Hello, and welcome to another edition of the Peverett Phile, I am your host, Jason 'Crash' Peverett. It's been a rough week so far. On Sunday I woke up at 1:30 am with a bad ear pain. I drove myself to the hospital and discovered I had a real bad ear infection. So, I didn't go to work Monday or Tuesday. I went back to work on Wednesday only to crash a Segway that threw me off. I was unconcious for at least three minutes before I came to having strangers yell my name over and over again. An Alpha Run was called...Disney's fancy word for ambulance...I was put ina neck brace and strapped to a board and taken to Celebration Hospital. Countless x-rays and cat scans later it turned out I didn't broke any bones, but hurt my lower back, right shoulder, neck and legs. The doctor said I was lucky I didn't break my neck or geta concussion. Oh, I also have carpet burns on my elbows. anyway, I know the Guests and Cast Members that witnessed the wreck will be talking about it for days, months, maybe years. Me, I have other stuff to talk about. By the way, my right collar bone is hurting like hell as I type this. This edition of the Phile should be sponsored by Vicadin. Anyway, did you see how high gas prices have gotten this week? You know gas is expensive when the guy behind the counter is wearing a ski-mask. Give you an idea how expensive gas is, that ambulance ride saved me four dollars. President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either. Republicans in congress are demanded that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaging in price gouging. Putting the White House in charge of investigating the oil companies? Isn't that like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? It's really cool we cans till laugh at that Dick Cheney shooting accident after all this time. Immigration debate goes on, Senator Hillary Clinton says she wants a "smart wall" at the Mexican border...the only thing that can defeat these smart walls - smart Wal-Marts. At the national portrait gallery in Washington, D.C. new portraits were unveiled of former President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton. The Smithsonian said that the portraits of Bill and Hillary will not hang in the same room. Boy, talk about art reflecting life. I'm surprised they did a portrait of Hillary. I thought maybe an ice sculpture would have been more appropriate. "U.S. Weekly” reported Britney Spears is pregnant again. Good. Her baby boy will have someone to go to therapy with. In his latest audio tape Osama bin Laden says that the Bush administration is evil, it's made up excused to attack Iraq, and is obsessed with Middle Eastern oil. If Osama bin Laden keeps talking like that he could wind up the Democratic frontrunner. Speaking of that, Senator John Kerry said this week that he is thinking about running for president again but he hasn't made up his mind as of yet. Well, that should put to rest all those rumors about him being indecisive. Well, news from England: Queen Elizabeth turned 80 over the weekend. She’s more of a figurehead no power. Here in the United States we call that a Democrat. NASCAR is branching out. They have come out with their own line of meats. Don’t we already have that? Isn’t it called beef jerky?
This entry's Canned Laughter is brought to you by a co-worker named Scott. Jason, I was thinking of you today at the hospital and this came to me as I remember my current stay in the same hospital! A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
DOCTOR WHO NEWS
Ratings for the seventh episode of the first season of the new series, The Long Game, on US television on the Sci Fi Channel, are in. The numbers were slightly up from the previous week, averaging a 1.20 household rating with an average viewing audience of 1.4 million viewers, up one-tenth of a million from the previous week's low for "Dalek". Season-to-date, Sci Fi reports that Doctor Who is currently averaging a 1.35 household rating and an average audience of 1.6 million viewers for the season (noting also that the audience, according to their current mid-season demographics, is 64% male/36% female, with a median age of 47 years.)
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Before I talk about 'The Amazing Race' let me talk about Survivor as I haven't in a while. Bruce’s medical problem on last week’s episode of Survivor Panama was eventually treated, but it took eight hours for him to get medical care. First, Bruce tells TV Guide, the camera crew was more interested in Shane and Courtney’s bitching about not being selected for the reward challenge, so that “[b]y the time the camera crews had come back with the producers and medics, it had been three hours and it was pitch-dark.” At that point, “it was too late for them to bring a helicopter, so they loaded me into the speedboat.” He says that “[The trip to proper medical care] took five hours. It was worse than a rattlesnake bite.” Once he was treated, he says, doctors “stuck a catheter in me and over a quart and a half of urine exploded out. They were shocked and said I could have been dead.” Bruce suggests that was partially the fault of people on the crew, who “kept telling me to drink more water, and it was like a water balloon getting bigger and bigger. That was a big problem. Then I thought I was having appendicitis, or my abdominal artery was going to explode. My dad passed away from that.” While Bruce has healed fully, he still had trauma in his life when he returned. After “teaching for 34 years,” he says that his assistant principal told him “that if I don’t show up for school the next day, he was going to ask the school board to terminate me permanently. I asked for a leave of absence with no pay.” That wasn’t granted, so when he returned from the show, he “was suspended for five more days, so I lost two months of pay. I still am baffled by one man’s decision. I love teaching, though, so it didn’t make me bitter. I’m back and having the best time with my kids.” And now for 'The Amazing Race'. Official reality TV show blogs are usually these are worth avoiding; more often than not, they’re self-serving, boring, orboth. Thus, I never visited Amazing Race host Phil Keoghan’s blog at CBS.com. It’s new this season, although the site has had Phil-centric features before, such as a video diary and uncut “mat chat” video. But Phil’s blog is sometimes even more fascinating than the episode itself. At the very least, it adds to our enjoyment of the race—and to the wonder of how this incredible production comes together. In large part, that’s because it appears Phil actually wrote his blog entries while on the race; he’s not reflecting on the show now, but commenting on it in real time. (In his episode 9 comments, he mentions talking into a Dictaphone, so that explains how he managed to keep detailed records.) More significantly, he adds to our understanding of the production and the demands placed on both him and everyone else. He’s unquestionably the hardest working host in the business: At the end of episode nine, he notes, “I have two shows from season 8 to do voiceover for. We’ll set up a makeshift voiceover booth in a hotel room.” During his episode five commentary, Phil notes that he coincidentally ended up on the same flight as BJ and Tyler, and Eric and Jeremy. Later, he and his producer were, he writes, “rushing to get to the Pit Stop before BJ & Tyler get there. They had about an hour and a half lead on us, they got through the Detour very quickly.” Phil beat them to the pit stop, where he said that he’d have to “do a quick hair wash in the parking lot.” Washing your hair in the parking lot: Ryan Seacrest, I dare you to do that before the cameras start rolling.
In its eight episode, The Amazing Race 9 returned to the homoeroticism that has become this season’s version of the hypocritical religiosity that was pervasive during the family edition last season. In addition, the teams were back to old form, delivering an entertaining leg of the race. Highlights from it:
- “We’re stopping to drop off money at BJ’s car. We’re giving them $20,” Fran said, “they have none,” Barry finished. He added that “the other teams see us as real competitive now.” Well, not now that you’re helping them, you morons.
- A few minutes later, we learned while Fran and Barry gave money to BJ and Tyler: Monica said that “the hippies wanted us to leave money on their car, but they said that if we didn’t give them money they wanted to Yield us.” In other words, the little bastards threatened the other teams, and of course it worked on the old people. So the clowns can be dicks; who knew? Monica and Joseph were not up for being threatened: “we ran over to their car and gave them nothing,” Joseph said.
- While Ray and Yolanda did leave money, Eric and Jeremy did not, and this gave Eric the opportunity to craft a metaphor that made no sense other than to further our perception of him as a womanizing jerkface. “It’s like trying to get in a girl’s pants, you know: lie, cheat, steal, you know, whatever you can,” he said, while Jeremy chuckled.
- Upon finding the money in their car, BJ shouted, “Oh my god! There is money they left for us!” as if it was an act of mercy, not the result of a threat. But he confirmed a second later that they did, indeed, extort the other teams; he was “worried about the teams that didn’t leave us money. Better watch out,” he said.
- BJ picked up a hitchhiker, which was nice until Tyler used the opportunity to make fun of yet another foreign accent.
- “Can I get some of this Bedouin lovin’,” BJ asked, after their hitchhiking friend bumped noses with Tyler but not him. “That guy rocked my world,” Tyler said.
- “Everybody looked like they saw a ghost when they saw the hippies,” Ray said, after BJ and Tyler barely made it onto the same flight to Australia. They then proceeded to jump up and down in the aisles, and alas, there were no air marshals on board to mace them.
- “What is that stench?” Monica asked, in the back seat of a cab. “Oh, I think it’s because Eric and Jeremy came by. Stinky boys, stinky.”
- Sometimes Fran looks exactly like Aunt Edna from National Lampoon’s Vacation. You know, without the walker.
- “Ahh! Come on! Come on! Come on!” Guess who screamed that while slapping his teammate in the ass? (The unsurprising answer: Jeremy)
- Moments later, entering a hostel that most of the teams decided to stay in, Jeremy said, and I am not making this up, “Nice, I got bottom.”
- “We’re in the Pleasure Dome,” Barry said, upon finding their named room. “What does that mean?” Fran asked. “I don’t know,” Barry said. Fran asked, “Do we have other people in here?” “I guess so,” Barry replied. They got excited looks on their faces, and Barry said, “This race has ruined our sex life. I’ll tell you that.” Just in case we didn’t have a vivid enough picture in our mind already, Fran added, “That’s for damn sure.”
- Changing before the Detour, either Eric or Jeremy said, “You guys wanna see some ass?” For the sake of argument, let’s just assume it was Jeremy. A few moments later, though, he said, “We’re in our amazing Speedos. If there were chicks, we’d be hooking up with them.” Um, probably not.
- “This is a Baywatch moment,” one of them said, running toward a bearded Australian man. As they walked away with their clue, Eric’s Speedo slipped down, and whoever you are and whatever you like, we all owe the editors $10 for blurring his ass crack.
- The teams had to find a place called Fremantle Prison. Also known as American Idol.
- “I have every right to be scared of him,” Monica said. About a lobster.
- “Apparently it’s a great thing we have a lead, because my partner is lost in the catacombs of a prison. … I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing,” Eric said. Well, Eric, it’s a prison, and it’s Jeremy. And you kind of answered your own question in the sentence.
- “These lights are boning us big time,” BJ said. He was talking about stoplights; apparently, he gets turned on by almost anything.
- Eric said to a group of women who refused to give him directions, “thanks for ignoring us,” as if that was the first time a woman had ever ignored him.
- “Kind of like the Pirates of the Caribbean,” Yolanda said as she rowed through tunnels beneath a prison.
- I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that Eric and Jeremy, who yet again came in first, will win. I’m just going to start calling them Zach and Flo.
- “We’re last; I feel badly,” Fran said. We do too, Fran. Although they were remarkably incompetent at times, they were also quite resilient and managed to come in first once. “I don’t want to cry,” Fran said. “I’m not going to cry,” she said, crying. “She’s an incredible woman, and I couldn’t exist without her,” Barry said.
Here’s a match made in heaven: beer and robots. For most of the world, it’s a match we are left to simply dream of (you know, slave bots bringing you a cold one, instead of the usual “Get it yourself!”) If you live in Japan however, you should know that Asahi is running a promotion where they’ll be giving away 5,000 fully stocked refrigerator robots. What do these lovely creatures do? Well, aside from stocking and cooling up to six cans of beer and two mugs, upon the press of a button, the machine will open up a can, and pour in into the mug with a perfect head every time. To win one, contestants must collect 36 seals found on specially marked Asahi beers. Of course, you don’t have to drink the beer… but then you’d probably be missing the point. Anyway, here's a picture of it:
http://www.matthewbarr.co.uk/muppets/ Which Muppet are you? Me? I am Gonzo apparently.
I HAVE A MIGRAINE
How many faces do you see?
ILoo: Back in 2003, Microsoft announced it was working on an internet-enabled toilet. It's best not to think about what would happen if you got a BSD while using the thing. Rumor has it the French version runs the Mac OS. Savetoby.com: This started in either 2004 or 2005, when James Mceahly put up a website threatening to kill a rabbit named Toby if he didn't receive $50,000 by June 30, 2005. The date keepschanging: It's currently Nov. 6, 2006. Either he can't catch the damn thing or it's multiplying like crazy. Bonsai kittens: The perpetrators here claimed they were raising cats from birth in Mason jars to sell as pets. In Mason jars. The FBI actually fell for this one. So did People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but they're insane. Tourist Guy: Soon after 9/11, a picture circulated through e-mail of a guy on top of the World Trade Center. The date stamp was 9/11/01, and in the background a plane was seen hurtling toward him. A badly Photoshopped plane. But I fell for it. GI Joe hostage: One of my personal favorites was from February 2005, when someone made up a fake website supposedly showing a U.S. soldier being held hostage. Turns out the "hostage" was a GI Joe doll. There was a picture of him being threatened by someone off-camera pointing his own plastic M16 at him. Several people noticed this, causing the mainstream media to issue retractions a few hours after running the news flash. Duke Nukem Forever: This game was first announced in 1997. Then its release date was pushed back. Again. And again. 3D Realms Entertainment swears it will deliver this thing eventually. Hopefully the developers are not getting paid by the hour, although if they are, perhaps that's the whole problem right there. When do we stop taking this product seriously? I would argue that nine years is long enough. Okay, I just shoved the rest I had into one entry. Why drag something on for so long, eh?
Star Trek 11: J.J. Abrams will produce the next installment of the formerly dead franchise. Rumors had a prequel showing the first meeting of Spock and Kirk at Starfleet Academy — I always figured it went something like this — but that story line's been proved false.
The INXS Biopic: If Johnny Depp signs on to star, would he re-enact the autoerotic death of Michael Hutchence? Maybe they'll do a sequel about a reality-show contest to find a new singer.
Tomb Raider 3: Stay in Namibia after your Brad baby is born, because nobody wants to see this.
Batman 2: Apparently studio bosses have their assistants surf the Web and tell them what people are chatting about on fan-site message boards, because Josh Lucas is suddenly in the running to play Harvey Dent. It started out as an online rumor, but now it might actually happen. OK, people — time to start blogging about casting Kate Beckinsale as Wonder Woman. Let's make it happen! What, I'm alone on this? Fine.
Jurassic Park IV: Hey, wait a minute. A few months ago, they said an awesome script was, like, totally done and ready to shoot, and now they're saying there's no script at all? Where'd it go? What a crazy world we're living in. What's next, a delay on Indy 4?
Digital 3-D Movies: Hey, James Cameron: You know what won't get people back in theaters? Showing movies in 3-D. When you invent some sort of laser to blast the jackass on the cell phone sitting behind me, lemme know. Oh, and get rid of the pre-show commercials while you're at it.
The Coolkids: Let me decode some marketing B.S. used to describe this project. "In the vein of Napoleon Dynamite." This means the producers jumped on the bandwagon a year late. "Set in the world of emo." This is an attempt at guessing what "hip" teens are listening to. "CoolKids." This is a graphic designer mangling the English language. "Franchise will include a soundtrack, novel and line of merchandise." This means 10,000 pounds of crap will be dumped in a landfill.
Okay, that's it from me for another week while I heal. Don't forget to check out the Peverett Phile webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs . I put a few pictures of Logan's soccer game up from last Saturday. I will leave you with a random picture. Remember, spread the word...not the turd.