Who Gives A Shit? '08

The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! I am sorry, I am just excited that the New York Giants are going to the Super Bowl thanks to NY Tymes. Welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog, coming to you from overcast Groveland, Florida Here in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican primary. They’ve got one week to make sure the voting machines don’t work. The government announced that some voters will be allowed to vote online. That’s going to be a tough choice: democracy or porn . . . democracy or porn. Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama were really going at one another Monday night. John Edwards looked like the moderator on “Family Feud.” During the argument, security guards had to be brought in, and you could hear Hillary Clinton screaming, “Don’t Tase me, bro!” Barack's new campiagn slogan is now Bros Before Hoes. Fred Thompson has dropped out of the race. He spent all day packing the bags under his eyes. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Fred Thompson was in the race?” John McCain’s team is heading to Florida to get ready for the primary. Hillary Clinton’s team is going there so they can get an early start for Bill on Spring Break. Oliver Stone is going to make a movie about our current president. It’s going to called “Bush.” I think I saw that already. I saw it in a hotel room accidentally. Six times. Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Fla. They had a big Martin Luther King Day parade there. Even though he didn’t fit in at all, he made himself at home. In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people. Bill Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary, and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he’s exhausted. How about that Mitt Romney? Republicans say that he may be too good-looking to be running. He looks like a closer at a Cadillac dealership. He looks like he should be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. He looks like the stock photo that comes with the frame. And finally, archaeologists have discovered a 100,000-year-old skull. C’mon! Can you believe that? It looks like me after a day at work.

THE PEVERETT PHILE'S TOP TEN LIST

Top Ten Slogans For the New Driverless Car

10. "You're In Good Hands With...Oh, Actually, Allstate Won't Insure This Car. Sorry"
9. "We're A Lawsuit Waiting To Happen"
8.  "Car, Where's My Dude?"
7. "We Stand Behind Our New Driverless Cars"
6. "Hasselhoff Sold Separately"
5. "What Could Go Wrong?"
4. "Spears Tested, Spears Approved"
3. "From The Same Folks Who Brought You The 'Electric Shower Cap'"
2. "It's Safer Than Billy Joel"
1. "Look Out!"

R.I.P.
 
John Stewart: There's people out there turning you into gold, buddy.
Suzanne Pleshette: Did they really expect us to believe that someone this hot would be married to Bob Newhart? Yeah, right.
Bobby Fischer: Looks like checkmate, you fucking psycho.
Heath Ledger: Talk about a real DARK NIGHT.

JANUARY 24TH IN HISTORY

41
Roman emperor Caligula is assassinated by his bodyguards.
1908
The first Boy Scout troop is organized in England by its founder, Robert Baden-Powell. He enjoyed watching the boys swim naked, and as a hobby he collected photographs of them.
1978
The nuclear-powered Soviet Cosmos 954 satellite plunges through Earth's atmosphere and disintegrates, scattering radioactive debris over parts of Canada's Northwest Territories. Much of the satellite lands in the Great Slave Lake; only about 1% of the radioactive material is recovered.
1986
Crackpot and founder of the fraudulent Scientology movement, L. Ron Hubbard dies. His bad science fiction writing has grown alarmly prolific in the years since his death.
1989
Ted Bundy put to death in the Electric Chair for the murder of Kimberly Leach, after ten years trying to appeal. Here is a post-mortem picture of the burns on Bundy's head.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

This is the same phile as 'Florida Is Ass Backwards' with a brand new name! A Volusia County nursing home resident who was found with maggots in one of his eyes, an infected breathing tube, a partially inserted cathater and bed sores has died, according to his family. Anthony Digiannurio, of Deltona, was 82 years old when he was transported in November from the University Center West nursing home to Florida Hospital DeLand, where staff members discovered the ailments. It is not known if the cause of death was related to the aforementioned conditions. According to a DeLand police report released in November, a representative from University Center West said that the man had constant care from multiple hospice workers and two certified nursing aides at the nursing home. Officials from the state Department of Children and Families were investigating the incident. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has found 19 deficiencies at the facility since June 2006.

MOVIES THAT LIED TO US

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
What it Led Us to Believe: 1) That if we ate enough chocolate, we'd not only get to see how chocolate is made (by happy singing slaves in a wonderland of make-believe), but we'd become KING OF CHOCOLATE. 2) Only dumb slobs and spoiled brats have to work regular jobs; if you're really a good kid, you'll end up with the job of your dreams. If you don't...well, apparently you're just not a very good kid.
3) But the most important message? Take candy from strange men. The Cold, Hard Truth: Willy Wonka would have long ago been run out of business and imprisoned, if not for sweat shop practices or scaring the shit out of a boat full of kids with footage of a dead chicken, then at the very least for the hygienic complications of letting a fat kid wallow around in the chocolate reservoir. Another Cold, Hard Truth? There is no such thing as a chocolate reservoir. The candy you eat is made of chemicals with names like Maltodextrin and Calcium Stearate that ooze out of gray plastic tubes and get handled by listless workers who despise you for being middle class. Eat enough of it and all you get is fat. "Fun Size" indeed. Even the real-world attempt at producing Willy Wonka-brand candy has resulted in nothing more promising than Nerds, Spree, and an "Everlasting Gobstopper" that lasts about eight minutes. Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film: Little people enjoy working long hours for no pay, and most of them have candy on their person. An unnatural aversion to film of chickens being decapitated. Lick enough wallpaper and you'll eventually find the Snozzberry.

NUTTED BY REALITY

In the end, "The Amazing Race 12" came down to the final Roadblock task. And ultimately, while there was tension as the teams tried to complete it and then raced to their final series of clues, the presence of three likable teams in the final leg meant that any outcome would have been satisfactory, and that the final leg would be pretty much without significant drama. “This is so unfair!” Jen cried in a flashback at the beginning of the episode. I agree: Why do I have to listen to her again even though she’s been eliminated? Sentences that did not end in references to pot, but would have been funnier if they did: “I really think every team as its way to be successful, and for us, it’s definitely…,” TK said. “It’s been proven time and time again how important it is for TK and I to…,” Rachel said. When the teams read “Ship Creek Boat Launch” on their clue, it sounded like they all said “Shit Creek Boat Launch.” And the creek definitely looked like a place that should be called Shit Creek. Has Phil always been a corny wordsmith, or is he just being a lot more cheesy these days? “Teams without fast hands could find themselves in a pinch,” he said of a crab-related challenge. “Just get out of my way; I am not very good with knives,” Ron told Christina as he filleted a fish. Seconds later she shrieked, but she did not get stabbed; instead, she found the clue among the fish’s guts. Nick and Don screwed up, forgetting to pick up a bag of gear when they picked up their clue, and they had one of their first real fights. “Your hindsight is always 20/20,” Nick said. “You read the clue but you didn’t understand it, so we’re [fucked?],” his grandfather said. “We’ve come a long way since leg one,” Christina said. Perhaps, but now you owe us all $150/hour for having to listen to you describe your relationship problems all season. Speaking of tension, TK became animated for the first time all season and started berating a cab driver. “Can we go there fast?” TK asked, aggressively. “My god, are you kidding me? We need another taxi, or we need to get there.” Twenty-three minutes into the episode, the interviews with Ron and Christina showed them both with beaming, bright smiles, and since those are obviously taped at the end of each leg, their win seemed eminent. But no! They were just happy losers. “I’d be there for a fucking year,” Don said of the final Roadblock, expressing what I was thinking exactly. It was one of those reality show challenges I find impossible even while watching from my couch, and I’m not stressing out, trying to win $1 million. One member of each team had to select one object from each leg of the race and place it on a platform, but using certain criteria. Thus, I can’t make fun of Christina, Rachel, or Nicolas for their missteps, and that they all finished was impressive enough. Whoever writes the clues really needs to get over their unnecessary capitalization habit and exclamation point fetish. The final clue read, “This is it!!! Take a taxi to Girdwood Airport and run to the Finish Line. Hurry!!!! GO, GO, GO!!!!!” I’m sure the teams wouldn’t have run fast if it hadn’t been for those exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “We won’t be disappointed if we come in second. I learned a lot, you know, how to become a better person,” Ron said. Well, congrats on that, because second place it was. Alaska’s a beautiful place, but the best locatin the producers could find for the finish line was a dirt airport covered with weeds? Seriously? TK and Rachel landed on the mat first, and TK said, “None of this even seems real. It’s kinda freaking me out.” Oh, TK, you make this too easy. Anyway, their win is terrific, as a win by a low-key, non-confrontational team is long overdue.

IDIOT'S LANTERN

John Ritter's widow Amy Yasbeck is suing two doctors who treated her husband before his death in 2003. She is suing for the potential earnings of the show he starred in before his death, "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter". I'm kind of ambivalent regarding this lawsuit. On one hand, the death of a loved one is always a tough time and my heart always goes out to anybody who lost someone special in their lives. On the other hand, we have too many frivolous lawsuits in this country and suing a couple of doctors isn't going to bring John Ritter back. Doctors are human and make mistakes. John Ritter had a congenital heart defect that multiple doctors missed. This lawsuit will only drive up everybody's health insurance costs. The Ritter family has already received $14 million in settlements, including $9 million from the hospital in which he died. At the risk of sounding heartless, I think it's time for Mrs. Ritter to let go.

GEEK TALK

In the midst of all the speculation regarding the big-screen version of Watchmen, the musical score probably wasn't all that high on the list -- but it can be just as important. As any moviegoer knows, sometimes the music can make or break a movie (for a good example of how music can ruin a flick, look no further than The Perfect Storm or The Last Samurai). ComingSoon.net is reporting that Tyler Bates has been signed to compose the score for the film. As any fan-boy can tell you, Watchmen is Zack Snyder's adaptation of Alan Moore and David Gibbons classic graphic novel. The story is set in a fictional New York in the 80s where "masked vigilantes" have affected the events of everything from the Vietnam War to Watergate. Over the last year, the rumors flew fast and furious about the cast until Malin Akerman, Billy Crudup, Matthew Goode, Jackie Earle Haley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Patrick Wilson were all officially announced. Tyler Bates started his career back in 1993, when he wrote the music for a sci-fi B-movie called Blue Flame. By 1997, he had already released his own album with his band Pet, but the album failed to become a hit and he has been in the movie business ever since. Bates has a long standing relationship with director Zack Snyder, having done the score for 300 and Dawn of the Dead. Snyder was quoted as saying that Baker's Bates' score for 300, "...moves the film into mythology cauterizing the images as you view them, making them something they could never be alone." So, I guess he is looking for the same kind of magic for the equally mythic story of Watchmen.

MOVIE BUZZ

Cloverfield 2
Matt Reeves is already giddy with excitement talking about sequel possibilities, including an idea to make another film of the same monster attack from the POV of another NYC resident. Let's hope that the next victim owns a tripod.
Bush
Controversial liberal director Oliver Stone says his upcoming biopic of George W. Bush starring Josh Brolin as the Commander-in-Chief will answer the question, "How did Bush go from an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?" Easy! Get Javier Bardem to co-star as Karl Rove and have him threaten folks with a cattle gun to vote for Dubya.
Star Trek
The first teaser trailer is online, as well as a new viral site where you have to adjust different video screens to watch shipbuilders welding the Enterprise together. It's nice to know that even in the future, surveillance cameras are still blurry and useless.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
There's a first batch of promo photos from the upcoming sequel, in which we get pictures of a lion, dwarves and guys in funny outfits performing acrobatics. Imagine, putting together a movie and a Cirque du Soleil show at the same time!
By Any Means Necessary
Now that Ben Affleck is a hot director, Ryan Gosling is expected to take over the role of Jack Ryan in a new film based on Tom Clancy's spy guy. So if Gosling's going to take Ben's sloppy seconds, is he gonna have to date J. Lo at some point, too?
The Incredible Hulk
William Hurt, who's co-starring as Gen. Thunderbolt Ross, spilled the beans that he did in fact film a crossover scene with Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. Looks like the jolly green giant and ol' shellhead have to team up to fight a new villain: the dreaded Spoiler!
Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?
The film clip shows Super Size Me director Morgan Spurlock's getting advice on what to do if he gets kidnapped by the Taliban while searching for the notorious terror mastermind. Suddenly, sitting at home eating hamburgers all day long doesn't sound like such a bad idea, now does it?
Watchmen
Director Zack Snyder has posted two storyboard pages that translates his vision for the film into juvenile chicken scratches. If I knew crude drawings like that could be the basis for a multi-million dollar film, I wouldn't have thrown out the handmade comics I drew on construction paper when I was in grade school.
What Happens in Vegas
Ashton Kutcher really has it rough in the trailer. He has to pretend to be in a happy marriage with Cameron Diaz in order to be awarded $3 million. Like that's really difficult. Having to pretend to be married to Rosie O'Donnell? Now that would be a challenge.
Choke
Director Clark Gregg introduces the clip featuring star Sam Rockwell picking up chicks at a sex-addict meeting. Now that would be a fun role to do research for.
Sleepwalking
In the trailer, AnnaSophia Robb stars as a teenager traumatized by her flighty mother, Charlize Theron. What's the kid complaining about? She could have had it a whole lot worse. She could have been raised by Aileen Wuornos, Charlize's character from Monster.

Yeah, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Tomorrow I am going to FX '08, the sci-fi convention, so I will posting a blog and hopefully pics on the Phile's Myspace site (Myspace.com/peverettphile.). Until next week, spread the word, not the turd.