Friday, March 27, 2020

Pheaturing LeVar Burton

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? None, Trump just says it's fixed and the rest of them sit in the dark and applaud. Haha. Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Friday. Five entries in a row for the second week running. This is a record. If I don't have to go back to my job at Disney next week then it'll be another five entries. A teenager who left a 16-year-old disabled for life after smashing his skull with a homemade baseball bat has been jailed for eight years. Eighteeen-year-old John Callis-Woolsey bludgeoned his victims with the bat, which was emblazoned with the word "Lucille" and had 24 sharp nails protruding from it. The attack was said to be inspired by “The Walking Dead.” One of the main characters portrayed by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Negan, used the bat wrapped in barbed wire to kill zombies in the series. Not only did the teen beat the defenseless 16-year-old boy, but he then celebrated by doing the floss dance from the popular computer game "Fortnite." The victim, named Oscar, suffered a major bleed on the brain and was hospitalized for a total of nine months. During his time in intensive care, medical experts believed the boy would not survive the attack. Fortunately, he pulled through but now requires full-time care due to a lifelong brain injury, leaving him only able to walk with the aid of a frame. The victim’s mother is now a warning of the impact of violent games and TV shows on teenagers. “The assault has changed our lives forever,” she said, according to the report. “This was a mindless and unprovoked act of extreme violence. I was shocked when I saw the hideous-looking weapon that was used. I would like the producers and creators of such programs to know the influence the content has on immature minds. My son is serving a life sentence and doctors have advised that he will remain disabled for the rest of his life.” Callis-Woolsey was ordered to serve an eight-year sentence in connection to the attack and plead guilty to grievous bodily harm with intent. Callis-Woosley’s accomplice, Kyle Cullan, also pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit robbery and was given a 12-month sentence. Detective Constable Derek Ellis stated the brutal assault was of extreme violence and was planned and orchestrated by a teenager for “a somewhat trivial matter.” He noted, “His actions that night have dramatically altered the course of two young and bright promising lives, one of which was his own. The victim and his immediate family have had to come to terms with the consequences of that night.”
You just can’t make these things up. I swear it’s like robbers aren’t even trying to get away with their crimes anymore. I’m serious, just ask this dummy from Texas who decided to escape by using a scooter. Anyways, this one is way better. A 47-year-old bank robber from Scotland was arrested for a bank robbery that ultimately went terribly wrong. Apparently, Matthew Davies took a pillowcase to use as a mask… but realized he had simply forgotten to cut eye holes out before actually trying it on. Womp, womp, womp. A for effort bud, I can tell you really planned this one out. So, obviously, this man had to take his pillowcase off to be able to see during the robbery, which made it very very easy to identify him. He allegedly threatened staff with a meat cleaver, got his money and left. But, what this dummy didn’t realize was that a witness apparently followed Davis from the Bank of Scotland Branch to his Dunfermline home. After an inspection, authorities found the pillowcase mask “consistent with what he put over his head,” So, to jail, he went. Seeing as there was probably no way out of this one, he pleaded guilty to a charge of assault and robbery. Yes, heist gone terribly bad, he’s definitely on Scotland’s most terrible bank robbers list. Now, I know I am in no position to make fun of this man, let alone say that I could have done this better because I would never do this, but come on. How do you forget something as crucial as this? My man Matt over here must have been so nervous to skip a step as simple as this. Props for trying and sticking out with the plan even though he knew he was screwed. Hey, to any bank robbers out there, here’s some advice... Don’t rob a bank, that’s stupid. If you do decide to rob a bank, maybe make sure you have everything ready to go. Make sure there are no witnesses. Don’t rob a bank, that’s stupid.
A routine road closure for a transportation worker in Mississippi turned into the quick delivery of a baby on the interstate. Wayne Evans, Superintendent II with the Mississippi Department of Transportation, was getting ready to shut down a lane on February 24th in morning on I-20 near Brandon. That’s when a car pulled up with its emergency lights flashing, and two women got out of the car. “They were in desperate need for something,” Evans said in an interview shared online by MDOT. When Evans approached the car, he found a third woman in labor in the backseat. “It was going to happen pretty quick and I knew they weren’t gonna make it to the hospital,” he said. So, Evans got a first aid kit from his truck, put on a pair of gloves and helped deliver the baby boy. “He put his gloves on, and got his umbilical cord from around his neck, and he helped me deliver,” new mom Desire’e Thomas told WAPT-TV. “I do want to tell him thank you and I’m glad he didn’t panic or nothing, he was so calm and nice.” Evans said he believes his Marine Corps training kicked in. “I was never trained to do anything like that, but still the calmness of it and trying to keep the others calm and trying to make this thing happen,” he said.
Life alert, I would like to report a fall! Believe it or not, a grandmother was knocked out cold when a stripper pole snapped and fell on the ground in the middle of the show! Yes, poor grandma will probably never step inside a strip club in her life in fear that she might be hit again. According to Metro, not only did the grandmother suffer injuries, but a Dreamboys stripper also broke his leg. Thirty-two-year-old Lewis Riches was performing a special routine at the For Your Eyes Only club in Shoreditch, London when the 20-foot pole broke and struck the 75-year-old woman in the head. Riches managed to break his leg and in two places. As for the woman, who was there as part of a bachelor party watching from the second row, was immediately taken to the hospital. According to her granddaughter Gemma Louise, the staff at the venue handled the situation terribly wrong. She stated, “For a pole like that to be knocked down by somebody when they use it on a regular basis... they should be checking them to make sure it isn’t going to fall off.” Louise explained that she noticed the floor also had water and several drinks spilled, which were a potential hazard for anyone entering the club. She also noted that following the incident, a staff member told her friend than an ambulance was on its way, but when she called for one a few minutes later, the operator told her no one had called to report the incident. As far as the stripper, well the staff quickly tended to the dancer’s head injuries, but did nothing about his leg which was reportedly twisted and out-of-place. A nurse was reportedly in the audience, thank god, but unfortunately no one “truly trained was on the scene nor called.” It was only until a member of the bridal party called 911. “I don’t think the staff truly took on the extent of the damage.” Louise stated, “Eventually, people started moving the chairs to clear the room as we were told to go behind the bar area but it was so dangerous as there were drinks and glasses all over the floor. None of the staff seemed to know what to do or how to handle the situation. It was pretty traumatic to see both the old lady and dancer in such a way.” A London Ambulance Service spokesperson revealed that they did receive a call for an emergency incident and that the 75-year-old woman received a head injury before being rushed to the hospital. She was immediately put in a neck brace by advanced paramedics after suffering a concussion. As far as the elderly woman’s condition now, well, they haven’t released any information yet, but I sure hope this woman is okay. One thing’s for sure, if the family decided to sue, they will be getting a big hefty check.
Today's guest, LeVar Burton might appreciate this next story... An African-American man willing to risk it all to eradicate racism one terrified hostage at a time has been arrested for kidnapping a woman and forcing her to watch the acclaimed 1970s mini-series "Roots" so that she could better understand her racism. Fifty-two-year-old ironic name haver Robert Lee Noye is accused of kidnapping an unnamed woman whose race has not been specified and then taking her to a property on the 700 block of Second Avenue SW in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and forcing her to watch all nine hours of "Roots" “so she could better understand her racism,” according to authorities. For those unfamiliar, "Roots" is based on Alex Haley’s novel and stars LeVar Burton. The series follows generations of Kunta Kinte’s family from the patriarch’s capture and enslavement in Africa prior to the American Revolution to the family’s eventual emancipation after the U.S. Civil War. The show was nominated for a record-breaking 37 Emmys and is still a cherished series today, though it’s unclear if the show and its lessons hold up as well when you’re trying to watch it while a raving lunatic is keeping you as his prisoner. Noye made sure his captive was a captive audience as well, telling the woman that if she did not remain seated through the entirety of "Roots"‘ nine-hour run he would murder her, cut her body into pieces, and then spread her body parts along Interstate 380 from there to Chicago. No word on if, in between threats of dismemberment and murder, Noye offered commentary on what the series meant to him or how its lessons applied to what short time potentially remained in the woman’s life. Woke Buffalo Bill was arrested and faces charges of first-degree harassment and false imprisonment. Maybe LeVar won't appreciate that story.
I was at Target yesterday and I saw there's a new LEGO set that just came out that I almost got...

Maybe next time. Not only was LeVar Burton in "Roots" but I know him from the series "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Before that show aired it had a different title...

Hahaha. LeVar is NOT even in that pic! I'm so lame! He's in this next pic though... this was the original uniforms they were supposed to wear on the show...

Haha. I've mentioned this before, people are using the coronavirus as pickup lines on dating apps like Utkarsh here...

Did you see the movie 1917? Well, they added something to it for the home release...

If I had a TARDIS I would go to Thomas J. Semmes school in New Orleans during recess on Sept. 7th, 1962, which was the second day of integrated classes and watch a white girl following a black girl down the slide...

Yesterday I told you that Don Knotts was everywhere back in the day. Here's more proof...

I wonder how many of you know who that band is. Email me if you know. And yes, I know who they are. No... it's not Foghat. Man, did you see that rocket go up yesterday? I missed it as I was doing this blog when it went up. Glad we have a Space Force instead of a pandemic response team. Kidding! Trump must love "Star Trek" though...

Hahaha. Here's something that should make you smile...

I think it's funny. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Things Said By People Who Witnessed Their Partner's Office Mode While Watching Them Work Remote
5. A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I'm married to a "let's circle back" guy... who knew?
4. My wife works from home full time, but I remember the day I realized she was the "one more question" person at the end of the meetings. I was shook.

3. Mine said, "Why don't we table that and revisit it in a couple days?" Who the fuck is he? We've never tabled a damn thing and revisited anything in our entire 36 year marriage!
2. My husband is pleasant and PATIENT on the phone. It's like an invasion of the body snatchers. I know him as the guy who can't sit still at red lights and won't buy more than three groceries at a time, WTF? Why can't I have the patient guy?
And the number one thing said by people who witnessed their partners's office mode while watching them work remote is...
1. The first time I saw Work Husband I was thrilled to find he was a "I don't think Laura was done speaking" guy.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. A friend of the Phile has something to say, so you people better listen. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

As much as I try, I’ll never quite understand you humans. All you’ve been asked to do is stay at home and do nothing. Stay with your loved ones and stay away from other people and public gatherings. You’d think that task would be relatively easy. You’d think staying home from your job and being lazy with loved ones would be appealing to nearly all. But no... you have to be a rebel, a non-conformist, a devil may care anarchist... you’re going to spread the virus to those you love and get many around you killed... all because you had to be a fucking moron.

Ugh! Laird is right. See? It's people like Katie Williams here. We are all fucking doomed. Okay, you know I love in Florida... well, things happen in this state that probably won't happen anywhere else. So here we are again with...

A Florida man took matters (and scissors and his neighbor’s penis) into his own hands after he could no longer stand the thought the man living next to him going unpunished for sleeping with his wife. Alex Bonilla of Gainesville, Florida walked next door, held his neighbor at gunpoint and threatened to kill him if he resisted, tied the man who slept with his wife up, cut off his penis, and ran out of the house with his neighbor’s penis in hand. The man’s children were in the house while it happened. According to Bonilla, he caught his neighbor sleeping with his wife last May and, apparently, his frustration with that knowledge reached a point of no return. Police charged Bonilla with aggravated assault, cruelty toward a child, and burglary. Maybe just get a divorce next time. Or move. Or do literally anything other than cut a man’s penis off while his terrified kids are in the other room. Move on. Put on your Maui Jim shades and your best Margaritaville flip flops, head down to the dock bar, and find a replacement for Tammy. A new Florida woman who will love you and be loyal. How about Patty over there smoking a Virginia Slim 100 and sipping a Mai Tai at the bar? She’s nice. She has a good job at the Publix, her hobbies include painting seagulls and watching amateur motorcycle races. Heck her brother owns a jet ski. You could’ve had some real fun with her. But no. You cut off a guy’s penis. Pride really is the most destructive sin of all. According to the New York Post, there is no word on if doctors were able to attach Bonilla’s victim’s penis but, man, hopefully they were able to. But really that shouldn’t even be an issue. It’s 2020. Why are we not growing this man a bigger, shinier penis with stem cells? Ridiculous.

If you know anyone who is experiencing substance abuse, call the National Drug Helpline at 1-844-289-0879.

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me five dollars. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the five dollars. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over five dollars.

The 118th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Hopefully Booker will be on the Phile next week. I hope I don't have to go back to work next week.

Today's pheatured guest is an American actor, presenter, director, and author, and podcaster. He is known mostly for his role in "Roots" and as Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge in "Star Trek: The Next Generation." In 2017, he began a podcast titled "LeVar Burton Reads" where each episode features him reading a short story. Please welcome to the Phile... LeVar Burton.

Me: Hello, LeVar, sir, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

LeVar: Hello, Jason, I'm gad to be here. Your blog is an interesting read.

Me: Thank you... I think. Hahaha. Okay, so, you have said it's important to read, but why is it important for us to listen to stories?

LeVar: First of I think everybody loves being read to. It's a very elemental part of our childhood experience. It just takes us back to a period in our lives when things were so much simpler. It's a real shortcut to stress relief. Just surrendering in your imagination to the power of the written word. Lord knows we all need some additional measures for stress relief these days. Don't you think?

Me: I think so. I never saw "Reading Rainbow" but saw a clip of you from the show with the book called The Robbery of the Diamond Dog Diner. Do you remember that book?

LeVar: Yeah, I do. I love that book.

Me: How does it feel that you're an outlet for so many people for storytelling?

LeVar: My mom was an English teacher, Jason, and when she passed over a year ago now and everything I've ever done in the field of literacy especially for children is in honor of Irma Jean. She was my first teacher, she was an avid reader herself, she always had two or three books going for her own personal enjoyment. We took two daily newspapers when I was a kid. I grew up in a household where it was clear to me reading was as important to the human as breathing. I'm totally away of the impact of literacy had in my own life. For some reason I have this passion where I want to share that joy with folks.

Me: I'm a grammar nazi, sir. You must be too having your mom being an English teacher, am I right? 

LeVar: Yeah. When my grammar is right at home then I have this superpower I go out in the world and correct everybody else's grammar.

Me: Yup. I have a habit of doing that. You wouldn't believe how many people I interview here for the Phile have terrible grammar. And people hardly ever say something like, "LeVar and I went to the store." They'd say "LeVar and me went to the store." Am I right?

LeVar: Yes, indeed.

Me: Ha. Your podcast "LeVar Burton Reads" has nothing to do with the Diamond Dog diner, right? 

LeVar: It does not. No.

Me: I listened to a little bit of one of the podcasts, LeVar, and you sound so relaxed and calm, it made me feel calm. You took a breath, why is that?

LeVar: I take a breath and encourage the audience at the beginning of every story for a couple of reasons. Again taking a deep breath is a great tool for stress relief. The deep breath at the beginning of each story creates a portal, a threshold really, between that became before the story and the story itself. It's a way of entering that world of receptivity and imagination and story.

Me: Do you change your reading techniques based on adults and children?

LeVar: No. I don't think I do. It's the material that dictates the voice, and the energy required for the story. I think children's books really require a lot of voices and engagement and energy. But it's the same princess for me, no matter the audience it's all about delivering the story, putting myself simultaneously the head of the writer and the reader. And trying to deliver on the potential of the moments that are laid out for me.

Me: I'm jealous, I wouldn't be able to read a book and people listen... they'd turn it off in a second. What's the secret to being able to read out loud and getting people to listen and being drawn in? 

LeVar: It's the constant communication What's great about it and what's freeing about it for me that it's not my communication... I'm the interpreter. That's what story tellers are. I get to lose myself in the imaginings of the writer. I'm just trying to interpret what they laid down. Following the bread crumbs, I'm just walking down the trail that they already forged. It's very freeing for me.

Me: Did you want to be an actor because you listened to stories when you were a kid?

LeVar: That's actually a good question because I never made that correlation before. From my point of view my entry to the theater arts really came out of my decision to not enter the priesthood. I entered the seminary when I was thirteen. I was pretty young. But I was committed, I had the vocation. At least I felt I did.

Me: So, you had this "calling," is that what it's called?

LeVar: Right. So when I decided not to become a priest I was really searching for I was going to spend my life and theater arts was there and was becoming a very special pursuit for me and that's the connection I made. I get it, Jason, that looking back throughout the trajectory of my life it was my destiny to become a story teller. My mother was hugely instrumental in that first step.

Me: Wherever most people learned your name was "Roots," which was based on a book. I never saw it but I know my parents did. When that series aired it had such an impact. Did you feel that?

LeVar: Did I feel what?

Me: Did you see the cultural impact, did you see that it was getting a big reaction?

LeVar: Obviously there was a lot of people watching. Nobody knew that "Roots" would have the social cultural impact that it did. Not when we were making it, not the it started airing. It was sort of this snowball that gathered momentum and it became the conversation happening in North America. 

Me: What was it like walking down the street back then after you got famous?

LeVar: Confusing. One day I was obscure, the next day I was recognized. There was a period of adjustment.

Me: Was it a positive recognition all the time?

LeVar: All the time? No, not necessarily. Black people in America have a reeeeaaalllyyy complex relationship with identity. Anytime the slave narrative enters the public consciousness there is push back. Some people think it's the only story about us that only gets told and so it's tired and played out. I am of the opinion that America has never reconciled itself with the original sin of slavery until and unless we do. We'll never get over it, we'll never be post racial. Everything that happens in America is based on a dynamic that includes and involves race. Period. Full stop. Our denial of that just continues too perpetuate problems that aren't going to go away. Obviously they haven't in a couple of hundred years.

Me: So, how did you feel back then about that show?

LeVar: Back in the day Kunta became simultaneously the symbol for some people the adorability of the human spirit and the desire for freedom. For other people he became a symbol that only reminded them of the shame of having been enslaved.

Me: You had to deal with all that, right?

LeVar: I had no choice.

Me: Was it easy?

LeVar: Eh. Ha ha ha.

Me: Hahahaha. That's my favorite answer to a question I ever had on this blog. Okay, so I have to mention "Star Trek: The Next Generation" as the "Star Trek" themed logo would be otherwise pointless in this entry. Here's a pic of you from this show...

Me: Did you feel the pressure of that show before it came out as it was the first "Star Trek" thing since the movies?

LeVar: I felt a responsibility having been an enormous fan of the original series. I'm a huge fan of the science fiction genre. Always have been. Science fiction has always been my go to literature for my pure enjoyment when I want to read something for me. Really all science fiction and fantasy.

Me: Were you into "Star Trek" when you were a kid?

LeVar: "Star Trek" was one of the few representations of the future I encountered when I was a kid, where people who looked like me were represented. So in an era in my life, in America it was rare to see black people on TV except for on the nightly news during the Vietnam War era where most of the soldiers we were sending to the theater of war were black kids. "Star Trek" was huge. Gene Roddenberry as a storyteller was saying to me when the future comes there's a place for me. It's hard to underestimate the power of seeing one self reflected in the popular culture what impact it has. It validates me. Absent seeing myself represented or people who are like me being represented in popular culture are sent a very dangerous message. A message that says I don't matter, I'm not important. So quite naturally I clung on to that example of black people in the future.

Me: Okay, do you think science fiction shows or other shows showed people of color in the future? 

LeVar: Until very recently. Certainly in literature. There's an explosion now of African futurism or Afrofuturism. Diverse voices from people of color have really begun to infiltrate the speculative fiction realm in a very powerful and dynamic way. It's so exciting for a kid coming from Sacramento, California that read science fiction in his bed in the summer time to where we are now with all these great new voices coming to the forefront. It's really exciting.

Me: So, your new podcast is just audible. What does that do for you?

LeVar: It takes them where images always originate. In the mind's eye. It's how we first experienced stories as human beings around the fire. And radio, I grew up listening to the radio. t's always been my favorite form of storytelling. Reading allowed or being read allowed to.

Me: So cool. LeVar, sir, thanks for being on the Phile. I really enjoyed this, I hope you did and I hope you'll come back again soon. Stay safe.

LeVar: Thank you, Jason, I enjoyed this as well.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile, Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course LeVar Burton. The Phile will be back on Monday with Phile Alum "Weird Al" Yankovic. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Wash your hands.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Pheaturing Richard Kline From "Three's Company"

Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. I hope you like I've been posting so many entries during this quarantine time. My thoughts going out for all those poor married men who've spent months telling the wife, "I'll do that when I have time." Haha. Did you see Americans are getting a one time $1,200 check to cover COVID-19 unemployment? Because Canada just announced $2,000 a month for the next four months. Have you been washing your hands? My body has absorbed so much sap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Much like the delivery of the mail, Ann Coulter is nothing if not consistent. Whether she's arguing with doctors about gun violence, getting into fights with authors about immigrant rights, or going on one of her trademark bigoted rants, she is ever a troll, begging people to come for her. Since it's been far too long since she was heaped with negative attention, Coulter took to Twitter of Tuesday to share her feelings on COVID-19, mainly, that she thinks everyone is making too much of a fuss. In what was likely a fugue state, Coulter posted a side-by-side of graphs comparing death rates between the flu and COVID-19.

However, all it takes is a simple glance at the tweet to see that she's wrong, and likely doesn't understand how graphs work? Her chart shows that coronavirus is more dangerous than the seasonal flu for everyone over thirty. If you're home schooling your kids, here's today's mathematics lesson...  "Read the graph, and explain why Ann Coulter is wrong." Coulter apparently doesn't know how to read basic graphs. Coulter cherry-picked data from South Korea, the country with the lowest number of COVID-19 casualties, and still managing to get her facts wrong. It's also important to mention that even if Coulter was right, and COVID-19 was less fatal than the flu for people under sixty, she is implying that it's okay for older people to die from the virus, which is deeply ageist. I'm sure for most people bringing up the notion of their parents or grandparents dying of the virus would cause them to step back and muster up empathy, but we all know that Coulter doesn't actually have parents, since she was animated by a witch centuries ago.
Some people have no respect for others, and this definitely proves it. A 31-year-old North Carolina man has been arrested after allegedly pretending to have the coronavirus and then filmed himself on Facebook video, while inside of a Walmart. Justin M. Rhodes claimed he had “definitely tested positive for coronavirus” and was asked to stay in quarantine for a total of 14 to 21 days. He then claimed that he was asymptomatic, saying “I gotta eat too, so y’all just gotta deal with it. If I got it, y’all gonna get it too. Fuck all y’all, that’s how I feel about it.” The video lasted for a good three minutes, featuring Rhodes discussing other places he had allegedly been to that day and observing other people in the stores. Ever since the video made its rounds on social media, it has been deleted from Facebook. But, several decided to record it and share it online, because well, it’s the Internet. You can’t get away with anything nowadays. It was then uploaded to YouTube where it has gained more than 4 million views. Scared for their safety, several users reported the video to the Albemarle Police Department and officers began to investigate. Through a statement, Albemarle police stated they took the case to their local health officials, which confirmed that no one in Stanly County has yet to test positive for a COVID-19 case. Not finding the humor in the situation, officers quickly arrested Rhodes on March 20th and is facing felony charges including perpetrating a coronavirus hoax in a public building and disorderly conduct. He is said to make his first court appearance on March 30th. To no surprise, several commented back on the department’s Facebook page, thanking them for arresting Rhodes for his despicable behavior. Rhodes did post an apology on his Instagram, saying he hadn’t been taking the virus seriously and has since been doing heavy research, realizing the error in his ways. He noted, “I am sincerely sorry, I acted very foolishly, stupidly, and during an uneasy time not only for our community but for the world.” Between you and me, you know this dude is probably kicking his head for a stupid prank like this. This could have easily been avoidable. Try telling people you were arrested for filming a live video in Walmart. What a dummy. Go buy some Lysol dude, this is an insult to first responders, medical staff, and those who are actually scared and hurt by the coronavirus pandemic.
Yikes, privilege at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. There comes a time when you know you should probably start paying things for yourself. At some point, you have to come to the realization that well, you’re an adult, and if you have the means for it, you should probably start maintaining yourself with the money you’re working for. But not Seloni Khetarpal here. This 36-year-old wanted to stay under her parent’s cellphone plan, but they said no. So she called 911 demanding police to respond to her home because her parents had shut off her cell phone. Ah, I love these types of stories. According to authorities, the woman was arrested for repeatedly calling 911 for a really stupid thing and was charged with disrupting public services, which is a fourth-degree felony. The first time she called, police had warned her to only call again for a “legitimate emergency.” Well, thinking it absolutely was, she decided to call again because her cell phone still wasn’t up and running. Court documents stated she was “belligerent” and told responders that she absolutely thought it was a legitimate issue. But obviously not having it, Khetarpal, who is a licensed real estate salesperson, was arrested and booked into Stark County jail. I’m sure her parents must be really proud. Hey, at least the Ohio woman attempted to fight for it, I’ll give her that. But, if she can’t pay her phone bill, how will she pay her $2,500 bond? I bet she didn’t think about the consequences here. Authorities did not reveal why this woman’s parents cut off their daughter’s services, but whatever the situation was, I hope it was a good one. I will note that Khetarpal has modeled for companies such as Miller Lite and Abercombie & Fitch, so you know she must have a few dollars in her bank to get her own cell phone service. But hey, who am I do judge, right? Also, by the look of her mugshot, she must have been hard to deal with while being arrested.

Just look at that anger in her face, you know she is probably going to get her revenge. Yikes. Smartphones will be the death of us all!
I love a nightcap, but this is a whole new level of drinking before heading off to sleep. The Beer Pillow is a DIY invention from Phil at Beer Goals. It looks like Phil got tired of having to chug a beer can before bed for a good night’s sleep, so he decided to bring the beer to bed. It’s quite the invention. Phil takes Bud Light (the famous lager we all love) and fills up a 2-gallon Hefty bag with beer. Next, Phil grabs a plastic bendy straw and encloses it in the plastic bag. Believe it or not, this quirky hack works. If you try this at home, make sure you buy a bag with a zipper.

I don’t see any spills from his beer pillow onto the bed. Impressive, Phil. This puts keg stands and shotgunning beers to rest. I still think the best way to drink beer in bed is simply just taking the can to bed, but this is hilarious. So who is Phil? Phil is a craft beer aficionado based in Los Angeles, California. His Facebook account, Beer Goals, is devoted to beer reviews, jokes, and of course, goals. For more funny beer goals, follow Phil on Facebook. Any beer lover will find Phil’s content entertaining. I’ve done some research, and it looks like he’s attempting to try 50 beers in all 50 states. Life is short, and I admire Phil’s passion for travel and, of course, beer. I won’t be trying the beer pillow at home though, I love my pillow too much.
In a past entry I talked about elephants breaking into a Chinese village and getting drink. Well, the National Geographic it was a hoax. The National Geographic has officially announced that unfortunately, there have been no elephants found drunk. The story, which was too good to be true, is, in fact, a hoax. Initially, Twitter was going around saying a group of elephants had rummaged through a village in Yunnan, China, and got drunk off corn wine, passing out in a tea garden. It quickly went viral on social media and TikTok, but we now know it wasn’t true. But, it was so good, that even I fell for it! Apparently, no one has figured out where the drunken elephant photo first came to life, but a Chinese news report did debunk the viral post. They stated, “While elephants did recently come through a village in Yunnan Province, China, their presence isn’t out of the norm, they aren’t the elephants in the viral photos, and they didn’t get drunk and pass out in a tea field.” Well, I guess this just goes to show us how quickly “too-good-to-be-true” rumors can spark in a terrifying time of crisis. Check your sources, people!
So, look at these side by side pics... the first one is from "The Walking Dead" and the other from COVID-19. Eerie, right?

Did you see the Stones' new publicity pic?

Hahahaha. Oh, Keith. Have you seen Golden Corral's press release? It really made me laugh. And I really hope it's real.

Do you collect those Funko Pops? I don't as much as I used to, but I might have to get these ones...

So cute. Have you heard of Wish? It's a website you can buy stuff, and they have toilet paper but check out the price, kids.

Just go to Target at 8 in the morning and you'll get toilet paper. If you need help washing your hands here's a chart...

That's Graham Parker's "Here It Comes Again." I love that song. Some people are using the coronavirus as a pickup line on dating apps...

That's scary. If I had a TARDIS I would go and meet Col. Anthony Joseph Drexel Biddle who was a hand-to-hand combat expert, who ordered trainee Marines to attempt to kill him with bayonets, and disarming them all.

That's crazy! So, today's guest, Richard Kline who played Larry on "Three's Company." Well, Don Knotts was on that show and I was thinking instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Oh, Don Knotts, I thought he was so funny. He was everywhere, you know...

Hahahahahahaha. So, here's another...

Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Places To Go During The Lockdown
5. Narnia
4. Asgard
3. The Hundred Acre Wood
2. Middle-Earth
And the number one place to go during the lockdown is...
1. A galaxy far, far away...

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hey, it's Thursday, you know what that means...

Okay, the one is not too bad, right? That's more of a Mindphuck. So, there's this inventor who likes to come on the Phile now and then and tell us what inventions he has been doing. He claims to be the world's greatest inventor but so far all his inventions have been pretty lame. Well, he called me and said he has a few more he's been working on so I thought I'd invite him back and see. Please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Mak, how are you?

Mak: Hello, I'm good, been working in my laboratory by myself for weeks coming up with some great inventions.

Me: That's good. What have you come up with?

Mak: Non-stick superglue, that way your fingers won't stick together.

Me: But how will anything stuck together?

Mak: You have a point. Hmmmm. Okay, how about a machine that turns water into poo?

Me: What? Why would you or anyone need that? If anything the other way around would work... maybe. Nah. Forget it.

Mak: Hmmm. How about powdered water?

Me: That could work... would it turn into regular water?

Mak: No, it's just powered.

Me: Ugh! Forget it then. Is that it?

Mak: Yup. That's it.

Me: Then you better get into the lab and work on other stuff, Mak.

Mak: I will. I will be back soon with some other great inventions. Be safe and wash your hands.

Me: Mak Asterborus, world's greatest inventor... or so he claims.

You know I live in Florida, right? Well, things happen in this state that happen nowhere else in the universe. So, once again here is...

An almost entirely naked Florida man was attempting to break into a car when the owner of that car stepped out of her apartment door to see what all the noise was from. The Florida man turned and assumed he could easily handle the person standing before him... a confused old woman. Moments later the mostly naked man left the scene of his attempted burglary bleeding, embarrassed, still pretty much naked. Five foot 6 inches, 300-pound Antonio Mosely had charged the old woman without realizing that she was holding a metal baseball bat, or knowing that she was a pretty good softball player in her day. But oh did Clarese Gainey know how to handle that bat. She swung, connected, and drove off the offensive lineman-sized attacker. You should listen to Gainey tell the story. No, really. You should. It’s wonderful. It will make your day. Police say after receiving his well-deserved beating from the old woman he attempted to attack, Mosely fled to a nearby mobile home, where he put on some pants, put some cocaine in the pocket of those pants, and was then arrested. Mosely was booked into the Alachua County Jail, booked on charges of burglary and drug possession. Gainey told the news that Mosely was lucky she didn’t have a gun, because she would’ve shot him, but then added that really, she was much deadlier with the bat anyway. She called the bat her gun. On a related note, I’ve never been more depressed that a person didn’t own a doorbell camera. So let it known, residents of Gainesville, Florida, that if you attempt to rob, hurt, or otherwise wrong Ms. Clarese Gainey there will be a well-swung metal baseball bat waiting for you. And she can switch hit.


The 118th book to be pheatured in the Phile's library is...

The great Booker T. Jones will be the guest on the Phile next week. Wanna laugh?

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. The doctor said, "Your tonsils gotta come out." And the patient replied, "I wanna second opinion." "Okay, you're ugly, too."

Today's guest is an American actor and television director who is best known as Larry Dallas on the sitcom "Three's Company." Please welcome to the Phile... Larry David.

Me: Hello, Richard, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir?

Richard: I'm going great, Jason, thank you.

Me: Richard, where are you from?

Richard: Queens, New York City. But I've in Jersey now, I've got a house in Jersey.

Me: You were touring with the musical Waitress: The Musical. Do you like touring with these productions?

Richard: Well, I started touring with Wicked for months. Be honest with you it's all about the income. It pays very well and they pay for my hotels and whatever. They're two great shows, Wicked is a great show and Waitress is a great show but it's a grind being away from home. My wife comes every three weeks, but the days off which are on Monday's we're either in the air or on a bus. I really can't complain because it's a nice chunk of change and I'm working doing what I love.

Me: I read that you teach classes now, is that true?

Richard: Yeah, I am.

Me: How long have you been doing that for?

Richard: Oh, my God. I started in L.A. I think n 1998 and then we moved to Jersey in 2005 and I started a few months later. I think I started to teach in New Jersey in 2006. When I'm not working I'm teaching.

Me: Do you like it? Teaching is fun, right?

Richard: Yeah, it keeps me sharp and it's fun to help students out. And going into the city from my little suburban paradise.

Me: So, how did you first get involved with acting?

Richard: Well, I did a little bit of acting in junior high. I had an English teacher and I guess he ran the drama program in Jackson Heights. So I did a couple of things there and really liked it, then when I got to high school which was in Long Island City it didn't have a drama department so I concentrated on being on the school paper, I was the sports editor of the school paper. That entailed going to the old Madison Square Garden seeing our team play which was kind of cool. Then in Queens College I took one look at the theater, which was this gorgeous 700 seat theater and I said I want to do this. So I became a speech major and had a mentor there who went on to teach at Yale. He taught Meryl Streep, he taught Henry Winkler, he was great, he was my mentor. He actually opened up a summer theater up in New Hampshire which is still going 50 odd years later. That's pretty much it, I never had another job except acting. I was fortunate enough to do a lot of commercials when I got out of the Army in 1971. When I loved in Manhattan I did five years of commercials before I moved to Los Angeles.

Me: When you moved to L.A. did you have work right away?

Richard: No. Actually I moved there temporarily which is known as "living on spec."

Me: So, when did you get the "Three's Company" show?

Richard: A few years later. And that lasted eight years. So all in all I spawn 29 years in L.A. before I moved back to the east coast.

Me: Was "Three's Company" your first sitcom or show?

Richard: No, my first sitcom was "The Mary Tyler Moore Show." So I sat down at the table with Mary and Betty White and Ed Asner and Gavin MacLeod it was insane. I thought I died and gone to heaven. And then "Maude" for three episodes which was like going to comedy school. I just sat in the rehearsal hall and watched this woman work out. She's was just insane, she was great.

Me: Was there anything you learned from her?

Richard: Yeah, I would say a sense of timing but as an actor I took away positive things, or I hope positive things from everybody. Working with John Ritter there's a lot of stuff I do now which I took from John. It's not a feeling, it's just observing. With Bea Arthur, she just had this insane sense of timing that sort of resonated with me.

Me: "Three's Company" was one of my favorite shows growing up. I remember one episode where Larry your character was impersonating Jack, John's character. Did he give you any remarks after or before that?

Richard: I remember that. They wardrobed me in his argyle sweater and sports jacket, and I remember John was behind the camera and I was doing John's schtick and he was cracking up.

Me: When you first played Larry you were a guest star on the show. Did you think that role would last eight years?

Richard: Oh, no absolutely not.

Me: Okay, so, how did that one guest spot become such a long lasting thing?

Richard: The thing that happened was I did that guest spot and I remember Norman Fell came over to me at some point and said doing rehearsal when we were along, "You know they're gonna have you back." I was like, "Really?" "Oh, yeah, they love you." Then they had me back and they had me back again. I said to my agent, "Is there anyway we could get some kind of a deal?" And he said, "Yeah, I'll check it out." And we got a deal for the next five years which turned into two more years after that.

Me: It's cool you were on the three shows, the original show then "The Ropers" and "Three's a Crowd." That must've been cool, right?

Richard: Yeah, it's weird. Someone recently pointed that out to me and I didn't realize I was part of the trifecta.

Me: You sang in one episode I think. Was that your idea or was that the producers and writers idea? 

Richard: The producers somehow knew how, I don't know how but whatever, maybe I knocked on the door and said, "Hey, guys, do you know I sing?" I don't know, they somehow knew I had a musical background or whatever.

Me: When Don Knotts was added to the show were you surprised?

Richard: No, I was elated like everybody else was. I was aware of the fact that Don had won five Emmys and was an icon himself. I said this can only help the show. And it turned out it did because people loved Mr. Furley. They loved Don.

Me: What was it like working with him?

Richard: As the secondary leads there was a kind of unspoken bond but on top of that Don was a sweet guy. He was a great guy, very funny without ever trying to be. He was just a good guy.

Me: Okay, so, what was it like when Suzanne Somers left the show? Did that make you nervous it would hurt the show?

Richard: Well, yeah, I always had that feeling that part of the formula was missing, part of the puzzle was missing. So, yeah, there was apprehension about that. It was really an awkward time for everybody. If you remember the last five shows, or how many they put her on in separate set and had her just made phone calls. In retrospect it was completely unnecessary and mean for the producers to do that. But playing devils advocate they had her in the contract and she had to show up but I thought that was kind of cruel myself. And yeah, there was apprehension if the show was going to continue and being successful. And it did mainly because John Ritter, who was a genius in charge. You basically can thrown any blonde there and it would work. And it did. First they did Cindy played by Jenilee Harrison and then they did Terri and each in their own right they contributed something special to the show.

Me: So, why did the show come to an end?

Richard: The only reason we stopped taping after the eighth season was because John wisely said her didn't want us to go out number 35 in the ratings. He didn't want people to get tired of the show, and then they ended it. Then they did the spin off which unfortunately didn't last.

Me: So, in this day and age everything gets rebooted. Are you surprised someone didn't try to make "Three's Company" again?

Richard: No. Not really. No. In terms of today it was so innocent, based on some of the other sitcoms that came along. We pushed the standards of practices of what we could do and what we could say on television. Back in the say we couldn't say something like, "That sucks." Some of the plot lines that you see today compared to "Three's Company" we were like a fairy tale. I'm not surprised and really don't think about it that much.

Me: Would anything or does anything surprise you?

Richard: What surprises me is the longevity of the reruns. We did this 40 year reunion thing with Antenna TV. How many shows are still on the air after 40 years? That surprises me.

Me: When did you first realize the show was a massive hit?

Richard: Oh, well, it debuted in April 1977 and it was an immediate hit. They brought it back for a whole season off 22 or 23 episodes. After the fourth or fifth airing I was like holy shit, this is a hit. 

Me: Did you take anything from the show when it ended?

Richard: No, and I don't know where the outfits are. They might be in a Goodwill somewhere in China. I don't know if they have a Goodwill in China. My agent got this call a couple of months ago from this guy who wants to offer $20,000 for the parrot shirt. My agent said, "I think he's a kookpot is there anyway you can get the parrot shirt?" A) I don't have parrot shirt and B) for $20,000 I'll check. So I called Taffner productions but I didn't want to tell them I was offered money. I asked them if there's anyway I can get some of the old wardrobe. The long answer was no. Not that I can't have it but no, they don't know where any of that stuff is. I was like okay, fine.

Me: Ha. Too bad you couldn't make a replica. Richard, thanks for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun. Please come back again. Stay safe.

Richard: Thank you. You too.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Larry Kline for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with LeVar Burton. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon