Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Pheaturing David Attenborough


Hi, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? Finally, some good news! Rejoice, royal fam fans: another royal baby is coming spring 2019. Yesterday morning, Kensington Palace announced in a pair of tweets that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are expecting their first child, just months after their wedding in May. He or she will be seventh in line to the British throne and a direct line to cuteness. Aside from being beautifully interracial, the new baby will also be the first half-American to be close in the line of succession to the throne. Essentially, this baby will be a peacekeeper and rightfully so, nobody has any chill about it. Sure, the planet might explode in twenty years and women are being treated like garbage, but babies are adorable and royal babies are like miniature regal adults. Besides, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry seem like they genuinely love each other which is rare for people in the spotlight (RIP Ariana and Pete). Meghan and Harry, you'll make great parents and Twitter agrees as "#RoyalBaby," has been a trending topic in the United States since the news broke. Some people are worried about the baby's due date being so close to the Brexit deadline. Congratulations to soon-to-be parents Meghan and Harry!
After a whirlwind romance that included matching tattoos, a pet pig, and an engagement (to be married!) three weeks after confirming their relationship, Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande have allegedly called it quits. TMZ reports that it was easy come, easy go for the young lovers, who called off their engagement over the weekend. The site says that the relationship reached its "breaking point" following Grande's ex-boyfriend Mac Miller passing from an apparent fatal overdose. Grieving doesn't pair well with wedding planning, and neither does Davidson making dumb jokes about switching Grande's birth control with Tic Tacs, and saying he was "proud" when she was groped by a bishop at Aretha Franklin's funeral. The breakup is probably hard on both of them and their tattoo artists, but it particularly sucks for Davidson, because now he doesn't have a place to live. Back in August, the comedian told GQ that he moved into Grande's $16 million Manhattan apartment. “We’re learning how to be adults. We’re having a really fun time.” Well, that "fun time" has come to an end, and Davidson and his six beanbags will have to find a new place to live. Fans made a GoFundMe for the guy, which GoFundMe promptly took down. Davidson's on television, people. Lorne Michaels will help him land on his feet. No need to put change in his coffee cup.
Oh, Hillary. The former Secretary of State enjoyed something close to the world's sympathy when an old slavery-protecting institution handed the presidency to Donald Trump even though she got three million more votes. While America has to deal with the cruel joke that Trump is president during the #MeToo era (and putting his fellow assaulters on the Supreme Court), his former opponent is also having a hard time keeping up with the times. Earlier this year, Monica Lewinsky wrote about "The Scandal" in Vanity Fair, and the trauma she endured being the punching bag of the world's press and Republican opposition. "What transpired between Bill Clinton and myself was not sexual assault, although we now recognize that it constituted a gross abuse of power," Lewinsky wrote. Well, Mrs. Clinton begs to differ. Hillary insists that the most powerful man in the world having an affair with a 22-year-old intern was not an abuse of power because the intern was over 18. By this logic, nobody can abuse power in the workplace as long as their employees aren't teenagers. While it's unfair that women keep being asked to explain the sins of men, Hillary sounds so out-of-touch with the current moment, like Captain America when he emerged from his popsicle. Your fave is problematic. It's insane that a sexual predator is president, but at least one isn't First Lady?
Rather than debate his political opponents on the merits of their ideas... something he is most certainly capable of... Trump calls them nicknames. Trump is particular proud of the fact that he calls Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas," because she claimed to have Native American ancestry. "I will give you a million dollars to your favorite charity, paid for by Trump," Trump said in the third person, "if you take the test and it shows you're an Indian." Well, Senator Warren took the test, and it shows that she's an Indian. At least, a lil' bit. Warren recruited a geneticist from Stanford University to analyze her genes, Professor Carlos Buntamante declared, "the facts suggest that you absolutely have Native American ancestry in your pedigree." Even though Trump likes to pretend that Warren claims tribal identity, she does not, in fact, claim tribal identity... just heritage. The Massachusetts senator also shared a report debunking the claim that Warren used her heritage to advance her career, as Sarah Huckabee Sanders alleges from the White House podium. Whether Warren being somewhere between 1/32nd and 1/1,024th Native American is enough for you to shift focus to her legislative record is up to you to decide. Many people see Warren engaging with Trump's attacks as a massive self-own. Conservatives are insisting that the test proves she is insufficiently Native American and took the opportunity to make this about attacking trans people. Trump did not specify just how Native American Warren has to be, and now she wants him to pay up. Trump said that he didn't say what he said, so Warren re-shared the video of the president saying what he said. If the president were a good person, he'd give some of his "many millions" to charity anyway. Now's a good time to note that we still haven't seen Trump's tax returns, and they might hold the secrets to why he refuses to condemn Russia for interfering with the 2016 election and Saudi Arabia for murdering a Washington Post journalist. Twenty-one days until the 2018 election, and 2020 is already here!
Princess Eugenie of York, Queen Elizabeth's granddaughter and a member of the Royal B-Squad, got married at Windsor Castle on Friday, and it's already old news. As I already said, Kensington Palace announced that the Duchess of Sussex (aka Meghan Markle) is pregnant with a Royal Baby. Rumor has it that the Sussexes shared the news with the family at Friday's Royal Wedding, and the paparazzi thinks they have photos of the exact moments they told people before and after the ceremony. I imagine that Eugenie is pissed. Eugenie's mom, Fergie, is posting throwback pics of last Friday, as if to say "REMEMBER US!!!!" You may now resume not knowing what a "Princess Eugenie" is.
So, sometimes people get their asses saved by a total stranger. Not all humans are the worst. Like these strangers, Netflix and chillin' on the train...


I love dogs but some dogs are jerks... like this one.


He's thinking, "I didn't rob a baby." Hahaha. If I had a TARDIS I would like to go back to the 30s, but I'll probably get depressed if I saw this...


I wonder where his children are now. Do you like Oreo's? There's a brand new flavor out now...


I never ate Ramen noodles in my life. I was thinking about getting a new tattoo but someone had the same idea as I had.


Hahahahaha. So, do you know what makes me laugh? Old people wearing inappropriate t-shirts.


Haha. I was thinking, do you know who would do a better job as president? A freakin' penguin.


So, I saw this pic the other day of a ferret...


And it reminded me of something. Then it hit me...


The same, right? I was told that I'd see some odd things at Walmart. I didn't believe it until I saw this...


What the bell, right? Do you watch the "The Great British Bake-Off" show? Well, here's a hilarious still from that show that will make you blush...


Alright, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's some things that happen in Florida that don't happen anywhere else in the Universe. So, once again here is the pheature called...


A Florida police officer was arrested on October 5th after Department of Law Enforcement officials said that he used his patrol car to sell drugs near an assisted living facility. Dwayne Frazier White, 48, was investigated when somebody called the cop on the cop, and one of his coworkers on the force went undercover and bought opioids from him. White was arrested while on duty and was booked into the Walton County Jail, where he's presumably sharing a cell with people he arrested. The most shocking part of this story is that people were dumb enough to buy drugs from a man in uniform. What otherwise reeks of a sting operation could, in fact, be the ultimate disguise. No actual narc would be a narc, no?



If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. It's a pretty lame one I think. Okay, some of you might know there's a new Star Wars cartoon on TV. A friend of the Phile has something to say about it, so once again here is...


Let's Talk About It!: "Star Wars Resistance." The show for the minor league fanbase! So I took the chance to watch three of the available episodes of "Resistance" and went into this with a fresh perspective. I knew quickly going into this that it would be a "show for the kids" element and didn't bother to judge it harshly but if it was a show even caring about to keep up with this season. However Star Wars is for EVERYONE and really wanted to see if there was at least that element in there for me. So i'll make this very quick. First episode was diffidently childish in the beginning and immediately hated the main character of the show. The voice actor SCREAMED Disney to me (which if you don't know what that means at all it's just a character that has the tone good enough for a kid to get it) and I guess that's whatever. Poe being in this was a great touch for the show to start off and liked hearing him reprise the role again. BB-8 is an amazing touch to kind hold the show together in my opinion. And the crew members was average if not above average at best. Maybe over time they will be more developed but right now it's meh. The second and third episodes was a bit better but nothing much changed from my opinion from the show. Only that the alien crew member was hell of funny for some odd reason and that I still hated the main character if not more. The only appeal I got from this was the history introduced about the Battle of Jakku, and the Scarif. Also the mystery of Phasma's plan on why she needs to do what she needs too. This was a hard part to accept because Phasma... well... Phasma has a very bad habit of being a huge disappointment so caring about anything she does makes it very hard. So do I recommend you watch it at all? I say watch the first two episodes and judge it from that. This show isn't bad or good but only meh and that's okay for it to be meh for hardcore fans. Not every Star Wars media will be the golden egg and this is more like a regular egg you can just either skip or join in on. However I don't think this format and focus they have right now is going to change and that's something people will need to accept. I know for myself though. I think I can resist watching this series.





You know how you get into your friend's car and you wanna tell them they drive terribly, but don't wanna hurt their feelings? Well, all you have to do is take notes from this baby and copy this exact facial expression.


Studies have shown that duct tape is significantly more effective than liquid nitrogen at removing warts.



Brace yourselves, because I am about to make the understatement of the year. Are you prepared yet?! Have you doused yourself with coffee and prepared for an insultingly obviously revelation?! Alright, well here goes: Donald Trump is a BAD husband and some degree of narcissist. The latest photographic proof of Trump's overt hatred for all women, not excepting his wife Melania, shows him holding a large umbrella over his head while the First Lady gets gradually drenched.


There are plenty of metaphors in there, but the visual really does the bulk of the leg work. This latest evidence confirming the worldwide thesis that Trump Is A Bad Husband took place yesterday, when the couple chatted with reporters outside the White House right before traveling to Florida to inspect the ravages of Hurricane Michael. Needless to say, the Internet noticed Trump's lack of regard for Melania in the rain, and the jokes and hot takes came rolling in stronger than Hurricane Michael itself. To many of us, Trump's lack of regard for Melania doesn't even seem like an intentional act, because empathizing with others seems far more second nature than considering them. I can only imagine and assume that "Why Does It Always Rain On Me" by Travis was playing in Melania's head during this whole exchange. Unless she needs to feel the droplets of sky trash water in order to feel alive, in which case "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage would be on blast.



Paul Allen 
January 21st, 1953 — October 15th, 2018
Did anyone try turning him off and back on again?



Fifty percent of Canada is the letter "A."




Here's another common Halloween costume you probably didn't know were horribly...


Costume: Ghost.


Why it's offensive: We have freedom of religion in this country, and that means we also have freedom from religion. Atheists have just as much right to their beliefs as Christians, Buddhists, and Muslims, but when you show up on the doorstep of an atheist dressed as a ghost, you're forcing them to acknowledge the existence of an afterlife, the foundation of the religious dogma they reject. You might as well just bring back the Crusades.



Phact 1. Cats can re-hydrate by drinking seawater, due to their extremely efficient kidneys.

Phact 2. The people of Oslo, Norway present the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree each year in gratitude to the people of London for their assistance during World War II.

Phact 3. The working title for Snakes on a Plane was changed to Pacific Air Flight 121 during filming, but Samuel L. Jackson insisted that they change it back. He later said, “That’s the only reason I took the job: I read the title.”

Phact 4. Cats, unlike dogs, cannot (for physiological reasons resulting in blindness and death) be vegetarian.

Phact 5. Disney was so eager to persuade Robin Williams for the voice of the genie in Aladdin that before approaching him, they animated and lip-synced the genie doing a performance from Robin’s album "Reality." Williams was impressed and immediately accepted the role.



This is cool... today's pheatured guest is widely considered a national treasure in Britain. He's an English broadcaster and naturalist who is best known for writing and presenting, in conjunction with the BBC Natural History Unit, the nine natural history documentary series that form the "Life" collection, which form a comprehensive survey of animal and plant life on Earth. He is also the author of Life on Earth, the 88th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Sir David Attenborough.


Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile. It's so cool to have you here. How are you?

David: Thank you very much indeed. I am good.

Me: I remember you being on the BBC when I loved in England in the mid 80s. I read when you first started being on TV you never watched it yourself, am I right?

David: Well, nobody really had really. In 1952 you only could see television in London, you couldn't see it anywhere else in the country. The number people who had sets were in the few thousand if that. So hardly anybody had seen television. The cameras we were using and the studio we were using were the ones that provided the first public service in the world... ever. We were still using them and that started in 1936.

Me: There weren't that many people making television shows then I take it, right?

David: There were about twenty or thirty odd people making television in the world and they were all around me at one point or another.

Me: So, was being in TV fun for you back then?

David: Yes. It was very exciting. It was drinking "broadcast champagne."

Me: So, how did you get into nature stuff for a television show?

David: Well, at the time hardly anybody had done any programme's about anything really except we did cooking and knitting and politics and quiz shows and gardening and plays. And so actually going out into the wild wasn't what television had did. Television hadn't, I'm speaking now of the BBC in London, we didn't have the money or the fare to go to Africa let alone the cost of making the films. Television was an offspring of radio and the people who ran the radio said most of the money was there's and they'd just give us a little bit. Don't spend too much of it at the same time and you don't certainly spend it on air fares. So it wasn't until I've been in the business for a couple of years I started persuading people to let me take a film camera to Africa.

Me: One of your first shows you did I think was "Zoo Quest." What was that show about?

David: I would travel around the world filming London Zoo staff getting animals for the zoo.

Me: What are some of your best memories from that show?

David: Well, all I remember mostly I thought at the time the thing to avoid was to get to go was to grab the head of a python or it might bite me. Actually the worst job is to grab the tail because when a snake is a large size and is picked up it squirts something from its back end and you can't get it out for some days to come.

Me: Hahaha. I read you worked with folk musician Alan Lomex back then on something. Am I right?

David: Yes, very much so. Alan Lomax was a famous folk music collector from North America who came over to England and I actually did a number of programmes and persuaded the BBC to let him do a natural folk music programmes on British television which was great. I got to know him, he was a very remarkable man. One of the first people to record the original jazz players for the Library of Congress.

Me: When did you first realize that nature programs could be entertaining?

David: Well, I took a degree in zoology just because I find animals fascinating and I was sure other people would too. Best of all I could persuade people to do those sort of programmes then I could get myself to Africa or indeed to Paraguay where those musicians were. Every year I used to go abroad and film animals in the wild and then make a period of six programmes which was great fun.

Me: So, I was told to ask you what your connection to Monty Python was. What is it?

David: Haha. From 1965 until 1969 I was the director for BBC 2 and I commissioned "Monty Python's Flying Circus" for television.

Me: That's crazy! What was that like and how?

David: By that stage I had been in administration for about four years and I became lumbered with being responsible for both BBC's networks. By that stage I was largely a ritual of signing things off and saying "yes, okay." I knew the Monty Python boys very well, I have known them subsequently since.

Me: What was it about Monty Python that made you want to put them on air? I have to thank you on behalf of my dad and a lot of my readers I'm sure. Haha.

David: They were a new kind of comedy. It had old blokes, blokes like me as I am now. The old people at the BBC didn't understand this sort of comedy at all. I suppose I was a bit younger than some of them. They would say to me, "I don't understand that. What are they doing? Why are they hitting each other across the face with bits of fish?" I'd say, "If you don't understand hitting yourself in the face with a bit of fish you don't understand their comedy." But of course it was groundbreaking stuff. It was marvelous.

Me: So true. So, this is the 40th anniversary of "Life on Earth" and the book was republished that accompanied that series. Why was "Life on Earth" different from any of the other natural history shows you had done before?

David: Well, because it looked at the history of life. It looked over three thousand million years, it started with the very simplest forms and worked its way though fish and amphibians and reptiles and eventually got to man or humanity. It was thirteen one hour parts which looked at each section of the natural world as it appeared as it were in history. It was great fun to do. It took a mechanical and methodical view about the animal kingdom and so I didn't neglect bits of it.

Me: How did to go when you pitched the show?

David: I remember actually trying to sell the idea to some co-producers and I said in an over enthusiastic way, "It's so exciting because we are starting in the very beginning and we're going to work alllll the way through to humanity." The person I was trying to sell it to said, "You mean the first programme is going to be one hour about green slime?" I said, "Yes!" But it didn't convince him. 

Me: Haha. One of the most popular scenes from "Life on Earth" is you and the mountain gorillas in Rwanda. I have a screen shot of that to show...


Me: Hahaha. What do you remember about that?

David: Well, at that particular moment I was approaching a group of gorillas and didn't think I was going to get anywhere near them really. I thought they would be sitting in the background. I was very lucky to get as close as we were because a remarkable American woman called Dian Fossey had habituated this particular group in Rwanda of gorillas and so I was whispering in that way because I didn't want to frighten them. What I didn't know was in a few minutes within me actually saying that there were gorillas at that time sitting behind me relatively close but not sort of alarming and so. I was lying down there wondering what happened next and I felt a weight on my feet. Baby gorillas actually crawled out of the undergrowth and were taking off my shoes, undoing my shoe laces. I sort of laid back wondering what was going to happen next and their mother, a huge female gorilla, came out and put her hand, a vast great black boxer glove, on top of my head and took her huge fore finger and put it in my mouth, pulled my jaw down with her finger to look inside my mouth. Don't ask me why, but that's what she did. I just sat there thinking this was absolutely fabulous. If you asked me if I was frightened, I was not in the least frightened because these creatures conveyed they were absolutely at ease and not worried, they were just friendly. I had the time of my life, an unforgettable few days, few minutes.

Me: Sheesh. I freak out when a small gecko comes into my apartment. Was there any time you were frightened?

David: Well, never really importantly so. There were some moments when I was relieved when the animals didn't get any closer. I remember actually in North America getting very close to grizzlies up in Alaska. The person I was with said, "You'll be alright standing here because you are on a bank of a river and this grizzly is walking towards you and there's a river between you and it." I said, "But he could easily jump over that or wade over it, can't they?" He said, "No. Don't worry about that, they're just fishing." I thought they could be after bigger flesh than what comes from a salmon. Anyway, they did come and he came alarmingly close. Of course the difficulty is if I'm on television I'm supposed to be looking at the camera and with this enormous creature behind me I can't see them, I don't know how close they are. It puts me off in getting the right words, looking into he camera if I think this thing is about to jump on my back.

Me: Since "Life on Earth" you have done other shows such as "Blue Planet" which is on Netflix. How is doing a show nowadays different than back then?

David: Well, nowadays we can go all around the world finding interesting creatures and we do.

Me: I have to admit nature shows or movies are not my "cup of tea" so to speak. But a lot of people seem to like them. Do you they to entertain more or educate?

David: Well, to be absolutely truthful, I really don't differentiate between entertainment and education. Education that isn't entertaining doesn't achieve its end and entertainment that doesn't contain something which is illuminating to you loses half its strength. I think the two things are inseparable and I hope at programmes we do are just enjoyable, never mind they're entertaining or whether they're educational.

Me: There's a lot of devastation facing he planet now than when you started out I believe. How do you balance that with the "beauty" of the planet?

David: Well, I can't go on all the time for fifty minutes or an hour saying everything is a disaster, look how ghastly it all is. It's putting things the wrong way round. I have to start by saying, "Look, this is marvelous. This is beautiful. This is fascinating. This is mysterious. This is wonderful. Look at it and enjoy it." Then I could say we are causing huge problems for this. If I do it the other way around I can't do a whole program which spending all my time saying this is a disaster. At least I can't do it very often. If I have a weekly show, which some of our programmes are, they are on for seven weeks, some of them are thirteen, I can't say every week it's a disaster, it's a catastrophe. I have to time my punches as it were.

Me: So, are you hopeful for the future of the planet?

David: I'm actually more hopeful than I was about ten years ago.

Me: Why is that?

David: Well, the disasters were overwhelming and increasing in number and I couldn't see any way out of it. I couldn't see any beams of hope. But actually the whole issue has been global in the last ten years. Now I mean China, for example, which used to be pouring fumes into the atmosphere. China has realised they cannot go on this way. China has done something about getting smokeless fuel projects going. All around the world people are starting to realise that they have a responsibility, not only about the atmosphere but about the oceans, So things are moving. We have for example stopped hunting whales, which fifty years ago was a major, major problem. But that's not to minimise the disasters that are looming. What's happening to the seas is catastrophe. How are we going to fix that internationally because it has to be done internationally. I don't know, but at least more people are aware of what the problem is than they were. Eventually I'm just hoping that people power is going to make the politicians take notice of that has to be done.

Me: So cool. So, I think you're the oldest guest I ever had on the Phile. How old are you if you don't mind me asking.

David: I'm ninety-two.

Me: Wow. Congrats. So, you have entertained and educated so many people over the years, sir. What has your career given you?

David: it's giving me a good time, I'll tell you that. I've had the most wonderful and most privileged time. When I started in the 50s the world was a different place. It was still the 19th century in many sort of ways. It was also apart from being politically different, it was also ecologically different in fact we hadn't actually started the wholesale massacre of forests and massacre of species and the pollution of the oceans. That hadn't started. But it was beginning and perceptive naturalists, I don't include myself among them, but perceptive naturalists were starting to warn shat humanity was doing to the rest of the world. Their proficiencies have come true in my life time. We have lost lots of species, the world is in a more situation and greater danger than there's ever been in the last two thousand years.

Me: With everything you have done so far is there situation that sticks with you?

David: There are lots. I mean there's the gorillas, I'm never allowed to forget the gorillas, and I don't mind being prompted about them. That was the most wonderful moment. Also one of the most moments subjectively that is memorable as far as I'm concerned is the first time I put on scuba gear and dived on a coral reef and that was in 1955. I wasn't much good as an underwater swimmer at that time but the moment when I suddenly lose my weight, when I could move upwards and downwards just by a flip of a fin on my feet is such an extraordinary transformation to be able to move in a different way. There I am surrounded by a hundred, two hundred, three hundred organisms I've never seen the like of in my life. They are of incredible beauty, extraordinary things I never knew existed, I had no idea what kind of things they are on the reef. And most of all those animals are not frightened of me. They swim all around me, that is a breath taking moment I'll never forget. And it's one of the great tragedies, coral reef's are on the way out unless something extraordinary happens and the nations of the world really do manage to get together and do something about marine pollution and about atmospheric pollution and temperature risings. Because coral reefs rely on very very precise conditions to survive. They are crucial to the offer of the oceans because they are the nurseries of a vast number of species of oceanic fish let alone coastal fish. The thought my grandchildren or my great grandchildren might not see them is a deeply tragic one.

Me: That's true. Sir, thanks for being on the Phile. I hope it was fun and I hope you will come back again soon.

David: Thank you.





That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Cadence Hall and of course David Attenborough. The Phile will be back on Thursday with the one and only... Paul McCartney. I'm so excited. He's another British treasure. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.


































Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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