Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Pheaturing Phil Collins

I can feel something coming on the Phile... today. Oh, yeah. I can feel something coming on the Phile today... oh, yeah. Hahahaha. I'm an idiot. Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? Anyone who has watched "The Crown" knows that Queen Elizabeth II's job is to look stable while weathering every major conflict of the 20th century, which continues as her reign endures through the 21st. The latest headache for the 93-year-old comes courtesy of her second son Prince Andrew, who was close friends with notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, who is now serving time in Hell. A picture famous in both news reports and court documents showed Andrew in 2001 with a then-17 year old, who later claimed that she was paid to have sexual relations with the prince. Here it is...

Buckingham Palace never explained the photo, but released a statement yesterday saying that Prince Andrew is "appalled" by reports of his buddy's sex abuse. People find it hard to believe that Epstein's activities came as a surprise to Andrew, considering the photo above and a recently unearthed video that showed him chillin' in the convicted pedophile's Manhattan mansion. Not only did Andrew hang out with Epstein on both sides of the Atlantic, he also reportedly had Epstein and his co-conspirator/girlfriend Ghislaine Maxwell at both Windsor Castle and Balmoral, a huge honor for any commonor. The Royal House of Windsor has survived being associated with Nazis, so it likely will manage to keep their faces on the British pounds through Prince George's coming-of-age. But will taxpayers put up with this posh group of sexual deviants paid to represent them? We know how much us Brits love referendums.
Middle school never ends. Wendy Williams was turned away from 50 Cent's party because he doesn't like that she talks about him on her show. The "In Da Club" rapper hosted a soiree at New Jersey club BarCade and declared it a Williams-free zone. 50 Cent's pettiness level: he shared a video on Instagram of the line, and you can hear a woman narrate, "Wendy Williams not being able to get in." Here is a screenshot...

Complete with thinky face and eyebrow-raise emojis, 50 Cent wrote...

Williams can be spotted wearing a Yankees hat, stuck outside with the riffraff like somebody who doesn't have their own talk show. It looks like Williams may have pulled an Ivanka Trump and Instagrammed as if she made it to the main event. She shared a picture of her and Snoop Dogg in what appears to be a lobby, and she would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for 50's post. Williams was going to get into that party or die tryin'.
Katy Perry has been accused of sexual misconduct by Josh Kloss, who appeared alongside her in her video for "Teenage Dream." In an Instagram post, the 38-year-old model claims the pop star once pulled out his pants and underwear without his consent and flashed his genitals to her friends at a party. He says he decided to share the story in response to people celebrating the song's ninth anniversary this month. He also throws shade at the #metoo movement in the post, saying, “Our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse, but females with power are just as disgusting." In the post, he says when he first met Katy Perry, she "embarrassed" him by saying that kissing him was "gross." She later invited him to a strip club, but he declined. He then details the alleged incident, which he says occurred after he brought a friend to meet her at a birthday party at a roller rink following her breakup with Russell Brand. He describes Perry as "still my crush" at the time, and says when she flashed his genitals to her friends, it left him feeling "pathetic and embarrassed." He then says he has decided to share his story to prove women in power are equally "disgusting" as men in power. Kloss also claims he only made $650 in total off the "Teenage Dream" video and that her reps forbade him from publicly discussing anything regarding the singer. Finally, he calls his job working on the song "one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs" he's ever done and decided to speak out because he's done "helping her BS image." Johnny Wujek, whose party they were allegedly at the night of the "incident," defended Perry in the comments, claiming Kloss had an "obsession" with the singer. In a second, caps-laden post, Kloss claims he was "supposed to minimize myself and stay PC" in order to "protect [Perry's] image." What a mess.
An anti-vaxx mom is getting roasted for her angry response to a school's sign requiring children be immunized in order to attend. In a less unhinged world, schools wouldn't need to post signs requiring parents use modern medicine to protect their children from deadly diseases, but this is sadly not the reality. In the past decade, the growing anti-vaxxer community has become outspoken, with celebrity talking heads like Jenny McCarthy pushing scientifically debunked misinformation about the "dangers" of vaccines. Because of this, many schools are forced to draw up rules and requirements about vaccinations in order to protect children en masse. In response, some anti-vaxx parents are choosing to homeschool their kids or transfer to schools without requirements. A recent exchange posted on Imgur shows how one anti-vaxx mom lashed out in response to a school's sign about shots. In the face of required immunizations, one mom threatened to homeschool her kids, and went on to declare all the reasons her children would be far safer at home. The mom's response immediately ushered in a bevy of fellow parents expressing disapproval towards her dangerous beliefs. Several people pointed out how crucial herd immunity is to general public health, so hopefully, the anti-vaxx mom lives near parents with more sense than her. She responded by laying out why she believes vaccines are harmful to children (again, none of these reasons are backed by science). When she laid out her beliefs that vaccines weaken children, it didn't surprise or convince the naysayers to convert to her beliefs. While these exchanges can feel petty at times, particularly when it's a group of people piling on one lone mom, it's truly dangerous for people like this to send their unvaccinated children to school with others. Plus, their children deserve to live in homes that believe in the bounty of modern medicine.
Chrissy Teigen is a supermodel cookbook writer with the EGOTting husband and cutest kids in the world, but her body is fragile just like yours and mine. Teigz visited her home state of Utah for a friend's wedding, and got sick with a painful case of altitude sickness. She had a bad case of angioedema, which is the fancy term for swollen lip, but not the glamorous kind a la Kylie Jenner. Teigen's was "hard like glass," which sounds painful. Teigen addressed the bride and groom in a video, joking, "Why have you chosen to get married in a place... that would try to destroy me?" Being sick sucks. Being sick at a friend's wedding sucks even more.
If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up in the middle of a Kmart in the 70s.

I would got straight to the toy section though. You know who I think has a TARDIS? Ivanka Trump. Here's proof...

Not long ago Trump went to Ohio and those people sure had some to the point anti-Trump protest signs.

Trump said recently he was there with the 9/11 first responders. He also was the Queen of England at one point...

That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...

Do you know your neighbors? I don't know mine. Anyway, I hope you never get a note from your neighbors like this one...

Ever see those people holding signs on the side of the road? Some of those guys are pretty clever, like this guy...

Do you like those Transformers movies? You know, they almost had a different title...

Hahaha. I was in the book store the other day looking at children's books and this old one sure had an odd title.

Hmmm. Is that pic blurry to you? I know my eyes are getting bad but that's ridiculous. You get the joke though, right? You can still read it. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Ways On How To Be Politically Correct When Talking About Men 
5. He does not have a beer gut. He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
4. He is not quiet. He is a Conversational Minimalist.
3. He is not stupid. He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
2. He does not get lost all the time. He discovers Alternative Destinations.
And the number one way on his to be politically correct when talking about men is..,
1. He is not balding. He is in Follicle Regression.

That one is pretty lame. If you spot the Mondphuck let me know. Okay, so, there's this local teacher who is pretty happy. It's the second week of school so I thought on his break I'd invite him back to see how things are going. Please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Mr. Cylance, welcome back to the Phile. How is it going?

Mr. Cylance: Okay, except for this one student...

Me: What happened? It can't be too bad, right?

Mr. Cylance: Well, she took pictures of her dog eating peanut butter off her vagina and then sent it to her boyfriend.

Me: Ummm... and you know this how?

Mr. Cylance: He proceeded to share it with the whole school and then us teachers found out.

Me: Hmmm. what did you think of that?

Mr. Cylance: Animal... abuse...?

Me: Oh, boy.

Mr. Cylance: Yep. I have to get back to class, Jason. See you soon.

Me: Mr. Cylance, the happiest teacher around, kids.

They’re both wondering what happened to that first lady... Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's stuff that happens in Florida that happens nowhere else in the universe. Here once again is...

Orange pill bad. Brendan Dolan-King, a suspected drug dealer, was arrested in Clearwater, Florida for narcotics possession. Dolan-King had previously been busted for selling ecstasy tablets shaped like Darth Vader, and updated his stock to include the head of an even more menacing villain: President Donald Trump. The Smoking Gun reports that "Dolan-King was charged Friday with the narcotics raps after lab tests confirmed that a tan powder seized was fentanyl and that the Trump pills contained MDMA. Dolan-King has been in custody since late-June... when the drugs were found... on marijuana possession with intent to sell and probation violation counts." Finally: somebody is facing consequences for a Trump-related crime.

Trump is a tough pill to swallow. Another friend of the Phile wanted to stop by today so I said why not. Please welcome back...

Me: Hello, Samual, how are you?

Samual: I'm splendid, Jason. How are you?

Me: I'm good. So, what's going on?

Samual: I wanted to share something with your dear readers.

Me: Oh. That's cool, what's that?

Samual: I would order pizza, and after serving, I would... are you ready for it?

Me: Ummm... yeah...


Me: And you like that?

Samual: One word: LUXURIOUS!

Me: Okay then.

Samual: I am now getting hungry thinking of it. I am going off to eat lunch,,,

Me: Where are you going to have lunch, Samual?

Samual: That fancy restaurant Olive Garden of course. Bye for now!

Me: Samual Phancy, the fanciest man in town, kids. Can someone explain the pixie box thing to me? Please.

Man in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth mumbled, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very, very carefully, "Are. My. Test. Re. Sults. Back?"

I'm so excited about this... today's guest is an English drummer, singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actor, and author of Not Dead Yet: The Autobiography, the 103rd book to be pheatured in the Phil's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile one of my favorite singers of all time... Phil Collins!

Me: Hello, Phil. I'm a big fan! I am so excited you are here on the Phile. Welcome. How are you? 

Phil: I'm pretty good, Jason. Thank you for the nice words... like the title of my memoir I'm not dead yet.

Me: I have to say of all the bands or music I thought you would be into like Sam Cooke or anybody on the Stax label you were a fan of the Action. They are a really good band I have to admit. You were a big fan of them, right?

Phil: Well, as soon as I hear the few bars of their cover of the Motown nugget "I'll Keep Holding On" it just reminds me how great they are. I went to the Marquee pretty much every night they played there. They were just an astonishing exciting live band. They were astonishing.

Me: Did you ever meet them?

Phil: Yeah, I got to finally meet them about 11 years ago. They reformed for a couple of gigs and they played the 100 Club in London and I got a chance to play two drums, double drummers with Roger Powell who've become one of my best friends.

Me: What was that like for you?

Phil: It was like playing with the Beatles. It was for me very, very special. I cherish Roger's friendship very much now. Reg King the singer has died and Mike Evans the bass player died so I've got a chance to play with them while they were all around and that was great.

Me: Okay, so I have to about "The Art of Dying" by George Harrison and was surprised to learn that you were hired to play congas on that track. when I listen to that track I don't hear any congas though, so what happened?

Phil: Phil Spector recorded a lot of different versions with different musicians. He ran through the whole thing, Phil Spector, there was Ringo on drums and George on guitar, Klaus Voormann on bass, and Billy Preston. He ran every combination of instruments to get his sound. I kept playing every time he said the drums but in fact when it came around to about two hours later and my hands were bleeding he said, "Okay, congas, you play this time." and he hadn't even been listening to me which at this point I was well past my peak and I had blood blisters by then.

Me: And didn't you say to George Harrison you'd love to hear the congas you played on that song? 

Phil: Yeah, I met a German journalist who because he said, "You played on that album, didn't you?" he said, "I know George and he's remastering it, he's remixing it for the 30th anniversary version. I'll see if he could dig your tape out." This was on a Sunday and Tuesday I received a DAT tape in the mail with a note from George saying, "Dear Phil, could this be you?" I thought my god, I'm suddenly going to hear this thing from about 30 or 40 years ago. I didn't even listen to it at first I was so scared, and then eventually I took it down to my studio and put it on and the song started and the congas came in blistering loud and god awful. It was all over the place and I ran it to the end of the tape and at the end of the tape I heard George Harrison saying to Phil Spector, "Hey, Phil, can we do another one there with the congas?" I rewound it, rewound it and rewound it anyway it turned out he made the tape with Ray Cooper and told him to play badly and they sent it to me as a joke which I thought was funny after a while.

Me: Hahahahahahaha. Speaking of the Beatles, I got to interview Paul McCartney which was big thing for me but a few years ago you got into a feud with him, am I right? What happened there? 

Phil: He was a little bit condescending to me a little bit but he didn't mean to be. He told me since he didn't mean to be, he was just being funny. He was a little condescending and it stung. Of course I remember these things and Paul was and still is a hero of mine. He wants to brush it under the carpet and I'm quite happy to do that and let people like you keep bringing it up. It's very difficult, but we're still great lovers. Ha ha.

Me: That's great. So, what was it like when you joined Genesis? Did you think what the hell am I getting myself into?

Phil: No, because it was twice the money I was getting before. It was ten dollars a week which is better than five dollars a week so I couldn't resist it.

Me: I have to tell you I saw Genesis in concert in the 90s in Tampa I think it was, and you guys came out and did two songs, then the band walked off stage. You then told the audience that you have throat problems and your doctor advised you that you shouldn't do the show. when you left the stage everyone thought it was a joke until the voice of the PA told everyone to leave. It was a great short show though. Haha. Anyway, in the 70s what were the shows like then?

Phil: I remember that show, and I am sorry. Peter had carved out a niche for himself when it came to the theatrical side of it. By the time we got to "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" it was a little over the top. Nobody else was doing it. I'd be playing and then suddenly I'd see this thing happening on my right, which was a giant inflatable penis that was filling the stage. I thought of course it's an inflatable penis. Then Peter was crawling though it, which is what you do I guess. It was great fun to do but more fun to talk about mind you.

Me: You said in the book that this era of Genesis was the inspiration for Spinal Tap. Am I right?

Phil: Yeah, I think we were perfect fodder for Spinal Tap. The part where the pod doesn't open and the scale model of Stonehenge. It was that era of when we could do things and it hadn't been done. We had things like misbehaving props and screens. We had three screens on the "Lamb" tour that were supposed to link up. I reckon we did about 105 shows and I reckon three or five times in the entire tour all of the screens worked all of the time.

Me: Haha. why do you think that is?

Phil: It was very primitive. We were a little ahead of the times in the terms of desire.

Me: Okay, I have to talk about your first solo record and the song "In the Air Tonight." What was the inspiration behind that song?

Phil: I wrote that song when my first marriage was falling apart.

Me: Now the song has become a phenomenon. It's an urban legend, it's in movies, it's in commercials and it is such a famous song. Is that strange for you, does it feel like that song still belongs to you? 

Phil: Um, yes it does. It's one of those things. I know how it was put together. I know it was a kind of hit and miss. There was no masterplan. I didn't do that drum fill and tick they're going to be talking about this in 30 years from now. But yeah, it does feel like it's got a life of its own. It's out there. The Gorillaz played it, Mike Tyson in The Hangover. It's been used in so many shapes and forms. It's quite crazy it's got a life of its own but I'm grateful. I'm grateful for that.

Me: I have to mention that drum part. I think all dad's air drum in the car when that song comes on. I know I do. Hahaha. I know you have some back problems, so how difficult is it for you to play the drums in that song or any song?

Phil: I could do it. It's the subtlety even though that drum fill is not particularly subtle but there's a subtlety do what I do and what I play which involves my fingers and I had this neuro problem for a while. So even if I have to tape the stick to my hand I do something.

Me: It must be so frustrating to not be able to do something you're so known for or you're so naturally good at. Right?

Phil: Sure, I'm almost 68 and I've done it for over 60 years. We all age gradually and things happen in different points in our life.

Me: When did the pain in your back start, Phil?

Phil: Something happened on the Geneis reunion tour in 2007 that started this off. I can't quite remember but it's irrelevant really what started it off. But I apply myself to do something. My son Nick, who plays drums is on the tour.

Me: When my dad was alive and in Foghat he spent a lot of time on the road and away from us kids. Before he passed he said he regretted that. Would you take it slower if you could do it again?

Phil: Well, of course with the benefit of hindsight yes, I would pay more attention to what I said yes and what I said no to. At the time it all made perfect sense is all I could say. We could all change things in hindsight. The bigger question is would I do anything differently. I think not. I would certainly try to pay more attention to maybe be more selective. It was really only just Genesis tours and my tours, Genesis albums and my albums. I threw in a lot of other stuff that I was asked to do but maybe I should've learned that I can't do everything.

Me: I think the book is very funny and also very serious. You talked about when you almost drank yourself to death. What did you learn about yourself going through that shit?

Phil: Well, I retired, and I retired to be with my kids and my family, but unfortunately by the time the old tanker stopped and the final tour was over my marriage was over too. So I ended up retiring to bring the kids up and the kids weren't there and I had a lot of time on my hands. I just started to drink too much. Basically. And I drank enough to almost kill myself. That happened a couple of times. I wasn't so bad at stopping but I was also good at starting again. But it's all better now. I'm back with the family, I've got things to do, we're doing these shows. I was wrong in saying I was gong to retire even though the intention was honourable to be with my kids. To actually stop working completely was taking a part of me away that I needed.

Me: If your son has one thing to take home after the experience of playing on the road what do you want that to be?

Phil: Play as hard as you can. He's got his own little studio at the house and he's got his own band. He asks me to come upstairs to help him tune the drums. I don't really tune the drums, if they don't sound right I just hit them a bit harder.

Me: Can he play the fill in "In the Air Tonight"?

Phil: Oh, yeah, that's easy. That really is easy, all you really need is the sound. That's the thing.

Me: Phil, thanks so much for being on the Phile. This was a huge thrill for me, sir. Please come back again soon.

Phil: Thank you very much, Jason.

That was so cool, I just wish I could have asked him more questions. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks Phil Collins for a cool interview. The Phile will be back next Monday with musician Tony Smith. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Monday, August 19, 2019

Pheaturing Commander Cody

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you, kids? Let's start off with a story about Britney Spears, shall we? Britney Spears' fans are peeved once again after the entertainer posted a pic of some $6,000 Louboutins she'd never worn before. Brit-Brit posted a pic on Instagram showing some bedazzled snakeskin pumps by Christian Louboutin, the fancy shoe designer beloved by celebs. Here is the shoe...

The caption reads...

First of all, how did Britney survive as a 21st-century celeb without Louboutins until the very late date of 2015? And second of all, Brit... why have you not worn them?! We all know Britney Spears is rich, but to drop $6,000 on shoes only to have them languish in her closet is a bit much. Fans were facepalming left and right under the photo. People pointed out a lot of good could be done with $6,000... and none of it would involve buying one pair of shoes. Some fans are also perplexed at Britney's choice to flaunt this flagrant spending just days after she came under fire for spending over $66,000 at Target (a move which, conversely, everyone defended because who hasn't accidentally dropped $66,000 at Target). There's also the animal cruelty angle. Because these shoes were so pricey, it's likely they're authentic snakeskin (with gems and flourishes added afterward, obv). And that kind of thing just doesn't fly anymore. Celebs need to bend over backwards to appease the PETA crowd these days, and it turns out Britney's no exception. One or two fans stuck up for Brit, saying she has the right to spend her money however she wants. Man, that was the most boring story I ever talked about here. I apologize. Moving on...
It's hard enough being a kid these days. Between Instagram-induced anxiety, bulletproof backpacks, and the regular ol' kid stuff that has traumatized humans for centuries, the last thing today's children need is another thing to be worried about. Enter the artist formerly known as Weight Watchers (they've recently rebranded as WW), which has just introduced the new app Kurbo, on which kids can count calories on their phone before and after they compare their bodies to others on Instagram. The app is targeted at kids as young as eight, which is extremely messed up. Have eight-year-olds even learned to hate their bodies yet? WW calls Kurbo a “scientifically-proven behavior change program designed to help kids and teens age 8-17 reach a healthier weight," but mental health experts are calling it a disaster. Adolescent mental health advocate Whitney Fisch did not hold back on her Facebook page, where she wrote "You NEED to Shut. This. Down." "Teaching children to track their food intake all the while being indoctrinated into diet culture by one of your untrained 'health coaches' is begging for an eating disorder diagnosis and is wildly inappropriate + disgusting," she explained. People on Twitter, many of them eating disorder survivors and mental health experts, are going off on the app as well. The app does not hold up under the scrutiny of downloading it. There are healthy ways to encourage healthy eating, but according to experts, none of them involve micro-managing and assigning foods according to traffic signals. Kurbo has responded to criticism by saying they have specially trained "Kurbo coaches" tasked with trying to identify eating disorders, which, um, pretty much admits that their app could lead to developing an eating disorder. With backlash this strong, let's see how long the app lasts.
A black man was stopped by police in Royal Oaks, Michigan, after a white woman accused him of "looking suspiciously" at her. Devin Myers, 20, was approached by officers and questioned while he walked to a restaurant, according to the Metro Times. The police were called due to accusations Myers had been "looking suspiciously" at a white woman. Kimiko Adolph stayed with the man to make sure he got out unscathed. She also recorded video of the encounter. The video shows that several police officers and police cars surrounded the man. Many commenters asked why the police weren't interrogating the woman who made the call. Adolph and the Metro Times both reported that the nearby Cafe´Inn Seasons paid for the man's meal after the confrontation was over. Myers can be heard apologizing to the police for wasting their time, even though he was not the one who called them. Many commenters drew parallels between this situation and the murder of Emmett Till. Emmett, who was black, was murdered by an angry mob at age 14 in 1955 after being accused of hitting on a white woman. Historically, black men in the U.S. have been persecuted and murdered when facing such accusations... even when, as in the case of Emmett, they never actually expressed sexual interest in the white women in question.
A Trump official has admitted out loud what we've known all along: that the Trump administration sees European and Latinx immigrants differently. It all started with a new "public charge" immigration requirement that the administration announced last Monday. The public charge requirement states that migrants will only be granted entry to the U.S. if they won't be seeking public funds or resources, like public housing or food stamps. This rule goes into effect October 15th, according to CBS News. Some have pointed out that this new mindset is at odds with the famous poem "The New Colossus," which is inscribed on the Statue of Liberty. The poem... which you may have heard once or twice... includes the lines, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" Rachel Martin of NPR pointed this out to Trump's acting head of Citizenship and Immigration Services, Ken Cuccinelli on Tuesday, asking him if he believes these words are "part of the American ethos." His response, "Uh, they certainly are." He then took the liberty (sorry) of remixing the poem and adding a little Republican flavor. "Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet and who will not become a public charge." Doesn't quite have the same ring as Emma Lazarus' 1882 version, does it? Later on Tuesday night, things veered into even more blatantly racist territory. Cuccinelli went on CNN and was asked about the poem again. His response was, "Well, of course, that poem was referring back to people coming from Europe where they had class-based societies where people were considered wretched if they weren't in the right class." "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses but only if they're from Europe" is not how the poem goes, pal. Of course, it seems lost on Cuccinelli that "people coming from Europe" and people coming from Latin-American countries are often fleeing the exact same thing, from the 19th century to today: corrupt governments and bad economies. And they're often looking for the same things, too: a shot at a better future. Where they're coming from has no real effect on that... unless you're a white supremacist. Beto O'Rourke said it succinctly in a tweet, writing, "This administration finally admitted what we’ve known all along: They think the Statue of Liberty only applies to white people."
The Associated Press reports that a 32-year-old German man was ensnared in a literal sting operation when he jumped off a balcony to avoid being captured by police and landed straight onto a pile of wasps. In what sounds straight out of a slapstick silent film, the fugitive was attacked by the insects, and as cops tried to apprehend him, they were attacked by wasps as well. Ultimately, the guy broke free from both the wasps and the fuzz but jumped into an inflatable pool, where he was promptly arrested. Another successful crime bust from the Wasp herself, Hope Van Dyne.
Instead of doing this stupid blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would go and try to meet Carrie Fisher when she was filming Return of the Jedi and see her in the slave outfit. Knowing my luck though she'd be sleeping next to a stunt woman dressed like her and none of the two would even notice me there.

Damn it. Haha. Did you know Ivanka Trump went to the moon? No? I have proof.

That's really her. And her dad was in Normandy. Here's proof of that...

I think that's Normandy. Recently Trump was in Ohio and those people had some clever anti-Trump signs...

Hey, whoever she is she's cute. Right, fellas? So, I was told at Walmart I would see some crazy things. I didn't believe it until I saw this...

Weddings can be a minefield, and so can coming out... especially if your family contains bigoted people. Combine the two, and you've got a really tough situation. A Phile reader emailed me asking for advice in this situation. He's getting married, and his brother who's gay wants to bring his boyfriend to the wedding. The groom and his parents love and accept his brother. But their extended family might not. Their extended family has no idea he's gay... and they might make a scene when they find out. It's time for...

As the groom says in his email, "Dear Jason, Okay this is the worst. I’m losing sleep over this. My brother is gay, but my family doesn’t know, only me and my parents know. I come from a very old school traditional family, so the old part of the family, grandparents and some aunts/uncles still have last century’s mind, and the younger portion, cousins/siblings are open minded, and are living in the present. So my brother has been dating his bf for 6 months now, the dude is great, I’m so happy my brother found a great guy. But it’s kind of a secret, as he hasn’t told my family he is gay. The groom has been encouraging his brother to come out for years, but he hasn't yet (which is fine... it's his choice when he does or doesn't come out). Only now, the brother wants to bring his new boo to the wedding: I was not expecting that to be honest. So he went from 0 to 100 pretty fast. If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don’t think my wedding day is the day to do that. Imagine all the drama and gossip and bullshit that would happen. And I don’t want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that’s her day. And I don't wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it’s a pretty good reason." The groom asked his brother why he wants to effectively come out at the wedding, and the brother said it's "because he wants to celebrate love with the two people he loves the most, me and his boyfriend." Oof. "This is killing me," the groom wrote. "I would fight my whole family for my brother and never speak to them again if I had to, but my wedding day is supposed to be a celebration, not a family fight, and I can’t do this to my wife, that might ruin our future." He asked the brother to come alone, and after leaving his house crying, the brother agreed...  but clearly wasn't happy about it. "With a heavy heart, I asked him to please come alone to the wedding, and that I hope he understands me. He started crying and left my house without saying anything. Next day I got a text and he said 'don't worry, going alone.' I tried calling him but he didn't answer me, and my parents don’t seem to know what’s happening because they didn’t say anything. He eventually called me back a few days later, we spoke, he said he understands my side, but things are still weird between us. This is the worst situation of my life,' he wrote, "am I wrong for handling it the way I did?" He also added that his fiancée is in agreement with him, and clarified that no matter what I say, his point is not that his brother's in the wrong. It's just that he feels he's in an impossible position. "I know it won’t be my brother that would cause trouble. The trouble would start with remarks and looks from some aunt/uncle. Doesn’t matter, we are spending a lot of money on this wedding, planned it for a long time, my fiancee put her heart and soul into planning this wedding. I don’t want to see my bride or mom crying, or some idiot uncle insulting my brother. Literally every other day of my life I will support my brother’s decision to come out. Even at the wedding, I would obviously defend him. But the point is, NOT AT THE WEDDING. Also, MY BROTHER IS NOT THE ASSHOLE. Not at all. Jason, what do I do?" I say compromise... Invite the boyfriend to the family brunch the next day. Don't let it overshadow your day, which is what you have done. The next morning still allows that wedding and good fam vibes thing, but the pictures are done. Hopefully, this family will figure everything out before the wedding day.

This is easy... if you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, there's this 70s singer who was pretty famous back in the day, but now he finds it hard to get recognized. He is back in town and wanted to stop by. Please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hey, Harry, how are you doing?

Harry: I'm great, Jason, I just stopped at McDonald's.

Me: Yeah? That's cool.

Harry: Yeah, I pulled up to the drive-thru window and the girl started to read back my order and stopped herself. She said, "You're Harry Webb?" I says I was and she asked if she could tell everyone?

Me: Ha! That's cool you were recognized. What did you say?

Harry: I said, "I suppose." She yelled, "Yo, we got Harry Webb at the window!" A voice from inside asked, "Who?"

Me: Ha. At least one person recognized you.

Harry: Yeah. Alright, Jason, I have to go and get ready for my show tonight.

Me: Where are you playing? The Arena?

Harry: No, sir, the Holiday Inn. Cheers!

Me: Cheers. Harry Webb, kids.

Parenting changes your view. Do you remember the 90s? There's this guy who still lives in the 90s. He is having a hard day and wanted to come on to the Phile and tell me about it. Please welcome back...

Me: Hey, Ed, what's wrong?

Ed: I just bought a new CD Walkman.

Me: That's cool. So, what's the problem?

Ed: This...

Ed: It won't fit in my damn jacket pocket.

Me: Oh, that sucks...

Ed: Yeah, I guess I'll continue carrying my boom box around. See ya, man.

Me: See ya. Ed Enistink, the guy who lives in the 90s.

Peter Fonda 
February 23rd, 1940 — August 16th, 2019
Farted Open. Raped Often. Deaf Pen Rot.  Sometimes when I can't think of an obituary for someone, I just come up with anagrams for their name. Reaped Font. Patron Feed. Defeat Porn. Now is one of those times.

Donald Trump hosted a rally in New Hampshire on Thursday night, which was of course an enlightening evening in which he explained his record over his last years in office and offered his vision for a second term... LOLJK he told an arena "you have no choice but to vote for me" and then fat-shamed a guy in front of the world. The president, who is of course the paragon of physical health, confused a supporter for a protestor and after a brief interruption, said, "That guy has a serious weight problem." "Go home, start exercising. Get him out of here, please," he added, as security officials started escorting people out. "Got a bigger problem than I do! Got a bigger problem than all of us." "Look at that fatty over there!" is quite the re-election strategy. According to the Associated Press, the guy singled out by the president was wearing a Trump 2020 shirt, and was "enthusiastically shaking his fist" at the protestors. Bullying is bad regardless of the man's stature, but it's interesting to note that the dude mocked wasn't even that large. IfNotNow, the progressive Jewish movement behind the protests, shared a video of the event up close, and the Trump 2020 guy has seemingly normal Body Mass Index. Here's what he looked like...

The fat-shamee has been identified as Frank Dawson, and he has no hard feelings with regards to his very public humiliation at the hands of Dear Leader. Everything's good, and Dawson got an Air Force One voicemail from "his guy." By the way, remember when Trump said that his accusers were too ugly to sexually assault? Good times.

The 103rd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The great Phil Collins will be on the Phile tomorrow! I am so excited!

Phact 1. Each Oscar Award loser receives a consolation bag of goodies. This year’s “goodie bag” was worth $85,000.

Phact 2. Batwoman was originally introduced as a love interest to the title character in the Batman comics as a way to deter backlash against homosexuality that was featured in the series in the 1950s. Coincidentally, Batwoman was rebooted in 2006 as a lesbian to diversify DC Comics lineup.

Phact 3. On September 26th, 2011, musician Mikey Welsh posted on Twitter, “Dreamt I died in Chicago next weekend (heart attack in my sleep). Need to write my will today,” shortly followed by, “Correction... the weekend after next”. Welsh had been found dead in a hotel room in Chicago, from a suspected drug overdose leading to a heart attack.

Phact 4. Shirley Chisholm became in 1968, the first African-American woman elected to Congress and survived three assassination attempts in 1972, while being the first major-party black candidate for President of the United States and the first woman to run for the Democratic presidential nomination.

Phact 5. In 2013, the Air Pollution in Singapore from forest fires in Indonesia hit 401, which is deemed life-threatening to the elderly and the ill. When Singapore pressed Indonesia to take action, Indonesia accused Singapore of acting like a child.

Today's pheatured guest is the founding member of Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen, an American country rock band. Please welcome to the Phile... Commander Cody.

Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Commander: I am good.

Me: You're not from New York, but you're living on Long Island now, am I right?

Commander: Saratoga Springs, New York. I lived here for 20 years.

Me: Cool. Okay, you have a new album coming out out called "Live From electric City" next week. This is an official album, right?

Commander. Yes. This is something I'm involved with with a bunch of guys at Rhino. I'm gonna release a whole bunch of these radio shows from the 70s and 80s. I released one of them on another label that was official also. I have some other ones and an old friend from Rhino from Rockbeat asked me if I had any more and I said yes and signed a six album deal with the guy. I got six of them sitting around. We're gonna release one every six months for the next three years.

Me: Okay, so, I researched you as I only knew a little bit about you and the band and I have to ask this right away, didn't you ask Linda Ronstadt to marry you at a show once?

Commander: No. She asked me to marry her. We were joking around.

Me: Okay, so, there's so many live CD's from you out there on iTunes and Amazon and the Internet, you release a lot of stuff, right?

Commander: No. I've been bitching about bootlegs for the last 20 years. Even BMG put out total illegal record, that's my publishing company, and they didn't help me out because their recording business is now folded. That wasn't us, that was them.

Me: That's cool you have all those tapes, sir. What kind of shape are they in?

Commander: They were in reasonable shape I have to say. They are on quarter inch Sony reel to reels. In the early 90s when digitalizing just came out I took them all in and put them all on CD. I digitized and mixed them and did all the work. I've been carrying these things around, relating one of them every couple of years to various people. They're official when they look official, and unofficial when you see a photograph of a bunch of guys you'll never recognize. Like "A Command Performance," the BMG thing. They stole the outtakes from the double live album. They stole it from the cutting room floor literally. There's a picture of six guys and no one has any idea who these guys are. Six random guys standing around posing, under the "Commander Cody Command Performances." There's a bunch of them too. I just quit bitching about those and tried to look uptempo, because most of the other things like the Internet like Pandora pays, and all those other things pay. Even Sirius XM is paying. When iTunes sells something that pay us for it, as opposed having my lawyer sue the record company every five years.

Me: How many Commander Cody CDs are out there do you know?

Commander: Forty-five. I didn't know that until I showed up in Italy my good friend who is the number one collector of things like this showed me, this was 10-years-ago, 40 Commander Cody CDs, half of which I've never seen before.

Me: Do you know how they get these recordings?

Commander: I remember one thing... this guy in Australia wanted me to bring him a demo. It was a real deal, it wasn't a bogus guy. He put on the Australia Blues Festival, he's got his own label in Australia. I sent him over a cassette and that cassette he sold to somebody in Africa, somebody in eastern Europe and somebody over at the far east. It's a live thing and I could tell which one it is because it's got "Take Me Back to Tulsa" on it because it's a tune we only did once because we were in Tulsa. We never played it as a regular part of the repertoire because the racist nature of the lyrics. "Take Me Back to Tulsa" is only from one cassette tape that I sent to this Australian guy in 1991. There's a lot of things out there that are keeping me from getting money in my pocket but things are getting better all the time.

Me: I have to mention "Hot Rod Lincoln" is not on the live album "Live at Ebbet's Field" that I have, sir. That's like a Foghat concert being released without "Slow Ride." What was the reason that song is not on there?

Commander: I told them to just skip the stuff that just doesn't sound good. Nothing like I did vocally sounded good back then any way.

Me: The Lost Airmen sounded like a great band, sir. You must of loved playing with them. 

Commander: Billboard magazines "best live band in the world." in 1974. I could of kept that band going even after my manager ran of with 500,000 dollars, I could of kept that band going but no.

Me: The other releases that you have from the radio shows, are they all from the 70s?

Commander: No, there's things from the 80s. There's fifteen I have from the 80s. Most of them I do the same songs, we did the same set over and over. There might be one or two songs on each CD that's different.

Me: Growing up on Long Island musical influences, sir? Did you listen to a lot of country? 

Commander: No, I never listened to a lot of country. We went on a Hank Williams binge and then we discovered Buck Owens in the 60s. Mostly for laughs we did country and western songs in our frat band. All somebody had to know was the lyrics to a country and western song. We didn't have to practice, we just played it. It was only three chords, anybody could follow it. We started off playing "Tiger By the Tail" and "Act Naturally" that of course was from Bucks greatest hits. The band in 1967 was more country folk blues with minimal electricity whatsoever.

Me: What kind of piano did you play back then?

Commander: We were a four piece and that hired to play Farfisa because electronic pianos back then really sucked. Electric pianos back the had to have a giantic tube and at the frat houses we could not get the frat boys to not put their beer son top of the piano. That's why I couldn't use a Wurtlizer or an electric piano. because they would spill beer and it would fall onto the tubes and tubes were twelve dollars a piece in 1964. I got out that when we got serious in 1967. We had to have pianos that were mic'ed into the 80s when electric pianos first came on. There wasn't a decent piano until 1980.

Me: When did you and Bill Kirchen first get together?

Commander: Bill got added to the band right after. He and Andy Stein don't join until the late fall of '67. When the band starts they're not in it.

Me: When did you move from Ann Arbor to Oshkosh and why?

Commander: It was the fall of '68, and the spring of '69 and I went back to Ann Arbor and picked up whoever I could, then went out to California to look for a rhythm section.

Me: When did you sign to your first record deal?

Commander: We signed to Paramount Records in late 1971 after two years of being homeless.

Me: Didn't Paramount want you guys to streamline your sound?

Commander: That was Warner Bros. They got me Ronstadt's producer to produce our first Warner Bros. album.

Me: Was Paramount then supportive of your sound?

Commander: Yeah, until we had a hit then they wanted everything to sound like "Hot Rod Lincoln." The Paramount guys were oldie timey guys. These were radio guys from the 40s who ran the label. They had no idea what was going on. These were mafia guys who owned Paramount Records in New York City. 

Me: What is your connection to the band Asleep at the Wheel? You helped them, right?

Commander: Well, we started with Asleep at the Wheel. They were a bunch of guys that went out to do a gig at the Ohio University, where Ray Benson was going to school, he just met the band and really liked the band and became a friend. We crashed at his dormitory room, because we didn't have a place to sleep. So we became friends with them. When we went through Washington DC he had a gig at the Cellar Door and we went to see them and I said they got to come out to Oakland. So, they came out to Oakland in late 1972 or early 1973 and we had them open up all our shows for us.

Me: Right from your first album "Lost in the Ozone" who had this amazing formula of different genres in music. Were their other artists that you started to follow that sort of influenced that sound? 

Commander: No.

Me: Ummm... okay then. What I love about your albums was there was a mix of covers and originals, and the originals sounded like they fit in perfect with the covers. Does that make sense? How did you guys do that?

Commander: There was a feeling to it. We didn't cover anything that was a major hit, we weren't a cover band. Cover bands covered whatever was a hit at that time. We finished around for old tunes which all bands do. When we found something we liked we just liked to play it.

Me: What was it like writing originals?

Commander: We wanted to write something that sounded like an original like an old stomping gospel tune.

Me: You took a long time off before you recorded a new studio album in 2009. Why was that? 

Commander: I just didn't have a reason to do anything because nobody bought that last thing either. I should of put more time on it rather than listen to people. It was a big mistake. Putting out another live album was what I should of done. But I didn't. I went and did some stuff and it sucked.

Me: Are you going to put out any new studio recording stuff?

Commander: I have a few things I've been working on but I'm not interested in doing any work. I'm interested in doing some gigs and playing some music, but I'm not interested in making a career out of anything. I'm not interested in doing television shows. I'll do an occasional interview like this but that's about it. 

Me: I have to talk to you about your art. Are you still doing a lot of artwork?

Commander: Yes.

Me: That's cool. And you still like playing live I guess, right?

Commander: I do about 70 a year. There's some bars I really like, there's some theaters I really like, and they bring me back very regularly every year. I keep visiting the places I like to play. I'm not playing anymore Joe's Backyard or Pepe's Barbecue. I'm not dong any of that. I don't do more than four gigs in a row.

Me: Alright then. Commander, thanks for being on the Phile. You're a legend. I hope this was fun.

Commander: Thanks, Jason.

That about does it for this interview. I have a feeling he hated doing this. Hahaha. I love his album "Live At Ebbett's Field." The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phil Collins! Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon