Let me ask you something. Well, first, hello, and welcome to the Phile. Okay, let me ask you something. Did you see the Olympics tonight? Do you want to know what the coverage was tonight at prime time on NBC? Men's Olympic Curling. Olympic Curling. Hmmm, take that American Idol. We're finding out now from the athletes taking part in the Olympics that the food is lousy. It's terrible they're saying. But seriously, how are you supposed to find good grub in Italy? Think about it. Here's something you hate to see happen: Martha Stewart and Donald Trump are having a feud. Donald Trump says that Martha Stewart's version of The Apprentice is awful. Today she hired some of her ex-con convicts to rough him up. Here's some good news, President George Bush wants to end our dependency on foreign oil. Nice to see him ripping that in the bud. Get right to it, George. You know, I was thinking, having an Arab company running American ports is like having Courtney Love keeping an eye on your medicine cabinet. That's like hiring Britney to car pool your kids, like telling Kirstie Alley to guard the buffet. You get the idea. Well, last Monday, on the 20th of February, I celebrated 18 years at Disney. Yes, 18 years. People at work asked me what I have learned in those years. Well, I learned that Mickey wears pants and no shirt and Donald wears a shirt and no pants. Last weekend we went to see the filming of Extreme Makeover: Home Improvement. The house they were building is in the worst part of Central Florida you can imagine. It was as ghetto as ghetto could be, and they are building a half million dollar house right in the middle of it. You could tell the neighbors are ready to break in and steal the plasma television. I was going to put on a blue t-shirt and a hard hat and help out until I found out everyone was volunteering. I also went hunting with Dick Cheney, and guess what? I was shot. Yep. Here's proof, people. http://igotshotbydickcheney.com/cnn.php?firstname=Jason&lastname=Peverett&age=37&occupation=Epcot+Cast+Member&hometown=Minneola&game=chicken&pronoun1=he&pronoun2=him&imageurl=&Submit=Submit
It has been a sad week for the Peverett family. My grandmother, my late father's mother, passed away in her sleep on Monday. She was 85 years old. And our family dog Joey, who has been living with my sister and her husband in Amsterdam has also passed away. He was 15.
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, could you give me condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!" Then he tells the pharmacist: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives him the two condoms; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says: "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting something from me!! During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner.. thank you for all you give us...!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..." Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She
gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!" The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"
DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP
I apologize if anybody was offended by the pornpicture that mysteriously showed up on the Phile. My wife Jen asked me if I went to the other side. So, as you can imagine, I wasn't happy. Anyway, the dirty pictures cleaned up remains to be a popular feature. After all, it's not really porn, or is it?
FAKE OR FOTO
The last picture of the close up of the car hood was foto. Now, what about these monkeys? Are they fake...or foto?
Here's a new feature I like to call...
I HAVE A MIGRAINE
IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE
Okay, that's the last Dick Cheney joke I'm gonna put on the Phile. Until he pins Brit Hume up against the wall by his throat that is.
THERE IS A GOD
The latest cover of Vanity Fair. And Jennifer Garner is going to be topless in her new movie 'Sabbatical'.
This weeks topic: five unpopular jobs you should have. Is there a severe labor shortage looming for the United States? It depends whom you ask. The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) projects a labor force of 162.3 million people by 2012. At the same time, the BLS predicts that the 2012 economy will require 165.3 million jobs to be filled. For years, doomsayers have interpreted these statistics to mean the economy will experience a shortage of 3 million workers. But this simply isn't true, insisted Michael W. Horrigan in the February 2004 issue of the BLS' Monthly Labor Review. Horrigan wrote that multiple job holding and statistical differences between the BLS and Current Employment Statistics surveys, not an impending labor shortage, account for the differences between the numbers. Although the BLS says there will not be a generalized shortage, certain jobs will experience a shortage of qualified workers. Here are five that are expected to be hit particularly hard: 1. Registered Nurse The nursing shortage has been fairly well-publicized. According to a report from the U.S. Department of Health and Human services, there was a shortage of 110,000 RNs in 2000, or about 6 percent of the national demand. The shortage is expected to grow to 29 percent by 2020. What's causing this dramatic shortage? For one thing, the report states there will be an 18 percent increase in population by 2012. Plus, the aging of the baby boomers will result in a larger proportion of elderly people. To make matters worse, after 2011 the number of nurses leaving the profession is expected to exceed the number entering it. Nursing salaries are increasing to help boost interest. The starting salary for registered nurses was nearly $39,000 in an April 2005 survey by the National Association of Colleges and Employers. According to the BLS, median annual salaries were $53,640 in November 2004. 2. Machinist In Deloitte's 2005 Skills Gap Report, 90 percent of respondents indicated a moderate to severe shortage of qualified skills production employees like machinists, who use machine tools, such as lathes, machining centers and milling machines to produce precision metal parts. Machinists are becoming ever-more productive, but job opportunities for machinists are expected to be excellent, according to the BLS. These days, many young people are choosing to attend college or are shying away from production occupations. Thus, there are not enough new machinists to fill newly created jobs or replace experienced machinists who leave the occupation or retire. According to the Princeton Review, the average starting salary for a machinist is $22,500. The median salary for machinists is just over $34,000, according to the BLS. 3. Librarian Studies have shown that librarians are expected to exit the profession en masse in coming years. The American Library Association Web site quotes statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau indicating that more than one-quarter of all librarians will reach the age of 65 by 2009. A study published in the Library Journal found that 40 percent of library directors would retire by that same year. In addition to the librarians expected to retire within the next decade, interest in the profession is waning among younger workers, according to the BLS. The situation is particularly dire for colleges and universities, which report the greatest difficulty in hiring librarians due to lower pay. Graduates of library programs in 2004 reported an average starting salary of more than $39,000, an increase of nearly 3 percent over the previous year. The median salary for librarians is nearly $47,000, according to the BLS. 4. Truck Driver Getting those eBay packages delivered might take longer by 2014. A report prepared for the American Trucking Associations by Global Insight, Inc. warns there is already a shortage of about 20,000 long-haul heavy-duty truck drivers. By 2014, the deficit is expected to reach 111,000. The report blames slipping wages for the shortage. Trucking wages fell sharply with the onset of the recession in 2000 and have yet to recover. According to the BLS, the median salary for heavy or tractor-trailer truck drivers is $33,870. 5. Pharmacist What, no refills? Pharmacists should have no trouble finding a job in coming years. A recent report from the Pharmacy Manpower Project predicted there will be a shortage of 157,000 pharmacists by 2020. Already, the American Hospital Association reports a 7.4 percent vacancy rate for pharmacists. The shortage can be partially attributed to the aging population and the fact that more drugs are being manufactured and advertised to the public. In fact, the number of prescriptions has increased from 2 billion to 3.2 billion in the last 10 years. That problem is expected to worsen with the new Medicare prescription drug program that began Jan. 1, pharmacy officials told CNN in November. To help cope, universities are opening new pharmacy programs and expanding existing ones. The high pay currently offered by pharmacist employers can't hurt, either. The BLS reports the median salary for pharmacists is over $87,000.
ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH
Here's a trailer for Spongebob Squarepants new movie:
And now, for the infamous...
Untitled Dusty Springfield biopic: Ang Lee's next movie might have Kate Moss playing one of Charlize Theron's lovers. Read that last sentence again: One of Charlize Theron's lovers. That means plural!
The Scanner Darkly: What is undoubtedly gonna be the coolest movie of the year, Keanu's brain fights with itself — and that's the least weird thing going on.
Casino Royale: The bad guy is some dude you've never heard of with a silly name and the Bond babe is an actress whose resume stops after a soft-core art flick and a swords-and-sandals flop everyone hated. When is the next Bourne movie coming out?
Indiana Jones 4: Spielberg says he "is about" to make the long-awaited fourth installment and promises it will be the "sweet dessert I give those who had to chow down on the bitter herbs that I've used in Munich." That's fine, but what about all the saccharin it took to make the end of War of the Worlds?
Jurassic Park IV: Rumors have Spielberg slotting the third dino sequel before Indy 4 so it can hit screens in 2008. Wrong. Unless Harrison Ford drops dead tomorrow, Indy's going first. Though if Keira Knightley signs on to play the dino creator's granddaughter, I'll whack Harrison myself to get JP4 going. Now back to staring at the Vanity Fair cover …
X-Men 3: The Last Stand: In this MTV interview, Brett Ratner tries desperately to explain away the awful pics that led to a fanboy revolt. Apparently they were "done in the testing process" and the finished product will look totally different. Read: less sucky. Oddly enough, I believe him. I also believe that Rush Hour 2 doesn't exist.
Project 880: Sure, James Cameron knows a thing or two about blockbusters, but tying a bajillion-dollar movie to the hope that people will tolerate wearing 3-D glasses is just dumb. I ain't putting on those red and blue things.
Fantastic Four 2: Joining the foursome: the Silver Surfer, who might be played by … Keanu Reeves? That's cool and all, but if they're looking for someone from Point Break, it was Swayze who played the surfer.
Batman Begins 2: Now that the Bond stuff is out of the way, we can go back to obsessing about a much worthier franchise. The latest word has Hugo Weaving playing the Joker and Hugh Jackman as Harvey Dent. I'm not sold on Jackman in anything that doesn't involve mutants, but Weaving is the only actor named so far who could hold a candle to Nicholson.
Fanboys: That girl from Veronica Mars is starring and calls this comedy "Swingers for nerds." It's about a crew of Star Wars geeks who take a road trip to Skywalker Ranch but get into a brawl with some Trekkies along the way. Guessing they'll fight with 20-sided dice, plastic Lightsabers and toy phasers instead of fists.
Well, that's about it. In the next entry I will try to give you my Oscar predictions. I hope you all have a good week. I will leave you with a random picture as always. 'Nuff said.