Monday, October 5, 2015

Pheaturing Alia Lorae

Hello, and welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? It's October so you know what that means... Merry Christmas! October is breast cancer awareness month, while breast awareness month os every month.  Let's start this entry with a story about man fired for farting too much at work.
Seventy year old Richard Clem was fired from Case Pork Roll Company for his excessive flatulence. The company, in Trenton, New Jersey, has been hit with federal lawsuits filed by Clem and his wife (who was also an employee) through the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. The employer said that the excessive odor was a disturbance for their employees and visitors to the office, and subsequently fired Clem. His wife, Louann, claimed in a court filing that her husband's termination was a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act because of his weight. At the time of his hire, Clem weighed about 420 pounds, but underwent gastric bypass surgery in October 2010. He claims his excessive gas is a result of the surgery. Apparently it is a common and not well-publicized side effect of the procedure, which sounds like a deal with the devil. Sure, you can lose a bunch of weight, but you'll fart forever and lose your job. Clem described the nightmare curse, "I couldn’t go out anywhere, go to the movies, to the market, you name it, without having to look for a bathroom everywhere I went." According to Louann, the president of Case Pork Roll Company was allegedly not sympathetic to Richard's condition. "This can’t go on. We can’t run an office and have visitors with the odor in the office. We have to do something about Rich." It sounds like Richard obviously could not control his condition, and his suit may have sound legal basis if they can prove his obesity is a condition that was disabling or perceived to be disabling by others. Clem is asking for three weeks worth of paid vacation and two years’ salary which he says will total about $250,000. Apparently you can bring home a lot of bacon when you work in pork rolls. As for the company, it's also understandable that they would part ways with an employee whose farts are so strong they overpower the scent of a pork rolls in New Jersey.  Andrew Wardle is not like most men... he has a show coming out on TLC. Also, he was born without a penis and his bladder on the outside of his body. The operation Andrew went through as a baby to put his bladder back where it belongs resulted in a lot of scarring and not much else... down there. After a wild teenage life and some despair, at 33 Andrew heard of an operation that could help him build a third leg. Out of his arm. Andrew told "People" about the process, which will also be the subject of his upcoming show: "I'm at the age where I really don't care. Since I hit 40, I don't care what people think or do." Congrats, dude. You've accomplished what most men never will: being cool with what you got.  Champion MMA fighter Ronda Rousey is taking the world by storm. Even BeyoncĂ© is quoting her. She has now crossed a line no female athlete ever has... Ronda is on the cover of "Men's Fitness." The editors of that magazine I have never read in my life have deemed her fit enough for the eyes of men. The world is changed. No one tells Ronda Rousey to smile, unless they want to get kicked in the throat. Not that she isn't beautiful, of course! But more than beautiful, she is... FIT AF.  According to new research from Dr. Ioana Ramia of the University of New South Wales in Australia, if you are between the ages of 30 and 65, you are absolutely not living your best life. This info is based on surveys from the office of Household, Income and Labor Dynamics. Even though we have always guessed this to be true, actually having it confirmed is kind of a bummer. What about all that stuff about women hitting their sexual peak at 40? Was that just a carrot to keep us going through our twenties? reports, "It then stays still low, but increases slightly, and is the highest around the age of 80," she said. "So that's something to look forward to." Hurray! We'll be happy when we're 80. Meanwhile, just grit your teeth and hang in there for almost 4 decades of being bummed out.  The Sistahs of the Reading Edge book club have filed an $11 million dollar racial discrimination lawsuit against the Napa Valley Wine Train after being asked to leave the tour in August for being too loud. The incident made headlines, particularly because the police were called to escort the women from the train. The club said their reputations were tarnished and that two of them were fired from their jobs after the incident. They filed the lawsuit despite an apology from the company's CEO and a pledge for enhanced sensitivity training for train employees. Club members felt those efforts came only in an effort to thwart negative publicity. The Napa Valley Wine Train published a post on Facebook shortly after the original incident, which they then quickly removed, "Following verbal and physical abuse toward other guests and staff, it was necessary to get our police involved. Many groups come on board and celebrate. When those celebrations impact our guests, we do intervene." Now the wine tour company can hop aboard the lawsuit train, because the sistahs have retained San Francisco lawyer Waukeen McCoy for their discrimination case. It is a well-established legal precedent that book clubs get drunk and laugh together. Very little reading is ever involved. If they win their case, they'll be able to afford a great bottle of wine wherever their travels may take them.  Did you see Donald Trump's new hair look this week? You had go have. Anyway, if you didn't, here it is...

Crazy, right?  When the Pope was here in the states he blessed so many people I believe, but there's something else he also blessed.

That's BB-8 from the news Star Wars movie in case you didn't know.  Speaking of Star Wars, not every idea George Lucas came up with was original. He stole some of his ideas from painters like Monet. And I have proof...

Yep. That is real. Just play along.  Like I said it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and what I did in the past is show you some breast cancer awareness posters. Well, I found a few more that I will share with you this month.

That's clever.  Do you kids like snacks? Well, through October I am gonna show you some snack hacks to prepare you for hibernating this fall in a new pheature simply called...

That's really lame. Anyway, here we go. This cupcake sandwich hack.

Do you eat enough cupcakes for this be useful? You're not alone. By the way, I do not like cupcakes. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this weeks...

Top Phive Things Overheard At President Obama's Meeting With Vladimir Putin
5. This man Trump, I do not like him. As gift to you, I have him killed, yes?
4. My English not so good... how you say, "You make we want to vomiting in my mouth?"
3. I haven't worn a smile this fake since Biden kept repeating that joke about the horny groundhog!
2. Just between you and me... the Pope said to tell you to go fuck yourself!
And the number one thing heard at Obama and Putin's meeting...
1. So what you said before about Trump... were you serious?

This a a really hard one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, it's Monday and time to talk football with my good friend Jeff in a pheature called...

Me: Jeff! Hey! How are you? Welcome back to the Phile!

Jeff: Hey Jason, it's great to be back on the Phile.

Me: How's your new book coming along?

Jeff: The new book is coming along great. I finished writing it last week and now I'm in the editing process. I'm almost done editing it, then I will give it to my editor to look for any errors that I missed. The release date is October 29th. So it's right around the corner.

Me: Alright, I haven't paid much attention to NFL news this week. I don't think much has happened, has it?

Jeff: As far as news, no you really haven't missed anything. Rumors are swirling that the Dolphins will be firing their head coach this week. But we will see if that's true. No major injuries in the last week, so that's always good.

Me: Yeah, the Dolphins are sucking. So... how did we do? I was in the lead by one point last week. 

Jeff: We both went 1-1 this week. But the difference is your Giants won this week, The Steelers could have won but they choked. Multiple times. So due to that fact, you gained an additional point on me. So you now lead by two points over me. Congratulations!

Me: Yeah! Let's do this weeks picks. I say Bears by 1 and Falcons by 4. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks for week 5 are Ravens by 3 and Broncos by 4 points.

Me: Okay, see ya next week. When your book is out I'll have you back as a pheatured guest.

Jeff: That sounds good to me. I look forward to it! See you next week!

October is the Houston Astros' biggest rival.

Today's pheatured guest is a singer whose new EP "Rumors" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Alia Lorae.

Me: Hello, Alia, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Alia: Doing well. Keeping very busy. Thank you so much for having me!

Me: So, I am 46 years old and I never heard anyone named Alia before. That is I don't think I have. What does it mean?

Alia: Usually when people hear my name, they think there are a few extra “Y”s and “H”s in there. Mine is the utilitarian spelling of the name. It’s Hebrew and Arabic in origin, and means, “to ascend.” My parents are geeks, however, and named me after a character from the sci fi series, "Dune." The character was known as Alia the Abomination. That would have made a hell of a stage name, now that I think about it. 

Me: Yeah, it would of. Alia, you're based in New York, right? Is that where you are originally from? 

Alia: Yes, born and raised. Originally, I’m from a quaint little village in Westchester. I moved to New York City right after college and have been here ever since.

Me: You've been singing for a long time, am I right? How old were you when you started to sing and perform?

Alia: I’ve been singing and making up songs since I was old enough to speak. It’s funny; even when I was a very young child, I had a lot of vibrato in my voice, so when I sang I sounded sort of like Snow White in the Disney cartoon, or one of the Chipmunks. I started performing pretty early too, when I was in elementary school.

Me: Did you know you always wanted to be a performer and singer?

Alia: I’ve always loved singing and performing, but it didn’t solidify into a career pursuit until I was about 18. Before that, I actually wanted to be an author. When I was a teenager I started writing a dark fantasy vampire novel set in a steampunk universe. I got about 200 pages into it. One day, I thoroughly intend to sit down and revamp (haha) the project.

Me: When you were a kid you were part of a group called Harmonaires, am I right? Was that an all girls group?

Alia: No, it was co-ed. It was basically an elementary/middle school chorus that you had to audition for in order to be a part of.

Me: Was it fun? It must've been fun, Alia, you played Carnegie Hall and Shea Stadium. Were those good gigs?

Alia: It was very fun. I enjoyed being part of a performing group, especially since many of my friends were also involved. The time I performed at Shea Stadium was the first and only time I attended a sports event. I didn’t understand a bit of what was happening on the field, but it was still a great experience.

Me: Now you are a solo act, do you like that better?

Alia: I like having control over everything I do artistically. I don’t have to wait around for other people to get their shit together, if you’ll excuse my language. Right now I do everything myself. I produce the tracks in my home studio, write the lyrics, record and mix everything, and book all my own shows. I also do most of my own promotion, keep up my official website and social media. It’s a lot of work, and sometimes I miss the camaraderie of working with other artists, but over all I prefer it this way.

Me: You do like to dress up I see, Alia. Do you design and create your own costumes?

Alia: I do love dressing up, sometimes for my shows and sometimes just because. I design costumes... very elaborate ones... on paper, but don’t have the skills to fabricate them into items I can actually wear. Most of my outfits are bought, or pieced together from what I already have.

Me: And you do your own make up, right?

Alia: I’m only just teaching myself now to do my own make-up. For previous shows and photoshoots, I’ve always hired a professional, but that can get mighty expensive. Recently, I’ve been watching a lot of online make-up tutorials so I can get better at it. I figure that I’m pretty good when it comes to drawing on paper, so why not on my own face?

Me: You also draw I see. If I would of known that I would of featured your art in the Phile's Art Gallery. Maybe I can still do, and interview you again sometime. Anyway, do you like to draw?

Alia: I love to draw. I find it very relaxing. My father is an amazing artist, so I learned from watching him over time and studying the many art books he had lying around the house. Most of my illustrations feature my crazy cast of vampire characters. I just never get tired of drawing them. And, yes! Please keep me in mind for an art-based interview in the future. I am trying to market my visual artwork as well as my music. In fact, I have a line of greeting cards featuring my original illustrations. You can find them on my website, along with everything else I do.

Me: Let's talk about your EP "Rumors." and the video for that song. That's a pretty crazy video. Do you know all those people in it?

Alia: It is a crazy video. All those people are my friends, friends of my boyfriend, and friends of friends. Pulling that project together is one of my finest accomplishments... I was extremely pleased with how many wonderful people came together to participate in the video. The funny thing is, several of those people met at the video shoot for the first time, and are now good friends with each other.

Me: You edited it, am I right? That is some cool editing, especially in the beginning. Do you like making videos?

Alia: Thank you so much! The intro is directly based off the intro to the "Ali G Show" shot for shot. That first 30 seconds of the video was all stop-motion, which was an entirely new experience in terms of editing for me. It took a month just for me to edit all the individual photos together, and another two months to edit the rest of the live footage. This was certainly the most ambitious editing job I’ve ever taken on, and it was quite a challenge. My boyfriend came up with the concept for the video, and directed it, so we were very much a team in its creation. Putting together a video is time consuming, tedious, but ultimately very rewarding.

Me: So, how long did it take you to record the EP?

Alia: About half a year.

Me: Did you write all the music on it?

Alia: Yes. I wrote all the lyrics, produced all the tracks, recorded and mixed everything myself. Female producers never get enough credit in this industry, so I like to make people aware that I am a music producer first and foremost.

Me: I don't know much about EDM... how do you write a song like that? Lyrics or music first, Alia? 

Alia: All completely depends on the song. With some songs I come up with the lyrics and melody first, then build the instrumental track around it. With others, I produce the track first, then write the lyrics. With “Rumors,” it was track first, then lyrics.

Me: You have been compared to Kate Bush and Nine Inch Nails. Both are two different types of music. Are they influences of yours?

Alia: I find so many music artists inspiring, including those two. I’d say my vocal style resembles that of Kate Bush or Amy Lee, and my production style resembles that of Trent Reznor or Bassnectar. If you look on my iPod, you’ll see such an eclectic array of music, from speed metal to show tunes. Everything inspires me, which is probably why I am somewhat difficult to pin down in terms of genre.

Me: I am guessing you grew up listening to Madonna and are a fan of Lady Gaga as well, am I right?

Alia: I actually never listened to Madonna growing up. I listened to a lot of Nine Inch Nails, Prodigy, Nirvana… and Broadway show tunes. I adore Lady Gaga’s theatricality, but feel her live shows have lost some of the energy they had when she first started out. But, all artists change and evolve... you never know what she’ll do next.

Me: So, I have to ask what is a typical Alia Lorae show like? I bet there's a lot of dancing.

Alia: In the beginning I tried to choreograph dance moves to go with my performance, then noticed that it was interfering with my ability to feel the music, and really put my all into the singing itself. I still move around a lot on stage... it just happens naturally... but I feel better without the fixed choreography. One day I’d like to have backup dancers, though. Possibly a whole cast to portray the characters of my beautiful, twisted universe.

Me: I have to ask you about the Suzuki Music School... I never heard of it. What and where is it? What did you study there? 

Alia: The Suzuki School is (or was: I have no idea if it’s still active) a pre-school in Westchester designed to introduce young children to music. They gave us tiny violins and taught us to play simple melodies. I was never wild about the violin. I much preferred singing, and discovered the electronic keyboard at about age 10. I have no formal training in piano, but I taught myself what I needed to know to synthesize music electronically on the keyboard.

Me: You started a business called Electro Empress Entertainment. What kinda business is that?

Alia: It’s a music and film production company. I release my music through it, as well as my music videos.

Me: That's your nickname as well, right, Electro Empress? Did you come up with that?

Alia: Originally, I was calling myself the Empress of Electro Rock, which was a play on the title of that vampire novel I was writing in my teens. The novel was called "The Empress of Electric Chairs." Over the years, my music has shifted away from rock, and can now best be described as electro, so I tweaked my title. It’s a bold move to call myself the Empress of something, but in this industry one has to be bold to be anybody.

Me: So, will you be making any other videos for your songs on the album, Alia?

Alia: I intend to. Its all a matter of finding sponsors and getting the funding together. If not for this album, then certainly for the next one. I have so many ideas. Whenever I write a song, it forms in my mind as a three dimensional experience... I see the visual that should accompany it, the costume I should be wearing to perform it; everything. I want to make many more videos, and not just for my own music. I’d like to produce videos for other artists as well.

Me: Alright, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Was this the best interview you have ever done? Haha.

Alia: That’s a loaded question. But, I certainly had a lot of fun! I also like that your blog name sounds like a paraphilia.

Me: Thanks. Tell the readers your website and social media stuff, and please come back on the Phile again sometime. Take care.

Alia: Thank you so much again for having me! My official website can be found at All my social media links are there on my website... but if you are truly averse to going there, you can just search the name Alia Lorae on Facebook, Twitter, Soundcloud, and all the rest.

Me: Great. And I'll have you back here as an artist soon.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz and of course Alia Lorae. The Phile will be back next Sunday with fantastic musician Sneaky Bones. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Monday, September 28, 2015

Pheaturing Ivan Lovatt

Hey, kids, welcome back to the Phile on a Monday. How are you? So, did you see the lunar eclipse last night? Watch the lunar eclipse, they said. It'll be amazing they said.

Ha! My interest in the lunar eclipse was eclipsed by my desire to sleep.  Okay, speaking of space type stuff, NASA just announced the most exciting space news in 50 years in their boring science language. After decades of looking, a NASA spacecraft has found evidence of liquid water on Mars. Billions of years ago, Mars was flowing with water, but for the past few decades that we've been researching the red planet, the only H2O to be found was in the air, soil, and the ice in the planet's poles. Five years ago, however, researchers noticed "mysterious dark streaks running down the warm slopes of Martian craters and mountains." They entertained the possibility that this could be water. To test this hypothesis, they sent a spacecraft, which noticed "deposits of perchlorate" that were being moistened by a compound none other than water. NASA made the announcement via livestream at 11:30 a.m. People had already guessed what the news was, but they were still excited nonetheless.
Researchers are still uncertain how exactly the water is there. It's also unclear how exactly this could help a manned mission to Mars, but it will help nonetheless. As mama always said, some water is better than no water when the atmosphere is trying to kill you.  This woman got her dream job and was fired 30 minutes later because she looks like this.

Twenty-seven year old Claire Shepherd is a retail merchandiser from Swansea, Wales. She has 6 years of experience, so it probably came as no surprise when she was offered a job after nailing a phone interview with Dee Set, a U.K. chain. But then, irony struck. Immediately after accepting the position, she got an email listing the company's dress code. Among other things, it mentioned that all employees must cover their tattoos, just in case any customer finds them offensive. Shepherd immediately knew that was going to be a problem. She knew that unless she came to work every day in a burka/opera glove ensemble, she'd never be able to hide all her ink. In particular, her double hand tattoos were going to give her considerable problems. Shepherd assumed that the policy was a holdover from the archaic dress codes of the past, so she emailed right back and explained her tats. What happened next shocked her to her tattooed core. Dee Set responded and informed her that because of her extensive body art, they were rescinding their offer of employment. The one they had given her a half hour before. Stunned and outraged, Shepherd took her story to Facebook. Her post quickly went viral, with many tattoo-positive people coming to her defense. After Shepherd's post hit the media, Dee Set backtracked as quickly as possible and offered her the job again. But she said no...  she had already taken a job at B&M. There, her tattoos aren't an issue, just like at every other job she's had in the past six years. Pretty ironic that Dee Set's gesture to avoid offending customers has instead offended people all around the world. Either ironic or dumb. It's nice to see that things worked out for Claire Shepherd. Regardless of anyone's personal opinion of tattoos, they're here to stay. And as the hipster generation continues to mature, everyone is going to have to get used to seeing inked-up people in the workplace, or else there won't be any acceptable workers left. And that goes for people who take duckface selfies too.  Frances Bean Cobain, the 23 year old (extremely cool but how could she not be) daughter of tragic nineties angst icons Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love, is married. She wedded musician Isaiah Silva earlier this week, and people are pointing out that he looks kind of familiar. In that he looks a lot like the Nirvana frontman, aka her dad.

Definitely a strong resemblance, although you do have to wonder if it's due to physical similarity or grunge style affinity. I mean this dude has a very "Smells Like Teen Spirit" vibe for 2015, not that that's a bad thing. And with the current wave of nineties nostalgia, maybe all guys in their twenties are going to look like this pretty soon. Isn't it a logical evolutionary step from the man bun? According to E! News, the small wedding only had "13-15" guests (were two of them ghosts or something?), and Courtney Love was not sorry not to be one of them.  With a Donald Trump presidency in the realm of possibility, people are beginning to ask what his leadership would actually look like. Scott Pelley, anchor of "60 Minutes" and surprisingly sassy guy, sat down with Trump at the candidate's Fifth Avenue penthouse. It didn't take long for Trump to reveal he knows just as little about policy as you'd imagine. When asked about his tax plan, Trump said that he'd make significant tax cuts for the middle class, but didn't say what or how. Another shining moment involves Trump laying down his foreign policy vision, which boils down to, "Russia wants to get rid of ISIS. We want to get rid of ISIS. Maybe let Russia do it. Let 'em get rid of ISIS. What the hell do we care?" Even when Pelley wants to talk about the struggles that have defined The Donald's character, Trump responds in the Trumpiest way possible. At one point, the candidate discusses losing his brother at a young age to alcoholism and explains how that affects his habits today. "I've never had a drink. I own the largest winery on the East Coast, and yet I don't drink, which is a little weird." And finally, just as George Washington himself was reluctant to become president when elected in 1789, Trump says he doesn't want to be president, but feels a sense of duty. "I didn't want to do this. I just see our country as going to hell. And I felt I had to do it." I bet a lot of TV's were punched last night. There have been many George Zimmerman stories since he was found not guilty for killing 17 year old Trayvon Martin, but this one may the worst. Regardless of whatever you thought at the time of his trial, George Zimmerman has found plenty of ways to offend people since. First of all, there are his terrible paintings, some of which were sold to support that "Muslim-free" gun store in Florida. There was that time he threatened his pregnant girlfriend with weapons and she called 911 (there were three domestic violence incidents overall). There was that time he was involved in a road-rage shooting. In fact, we're barely scratching the surface here. All of those incidences prove he's a douche, and although his far-right folk hero status (which he has since embraced, along with an ever-present cigar in his photos) indicated he might be kinda proud of what he done did that night, he never actually said or did anything to prove that. Until Friday night, that is, when he retweeted one of his admirers. Shit, I hesitant to show it but I will...

For the record, George Zimmerman is in fact less than 1/7th as cool as the White Stripes song. This screenshot, saved by, shows Zimmerman (@TheRealGeorgeZ) retweeting @SeriousSlav's breathless fan letter, "@TheRealGeorgeZ Z-Man is a one man army,” complete with a photo of Martin's dead body. One would think that seeing the body of someone you killed during a confusing night would fill you with sadness and you'd avoid it at all cost. But this is George Zimmerman, and he wanted to share it with the world. The tweet has since been deleted (although retweets including @SeriousSlav laughing about the photo have not been), but this isn't exactly new for Zimmerman. His timeline is actually full of Martin's picture, since he regularly responds to (and mocks and threatens) people who write to him calling him a murderer. You can't exactly call his social media strategy unsuccessful, since he has had way more of a public afterlife than I think anyone anticipated. You can call it awful, however. You can definitely call it that.  Hey, the Phile has a new sponsor, kids. Check it out...

Hmmm. I have no words.  So, with the new Star Wars movie coming out, they are slowly revealing new characters. Here is an exclusive...

When a problem comes along you must Wicket. Wicket good. Haha. That's so stupid.  Hey, do you know what this is?

Grandfather clock. Moving on...  So, last week as you know the Pope was in the U.S. And when he went to Philly he did something very strange.

Haha. Okay, so, Facebook is making changes to its privacy policy apparently. A friend of the Phile has something to say about it. He's a patriot, singer and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Better safe than sorry. On this day of September 28th 2015, I am not stupid enough to buy into all this Facebook privacy crap. I fully grasp the concept that any hopes of so called "cyber privacy" faded from reality the moment I logged on and CREATED A FUCKING FACEBOOK PAGE. Therefore, anything I post in a public forum is just that... PUBLIC. To sum up... I'm not an idiot. There is no, nor will there ever be any privacy on Facebook. I understand that anything I post on Facebook can and probably will be co opted by any and all federal, state and local agencies and/or private citizens of this or any other country. The Mayan calendar was wrong about the end of the world. So were the Y2K doom sayers. So were the September 23rd 2015 paranoidians. So were the followers of Jim Jones. So were the people who thought Gary Cherone would be the lead singer of Van Halen forever.

Haha. That's a real easy one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, it's Monday and time to talk football with my good friend Jeff in a pheature called...

Me: Hey, Jeff, good to have you back on the Phile. How are you doing?

Jeff: It's always a pleasure to be back here on the Phile. Hoping some good luck roles my way in the next few days. Plus I'm almost done with my third book so that's exciting.

Me: Very cool. Alright, so, what's the NFL news this week?

Jeff: The biggest news coming out of week 3 is the Steelers lost their quarterback due to injury. Ben Roethisberger injured his left knee in a game against the Rams yesterday. He will be out for 4-6 weeks. Yet another big named player injured early in the season. The other big news is how angry the Patriots have been this season. Forget Marshall Lynch, New England has been in beast mode all season. They are destroying teams. In other news, Carolina QB Cam Newton asked a referee why there wasn't a flag thrown when he thought there should have been one thrown on the defensive. Ed Hochuli (referee) told him he hasn't been in the league long enough to get those calls. The look on Newton's face (even with his helmet on) was priceless. I don't agree with the statement, which Hochuli has denied making now.

Me: Okay, last week I was beating you by half. How did we both do last week?

Jeff: In week 3 you went 1-1 with the Giants picking up their first win of the season. Your record stands at 4-2 plus and additional point to give you 9 points. So, 1-1 is a good week, but there's only one thing better... DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK. Because I was able to go 2-0, while the Steelers picked up a win as well. I'm 3-3 on the season, with two Steeler wins. That gives me a total of 8 points. As it stands right now you lead by 1 point.

Me: That's better than nothing. Let's do this weeks picks... I say Jets by 2 and your Steelers by 5. So, I kinda hope your Steelers win. Haha. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks this week are the Carolina Panthers by 3 points and Arizona by 7.

Me: Very good. See ya next week, Jeff.

Jeff: Good luck and we will talk next week!

Art is what people who aren't willing to be of value to society do with their free time.

Okay, today's pheatured guest is the 31st artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery. Please welcome to the Phile... Ivan Lovatt.

Me: Hello, Ivan, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Ivan: Very busy.

Me: I have to say, you are one of the most creative artists I have ever had on the Phile, sir. Have you been doing some sort of art stuff all your life?

Ivan: Yes, I have always enjoyed being creative, art was my strongest subject as a child and I have enjoyed a great deal of encouragement and support.

Me: Where are you from, Ivan?

Ivan: I was born in Nairobi Kenya, Africa, I loved the wildlife and the culture, this was a great inspiration.

Me: Is that's where you still live?

Ivan: I now live on the Gold Coast Queensland, Australia, which is also a beautiful inspiring and interesting place.

Me: You started out doing art with driftwood, is that right?

Ivan: Although I have used many types of material, when I arrived in Australia in '94 I found an amazing variety of driftwood, with which I creative native wildlife sculpture this work has been well received, and I enjoy returning to this material from time to time.

Me: I have a pic of one of your wood carvings here to show...

Me: Then you started to do sculptures made out of chicken wire... why chicken wire? Is it because it's flexible?

Ivan: I am constantly in search of new materials to explore, when I started working with chicken wire I was amazed at the possibility of this material.

Me: I saw you did wildlife with the chicken wire, and then you started to do different celebrities. Who was your first celebrity you have sculpted?

Ivan: I enjoy making sculpture of people I admire, although most of the portraits I've may have been commissioned so I don't always get to choose. Although luckily most of them have been people I do admire greatly, my favourite subjects other than aboriginal faces, have been the great explorers such as Sir Edmund Hillary, and Sir Douglas Mawson.

Me: What was the hardest one you have ever done, and the easiest? Also, what was the smallest sculpture you have done and the largest?

Ivan: Up till now, the smallest sculpture I've done is a life-size little blue ran and the largest is a barn owl made in a larger gauge of wire which stands at 3.4 m tall.

Me: How long would it take you do one sculpture? Some seem a lot more detailed then others.

Ivan: Two people often ask how long the sculpture takes. I don't like to time my work I don't think it is important I often work on more than one piece at a time. The work is labour-intensive but I feel anything worthwhile takes time.

Me: You did John Lennon a few times, I think, right? Has any living celebrity you you have made into chicken wire seen your work, or purchased it? I bet if you did one of Donald Trump he would buy it.

Ivan: No, no one famous.

Me: Speaking of buying, you show your stuff at art galleries, right? Do you sell your work as well? How much would it cost if I wanted a chicken wire sculpt of myself?

Ivan: My work can be found in galleries around Australia, but I can also be contacted through my website

Me: Ivan, did you ever get cut making them?

Ivan: It actually isn't as hard on your hands as you might think, as long as you are not struggling with the work you're doing, most of the time I wear gloves, these days I hardly ever even get scratch.

Me: Thanks so much for being here on the Phile. You are a very clever artist, and I wish you lots of luck. Let me know when my one is done. Just kidding. All the best, Ivan.

Ivan: Thank you for the exposure, best wishes, Jason.

Well, that about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Laird Jim, Jeff Trelewicz and of course Ivan Lovatt. The Phile will be back next Monday with singer Alia Lorae. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Pheaturing Phile Alum Lila Rose

Hello, welcome to another entry of the Phile for a Sunday. How are you doing?  Let's start this entry of with a story about an esscaped tarantula that grounded a plane in Baltimore. Gross, Baltimore! An escaped tarantula grounded a Delta flight in Baltimore on Wednesday evening. Baggage handlers noticed that a carrier for the hell beast was empty, which prompted the captain to ground the flight until they could locate the spider. It was not in the bathroom near the gate, or checking out expensive luggage it couldn't afford, it was just relaxing in the cargo hold. They were able to retrieve the spider and safely return it back to its cage. There is a lesson here for road warriors and those who fly often: if you don't want your luggage damaged or lost, just add a spider. Or put your stuff it in a giant fake spider, and then check an empty carrier cage. Then they'll be certain to find it.  Sit down and buckle up because there's big Jennifer Lawrence hair news. Twenty-five year old actress and Amy Schumer BFF Jennifer Lawrence has shocked us once again with a hair-related decision that is sending ripples of disbelief through Hollywood, the country, and indeed the entire solar system. Little green men on Jupiter just got chills and had no idea why, and the reason is because J Law dyed her hair platinum blonde. The slightly-lighter-than-her-natural-color shade came from absolutely nowhere. At least it's not as disturbing as her flirtation with a pixie cut, from which we and the general public have still not entirely recovered. Here's a pic if you wanna see yourself...

Good news! You can now be that person who wears a sexy #TheDress Halloween costume. The good folks at, who previously made it possible for to dress up as sexy French fries, have now delivered the Halloween costume we all know someone who would wear: a sexy #TheDress costume. In case you've been on a monastic retreat in the mountains of Nepal since before February, #TheDress was a fun Internet phenomenon where everyone fought over the color of this dress. To some, it looked gold and white. To others, it looked blue and black. (The correct answer is that it looked gold and white at first but then suddenly switched to blue and black, because that's what happened to me.) After much debate, we discovered that the actual dress is black and blue. You can also buy the real #TheDress as a costume, but you're gonna have to cut some strategic slits to make it sexy.  Now for some more serious news... Mohammed Umar Farooq, a postgraduate student of counter-terrorism at Staffordshire University in England, was accused of being a terrorist after a school official saw him reading a textbook entitled "Terrorism Studies" in the library. He was then questioned by someone who he thought was a fellow student, but turned out to be a complaints officer. Even though his responses to the questions were "largely academic" and expressed his "personal opposition to extremist views," the exchange was reported to the school's security guards, as people thought it raised "too many red flags." Farooq got in touch with a lawyer to fight the complaint, and after an investigation, the university apologized for the oversight: "We have apologised to Mr. Farooq and are in dialogue with him on how we can support him to continue his studies with us. In light of recent legislation, we are ensuring all staff at the university have the right guidance and training." Apparently the guy who questioned him only had a "few hours [of] training." Still, the event exposed the university to the problems in their anti-radicalization initiatives and demonstrated how easily the "broad duty" of combatting radicalism can be mishandled. Farrow seemed pretty shook up by the whole thing, and has been "looking over his shoulder" since it happened. He had the following to say: "The implications if I did not challenge this could be serious for me. I could go on a police list, I could be investigated without my knowledge. This could happen to any young Muslim lad. I had to fight back[.]” Good thing this was an isolated incident. Oh, wait, it wasn't. Miru Kim is an artist and photographer who lives in New York City. She was stopped the other day for wearing a shirt with Arabic on it by two police officers who don't have enough to do with themselves. Kim posted about it on Instagram with a very unhappy looking selfie.

Her caption reads, "I just got stopped by two police officers in downtown Manhattan just because I was wearing this shirt from an anti-Iraq war group called Granny Peace Brigade from 2006. They took all my info, address, apt. number, cellphone, right in front of my building. Are they serious, NYPD? Are they gonna call me a potential terrorist because I am wearing a shirt with Arabic on it? When did NYC become so xenophobic?" The Granny Peace Brigade is literally a group of grandmothers who protest for peace, and they did share this shirt during one of their actions. About ten years ago. Wow, the Iraq War has been a part of our lives a long time! It's interesting that the officers were so intimidated by Arabic lettering, especially when the translation is right below it. Ironically, it means "we will not be silent." Maybe they thought the translation was a red herring, and the Arabic line actually said, "If you can read this, let's build a bomb together." It doesn't though! Kim's frustration is understandable, especially when the cops' behavior was so illogical. Are they going to call her later and ask, "Are you suuuuuuure your t-shirt isn't a threat?" Somewhere in New York right now are two police officers trying to stop all translated language postings under suspicion of terrorism. Probably more than two, actually, since the Pope was in town and there's a lot of Italian signage to help him find his way around.  Speaking of the Pope, the Pope spoke to a large crowd gathered outside the Capitol Building, and John Boehner didn't last three seconds without bawling his eyes out. It would be moving and beautiful (it has been a lifelong goal of Mr. Boehner to have a Pope speak to Congress) if it weren't for the fact that John Boehner cries at the drop of a hat. It looks like so many tears have welled up inside his head that they went into his mouth first. It took all his lip-strength to not vomit tears directly onto Pope Francis. John Boehner has been the Speaker of the House since 2011, and in that short time he has cried about a statue of Rosa Parks, a statue of Winston Churchill, and that one time some Irish music played on Saint Patrick's Day. It seems like there is little on this planet that won't make John Boehner cry. Now that Speaker Boehner is resigning from his seat in Congress, he will only be able to cry at things from afar. Private sob sessions are often much more intense than public ones for most people, but this man is different. If anything happens and Boehner isn't there to see it, does he still cry? My guess is that even in retirement, even if he never reads or watches the news, he'll be husking corn in a field in Ohio somewhere, and know in his bones that there's something out there to be cried over. And he will weep. He'll weep large Boehner tears. Maybe the large crowd just startled Mr. Boehner into crying. Or maybe this was an actual cathartic moment, as he, a Jesuit-educated man, finally lived to see a Jesuit Pope speak to the American people in person. Or it could have been literally anything. The guy just cries a lot. There's a new portrait of Boehner that was just painted as well.

He's the Weeper of the House. Haha.  So, as you know the Pope visited New York and I have an exclusive photo of his visit...

I don't remember him being in that Pizza Rat video. I guess I wasn't paying attention. That's so stupid.  Wanna see what else is stupid?

A little Diddy with Jack and Diane. Hahahahahaha.  Alright, I am an Apple fan, but I know a lot of you like Microsoft. Did you see Microsoft's new ad?

I guess they kinda do. Hmmmm. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this week's...

Top Phive Startling Similarities And Differences Between Scott Walker And Pizza Rat
5. Has captured the imaginations of millions of Americans.
4. Wasn't deterred by his seemingly hopeless quest.
3. Went downwards gracefully.
2. Was a factor in recent Republican presidential polls.
And the number one thing similar and different between Walker and the Pizza Rat is...
1. At the end of the day, is just a filthy, pointy-nosed rodent.

Yogi Berra 
May 12th, 1925 — September 22nd, 2015 
Maybe now he can finally get his hands on some pick-a-nick baskets, eh, Boo Boo?

Hahahahahahaha. This is my favorite Mindphuck ever I think. Let me know if you spot it. I am laughing so much. Oh, boy. Okay, so, a friend of the Phile saw something that made him feel like Michael J. Fox looking at his family picture in Back to the Future. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Happy Sunday, phuckerz. Just noticed a part of my history is gone... Dropped off a client at an address that seemed familiar to me. As I pulled up, I noticed that it was The Hit Factory... a place I recorded at... the place I met David Bowie... the place that Stevie Nicks asked my opinion of what key she should record one of her songs in... the place John Lennon recorded "Double Fantasy." The last building he exited from the night he lost his life. The place was still there. Still had the old signage saying The Hit Factory on the front. Only now, the recording studio is gone and the rooms have all turned into pricey condos for the NYC elite. I love New York... but I just caught a glimpse of it's soul slipping away... of a ghost drifting away from its former home... very sad.

The 31st artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery is Ivan Lovatt and this is one of his pieces...

I think that's Mick Jagger. Anyway, Ivan will be the guest on the Phile tomorrow.

Today's pheatured guest is a Phile Alum and very talented and beautiful singer whose latest album "WE.ANIMALS." is available on iTunes. She also has a very beautiful video out for the song "This Could Be Ha." Please welcome back to the Phile... Lila Rose!

Me: Hey, Lila, welcome back to the Phile. How have you been?

Lila: I've been mostly great, thanks!

Me: It's been almost a year since you were here last. Since then you moved to California, am I right? What part did you move to?

Lila: I've been living in California for almost 7 years now actually. I still love it. I live in Oakland.

Me: Oh, that's right. I have no idea why I thought you just moved there. You've been playing quite a few shows recently. Do you like playing live?

Lila: I live for it!

Me: What has been your favorite show you have done so far?

Lila: My album release show for "WE.ANIMALS." at The Independent in San Francisco for sure.

Me: When you were here last you mentioned the new album "WE.ANIMALS." which has since come out. I downloaded that album from iTunes and really like it. Are you proud of the final release, Lila?

Lila: Yes I am!

Me: The cover is beautiful with you and a lioness or panther over it. Are feline animals your favorite?

Lila: I love all animals. There is an elephant and a lion overlaid over my face. And I am holding a gun to my head, which is very dark so it's hard to tell if you don't know.

Me: Oh, I see that now. Originally the album was gonna have a slightly different cover, right? Wanna show that here?

Lila: Sure.

Lila: The only difference is I am revealing my upper body in its raw form... which would have been banned from digital stores.

Me: Were you forced to change it, or was that your choice?

Lila: It was a choice (sort of). I was abiding by the "release" laws... essentially I could chosen the nudity and known certain sites and stores would not have sold it.

Me: I always admired your freedom and that you did much do what you want. Were you that way when you were growing up?

Lila: Pretty much, yeah! I'm a "controlled" wild though.

Me: "WE.ANIMALS." has an underline theme, am I right? What would that theme be, Lila?

Lila: The theme is the interconnectedness of all life forms. The state of emergency we are facing as a planet, and the importance of recognizing our dependency on one another (plants, animals, water, air, etc).

Me: You really care for the world and the environment, don't you?

Lila: I sure do.

Me: You have a new single out and video called "This Could Be Ha." When I first saw the title when I downloaded the album I thought iTunes made a mistake and cut off the last word, until I heard the song. So, I have to ask, why "This Could Be Ha" and not "This Could Be Harder"?

Lila: Ha is like HA!!! Like "So HA!" Like "TAKE THAT!" You know... It's like "wake the fuck up". HA.

Me: Ahhhh.  I love the video, Lila.

Lila: Thank you!

Me: I have a screen shot of it here...

Me: Where was it filmed?

Lila: Valley Of Fire, Nevada.

Me: Did your feet get cut up from walking over those rocks? Look at this!

Lila: Haha. Pretty much, yeah. It was one of many painful factors of shooting that video. Very perceptive of you.

Me: Thanks. How long did it take to film? It looked like it was hard work.

Lila: We shot it over the period of 2-3 days. I can't remember right now. But it was amazing.

Me: You make some amazing videos, Lila. Do you like making videos and being filmed?

Lila: I LOVE making videos. I'm okay with being filmed... I love making art, and I'll do anything for that... if it means being in front of a camera I'll do that.

Me: Your music always has an amazing drum sound. You must like drums a lot, am I right?

Lila: Thank you, yes I am a HUGE drum lover.

Me: When you write, do you write the lyrics first or music?

Lila: It's always changing! Usually music first though.

Me: Do you write on guitar or keyboards?

Lila: Both!

Me: Tell me about your friend Daniel Garcia. He's in the band, and works with you on your music. When did you first meet him and his long have you known him?

Lila: Yes, Daniel is amazing. We met about 3.5 years ago. We were just close friends for a while before working together. We started working together about 2.5 years ago and since then we haven't stopped. We've been a "creation machine." We are both serious get-er done types, and also both infatuated with art and we have both become each others' creative muses in a way so its been quite amazing. I feel very blessed to have worked with him so deeply.

Me: If you could work with anybody, Lila, who would it be?

Lila: Wow. Bjork probably.

Me: I have to ask you about Cadence and Cause. How did that organization and you start to work together?

Lila: I played at a festival in Denver Colorado called UMS, and they were connected to the festival. We made a connection about what they were doing, and because I am such a huge believer in giving back and being of service to the world and those in need, I jumped on the opportunity to donate.

Me: So, what's next for you? Have you started working on your next project yet?

Lila: YES! I have an acoustic album in the works, a side electronic project, and a single which should be going out soon. Also I have a remix album of "WE.ANIMALS." coming out. So yeah... lots! I just want to be making stuff alllll the time!

Me: Cool! Continued success, and good luck in the future. Mention your website and please come back on the Phile soon.

Lila: Thanks soooooooo much!!!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Laird Jim and of course Lila Rose. The Phile will be back tomorrow with artist Ivan Lovatt. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker