Saturday, February 1, 2014

Pheaturing The Howe Twins

Rabbit.  Hello, and welcome back to the Phile. It's back, kids! Did you miss me? I had a nice staycation last weekend hanging out with my sister Lucy and her family. And now it's back to business.  we have a lot to catch up on so let's get into it.  A Seattle woman named Amanda Knox seems oddly reluctant to accept an all-expense-paid 28 year trip to Italy, despite the fact that her last trip there in 2007 was so eventful it made national papers. Maybe it's because she seems to have something called "double jeopardy" here in the states. For those confused by the Amanda Knox ruling, keep in mind that Italy functions under the very same constitution as "Game of Thrones'.  While on a radio show the other day, Jerry Seinfeld confirmed a "Seinfeld" reunion, featuring all the show's main characters. According to the comedian, the project will be "short-ish" and will drop "very, very soon." He did not however say during which quarter of the Super Bowl it will be seen or which product it will be hawking.  Pope Francis recently became the first of 266 popes to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. It's worth noting that Pope Honorius II, who headed the Catholic Church from 1124 to 1130, came very close to being chosen for the cover, but since the magazine was not founded until 837 years after his death, that idea was ultimately nixed.  A man in clown make-up and costume has been been scaring the shit out of Melbourne, Australia residents lately by following them around and threatening them with a gun. This seems slightly odd, but... Australia. So, who knows?  A Vancouver, Washington man recently had the unpleasant experience of being inside a wood chipper, attempting to clear a blockage apparently, when a co-worker turned the machine on. He then had the more unpleasant experience of maintaining consciousness for the entire ten seconds it took to pass through the machine's workings. He is currently dealing with the extremely unpleasant experience of surviving his multitudinous injuries. Do you know what the most common near death experience is? Life.  If you had "Almost Immediately" in your office When Is Justin Bieber Going Back To Jail pool, it's time to collect your winnings! Bieber turned himself in to Toronto police a few nights ago and was charged with assaulting a limo driver after a Maple Leafs hockey game in December.  Same sex marriage is now officially sanitized and boring. The Disney Channel premiered its first-ever set of gay parents on Sunday night's episode of the sitcom "Good Luck Charlie". The anti-marriage equality website, One Million Moms... which seems to be in complete denial about having lost this culture war stated that "Disney should stick to entertaining instead of pushing an agenda." It seems pretty clear that they are doing neither. Did you watch the Grammys Sunday? If you didn't, here is a run down... During the Grammy Award ceremony, French electropop band Daft Punk was handed awards for both record of the year and album of the year, Queen Latifah married several dozen gay and straight couples on stage, and Paul McCartney reunited with his former bandmate Ringo Starr to perform a song off his new album. Also, several other things happened. It was a long show. I don't know too much about Daft Punk but my son is into them. I wondered who they are and then saw a picture of them and now I know. Check it out.

That's just wrong! Isn't one of them dead? So, I just mentioned Justin Bieber and I have to talk about something.

Look at that cutie! He's like a middle schooler on picture day! This might be the best picture he's taken in months. He spends day after day trying to be street, looking more like an attempted badass in every photo. Then he finally goes to jail, gets dressed up in the orange jumpsuit and everything, and he flashes the photographer a smile that makes him look like every mama's dream child. You blew it, Justin! This was your shot to truly own your bad boy cred. You could have thrown on a scowl, lidded your eyes, maybe asked one of the female guards for an eyebrow pencil to draw on a mustache. But no, this pic looks like you could get shivved by the Brady Bunch. Now you finally get your first arrest (of many), and what do you give us? Quit playing with our hearts. Either be a trainwreck bad boy, or drop all the bullshit and be America's dreamboat. PS: Easy on the weed. It's doing a number on your skin. Protect the pores! There. I've been waiting to get that off my chest for a week now.  So, do you like video games? I know my son does and I bet Justin does. Anyway, there's a new "Grand Theft Auto" game that is only available in England... and I have an exclusive picture of it it.

Hey, I'm English... and can make fun of English people if I want.  Hey, let's see what kind of bullshit we can expect from Justin Bieber today.

Fantastic!  So, one thing I love about certain magazines is how they show a celebrities picture with and without makeup, so I thought it'll be fun to do that here on the Phile. Here we go...

Well, as you know the Superb Owl is tomorrow... I don't wanna say Super Bowl, I might get sued. Shit! I said it. Anyway, it's tomorrow and over the years there has been some controversial ads, so I thought it would be fun to show one right here on the Phile.

This much discussed Focus on the Family ad tells the story of a woman who contracted amoebic dysentery and, despite doctor's advice, chose not to terminate her pregnancy. The son she gave birth to grew up to be college football star Tim Tebow. Exciting, right? Okay, let's see who started pushing up daisies.

Maximilian Schell
Dec 8, 1930 - Feb 1, 2014
Maxed out.

Pete Seeger
May 3, 1919 - Jan 27, 2014
Where have all the folkies gone?

Claudio Abbado
June 26, 1933 - Jan 20, 2014
Never heard of him? How have you not heard of him? He won the Grand cross of the L├ęgion d'honneur, Bundesverdienstkreuz for chrissakes. Try reading the paper every once in a while. Sheesh.

Okay, if you spot the Mindphuck email me at Alright, before we continue I have to mention something. Long time readers of the Phile know I grew up in Port Jefferson, Long Island. Well, in Port Jeff they now have the Port Jeff Brewing Company. Here's a picture of it.

I don't know when I'll be back in Port Jeff so a few months ago I had a great idea... if I mentioned and plugged the Brewing Company here on the Phile they might send me some free beer or at least a t-shirt... XXL or a baseball cap, or a coaster. I mentioned the Port Jeff Brewing Company twice and have not heard back from them, and received nothing. But, I will not give up. So, if you're in Port Jeff go to Port Jeff Brewing Co. and try the Schooner Ale Dry-Hopped with Sorachi Ace and Starboard Oatmeal Stout primed with Maple Syrup.

There. That might do it. Alright, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff in a pheature we call...

Me: Jeff, welcome back.

Jeff: As always it's good to be back on the Phile talking about the Super Bowl this year.

Me: I have to ask you about this Richard Sherman deal... I'm so stupid, when I first read something about Sherman going off I thought it was the musician songwriter Sherman who wrote the songs for Mary Poppins and other Disney things. Haha. What do you think of what Sherman said and acted? 

Jeff: As far as the Richard Sherman interview, I honestly feel like it has been taking completely out of context. They want to call him a thug for that? If people did research on Sherman they would see what kind of person he is. Quite honestly, if you just made a huge play to get your team to the Super Bowl and then got disrespected, you would probably be passionate too. NFL Networks had Sherman mic'ed up for the game. After the play he ran over to Crabtree (the receiver) and said nice game and got hit in the face. You would probably react the same way.

Me: You're probably right. What other news happened in the last two weeks football wise?

Jeff: There isn't much news outside of the new Pro Bowl rules, which was highly amusing. Most of the talk has been about if Peyton Manning will play another season, or ride off into the sunset after the Super Bowl. He has an appointment at the doctor's office to check his surgical repaired neck. We will know more about it afterwards.

Me: Okay. Are you tired like I am about people commenting on both teams going to the Super Bowl are from states with legalized weed?

Jeff: I haven't really seen much about the teams being from states that have legalized weed. I do know that both fans will probably have the munchies though.

Me: Haha. Yeah, you're right! Okay, so, how did we do with the last playoff picks? I was wrong I know.

Jeff: Lori and I both won our games two weeks ago. You picked San Fran in that game, so yeah. Lori and I have decided we had such good luck with our picks in the Championship Games that we would keep them.

Me: Oh... okay. So you say...?

Jeff: She has Seattle by 2 and I say Denver by 4.

Me: I say Denver by 5. Where are you two gonna be watching the Super Bowl, Jeff?

Jeff: We will be watching the game from the comforts of our home, what about you?

Me: Same. Alone. Drinking beer, watching the game.

Jeff: Are you excited for the team of Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers doing the half time show?

Me: Yeah, kinda. I don't know much about Bruno, but it'll be cool seeing him playing with the Peppers. I wonder if Flea will wear a jacket. It's gonna be cold.

Jeff: I can't believe it's been 10 years since the Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake Nipple gate.

Me: That's been 10 years? Holy shit. Jeff, I'll talk to you and Lori next Saturday where we'll officially grant Lori the winner this year, talk about the Bowl, this years football highlights and more. Enjoy the game!

Jeff: We will see you next week to crown Lori champion!

It's 3:23 pm, 73°F and Kelly looks drunk and hot in a balloon hat.

And what the hell is she holding? Okay, so, with Justin Bieber's mess he's going through, I wondered what a certain phriend of the Phile has to say about him. He's a patriot and a renaissance man. You know what time it is.

About the recent arrest of Justin Beiber for punching his driver/bodyguard in the back of the head, those who know me well are already laughing... I only wish he had been sitting behind me. It would have had a completely different outcome. I would have foregone suing him, winding up on TMZ, having everybody know me breifly as being the guy who bitch slapped that spoiled little pop cherub. I'd then strap him to the hood like a deer and drive through Times Square with him bloodied and screaming like a 4 year old girl on a roller coaster. Any Fed snipers in town working The Super Bowl detail. Do me a favor and put one right behind my left ear. Quick... gets the job done... shuts me right off like a light switch.

The 27th artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery is Steven Thomas and this is one of his pieces...

Steven will be a guest on the Phile a week from today.

Fellas, you owe me big! Haha. Today's pheatured guests are two models from England who have been in Playboy, on Playboy Radio, videos with 50 Cent and Chris Brown and the BBC show "Snog, Marry, Avoid". Please welcome to the Phile Carla and Melissa... also known as The Howe Twins!

Me: Hello, ladies, welcome to the Phile. All I can say is wow! How are you?

Melissa: Hello there. Yes, we are good.

Carla: Thanks :)

Me: So, which one of you is older?

Melissa: Out of the two of us I am older.

Me: You're from England, right? What part?

Carla: Yes, we are from the U.K. just on the outskirts of London by High Wycombe.

Me: I was born in London, but grew up in New York and I have been in Florida for 26 years. Ever been to Orlando?

Melissa: We have been to Orlando years ago when we are younger. We stayed In Key West which was amazing.

Me: Where do you live now? California or still in England?

Carla: We Are currently living in Los Angeles, Hollywood but we also travel when needed for work projects :)

Me: How old were you two when you first came to America and what was the first thing State you went to?

Melissa: We first came to America when we were 18 and we went to New York as the first destination.

Me: So, did you both wanna be models growing up?

Melissa: Growing up we always were obsessed with modeling, acting and music. We would put on talent shows in the garden of our house and invite are friends over to watch us dance, sing and act. LOL.  

Me: I guess you two are very close, am I right?

Melissa: Yes, we are both very tight but we have the occasional fallout put it that way. LOL.

Me: Do you always work together?

Carla: We have stages where we do individual projects but the real heat... magic comes out when we work together.

Me: You have been in some videos, mostly rap videos for some reason which I'll ask about in a minute. You were in a 50 Cent video, and a Chris Brown video. First of, which guy treated you better?

Melissa: Well, it was very proffessional on both sets we would say it was equal they are both great artists to hae worked with.

Me: Did you have to audition for these videos and what did you do in them?

Carla: Yes, for are appearence in 50's video we were called into the G-Unit offices in New York where we met with a casting director...

Melissa: And for Chris Brown's we were reached out to by a friend.

Me: Like I said, you did some rap videos, girls. Is that your favorite type of music? If I could I would place you both in a countey video.

Carla: We love experimenting with the type of projects we work on, although we love the rap videos we have appeared in rock video for Hollywood Undead "Comin' in Hot" video which you can check out :)

Me: You also worked with Snoop Dog, right? I bet have a picture of you, Melissa, with Snoop...

Me: I bet he treated you both really good.

Melissa: Yes, we have a lot of love for Snoop. He's humble, and has a lot of time for people.

Me: I could tell. Haha. Melissa, you used to be in a girl group called Girl Passion, am I right? Who else was in that group with you?

Melissa: I was in a girl band at school... haha... yes, with four other girls. I was the lead and we all wrote songs, danced and performed together. It was a lot of fun at the time... LOL.

Me: Did you release any music?

Melissa: No, I did not release any music... hahah.  

Me: Do you both sing?

Carla: No, we do not sing.

Me: Okay, I have to talk about Playboy before you go. When did you both first meet the Hef, and what did you call him?

Melissa: We both met Hef a while ago. Not too sure the exact date but we refer to him as Hef.

Me: Well, I know you two have to go, so thank you so much for being on the Phile. Why don't you mention your websites real quick and please come back again soon.

Melissa: Thank you. Our website is  Twitter @TheHowetwins,  Facebook: The Howe Twins.

Me: Thanks, and please come back.

Man... I wish that interview was longer. Maybe they will come back soon. Anyway, thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz, Laird Jim and of course Melissa and Carla Howe. The Phile will be back tomorrow with the gorgeous singer Carla Pearce and on Monday with the equally gorgeous Jonathan Burks. Haha. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever!

Monday, January 20, 2014

Pheaturing Lauren McCullough

Hello, and welcome to the Phile and Happy Martin Luther King Day. Is that something you should say today? Anyway, MLK worked his ass off, got stabbed in the chest, was jailed a ton of times, even died... for black rights. And this is what we get...

Alright, moving on...  The post-racial post-gender era of American history officially kicked off Saturday night after Sasheer Zamata made her debut as "Saturday Night Live's" first black female cast member since Maya Rudolph left the show in 2007. It's probably much easier for Sasheer Zamata to be funny on "SNL" while being saddled with the pressure of representing an entire race/gender. According to new studies, diabetes, liver cancer and erectile dysfunction are just a few of the newly-discovered dangers that you will be actively ignoring while standing outside in the cold trying inhale a cigarette about 20 minutes from now. Is smoking actually bad for you? COMING UP: A special report that fucks you around for a while before finally confirming that it still is...  In an effort to assuage foreigners that their gay athletes will face no dangers while in Russia for the 2014 Winter Olympics, Vladimir Putin revealed that he is so okay with homosexuals that he even allows a select few to penetrate his ears with their beautifully-crafted piano pop ballads. Haha. Putin revealed that he's totally cool with gay people named "Elton John".  A 77 year old Florida Walmart customer was arrested for beating a disabled 65 year old fellow customer for entering the "20 Items Or Less" express lane with 22 items, a clear betrayal of the social contract.  A new study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition shows that your child's obesity problem might not be caused by fast food restaurants like McDonald's so much as all the other parenting decisions you made.  Did you hear the story of Madonna calling her son the N-word on Instagram? Well, it did not go well for her. So, this was a bad idea. I don't know exactly how Madonna thought this was a good idea, but I'm pretty sure any common sense she once had has been locked up in an English castle for 20 years now. I will say that when I first read the story, I was somehow relieved that it was one of her white children. Then, I was more confused, and wasn't sure if I should be more upset that it was one of her white children. Then I was mad at myself for not knowing the right answer. Not as mad as other people were, though. I have a feeling that Madonna will get off the hook on this one... not completely unscathed, but less damaged than most celebs would be... because many people are probably as confused as I am. Why did the use of the word enter her mind at all? Did she think that adopting children from Africa somehow gave her slang powers? That would make no sense, but I'm just trying to get inside the Kabbala-lined fortress of her mind. Did she somehow make that stupidest of Caucasian mistakes, thinking converting the -er into an -a would somehow make the word friendly and playful? All I know is that her first response was indignant and defensive...

That is, until her rep Liz Rosenberg woke up Saturday morning and presumably freaked the eff out over this. Madonna issued this statement through Rosenberg: "I am sorry if I offended anyone with my use of the N word on Instagram. It was not meant as a racial slur.. I am not a racist. There's no way to defend the use of the word. It was all about intention... it was used as a term of endearment toward my son who is white. I appreciate that it's a provocative word and I apologize if it game people the wrong impression. Forgive me." Well, that settles it, then. A little of the old "sorry if I offended anyone," a little of the old "there's no way to defend it" followed immediately by "it was all about intention." Ah, celebrity apologies. You just can't get stuff like that anywhere else. Except in Congress, every day. Don't use the N-Word, people. You are very unlikely to come up with a convincing excuse.  I love Jennifer Lawrence, that girl is everywhere. I was watching that Miley Cyrus "Wrecking Ball" video again and I didn't know Jennifer was in it. Take a look...

So, NBC announced that the next musical on TV around Christmas time will be "Peter Pan". And they are gonna use another "American Idol" alum, and I have the exclusive who it's gonna be. No, not Kelly. I wish.

That's gonna be good. Haha. It looks like Stephen Colbert is gonna play John. That does look like him, right.  Today as I said is Martin Luther King Day and they released a special inspirational poster about him today.

Alright, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Similarities And Differences Between The Benghazi Attack And The Egg Attack On Justin Bieber's Neighbor
5. Law enforcement officials reacted quickly to investigate the incident.
4. Its perpetrators have a minimal grasp on the English language.
3. It was strongly condemned by the American Egg Board.
2. Those responsible will ultimately get off scot-free.
And the number one similarity and difference between the Benghazi attack and the egg attack is...
1. It's getting waaaay too much media attention. 

If you spot the Mindphuck email me at Okay, so last week and the last two days I have been telling you that over at they were running an Ultimate Classic Rock Hall of Fame battle and the first round was Styx versue Foghat. Unfortunately Styx won. Thanks everybody who voted. Alright, it's MLK dDay, and a phriend of the Phile wanted to say something about him. He's a patriot and renaissance man and phriend of the Phile... please welcome back for a record three days in the row... Laird Jim in a pheature we call...

Good morning humans... I am overcome by this thought. I hope you remember why you are off today, why the schools and banks are closed today. I hope you take time out of your busy day off to go on the Internet and look up some quotes by Martin Luther King Jr. This was a man who tirelessly and peacefully fought for the idea that we are all equal regardless of our skin color, religeous beliefs or sexual orientation. That we should love and protect each other (no matter what) because WE are all we've got. This man had much to say... it's a pity he was silenced before he had a chance to see how far we've come... and to have helped us push even further. But you humans never listen to those who wish to better your world... Jesus Christ... JFK... MLK... John Lennon... and so on. You brand them as trouble makers and then you kill them. When will you ever learn?

Well said, Laird, well said. Okay, the 27th artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery is Steven Thomas and this is one of his pieces...

Man, anybody who does a "Thunderbirds" piece is cool with me. Anyway, Steven will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's pheatured guest is someone really special. She is a cancer patient who writes an amazing blog called The Not-Dying Girl. Please welcome to the Phile... Lauren McCullough.

Me: Hello, Lauren, welcome to the Phile. I am so glad you are here. How are you?

Lauren: Hey! I am doing pretty well.

Me: Okay, I have to admit, this is slightly a different interview than I have done in the past. I have interviewed a lot of musicians, authors, artists, a talking rat, a talking gnu and a super hero... all true, but this is the first interview with someone as inspirational and amazing as you are. And I mean that. Anyway, I first learnt about you when someone on Facebook posted a news story on you on their page. Have you been doing a lot of interviews, Lauren?

Lauren: I have been doing a few interviews lately, mostly asking about how I manage to stay so positive throughout my second diagnosis of cancer.

Me: I started to read your blog The Not-Dying Girl, and let me tell you, a few times you made me cry. I have been doing this stupid little blog for eight years and I have no idea why. I am kinda addicted to it. When I started it was for shits and giggles. You, on the other hand, have a blog which will give a lot of people hope. For the readers that don't know, can you tell them what The Not-Dying Girl blog is about?

Lauren: Well, I guess I needed to get my feelings out about my situation one way or another! I am not the most vocal about my worries or pains, and my blog is the medium for it. The blog then kind of blossomed into speaking my mind (because I guess you kinda have to when you are given a horrible prognosis), trying to change people's perspectives on life, and raising childhood cancer awareness.

Me: When did you first start to write it, Lauren, and what was the reason you wanted to write it? 

Lauren: I started writing my blog in May or June of 2013, after my cancer, Ewing's Sarcoma, relapsed and was worse than ever. I felt the need to write about how I was feeling so I could kind of leave something behind and it was a way to relieve the stress about being told that I would not be living for too much longer.

Me: You put a lot of work into it, does it take you long to do one entry?

Lauren: Oh my goodness it takes forever to write each entry! Normally, it takes about three hours to write one entry. I always write my blog entries in one sitting and just let the words flow. I never look at what I have written and sometimes forget exactly what I had just written. Kind of like how some actors simply cannot watch their movies because they are their worst critics.

Me: You are VERY honest on what you write, which is amazing. Have you ever written anything, posted it and regret saying what you said?

Lauren: Um, I don't really regret what I say in any of my entries because everything comes from the heart and from spur-of-the-moment feelings. I think that is what makes everything so real.

Me: Does your family read it? What do they think?

Lauren: My family does read my blog! They really enjoy reading things from my perspective and sometimes get slightly embarrassed about how blunt I am, but they laugh about it.

Me: I was thinking all your entries should be put into a book and be sold. Did you ever think of that? Your book would sell, Lauren.

Lauren: I have thought about writing a book! I want to reach out to as many people as possible. Soon enough I am sure I will put a lot more effort into starting one, well I have a few pages right now. I write a whole lot more in the hospital because there aren't as many things for me to do!

Me: Lauren, where are you from?

Lauren: I am from Elk Grove, California! I have lived here basically my whole life!

Me: You're in college, right? Where do you go to school?

Lauren: I am not currently enrolled in college due to how unpredictable my health is, and that every month I have one week of chemotherapy. But I went to Diablo Valley College, a junior college in the Bay Area, for the swim team.

Me: Swimming...? Is that something you want to do professionally? Would you want to be a swimmer in the Olympics?

Lauren: I am a swimmer and I have been swimming since I was 12. I have been swimming almost all of the time since I started, minus the year of my first diagnosis and I have not been able to really compete since May 2013. I would definitely love to swim at a University, but it is not something that I would get any farther in than college. Oh, and I would be doing masters swimming after the college years are over (or now, just at my own pace). It is incredibly hard to get any money out of swim, but coaching is something I like to do! As for the Olympics, I will be honest, I would have to devote my entire life to swim and my body and mind cannot handle it. Even then, I would not be good enough for the Olympics, although I might make Olympic Trials given that I were to dedicate every waking hour to swimming, eating right, and sleeping. That just isn't going to happen!

Me: Do you have a favorite swimmer or inspiration?

Lauren: I would have to say the swimmers whom I look up to the most are Summer Sanders, Natalie Coughlin, and Missy Franklin.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your cancer, Lauren. Both of my parents passed away from cancer in 2000, so it has been a big part of my life. Not as big as yours though. Tell the readers what kind of cancer do you have?

Lauren: I have Ewing's Sarcoma, a rare pediatric bone/ soft tissue cancer. It is super aggressive and unpredictable, is not passed down through genetics, and only about 250 people are diagnosed each year. I am one of those unlucky few!

Me: You were just 18 when you found out you had cancer, am I right? You're 21 now, so you have been fighting for a few years. When you were first diagnosed, what was the first thing you thought? Do you remember?

Lauren: I have to say, when I was 18 and was still getting my tests done, my freakout moment was when I was told that my biopsy was going to be scheduled in a specialty center and that my original biopsy had been canceled (I did not have to go to the hospital that specialized in the leg surgery) and that I had "a long road ahead of me". Yeah, that did not sit well with me. I started crying and was then told by my mom that my tumor in the leg was 10 inches long instead of being the size of a walnut like she had originally told me. So after my biopsy, I kind of knew that I had cancer. I know my body well and this was no injury that I had caused. Something did not feel right, I did not cry when I was diagnosed officially because I was prepared for what I was going to feel.

Me: I am sure your family has been a big support. How are they, and how did they the news?

Lauren: My family has been so good to me! I think they are handling it the same way that I am... they aren't thinking about it. We just go with the flow and make the most of the time we get to spend together.

Me: Do you still swim, Lauren? I am guessing it's really hard to do now, am I right?

Lauren: I have not been in the pool recently, unfortunately. I am hoping that after my next chemo I will feel well enough to soak for a while!

Me: Before your hair fell out, you dyed it green. I have a picture of you with green hair I have to show.

Me: Did you always want green hair?

Lauren: I actually just dyed my hair teal just because I could! I knew it was going to fall out so I decided to have fun with it.

Me: You have a long bucket list, and have been going through it. On your bucket list you said you wanted tattoos, and now you have them. You have a giant scorpion on your back that looks 3D. I have to show a picture of that as well...

Me: You also have a lock on your ankle, right? Do those two mean anything?

Lauren: I got the scorpion on my back because it represents me. Tough on the outside, but soft on the inside. They survive in the harshest of conditions. Pretty to look at, but if you mess with me you will get "stung". They also glow in the dark, which is pretty cool. My mom got the locket and keys on her ankle to represent that my brother and I are the keys to her heart.

Me: I have four tattoos, and they didn't really hurt getting them. When you got yours, did they hurt? 

Lauren: My tattoo did not hurt too bad at first, but when you are like four hours in, your body gets a little tired of having the same spot opened up over and over again. I also have a high pain tolerance so I am sure that helped a little!

Me: Another thing you wanted to do that is on the list is fall in love... and eventually get married. Well, you did that and got married. I saw the wedding video and let me tell you I cried. Man, you did warn the reader they should have their Kleenex ready. And I have to say, you made a beautiful bride.

Me: What's your husband's name?

Lauren: Haha... well I haven't fallen in love but I had a beautiful ceremony! I feel so uncomfortable watching that video because I hate seeing myself so emotional! So many people have told me that they were moved by the video. And my "husband" is in the Navy and his name is Egor.

Me: Was it a big wedding?

Lauren: The wedding had over 200 people there, so I guess you could say it was fairly large! It was everything that I could have wanted, minus it being on the beach. Other than that it was perfect!

Me: Another thing on your list is learn bar tending. That's an usual one. You got to do that for your 21st birthday, am I right? Was that fun?

Lauren: Learning to bar-tend was so much fun! I think it is a cool skill to know and is fun to show off, it was the best way to spend my 21st!

Me: What other stuff do you have on your list, Lauren?

Lauren: I do have a lot of things on my bucket list that I still have to accomplish, I am just taking things in stride and when I can fit things in given my health. Most of my items on the list revolve around food somehow. I am still working on adding more random things to the list.

Me: Recently you hosted an UFC fight. How did that come about? Are you an UFC fan?

Lauren: I didn't host the UFC event, but I got awesome seats and a great experience! It just so happens that one of the vice-presidents of the UFC has a brother who reads my blog and read that I have taken a liking to MMA. That was that! I was able to present the championship belt for the world flyweight championship. That was unexpected and really amazing.

Me: That wasn't on your bucket list, was it? Haha.

Lauren: It was not on my bucket list! But it was so cool either way!

Me: Lauren, on the Phile I ask random questions thanks to Tabletopics. Are you ready? This is 100% random... what's the last thing you cried about? Man, that's a dumb one. You can answer it if you want, but here's another one... when did your family come to this country and from where? I wanna say Scotland for you. I'm from England and my family first came to this country in 1974.

Lauren: I will answer both questions! The last time I cried was actually on my birthday when my blood draw did not go well and I got poked four times before I finally left without the sample. No fun! Um, gosh... My grandma knows all about my ancestry! But my grandma on my dad's side is originally from Denmark, although my last name is indeed Scottish, from my dad's dad's side of the family. I THINK on my mom's side we had someone come over on one of the three original ships that came to America and that he owned a store.

Me: That's cool. Lauren, I know you're busy, and probably very tired. Thank you so much for being on the Phile. Your story is amazing, and everybody should read your blog. I'd rather them read your blog than this one. I have to say, I'm a pretty miserable person and complain and whine quite a bit, about the smallest things in my life. In your photos, with everything you've been through, you are always smiling and you are so positive. Have you always been this way, even before you got sick?

Lauren: Honestly, I have never been much of a complainer. But now I am even more critical of people who complain about aches and pains than ever. I think that when you get diagnosed with cancer you have to just go along with what life throws at you.

Me: I bet you were a happy girl growing up. Am I right?

Lauren: I was an extremely happy girl growing up! I realize now that I have grown up that I was super lucky to have the family that I have.

Me: Lauren, I know you have tons of websites and stuff to plug. Go ahead and mention them all, and anything else you wanna.

Lauren: Alright, here are some of the links to organizations that I like:,,,

Me: You're in my prayers, Lauren, good luck and please come back in a few months to give us an update on how you are doing. Will you do that?

Lauren: I would love to give you an update a few months from now to see what I have been up to and how I have been doing! Thank you for interviewing me! Let's spread childhood cancer awareness and spread around positive energy (although the two don't go together very well!)

Me: I agree, Lauren. Take care, and stay strong. You are truly an inspiration!

There. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Lauren McCullough. Please go to her blog and grab a box of tissues. Okay, there's not gonna be an entry of the Phile next weekend as I'll be on vacation. So, the next entry will be on February 1st with the Howe Twins and then on the 2nd it's singer Carly Pearce and on the 3rd musician Jonathan Burks. That's the plan anyway. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Pheaturing Aradia

Hello, and welcome to the Phile. How are you? It's so cold right now here in Central Florida, I wish I had a cup of warm tea. That's me complaining. How are you? Right now here in Central Florida it's 39°F just in case you're wondering.  A federal judge on Friday struck down as unconstitutional a North Carolina law that requires female state residents to both receive an ultrasound and then listen to somebody describe the image to her, preferably with one of those really sad Sarah McLaughlin songs playing in the background.  A Texas man was arrested and charged with "waving a homemade sign" for standing on the highway and holding a board reading "Police Ahead" to alert drivers of a speed trap a short distance up the road. The man claims that he was simply acting as a human sign post: "I'm the same thing as a speed limit sign, just reminding people that there is a limit here." You know, I always thought before a cop gives you a speeding ticket, they should at least have to listen to the song you had on.  A feminist website called Jezebel is feminist-ically offering a $10,000 reward for anybody who can produce un-Photoshopped images from actor-writer-director Lena Dunham's recent spread in Vogue so that they can show the world what she really looks like... despite the fact that she shows the world what she really looks like when she gets naked every week on "Girls"... thus improving life for women everywhere. Reactions are mixed. Wait a minute. I want to see this spread in Vogue. At least ons picture.

There we go. Moving on...  A 66 year old California woman lost more than $500,000 of her retirement money to a Nigerian scammer that she met through the Christian Mingle website. So, people are using religious institutions to steal money from people nowadays? When did this start happening?!  Hey, I didn't talk Oscars yet this weekend, did I? American Hustle and Nebraska are among the several dozen Oscar nominees for Best Picture of 2013. The exclusive list... which also includes 12 Years a Slave, Philomena and Captain Phillips was announced to much industry excitement. The Wolf of Wall Street and Gravity are among the other films that may take home the iconic golden statuette in March. Several movies were not nominated. Easiest way to make the 2014 Oscars sound interesting: "It's pirates versus astronauts versus sideboob!"  According to a recent study out of the University of Melbourne, magical bullshit like psychic powers and fortune telling hoohah are not real and likely the result of people's brains playing tricks on them. But you probably knew they were going to say that, didn't you? Subpoenas will likely be issued to many members of Chris Christie's staff for their roles in, and the knowledge they may have of, the politically motivated traffic nightmare that occurred on the George Washington Bridge in New Jersey back in September. Just imagine the size of the traffic jam they're gonna cause in retaliation for this.  Two Ohio pot dealers were arrested after calling the police to report that a gang of teenagers with whom they'd met to play-fight with swords in a Taco Bell parking lot... had assaulted them with pepper spray and run off with their stash. This is the life they chose to live.  J.C. Penney will be closing 33 of its department stores around the nation, which will probably only affect you if you're one of the 2,000 people losing their jobs or if you happen to need to buy a cheap turtle neck sweater. Actually, I like J.C. Penney... they sell some cool t-shirts there. There's one here in Clermont, I wonder if that's closing down.  Yesterday I mentioned that the Professor from "Gilligan's Island" passed away. His name was Russell Johnson... anyway, I didn't know they released an inspirational poster with the Professor on it.

Haha. Didn't Laird Jim make a comment about the Professor last Saturday on the Phile's 8th anniversary entry? I think Laird said "if the Professor on "Gilligan's Island" was so fucking smart, how come he couldn't fix a three foot hole in the boat on an island full of trees? Ha! Maybe Laid wrote the text on the inspirational poster.  So, there's a new band coming out that I am sure Gene Simmons has something to do with.

That's so dumb.  One of the things I like to do in my spare time is to go on Twitter and see what people are talking about on certain things. One of the words I look up is Foghat and this is a Tweet I saw recently...

Was that a real "Futurama" episode? I think Tim is lying. Alright, speaking of Foghat, the folks over at are running an Ultimate Classic Rock Hall of Fame battle. This week it's Styx versus Foghat...

Let's see how Foghat is doing.

There doesn't seem much of a change. Anyway, today is the last day to vote and you have until 11:59pm ET to vote. So, go to and rock the vote! And now, from the home office in Port Jefferson, here is...

Top Phive Alex Rodriguez's Stats On His 2014 Baseball Card
5. Seasons of "Breaking Bad" binged-watched... 4.
4. Amount of money saved, not having to buy PEDs this year... $15,000.
3. Tosistos eaten, despite haven fallen on the floor... 19.
2. Pizza guys who have awkwardly accepted unwanted autograph... 9.
And the number one stat on A-Rod's 2014 baseball card is...
1. Prank calls made to Bud Selig... 48.

If you spot the Mindphuck email me at Okay, so, who cries a lot? I cry once in awhile... I'm a man, I admit it. Anyway, over the eight years on the Phile I hopefully made you laugh and I know sometimes I made you angry or mad, but I thought I never made you cry. So, people, I don't really want to make you cry, but I need to get some kind of emotion out of you. So, here's a new pheature I call...

When some kids left this note to track down the owner of a forgotten skateboard that they could’ve easily stolen.

Are you crying? Shit. I'm such a wuss. Haha. Okay, so, do you know what time it is? He's a patriot and renaissance man. Please welcome back to the Phile Laird Jim because it's...

Good morning humans... Laying in bed, letting my mind wander on this Sunday morn. Here's the random path my mind chose today. They say that God created the heavens and earth in six days and on the seventh day he rested. Well... I'm just picturing God doing bong hits on the couch in his sweats and Led Zeppelin t-shirt, playing XBox "Call Of Duty", surrounded by empty Dominos pizza boxes and cans of Dr. Pepper. And if you think THAT'S the only reason I'm going to hell, you obviously haven't been paying attention to the rest of my antics since my divorce four years ago. Enjoy your "day of rest", my twisted little meat puppets.

Today's pheatured guest is a talented singer whose two latest releases "Possibilities:Dark" and "Possibilities:Light" are now available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Aradia.

Me: Hello, Aradia, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Aradia: Hello, thanks for having me! I’m doing well... busy, but good.

Me: That's a pretty name, Aradia. What does it mean?

Aradia: Thank you! I honestly don’t know for sure, but it’s been referenced as the name of the Goddess Diana’s Daughter (from Roman mythology).

Me: I have to tell you, you are beautiful and gorgeous, you don't have to dress up and put all that make up on. I saw this picture of you to prove it.

Me: Do you like dressing up and trying different styles?

Aradia: Wow, well thank you! I dress up and put makeup on because it’s fun, and lets me be whoever I want to be that day or moment. I’ve always been into futuristic, sci-fi, and fantasy dress & makeup... it’s a way to become what we imagine and I often feel more at home in the fantasy world. I also believe that self-adornment is a very basic human practice, and should be done from a place of positivity and love for one’s self... to highlight beauty, not to artificially create it.

Me: Have you always been into dressing up?

Aradia: Pretty much! Since childhood I’ve been making my own clothing and costumes, buying odd pieces in thrift stores and sometimes altering them into new things, and dressing up for fun and for performances.

Me: Aradia, where are you from?

Aradia: I grew up in New York, mostly in Long Island and Brooklyn.

Me: I grew up on Long Island as well. Where do you live now, Aradia?

Aradia: I live in Seattle. I miss New York a lot, but Seattle’s a pretty special place.

Me: Have you always been a solo artist or did you spend time in different bands?

Aradia: When I was a teenager I was in a few bands, and then I was in a band called Twelfth Planet. I’ve been solo on and off for a while, but it’s become a permanent thing over the last couple of years. 

Me: Your music has been described as roktronika. If I had to guess I'd say that is a combination of rock and electronica music. Am I right?

Aradia: Yep! You’re exactly right.

Me: Did you come up with that yourself?

Aradia: I did. It’s shorter than the description!

Me: Who are your influences, Aradia? I hear a little of Bjork in your music, but very little.

Aradia: Good ear! I’m definitely influenced by Bjork, as well as others. My darker album "Possibilities:Dark" has more of that flavor. Other influences for me are Blondie, Goldfrapp, Annie Lennox and Cocteau Twins.

Me: Did you grow up listening to Madonna?

Aradia: Oh absolutely, and she’s a powerful influence for me, too.

Me: I interviewed a singer a few times here named Lila Rose. Do you know her? You two are pretty similar and would make some great music together. Anyway, I will tell you the same thing I told her once... years ago I could of interviewed Lady Gaga but somehow it slipped away. She got too big. Anyway, your music is a lot better than hers and I think you should be making Christmas specials with the Muppets and become bigger. Do you like Lady Gaga?

Aradia: Haha... that’s AWESOME. You must be psychic, because I’m an insane maniac Muppets fan. In fact, that’s one of my nicknames!! I really appreciate that compliment. I think Lady Gaga’s fascinating and her music is catchy, but I wouldn’t call myself a fan. I haven’t heard of Lila Rose, but I’ll be looking her up now!

Me: I asked Lila what she thought of Miley Cyrus and she said something like she was the trouble with music today. What do you think of Miley?

Aradia: Ah, the inevitable question. Miley’s fascinating, too. I’d love to have a conversation with her to hear what she really thinks and what she’s doing. I’ve read some really interesting quotes from her, like one where she mentions that the “industry” does things like bleep out when she said “molly” or the “f” word, but did nothing when she was on stage in her underwear acting like a sex maniac. It makes me curious, since this implies she’s aware of what she’s doing. Maybe she’s not exploiting herself, but the weaknesses of the masses.

Me: I agree. Okay, let's talk about your music. You have two EP's out... "Possibilities:Light" and "Possibilities:Dark". Which one came first?

Aradia: "Dark". I released that in December 2012.

Me: How would you compare them? Light and dark I'm guessing. Haha.

Aradia: Precisely. "Dark" is a collection of songs that reflect my more pensive moments and darker reflections on people, loneliness, and life in general. "Light" is really just that... it’s happy and while it’s still reflective it’s much more lighthearted and dancy.

Me: Were they recorded at the same time?

Aradia: Largely yes. I wrote & recorded "Trouble" & "Keep On" weeks before the "Light" release, but the others were recorded earlier.

Me: Are these your first releases, Aradia?

Aradia: They’re my first solo releases.

Me: I love the song "Today" and the video. Where was it filmed, Aradia?

Aradia: I’m so glad you like it! I filmed it at the school yard across the street from my house, as well as inside my house.

Me: You play two characters in it, am I right?

Aradia: That’s right, the me from the 80s and the sort of jaded me of the 21st century that needs to be reminded to have fun & be in “the now.”

Me: Aradia, you play a few instruments, am I right? Did you start playing young?

Aradia: Yes, I play piano, flute and guitar. I’m so pathetically rusty on piano though, it’s depressing. 

Me: What was the first instrument you learned to play?

Aradia: Piano was my first instrument. I started playing when I was 3, and flute when I was 8.

Me: Do you remember what the first song you ever wrote was?

Aradia: Haha, yes I actually do. It was the “Green Song.” I apparently have synesthesia, so colors always meant tunes to me.

Me: I have to ask you about this, you opened for Muse? When and where was this and was this the biggest show you have ever played?

Aradia: Yes, when I was with Twelfth Planet, we played a small “unplugged” show in Atlanta when Muse was playing. This wasn’t very publicized, so it wasn’t a very big show. My biggest show so far was the Chicago Auto Show in front of about 100,000 people. I almost died.

Me: I also have to ask you about the beautiful dog on the "Possibilities:Light" cover. Is that your husky?

Aradia: Yes! He’s actually a husky-wolf hybrid and he controls my household. Thanks for asking about him... he’s very special to me and in general.

Me: What is his name?

Aradia: His name is Khan as in, The Wrath of.

Me: Clever. He also has a brief cameo in the "Today" video as well I think, doesn't he?

Aradia: Yep! He was a little overwhelmed by all the people and action but he was determined to get on camera.

Me: Okay, so, on the Phile I ask random questions thanks to Tabletopics. Are you ready?

Aradia: Ready as I’ll ever be!

Me: Good. Is it more essential to develop beliefs or gain knowledge?

Aradia: Gain knowledge, definitely. Beliefs can become convictions, which can prevent us from learning and growing. Knowledge generally leads to more curiosity which drives us to learn more. A beautiful “vicious cycle!”

Me: Nice answer. Thanks for being on the Phile. Go ahead and mention your website or anything else you want to. Continued success and please come back soon.

Aradia: I’m honored to be here, thanks so much for inviting me to talk with you! My website is Join me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter where I don’t tweet about myself all day! and listen to my tunes on Soundcloud Lastly, you can find my albums on iTunes, Amazon, and most other online channels. Thanks again!

Me: Anytime, Aradia.

There you go, another entry of the Phile done. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and Aradia. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Lauren McCullough who has an amazing story you can read on her blog at Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever.