Thursday, July 21, 2016

Pheaturing Cosmo Jarvis

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? I wish I was as good at anything as Ted Cruz is at being unlikable. Someone erected a miniature wall around Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, referencing the Republican nominee's now famous proposition to build a border wall between the United States and Mexico. No word yet on if Mexico paid for it. The wall, which stands about 6", comes complete with tiny "keep out" signs and is topped with barbed wire. It has been sitting around the "plain star" that Trump earned for being a TV personality since early Tuesday afternoon. Supposedly the wall was created by well-known L.A. street artist Plastic Jesus. Although Plastic Jesus did not explicitly admit to creating the wall, he did upload a picture of a crowd of tourists admiring the wall on Instagram. He also is known for making a lot anti-Trump paraphernalia. Or maybe Trump made the wall himself. After all, it is on scale with his tiny hands.
Jon Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" has a new gig that is a bit different from being the star of a huge reality TV show. According to "US Weekly," a "passion for cooking" has landed the father of eight a job as a cook at a T.G.I. Friday's in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Gosselin, who says he primarily works as a DJ, disclosed that he works at the restaurant for about eight hours a week "just for fun", and insists he doesn't need the extra cash. "I don’t need the money… DJ-ing is still my real job." He also told "US Weekly" that DJing is "going amazing" and that he donates his checks from T.G.I. Friday's to charity. Oh by the way, a place where Gosselin often DJ's is T.G.I. Friday's.When asked if any of his eight children have ever come to visit him on the job, he responded, “I don’t want to mix that. I’m trying to make their lives as normal as possible.” I mean, eating at a T.G.I. Friday's is pretty much as normal as it gets. If you wanted to keep their lives as normal as possible, you probably shouldn't have turned their childhoods into a reality television show and publicly divorced their mother as cheating allegations surfaced in the tabloids, but okay.
Hillary Clinton pulled a Kim Kardashian (don't worry, it's not a naked selfie... yet) by posting a video on Snapchat that shows Chris Christie contradicting himself. The Augustus Gloop in charge of New Jersey gave a fiery speech at the RNC calling for Hillary to be jailed and leading a chant of "Lock her up!" Well, much like how Taylor Swift was privately chill with Kanye over "Famous," Christie physically embraced Hillary in a way that would make Kanye rap "I think Christie and Hillary still might have sex." Christie certainly does not interact with Hillary as if he believes her to be guilty of a litany of crimes, thinks her persona is "a sham," and thinks she's an Al Qaeda apologist. Sure, a hug is not as explosive as Taylor Swift approving the lyric. But of milking fury and going crazy with hyperbole at the RNC: is Christie guilty or not guilty? The Clinton campaign taking a page from Kim Kardashian's book: this is politics now.
All that "Pokémon Go" making you horny? There's an app for that. Introducing "PokéDates," an app that will set you up with a fellow Pokémon trainer who would love to meet up with you and stare at your respective phones in public. Project Fixup is already a dating site that assigns a specialist to take into account all your hopes, dreams, and important height requirements and sets you up on themed dates. Now they've added a new theme, "PokéDates." There's no back and forth messaging and no swiping; they just get your schedule and assign you a date and a PokeStop meeting place so you can save all that finger action for the PokéBalls.Usually these dates cost $20 a pop, but your first PokéDate is free. After that, you'll just have to hang out at PokéStops and try to crash someone else's date.
Every four years, the world's greatest athletes come together to compete in the Olympic games, and apparently, also have a lot of sex with each other. According to the "New York Post," 450,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube will be distributed to the athletes competing over the course of the 17-day long Olympic games in Rio. And 350,000 of the condoms will be given to male athletes while the remaining 100,000 will be given to women. This is the first time in the history of the Olympics that females will be given free condoms. Finally. Girls want to have sex, too. And while distributing condoms to athletes is nothing new, this year the quantity of condoms is a new record, and has nearly tripled since the 2012 London games, when 150,000 condoms were provided. The tradition began in Seoul in 1988, when 8,500 condoms were given to Olympians. So yes, nearly a half million condoms is definitely a bit excessive, especially because there are only 10,500 athletes competing, but apparently Olympians have quite the reputation for humping non-stop in their off time. Metro reported that U.S. target shooter Josh Lakatos said of his time at the games, “I’d never witnessed the debauchery seen at Sydney 2000 in my entire life. My apartment in the Olympic Village was like a brothel." U.S. women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo had a similar experience while competing in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, “There’s a lot of sex going on at the Olympics. I’ve seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings.” Ew. Well, as much is to be expected when you confine a bunch of hot, in-shape people to one small place. It is like an adult version of summer camp. Plus, with the looming threat of the Zika virus being a concern in Brazil, organizers definitely want to avoid a potential outbreak of any other kind, ifyaknowwhatimean. Between competing in the games and having enough condoms to have sex 2-3 times a day, how the hell do these people have time to do anything else? Well, despite the giving people enough condoms to have more sex in 17-days than most of us will have all year, we will see how many athletes chose to use them. If there are any genetically-gifted babies being born in nine months, we will know that some of those 450,000 condoms went to waste.
So, I mentioned "Pokémon Go"... and as I said the last few entries, some people are cashing in on the craze. For example... This indie clothing store manager who offers Pokéballs AND some cute threads.

A lot of people think Pokémon is a Japanese creation, but it's originally from Britain. I would know. Haha. You can also tell from the names of the characters.

Arse Badger. Hahaha. I amuse myself. So, are you fans of Eric Clapton? I am but I am surprised by his new look...

What is this? Clapton Kangaroo? So, it's summer and it's time to show a pic of a woman wearing a bikini... with something not so sexy in the background.

This guy's got a thing for sand boobs. Haha. So, I expected Trump to do something funny at the convention like ride a rhino to it... like Obama did. You remember that, right?

Hahaha. I crack myself up. San Diego Comic Con is happening right now and this is the new logo...

Agghhhhh!!!!! Well, it's Thursday and you know what that means...

The Black Dahlia... I am so sorry, kids. Moving on...

Garry Marshall 
November 13th, 1934 — July 19th, 2016
Sunday, Monday happy days! Tuesday... Oh. Shit.

if you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, my son and I were talking how he and I used to watch "Sesame Street" together. watching it now, it doesn't seem like the same show. That's why I have a pheature called...

They had brought heaps of cyanide laced cooked to the party, and all the children ate them. In a few hours, they wold be no youth left to plague the world with their "selfies" and "Ugg boots" and "pumpkin spiced latte." Ernie and Bert were both so happy that they decided to cheer their plan with two cookies left off a plate sitting at the reserve table. Oops.

There are few things in the world more uncomfortable than this air kiss Donald Trump gave to Mike Pence at the RNC yesterday.

Oh. My. God.Well after allegations that Trump was unsure about his VP pick, this kiss definitely proves that he is super fond of Pence. Right? Politics hasn't seen a kiss this awkward since…

Republican Party
The Republican Party is a U.S. political party that favors a conservative fiscal state, limited government, and a strong national defense against 21st century ideals.

Today's guest is an English singer-songwriter, actor and filmmaker whose album "Os the World Strange or Am I?" is available on iTunes and is great! Please welcome to the Phile... Cosmo Jarvis.

Me: Cosmo, hello, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Cosmo: Hi, thank you for asking. If by "you" you mean my state emotionally... or my state generally, then I would have to answer; I don't know. I feel that "how are you?" is an impossible question to answer honestly and objectively. It can only be answered subjectively and so, dishonestly... Unless you think that the truth as perceived and expressed by an individual can ever really be what the perfect definition of truth is. Hell knows. Either way I guess you'd like my opinion on the matter and so without furthering this pointless paragraph I’ll just say that next to Amy Winehouse, I'm just fine!

Me: Ummm... okay. That's a very interesting first name, Cosmo. You don't hear that name to often. What are your middle names if you don't mind me asking?

Cosmo: Cosmo is technically a middle name, although I have gone by it since birth, unless it’s my mother calling me Eshek Shoon which is Armenian for asshole dog. Full name is Harrison Cosmo Krikoryan Jarvis. The Harrison is from Mr. Ford.

Me: Cool. Where are you from, sir?

Cosmo: Born in U.S., raised in U.K. by U.S. TV.

Me: Ahhh. I thought you were from England. You do live in Devon now, right? Is that Devon, England? I went there on holiday when I was a teenager living in England. It's beautiful there. I remember there were sheep everywhere.

Cosmo: There is a vegetable salesmen whose name I will not say. He operates his business out of a small village in Devon. He has had sexual intercourse with sheep. It can be nice here but it can also be full of morons and small minded fools, but I guess so can anywhere.

Me: Okay, let's talk about you, Cosmo. You are a singer, songwriter, actor, director, composer, and producer just to name a few. What is our number one thing you like to do?

Cosmo: Plan the next thing to do. I just like all acting, film-making and music making the same.

Me: You're only 26, right? When I was 21 I was a lazy bastard working at Epcot. How did you do so many freakin' things at such a young age? What were you, like three, when you wrote your first song?

Cosmo: No, I was always into music when I was very young and started out by playing the piano. A lot. My dad got me into a bunch of diverse shit like Zappa and Rachmaninoff and Bonzo Dog Band and all kinds of shit, then when puberty hit and I was freak in school who hated school and we moved house I just locked myself away and started to learn how to make recordings digitally, and learned other instruments too. It seemed like it even if it didn't amount to anything it would still be worth more to me than being shat out of education and into some job I’d never get or hold if I did. Sometimes fallback plans fall on you, then you get stuck.

Me: What was your first song you have ever written, do you remember the title?

Cosmo: I was like 12 and It was called "Beautiful Lie," it sucked. Pretentious, bad poetry. I remember though that Beyonce and Shakira did a song called "Beautiful Liar" not too long ago. I was pissed off but my brother said I was being an asshole, I get that a lot.

Me: You are impressive, my friend. Even Brian Eno said nice things about you. How did that happen? Did you meet and work with Eno or is just a fan?

Cosmo: I don't know I've never met him, but I'd like too. I guess he just heard it and liked it. I'd love to work with him. But apparently it isn't worth too damn much if someone who contributed to some pretty radical creative ideas in music history rates the work of a hack musician, it’s gotta be someone in the game that bigs you up. Someone with good skin (not that Mr. Eno doesn’t), someone who goes to the club, someone who has a good single that sells and then makes damn sure the next single sounds the same to guarantee the market they established with the first single stays loyal. Someone trendy.

Me: You also wrote and directed some short films. How many did you make? Was Alley Way one of them? Who is Alley Way?

Cosmo: I have done over 20 I guess, shorts. Of course they are all of various qualities and content. They are mostly on my YouTube but I’ve been taking a lot of them down for a while because the deluxe version of my album "Is the World Strange Or Am I Strange?' comes with a free DVD with 18 of them which are the final cuts. See, I always rush to upload my stuff and often I leave to much in... Any way the final cuts are much better. The Alley Way was a film I made from the point of view of a senile old man who makes himself feel special in his old age by convincing himself that he is the only person who ever walks through a certain alley way. He conjures far fetched and bizarre explanations for the appearance and state of the alley way. It was selected as part of the midnight shorts category at SXSW festival in Texas 2010. That was cool, because of that film I got an IMDB profile, little things like that make you feel like you’re not just jerking off. I’ve got a feature film called The Naughty Room...

Me: I listened to your album "Is the World Strange Or Am I Strange?" and really like it. And to answer, the world is strange. This is your second album, right? I downloaded your other album from iTunes.

Cosmo: Yes, it’s much shorter than the first album though because I insisted on having a double album debut to ditch some back catalog. This was a bad decision. It confused the market apparently... too much information. The new one is of average length. I really don't know what people will think. 

Me: Your video for the song "Gay Pirates" got over 300,000 hits on Youtube. That's impressive. I was thinking that song was about Captain Jack Sparrow... LOL. What made you decide to write a song about gay pirates?

Cosmo: I wanted to try and write a story to seem like it was derived from something that happened a long time ago and to make it legitimate. Anything in history when referred to from the present gives it a validation. And everyone likes pirates. They are supposed to be these big manly mother fuckers at sea who can withstand anything, live on maggot infested cookies, and so I thought: what if one of them was gay? Also, the isolation that the two men have on the boat. You’re on the boat with people who hate you because of your sexuality. The only thing that’s keeping you alive, your will to live, is this other pirate who he loves. The whole thing was a futile battle. The only way they’ll ever be together is by walking the plank. Just wanted to write a proper love song about some gay guys without the fact they are gay being a novelty.

Me: Another song on the album is "Sure As Hell Not Jesus"... that's not a religious song as such, is it? What is that song about?

Cosmo: It’s about relying too much on a partner/friend and resenting the fact that you do because you know deep down you reliance on them only makes you weaker. The chorus, however, praises that relationship and its strength and the good that comes from it. I just sometimes wonder how some people can worship a god or whatever when real encounters and relationships (not sexual ones) with humans can offer so much more in terms of clarity, therapy, advice and all around help than a God ever could. Why don't people give each other a little credit once in a while?

Me: Cosmo, I am a huge fan, and really like your music, and the different styles you use. Who are your main influences and idols?

Cosmo: Tom Waits, Less Than Jake, Joni Mitchel, Grateful Dead, Zappa, Beatles, Soggy Bottom Boys, Clutch, S.O.A.D, Incubus, Santana (old), Stones, Eminem, K.J. Sawka, Mad Dog Mcrea, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Jerry Douglas, Arlo Guthrie, Alien Ant Farm, Kinks, Allman Brothers Band, Johnny Cash, Nico, Lou Reed... Everything man.

Me: And if you could write and record with anyone in the world who would you pick?

Cosmo: Kesha, for various reasons.

Me: Cosmo, go ahead and plug your website and I hope you can come back on the Phile soon. Thanks again, and take care.

Cosmo:, thanks!!!!!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Cosmo Jarvis for a great interview. The Phile will be back next Tuesday with Brett Anderson from Ha Ha Tonka. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Monday, July 18, 2016

Sandra Nasić From Guano Apes

Hello, welcome to Peverett Go. Hahaha. Yes, I am still playing the game. In fact, I am so ahead of my time I am playing the sequel "Pokémon Stay." For the most part, people are enjoying 2016's "Pokémon Go" craze as a welcome distraction from everything else about this year, but there are definitely some discontents, like this guy who literally put out this sign to keep kids off his lawn. First of all, his main complaint... that it's a private yard... is 100% legit, nothing to argue with there. Don't trespass. But clearly, um, he has deeper qualms with this trend...

Besides the unforgivable capitalization issues with this note, it makes a good point: this fad, too, shall pass. Also, this is definitely a Canadian, because who else is still peeved about Jean Chretien? Don't tell them, though, but Crystal Pepsi may come back. In conclusion, stay out of this dude's yard, unless you're there not to play Pokémon, but rather to ask him to tell you of days of yore when knights and ladies synchronized their dances to a song no one realized was about threesomes because it was in Spanish. By the way I'm just assuming because of the typeface that it's a dude. I could be wrong, and yes, I realize I'm recklessly type-casting.
On July 16th, presumptive GOP vice presidential nominee Gov. Mike Pence tweeted out (at 4pm) a picture of his family having dinner at Chili's in New York City, but that wasn't the weird part​. Due to an optical illusion... or possibly due to Mike Pence's daughter being a half-vampire hybrid capable of moving among humans like Wesley Snipes' titular character in Blade... the Indiana governor's daughter had no reflection in the Chili's mirror.

Mindphuck. Now, some people with knowledge of photography say this is a simple trick of angles and she's hidden behind Pence in the reflection. Which is exactly what someone in the pay of Big Vampire would say. Trump has promised to "look into" many things, mostly groups of people, so one hopes he is as vigilant about daywalking vampires who may or may not be on the side of good in the eternal struggle against the forces of the night as he is about immigrants.
I love pizza. I love all the pizza. I can't wait to tell my doctor that it's healthy to eat pizza. According to a study at UC San Francisco and Touro University California, foods that are high in calories, but low in sugar, are healthier than high calorie foods that are high in sugar. The study examined the diets of 43 overweight children for nine days. During this time, researchers slowly swapped the children's sugar snacks for snacks that had lower sugar content. The substitution snacks were high-calorie as well. So, instead of a cupcake, these lucky kiddos would be given… PIZZA. Or hot dogs. Or anything that's not pure sugar. The researchers discovered that when the children ate high-calorie snacks with lower sugar, their overall health improved. In some instances, the low sugar diet resulted in weight loss. So the main takeaways are: number one, a diet that is high in sugar is really bad for your health. This includes soda, donuts, candy bars, a hubcap full of whipped cream, etc. And number two, a high-calorie diet sans sucrose is healthier. Let's set aside the fact that a balanced low-calorie diet of lean meats, veggies, fruits, and plenty of water, along with moderate exercise, is the safest and most effective weight-loss plan, and focus on this single scientific study. I conclude, according to this research, that I can eat pizza, so much pizza, and still be healthier than if I ate pizza, so much pizza, and also all the ice cream.
The notion that women occasionally fake orgasms is nothing new. While the common perception is that most women are "faking it" to spare their sexual partner's feelings, new findings indicate that might not actually be the case. In a new study by Emily Thomas​, Monika Stelzl, and Michelle Lafrance that was presented at the British Psychological Society's Psychology of Women conference, 15 women ages 19-28 were interviewed about their reasons for faking orgasms. Researchers found that many of the women had faked sexual pleasure as a way to get out of uncomfortable or even unwanted sex. Granted, 15 is a pretty small sample pool, but the study's press release stated that all of the women "spoke explicitly of a problematic sexual experience" that they wanted to be over, either because it didn't feel good or because they didn't truly want it to happen, which is a little scary. The morals of the story here? Number one, make sure that your partner actually, really, truly wants to have sex with you. And number two, once you've confirmed that... Moving on.
Forever 21 learned some shirts aren't forever when they received backlash for boys t-shirts featuring sexist phrases. This is not the first time the retailer has come under fire for an offensive shirt, and it probably won't be the last. After the criticism, Forever 21 quickly apologized and pulled the shirts from its website. Forever 21 told Yahoo Style that they regretted the shirts, "Forever 21 takes feedback and product concerns very seriously. With regards to the t-shirts in question, after receiving feedback we have taken immediate action to have them removed from our website. We sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by the products." It's wise that they responded so quickly. But just remember, it probably would've been tacky parents buying these t-shirts for their sons. Here's one of the shirts...

They were on the website in the first place for a reason: someone would've bought them.
Sorry Internet trolls, it would seem that the female-led Ghostbusters reboot did pretty well for its opening weekend, and all your whining did was get more people interested in seeing the movie. "The Los Angeles Times" is reporting that Ghostbusters pulled in a respectable $46 million bucks this past weekend, surpassing the studio's original projection of $30-$40 million dollars. It also shows that audiences are totally into seeing female-led movies, so get used to it, misogynists. On top of making a pretty decent amount of money, Ghostbusters also won a fair amount of praise from reviewers and garnered a 73% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Not bad. However, Ghostbusters was beat out for the most profitable film of the weekend, coming behind The Secret Life of Pets, which made over $50 million. According to Deadline, Sony marketing/distribution chief Josh Greenstein gushed, "This is the biggest opening for a live-action comedy in over a year and we reached a wide audience that's both new and nostalgic." Ghostbusters is well on it's way to earning back the $144 million it took to create the film, and you can hardly hear the horrified shrieks of the man-babies crying about their ruined childhoods from their parents' basements anymore.
Let's talk "Pokémon Go" again. Some people are finding ways to cash in on the game. Like this brilliant girl who’s selling extra battery packs at a Pokéstop.

Genius. A lot of people think Pokémon is a Japanese creation but really they are from Britain. You can tell by the names of the characters.

Hahaha. I wanna catch that one. So, because of the popularity of the game you are gonna start to see signs like these...

Every. Street. So, yesterday I showed you the Trump/Pence logo and explained what it looks like. Well, they seemed to have updated it, but I don't know if it looks any better.

Haha. So, have you seen the new shoe that just came out?

There are no words. Alright, all through summer I am showing you bikini pics with something not so sexy in the background.

You never know where Jesus will make a difference in your life. Hey, I want to go to this...

But that was in 1981. Oh, well. Okay, so, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's doe stuff that happens in Florida that happens no where else in the Universe. That's why I have a pheature here called...

Oh, Florida, you just don't quit, do you? On Thursday morning in Ocala, Florida, a woman named Leslie Mills was seriously in the mood for sex. When her amorous attempts didn't work, she thought an axe might. Look, it's important be spontaneous and creative in relationships. According to The Smoking Gun, Mills, 26, returned from a night of drinking (drinking what? PCP?) and woke up the man in her house (whose relationship to Mills is as of yet unclear, to police as well as maybe Mills and the man himself), looking for some morning sex. He wasn't into it, and moved to the couch to get away from her, but mere relocation wasn't going to work in this case. Mills followed him to the couch and got on top of him, so he escaped to the bathroom and locked the door. Mere door-locking also wasn't going to work in this case. Mills began pounding on the door and managed to open it. And men say women don't think about sex. At this point the man couldn't help but notice that Mills was now holding a hatchet that had been on the living room wall (where hatchets go, duh), which she then held up as though she were going to try to hit him with it. This woman is the Lizzie Borden of Pepe le Pews. The guy managed to wrest the hatchet from her hands (she apparently bit him on the bicep in the process), ran out of the house, and called 911. Cops showed up to find Mills, definitely drunk and most certainly wearing nothing but a bathrobe. She was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and domestic battery. She posted $5,500 for her bond and is scheduled for a July 26th court hearing. Hopefully she'll show up sans axe. Abuse is never funny, no matter who's on the receiving end. But if websites wrote posts every single time a man did something violent to a woman, everywhere in the country, they would probably literally never stop writing. ​Women just don't seem to threaten men with bodily harm at the same rate men do. And when they do, going to go out on a limb and say probably only a small percentage are over the man refusing to have sex. But something's in the air in Florida. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Stephanie Mills was charged with assault and bringing an axe to a sex fight. Alright, so, my son and I used to watch "Sesame Street" together when he was little, but watching it recently, it's not the same show it used to be...

Big Bird's head is hung on the wall as a warning to dissidents.

Haha. This one is easy. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, with all the police killings that are going on in the world right now I wondered what a friend of the Phile had to say about it. He's a patriot, singer and renaissance man... you know what time it is.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... I swear... the NEXT person who almost walks right into me because they're playing "Pokémon Go" on their phone is getting backhanded across the face. So... it seems some people are happy and... in fact APPLAUDING the recent rash of pre-meditated assassinations carried out against police officers around the nation. Interesting... but you should keep a few things in mind as you "high five" one another over this current form of mass insanity. 1. These officers who died, had one thing in common. EACH of them had spotless records, NOT ONE had any reports of police brutality or use of excessive force lodged against them (I checked). These were fathers, brothers, husbands and sons. Human beings... who took on one of the most thankless and dangerous jobs in the world. That of a modern day law enforcement officer. Good men... shot down in cold blood. 2. If some people out there think it's okay to declare WAR on the police... then you need take this fact into consideration. There are other people out there who DON'T wear badges, who DON'T wear a uniform, who are amongst you all the time. People who DON'T have to report to a civilian review board or an Internal Affairs Division. People who are (legally) well armed, extremely violent, highly skilled in how to maim, cripple and kill... using various methods and items from guns, to knives, to hand to hand combat. These people slip in and out of the shadows with great ease. They can end your life in the time it takes you to draw a single breath. These people are decent, law abiding, citizens... who have simply had enough. These people WILL protect the police from the likes of any and all threats to their safety. People like... Me. So... if your idea of "solving a problem with the police" is ambushing them in the streets (while they're risking their lives to protect YOU) and killing them... remember this... The police are the GOOD GUYS... You are the BAD GUYS... What you should REALLY be frightened of is... guys like ME. Because I promise you this, my temporarily confused friends. If I get within range of you... and your intent is to harm an officer of the law... I will shut you off like a fucking light switch... and I PROMISE you... your family will avert their eyes in horror when they stand over your remains at the morgue and witness what I've done to you. I shit you not...

Perspiration (or sweat) is nature's way of reminding you that spending summer anywhere other than in southern California is just stupid.

Today's pheatured guest is the lead singer in the German band Guano Apes whose latest album "Offline" is now available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Sandra Nasić.

Me: Hello, welcome to the Peverett Phile, Sandra. I wish I knew how to say hello in German. Wait a minute, it's Hallo und Willkommen to the Peverett Phile. Is that it?

Sandra: Perfect, or you can say, "Hallo und herzlich willkommen."

Me: Where in Germany are you kids from?

Sandra: We are from Goettingen, which lies in the middle of West Germany, the area is called Lower Saxony. Goettingen is a very old city formed around the 10th century, it has a quite famous university and once the Brothers Grimm lived and studied here. We have 70.000 students from 120.000 inhabitants.

Me: I have to ask you about the band name, Guano Apes. It doesn't sound very German, but I like the name. Where did it come from and what does it mean?

Sandra: It has no meaning, we just wanted to have an unusual name with many vowels.

Me: You guys first came out with your first music in 1994, and your second album came out in 2000. Why so long between albums?

Sandra: The First came out in '97, we had already success in Europe with it. So we've been on tour for a very long time, and maybe that’s a reason why making the second one took us so long. But we usually take the time we need; albums put together quickly are not always the best ones.

Me: On your second album "Don't Give Me Names," I noticed you did a cover of Alphaville's "Big In Japan," which was a single. I am thinking of all the songs in the world to cover, that's what you chose? Are you fans of Alphaville, and what made you pick that song?

Sandra: We have been asked to cover a song for a German sampler compiling songs from German acts of the 80ies. Bands like Nena ("99 Red Balloons") and Falco ("Rock Me Amadeus") were part of the "neue deutsche Welle" (new German wave) sound. I preferred to sing in English and so we found the Alphaville song, a German band with English lyrics, which was part of the new German wave, most suitable.

Me: Did you ever hear from Alphaville on what they thought of it?

Sandra: They heard it and I guess they like it.

Me: When your band originally break up, Sandra? Some of you formed a band called IO, but never released any music, is that because Guano Apes got back together?

Sandra: Everyone has different projects, the guys in the band released a record as IO, and I made a solo record. We still have our side projects, because it is simply fun, but at the moment we are really busy and happy being the Guano Apes.

Me: What was the reason for the break up? I am guessing after the success of the new album, you are not gonna be breaking up again, right?

Sandra: After 8 years we simply needed some time off to do different things and to live a normal live off the stage. And now it was just the right time to open up a new door with the band. Things are going pretty well for us and we enjoy the music we make.

Me: I didn't ask, who is in the band right now? You have all the original members I am guessing? 

Sandra: Yes!

Me: Let's talk about the new album, which I really like. Are you kids proud of it?

Sandra: Yes, we wanted to work in a total new surrounding. New managenemet, new producer and mixer. We worked with Kurt Ebelhäuser, he was just right and helped us bringing the new songs into a good shape. We wanted to let all songsbreathe, that’s maybe different to the other records.

Me: When you reunited, you played at a huge show in Austria, and I am sure you played all over Europe... ever been to the States? Are you planning on coming over here?

Sandra: We've been to the states several times already. We've been on tour with P.O.D. and on a support tour for Creed back in 2000 promoting our first album in the U.S. It's been great fun as people were really open for our music and like the shows a lot. We are currently thinking about returning for a few select shows with the new album.

Me: I know you have to go so quick, Sandra. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Go ahead and plug your website and anything else you wanna. All the best, and please come back again, okay? 

Sandra: Thanks for having us here! Please check out for latest information on the band and tour dates! Hope to see you some time in the states!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and Sandra Nasić. The Phile will be back on Thursday with singer and filmmaker Cosmo Jarvis. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Pheaturing Mike Brown From A Lull

Hello, everybody, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. Okay, I have something to confess... I am addicted to "Pokémon Go." Yes, it's true. Someone help me. Hahaha. Speaking of "Pokémon Go," at about 11pm on July 14th, a Vaporeon Pokémon appeared inside New York City's massive Central Park, sparking a stampede of actual humans all trying to catch it. There were easily hundreds of Gothamites all running after the same imaginary creature, if not over a thousand. It's a pretty good Pokémon. It's not amazing. It's fine! To be fair, those people were all already hanging out in the park at 11pm (NYC is a pretty safe these days) looking for Pokémon. Since "Pokémon Go" favors public spaces, and since New York is an incredibly crowded metropolis with precious few public green areas, Central Park has become something of a giant Pokémon stadium over the last two weeks. Okay, let's talk about robots beating up toddlers.
A mall in Palo Alto, California suspended its use of security robots after one of them beat up a toddler in front of an Armani Exchange earlier this week. The little boy reportedly didn't notice the machine and ran into it, causing him to fall over. Because it was an evil robot incapable of human empathy, the machine kept moving and ran over the boy's tiny baby foot. Luckily, the little boy is okay, suffering only "a nasty bruise." The question is, though, is this incident only the beginning? We all know the robot takeover of the human race is coming eventually. Is this the first step? Children are the most vulnerable of all of us. Why wouldn't the robots choose to pick off the weakest members first? It's scary stuff. Take care of your babies out there.
Rolling Stone Sir Mick Jagger, 72, is expecting his eighth child and the first with his ballerina girlfriend Melanie Hamrick, 29. The lead singer in the iconic band has seven other children ranging in age from 17 to 45. He's so counter-cultural he's made being an old man who doesn't know when to quit cool. The rocker performed his first gig with the Rolling Stones 54 years ago, when his girlfriend wasn't even a twinkle in anyone's eye yet, and Jagger's eye still contained a twinkle. Decades later, beautiful and talented women young enough to be his granddaughter still want to have his babies. In related news, two months ago, fellow Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood, 68, had twins with his wife, Sally Wood, 38. Let's keep it going, fellas. You've each got a good 20 to 30 years of babymaking left. Any of you readers go to University of North Texas?
Trending on Facebook Thursday afternoon is a story about a University of North Texas mug that accidentally spells out an obscenity, and if you're literate enough to read to this point in the sentence, you've probably figured out what it spells. But where's that dastardly "C"? It's the handle.

Mindphuck. The mug's been hailed as an epic fail across the internet, but according to ex-students (and common sense), the one-letter-off curse spelled by their school initials is a pretty common joke on campus. A quick trip to the UNT bookstore website will also only yield you a photo of the cup with the handle on the wrong side... but it could have been updated since the story started going viral a couple days ago. A university representative said you can no longer buy the mug online or in the bookstore, although it was "designed/produced by a licensed vendor more than a year ago for a campus event." When asked whether the mug was created with any intent to spell out one of the most cursed curse words, she said, "There was no intent whatsoever. It was simply an unfortunate mistake." Unfortunate? The old adage about "any news" says otherwise. Either way... you can still buy all sorts of these mugs on Etsy. What is mug may never die.
Hey, I haven't mentioned "Pokémon Go" in the last few minutes... "Pokémon Go" exploded over the weekend because it's a genuinely fun game... it mixes the 90s nostalgia of Pokémon with a real-world scavenger hunt, and it gets people doing moderate exercise to boot (this is all an insidious plot by Michelle Obama, bet on it). Unfortunately, it also has been getting people discovering dead bodies, walking into traffic, and... alas... now getting robbed. That's right, some mastermind thieves in Missouri figured out that by placing a 99-cent lure at a Pokéstop in a deserted location, they could attract lots of nerds looking for 185 CP Bulbasaurs. But good luck getting through their pocket protectors, amiright? Pokéstops are places of interest in your city... things like statues, interesting architectural features, landmarks, and murals are all often Pokéstops (that must be one interesting parking lot). Players can add "lures" to the Pokéstops, meaning that every player can find Pokémon at that location (gotta catch 'em all, you see). All Pokéstops are marked on a Google Map-like interface, and Pokéstops with a lure are denoted by the presence of falling pink flower petals. And yes, this game doesn't make much sense when you think about it. Be careful out there! And go Team Instinct!
There's some inappropriate locations players have found so far in Pokémon Go." Like a strip club for instance.

Kids wander in to find Pokémon, and by the time they leave, they're done with video games forever. Some people are cashing in on the "Pokémon Go" craze like this pizza restaurant owner who promises you extra cheese AND Magmar.

A lot of people think Pokémon is a Japanese creation, but in reality they were created in Britain. You can tell by the names of them...

Hahaha. I need to find that one. Okay, let's talk about something different for a minute. Donald Trump has picked Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate for president as you might of heard, and I think the logo looks like ooks like a T jackhammer-fucking the shit out of a P.

Crazy, right? Okay, so, it's summer and all through summer I am showing you bikini pics with something not so sexy in the background.

New photos have been added to the album: Beach Blanket Dorks. I love kids and I love kids' drawings... especially when they don't look so innocent.

Monkey? Don't! Alright, so, my kid is visiting again from Pennsylvania, and we were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together and how that show has changed. How has it changed? Let me show you with a pheature I call...

"Now as you can see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this police sketch of Klalid Muhammad Abdallah al-Mihdhar, drawn only three hours after the beheadings, does not simply resemble the elementary school teacher, it is the striking, uncanny depiction of the monster that stands before you."

Alright, before I show you today's Mindphuck, a lot of you readers... and I mean a lot of you, wrote and told me that the last entry of the Phile I had a Mindphuck. I looked back and thought, what the hell. Lemme show you my mistake...

I used the wrong graphic! Ugh! Haha. Good catch, people.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive People Who Went To See Ghostbusters
5. Feminists excited about progress in the historically male-dominated field of ghostbusting.
4. People angered by the sexist reaction to it... and feel it should be judged on its own merits as a bland rehash of a tired franchise.
3. "Pokémon Go" players, certain that Jirachi is hiding in the third row.
2. Khaki jumpsuit manufactuerers, anticipating a bump in sales.
And the number one people who went to see Ghostbusters are...
1. People who are seeking air conditioning... it's hot out!

Air conditioner
An air conditioner is a major home appliance that is not designed to cool the whole goddamn outside world, so close the fucking door, I'm not going to tell you again.

Today's guest is a member of the Chicago based band A Lull whose latest EP "Meat Mountain" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Mike Brown.

Me: Hey, Mike, welcome to the Phile. Man, every Phile entry should be titled Pheaturing A Lull. It's very fitting. How are you?

Mike: I am well. My apartment is a mess. How are you?

Me: I am doing very good. That's not the most exciting name for a band, I gotta be honest. Which one of you is responsible?

Mike: It’s usually Nigel’s fault.

Me: And how did you come up with it? What names did you reject? A Sleep? A Siesta? A Knockout? That one sounds cool for a band name.

Mike: It was between A Lull and B Lull. We rejected B Lull.

Me: Ha! I listened to your music and there's no lull about it. So, guys, who is in the band?

Mike: There are five of us. Nigel Dennis, Todd Miller, Aaron Vincel, Ashwin Deepanker, and Mike Brown.

Me: You guys are based in Chicago, right? Is that where you all met?

Mike: We are from Chicago. We all grew up around here and met when we were teenagers playing in different bands together. It’s pretty wild, but we have all known each other for as long as I can remember. I can’t imagine playing music without these dudes. I love them.

Me: I listened to your EPs "Meat Mountain," "Confetti" and the EP "Confetti Reprise" and cannot imagine how you guys sound live. How do you pull it off?

Mike: We definitely have live versions of the songs. They aren’t drastically different, but there is a difference and unique quality that the live versions have. We all have different musical backgrounds, and all are multi-instrumentalist, so that helps a lot when it comes to turning the songs out live too.

Me: Was "Confetti" your first album? Wait, you had one out with an ice cream name or something, right?

Mike: "Confetti" was our first album. We released a single 7’’ for Weapons For War before it, and an EP entitled "Ice Cream Bones" back in May of 2009.

Me: Where did THAT title come from?

Mike: My family owns an ice cream shop in Indiana, and when I was a kid I use to save all the bones from my fried chicken, take them into the shop when they were making fresh vanilla ice cream, and dig in. I would just go to town. Eat till I dropped. Now I’m lack toast a bit, so it had to stop. Figured, might as well go out with a bang. "Ice Cream Bones."

Me: The few songs on the new EP were recorded when you made the album... why didn't you just put them on the album?

Mike: All four of the songs on the new EP are B-sides to the record. It just disrupted the flow of the record. Plus, it would have been an extremely long debut album. I don’t know how well that goes over.

Me: How many other songs did you leave off?

Mike: We record 70+ songs/ideas for "Meat Mountain" over the course of around 2 years. I’d say we have close to 50 pieces that were left off. We will, more then likely, never return to them.

Me: So, will there be a "Confetti Reprise Reprise" EP coming out or a "Meat Mountain Reprise" coming out?

Mike: Watch it.

Me: I cannot describe your music, Mike, can you? And what other bands are you into?

Mike: I would describe it as rock/pop music I guess. We never really wanted to go for a certain sound or genre, and we try to stay pretty true to that, but the older the band gets we know what we can and can’t do, ya know? We are always buying new instruments and trying new things though. As far as other bands go, we are all into a wide variety of music, and I feel it really helps us draw inspiration. For me, Talking Heads, Brad Mehldau, Fela Kuti, Gabor Szabo, and Bola Sete to name a few of the last things I listened to.

Me: And being from Chicago, I have to ask, you guys must listen to the blues, right?

Mike: Yeah. I grew up listening to a lot of Buddy Guy, Muddy Waters, Holin’ Wolf, etc… Blues runs pretty deep around Chicago.

Me: Another thing I have to ask... Ashwin's last name is Deepanker, which sounds like a name from the Star Wars films, what is the origin do you know, Mike?

Mike: Ashwin was born in India without a last name. When his family came to America his father chose the name Deepanker. It means “seed of light." Ashwin means “friendly." Friendly Seed of Light.

Me: Ahhh. I know you have to go already, thanks so much for being on the Phile, Mike. Go ahead and plug your website and anything else you wanna. Thanks again.

Mike: Our site is and you can get to everywhere else from there. Also free music downloads. Thanks so much. Hope all is well.

Me: Thanks. Take care.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Mike Brown for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Sandra Nasić from the German band Guano Apes. So, spread the word, not the tied. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker