The Rose Of England

Taking nothing but his daddy's old bone-grip knife. He traded but a little for the wayward life. Faint heart never won fair hand, So says the Rose of England. From high on a hill came the clarion call, to win young men, come one, come all. Make muster 'gainst the foreign hand that's raised to the Rose of England. For her feckless boys she did weep and wail. Crying, Lord have mercy where did I fail? Out of my belly and the pick up a gun and fall for the Rose of England. God knows it's cold outside, it's a fire by day and a freeze at night. I know it's a hell out there. How loud the mouth when the heart don't care. He's damned if he don't, he's damned if he do. He'd die if he ever found out we knew. Hot potato, drop it and run, far from the Rose of England.

Hello, welcome to the Phile once again for this the 16th of February. Tomorrow is my grandmother Rose's 95th birthday. Ninety-five years old the woman will be. My mother used to say that Nanny Rose will out live everybody and so far she's right. She outlived both her husband, both her daughters and son-in-law. Anyway, the last time is her was in '02, and she was as spunky as ever. She taught me once to live life to its fullest, and I am trying to do so. God bless her. Well, did you hear that The Walt Disney Company is trading ABC Sportcaster Al Michaels to NBC Universal in exchange for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit? Oswald was the first character created by Walt Disney in 1927 but Universal Pictures held the rights to the character. Saddened by the loss of the rights to the Oswald character, Disney created a new character: Mickey Mouse. In related news Disney is trading me for Huckleberry Hound. I didn't know they once owned Huckleberry Hound, and apparently they would rather have that dog then me. Well, good news today. so far Dick Cheney has not shot anybody. This is what everybody is talking about. Last weekend Dick Cheney and some of his buddies went out hunting, drinking and goofing around and the next thing you know he guns down a buddy of his. And I'm thinking if this story gets any bigger, sooner or later they'll have to tell the President. After this story, it turns out Dick Cheney didn't have a licence to hunt. And coincidentally, we didn't have a licence to go into Iraq. the real question now is this a one time thing or will the Vice President try to kill again? Well, I hope you folks had a lovely Valentine's Day. Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow. This past week, here in Orlando Walt Disney World held the National Cheerleading competition? In New York City at the same time was the Westminister Dog Show. Both had bitches doing their thing. Well, let's get on with the blog, shall we?

LAST WEEKEND  

Last Saturday myself, Jen and Logan (my wife and son) and Jen's niece Spring went to see the Orlando Predators arean football team take on Jon Bon Jovi's Philadelphia Soul. It was a fun time, and Orlando beat Philly. Anyway, during half time there was a Hard Core Wrestling Match between the Monsters In The Morning's Drunky The Bear and Tuddle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BUSHISMS  

As Monday is President's Day, I thought it'll be fun to put some of George Bush's famous idiotic quotes on the blog. So, here we go, the wit and sometimes elusive wit of George W. Bush. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." "I believe we are called to do the hard work to make our communities and quality of life a better place." "As a matter of fact, I know relations between our governments is good." "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." "The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it." "You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." "We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow." "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." "Part of the facts is understanding we have a problem, and part of the facts is what you're going to do about it." "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" "I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy." "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."  

 

MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU  

Star Wars: The Empire Brokeback A special Valentine's Day treat: presenting, "Star Wars: The Empire Brokeback". The greatest love story never told. A parody of the "Brokeback Mountain" trailer, starring C-3PO and R2-D2. Enjoy.  

SHARPENING AXES  

In the last entry of the Phile, I told you the secret of the Best Buy numbers. This entry, I will give you the secret of a good recipe. Beer BatteredDeep Fried Pepperoni Pizza. Yes. Yes. Now I don't make a practice of patting myself on the back too often, but come on. This is pretty darn cool. We got pizza on Friday, because well it's Friday. By Sunday there were just a couple slices left and my mind was starting to wander. What to do to keep old pizza fun to eat? Deep Fry it. But not just any frying will do. Batter it, and fry it. But not just any batter....Beer batter. I did a little research onthis. Very little, actually, but it turns out that some scottish restaurants or pubs will fry a slice of pizza for you, but it's not common and I saw no mention of beer-batter. Mix some flour and some beer. Add a lot of salt. Heat up some oil. Look it's not rocket science. Drop a bit of batter into the oil to check if it's hot enough. If it bubbles and floats, then you're ready. Carefully dip your pizza slice into the oil. I didn't want to use a ton of oil, so I put in enough to cover it more than halfway and flipped it over halfway through. Fry it until it's a nice golden brown. To make sure the inside is hot, you should microwave the pizza first. Don't start with it fridge cold. When it's ready, remove your pizza from the oil and let it sit on paper towels for a few seconds. This sucker is going to soak up oil like a hooker on coke. Oh my yes. This is beautiful. The smell is wonderful - greasy crusty salty pepperoni-y... Fantastic. Eat the first few bites with a fork and knife so you can still get in to it while it's piping scalding-oil hot. Then pick it up like a man and dig in! This would be a good time to be drinking another beer, too. Try it, it's good.  

 VALENTINE'S DAY  

How much comedy and material can I get out of Valentine's Day? Anyway, when shopping for a perfect card for my wife for Valentine's Day, I couldn't believe the cards they were selling. So, I thought I would share some surprising ones with you.

Valentine, nothing says "Be Mine" like our suicide pact.

I want to whisper sweet nothings to you like "Let me stick it in your pooper."

You make me feel dead inside. Don't make me choose...between you and porn.

My love, the years we spent together serve as a daily reminder as to why I became gay.

Our love is like a rose...it will dry up and wilt in a week.

Valentine's Day? Hah! A holiday for pussies!

My love for you burns deep within me...no wait, that's just acid reflux.

My penis SHOULD be put on a pedestal.  

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU?  

Apparently I am a horse, even though most people would say I was a jackass. Click on the link to the website to find out what kind of animal are you? http://www.2on.com/  

FAKE OR FOTO?  

Okay, here we go again. The last picture from last week was...fake. Yes, those mixer things whatever they were were fake. What about this foto? is it fake...or foto?       

 IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE  

    

DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP  

    

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY  

Bruce became the second person to visit Exile Island on Survivor Panama, after he was not selected to join a new tribe. Once there, he was given two clues to find the immunity idol: the clue Jeff Probst gave Misty last week, and a new clue that included a map indicating where the idol was not hidden. But the most significant clue seemed to be in the way the first clue was written. While the text was exactly the same as what Jeff said to Misty, there was emphasis added: …You also have a lot of time to think about “why” fate chose you to be the first one out here. Which is also “why” immunity is already so important. Last week, sharp-eyed viewers noticed a tree that appeared to have a letter on it: the letter Y. And that Y appeared on a tree right next to Exile Island’s supplies. That would explain why the whys are highlighted — because it’s not why that matters, but y. Why? I have no idea, but perhaps similar letters on other trees spell out the location of the idol. In other episode news, Melinda was voted out of one of the two new tribes after an alliance between Stupid Quitter Guy Shane, my new favorite person to loathe, and Stupid Yoga Energy Guy Aras, my other new favorite person to loathe, and two others decided that she should be ejected—even though Shane basically had a breakdown and decided to quit the game about six times, and did nothing but complain about the experience. Twelve seasons and still no one’s learned anything.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

SACKED crisp factory workers got a parting gift from bosses —a bag of the firm’s product worth 36p. Most of the 250 staff axed by Walkers binned the crisps in disgust. One said: “I couldn’t believe they could be so insensitive. It’s bad enough being out of a joband this rubbed salt into the wound.” Walkers are closing the Swansea plant next month. They offered workers the chance of relocating but most are taking redundancy. The firm gave all its British employees the crisps as part of a push for their new low fat and salt variety. Walkers’ owners Pepsi said: “We apologise if we caused offence.”

And now, it's time for...

MOVIE BUZZ

X3: The Last Stand: Bootleg publicity pics (Wolverine making out with Dr. Jean Grey! Beast sitting in on a board meeting!) sparked an outcry from X-Fans before a cease-and-desist letter from the studio made 'em disappear. The suits should dispense with these posters, too. Unless the third installment is actually a mutant-filled sequel to Rent.

Casino Royale: A spoiler-filled script review details a scene in which 007 has his two favorite spy gadgets tortured. Yeah, that's really subtle. No wonder they can't cast the Bond girl. Just imagine what body parts she's gotta worry about.

Iced: Lenny Kravitz will hit the pipe in his movie debut. Trivia time: Name two big-name actors who caught their big break playing crackheads. That'd be Chris Rock (Pookie in New Jack City) and Halle Berry (Vivian in Jungle Fever). Apparently only black actors can play crackheads.

Well, that's all I have room for. I will leave you witha random pic. 'Nuff said.