Thursday, January 17, 2019

Pheaturing Beth Nielsen Chapman

Hey kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? Okay, let's start off by talking about the government worker who has been rationing insulin thanks to the shutdown. It would be remiss to suggest that Trump's approval rating is the real victim of shutdown, when the people most hurt by the temper tantrum are the ones who need to get paid. NBC reports that Mallory Lorge, a Department of the Interior employee with Type I diabetes, has only two vials of insulin left and can't afford the $300 copay while furloughed. While most people get their insulin for free from their pancreas, Lorge needs to pay for hers, and she can't pay for it without a paycheck. Lorge said that she suffered from high blood sugar last week, but was forced not to treat it so she can save her insulin for later. "When it gets that high you can go into diabetic ketoacidosis, you can go into a coma," she told NBC. "I can’t afford to go to the ER. I can’t afford anything. I just went to bed and hoped I’d wake up." NBC didn't ask Lorge whether she'd rather have a border wall with Mexico or live, but I'm assuming it's the latter.   Pump it.
The latest company capitalizing on the #MeToo era seeking to put something out in the universe that isn't sexist, toxic sludge is Gillette, which is calling on men to smooth out their stubble and their sense of entitlement. Gillette's ad starts out with men looking in the mirror... literally and figuratively... before launching into toxic masculinity's greatest hits: bullying, sexual harassment, and mansplaining. The razor company then offers solutions, other then buying their razors, telling men to hold one another accountable for their bad behavior. Now a lot of people are pissed that a commercial, which historically has reflected such bad behavior, is telling dudes to be better. Toxic masculinity's foremost spokesman, Piers Morgan, has already rage-tweeted a bunch, providing the material for the next ad.

A lot of dudes have really thin skin about this, not that there's anything wrong with being sensitive! Some dudes to took the the opportunity to prove the need for the ad. Men's Rights Activists have also already called for a boycott, which if their Nike boycott is any indication, will make Gillette a shit ton of money. Hopefully they're not too dense to realize just how hilariously they're being trolled.
It looks like Tomi Lahren is at it again, being the absolute worst. The blonde Barbie dream house of Fox News' millennial chapter had an opinion on Twitter about Gillette's new commercial on toxic masculinity. It's unclear what Fox News would be discussing if Gillette didn't run this ad as their coverage in the last week has been 90% complaining about a razor commercial and 0% worrying about Trump's temper tantrum shutdown. While Lahren is famous for her controversial opinions, this seems like a bizarre hill to die on. Even if there was a universe where Gillette was going too far to prove that treating women like garbage isn't a good look, the worst case scenario is that men would be scared of treating women like garbage. Tomi, why are you so angry about this? Who hurt you? Here's her tweet...

For the record, there is no part of this ad that addresses gender neutral pronouns, men wearing makeup or playing with dolls. Even if it did, though, it's still confusing as to why Lahren would be so angry. The goal of feminism isn't for men to act like women, it's for men and women to be equals. Tomi, are you okay? Is this all a big act for fame and a Fox News career? Please wink twice. Better luck next time, Lahren.
Last Thursday, The Wall Street Journal published a report on convicted felon Michael Cohen's dirty deeds for President Trump, which included a revelation that is like to surprise absolutely nobody. During the 2016 campaign, Cohen recruited John Gauger, the chief technology officer at the evangelical Liberty University, to help rig polls in Trump's favor, and while he's at it, create a fan Twitter that celebrates Cohen as a sex symbol... "During the presidential race, Mr. Cohen also asked Mr. Gauger to create a Twitter account called @WomenForCohen. The account, created in May 2016 and run by a female friend of Mr. Gauger, described Mr. Cohen as a 'sex symbol,' praised his looks and character, and promoted his appearances and statements boosting Mr. Trump’s candidacy."    That's right. At Cohen's request, the account @WomenForCohen was born, and these fake women loved their "Strong, pit bull, sex symbol, no nonsense" man! In this fantasy world, Cohen and Trump were hot stuff. The contractor paid by Trump for both the polling and thirst trap services says that he was paid with “a blue Walmart bag containing between $12,000 and $13,000 in cash and, randomly, a boxing glove that Mr. Cohen said had been worn by a Brazilian mixed martial arts fighter," The Wall Street Journal reports. He was promised $50,000. The sexy pitbull Michael Cohen confirmed the poll-rigging stuff, but made no mention of his imaginary fan club. If you think he's hot now, just wait until he gets out of prison.
Elizabeth Darlene Wilson, 31, of Minerva, Ohio showed up to court for her hearing on drug charges with a backpack full of drugs, immediately setting up a follow up appointment. ABC News 5 Cleveland reports that Wilson brought evidence to her court appearance that included ".53 grams of meth and MDMA, 11 blue capsule pills stamped R 3060 which appear to be amphetamine and dextroamphetamine extended release pills according to, a pipe with residue used to smoke or inhale methamphetamine, along with a paperclip with residue, 11 pills identified as gabapentin, a clear bag with marijuana buds weighing 2.32 grams and a glass pipe with burnt marijuana residue." Now that's one way to bribe a judge.
Some people are so dumb they made the entire Internet face palm in 2018.

Words are hard. Some clap backs at MAGA trolls that made the Internet great again in 2018.

Welcome to the OC, bitch. If I had a TARDIS I would go see Marilyn Monroe filming her iconic scene in The Seven Year Itch in New York City in '54.

That was probably the highlight of the bystanders life! You know what bugs me? Millennial's with obnoxious t-shirts. Like this girl...

I wonder how many guys kissed her. I was thinking today raccoons are such smart and fascinating animals. You don't believe me? Take a look at this...

See? I told you. So, are you people up north prepared for the snow? If not this book might help you...

That book should be the 92nd book in the Phile's Book Club. Nah. Hey, it's Thursday... you know what that means.

Ack! Gross! That's gonna make me sick. Alright, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Jeff: Hey, Jason, always glad to be back on the Phile. I'm doing alright. How about yourself?

Me: Not too bad. Okay, so, I thought this was really funny... Alshon Jeffery’s name on his Wikipedia page has been changed to "Alshon Butterfingers Jeffery." Look...

Me: I was trying to think of other nicknames for football players, but couldn't come up with any. Can you?

Jeff: While I understand the point of that, the dude messed up. We all have screwed up on the job. I know I have. I know you have! We just don't do all in a public setting on TV. Are we talking positive nicknames? Or negative fan created nicknames?

Me: Either...

Jeff: Not off the top of my head.

Me: Ditto. Did you see Michael Bennett freak out on a camera man for filming him after the Eagles loss to the Saints?

Jeff: Yeah, I saw Bennett's reactions. The guy is passionate about the game. Can't say I blame him. I'm not sure I would want the camera on me after a crushing defeat like that.

Me: What NFL news do you have, Jeff?

Jeff: The biggest news is the train wreck in Pittsburgh. One of the best players in the league is proving to be a diva and may be forcing his way out. More and more details of Antonio Brown are are emerging and it's not pretty. I don't wanna talk about it. So we'll talk about the coaching vacanies that got filled. The Jets hired former Dolphins coach Adam Gase. The Broncos hired former Bears defensive coach Vic Fangio. The Cardinals hired Kliff Kingsbury, former Texas Tech coach in college football and the Bucs hired former Cardinals coach Bruce Arians. There's still several coaching spots to fill. 

Me: Okay. Great Britain has taken over another team by the way...

Me: What do you think?

Jeff: Well, that's quite a mouthful of a team name. But it fits. I'm not going to argue it!

Me: Okay, so, how did we do last week? You're still winning by 10?

Jeff: We both went 1-1 last week, so yes, I'm still in the lead. Mathematically there's no way for you to win. Sorry, but not sorry. Cue Queen... I AM THE CHAMPION MY FRIENDS. Oh wait, copyright. Don't wanna get you in trouble!

Me: Ha! Okay, there's two games this Sunday... I say the Chiefs are gonna beat the Patriots by 8. And I say Saints by 5.

Jeff: As usual I will go with the opposite teams. So I will go Rams by 5 and... nope... I can't do it. I can't pick New England. I'll go Chiefs by 10!

Me: Okay, I will see you back here next Thursday. I think this is gonna be a good Super Bowl this year, Jeff.

Jeff: Looking forward to the Super Bowl! And the Super Bowl commercials! So many great movies should have a spot this year!

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, I mentioned the whole Gillette thing earlier. well, a friend of the Phile has something to say about it. I wonder what his take is. He's a singer, patriot, and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Dear Gillette... I don’t need some company advertisement telling me what I need to do, in order to be a “real man." I treat everyone (including women) with the appropriate amount of respect that they’ve earned and deserve. No more, no less. If a woman walks around acting in a disrespectful manner... I will treat her as such. If a woman walks around acting like an ill mannered tramp... I will treat her as such. If a woman walks around acting like a poorly educated loudmouth... I will treat her as such. And if you have a problem with that, you can blow me in Macy’s window. #BoycottGillette.

The president is at it again, doing something embarrassing. When the Clemson University football team was invited for dinner at the White House to honor their national championship win, Trump thought it would be a nice gesture to serve them stacks of cold fast food from McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, and Domino's on silver platters by candlelight. Is this some sort of ironic rich person thing where they think it's hilarious to eat food that costs a dollar in the most famous McMansion in the country? Trump's reasoning for the menu was that he had to pay for the dinner himself, as much of the White House staff remains furloughed due to the longest government shutdown in history. Keep in mind, the shutdown was also his idea. He told reporters, "Because of the shutdown... we went out and we ordered American fast food paid for by me." Remember when Michelle Obama was trying to get kids to eat healthier? This feels like a slap in the face. The young men at Clemson are athletes... their bodies are incredibly important and the president of the United States thought it'd be fun to serve them piles of processed salt sludge. In a video, he claims to have ordered 300 burgers...
In his later tweet, the amount of burgers shot up to 1,000.

He then deleted the tweet in the morning and fixed the typo, but the exaggerated number of burgers remained the same. If Trump wasn't constantly talking about how wealthy and successful he is as a businessman, or if he didn't have multiple gold towers with his name on them like the alt-reality nightmare of Back to the Future II, buying the dinner out of his own pocket might seem like a more heroic gesture. Jus' sayin', if a millionaire bought me dinner and it was from Wendy's, I might rethink the entire meaning of capitalism. Hopefully those athletes enjoyed their "hamberders."

Carol Channing 
January 31st, 1921 — January 15th, 2019
Goodbye, Dolly.

Mel Stottlemyre 
November 13th, 1941 — January 13th, 2019
There’s simply nothing funny about a well-respected pitching coach.

The 92nd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The author Cathy Rudolph will be the guest on the Phile in a few weeks. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, here is...

Top Phive Hymns For Professions 
5. Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
4. Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
3. Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
2. Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
And the number one him for professions is...
1. Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away

Today's pheatured guest is an American singer and songwriter who has written hits for country and pop music performers. Her latest album "Heart of Glass" is available on Amazon, Spotify and iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Beth Nielsen Chapman.

Me: Hello, Beth, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Beth: Hello, Jason, I'm doing good.

Me: So, I read you do a lot of songwriting teaching, am I right? I need that. Haha. What is that like? 

Beth: There are geared from songwriting which is the launch pad that I use but it's really about creativity. A lot of the people that come to my workshops have never written a song before so it's like I never cooked, so I don't know to cook kind of thing. I think creativity is this thing that is available to be used like raw material, like air it's around us. It's literally ever present. If anyone feels uncreative the door is normally locked from the inside. Even if you hadn't written a song you can come to one of my workshops and learn how to get that flow going and how to lead more of a creative life. Interestingly people that have never written a song have written the most amazing stuff. I guess they don't feel any pressure to be a songwriter than they do. It's great, it's really exciting to watch. Do you write songs, Jason?

Me: Yeah, I have a whole album of songs I wrote with my music project Strawberry Blondes Forever. Check us out on Spotify, iTunes, CDBaby... It's fun to write lyrics. What instrument did you first learn to play and when? I play kazoo. Haha. 

Beth: Piano and guitar when I was pretty much 10 or 11.

Me: How and when did you start to write songs?

Beth: I really started writing songs when I started playing them. My dad got a guitar for Father's Day and I ended up stealing it and putting it into my area. We lived in Germany at the time, my dad was in the Air Force, so I couldn't even find a book in English so I had one of those little round things you blow into and got different notes, called a pitch pipe. I had my little pitch pipe and got the thing in tune but I didn't know any chords so I just put my fingers down in different places which sounded good in other places and I called it something like "circle with a dot in the middle" or something. I had all the major chords picked out by that process. I would go to other people playing the guitar and I would see them playing my chord even though they were using different fingers and I'd be like "what's that chord you're playing there?" "The C?" "Yeah, the C." I would write it down so embarrassed by my lack of knowledge. It actually gave a me a funny way to learn music I learned it fearlessly, except my fear of people finding out how little I knew.

Me: Did you write music first or lyrics first?

Beth: I started wring poems before, but when I started writing songs I was writing music first and then putting words to it. I haven't written a poem since.

Me: Your music is mostly country, Beth. Is that what you grew up listening to?

Beth: I was really raised in an environment of lots of musical styles when I was coming of age. Beatles and stuff like that was happening, and Motown, I just dove in all that. My parents had fantastic records like Frank Sinatra, Gershwin... both of my parents were very musical, not professionally but had beautiful voices. So, I was exposed to all kinds and I really think it had a big impact on my inability to pick a category and stick with it. As an artist and songwriter I have done such a diverse crazy catalogue if you actually go and look at the stuff I've done. I've done an album in nine languages, an album all in Latin, an album with children's songs about astronomy, then regular singer songwriter Beth Nielsen Chapman songs about love and life. I love trying out all different things.

 Me: Didn't you do an album for or with Deepak Chopra once? What the hell was that about? Any radio hits with that one? Hahaha.

Beth: Yeah, I did an album of Sanskrit chants with Deepak Chopra. That was fun. LOL. Not so far with radio hits, but I got a lot of comments from yoga teachers saying they loved that record.

Me: Why and how did you get into this chant world, Beth?

Beth: I was always so fascinated by the vowels. A lot of the times when I write a song I hear the melody and then I just make up some nonsense language that is not in existence and often, this is true for many of the songs that I consider my best songs, like a song like "Sand and Water," literally you can listen to the very first time I threw it down you can end up hearing the vowels which ended up being the final song the vowels are already there. Really the song rises up through the sand and anyone can make out the shape of it. It's very naive way to discover what the song wants to be, it gets born through my openness to that wacky way of doing it.

Me: I was surprised, and I don't know why, you wrote that Faith Hill song "This Kiss." I actually like that song a lot, it's so bloody catchy. What was it like writing that song?

Beth: I actually wrote that song with two other songwriters, Robin Lerner and Annie Roboff. We've written the first verse and the chorus and really thought we had written a great song, which we did, it put my son through college. We were allll so precious about it now, now we had to write the second verse. Writing the second verse is like nightmare, especially when we've done a really good job up to this point, then we pretty much got the whole song incapsulated first verse and the chorus, we had something whole right there. That's a great song, but guess what? We had to write something else. I just went back to base one, which is to play. I went back to the playful, don't think about it, we just sang the song and blurted out whatever came to my mind. So I blurted out "Cleopatra was a snowflake." Both Annie and Robin looked at me and said, "No, Cleopatra was not a snowflake." We're not putting that in this song, and I was like, "I know, that's not it, but something like that." They were like, "You need a break." I said, "No, no, no, there's something in that." They said they were going to eat lunch, bye-bye, and they left me. With "Cleopatra was a snowflake" in my world that's a clue. It had something in it. They came back and I was still hitting that line. Annie looked at me and said, "Beth, look at me, we are not putting Disney characters in this song." When she said "Disney" I went "Cinderella." It's not Cleopatra it's Cinderella, and it's not a snowflake it's Snow White. They'e talking about love wondering what's the deal here and then all of a sudden Cinderella says to Snow White, "How did love get so off course?" There's this conversation between two iconic girls talking about getting kissed, and it fit beautifully and they were all on board at that point. They were like, "Oh, what a great idea." I was like, "It wasn't my idea, it was Cleopatra's idea!" You have to listen to Cleopatra when she comes through.

Me: I think that is the first song or time I ever heard the word "centrifugal." Am I right?

Beth: That's probably true. And you spelt it correctly.

Me: You live in Nashville, and interviewing different people over the years here about songwriting or recording in Nashville they work from 9 to 5. Do you work that way?

Beth: Absolutely, I have to take all that crazy whimsy floaty stuff and out it into containers of time because we have lives. We have to pay bills, we have to go to the dentist, we have to take the kids to school. It's not romantic, I don't just sit down and go now I'm floating, I have to actually work a little bit to create the atmosphere. I have a whole system that I talk about, creating a space to write in. Go back to a space that feels good, light a couple of candles if you're into that. Sometimes I actually take break and get a pot of tea and if I have a hard time feeling that flow I just pour a cup of tea with the fear that I'm not going to be able to write today and hand it to that part of myself over in the corner with the magazine. I do these little rituals to create the space and let the stuff come through. Every single day I don't write the greatest song of my life.

Me: What was your first big hit, Beth?

Beth: Tanya Tucker's "Strong Enough to Bend" which I wrote with Don Schlitz who wrote "The Gambler" and millions of other hits. That song went to number one and all of a sudden my phone starts ringing. Tons of people called me saying congratulations, blah blah. A lot of producers called me saying what else do I have like that. It shut me down, it made me creatively go whoaaaa. They wanted me to create something I didn't know how to do the first time I did it. It was terrifying.

Me: You wrote and worked with Willie Nelson. That must've been fun. What was that experience like?

Beth: That was amazing like a dream come true. It was because "Strong Enough to Bend." He heard that on the radio and told his producer, Fred Foster, who is a legend himself. He signed Kris Kristofferson, Dolly, and he ran Monument Records. He actually was the producer of "Pretty Woman," with Roy Orbison, and was an amazing musical genius of many, many, many legendary records. He was producing a record for Willie and Willie wasn't writing at the time. I think his marriage had blown up and lots of things were changing in his life and he just wasn't feeling creative but he had to turn in a record. He said, "I like that song 'Strong Enough to Bend,' get whoever wrote that to write something for me." I was so blown away to be asked to write for him, I couldn't believe it. I went home and literally spent the entire three months I had day in a day out working on that song. I got the title first, "Nothing I Can Do About It Now," and I was like oh my God, now my brain is all activated, trying to figure it out. I didn't want to write it that way. I used to go out running and jogging and took a little dictaphone and I'd try to sing in it. It was very hard work trying to finish that song but I'm proud of it. Then I got to play guitar on it, got to go into the studio... I was completely blown away invited to do that. Then his drummer, when he heard the demo, it was like a train beat, like "On the Road Again," but his drummer kicked it off and it was like a shuffle. He changed the beat so I was trying to stay alive on guitar. At the end of the very first take Willie said, "That was great, let's go to lunch." I was like, "No! No! It's wrong, it's wrong!" I was still there arguing with Willie Nelson about his record. It was amazing. He looked at me with these dark eyes and asked, "What's the problem?" I said, "It sounds to me like Paul might have heard it like a shuffle." And he goes, "Hey, let me ask him, Paul, did you hear that as a shuffle?" Paul goes, "Yep, I sure did." Willie said, "That's what I thought. Well, let's go to lunch!" LOL. So, when that record came out, since I was so attached to my version of it, I was thrilled Willie had recorded it, but was deeply concerned it would never see the light of day. What did I know, it went to number one. What was fascinating the more it went up the chart the more right it sounded to me. I was like actually that's pretty darn good. That was a big learning experience for me. Letting go, and being open to creative geniuses that have other ideas that might be really good.

Me: I have to ask you about working with Neil Diamond, which I'm not a big fan of, but one of my best friends is. What is it like working with him and how did that happen?

Beth: It was an incredible and amazing experience because I had some success but I'm in a town full of songwriters of such quality living in Nashville. Neil came to Nashville to write a record with Nashville songwriters and to record it there. "Tennessee Moon" I think is the name of the record. I heard a rumor he was doing that and I never expected to get a call because there's just so many songwriters to choose from. I have to tank my friend, Waylon Jennings, he actually made a call to Neil, and they went waaayyy back. He said, "You don't go to Nashville without calling Beth Nielsen Chapman. You've gotta write with her." Neil called me and I was so intimated by the iconic stature of this incredible songwriter genius. To sit in a room with him, he was the nicest guy, down to earth, definitely not full of himself, but I couldn't get over the fact I was sitting there with Neil Diamond. I clammed up, sitting at the piano and trying to muddle around and thinking nothing I could come up with is good enough for this guy which is not a good place to start. Usually I was much more sick with lyrics and he was writing some of the lyrics and finally I said, "Listen, Neil, I have to tell you something. It's like I'm sitting here with you and I'm shutting down because it's just so overwhelming because you'e Neil Diamond." He said, "You know what, I totally get that what you're talking about. A lot of times when I sit down to write I just stop and think oh my God, I'm Neil Diamond." LOL. It made me laugh so hard and I was like okay, we can do this now. He totally did it with a straight face. I love that guy, he's such a deep soul. I hope he gets better soon.

Me: You as well had some serious challenges with your health over the years, Beth. I am fascinated by how your lyrical abilities were affected by a brain tumor. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Beth: Yeah, that was an amazing period of time in my life. Here I was, I've been through the loss of my husband, and wrote a lot of songs about that, and I talked about how creativity helped me through grief. Six years later I went through breast cancer and survived that and was in perfect health. A lot of my shows, my career, was talking about that, it just was part of who I am as an artist. In 2009 I just couldn't finish a couple of songs and I was going back and back and back to try to finish them. I was trying to finish the album "Back to Love," which had two songs that needed to be finished in order to be finished with it so it was very frustrating to me as I would sit there for hours. It was different in a normal amount of time I would say, "It's okay, I'm lifting 'weights.'" Well, I was lifting the "gym" off the ground. When it still wasn't happening I knew it was something weird. I started to go through this period where it almost seemed like a little bit of depression like maybe I've been preaching was wrong. Maybe actually the muse gets up and leaves one day. Then I don't have it anymore. I just lost all this confidence in myself as a teacher, I felt like I was really stuck. And then I woke up one morning in the middle of all that and I had this terrible drone in my ear and it was really loud like an airplane meets a Tibetan bull or lawnmower. It was very disturbing, I could barely hit pitch, barely hear myself think. I went to my doctor and said there's something really wrong. He sends me to the emergency room and I have an MRI, and they come around the corner and say, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your ears but you do have a brain tumor." I was like what? That is just not possible. I can't have a brain tumor, I had all this other stuff, it's all in my show, there's no room in my show for a brain tumor! LOL. I'm thinking no way, make sure you got the right name on the chart. I'm not due for that. I did have a brain tumor and it was pressing on the left frontal lobe. They said, "That's your language center, have you had trouble with language?" I was like no, then wait a minute. All of a sudden my ego rose above in the air and said, "Wait a minute, do you think that's something that would make it hard to finish a lyric to a song?" They said, "Yeah, you wouldn't be able to write poetry or lyrics." I was like, "That's great news! Oh my God, I'm so excited!" They looked at me like I was crazy. They said, "Not the part about the brain tumor, right?" "No, but still..." I was terrified about the brain tumor and fortunately it was not malignant and it as actually caught just in time because it was fast growing, They got it all out and I woke up from that surgery and I was kind of out of it. The very thing I was conscious of was this third verse of this song hovering in my mind completely written, just hanging there. The first thug I said was I got to have a pencil. What was amazing to me was all the other songs I couldn't finish boom, boom, boom, I finished.

Me: Sheesh. You did a project with Elton John, am I right?

Beth: Well, I met Elton in '91, my husband was still living, and it was before we knew he was even sick, we went to Atlanta, met him and hung out one day. Several years later my husband went through this illness and died. I ran into Elton and he said, "How are you doing? I heard your husband had died." We had a little chat and I handed them this little cassette which had "Sand and Water" on it and said I had written a few things. Some more time went by and in '97 the time my record came out he was in Oprah one day and she said, "How are you doing with the loss of Diana?" In the interim Princess Diana had died, Versace had died, all these things happened. He said, "I listened to this album by Beth Nielsen Chapman" that just came out called 'Sand and Water' and this song had helped me." All of a sudden the phone started ringing... when Elton goes on Oprah and starts talking about you things happen. I was so trilled it was my music that helped him through that time. Then has asked me to rewrite the third verse 'cause he wanted to sing that song in replace of "Candle in the Wind" on that tour he was going in the U.S. of course I was so honored and was like absolutely. Talking about having a heart assignment though. I was driving to Atlanta and didn't have the two lines I had to replace until two exits before I got to the rehearsal studio. I was sweating bullets by then. I did write the new lyrics and it worked well. Nowadays what's ironic about it he's got two kids, he could of left it alone. We didn't know at the time the world was going too change so much between now and then. In fact, a few years ago I saw someone that works with him and put a big in his ear and said, "You know, by the way, wink wink, Elton could cut that sing unchanged."

Me: Didn't you redo the song yourself?

Beth: Yeah, with Olivia Newton John and an artist named Amy Sky.

Me: Ahhh. So, you have a new album out called "Hearts of Glass." What can you tell us about it? 

Beth: "Hearts Of Glass" is a powerful collection of songs that dig deep into the place within us where vulnerability meets strength. It was produced by Sam Ashworth.

Me: Did you write all the songs on it?

Beth: Well, they were mostly written by me alone. "Enough For Me" was written with Sam. The opening track, "Come To Mine", the only other co-written song, was composed with the legendary Graham Gouldman and Kevin Montgomery at Chris Difford's Songwriting Retreat in Somerset, England.

Me: Cool! I'm a big Chris Difford and Squeeze fan and he was here on the Phile not that long ago. The album has some re-recorded stuff from your past, right?

Beth: Yeah, but now moved from piano to guitar with minimal touches of production. In addition, the first-time release of my version of the timeless classic "If My World Didn't Have You" features Rodney Crowell on backing vocals. This song first appeared on Willie Nelson's "Horse Called Music" album along with my song "Nothing I Can Do About It Now."

Me: Beth, that's cool. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. I'm glad you are doing well and I hope this was fun.

Beth: It's always fun to talk about creativity. Speaking of Chris Difford, I also sang a song for his play Fancy Pants. Chris is so great.

Me: Cool. Please come back again soon. Take care.

Beth: Thanks, Jason, good-bye.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz, Laird Jim and of course Beth Nielsen Chapman. The Phile will be back next Thursday with Martha Davis from the Motels. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Monday, January 14, 2019

Pheaturing Gary Busey

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? So far 2019 has continuously proved that the Internet is full of old clips that will resurface and cause a commotion. The latest clip to make its way to Twitter is from a 1950s television show called "Trackdown," which features a salesman who is trying to scare the townspeople into thinking that the world is ending soon, and they need him to build a wall in order to stop it. The character's name? Trump. "The Simpsons" predicting Trump's presidency was uncanny enough, and now there's a show that was made before Trump was "famous" that predicted we'd all get screwed over by him and his fear mongering tactics. This show knew to be wary of Trump before Trump was even a thing. Ugh, why didn't we listen? CBS News reported that the "Trackdown" episode aired on May 9th,1958. The Trump character visits the town only to claim that he is the only one who can save them from a meteor strike that is certain to kill them all if they don't build a wall. He says his wall is indestructible, and is able to convince most of the townspeople that they need him and his wall, and they should fork over all of their money for it. Sound familiar? The best part? The narrator describes Trump as the "high priest of fraud," which I think is a perfect nickname for the current lying conman named Trump, no? They say history repeats itself, but now old TV shows are repeating themselves but IRL. What a time to be alive.
Not all heroes wear capes. In fact, some simply sip wine from a Pringles can whilst riding around a Walmart parking lot on an electric shopping cart. Yes, you read that right. This happened. A woman was caught doing exactly this, and now she is banned from Walmart for life. Have we found our queen? It gets better. The Pringles-wine sipping woman in question was committing these "crimes" at 6:30 a.m. The police were called and found her at a nearby restaurant to inform her that she is no longer welcome on Walmart premises. This all happened before 9:00 a.m. While Walmart isn't very happy with her, the Internet has quickly warmed to this woman and decided she's a certified badass. I mean, how many of us have at least wished we had spent our morning cruising around the Walmart parking lot on a electric cart while throwing back some wine from a chip container? Dare I say all of us? Why do I feel like this is only going to increase the amount of people drinking wine from cans in the Walmart parking lot?
The whole point of a legal system is to ensure that individuals who break or abuse the law are punished, allegedly. Of course, the system is flawed, with many innocent people ending up in prison, and many criminals ending up in government... but I digress. The point is that "criminals" in modern society are, at least in theory, and depending on the severity of the crime, given a chance to rehabilitate themselves. And many, many convicts serve time, leave the system and go on to become upstanding members of society... which is more than you can say for most people, who break the law (you've probably already broken one today!) and never do time. But not everyone thinks people who have been through the system deserve a "second chance" at life, as evidenced by a text exchange between the owner of a tattoo shop and a former potential customer, which went viral. First, the tattoo shop owner received this message...

Umm, wow. I don't know what's more offensive, the term "prison monkeys" or the "10% inconvenience fee." And also, this person is not only mean and out-of-touch, but dumb. People who have been to prison would obviously make the best tattoo artists, since they have so much free time in prison to devote to stick-and-poke (yeah, I watched "Orange Is The New Black"). The tattoo shop owner was not here for this person's out-of-touch temper tantrum. This was their very pointed response...

He won't be coming back after this comeback. This person didn't get their tattoo or their 10% inconvenience fee, but they did get a painful, skin-deep dragging that will last a lifetime. They also got a lesson... and that's priceless.
Hillary Clinton has kept a relatively low profile since the devastating results of the 2016 election, and really, could anyone blame her?! If I feel psychologically scarred just reading about the ignorance Trump spreads, then I can only imagine what it felt like losing to him in front of the country after dedicating your career to politics. America, as a collective, gave Clinton the middle finger when Trump was elected... and all of her warnings about his conflicts of interest were largely left buried under memes mocking her campaign and it's (real) shortcomings. That being said, every now and then Clinton will break her silence to call out the current administration, and it's usually reasonably succinct and salty. This morning, Clinton tweeted a clip of a debate during the election with the caption, "Like I said, a puppet." In the clip Clinton calls Trump out for being in bed with Russia while warning the U.S. about what we'd sign up for under him as president. Needless to say, this tweet is brief and to the point: serving as a dark "I Told You So." The responses have been quickly pouring in. Some, have come from those of us who always believed the warnings, others, from those who undermined the depths of Trump's corruption. And that, my friends, is that. Perhaps the most depressing mic drop yet.
A dude in Springfield, Illinois' house was quite literally full of shit after the nursing home across the street's habit of illegally flushing diapers exploded in his face. Russell Grochowik lives across the street from Springfield Health and Rehab, and the facility is a real shitty neighbor. "I wouldn't want to wish this on my worst enemy," Grochowik told WCAX. "I came down my stairs at 9 a.m. I heard like a waterfall of water running. I looked around the corner and the bathtub was full of sewage and the toilet." It's funny when it's not your house. Grochowik described the burst pipe's diarrhea as "running out just like a tidal wave," and the excrement seeped through the kitchen tiles and flooded the cellar. He intends to sue the nursing home for pain and suffering and damages to his home. Suck it, old people.
So, instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Ummmm... maybe not. If I had a TARDIS I would go and see Mount Rushmore, but knowing my luck I'd get there in the 1930s just as some poor guy was carving an eye.

Some people are so dumb they made the entire Internet face palm in 2018.

What were they trying to say, though? Man, there were some clapbacks at MAGA trolls that made the Internet great again in 2018.

The kids are alright. So, when I saw this this past weekend it reminded me of something...

Then it hit me...

Hahahaha. It's not a logo, it's a rating!

Ha! Take that, Cowboy fans! So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn free and so easy. I don't want you to go to a porn site, I want you to keep reading the Phile, so I thought I should just show a porn pic here. But I don't want you to get in trouble if you're at work or school so I came up with a solution...

You're welcome. Now for a joke...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could piss from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "Okay, show me." The guy pisses and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!" The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, "If I can do it again, but with two glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys pees from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "If you can piss in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200." The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready." So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to pee everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could pee all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

This is a pretty hard one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, a sex therapist who likes to come onto the Phile and tell us some stuff that isn't true has something else to tell us. You kids really like it when she's here. So once again welcome to the Phile...

Me: Hey, Liz, so, what do you have to tell us today?

Liz: Hi, Jason. I was told once, "Girls should jump up and down after sex to avoid pregnancy."

Me: What?

Liz: Yeah, also I was to to have an aspirin with Coke before or after sex to avoid pregnancy."

Me: That's really odd, Liz, don't you think? That does not work I don't think.

Liz: Yeah, they played a movie and said talk to your parents or preacher if you had questions. I graduated with three girls who had children already. So, yeah, all that jumping up and down didn't exactly work.

Me: No shit. So, what advice do you have for us if any?

Liz: Coke is not birth control.

Me: Ha. Thanks, Liz. Professor Liz Chickasaw, sex therapist, kids.

Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

Phact 1. After the "Soup Nazi" episode aired, Seinfeld visited the man it was based off, Ali Yeganeh, who got angry. Seinfeld responded with “the most insincere, sarcastic apology ever given.” Then, Yeganeh bellowed “No soup for you!” and ejected them from his restaurant.

Phact 2. Leonardo DiCaprio has said that playing Arnie in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape was “the most fun I’ve ever had."

Phact 3. In 2012, eighteen cops in China spent 40 minutes trying to save a woman from drowning, only to find out the woman was actually an inflatable sex doll.

Phact 4. In 1897, there were plans to build a bicycle “superhighway” that would have run between Pasadena and Los Angeles.

Phact 5. Nine months after Cyclone Yasi hit Australia in 2011, there was a unusual surge in the number of babies born in the affected region.

Okay, here we go. Today's guest is the author of Buseyisms: Gary Busey's Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, the 91st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. He's a prolific character actor, Busey has appeared in over 150 films, including The Buddy Holly Story, Lethal Weapon, Predator 2 and Piranha 3DD just to name a few. Please welcome to the Phile, the one of a kind... Gary Busey!

Me: Hey, Gary, welcome to the Phile. It's so cool to have you here, sir. How are you?

Gary: I'm good.

Me: So, your book Buseyisms: Gary Busey's Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth is the 91st book in the Phile's Book Club and the first for 2019. So, congrats. Anyway, what is a "Buseyism"? 

Gary: A Buseyism is when I take a word and I take the letters that spell the word and I create the definition for that word. In other words, let me give you an example... NOW. That stands for No Other Way.

Me: Ahhh. Do you have another example?

Gary: NUTS. That stands for Never Underestimate The Spirit. And the word FART... that stands for Feeling A Rectal Transmission. 

Me: Hahahahaha. How did you come up with this and your first one?

Gary: The first one I was in the hospital after the traumatic brain injury. My wife at the time said, "Tell Gary he's going to play a doctor in his next movie. Give him a coat and a clipboard and let him go on the rounds with you." So they did that. I was going to be a doctor in a movie so I was a doctor there mentally as I could facilitate that as a logical way of sanity. Not that I'm insane, but I am. Anyway, I went through there and I opened up the drawers of a patience room although that's not what a doctor does. I opened the drawer and it said "socks and underwear" and it was such a mess. So I straightened it all out and said, "That is neat." Then I discovered as I was coming coherent with my language, taking at that time, and I said, "N.E.A.T., that stands for Nice Exciting And Tight."

Me: That's cool. When you first moved to Los Angeles did you want to be an actor?

Gary: In the summer of '67 when I first moved to L.A. I didn't want to be an actor. I started out as a musician and I moved to L.A. to play with the Rubber Band.

Me: Didn't you guys open for the Doors?

Gary: No, we didn't open for the Doors. We opened the doors at the Whiskey A Go-Go to go and sit and watch the Doors play on stage. 

Me: Oh, okay. So, what was it like when you first went to L.A.?

Gary: My first trip to L.A. was in 1966. There was four of us and we came out on the original Route 66 in a '59 pea green station wagon and a little trailer behind carrying all of our equipment. We didn't have any jobs out there but we went to see five people and the last person we saw we sang accapella, the four of us. He said, "I want you to come to the club tonight and see who I'm managing." We went to the Whiskey A Go-Go, we were dressed in our blue blazers, our white pants and our saddle oxfords, that's how we dressed as a band in Oklahoma. Everybody else had no shirts on, hair down to their waist, tattoos, big films of protoplasm with hydras and amoebas moving through them and the opening act was Them from London and that was Van Morrison. The opening act was the Doors. When the Doors were playing I leaned over to my piano player Glenn Mitchell and said, "I think we're on the wrong trail ride." Then after that summer we went back to Tulsa, Oklahoma to resume our studies at the university. The big hit of the day was "Baby Won't You Light My Fire." We realized, but we didn't know it, we were on the right trail ride.

Me: I have a picture of you and the Rubber Band I have to show, Gary...

Me: You were also in a band called Carp, am I right?

Gary: The Rubber Band changed its name to Carp and we signed to Epic Records. We had a hit called "Save the Delta Queen."

Me: Ahhh. What was the song about?

Gary: I was watching a newscast with Roger Mudd. He said there's been a safety sea law past. No ships of any wood would drive on any rivers or go on any ocean. I said that's not right so I wrote the song. The owner of the boat company came to hear the song after it was recorded. He put us on the riverboat, the Delta Queen from New Orleans to Cincinnati and we played that song when we pulled into the port as we knew the press would be there. And the boat is still on the river. "Save the boat!" That was the key that one was.

Me: You were acting around that time, right?

Gary: They've been a combo on my life all my life. That's a beautiful feeling to go where the angels send me without arguing or talking back.

Me: Why the decision to leave the band and do acting?

Gary: Well, that's because movies happened. I did a movie and said this is the place, this is the direction I'm going to go in now. I'm going to be making movies. So the band dissolved. Out of all this experience I went through, it's in the book, you can read it, you can see it, read it two times, read it three times, read it four times. baby.

Me: So, let's talk about the book. One of your biggest roles was playing Buddy Holly in The Buddy Holly Story. This year it has been 60 years since Buddy died. My dad was a huge Buddy Holly fan, and I remember watching the movie with him on Betamax when I was a kid. What was it like playing him?

Gary: Well, "died" and "death" are Earth words. Buddy Holly is still here in spirit and the word "DEATH" that stands for Don't Expect A Tragedy Here.

Me: What does that mean?

Gary: I have that experience from being on the other side twice. Once was after a death after brain surgery, after a motorcycle accident on December 4th, 1988.

Me: What do you remember from then?

Gary: Everything, I remember the crash itself.

Me: What do you remember? Tell us...

Gary: I was on the Harley-Davidson Softail I just picked up from Bartels' on Washington Boulevard. I went around and turned back got about 40 miles per hour. I went around the corner and hit sand and my back wheel started fishtailing and my rear brake went down and I said, "Whoa, that's not good." I hit the front brake and it threw me over, I hit my head on the curb and my pelvis followed that. My skull was split to the temple to the top of it, with a hole in it as big as a fifty cent piece. I landed at the feet of a police officer who was there scouting the route of the marathon race which happened the next day... Monday. The paramedics were one block away, having a hamburger break. They picked me up, took me to Cedars-Sinai, got me into the operating room and the surgery took two and a half hours.

Me: What was it like after the surgery, Gary?

Gary: I had to walk and talk and dress myself and come back to logic and be a human being, So I was on that other side of dementia and illogicality for awhile.

Me: I read you got out of the hospital early. How and why did that happen?

Gary: They thought something was wrong with me that wasn't. But they realized Gary Busey was born with the energy of ten men that have normal jobs.

Me: Okay, you said you died, so I have to ask what do you remember seeing in the afterlife?

Gary: It's not an afterlife. Those are Earth words. It's the other side. It's the spiritual realm. It's supernatural. What I saw was I was only a foot long and a quarter of an inch wide, that's my essence, that's my soul. I was surrounded by balls of light, almost as big as volleyballs, and they were breathing and a light was coming out of them like in points, And they were red, magenta, amber, gold, white, and three of them came up to my essence and the one on my left was avolena mother of pearl and talked to me in an androgynous voice and thought and said, "The direction you're going is a good direction. But for responsibility for mankind you have to look for help in the spiritual realm. You may come with us now or return to your body and continue your destiny. It's your choice."

Me: Hmmmm. What choices did you make after the accident?

Gary: Well, I realized the truth of the truth is nothing changes but the changes. That's life and LIFE stands for Living In Forever Eternity.

Me: I think this is cool, your son Jake was in the latest Predator movie and he played the son of your character. What do you think of that?

Gary: Yay! Yes he did and he does and incredible job at just being himself.

Me: What do you think of him following you in your footsteps like that?

Gary: Well, what happened was I did a movie called Straight Time in the middle of the 70s with Dustin Hoffman and Kathy Bates. I had a son in the movie but we didn't have one cast so Dustin said, "What about Jake?" Jake was five and Jake came in and auctioned and he wanted to be called "Henry." He even had people in his class call him Henry. So he chose the name Henry and did the part. He came in one day and said, "I'm only going to do the scene once because I'm drawing a truck." Okay, we got the scene done. It was a great scene. Jake didn't know the script but we did it improv. He was perfect. On the way home I said, "Jake, what do you think about acting now?" He said, "I think it's the dumbest thing I'ver ever done." I said, "Why? Why do you think its the dumbest thing you've ever done? You were perfect today." He said, "Because, dad, all you do is pretend except you play like you're not pretending. And I'd rather be drawing a truck." So, there you have it, an acting lesson from a 5-year-old.

Me: What do you think of it what he said?

Gary: It's genius. It's truth. its his truth, it's his knowledge with the truth. And his truth is well said and understood in that statement. He's doing great. He started at five and now he's forty-eight and had a hot movie out... Predator.

Me: Gary, I have to mention this, you were on "Celebrity Apprentice." What was that like?

Gary: Oh, that was fun. Sleep deprivation was a big thing. I went to bed at eight-thirty every night, got up at five, went down and got my hair done, my makeup done, had a Styrofoam breakfast and at 7 a.m. went to the top of a big building being constructed... forty stories. Don Trump and Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. would be there and Donald would give us a task that we were doing. That was exciting, we all had different opportunities of doing things responsible. I accomplished all of those a hundred percent.

Me: Did you ever think that the host of that show would be president?

Gary: Yeah. You never know what's going to happen until it happens. Unless you're a psychic or a gypsy or somebody who lives in a balloon.

Me: Gary, what do you want people to take from this book when they read it?

Gary: People will smile. They will say my God, how could he go through that? But it tells how I went trough it and how I got out of it. It tells why I went through it and how I got out of it. It comes down to the spirit, it comes down to the truth of the soul and I reveal everything. I pull the curtain back and let everybody see I've done been and what it's done to me. And what things are doing to the readers that read the book, they'll be able to see a formula that's given to them in their own way from the book that what I've been through and that will be their way to get out of whatever they're going through that they have to get out of.

Me: Cool. Gary, thanks for being on the Phile, I hope this was fun.

Gary: Hey, man, thanks for asking me the questions I could answer. Enjoy the BIBLE... Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Gary for the interview. I felt I could have asked him better questions. Oh, well. Maybe he'll be on the Phile again one day. The Phile will be back on Thursday with singer Beth Nielsen Chapman. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Pheaturing Carl Palmer

Lettuce killed more Americans last year than undocumented immigrants. Just sayin'. Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? What about that Kevin Spacey, eh? Fresh off of releasing a truly terrifying video in character as "House of Cards"' Frank Underwood begging America to take him back, Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday and plead not guilty to sexual assault. He faces up to five years in prison for assaulting a minor. Spacey flew to his arraignment in a literal private jet, hustling right back after entering his plea and taking off like the supervillain he is. Spacey's easy afternoon has people remarking on the gross injustice that is the American justice system. Kevin Spacey is not the president, he just played one on TV, but it would be remarkably presidential of him to end up in prison.
Senator Ted Cruz, the bongo-playing octopus from Aquaman, has a beard now, and it's been widely praised for helping to obscure his facial features. The proudly bearded Texan wants you to know that not only does he have a beard, he also has at least one friend(?), and the friend is currently studying at a yeshiva in Israel, where a rabbi has chimed in (??) on the state of Cruz's face. Cruz insists that according to this rabbi, his beard evokes the wisdom of the great Jewish scholars. He also takes it as a compliment that his face puts "fear of the Lord into Israel's enemies," and could be the thing that is so universally loathed it brings Israelis and Palestinians together. Rabbis on Twitter, providing proof that they definitely exist, do not agree with their fellow clergymen's assessment of Cruz's beard as a harbinger of peace. Non-ordained Twitter users are also not buying the story. Cruz did call the beard-for-peace theory "perhaps a bit much." On that, I agree.
Donald Trump Jr. is a lot like his father in that he spends a lot of time tweeting, and his tweets are either stupid, wrong, or stupidly wrong. Don Jr.'s latest attempt to try and get his father to love him celebrated automaker Ford's decision to cancel a plant in Mexico and keep jobs in Michigan, exciting news we celebrated two years ago.

If you click the link, you'd see that the article is from 2017. The year is currently 2019, which is not 2017. The president on January 4th, 2017 was still one Barack Obama. I'll prove it to you...

The article is two years old, just a year older than Tiffany Trump's age when Donald Trump Sr. started talking about her future breasts. Don Jr. should check in on the latest headlines in the wake of daddy's trade war. In the grand scheme of history, two years is actually relatively recent. Don Jr. pulled the same shit on Instagram with a meme directed at Michigan Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib, who famously called Trump a "motherfucker," even though that's Mike Pence's name. A literate person would be able to notice that the article's date appears in the link, but that's too much to ask of someone named Donald Trump.
On Tuesday night, president Donald Trump made an address violently railing against immigration and doubling down on bis demand for $5.7 billion in funding for his border wall. In exchange, he said, he'll cease the already detrimental government shutdown. This display mirrored a child throwing a tantrum until they get their toy... except the toy he's wailing for is nationalism on steroids. Unsurprisingly, after Trump's lie filled speech was over, speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and senate minority leader Chuck Schumer took the stage to make a joint address decrying Trump's scare tactics. Pelosi kept it straight to the point, and focused on how Trump's speech ignored facts, "Much of what we've heard from president Trump during this senseless shutdown has been full of misinformation and even malice. The president has chosen fear. We want to start with the facts." Schumer echoed those concerns while also pointing out how Trump's rhetoric is "divisive." "Tonight... and throughout this debate and his presidency... President Trump has appealed to fear, not facts. Division, not unity. This president just used the backdrop of the Oval Office to manufacture a crisis, stoke fear, and divert attention from the turmoil in his administration." Regularly engaging with Trump is exhausting enough from a distance, so actually addressing him in person must be a soul sucking venture. Schumer's and Pelosi's posture and dead-eyed expression during their response just summed up how a lot of us feel. Needless to say, we are all very, very, very tired.
Hey! I have another story about Don Jr. Donald Trump Jr., that ball of hair that clogs up your shower drain, has long been on a quest to make his father love him by demonstrating that he is as racist as Donald Trump Sr. is. During the 2016 campaign, when he wasn't meeting with Kremlin agents promising dirt on Hillary Clinton, Don Jr. dehumanized Syrian refugees and compared them to Skittles, much to the chagrin of Skittles. Now Don Jr.'s latest metaphor is straight outta the Nazi playbook as he compared Mexicans to zoo animals.

People are horrified, because it's horrifying. It's horrifying on its own, and also considering what Don Jr. likes to do to animals. In addition to the racism, the tweet is bad because the premise is flawed: we can't enjoy a day at the zoo because the National Zoo has been closed thanks to the Trump Shutdown. Here's hoping that Don Jr. gets an education in the effiectiveness of walls from Robert Mueller.
In 2018 some people were so dumb they made the entire Internet face palm. Check this out...

Wow. There were some clapbacks at MAGA trolls that made the Internet great again in 2018.

This is Congressional politics now, and it rules. I was thinking f I had a TARDIS I would go back to 1909 and be one of the hundred or so people participating in a lottery to divide a twelve acre plot of sand dunes, that would later become the city of Tel Aviv...

Okay, maybe not. When I saw this pic recently it reminded me of something...

Then it hit me...

"I want my wall!" Hahaha. So, before Jason Mamoa was Aquaman he was anther character kinda similar...

Hahahaha. I know... that's stupid. That's as stupid as...

That's lame. I know. So, just as a reminder this is what we are supposed to be wearing this month...

You know what annoys me? Young people wearing obnoxious t-shirts, like this girl...

Okay, so one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn free and so easily. I thought I'd show a porn pic here so you don't have to go and look at porn site but I don't want you to get in trouble if you're at work or school. Then I came to a solution...

You're welcome. It's Thursday, so you know what that means.

Oh. Man. I think I'm gonna throw up the Wawa quesadilla I just ate. That's fucking sick! Okay... moving on. It's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile.

Jeff: Hey, Jason, Glad to be back on the Phile.

Me: So, good job on your last podcast. Tell the readers what it's called and where they can listen to it.

Jeff: Thanks. I started the podcast late last year, but took a few months off during the holidays. But now that they are over, I'm back on it. The name of the podcast is "The Cinefan Movie Podcast." You can listen on iTunes, Spotify or Podomatic. The podcast will drop new episodes every weekend!

Me: Cool. So, did you see Aquaman? Did you like it?

Jeff: I haven't had a chance to see Aquaman. But I'm hoping to see it this weekend.

Me: Okay, let's talk about football... I feel bad for Cody Parkey... Bears fans went absolutely ballistic on him for missing the kick. ICYMI, which I'm sure you didn't, Cody Parkey was the butt of jokes after missing the game-winning field goal for the Bears Sunday night against the Eagles. Not only did the kick not win the game for the Bears, it lost it. If you were Cody what would you do? I would disappear. Haha.

Jeff: Yeah, I saw Cody Parkey's kick. It doinked not once, but twice. However it has been ruled that his kick was blocked by the Eagles. One of the linemen did get a hand on it, so it's not all Parkey's fault. Fun fact, he used to be an Eagle.

Me: Did you see Allen Hurns' injury? The Cowboys WR suffered a gruesome injury during the first quarter where he had his leg rolled over by a Seahawks defender, causing his ankle bone to snap and protrude from his leg. Just because it's Throwup Thursday I will show a screenshot of when he got hurt...

Jeff: I turned on the game a little late, so I missed Hearns' injury. And judging by it, I'm glad that I did. That just looks.... it hurts my ankle just looking at that!

Me: Well, as if the injury wasn’t enough unfortunate news by itself, Hurns has one year remaining on his contract, which is non-guaranteed. What do you think will happen to him, Jeff?

Jeff: Hearns has been around the league for a few years. He's a good WR. So even if Dallas doesn't resign him, I have no doubt that many other teams will sign him.

Me: Okay there's a rumor that Eli is gonna retire... I don't think so, what do you think? I think he'll play at least one more year.

Jeff: The Giants need to learn that their issues right now are not with Eli. It's the offensive line. Which has been quite offensive lately. And not in a good way. I could see him retiring if the Giants cut him. And that depends on what happens with the draft. I'm hoping he sticks around.

Me: What NFL news do you have?

Jeff: Other than the playoffs continuing. the first head coach vacancy has been filled. The Packers signed former Titan Offensive Coordinator Matt LaFleur to be their new coach.

Me: Did you see Britain has taken over another team?

Me: I like that one... what do you think of it?

Jeff: Dandy Fish! I like that one!

Me: Okay, so, how did we do with the wild card picks?

Jeff: How did we do? Well, I can tell you that you sucked! You went 0-2 in the wild card. I can also tell you I sucked. Because I went 0-2 as well. So I still lead by 10.

Me: Ugh! I will never catch up. Okay, let's pick for the week one playoffs. I say Chiefs by 3 and Chargers by 2. What do you say? I also think the Chiefs will make it to the Super Bowl.

Jeff: Well again, you picked the AFC so I will go with the NFC. I'll go with Rams by 5 and Saints by 7.

Me: Okay, Jeff, I will see you back here next Thursday. Have a good week.

Jeff: Good luck! Talk to you next week!

Hmmmm... I don't know what to think of that one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, in the past on the Phile I had a sex therapist who told us somethings she heard in the past, given some "advice." She's pretty popular so I thought I'd invite her back. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, professor, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?

Liz: I'm fantastic, Jason.

Me: That's good. So, what do you have to tell us today?

Liz: Well, I was in life management class during my 10th grade year. We had just started a lesson on pregnancy when our teacher pulled out a picture diagram showing the difference between a baby developing after vaginal impregnation and anal impregnation.

Me: Ummm... and?

Liz: I inquired about the booty baby and our teacher claimed it was a result of anal sex, and said baby could but should not develop in the anus.

Me: What the hell?

Liz: I know, right? That's very inaccurate.

Me: Yeah, booty babies are not real. Haha. Thanks, Liz, please come back again real soon.

Liz: I will, Jason. Take care.

Me: Professor Liz Chickasaw, sex therapist, kids.

Donald Trump has landed in McAllen, Texas, home of the immigrant children detention camps, and what the president is hoping will be the cite of his Trump™-branded border wall. A follow-up to Tuesday's prime-time address, which sought to Make Americans Afraid Of Mexicans Again, Trump is hoping to highlight a desert hellscape where things are so dire, federal workers won't mind being denied paychecks until he could put concrete on it. Unfortunately for Trump, however, the majority of McAllen's population (that aren't children in cages) is not psyched about the visit and the fear-mongering. The city's historic Cine El Rey welcomed the president with a marquee reading "Welcome to McAllen-- The 7th Safest City in America." Protestors gathered by the Border Patrol station Trump was visiting and greeted him with his likeness. People who didn't have baby balloons were equipped with signs. McAllen residents also took to Twitter to say that they'd be down to accept the government's billions, but they'd rather to see it go to something they actually need. Welcome to McAllen, Mr. President!

The 91st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Gary Busey will be the guest on the Phile next Monday. So, there's this num who likes to come onto the Phile and say what's on her mind. Unfortunately it's never pleasant... but it's her. Anyway, she's back.

Me: Hello, Sister, how are you?

Sister Xtian: Just dandy, Jason. So, I was told my personality was trash earlier today.

Me: Awe, I'm sorry. What did you in reply?

Sister Xtian: I said my personality might be trash, but my pussy isn't.

Me: Sheesh, Sister! I might have kids reading this.

Sister Xtian: So? Have you ever sat in the edge of the bed after some nasty ass sex and wondered if you'te still getting into heaven?

Me: Ummm... no.

Sister Xtian: Well, I do. I'm going to go now, and try to get laid. Bye.

Me: Ugh. Sister Xtian, the nun who doesn't give a damn, everybody. Now for some...

Phact 1. While filming ”The Wire”, Andre Royo, who played Bubbles, a drug addict, was approached by a Baltimore resident who handed him a package of heroin and said he looked like he needed a fix. Royo calls this his “street Oscar.”

Phact 2. Despite the popularity of Rickrolling, Rick Astley has only earned 12 dollars in royalties from YouTube for his performance share.

Phact 3. NASA has discovered a “waterworld” planet about 40 light-years away from Earth that might contain exotic materials such as “hot ice” and “superfluid water.”

Phact 4. The reason armadillos are so common as road kill are that they jump three to four feet vertically when startled, which caused them to collide with the bottom of cars.

Phact 5. During the Iraq war in 2003, the U.S. Military planned to attach chickens atop Humvees in order to detect chemical weapons. The project was named, Operation Kuwaiti Field Chicken (KFC). However, the project failed when 41 of the 43 chickens died within a week of their arrival.

Today's pheatured guest is an English drummer and percussionist, credited as one of the most respected rock drummers to emerge from the 1960s. He is a veteran of a number of famous English bands like the Crazy World of Arthur Brown, Atomic Rooster, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, and Asia. His latest CD "Live" is available on Amazon. Please welcome to the Phile... Carl Palmer.

Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Carl: I'm good, good to be here, I have all the time in the world.

Me: You recently toured with Yes, Todd Rundgren and your band Carl Palmer's ELP Legacy. Is that a fun tour to be on?

Carl: Believe it or not I only get to play for half an hour. I wasn't really keen on playing half an hour but I figured this is an unusual combination having Todd on the show and Yes. I've always been a bit fan of Yes. 

Me: Have you met Todd before? I have been trying to get him on the Phile for so long.

Carl: No, I never met Todd before but I heard of him from Utopia which is kind of on the proggy side. He's a very nice man.

Me: So, I'm not that familiar with Emerson, Lake and Palmer's music to be honest, sir. It must be weird of you to do shows without those other guys.

Carl: Yeah, I'm doing a dedication to Greg Lake who we lost in December 2016.

Me: So, what is the main difference music wise between your new ELP Legacy to Emerson, Lake and Palmer?

Carl: Well, I don't have a keyboard player so I replaced Keith's parts with my guitarist who does an amazing job with some intricate music. Also I have Simon Fitzpatrick who is my bass player plays a six string bass. Paul Bielatowicz on guitar plays what they call a ten string Chapman Stick. So, this allows him to play the bass line and the most synthesizer sounds or solos like the famous one at the end of "Lucky Man," at the same time. Years ago if ELP could of had guitars in the band these are two guys that we would of had with us. It's just born out of time as I say. The standard with guitar players today is ridiculous. If you sit back and think about it for one minute you'll know more great guitar players than you do get keyboard players. That's why I thought it was a logical for me to move to guitars, not trying to copy ELP's sound but to try and show the music versatility of the music of ELP. A lot of it is classical adaptation that weren't written by us, nevertheless there's a fair amount of original material as well. It works out, I'm happy, it's fresh and works on its own. It's something people like or don't because we all instrumental versions. ELP played a lot of instrumentals, so it falls into a place quite nicely for me and it's been growing every year and I'm quite proud of it to tell you the truth.

Me: I recently interviewed a guy named Tom Griesgraber who plays a Chapman Stick. I never heard of it before then. How do ELP fans like this new band of yours, Carl?

Carl: We go down really well. We had standing ovations every night. I can't complain and I'm extremely grateful the American public if finally coming over and making it on board.

Me: Weren't you recently nominated as a prog god or something recently?

Carl: Yeah, September 2017 I got the Prog God of the Year in the U.K. and this is from Prog Rock Magazine and this is probably the highest accolade I could probably get in that area. I kind of take it with a pinch of salt, it's really nice, but I knew one day I'll make to the top of pile if I rock enough that's how I look at it. I am truly grateful for getting it.

Me: Do you think Emerson, Lake and Palmer will ever be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Carl: As far as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame I never really understood how they vote people in. Do they do it alphabetical order, go back to A after they got to Z? To be honest with you Emerson, Lake and Palmer was the early blueprint for the music we call prog rock which is quintessentially English. American people here produced jazz and gave it to the world, the English gave prog rock to the world. So not to be recognized by the Hall of Fame for me I got to the stage where I don't take it serious anymore to tell you the truth. Is it four guys around a table that decides? The American public who allows me to play for them today has given me a forty year career. They made Emerson, Lake and Palmer incredibly famous. We sold a large amount of records and still are. The back catalogue is incredibly strong. We do have great company now, BMG, that has helped us a last couple of years. I kind of look at that and think well, really in the eyes of the American public we ARE in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Just not that building they've got in Cleveland. I'm not to worried to tell you the truth, and if I was voted in I wouldn't go. I would probably send somebody in to represent us as Keith and Greg are not here to receive it.

Me: Okay. You have been working on deluxe editions of Emerson, Lake and Palmer releases. Was it fun to listen to all that stuff from all those years ago?

Carl: Yes, it was. Also I don't know if you know there was an awful lot of bootleg albums out of Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Years ago I put a campaign to together, called the Manticore Vaults, they're not studio recordings, they're bootlegs which I bought in places like Japan. I remember one day I spent $115 on bootleg albums of Emerson, Lake and Palmer. The very first concert of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, or the second concert at the Isle of Wight I found a recording in Camden Town, which is an area of London that has a lot of bric-and-brac type of shops, I bought another recording of Emerson, Lake and Palmer there. I put those boxes together and disclosed it saying this is not a great recording, this is what it is, for people that want everything that ELP ever did, I took it to a forensic sound studio and cleaned them all up. Keith and Greg weren't very interested in doing it so I did it and at the end of the day it's become part of our catalogue. BMG hasn't started releasing those yet but we are going to start to release them with the correct pictures of the period and that. I just think is just as important as the real recordings that were made in the studio as that's the history of the band. Especially with things like Asbury Park, the Isle of Wight, these are very important cornerstones of the career.

Me: Have some of this stuff been released already?

Carl: Yes, three box sets have already been released. There's three CDs in every box. There is enough for one more. I haven't had time to do it yet. I have somebody looking at it to let me know if it's worth spending money on. When I get these forensic studios I have to use what the police use which is a forensic sound studio where you could hear background noise, listen to what's going on, lift some of it out, but it costs money. They're so historical sometimes I have to see what I can salvage. They'll probably be another box set of about four CDs, then they will be four box sets of what I call the Emerson, Lake and Palmer bootleg series. At least we're controlling it now and it's not someone in Japan or some other country.

Me: You left Emerson, Lake and Palmer at one time I think I read. How did that go with the other guys?

Carl: It was a deeply sad moment for me, don't get me wrong, it took me a long time to get to that decision. The band has been my life really, it has been the most successful situation I've ever been in. It's been the type of music I always wanted to play. Coming from a classical family of classical musicians, my grandfather, my great grandmother all deeply in the middle of classical music, the whole of their career professionally talking, not as amateurs. So to play classical music in a rock form as adaptations on stage Emerson, Lake and Palmer became a dream for me. I really didn't want to sit in a symphony as the guy in the back, I wanted to be a rock drummer as a guy playing classical adaptations Emerson, Lake and Palmer did everything right. We tried to not do things wrong. We never argued over women, over money or this or that but we would argue over four bars of music for about four years. It was the perfect band for me to be in, I never sat on the fence, I always gave my opinion straight away and quite vocally. It was Emerson, Lake AND Palmer, exaclty what it said on the ticket. Right before that last gig I noticed at rehearsals it took five weeks of rehearsals to get the band to the standard what we heard on the record. I was deeply worried and the health issues in the band were not great, they were okay, they were workable. I looked at it and had to adapt my philosophy of my way of thinking to ELP which is this... I'm going to carry on playing as long as I'm improving. I'm still improving at the moment, my feet and my bass drumming playing is getting better. All be very slow, but that's normal when I have been playing as long as I have. I'm improving, which is slightly abnormal, but I'm so grateful for that. If I can't improve, I end up maintaining this standard I've got now, I will be so happy I can't tell you. If I can't maintain it then you won't hear from me again. They'll be no statement, I'll be gone. After that concert ELP dod not reach, and I knew it wasn't going to, I knew at rehearsals I was going to end it. I knew that we weren't reaching the level that we once played and I didn't want to become a nostalgic act. I thanked Great Britain for giving us the chance, I carried on with the concert but directly after the concert I told them. Keith was absolutely knocked out, with tear in his eye and said, "I'm so pleased you have done that, somebody had to do it. This is the right thing to do and from my point of view it's over, we're done." Greg Lake didn't take it very nicely at all, he didn't understand it, and I didn't want to go through the whole procedure of you're singing songs a tone lower and didn't quite sound the same. I just wanting to leave everyone with the dream how great we were. I realised if we started touring with this the people would realise the king has no clothes. I didn't want that, I wanted to end it on the biggest high because it was a major part of my career.

Me: Okay, so, did you guys talk after that?

Carl: I didn't talk to Greg for about six years after that. I talked to him right before his death matter of fact. He sent me a couple of emails saying he wanted to something and this was two or three years on and it couldn't be any better than when we got together for "High Voltage" so I said no, we're finished.

Me: As well as you playing music you are also an artist. I'll show one of your pieces here...

Me: Is painting new for you?

Carl: No, I started in '73 doing this taping light bulbs to drum sticks that were connected to a cable that went down to a battery on the floor and I would pretend to play the drums. These pictures were so amazing, one of them ended up in the Birmingham Mail, the biggest paper in my home town. I knew there was something there but we didn't have digital cameras those days and we didn't have LED drumsticks which is vital for this. An LED drumstick is like a regular drum stick but in the tip there's a lightbulb which is indestructible. It has four colors, red, green, blue and yellow. When these came along, I'm rolling forward forty years now, I decided I could revisit the art and with computers and cameras I could view this stuff immediately and try to make it work. I got with a company called SceneFour in Los Angeles, they sent me the sticks and I said I've already done this, this doesn't work, these sticks break. They said, "No, Carl, these are newer than the new ones. These are the latest and they're indestructible." I tried them and got worked so I've even doing it for almost five years. What we managed to do develop capturing shadows and reflections around me. I have been very, very lucky with it. Go to

Me: Your latest works you painted the other guys in ELP , right?

Carl: Yeah, it's a very small catalogue called "My Legends," which is a dedication to Keith Emerson who died March 2016, I did a piece called "Welcome Back My Friends to the Show That Never Ends." As you know Greg Lake died in the year but at the end of the year and I called one "Lucky Man," which os my dedication to him. The third one, which I thought two was really bad luck is John Wetton who passed in January 2017, I did one for him called "In the Heat of the Moment." There's a couple of books I had as well with art in them. When you buy a piece of my artwork I donate to a charity of your choosing and your name and charity goes in the book.

Me: Very cool, Carl. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back here soon.

Carl: Thanks, Jason, I will.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Carl Palmer. The Phile will be back on Monday with Gary Busey. Spread the word, not the turd. Don;t let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon