Hello, and welcome to the last Peverett Phile entry of March, 2006. Man, this year is flying by. Earlier today, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power. Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction. While he's there, he's going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush is trying to learn from his mistakes because today he promised that FEMA will help the Mayans rebuild. Did your you hear the good news that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration? The bads news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300. This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.' The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the White House, but with more oil. We're now down to the final four. Not college basketball. The number of people who still think President Bush is doing a good job. Dick Cheney's approval rating is now at 18%. In fact, he's so desperate to get his approval rating up, he's now thinking of shooting an IRS agent. I know, I know, another Dick shooting joke. I'm sorry. Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer. Getting ready for Easter? In St. Paul, Minnesota, city hall removed a display of an Easter bunny, pastel eggs and a sign with the words "Happy Easter" because they might offend non-Christians. Good thing. You certainly don't want anything Christian tainting a city called St. Paul. How come people want to take the God out of Easter but no one wants to take the Satan out of Halloween? A casino in Vegas now has a 510 dish buffet. 510 dishes! Another thing that will endear us to the starving third world. There is so much food at the buffet that Elvis showed up! In women's NCAA semifinal games, the Connecticut Lady Huskies beat the Georgia Lady Bulldogs 77-75. Lady Huskies and Lady Bulldogs - it sounds like clothes sizes at Lane Bryant. Sunday Major League Baseball is back! Barry Bonds says that his life is in shambles. Which is interesting because right on the side of the bottle of steroids there’s a warning that says, "May cause shambles.” June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. The National Weather Service says it will be another busy season. President Bush is already busy stockpiling excuses. Scientists believe they may have located the actual Noah’s Ark from the Bible in Eastern Turkey. Of course, Noah was the biblical figure said to have built the giant vessel to try and save people and animals from a great flood - or as FEMA would call him, "A showoff." Well, I have a busy weekend planned, how about you? Tomorrow Logan, Jen and I are going to have a Peverett Party Day at Sea World, Saturday is Logan's first soccer game of the season, as well as my niece Kaylie's birthday party, and Sunday we are getting some nieghbors into Disney as well as going to one of Logan's school friend's birthday party. I might be able to sneak a nap in there sooner or later. Oh, and Saturday is April Fool's Day, and I won't be at work to play a fool's trick on anybody. That's okay, I do it pretty much every other day anyway. Okay, let's get on with the Phile.
I have been working at Innoventions in Epcot for almost ten years, and I think it's growing on me...the power to innovate and invent. So, here we go with my first invention: the butt-face towel. There's a serious problem in your bathroom that you're not aware of. After your bath or shower, you might be drying your face with the same part of the towel that dried your butt the day before. Or worse yet, it might've dried somebody else's butt. Think about it...using an ordinary towel, you have a fifty-percent chance of getting a face full of butt-tainted terry cloth. Yes, it's revolting, but I have a solution. The ingenius Butt-Face Towel brings sanitary sanity back into your bathroom. It's a quality, terry cloth bath towel with two clearly labeled ends. One half is white with the word "FACE" embroidered. The other end is brown (good color choice) and is embroidered with the word "BUTT". Simple, no? Each end off the Butt-Faced Towel knows its place. The portion you use on your butt, and, er, nether regions, need never make the revolting journey up to your face again. Your cheeks will face you, all four of them.
I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
London - Germans are the most intelligent people in Europe, well ahead of the British (in eighth place) and the French (15th), according to a new study by Northern Ireland's University of Ulster, The Times reported Monday. With an average intelligence quotient (IQ) of 107, a scintilla of brainpower above the Dutch who also scored 107, the Polish (106), the Swedish (104) and the Italians (102). They all came out better in the intelligence stakes than the British who rated an even 100 IQ according to the study, ahead of the Spanish (98) and the French (94) who could only comfort themselves by checking the study results for Bulgarians, Romanians, the Turkish and Serbians who languished at the bottom of the table on 89. Professor Richard Lynn, who headed the study, caused controversy last year by claiming that men were more intelligent than women by about five IQ points on average. He said of his latest findings that populations in the colder, more challenging environments of Northern Europe had developed larger brains than those in warmer climates further south. The average brain size in Northern and Central Europe is 1 320cc and in southeast Europe it is 1 312cc, according to his studies. He ascribes the differences between British and French intelligence levels to the results of military conflict. He described it as "a hitherto unrecognised law of history" that "the side with the higher IQ normally wins, unless they are hugely outnumbered, as Germany was after 1942", The Times reported. Stupid survey.SHARPENING AXES
This week's topic: your age in chocolate. Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know! This is pretty neat. It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ...
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number. The next two numbers are your age! (Oh, yes, it is!!!!!) This is the only year (2006) it will ever work so spread it around while it lasts.
THERE IS A GOD
Have you seen the poster for the sequel to Brokeback Mountain? Now, this is my kind of movie!
DOCTOR WHO NEWS
Funny, I usually dry my hands with that thing. But each to his own, I guess.
STRANGE LEGO CREATIONS
Okay, and now for...
Magnum P.I.: It's down to Vince Vaughn and George Clooney for the Selleck role. The only way to decide is a mustache-growing contest. Though if that were the case, Jason Lee would have this thing all wrapped up.
Stop-Loss: Justin Timberlake finally landed a lead role — a Rambo knockoff set in Iraq. Hope his agent's got an exit strategy.
Casino Royale: Forget all the debate about Daniel Craig and just check out these awesome action-packed pics. Bond is gonna be just fine. The purists who run Craig-bashing websites have too much time on their hands.
Snakes On A Plane: They've added more cursing, more action and, most important, more snakes. Promo idea: fake tattoo versions of this killer logo.
Ocean 13: No Julia Roberts or Catherine Zeta-Jones, but at least we get … Ellen Barkin? And she hooks up with Matt Damon? The only way this could get less appealing is if Bernie Mac and Elliott Gould went at it.
Lovers and Players: Jessica Simpson has purchased a book! Well, at least the rights to a book. She wants to play an aspiring pop singer in this Jackie Collins adaptation. See, this is what happens when you promote literacy.
The Watchmen: The guy who directed Dawn of the Dead is the latest to try to bring the holy grail of comic adaptations to the big screen. Don't get your hopes up. The project's been in development longer than your average comic-book geek's been in a black trench coat.
Wonder Woman: Pet peeve: when actors blab to the media about wanting a big role, like, say, Lindsay Lohan making a play for Wonder Woman. Look, I want both Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson to play the Amazon warrior — twins! — but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen.
Okay, now for a brand new trailer for Flight 93, a 9/11 movie. trailer
Well, that's all I have. Have a good weekend and week, and remember, spread the word, not the turd. And don't forget to check out my good friend Jeff's blog at http://journals.aol.com/trel67/StoryTimewithJeff/ and my webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs . Until next week, I will leave you with a random pic as usual.