been filled. The Packers signed former Titan Offensive Coordinator Matt LaFleur to be their new coach.
Me: Did you see Britain has taken over another team?
Me: I like that one... what do you think of it?
Jeff: Dandy Fish! I like that one!
Me: Okay, so, how did we do with the wild card picks?
Jeff: How did we do? Well, I can tell you that you sucked! You went 0-2 in the wild card. I can also tell you I sucked. Because I went 0-2 as well. So I still lead by 10.
Me: Ugh! I will never catch up. Okay, let's pick for the week one playoffs. I say Chiefs by 3 and Chargers by 2. What do you say? I also think the Chiefs will make it to the Super Bowl.
Jeff: Well again, you picked the AFC so I will go with the NFC. I'll go with Rams by 5 and Saints by 7.
Me: Okay, Jeff, I will see you back here next Thursday. Have a good week.
Jeff: Good luck! Talk to you next week!
Hmmmm... I don't know what to think of that one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, in the past on the Phile I had a sex therapist who told us somethings she heard in the past, given some "advice." She's pretty popular so I thought I'd invite her back. So, please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hello, professor, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?
Liz: I'm fantastic, Jason.
Me: That's good. So, what do you have to tell us today?
Liz: Well, I was in life management class during my 10th grade year. We had just started a lesson on pregnancy when our teacher pulled out a picture diagram showing the difference between a baby developing after vaginal impregnation and anal impregnation.
Me: Ummm... and?
Liz: I inquired about the booty baby and our teacher claimed it was a result of anal sex, and said baby could but should not develop in the anus.
Me: What the hell?
Liz: I know, right? That's very inaccurate.
Me: Yeah, booty babies are not real. Haha. Thanks, Liz, please come back again real soon.
Liz: I will, Jason. Take care.
Me: Professor Liz Chickasaw, sex therapist, kids.
The 91st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Gary Busey will be the guest on the Phile next Monday. So, there's this num who likes to come onto the Phile and say what's on her mind. Unfortunately it's never pleasant... but it's her. Anyway, she's back.
Me: Hello, Sister, how are you?
Sister Xtian: Just dandy, Jason. So, I was told my personality was trash earlier today.
Me: Awe, I'm sorry. What did you in reply?
Sister Xtian: I said my personality might be trash, but my pussy isn't.
Me: Sheesh, Sister! I might have kids reading this.
Sister Xtian: So? Have you ever sat in the edge of the bed after some nasty ass sex and wondered if you'te still getting into heaven?
Me: Ummm... no.
Sister Xtian: Well, I do. I'm going to go now, and try to get laid. Bye.
Me: Ugh. Sister Xtian, the nun who doesn't give a damn, everybody. Now for some...
Phact 1. While filming ”The Wire”, Andre Royo, who played Bubbles, a drug addict, was approached by a Baltimore resident who handed him a package of heroin and said he looked like he needed a fix. Royo calls this his “street Oscar.”
Phact 2. Despite the popularity of Rickrolling, Rick Astley has only earned 12 dollars in royalties from YouTube for his performance share.
Phact 3. NASA has discovered a “waterworld” planet about 40 light-years away from Earth that might contain exotic materials such as “hot ice” and “superfluid water.”
Phact 4. The reason armadillos are so common as road kill are that they jump three to four feet vertically when startled, which caused them to collide with the bottom of cars.
Phact 5. During the Iraq war in 2003, the U.S. Military planned to attach chickens atop Humvees in order to detect chemical weapons. The project was named, Operation Kuwaiti Field Chicken (KFC). However, the project failed when 41 of the 43 chickens died within a week of their arrival.
Today's pheatured guest is an English drummer and percussionist, credited as one of the most respected rock drummers to emerge from the 1960s. He is a veteran of a number of famous English bands like the Crazy World of Arthur Brown, Atomic Rooster, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, and Asia. His latest CD "Live" is available on Amazon. Please welcome to the Phile... Carl Palmer.
Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Carl: I'm good, good to be here, I have all the time in the world.
Me: You recently toured with Yes, Todd Rundgren and your band Carl Palmer's ELP Legacy. Is that a fun tour to be on?
Carl: Believe it or not I only get to play for half an hour. I wasn't really keen on playing half an hour but I figured this is an unusual combination having Todd on the show and Yes. I've always been a bit fan of Yes.
Me: Have you met Todd before? I have been trying to get him on the Phile for so long.
Carl: No, I never met Todd before but I heard of him from Utopia which is kind of on the proggy side. He's a very nice man.
Me: So, I'm not that familiar with Emerson, Lake and Palmer's music to be honest, sir. It must be weird of you to do shows without those other guys.
Carl: Yeah, I'm doing a dedication to Greg Lake who we lost in December 2016.
Me: So, what is the main difference music wise between your new ELP Legacy to Emerson, Lake and Palmer?
Carl: Well, I don't have a keyboard player so I replaced Keith's parts with my guitarist who does an amazing job with some intricate music. Also I have Simon Fitzpatrick who is my bass player plays a six string bass. Paul Bielatowicz on guitar plays what they call a ten string Chapman Stick. So, this allows him to play the bass line and the most synthesizer sounds or solos like the famous one at the end of "Lucky Man," at the same time. Years ago if ELP could of had guitars in the band these are two guys that we would of had with us. It's just born out of time as I say. The standard with guitar players today is ridiculous. If you sit back and think about it for one minute you'll know more great guitar players than you do get keyboard players. That's why I thought it was a logical for me to move to guitars, not trying to copy ELP's sound but to try and show the music versatility of the music of ELP. A lot of it is classical adaptation that weren't written by us, nevertheless there's a fair amount of original material as well. It works out, I'm happy, it's fresh and works on its own. It's something people like or don't because we all instrumental versions. ELP played a lot of instrumentals, so it falls into a place quite nicely for me and it's been growing every year and I'm quite proud of it to tell you the truth.
Me: I recently interviewed a guy named Tom Griesgraber who plays a Chapman Stick. I never heard of it before then. How do ELP fans like this new band of yours, Carl?
Carl: We go down really well. We had standing ovations every night. I can't complain and I'm extremely grateful the American public if finally coming over and making it on board.
Me: Weren't you recently nominated as a prog god or something recently?
Carl: Yeah, September 2017 I got the Prog God of the Year in the U.K. and this is from Prog Rock Magazine and this is probably the highest accolade I could probably get in that area. I kind of take it with a pinch of salt, it's really nice, but I knew one day I'll make to the top of pile if I rock enough that's how I look at it. I am truly grateful for getting it.
Me: Do you think Emerson, Lake and Palmer will ever be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Carl: As far as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame I never really understood how they vote people in. Do they do it alphabetical order, go back to A after they got to Z? To be honest with you Emerson, Lake and Palmer was the early blueprint for the music we call prog rock which is quintessentially English. American people here produced jazz and gave it to the world, the English gave prog rock to the world. So not to be recognized by the Hall of Fame for me I got to the stage where I don't take it serious anymore to tell you the truth. Is it four guys around a table that decides? The American public who allows me to play for them today has given me a forty year career. They made Emerson, Lake and Palmer incredibly famous. We sold a large amount of records and still are. The back catalogue is incredibly strong. We do have great company now, BMG, that has helped us a last couple of years. I kind of look at that and think well, really in the eyes of the American public we ARE in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Just not that building they've got in Cleveland. I'm not to worried to tell you the truth, and if I was voted in I wouldn't go. I would probably send somebody in to represent us as Keith and Greg are not here to receive it.
Me: Okay. You have been working on deluxe editions of Emerson, Lake and Palmer releases. Was it fun to listen to all that stuff from all those years ago?
Carl: Yes, it was. Also I don't know if you know there was an awful lot of bootleg albums out of Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Years ago I put a campaign to together, called the Manticore Vaults, they're not studio recordings, they're bootlegs which I bought in places like Japan. I remember one day I spent $115 on bootleg albums of Emerson, Lake and Palmer. The very first concert of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, or the second concert at the Isle of Wight I found a recording in Camden Town, which is an area of London that has a lot of bric-and-brac type of shops, I bought another recording of Emerson, Lake and Palmer there. I put those boxes together and disclosed it saying this is not a great recording, this is what it is, for people that want everything that ELP ever did, I took it to a forensic sound studio and cleaned them all up. Keith and Greg weren't very interested in doing it so I did it and at the end of the day it's become part of our catalogue. BMG hasn't started releasing those yet but we are going to start to release them with the correct pictures of the period and that. I just think is just as important as the real recordings that were made in the studio as that's the history of the band. Especially with things like Asbury Park, the Isle of Wight, these are very important cornerstones of the career.
Me: Have some of this stuff been released already?
Carl: Yes, three box sets have already been released. There's three CDs in every box. There is enough for one more. I haven't had time to do it yet. I have somebody looking at it to let me know if it's worth spending money on. When I get these forensic studios I have to use what the police use which is a forensic sound studio where you could hear background noise, listen to what's going on, lift some of it out, but it costs money. They're so historical sometimes I have to see what I can salvage. They'll probably be another box set of about four CDs, then they will be four box sets of what I call the Emerson, Lake and Palmer bootleg series. At least we're controlling it now and it's not someone in Japan or some other country.
Me: You left Emerson, Lake and Palmer at one time I think I read. How did that go with the other guys?
Carl: It was a deeply sad moment for me, don't get me wrong, it took me a long time to get to that decision. The band has been my life really, it has been the most successful situation I've ever been in. It's been the type of music I always wanted to play. Coming from a classical family of classical musicians, my grandfather, my great grandmother all deeply in the middle of classical music, the whole of their career professionally talking, not as amateurs. So to play classical music in a rock form as adaptations on stage Emerson, Lake and Palmer became a dream for me. I really didn't want to sit in a symphony as the guy in the back, I wanted to be a rock drummer as a guy playing classical adaptations Emerson, Lake and Palmer did everything right. We tried to not do things wrong. We never argued over women, over money or this or that but we would argue over four bars of music for about four years. It was the perfect band for me to be in, I never sat on the fence, I always gave my opinion straight away and quite vocally. It was Emerson, Lake AND Palmer, exaclty what it said on the ticket. Right before that last gig I noticed at rehearsals it took five weeks of rehearsals to get the band to the standard what we heard on the record. I was deeply worried and the health issues in the band were not great, they were okay, they were workable. I looked at it and had to adapt my philosophy of my way of thinking to ELP which is this... I'm going to carry on playing as long as I'm improving. I'm still improving at the moment, my feet and my bass drumming playing is getting better. All be very slow, but that's normal when I have been playing as long as I have. I'm improving, which is slightly abnormal, but I'm so grateful for that. If I can't improve, I end up maintaining this standard I've got now, I will be so happy I can't tell you. If I can't maintain it then you won't hear from me again. They'll be no statement, I'll be gone. After that concert ELP dod not reach, and I knew it wasn't going to, I knew at rehearsals I was going to end it. I knew that we weren't reaching the level that we once played and I didn't want to become a nostalgic act. I thanked Great Britain for giving us the chance, I carried on with the concert but directly after the concert I told them. Keith was absolutely knocked out, with tear in his eye and said, "I'm so pleased you have done that, somebody had to do it. This is the right thing to do and from my point of view it's over, we're done." Greg Lake didn't take it very nicely at all, he didn't understand it, and I didn't want to go through the whole procedure of you're singing songs a tone lower and didn't quite sound the same. I just wanting to leave everyone with the dream how great we were. I realised if we started touring with this the people would realise the king has no clothes. I didn't want that, I wanted to end it on the biggest high because it was a major part of my career.
Me: Okay, so, did you guys talk after that?
Carl: I didn't talk to Greg for about six years after that. I talked to him right before his death matter of fact. He sent me a couple of emails saying he wanted to something and this was two or three years on and it couldn't be any better than when we got together for "High Voltage" so I said no, we're finished.
Me: As well as you playing music you are also an artist. I'll show one of your pieces here...
Me: Is painting new for you?
Carl: No, I started in '73 doing this taping light bulbs to drum sticks that were connected to a cable that went down to a battery on the floor and I would pretend to play the drums. These pictures were so amazing, one of them ended up in the Birmingham Mail, the biggest paper in my home town. I knew there was something there but we didn't have digital cameras those days and we didn't have LED drumsticks which is vital for this. An LED drumstick is like a regular drum stick but in the tip there's a lightbulb which is indestructible. It has four colors, red, green, blue and yellow. When these came along, I'm rolling forward forty years now, I decided I could revisit the art and with computers and cameras I could view this stuff immediately and try to make it work. I got with a company called SceneFour in Los Angeles, they sent me the sticks and I said I've already done this, this doesn't work, these sticks break. They said, "No, Carl, these are newer than the new ones. These are the latest and they're indestructible." I tried them and got worked so I've even doing it for almost five years. What we managed to do develop capturing shadows and reflections around me. I have been very, very lucky with it. Go to Carlpalmerart.com.
Me: Your latest works you painted the other guys in ELP , right?
Carl: Yeah, it's a very small catalogue called "My Legends," which is a dedication to Keith Emerson who died March 2016, I did a piece called "Welcome Back My Friends to the Show That Never Ends." As you know Greg Lake died in the year but at the end of the year and I called one "Lucky Man," which os my dedication to him. The third one, which I thought two was really bad luck is John Wetton who passed in January 2017, I did one for him called "In the Heat of the Moment." There's a couple of books I had as well with art in them. When you buy a piece of my artwork I donate to a charity of your choosing and your name and charity goes in the book.
Me: Very cool, Carl. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back here soon.
Carl: Thanks, Jason, I will.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Carl Palmer. The Phile will be back on Monday with Gary Busey. Spread the word, not the turd. Don;t let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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