Friday, January 16, 2009

Kiss Bush Good-Bye... The President, Not The Female Part


Hello, welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Phile. This is the regular entry with Bush as President, kids. Can you believe that? I think I am speaking for the whole world when I say don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Rod Blagojevich was formally impeached on one charged of corruption and three charges of helmet hair. He is remaining defiant. He held a press conference, and at the end of the conference, he twirled his hair like helicopter blades to fly far, far away. A poll by a real estate Web site found that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was America’s No. 1 choice for celebrity neighbor. She even beat out Oprah. Which seems kind of crazy to me because if you lived next door to Oprah, your house might look like a mansion. If you live next door to Sarah Palin, your house might look like an igloo. You might have seal skin for a bed. Not to mention, Oprah won’t shoot your pets. The Detroit Auto Show opened on Monday. America’s automakers are showing off their latest cars. Unfortunately, they didn’t get as much of the bailout as they thought, so a ticket into the auto show costs $1.3 billion. They’re putting bigger rear view mirrors on cars, which I think is terrible. People in L.A. already spend too much time looking in the mirror — putting on their makeup, checking their lipstick . . . the women are even worse. What became of electric cars? They were here one minute, then they were gone . . . like parachute pants. Iranian protestors were burning pictures of Barack Obama the other day. I thought, C’mon! He isn’t even in office yet! I don’t think these guys are angry — I think they just like fire. It’s winter in Iran and they’re cold. The Internet is full of men looking for dates for the inauguration. What ever happened to the Washington tradition of getting a hooker? One week left of President Bush. He gave his final press conference. He’s never really been a fan of press conferences mainly because the press never really understood him . . . mostly because he makes up his own words. Ann Coulter sat down with the ladies on “The View” to promote her new collection of irrational remarks. All five co-hosts came at her collectively, and wisely, they all did it at once, so no one could understand anyone. There’s a new study out that says too much caffeine can cause hallucinations. I think it’s true because I was at Starbucks today, and I hallucinated that a cup of coffee cost $4. Then I hallucinated that the counter guy was trying to sell me a jazz CD at 7 o’clock in the fucking morning. Andy Rooney turned 90 years old this week. Why is he so angry? He only works three minutes a week. President Bush has declared a state of emergency for Washington, D.C. Apparently, the president obtained information that on Tuesday, an unidentified black man was plotting to break into and actually live in the White House. The president was on “Larry King” for a parting interview before he tries to find his way back home to Texas. Larry King asked him if he lost any money in the crisis, and surprisingly, Bush said he has no idea where his money is because his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance. It seems fitting that since he doesn’t know where our money, he shouldn’t know where his money is. 


From the home office in freezing cold Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Things Overheard On The First Day Of Congress 
10. "Do these pants make my ass look fat on CSPAN?"
9. "Where's all the food from Joe the Caterer?"
8. "Everyone, please check your shoes at the door"
7. "Do they assign us a scandal or do we make up our own?"
6. "The chick with the gavel is the only stimulus package I need"
5. "Dude, Guitar Hero World Tour is sick"
4. "No thanks, Senator Craig. I think I can find the men's room on my own"
3. "I bought my seat on eBay"
2. "Who'd you have to Blagojevich to get this job?"
And the number one thing overheard on the first day of Congress...
1. "Ladies and gentlemen, we will now commence to sit on our asses and do nothing"


Serial killer cannibal Albert Fish executed at Sing Sing. God wanted him to castrate boys, and who was he to disagree. At his electrocution, the twenty-nine needles he had inserted into his crotch meant he needed a second jolt.
Raising money for the war, actress Carol Lombard and her mother are killed along with a score of others in a Las Vegas airplane crash.
Jan Palach self-immolates in Wenceslas Square, Prague, to protest the Soviet occupation of Czechoslovakia. His gasoline powered sacrifice starts a wave of copycat suicides, seven of which are successful.
President Leon Cordero of Ecuador is kidnapped by followers of Gen. Frank Vargas, held in a Quito prison for a 1986 coup attempt. Vargas is free and so was the President. Lesson: crime pays.
Three days of race riots begin in Overtown, Miami when a black man fleeing on motorcycle is killed by a Hispanic police officer. 125 blocks are sealed off during the riots.
Operation Desert Storm commences as Baghdad is pummeled live on CNN. Targeted with smartbombs are "command and control facilities" and Saddam Hussein himself. We seem to miss both, but do manage to kill about 100,000 Iraqi soldiers in the surreal bombardments that follow.
Bill Cosby's 27 year old son Ennis William Cosby is shot to death at Skirball Center in Sepulveda Pass, near Los Angeles CA. It was a robbery attempt while he was attempting to change a flat tire.


Claiborne Pell: And our first stiff of the year is the exciting senator from Rhode Island, creator of the Pell Grant, and apparently the only politician on all of Wikipedia without a "scandals" section. Going to be a big year.

Pat Hingle: Hingle buried.

Griffin Bell: Rung.

Patrick McGoohan: Number Deep 6.

Ricardo Montalban: Boss...? Boss...?

Andrew Wyeth: Easel come, easel go.


Boy George's troubles with the law took a serious turn in a London courtroom Friday when a judge sentenced the '80s pop idol to 15 months in jail for falsely imprisoning a male escort at his home in 2007. Judge David Radford told the former Culture Club singer (whose real name is George O'Dowd) he was guilty of "gratuitous violence" for handcuffing and beating with a chain a 29-year-old Norwegian man he had met online and invited to his London apartment for a nude photo shoot, Britain's Press Association reports. Supporters gasped, but O'Dowd, 47, is reported to have shown little emotion during his sentencing at Snaresbrook Crown Court, London. He was jailed immediately.


Bad Ass Animals Presidents Kept As Pets
The last thing the White House needs is another dog, damn it. That's been the animal of choice for the last several presidents. And so, as Barack Obama decides between a Labradoodle and a Portuguese water dog, we remember a time when the leader of the free world kept a pet that refused to be tamed--and was often perfectly capable of devouring a human.
Josiah the Badger. President: Theodore Roosevelt. For most Americans, when the president comes to town they dress up in their best red, white and blue, wave a miniature stars and stripes and hope the most powerful leader in the western world will give 'em a smile.
But in 1903, one little girl--perhaps the most awesome little girl ever born--decided to throw a badger. That's not a metaphor. She threw an actual badger at President Theodore Roosevelt. On one hand, you wonder how she survived the encounter--this was Teddy Roosevelt, after all. Then again, you realize that in Roosevelt's world, a thrown badger was probably a common form of greeting. Still, badgers are fierce little bastards and one wonders how the little girl was able to even get a hold of one, let alone hurl it at a passing Theodore Roosevelt as his train pulled out of some backwater train station in Kansas. She even managed to yell the critter's name. And so, little Josiah the badger passed from Kansas flatland to White House opulence.
The first family bottle-fed Josiah until he cut his teeth, at which point the badger would zip along White House floors, nipping and biting at the heels of passers-by. It should be noted that getting your heels bitten by a wild badger was the least-violent greeting one could hope for when passing through the Roosevelt White House .
Old Whiskers the Goat. President: Benjamin Harrison. If there was ever a creature that hated spending time at the White House more than George W. Bush, it was Old Whiskers.
You might suspect that Old Whiskers was a nickname for the 23rd president, a stodgy ol' coot with more than a passing resemblance to Obi Wan Kenobi... but it was in fact the name of the goat he shared an address with, which was given to Ben's grandchildren by the ol' coot himself.
If only Harrison had been as wise as Obi Wan (or any Jedi for that matter, 'cause how cool would it be to have a Jedi as the leader of the free world), he would've thought twice about adding the animal to the stable of pets the first family had already amassed. Upon moving in at 1600 Pennsylvania, Old Whiskers got busy thinking of a way to make the president look like a dumbass. Why was the goat so bitter? Well, the grandkids used Old Whiskers as a work horse, tying a harness and miniature stagecoach to the goat who would then pull the kids around the lawn of the White House. Finally, Old Whiskers decided he'd towed the bratty grandkids for the last fucking time. He took his shot and bolted out the White House gates (Apparently at that time, the White House gates were just sort of left open, just in case one of the neighbors wanted to wander on in and borrow something from the Lincoln bedroom). What ensued was a wild goat chase down Pennsylvania Avenue, involving the grandchildren and the president himself, clutching his top hat and holding his cane as his constituents pointed and laughed. We have to assume that the whole affair took place in fast-motion while somebody played "Yakety Sax" in the background. The animal was finally caught and returned to the White House lawn, and everyone shook their head, smiled and thought about what an amusing story it would make for future comedy websites.
Pauline Wayne the Cow. President: William Taft. Taft was the fattest president to ever grace the White House. Tipping the scales at a weighty 300+ pounds, it seems only fitting the 27th president of the United States would have a cow as his first pet. Pauline Wayne was quite the heifer herself, although how the Holstein got the name Pauline Wayne is unknown. She was a gift from a Wisconsin senator who presumably thought the always hungry president would slaughter the cow and invite him over for steaks on the grill. Instead, Taft let the cow graze--and presumably shit profusely on--the White House lawn. In turn, she provided raw milk (and possibly crippling diarrhea) to the first family for the last three years of Taft's presidency.
Although we couldn't find a source on this, it's likely Pauline supplied the gallon of butter that Taft and six White House aides needed to free the president from the White House bathtub every morning. After a buttery-soft Taft left office, Pauline--the last cow ever to call the White House home--was shipped back to Wisconsin. The steaks were excellent.
Billy the Pygmy Hippo. President: Calvin Coolidge. Billy the Pygmy Hippo found his way to the White House via Liberia after he was captured there by Harvey Firestone, maker of Firestone tires. There's a certain irony to capturing and enslaving an animal from a country that was founded by freed slaves from the United States, but I digress... Firestone believed the pygmy hippo would make a wonderful gift for President Coolidge, already a collector of strange and exotic pets. By the time Billy arrived, Coolidge had amassed an assortment of dogs, birds, a wallaby and a domesticated raccoon named Rebecca, a filthy but favorite pet of the first lady.
But it turned out "pygmy hippo" was a misleading term (no doubt coined by the crooked hippo pet industry) and Billy eventually grew too big to stay at the White House. At this point begins a string of events that would lead Billy to become more influential in the hippo world than Coolidge was among the humans. First, the Coolidge clan turned him over to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park. He had developed a reputation as being "frisky" and, with zookeepers eager to get their hands on some pygmy hippo baby-batter, he was paired with another hippo, Hannah. The two made lousy parents, culminating in the death of their third child when Hannah rolled over and crushed it. Like most teenage parents, the two eventually figured out what to do with the kids: let someone else deal with them. In this case, it was zookeepers from across the country. Over the course of the next 25 years, Billy got busy getting busy with Hannah. In all, she gave birth to 15 of his children. While she spent her days being pregnant, Billy continued to sew his wild oats with another hippo gal pal, Matilda, who popped out an additional eight kids. Zookeepers were able to breed them and breed them some more, to the point that the majority of pygmy hippos in captivity today are direct descendants of Billy. So, not only did he spread his seed across a large chunk of the globe, but he lived until 1955... outliving Coolidge by 23 years. If hippos had high schools, they'd name one after Billy.


The Spirit
Rookie cop Denny Colt (Gabriel Macht) gets gunned down but returns from the dead as his grungy city's mysteriously unkillable, fedora-and-trenchcoat bedecked guardian angel, The Spirit. He battles night after night against arch-nemesis The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson) and a collection of hot women that would give Hugh Hefner pause. Surprisingly, Macht (who was greeted with cries of "Who?" when casting was announced) delivers as the squared-jawed man-slut superhero who solves problems with his fists and compulsively hits on with every woman who crosses his path. At times, he seems lifted straight out of the original Will Eisner comics. A couple of moments hit the mark—like the Spirit taking out a purse-snatcher without so much as interrupting his stride—and the sheer insanity of the story keeps you watching. Unfortunately, Miller's attempts at "borrowing" Robert Rodriquez's Sin City visual template doens't work because, well, we've seen this done and done better already. In fact, Miller's decision to direct his own work is a mistake—he can't handle the shifts from campiness to stilted seriousness to parody, and following the movie is like trying to make sense of eight ADD-children telling you different stories at the same time. And Sam? We love you, man, but seriously…take a breather. You've shouted enough to fill this lifetime (good thing all that noise doesn't keep Scarlett Johansson from nodding off for most of the film, though). And people unfamiliar with Miller's work will find some of his, um, personal kinks (misogyny, Nazis) off-putting. In fact, even if you are familiar… Keep an eye on Seychelle Gabriel, who plays the younger version of Eva Mendes' character in flashbacks. This is only her second role after playing "Very Attractive Girl" on an episode of the Nickelodeon show "Zoey 101". Get ready to be typecast. From 1 to 10, I gave it a 5. Would I buy it on DVD? MAybe in the used bin if it has cool extras.


No one can stop the Watchmen! Not even a determined and wiley Fox. The days of tension-filled angst and potential March madness are over -- The Hollywood Reporter has posted that Warner Bros. and Fox have settled that pesky Watchmen copyright suit that has been driving us all nuts for the last few months, and are going to present their agreement to Judge Gary Feess to get the case dismissed. After trying to become co-distributor for the Zack Snyder film, Fox has agreed to leave it all in the hands of Warner Bros., and just take a hefty cash payment, plus a chunk of the revenue. They're also calling off the locksmiths, security companies, personal bodyguards, and booby trap makers that would've been needed to protect them from angry fans, had the release date been postponed. Now, rather than nasty comments about each company, both Fox and Warner Bros. are wrapped up in "good faith" claims and happiness, eager to move on from this whole ordeal and be chummy. However, THR did point out that the company is said to be setting their sights on producer Larry Gordon -- the guy who shopped the project without securing the proper rights -- to recoup their settlement costs. Whatever happens now, at least we got what we want -- March 6 will still be the day that movie theaters shake under the stampede of Watchmen fans. 


Samuel L. Jackson might be out as Nick Fury, telling Hero Complex: "I saw Jon Favreau at the Scream Awards and we had a conversation. He said, 'I hope things are working out for you because we're writing stuff for you.' Then all of a sudden last week I talked to my agents and manager and things aren't really working that well. There was a huge kind of negotiation that broke down. I don't know. Maybe I won't be Nick Fury. Maybe somebody else will be Nick Fury or maybe Nick Fury won't be in it. There seems to be an economic crisis in the Marvel Comics world so [they're saying to me], 'We're not making that deal.'" Sam Mendes told MTV that he's still waiting for a Preacher script before he'll commit to the project, as he's not very good at "developing" projects, he needs to read the script. But he does love Garth Ennis' series. "I think it's absolutely brilliant. It's a gripping story, fantastic characters, great visual landscape. It mixes supernatural and real worlds brilliantly, it's not entirely a CGI creation if you make it into a movie. It's funny, and it's absolutely, completely blasphemous, possibly even sacrilegious I would say. Which might be a dangerous thing to take on. Whether or not I have the skill to make it into a movie, I don't know." 


Hey, phans, check out the websites of the pholks I interviewed, and tell them the Phile sent you.


There you have it, another Phriday's entry done. The next regular entry will be done next Phriday but the next interview will be posted tomorrow. It's the 20th one already and it's with Melissa Joan Hart! Then on Sunday the Peverett Phile Interviews will be back with a singer named Britney Christian. So, keep checking back, and as always spread the word, not the turd.

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