Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. As it's Sunday let's start with a story about Pope Francis, because people are calling on him to resign. Pope Francis' trip to the highly Catholic country of Ireland was supposed to be an exciting adventure in preaching to the choir, but much like your binge-watching "House of Cards," it was marred by a sexual abuse scandal. His trip to Dublin came just after clergymen were accused of sexual abuse all over the world: former D.C. cardinal Theodore McCarrick was reported to have abused children for decades, and Chile's Catholic bishops resigned en masse (no pun intended) over sex abuse cover-ups in their country. Things got personal for Pontifex when a former top-ranking Vatican official accused the pope of knowing the allegations against McCarrick for years and working to cover it up, calling on him to resign. The Pontiff joins such esteemed colleagues as Congressman Jim Jordan and U.S.A. Gymnastics in failing to act on reports of sexual abuse. To add insult to injury, Pope Francis' massive mass party had a Trump inauguration level crowd size. Remember when Pope Francis was supposed to be the "Cool Pope"? Jesus Christ.
Speaking of pedophilia, professional piece of shit Milo Yiannopolous (who lost his book deal defending people who have sex with little boys) is whining that his life sucks. Milo, who was banned from Twitter after launching a racist and misogynistic harassment campaign aimed at Leslie Jones, has only Facebook as a medium on which to spread hate speech, and whine about the lack of respect he gets from fellow bigots these days. In a comment on Facebook, The Hatest Showman kvetched, "I was a significant factor in Donald Trump getting elected, for which I have received zero credit, almost single handedly ignited the current debate about free speech on campus and NO ONE has ever matched my ability to draw attention to these issues. For my trouble, I have lost everything standing up for the truth in America, spent all my savings, destroyed all my friendships, and ruined my whole life." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SUCKS TO SUCK, SUCKER! After crying over how he doesn't get any credit for getting Trump elected, he proceeds to call his followers "you entitled fucking babies," which is truly some delicious irony.
Ariana Grande was one of the accomplished vocalists who honored Aretha Franklin in a star-studded seven-hour funeral on Friday. She performed one of the Queen of Soul's signature songs, "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman," but something besides her performance grabbed people's attention... and raised many disapproving eyebrows. Bishop Charles Ellis drew the Internet's ire after seemingly groping Ariana. While introducing her at the podium, he held her very high on the waist and squeezed his fingers around the side of her chest. He later apologized, telling the Associated Press, "It would never be my intention to touch any woman's breast. Maybe I crossed the border, maybe I was too friendly or familiar. But again, I apologize." He claimed to have hugged all the artists present, male and female, but onlookers weren't buying it. They said the physical contact was clearly inappropriate, and that Ariana appeared uncomfortable with it. Many pointed out that focusing on the length of Ariana's dress, which some deemed too short for the formal occasion, is symptomatic of the misogyny that enables sexual assault. The bishop also apologized for a distasteful "joke" he made about the singer's name: "When I saw Ariana Grande on the program, I thought that was a new something at Taco Bell." Okay... that's funny, but wen I met her at work a few years ago I told her her names sounds like a drink from Starbucks. I think my joke was better. Anyway... despite enduring such foolery... and at a funeral, no less... Ariana persevered and delivered a moving rendition of "Natural Woman." And in happier news, her latest album "Sweetener" set a Spotify streaming record.
A "mystery" woman who was seen knocking on doors and ringing doorbells in the middle of the night in Montgomery, Texas on August 24th has been identified and is "safe with family members," Buzzfeed reports. A search for the woman was underway after a Facebook post was shared by the Montgomery Country Sheriff's Office last week. In the deeply upsetting video, the woman has no pants on, seems very distressed and appears to be wearing restraints on both wrists. She was reported to have been knocking on doors and ringing doorbells around 3 a.m., but then "vanished." Officers reportedly launched a "door to door" investigation, asking residents of the small town for information. But no one recognized her and she didn't match any missing persons report. On Wednesday, Montgomery County Lt. Scott Spencer told reporters that the woman "has been identified and is safe." She was reportedly the victim of an "abusive" boyfriend, who has apparently since died by suicide, according to this report: I hope this woman makes a full recovery from this horrific-sounding ordeal.
Aziz Ansari and Kanye West. Eminem and Elton John. Dennis Rodman and North Korea. These are a few of the unlikely friendships we've been #blessed enough to see blossom in our era. But one in particular is nearest and dearest to our heart, and it's one that no one saw coming... George W. Bush and Michelle Obama. These two have a rapport that transcends party lines and subverts people's expectations. George W. has explained their bond before, claiming Michelle understands his sense of humor which immediately put him at ease around her. At John McCain's funeral, the two shared a moment of levity that the Internet declared an essential part of their Friendship Canon.
But like... who wouldn't watch that show? A bipartisan, intergenerational, interracial friendship? Someone get CBS on the phone. George W. and Michelle's friendship is giving people the life they need in this time of political division and fear. I swear I'm not crying. My eyes are just sweating. It's August! It's hot!! Stop looking at me!!!
Okay, it's Sunday, and some church signs wage the war on "Christian" bigots.
Tables not fences is what Jesus is all about. Haha. You know, if you look at some texts from baby boomers you'll see that the technology struggle is real. Occasionally, their enthusiasm is overwhelming.
What does the "C" in "XC" stand for? "Text me back immediately, or your Christmas cash is revoked!"? Remember the game Connect 4? Well, there's a brand new version of it out...
Ha. They tell me I could see some weird sites at Walmart, and I never believe them until...
That's a Mindphuck. So, I was thinking of getting a new tattoo but someone else had my idea...
Hmmm... You know Thanos from Infinity War, right? Well, did you know he was gonna have a different look. I'll show you...
I like it. Guy Thanos. If I had a TARDIS I would like to go back in time and meet John Lennon and Paul McCartney. But knowing my luck I wouldn't like to go near them because LENNON HAS A GIANT PARROT ON HIS SHOULDER! Ugh!
So, do you know something that makes me laugh? Old people wearing inappropriate t-shirts.
Hahahaha. I know it's hot out there so I'd like to show you a cheap thing to help you stay cool during the hottest damn summer ever. Keep your dog, cat or ferret cool as a cucumber with this Pet Cooling Mat...
If you’re hot, then your pets are hot, too. That’s just science. Show your pet how much you love him or her by picking up this cool pet mat. Buy it on Amazon for $5. Okay, so, one thing about the Internet that is great is you can look at porn so easily and for free. But for blog writers like me that is not as good, because I'd like you to be entertained and not get bored, and go click on porn. So then I thought if I showed a porn pic here that might quench your thirst. The problem with that though is what about if you are at work, or school or in front of your wife. So, my friends, I came up with a solution...
You. Are. Welcome. So, do you know what is the best? I will tell you...
It's hard to believe that the tiny termite is responsible for a great deal of our global warming problem on the planet. Termites fart more than any other animal, which produces methane gas. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, "Global emissions of methane due to termites are estimated to be between 2 and 22 Tg per year, making them the second largest natural source of methane emissions. Methane is produced in termites as part of their normal digestive process, and the amount generated varies among different species."
Haha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, occasionally there's this comedian who comes onto the Phile to tell his jokes. The problem is he doesn't really tell jokes, but he thinks he is. Anyway, he said he had a few more to tell so I invited him back again to give it another try. So, please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hey, Ollie, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?
Ollie: I'm good, Jason, thanks for having me back.
Me: You're welcome. Okay, let's hear your jokes.
Ollie: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
Me: Ummm... I'm afraid to ask. How many?
Ollie: Two, one to change it and the other to hold the ladder so the first man won't fall and hurt himself.
Me: That's dumb, but I'm glad that was the answer. Next?
Ollie: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
Me: I don't know.
Ollie: I don't know either, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
Me: I actually almost chuckled at that one. Any more?
Ollie: Why do black people eat fried chicken?
Me: Ugh. I don't want emails complaining about the racist joke. Why, Ollie?
Ollie: Because it tastes good.
Me: Sheesh. Okay, one more. Make it good.
Ollie: A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
Me: Ha. That was okay. Good job I guess. Come back again with some more. Ollie Tabooger, the guy who doesn't know how to tell a joke, everybody.
People who appreciate dark humor are more likely to have higher levels of intelligence.
Ummm... I think I get it.
During the latest installment of what is the president talking about, Trump drafted an eloquently rambling tweet about the evils of the crooked mainstream media, and more specifically, the propagation of "fake books" a delicious word salad few had considered before.
In my imagination, this was fleshed out between hearty sips of Diet Coke. Now, to those of us (un)healthily obsessed with the demise of America via Trump, this is a pretty obvious subtweet towards some of the recent tell-alls detailing the White House going-ons. Unsurprisingly, Trump has yet to clarify or make any true sense of his own tweet. Why would he?! At least he's given the world another meme before we all die from lack of healthcare, you gotta count your blessings.
The 86th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Freddy will be the guest on the Phile next Monday.
Phact 1. Crinoid fossils, a prehistoric form of marine animal life, have been found on the peak of Mount Everest, thusly demonstrating that over millions of years, as a result of the tectonic movement, the seabed has ultimately been forced up to the highest peaks on earth.
Phact 2. The Soviet cosmonauts celebrated the moon landing in 1969 “with joy and vodka."
Phact 3. In Michigan, you are never more than 6 miles from a natural water source. This is due to Michigan’s nearly 65,000 inland lakes and ponds. You are also never more than 85 miles from one of the Great Lakes.
Phact 4. In 2009, Pepsi started marketing itself as Pecsi in Argentina in response to its name being mispronounced by 25% of the population and as a way to connect more with all of the population.
Phact 5. Fatal Familial Insomnia is an inherited brain disease that eventually causes one to be incapable of sleep. It has no known cure. It involves progressively worsening insomnia, which leads to hallucinations, confusional states like that of dementia, and eventually, death.
Today's guest is a Chapman Stick player whose albums "A Whisper in the Thunder," "Sketchbook," and "Waking the Day" are available on iTunes. Please wekcome to the Phile... Tom Griesgraber.
Me: Hey, Tom, welcome to the Phile, sir. How are you?
Tom: I'm great, Jason, thanks for having me.
Me: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question I'm sure everyone asks you... you are a Chapman Stick player... what the hell is a Chapman Stick?
Tom: Well, I'll try and give you a condensed version. A Chapman Stick refers to a man named Emmett Chapman who back in 1969... I just did a show with him... and he corrected me on the date, August 26th, 1969 I think I got it right now, he was playing his own homemade guitar which already had nine strings on it because he was into all kinds of things, realized he could play with both hands tapping on strings. They've been people before him who've done some tapping but he is the first person we know of who plays with a full technique with both hands where both hands are equal partners, and the fingers are perpendicular to the strings. He started playing his homemade guitar that way and started working on an idea. By 1974 he had his first production run of Chapman Stick and to this date he's still selling them out of his home in L.A. It's a family business, they've got two garages going. He corrected me, I was introducing him on stage recently and I was telling the audience he made about 6,000 and he stopped me and said, "No, it's over 7300 now." That's a lot of anything to come out of a garage.
Me: So, how can you describe this thing?
Tom: The shortest physical description I can give it is the model I play is twelve strings. Six guitar strings and six bass strings. It's not in guitar and bass tuning, the guitar side is close to a guitar tuning but all the strings are four notes apart, from low to high. The bass strings also go from low to high, and they start with a low B, like a five string electric bass. They come up with five notes apart. There's two different tunings in each hand, both going low to high from the middle. The end result is you're playing notes with both hands, sort of how a piano player would, but the sound is more of a combination of guitar and bass, or even two guitars and bass.
Me: So, your right and would play the guitar and the left the bass?
Tom: Typically, yes. There's no rules about it so sometimes you could switch sides for certain musical reasons, but that's usually the default position. The bass tuning makes you play a little bass note in the range of a bass player, say with your index finger, but the other fingers of you hand can play some cordial notes, more like a guitar. Then the right hand is still completely free to do melodies and other chords. Each set has its own pick-up and its own output so they could be processed separately so you have a lead guitar sound in your right and while more of a clear bass sound in your left hand. Then on my particular model I had him out in a mini pick-up as well on the right hand, so I have a third output that could do anything a synthesizer keyboard could do.
Me: Hmmm... So, the deeper notes are in the middle, am I right?
Tom: Correct.
Me: For both hands?
Tom: I don't know for both hands. I'm not aware of any other instrument that has this tuning. He has created something unusual.
Me: I agree. What do you think was the mindset behind it? Do you know?
Tom: To do a blank slate for music where normally on a guitar there's two strings that are tuned differently than all the others that gives some extra possibilities but also some handicaps. With this tuning it's more like an open musical slate where you're not as dependent what key you're in. You can calm a little more free musically. But as I said the right hand tuning is set up for better melodies and the bass a little better for accompaniment. Yet there is a relationship because, let me get musically nerdy for a second, those two intervals of fourth and fifth are actually inversions of each other. What that means is the shape of a right hand goes say C, up to E, up to G. On the left hand that same exact shape would go C, down to E, down to G. But the physical shapes remain the same.
Me: How did you get your mind around this instrument and learn to play it? Sounds way too complicated. Haha.
Tom: It's interesting, on piano you play different shapes really. You have the benefits of the notes always being the same. The physical look of it on piano is always a C. On guitar, bass or Stick, it's all over the place. It's sort of have to memorize where C is. But the shapes are exactly the same. The shape of a major chord, like a C major chord os the same as F major chord, and the G major chord. You have to know where your starting note is.
Me: Is this a fretted instrument?
Tom: Correct.
Me: So, when you pay a show what do the audiences think of it?
Tom: It's interesting, because if they are not used to it, the audience will come up with all kind of funny theories and questions for me on how it works. They've never seen anything like it usually. A lot of people say it looks like a strange guitar or bass but I'm playing notes with both hands. I had people come up and ask me, "Is there a current going through all the frets?"I'm like, "No, I'll be getting shocked." Haha.
Me: So, how does this thing make music, or sound?
Tom: The real secret to the tapping Emmett discovered is having the strings low to the board as you can so it doesn't take much strength to press them down, and then what happens when the strings hits the fret it physically vibrates, smacking into the fret. You can amplify that and away you go.
Me: How many frets are on the instrument?
Tom: It's two octaves from the length of the neck.
Me: I assume it's wood on the backside, right?
Tom: Yes. He makes them out of different things like he's fascinated by making them out of aluminum. He still makes wood instruments and that's still my choice.
Me: What's the sustain of it? It looks like a giant guitar neck...
Tom: The sustain is just the sustain of the natural string hitting the fret but again it's got more sustain than a typical electric guitar, or bass, and I think that comes again from this really low action and this sort of light touch. The strings are probably a little bit looser too because it has the length of the bass but a lot of the strings are guitar strings, so they are a little looser in a way.
Me: Is there another instrument you play, Tom?
Tom: I have a Moat guitar which they made for a brief period. It'a a great instrument and I love playing it on recordings and stuff.
Me: Do you ever use a pick or do finger picking with the Stick?
Tom: A little bit, but it's almost like the inverse of the way a guitar player would tap. A guitar player might spend all his time picking, and then tap for a different effect. It's the same on Stick where you spend all the time tapping and then pick for a different effect. So, I absolutely do it sometimes and I think it's one of those things where I bring to the instrument that a lot of players don't, I'm always looking for ways to embellish it and kind of make it not sound like the Stick. I've done a little but with a pick and really one thing jumps to mind, I played a lot with guy named Bert Lams who plays with the California Guitar Trio, and we occasionally do a cover of his groups pieces. The arrangement with the two of us basically is he played with his normal part of the trio and I have to cover the other two parts of the missing guys on the Stick. We would come to the end of the piece of his called "Train to Lamy," and it just happens they play their guitars tuned in fifths, so their chord voicing's match up well with the bass side of the Stick. But he needed a basic arpeggios pattern for the end of the song and I was finger picking it and he said, "It's not right, it's not right, it's not right." Finally I grabbed a guitar pick and began picking on the Stick and he was like, yeah, that's it. Ha ha.
Me: You first started to play a normal six-string guitar, right?
Tom: Sure.
Me: What was your background there, Tom?
Tom: Well, the real music background is I started on piano as a kid. I took about six years classical piano and I kind switched from that and got into music. That sort of started with my mom really, but got into on my own in high school I guess. I fell right into hard rock and metal guitar. I just loved the sound and realized in that music that guitar is everything, forget about everybody else in the band. The guitarist is right in the face. I started looking at where to go for college and I had a guitar teacher who suggested Berklee. They do a program in L.A. every summer and I went to that and quickly got my butt kicked because I have really been playing guitar by ear, even though I had note reading and stuff on piano, I haven't even attempted in on guitar. So, I wound up coming home and realizing I had to get my stuff in order if I was going to music school and started studying classical guitar for a couple of years. I then transitioned from there getting into jazz and studying with Berklee alumni. I did transfer to Berklee and graduate from there, and spent another year going to San Diego State working on a masters on music there wit their jazz program. I figured I would take a year off from the masters program to practice and figure out what I really wanted to do. That's actually where I stumbled into the Stick.
Me: "Stumbled into the Stick" sounds dirty. Haha. What was it like when you transitioned to the Stick?
Tom: I felt like there was three hurdles I had to deal with. One of them was getting my right hand to play notes because it was used to just picking. The geography of the right hand that's the side of the tuning fork so it's close enough to the guitar so I kind of knew where the notes were. The second was the left hand was in this new reverse fifth standing so I had to figure out where everything was over there. The third hurdle is what every Stick player never fully conquers how independent I can make my two hands. How far part can I really pull and give that two parts as one thing.
Me: If you sing at the same time your head would explode I think. Haha. have you tried that?
Tom: I've dabbled with that one, but haven't really been brave enough to step into it yet.
Me: When you play a regular guitar now does it feel really tiny?
Tom: No, not at all. I mean it's just a different thing. It's funny, when I first got serious about the Stick there was a scary moment about a year in. I had this period where I was practicing about twenty hours a week before I could play an hours worth of material on it. During that time I wasn't playing guitar hardly at all and my guitar skulls were going down hill. Stick was starting to get going and there was this moment where I couldn't do much of anything on anything. Both of my parents were asking me what am I doing with my life. These days with having got comfortable with Stick over the years I'm playing guitar now more than I have for many years and I think their pretty equal footing now. It's great, I do a lot of recording for other people and I could be anything from the producer to the engineer, session musician to whatever needs happen. If there asking me to play something on it then I make equal use of guitar, bass and Stick and it's just a question of I'm listening to the music and figuring out what's really going to fit. There's a lot of things that guitar can do that Stick can't.
Me: Do you ever feel pain in your hands after playing the Stick?
Tom: No. Because again the action is so low. It's easy, and I've done some gigs that make guitar players head spin around. For years I played at the San Diego County Fair every Saturday, it runs for about a month. They usually book me for a show once a day. There was one year which was my all time Olympic record for longevity where they had me booked as a solo show and a group show, so two shows a day. They had acrobats that were supposed to come from China but couldn't get their Visas sorted out. They were supposed to do two shows a day but suddenly couldn't, the Fair came to me and said I was already there every day, could I help them fill all those gaps. It was such a good run, always is for CD sales, so I just took everything they had and it wound up for a month I was playing every day at least six hours on stage. I had a few ten hour days. Hahaha.
Me: So, what type of music do you play, Tom?
Tom: Honestly if you start to put it into a genre I like to think it borrows from a couple of them. That's partially the nature of the instrument, it's a new enough thing. I will say my main interest in music has always been writing, and one of the things that drew me to the Stick was that it felt like lesser explored terrain for writing. I just try to find things that are musically interesting to me, that could borrow from a progressive rock rhythm, a jazz core progression, to a simple folk melody to pop and rock and kind of borrowing from all those things. My real goal is to do things that sound fresh to me and yet I'm not trying to be bowling people over just with technique, I'm more interested in trying to tell a story through music and just do something that's a little new, a little different.
Me: That's so cool. Well, I play kazoo and that's a lot easier than what you play, Tom. Thanks so much for being on the Phile and teaching us about a new instrument. Go ahead and plug your website and please come back on the Phile again soon. I hope it was fun.
Tom: Thanks, Jason. It was fun.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Tom Griesgraber for a good interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with the great Glenn Hughes from Black Country Communion. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker
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