I can feel something coming on the Phile... today. Oh, yeah. I can feel something coming on the Phile today... oh, yeah. Hahahaha. I'm an idiot. Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? Anyone who has watched "The Crown" knows that Queen Elizabeth II's job is to look stable while weathering every major conflict of the 20th century, which continues as her reign endures through the 21st. The latest headache for the 93-year-old comes courtesy of her second son Prince Andrew, who was close friends with notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, who is now serving time in Hell. A picture famous in both news reports and court documents showed Andrew in 2001 with a then-17 year old, who later claimed that she was paid to have sexual relations with the prince. Here it is...
Buckingham Palace never explained the photo, but released a statement yesterday saying that Prince Andrew is "appalled" by reports of his buddy's sex abuse. People find it hard to believe that Epstein's activities came as a surprise to Andrew, considering the photo above and a recently unearthed video that showed him chillin' in the convicted pedophile's Manhattan mansion. Not only did Andrew hang out with Epstein on both sides of the Atlantic, he also reportedly had Epstein and his co-conspirator/girlfriend Ghislaine Maxwell at both Windsor Castle and Balmoral, a huge honor for any commonor. The Royal House of Windsor has survived being associated with Nazis, so it likely will manage to keep their faces on the British pounds through Prince George's coming-of-age. But will taxpayers put up with this posh group of sexual deviants paid to represent them? We know how much us Brits love referendums.
Middle school never ends. Wendy Williams was turned away from 50 Cent's party because he doesn't like that she talks about him on her show. The "In Da Club" rapper hosted a soiree at New Jersey club BarCade and declared it a Williams-free zone. 50 Cent's pettiness level: he shared a video on Instagram of the line, and you can hear a woman narrate, "Wendy Williams not being able to get in." Here is a screenshot...
Complete with thinky face and eyebrow-raise emojis, 50 Cent wrote...
Williams can be spotted wearing a Yankees hat, stuck outside with the riffraff like somebody who doesn't have their own talk show. It looks like Williams may have pulled an Ivanka Trump and Instagrammed as if she made it to the main event. She shared a picture of her and Snoop Dogg in what appears to be a lobby, and she would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for 50's post. Williams was going to get into that party or die tryin'.
Katy Perry has been accused of sexual misconduct by Josh Kloss, who appeared alongside her in her video for "Teenage Dream." In an Instagram post, the 38-year-old model claims the pop star once pulled out his pants and underwear without his consent and flashed his genitals to her friends at a party. He says he decided to share the story in response to people celebrating the song's ninth anniversary this month. He also throws shade at the #metoo movement in the post, saying, “Our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse, but females with power are just as disgusting." In the post, he says when he first met Katy Perry, she "embarrassed" him by saying that kissing him was "gross." She later invited him to a strip club, but he declined. He then details the alleged incident, which he says occurred after he brought a friend to meet her at a birthday party at a roller rink following her breakup with Russell Brand. He describes Perry as "still my crush" at the time, and says when she flashed his genitals to her friends, it left him feeling "pathetic and embarrassed." He then says he has decided to share his story to prove women in power are equally "disgusting" as men in power. Kloss also claims he only made $650 in total off the "Teenage Dream" video and that her reps forbade him from publicly discussing anything regarding the singer. Finally, he calls his job working on the song "one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs" he's ever done and decided to speak out because he's done "helping her BS image." Johnny Wujek, whose party they were allegedly at the night of the "incident," defended Perry in the comments, claiming Kloss had an "obsession" with the singer. In a second, caps-laden post, Kloss claims he was "supposed to minimize myself and stay PC" in order to "protect [Perry's] image." What a mess.
An anti-vaxx mom is getting roasted for her angry response to a school's sign requiring children be immunized in order to attend. In a less unhinged world, schools wouldn't need to post signs requiring parents use modern medicine to protect their children from deadly diseases, but this is sadly not the reality. In the past decade, the growing anti-vaxxer community has become outspoken, with celebrity talking heads like Jenny McCarthy pushing scientifically debunked misinformation about the "dangers" of vaccines. Because of this, many schools are forced to draw up rules and requirements about vaccinations in order to protect children en masse. In response, some anti-vaxx parents are choosing to homeschool their kids or transfer to schools without requirements. A recent exchange posted on Imgur shows how one anti-vaxx mom lashed out in response to a school's sign about shots. In the face of required immunizations, one mom threatened to homeschool her kids, and went on to declare all the reasons her children would be far safer at home. The mom's response immediately ushered in a bevy of fellow parents expressing disapproval towards her dangerous beliefs. Several people pointed out how crucial herd immunity is to general public health, so hopefully, the anti-vaxx mom lives near parents with more sense than her. She responded by laying out why she believes vaccines are harmful to children (again, none of these reasons are backed by science). When she laid out her beliefs that vaccines weaken children, it didn't surprise or convince the naysayers to convert to her beliefs. While these exchanges can feel petty at times, particularly when it's a group of people piling on one lone mom, it's truly dangerous for people like this to send their unvaccinated children to school with others. Plus, their children deserve to live in homes that believe in the bounty of modern medicine.
Chrissy Teigen is a supermodel cookbook writer with the EGOTting husband and cutest kids in the world, but her body is fragile just like yours and mine. Teigz visited her home state of Utah for a friend's wedding, and got sick with a painful case of altitude sickness. She had a bad case of angioedema, which is the fancy term for swollen lip, but not the glamorous kind a la Kylie Jenner. Teigen's was "hard like glass," which sounds painful. Teigen addressed the bride and groom in a video, joking, "Why have you chosen to get married in a place... that would try to destroy me?" Being sick sucks. Being sick at a friend's wedding sucks even more.
If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up in the middle of a Kmart in the 70s.
I would got straight to the toy section though. You know who I think has a TARDIS? Ivanka Trump. Here's proof...
Not long ago Trump went to Ohio and those people sure had some to the point anti-Trump protest signs.
Trump said recently he was there with the 9/11 first responders. He also was the Queen of England at one point...
That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...
Do you know your neighbors? I don't know mine. Anyway, I hope you never get a note from your neighbors like this one...
Ever see those people holding signs on the side of the road? Some of those guys are pretty clever, like this guy...
Hahaha. I was in the book store the other day looking at children's books and this old one sure had an odd title.
Hmmm. Is that pic blurry to you? I know my eyes are getting bad but that's ridiculous. You get the joke though, right? You can still read it. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...
Top Phive Ways On How To Be Politically Correct When Talking About Men
5. He does not have a beer gut. He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
4. He is not quiet. He is a Conversational Minimalist.
3. He is not stupid. He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
2. He does not get lost all the time. He discovers Alternative Destinations.
And the number one way on his to be politically correct when talking about men is..,
1. He is not balding. He is in Follicle Regression.
That one is pretty lame. If you spot the Mondphuck let me know. Okay, so, there's this local teacher who is pretty happy. It's the second week of school so I thought on his break I'd invite him back to see how things are going. Please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hello, Mr. Cylance, welcome back to the Phile. How is it going?
Mr. Cylance: Okay, except for this one student...
Me: What happened? It can't be too bad, right?
Mr. Cylance: Well, she took pictures of her dog eating peanut butter off her vagina and then sent it to her boyfriend.
Me: Ummm... and you know this how?
Mr. Cylance: He proceeded to share it with the whole school and then us teachers found out.
Me: Hmmm. what did you think of that?
Mr. Cylance: Animal... abuse...?
Me: Oh, boy.
Mr. Cylance: Yep. I have to get back to class, Jason. See you soon.
Me: Mr. Cylance, the happiest teacher around, kids.
They’re both wondering what happened to that first lady... Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, there's stuff that happens in Florida that happens nowhere else in the universe. Here once again is...
Orange pill bad. Brendan Dolan-King, a suspected drug dealer, was arrested in Clearwater, Florida for narcotics possession. Dolan-King had previously been busted for selling ecstasy tablets shaped like Darth Vader, and updated his stock to include the head of an even more menacing villain: President Donald Trump. The Smoking Gun reports that "Dolan-King was charged Friday with the narcotics raps after lab tests confirmed that a tan powder seized was fentanyl and that the Trump pills contained MDMA. Dolan-King has been in custody since late-June... when the drugs were found... on marijuana possession with intent to sell and probation violation counts." Finally: somebody is facing consequences for a Trump-related crime.
Trump is a tough pill to swallow. Another friend of the Phile wanted to stop by today so I said why not. Please welcome back...
Me: Hello, Samual, how are you?
Samual: I'm splendid, Jason. How are you?
Me: I'm good. So, what's going on?
Samual: I wanted to share something with your dear readers.
Me: Oh. That's cool, what's that?
Samual: I would order pizza, and after serving, I would... are you ready for it?
Me: Ummm... yeah...
Samual: KEEP THE PIZZA BOX IN THE OVEN AND TURN THE OVEN ON WARM!
Me: And you like that?
Samual: One word: LUXURIOUS!
Me: Okay then.
Samual: I am now getting hungry thinking of it. I am going off to eat lunch,,,
Me: Where are you going to have lunch, Samual?
Samual: That fancy restaurant Olive Garden of course. Bye for now!
Me: Samual Phancy, the fanciest man in town, kids. Can someone explain the pixie box thing to me? Please.
Man in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth mumbled, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very, very carefully, "Are. My. Test. Re. Sults. Back?"
I'm so excited about this... today's guest is an English drummer, singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actor, and author of Not Dead Yet: The Autobiography, the 103rd book to be pheatured in the Phil's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile one of my favorite singers of all time... Phil Collins!
Me: Hello, Phil. I'm a big fan! I am so excited you are here on the Phile. Welcome. How are you?
Phil: I'm pretty good, Jason. Thank you for the nice words... like the title of my memoir I'm not dead yet.
Me: I have to say of all the bands or music I thought you would be into like Sam Cooke or anybody on the Stax label you were a fan of the Action. They are a really good band I have to admit. You were a big fan of them, right?
Phil: Well, as soon as I hear the few bars of their cover of the Motown nugget "I'll Keep Holding On" it just reminds me how great they are. I went to the Marquee pretty much every night they played there. They were just an astonishing exciting live band. They were astonishing.
Me: Did you ever meet them?
Phil: Yeah, I got to finally meet them about 11 years ago. They reformed for a couple of gigs and they played the 100 Club in London and I got a chance to play two drums, double drummers with Roger Powell who've become one of my best friends.
Me: What was that like for you?
Phil: It was like playing with the Beatles. It was for me very, very special. I cherish Roger's friendship very much now. Reg King the singer has died and Mike Evans the bass player died so I've got a chance to play with them while they were all around and that was great.
Me: Okay, so I have to about "The Art of Dying" by George Harrison and was surprised to learn that you were hired to play congas on that track. when I listen to that track I don't hear any congas though, so what happened?
Phil: Phil Spector recorded a lot of different versions with different musicians. He ran through the whole thing, Phil Spector, there was Ringo on drums and George on guitar, Klaus Voormann on bass, and Billy Preston. He ran every combination of instruments to get his sound. I kept playing every time he said the drums but in fact when it came around to about two hours later and my hands were bleeding he said, "Okay, congas, you play this time." and he hadn't even been listening to me which at this point I was well past my peak and I had blood blisters by then.
Me: And didn't you say to George Harrison you'd love to hear the congas you played on that song?
Phil: Yeah, I met a German journalist who because he said, "You played on that album, didn't you?" he said, "I know George and he's remastering it, he's remixing it for the 30th anniversary version. I'll see if he could dig your tape out." This was on a Sunday and Tuesday I received a DAT tape in the mail with a note from George saying, "Dear Phil, could this be you?" I thought my god, I'm suddenly going to hear this thing from about 30 or 40 years ago. I didn't even listen to it at first I was so scared, and then eventually I took it down to my studio and put it on and the song started and the congas came in blistering loud and god awful. It was all over the place and I ran it to the end of the tape and at the end of the tape I heard George Harrison saying to Phil Spector, "Hey, Phil, can we do another one there with the congas?" I rewound it, rewound it and rewound it anyway it turned out he made the tape with Ray Cooper and told him to play badly and they sent it to me as a joke which I thought was funny after a while.
Me: Hahahahahahaha. Speaking of the Beatles, I got to interview Paul McCartney which was big thing for me but a few years ago you got into a feud with him, am I right? What happened there?
Phil: He was a little bit condescending to me a little bit but he didn't mean to be. He told me since he didn't mean to be, he was just being funny. He was a little condescending and it stung. Of course I remember these things and Paul was and still is a hero of mine. He wants to brush it under the carpet and I'm quite happy to do that and let people like you keep bringing it up. It's very difficult, but we're still great lovers. Ha ha.
Me: That's great. So, what was it like when you joined Genesis? Did you think what the hell am I getting myself into?
Phil: No, because it was twice the money I was getting before. It was ten dollars a week which is better than five dollars a week so I couldn't resist it.
Me: I have to tell you I saw Genesis in concert in the 90s in Tampa I think it was, and you guys came out and did two songs, then the band walked off stage. You then told the audience that you have throat problems and your doctor advised you that you shouldn't do the show. when you left the stage everyone thought it was a joke until the voice of the PA told everyone to leave. It was a great short show though. Haha. Anyway, in the 70s what were the shows like then?
Phil: I remember that show, and I am sorry. Peter had carved out a niche for himself when it came to the theatrical side of it. By the time we got to "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" it was a little over the top. Nobody else was doing it. I'd be playing and then suddenly I'd see this thing happening on my right, which was a giant inflatable penis that was filling the stage. I thought of course it's an inflatable penis. Then Peter was crawling though it, which is what you do I guess. It was great fun to do but more fun to talk about mind you.
Me: You said in the book that this era of Genesis was the inspiration for Spinal Tap. Am I right?
Phil: Yeah, I think we were perfect fodder for Spinal Tap. The part where the pod doesn't open and the scale model of Stonehenge. It was that era of when we could do things and it hadn't been done. We had things like misbehaving props and screens. We had three screens on the "Lamb" tour that were supposed to link up. I reckon we did about 105 shows and I reckon three or five times in the entire tour all of the screens worked all of the time.
Me: Haha. why do you think that is?
Phil: It was very primitive. We were a little ahead of the times in the terms of desire.
Me: Okay, I have to talk about your first solo record and the song "In the Air Tonight." What was the inspiration behind that song?
Phil: I wrote that song when my first marriage was falling apart.
Me: Now the song has become a phenomenon. It's an urban legend, it's in movies, it's in commercials and it is such a famous song. Is that strange for you, does it feel like that song still belongs to you?
Phil: Um, yes it does. It's one of those things. I know how it was put together. I know it was a kind of hit and miss. There was no masterplan. I didn't do that drum fill and tick they're going to be talking about this in 30 years from now. But yeah, it does feel like it's got a life of its own. It's out there. The Gorillaz played it, Mike Tyson in The Hangover. It's been used in so many shapes and forms. It's quite crazy it's got a life of its own but I'm grateful. I'm grateful for that.
Me: I have to mention that drum part. I think all dad's air drum in the car when that song comes on. I know I do. Hahaha. I know you have some back problems, so how difficult is it for you to play the drums in that song or any song?
Phil: I could do it. It's the subtlety even though that drum fill is not particularly subtle but there's a subtlety do what I do and what I play which involves my fingers and I had this neuro problem for a while. So even if I have to tape the stick to my hand I do something.
Me: It must be so frustrating to not be able to do something you're so known for or you're so naturally good at. Right?
Phil: Sure, I'm almost 68 and I've done it for over 60 years. We all age gradually and things happen in different points in our life.
Me: When did the pain in your back start, Phil?
Phil: Something happened on the Geneis reunion tour in 2007 that started this off. I can't quite remember but it's irrelevant really what started it off. But I apply myself to do something. My son Nick, who plays drums is on the tour.
Me: When my dad was alive and in Foghat he spent a lot of time on the road and away from us kids. Before he passed he said he regretted that. Would you take it slower if you could do it again?
Phil: Well, of course with the benefit of hindsight yes, I would pay more attention to what I said yes and what I said no to. At the time it all made perfect sense is all I could say. We could all change things in hindsight. The bigger question is would I do anything differently. I think not. I would certainly try to pay more attention to maybe be more selective. It was really only just Genesis tours and my tours, Genesis albums and my albums. I threw in a lot of other stuff that I was asked to do but maybe I should've learned that I can't do everything.
Me: I think the book is very funny and also very serious. You talked about when you almost drank yourself to death. What did you learn about yourself going through that shit?
Phil: Well, I retired, and I retired to be with my kids and my family, but unfortunately by the time the old tanker stopped and the final tour was over my marriage was over too. So I ended up retiring to bring the kids up and the kids weren't there and I had a lot of time on my hands. I just started to drink too much. Basically. And I drank enough to almost kill myself. That happened a couple of times. I wasn't so bad at stopping but I was also good at starting again. But it's all better now. I'm back with the family, I've got things to do, we're doing these shows. I was wrong in saying I was gong to retire even though the intention was honourable to be with my kids. To actually stop working completely was taking a part of me away that I needed.
Me: If your son has one thing to take home after the experience of playing on the road what do you want that to be?
Phil: Play as hard as you can. He's got his own little studio at the house and he's got his own band. He asks me to come upstairs to help him tune the drums. I don't really tune the drums, if they don't sound right I just hit them a bit harder.
Me: Can he play the fill in "In the Air Tonight"?
Phil: Oh, yeah, that's easy. That really is easy, all you really need is the sound. That's the thing.
Me: Phil, thanks so much for being on the Phile. This was a huge thrill for me, sir. Please come back again soon.
Phil: Thank you very much, Jason.
That was so cool, I just wish I could have asked him more questions. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks Phil Collins for a cool interview. The Phile will be back next Monday with musician Tony Smith. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon