Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? So, last week's Senate testimonies from Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford captivated the nation and divided the population into two groups: people who believe Dr. Ford and people who'd rather not. Kavanaugh made it very clear at the hearing that he's getting very impatient waiting to assume the power over the country's laws that he's entitled to, but his lifetime appointment is going to have to wait a week. After pressure from Arizona Republican Senator Jeff Flake, the confirmation has been delayed a week so the FBI can investigate the sexual assault allegations against the judge. Kavanugh's friends in the White House initially set very tight restrictions on the investigation, handing the FBI a list of the only four people they're allowed to talk to and demanding that they finish by October 5th, which is tomorrow. It might seem damning that Republicans were forbidding the FBI from interviewing a dude nicknamed Squi... who just so happens to be the link between Kavanaugh and Ford... and that's probably because it's suspicious as hell. After significant outcry, The New York Times reports that the White House "has authorized the FBI to expand its abbreviated investigation into sexual misconduct allegations against Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh by interviewing anyone it deems necessary as long the review is finished by the end of the week." According to Ronan Farrow, however, the FBI doesn't seem to be doing much investigating, and is literally ghosting some people who have information about the man who can define American life for forty years. Luckily, there's another federal bureau of investigation: The Washington Post. Help us, Free Press, you're our only hope.
People who want to see Kavanaugh confirmed are saying that either they don't believe Dr. Ford, or that they believe her and simply don't care. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) famously blew up during the hearing insisting that the allegations are lies, a monologue so moving it was immortalized by Kate McKinnon on "SNL." People with Pepe the Frog avatars on Twitter have been out in full force calling her fake news, and Kavanaugh himself said in his testimony that she was part of a "conspiracy on behalf of the Clintons." The smears are plentiful, and coming from both people in basements and people in the United States Congress. The verified campaign page of Iowa congressman and literal white supremacist Steve King is sharing memes about Ford, because this is discourse in Trump's America. Sarah Huckabee Sanders called her story false, which definitely means that it's true. Being assaulted is horrible. Living with the subsequent trauma for decades is terrible. Having the president and his entire party ruling Washington working to delegitimize and work overtime so they can make your assaulter one of the most powerful men in the world: priceless.
A racist white lady freaking out at two Mexican women for speaking Spanish is enough to make you lose your faith in humanity, but your faith will soon be restored when an ally stepped in and called her out. It went down on Monday at a grocery store in a city called Rifle (only in America, folks). A woman identified as Linda Dwire freaked out at the sounds of something other than English. A good Samaritan named Kamira trent stepped in and said, "I'm calling the cops. You leave these women alone! Get out!" Dwire didn't simply take the L and stop spewing vitriol. "You come from a generation that's destroying this country," she said. "No, I do not. I have respect. You do not harass people," Trent replied. With her finger pointed at Trent, Dwire said, "You will lose your country. You know what, you will lose this country." Trent followed her down the aisle and called the cops. According to BuzzFeed, Dwire was taken to Garfield County Jail and charged with two counts of bias-motivated harassment. The women targeted by Dwire explain that when she overheard them speaking Spanish to each other, she asked them if they lived in the United States and whether they liked it. One of the women, Fabiola Velasquez, was grocery shopping with her children when Dwire yelled, "You're in America. You're in my country. You can't speak Spanish here. You need to speak English if you're going to be in America." Trent was shopping in the aisle when she heard the harassment and rather than just heading for the cereal section, called the lady out. Dwire maintains that she's not racist, she's just a champion of the English language. "It’s a patriotic thing. When people come to my country, they need to love it enough to speak English," she said. Velasquez, on the other hand, views it as a racially-charged attack. "If she wasn’t racist, she wouldn’t care what language we would speak," she said. "It baffles me because, I don’t understand, what concept they have about us [immigrants]. What are we trying to take away from them exactly?" The video went viral with over six million views on Twitter, and Trent is being celebrated as a hero. Trent has advice for anyone who witnesses or suffers from a similar situation: "Stand up and say something. Letting that happen is really what's wrong with our country."
A bunch of teens played a racist prank at high school, and both their school and the entire Internet are taking them to task. Students at California's Escondido High School dressed in shirts with letters on them. About ten kids took it upon themselves to stand in line and pose for photos where racist and homophobic terms were spelled out clearly. They posted the posts on Snapchat and Instagram, according to BuzzFeed. The pics have since gone viral. Check this shit out...
The high school's principal posted a statement to Facebook, saying "actions have been taken" against the perpetrators. Facebook followers are urging the principal and the larger community to make sure the students really understand why what they did was wrong. The kids' punishment ranged from school suspensions to being booted from extra-curriculars, BuzzFeed reports. One student expressed regret in an interview with the Free Hugs Project. "I am scared to go back to school but I am going to try and show people that's not who I really am because that's for sure not who I want to be," she said. "I want to show people that's not right. I've learned from my mistakes."
As the Boss sings, "everybody's got a hungry heart," but some people's hearts are just a little too hungry. CBS Chicago reports that a woman was contacted by someone claiming to Bruce Springsteen himself after she commented on a Springsteen fan page. "I’m like whoa Bruce Springsteen, I’m good how are you," the woman said. The woman, going by the name "Mary" in the press because "Thunder Road," exchanged pictures and texts with "Bruce" for almost a year and things got flity. "Bruce" told "Mary" that he was getting a divorce, and that he needed money because his wife controlled all of his bank accounts: "My mind was just so, so like maybe brainwashed or something I said okay how much money," Mary recalled. She ended up sending $11,500 through both MoneyGram, Western Union and a cashiers check to someone in DuBai. Whoever this scammer is, I hope he was born to run.
Okay, so, times people get their asses saved by a total stranger. Not all humans are the worst. Like the world's best neighbors, who left this person a note after overhearing lovely ukulele music.
All together now... awwwweeeee. I don't know about you but I love dogs, but sometimes they can be arseholes.
I bet he's thinking "it wasn't me." Haha. Baby boomers everywhere are doing their damnedest to communicate via text, often with their tech-savvy millennial children. I kind of understand what they're trying to say... except sometimes, I can't make sense of it at all. If you've ever received a random string of letters from your grandma or ten plus garbled texts about nothing from your gramps, you understand the confusion that can ensue when baby boomers text. Let's look at an example, shall we?
They attempt wordplay that simply doesn't work. If I had a TARDIS I would go back to 1945 and help Jewish prisoners after being liberated from a death train.
I don't know if you know why but I'm allergic to bees, wasps, hornets and any thing like that so if I saw this I would freak out...
Kill it! Do you know what I think is funny? Old people wearing inappropriate t-shirts. Like this guy...
Hahahahahahaha. Ever pull a prank on someone at work? I think this is brilliant...
So, I was thinking, you know who would do a better job as president than Trump... a fucking penguin.
Haha. So, I saw this pic...
It reminded me of something and then it hit me...
Pretty close, right? So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can look at porn for free and so easily. The problem is I want you to stay on the Phile and read it and not go look at something else. I had an idea that to stop that I should show a pic here. But if you are at school or work I don't want to get you in trouble. So I came up with a solution...
You are welcome. Hey, it's Thursday. You know what that means...
Ugh. Sheesh. And now for a common Halloween costume you probably didn't know was horribly...
Costume: Iron Man (Kids size).
Why it's offensive: Hmm. You want to let your child dress as a mega-wealthy one-percenter who made billions off of weaponry, and who "changes his ways" by weaponizing his own body into the ultimate death machine? Let your kid wear this if he wants, but don't let him call himself Iron Man. Tell him to say, "I'm dressed as a celebration of economic disparity and the American military industrial complex. And apparently my parents are fine with this."
Hahahaha. That's a pretty stupid Mindphuck... but funny. Reminds me of a few years ago on Halloween when I wore the banana suit. Alright, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.
Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Jeff: Always glad to be back here on the Phile!
Me: So, I thought his was nice... Ahead of the Saints-Giants game Sunday in the Meadowlands, NOLA News photographer Michael DeMocker captured this beautiful moment of a New Orleans fan helping a disabled New York fan he’d never met stand during the length of the National Anthem.
Me: You could say the Saints walked away from their game with two W’s. Also the Browns still haven't won a Sunday in over a thousand days. Despite a valiant effort, the Browns fell short against the Raiders in the final minutes of overtime Sunday, the 145th consecutive Sunday in which the Browns have played and lost to be exact. What do you think of these stories?
Jeff: Those two stories couldn't be any different from each other. One shows how despite all the things separating us as human beings, there are still people willing to go out of their way to help a fellow human being. Hats off to you. Then there's the Browns. Baker Mayfield's first start was good, but Cleveland came up just a little short. Again. I almost feel bad for that franchise, but seeing how they are in my division I don't entirely feel bad for them!
Me: This is one thing I didn't like... the Saints DC Dennis Allen called Eli Manning "the slowest QB in the NFL." Asshole. Haha. What do you think of that? Is he right?
Jeff: I don't know that I would call Eli the slowest QB in the league. Again, part of the issue is his offensive line. I'm also not saying he's fleet of foot. I'd put him towards the bottom of the list though. Not going to lie.
Me: What stories do you have from this past week?
Jeff: Biggest news of the week is on the injury front. Seattle Seahawks disgruntled S. Earl Thomas was injured and is feared to be out for the year. To show his displeasure, he flipped off his own team as he was carted off the field. We had two more Overtime games this season. Pretty sure we're going to set a record this season. Speaking of records, QB's are flinging the ball at a record pace this year as well. We're seeing an increase in 400 yard games.
Me: So, Britain has taken over another team, Jeff...
Me: What do you think?
Jeff: I... I don't even know what to say to that. I'm assuming it's the Packers but what that means is beyond me.
Me: Hahaha. Okay, so, how did we do this past week? Am I still in the lead?
Jeff: Both our teams lost this week. I have continued my streak and went 0-2 on top of that. You went 1-1 so your lead increases! Good job!
Me: Yay! Let's do this week's picks... I say Ravens by 5 and I really hate to do this but Steelers by 2.
Jeff: I'm going to say New England over Colts by 7 and Chiefs win by 3.
Me: Alright, I'll see you here next Thursday. Have a good week.
Jeff: See you next week!
George Washington didn't know dinosaurs existed, but he probably thought giants were real. America's first president died in 1799, and science didn't prove the existence of dinosaurs until 1841. Before then, fossilized dino bones were often thought to belong to an externe race of giant humans.
While the president chose to use his platform to mock Dr. Ford, people are grateful that Chris Evans used his platform to condemn him for it. People in the comments are upset with Trump, but not surprised. Trump's mockery was so fucked up that even one of his best friends at "Fox and Friends" questioned the wisdom of the move on strictly tactical grounds. At least one of America's representatives on the world stage has a sense of decency. Oh Captain, my Captain!
Charles Aznavour
May 22nd, 1924 — October 1st, 2018
They called him "The Frank Sinatra of France"... which I assume means he drank a lot and cheated on his wife.
The 88th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Sir David Attenborough will be on the guest in a few weeks. That's pretty cool, right? So, there's this inventor who likes to come on the Phile and tell us what he is working on. So far all his inventions are pretty lame but he swears he has some good ones this time. So, please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hello, Mak, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Mak: I'm terrific, Jason. How are you?
Me: I'm okay. Very tired though. So, what inventions have you been working on?
Mak: How about two-sided toilet paper?
Me: Ummm... toilet paper already has two sides technically, Mak.
Mak: Oh. True. Okay, how about a safe with wheels?
Me: Ummm... I don't see the point. Anything else?
Mak: Yeah, here's a good one... manually operated airbags.
Me: Mak, that seems rather dangerous.
Mak: Okay. What about odorant?
Me: Oderant? What the hell is oderant?
Mak: The opposite of deodorant of course.
Me: Ugh. Is that it? Please say yes.
Mak: Nope. How about a submarine windshield wiper?
Me: What the hell? No, man, that's lame.
Mak: Well, I have been talking to Planters about a new peanut butter.
Me: You have? What did you come up with?
Mak: Peanut free Peanut butter.
Me: What? Mak, I don't think they will go for it.
Mak: If not maybe Peter Pan or another brand will. I have one more invention I have been working on.
Me: Okay, make it good.
Mak: A pocket-watch that recorded the temperature of your pocket and announces it every thirty minutes.
Me: No, that's lame. Get out of here, and come back when you have better inventions. World'd greatest inventor, Mak Asterborus, everybody. World's worst more like.
And now for some...
Phact 1: There is a company in L.A. that provides attractive "cuddle specialists" to come over to your house and cuddle with you.
Phact 2. There is a species of a frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its blood stops flowing, and it cannot move. However, when spring arrives, the frog’s body thaws and the frog returns to normal life.
Phact 3. Japanese honey bees can "bake" and thus kill hive invading wasps, by having multiple bees form a ball around the invader and vibrating their wings to create heat.
Phact 4. Male pigs raised for pork are castrated before puberty in order to prevent naturally occurring substances from appearing in the meat that causes unpleasant odors when cooked, aka “boar taint."
Phact 5. The “sleep” (eye discharge) in your eyes when you wake up helps seal your eyes in an airtight fashion when they are closed; prevents tears from spilling onto your cheeks, and helps keep tears that coat your eyes from evaporating.
Today's pheatured guest is an American stand-up comedian, reality television host and actor whose Netflix special "Secret Time" is steaming now. Please welcome to the Phile... Bert Kreischer.
Me: Hey, Bert, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Bert: I'm good. Hi, Jason.
Me: Man, your profile pic reminds me of Smokey Bear. See?
Me Ha. So, I remember reading a story in Rolling Stone magazine about this party animal at UF. When I first heard about you I thought it was you, but you went to FSU. You did have a Rolling Stone article written about you though. How did that article change your life, Bert?
Bert: There are a few moments I have in my life where I'm like I think about that one moment often.
Me: What did you think when you first saw that article?
Bert: First of all that magazine dropped off at my door as my dad was on the phone with me and news crews were camped outside his house. He was like "what did you do?" I was still in my underwear, there was a knock only door and it was UPS and they gave me the Rolling Stone. This was how hung over I was, I opened it and I thought I was on the cover. It was Beck, but I thought it was me. I was like "where did they get that picture?" And then I go, "Dad, I think I'm in Rolling Stone." Then I sat down on our couch, we had green carpet, I remember dust particles were flying up the air, the sun was going through our windows and I read it and started tearing up. I'm not going lie, I was like oh my god, this might be a good article. By the way, I proceeded it as great. I loved it made me cry. I was like oh my god, I sound cool, I sound really cool. But my dad felt differently.
Me: How did your family take that article?
Bert: My dad was upset at first. My mom has always been like "oh, he's just being Bert. This is what we love about Be-Bopper." But my dad was not comfortable with it. He was like "how are you going to get a job? How are you going to do this?" On my 26th birthday my dad gave me a break off speech. He was like, "You're a piece of trash, you're garbage, you're not working hard, you're a loser, you're a party boy, I'm embarrassed. I've purgered myself in court because of you." The judge said, 'How's your son doing, Mr. Kreischer?'" And my dad said "fine." He got in the car and said, "I'd purgered myself and you're not doing fine!" Then my uncle and a few older men, friends of my dad, my uncle included, were like "you said you wanted to be a comedian. I think you need to pursue your dreams." They all talked to my dad and my dad was like, "Alright. Move to New York if this is what you want to do. I support you fully."
Me: Bert, I first heard of you when you were on "Conan" last year or so and you told the story about making friends with the Russian mafia. What did that story about you being "The Machine" do for your career as a stand-up?
Bert: It did a lot. What happened career wise is I told it for like six years. I thought everyone had heard it. I told it on my special on Showtime thinking that's it, I'm done telling it. Then I posted it on-line and it went viral. Literally. I remember the first day it had twenty thousand views and I was like that's not that bad. Then it had fifteen thousand shares. I was like that seems like a lot. Then the next time I looked at it it had three million views. I was like whoa, what's that. Then nine million views, then thirteen and then twenty. Then twenty-seven and then thirty, thirty-nine. Then people started grabbing it. It changed my life. The very next week I was in Jersey, I sold no tickets in Oxnard and I went to New Jersey and it sold out in a blizzard. All of a sudden everything changed, I sold out every single show for an entire year and I sold out every show since. It got me my Netflix special. I think.
Me: Bert, do you have friends who expect you to get drunk with them every night after a show?
Bert: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People expect. Someone once told me one time a quote that Keith Richards wrote. It was something like "people want the ego that they think they know." Or whatever. A lot of times I abide. I enjoy drinking, I really truthfully do. But I don't like driving the way people think I drink. I'm always shocked. People always being me a shot of vodka like I want to do a shot of vodka. I go, "No, I'm having a vodka and soda. Thank you. I'll take the shot and pour it into my next one." But like I just want to have a buzz, I just want to hang out. Then when I don't drink people are like "awe, come on, man." I'm just a regular human being.
Me: Is that tough to be that way?
Bert: It would be tough if I didn't drink at all. It would be like people gave marijuana to Doug Benson. A part of me likes it. I don't mind it.
Me: You should try to drink just dyed water or Jack Daniels bottles filled with apple juice. I'm allergic to apples so that'll kill me, but... Do you feel that you HAVE to do it?
Bert: I just own it. If I'm not drinking I let the people know I'm not drinking, If I'm drinking I let them know I'm drinking. I never tell people the opposite. And that comes in line with who I am on stage. I'm pretty honest on stage, and I'm an open book. So if I'm not drinking I'll tell them I'm trying for a triathlon or I'm training for a marathon or something. Which I know that sounds crazy but I've done the past two in the past three months.
Me: What about drugs? Do you get offered or do that kind of stuff?
Bert: I'm pretty across the board. I don't do cocaine anymore, I did it when I was younger. I smoke pot every now and then but more than one hit gives me a panic attack. I don't use Xanax even though I will take point two five milligrams if I'm getting on a flight and I don't wanna drink. I like drinking.
Me: Okay. So, do you like that people think you drink a lot?
Bert: It's not sexy that I drink. It's sexy that Keith Richards still parties. It's sexy and part of his appeal.
Me: Is it mostly guys who want to get drink with you?
Bert: I think it's mostly just bros with their shirts off who want to take a shot with me. When I say no they'd say fine, they'd just take it. Then they get drunk.
Me: On your new special on Netflix "Secret Time" you talk a lot about your wife and daughters. Does it feel different talking about them opposed to train robbery and partying material?
Bert: No, it feels the same. I can't help what I write, it's just what I'm experiencing and living.
Me: So, it wasn't a conscious decision?
Bert: No. No, not even remotely. It's just this is what I'm talking about. This is what's going on in my life. I have other stories that I have that are like crazy party stories that are out there and not gone as viral as "The Machine." One is me going to a live sex show in Amsterdam. I think it be sad if I was like "Did I tell you about the other time how I git involved with a biker gang?" People would be like "I got it, man. You're not growing up." The second I subscribe to what they think I am no longer that they think I am. I got to see what I am. Like Bill Burr just had a kid, I'm excited to see what he talks about fatherhood. No one wants to hear the same person rant the same hour over and over again.
Me: If someone else was voted Rolling Stone top partier in a university then robbed a train with the Russian mob, would you blame that person for being that guy for the rest of his life?
Bert: Let me tell you something, if I thought it could take me into the sunset I'd be up there very single night doing body shots. "Who wants to see me get watered?!" Trust me. You're talking to the man who still tells the Machine story in every show. Trust me. They call it out. I do an hour and fifteen minute show. I do an hour of new material because that's what keeps me interested and then I ask what story do they want to hear. Trust me. I definitely would do it. I would Andrew W.K. this to the end.
Me: Hahahaha. He was just on the Phile last week. When you talk about your family in your show do you use their real names?
Bert: I use real names across the board. I don't know another way to do it.
Me: How does your family feel about you taking about them in your show?
Bert: I had to have a conversation with my daughters. I was like, "Listen, so I don't know if I talked to you about this or not but dad has a special coming out." They were like, "We know." I was like, "Well, just to let you know I talk pretty honesty about you guys." They were like, "We know, mom talked to us about it." I was like, "No, no, no, I need to know that you know that I am really open by calling you guys morons." They were like, "Okay. We're fine." Then Isla, the youngest and the dumber of the two was like, "Wait. Like how are we morons?" And I was like, "Remember the time you had the shopping cart and you were hitting the people?" And she was like, "Oh, yeah, I remember that." I was like, "Remember the time the fly ball went over your head?" She was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's just..." And I was like, "No, just so you know that that's like moron behavior." They were laughing.
Me: I have to tell you when I saw you on "Conan" talking about them I did not think it was funny. Tell my readers what you said on that show, Bert.
Bert: I talked about them getting their periods. I had to show them the clip of me doing it on the show.
Me: And what did they think of that?
Bert: The only note they had, Georgia goes, "I actually had mine at night." I was like, "That's all you're going to say out of that? Me telling the world all about them transitioning into womenhood and the only correction was it wasn't in the morning, it was at night?" They said, "Yeah, it happened at night."
Me: Why do you think they are so cool with it?
Bert: Look, they don't know any other way. It's like if your mom ran a bar and you weren't bothered by people smoking indoors, that's obviously like something form the 70s, but it's like your mom ran a bar and the smell of stale beer didn't bother you. You'd be like, "That reminds me of home." I think that's just that's all they know.
Me: Are you worried how they're going to grow up, Bert?
Bert: Yeah, I definitely am, because its not about the stories about them. I think none of that registers with them. I don't think that's what concerns me and my wife. What bothers me, and this is something I generally didn't think about when I did anything ever in my career, was talking about any sex things with my wife, and then talking about my drug use. I'm terrified that they'd get to college and somebody will be like, "Your dad's Burt Kreischer?" They'd be like yeah, and it'll be like "Oh my god, did you ever read this article about him?" They'll see the Rolling Stone and it'll be like, "Did your dad really take acid and go to Disneyland? Did your dad really rob a train with the Russian mafia? Wait, wait, wait, did you ever hear the story about the first time your dad did coke and he saw his face in the line in the mirror and he saw his reflection and was like 'I'm a bad ass'?" I never thought about any of all the stuff I put out. I even talked about eating edibles on this new special and eating too many and I'm like god, their friends are gonna see that and like, "Dude, eat an edible, your dad eats them. Come on!" That's what bothers me.
Me: So, what do you do?
Bert: I guess be honest with them. When it comes to drugs, just take half.
Me: How do you explain the things you did, and your life in the past?
Bert: I talk to them very candidly. Marijuana is pretty prevalent in L.A. now, especially with kids. I was like, "Listen, marijuana is completely fine. If you want to smoke marijuana its complexly fine, but wait until your brain is done developing." That's something everyone should know. Wait until your brain is done developing, you don't to mess up your brain and start smoking weed at fourteen like I did, then wake up with panic attacks at forty-five. Because you got high when you were a child. When it comes to booze... legit you can die. When you have too much booze you can die. That is true. You don't know when you had too much, you're just doing shots, it's everclear, it's in a hunch punch, you don't ever feel it, the next thing you know you're throwing up. Those are legit. Then there's jokes ones like if your boyfriend ever wants to tape you and him having sex talk really loud during the entire production. Say things like, "It's so small. It smells weird. Are you gonna cry this time?" But that's the type of dad I am I guess.
Me: Hmmm. Bert, thanks for being on the Phile. I hope it was fun.
Bert: This has been a FANTASTIC interview. Thanks for interviewing me, Jason. Jason, that was a blast. Easily one of my favorite interviews I've done on this press tour.
Me: Thanks, Bert. Take care.
Man alive. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Bert Kreischer. The Phile will be back on Monday with Ray Parker Jr. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker
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