Obese Thursday

Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. Did anyone celebrate Ash Wednesday yesterday? Tuesday was Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it was followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday is tomorrow. Mardi Gras was scaled down a bit this year. Actually it was scaled down quite a bit. Now when you threw a bead, women only flashed one boob. Yesterday President Bush flew to India. See, last week he met with American workers. This week he will go to India and visit their old jobs. Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now. Former President Bill Clinton took out an ad. He wants to hire interns for his presidential library. He’s looking for 25 interns to fill 75 positions. Did you hear Anna Nicole Smith made an appearance before the Supreme Court? It's the first time in the Supreme Court's history that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has not been the hottest chick there. Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B. Well, I have a lot of stuff for this entry so let's get started.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What does a blonde say after several orgasms? A: So, do you play for the same team?

R.I.P.

Famous or not, we all end up dead. Here are some of the better known people to have passed on recently.

• Darren McGavin, actor best known for Kolchak: The Night Stalker, died February 25 at the age of 83.
• Dennis Weaver, actor best known for McCloud, died February 24 at the age of 81.
• Don Knotts, comic actor best known as Barney Fife on the Andy Griffith show, died February 24 at the age of 81.

And last entry I mentioned that Joey, our family dog had passed away. Well, my sister Leila and her husband Ben have put together a nice little website in Joey's honor. Check it out at http://www.geocities.com/leilapev/JoeyTribute.html

Okay, from now on when I find interesting video bits I am going to stick them under the heading...

P.P. TV

Click Here to go to "Top 10 Things Peter Griffin Wants to tell America"

Click Here to go to "All the Brokeback Parodies in One Place"

http://www.bloggerheads.com/star_wars/special_edition.asp ( Star Wars photoshop animated to music. Really cool!)

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

My dad and I used to have anagram competitions where we would try to come up with the best anagrams we could. So, I thought I would begin to share some with you this week.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: he's grown large n' crazed

•    William Shatner: slim alien wrath & Will is earthman

•    Elvis Aaron Presley: Seen alive? Sorry, pal & earns lovely praise

•    David Letterman: terminal dead TV & nerd amid late TV

•    Clint Eastwood: old west action & lies down to act
 
•    Jennifer Aniston: fine in torn jeans

•    Saddam Hussein: UNs said he's mad

•    Marilyn Monroe: in lore, my Norma & I marry loon men

SHARPENING AXES

Today's lesson is how to speak Southern.

Addled:  Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, "What's wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled."

Afar:  In a state of combustion. "Call the far department. That house is afar."

Ahr:  What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. "They should've been here about an ahr ago."

Ar:  Possessive pronoun. "That's AR dawg, not yours."

Ary:  Not any. "He hadn't got ary cent."

Awfullest:  The worst. "That's the awfullest lie you evr told me in your life."

Bad-mouth:  To disparage or derogate. "All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I've about decided not to vote for any of 'em."

Baws:  Your employer. "The baws may not always be right, but he's always the baws."

Best:  Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. "You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it."

Braht:  Dazzing. "Venus is a braht planet."

Bud:  Small feathered crature that flies. "A robin sure is a pretty bud."

Cawse:  Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective "lawst" (lost). "The War Between the States was a lawst cawse."

Cayut:  A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. "Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed."

Chunk:  To throw. "Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk 'at ball, can't he? Best pitcher we ever had."

Clone:  A type of scent women put on themselves. "what's that clone you got on, honey?"

Contrary:  Obstinate, perverse. "Jim's a fine boy, but she won't have nothin' to do with him. She's just contrary, is all Ah can figure."

Daints:  A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. "You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?"

Danjuh:  Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, "Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm's way."

Deah:  A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he saidto Scarlett O'Hara, "Frankly, my deah, Ah don't give a damn."

Didn't go to:  Did not intend to. "Don't whip Billy for knockin' his little sister down. He didn't go to do it."

Dollin:  Another term of endearment. (darling) "Dollin, will you marry me?"

Dreckly:  Soon. "He'll be along dreckly."

Effuts:  Exertions. "Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant."

Everthang:  All-encompassing. "everthang's all messed up."

Everhoo:  Another baffling Southernism - a reverse contraction of whoever."Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room."

Fahn:  Excellent. "That sure is a fahn-lookin' woman."

Farn:  Anything that is not domestic. "Ah don't drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka."

Fetchin':  Attractive. "That's a mighty fetchin' woman. Think I'll ask her to daints."

Fixin' to:  About to. "I'm fixin' to go to the store."

Fummeer:  A place other than one's present location. "Where do we go fummeer?"

Gawn:  Departed. "Bo's not here. He's gawn out with somebody else."

Grain of sense:  An appraisal of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. "That boy ain't got a grain of sense."

Hahr:  That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. "You need a hahrcut."

Hod:  Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child's head. "That boy's so hod-headed it's pitiful."

Ignert:  Ignorant. "Ah've figgered out what's wrong with Congress. Most of 'em are just plain ignert."

 Innerduce:  To make one person acquainted with another. "Lemme innerduce you to my cousin.  She's a little on the heavy side, but she's got a great personality."

Iont:  I don't. "Iont know if Ah can eat another bobbycue (barbecue) or not."

Jewant:  Do you want. "Jewant to go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?"

Kin:  Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. "Are you kin to him?" "Yeah, He's my brother."

Klect:  To receive money to which one is entitled. "Ah don't think you'll ever klect that bill."

Laht:  A source of illumination. "This room's too doc (dark). We need more laht in here."

Lar:  One who tells untruths. "Not all fishermen are lars. It's just that a lot of lars fish."

Let alone:  Much less. "He can't even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family."

Lick and a promise:  To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. "We don't have time to clean this house so it's spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise."

Mahty raht:  Correct. "You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin' a little bit."

Make out:  Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. "You chirren (Children) hadn't had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper."

Nekkid:  To be unclothed. "Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird."

Nemmine:  Never mind, but used in the sense of difference. "It don't make no nemmine to me."

Of a moanin:  Of a morning, meaning in the morning. "My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin."

Ownliest:  The only one. "That's the ownliest one Ah've got left."

Pert:  Perky, full of energy. "You look mighty pert today."

Purtiest:  The most pretty. "ain't she the purtiest thing you ever seen?"

Rahtnaow:  At once. "Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it's time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow."

Restrunt:  A place to eat. "New Yorker's got a lot of good restrunts."

Retard:  No longer employed. "He's retard now."

Sass:  Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. "Don't sass me, young lady. You're not too old to get a whippin'."

Shainteer:  Indicates the absence of a female. "Is the lady of the house in?" "Nope. Shainteer."

Shudenoughta:  Should not. "You shudenoughta have another drink."

Stain:  The opposite of leaving. "Ah hate this party, and Ah'm not stain much longer."

Supper:  The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. "What's for supper, honey?

Take on:  To behave in a highly emotional manner. "Don't take on like that, Brenda Sue. He's not the only man in Lee County."

Tal:  What you dry off with after you take a share. "Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?"

Tawt:  To instruct. "Don't pull that cat's tail. Ah tawt you better'n that."

Tore up:  Distraught, very upset. "His wife just left him, and he's all tore up about it."

Unbeknownst:  Lacking knowledge of. "Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards."

Usta:  Used to. "Ah usta live in Savanah."

Vaymuch:  Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. "Ah don't like this ham vaymuch."

Wahn:  What Jesus turned the water into, unless you're Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. "Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?"

Wars:  Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. "They're puttin' telephone wars underground now."

Wawk:  A method of non-polluting travel by foot. "Why don't we take an old-fashioned wawk?"

Wender:  A glass-covered opening in a wawl. "Open that wender, It's too hot in here."

Yat:  A common greeting in the Irish Channel section of New Orleans. Instead of saying "hey" in lieu of "hello" the way most Southerners do, they say, "Where yat?"

Y'heah?:  A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. "Y'all come back soon, y'heah?"

Yungins:  Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. "Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes."

Zit:  Is it. "Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you're having fun."

BROKEN

A new segment where we show you things that I think are 'broken'. You'll catch on quicker then you can catch on Fake or Foto.

"Teaching Kids to Read for Dummies" is one title that the "Dummies" folks should have skipped. Dummies probably shouldn't be teaching kids to read. Or are the kids going to read to the dummies?

FAKE OR FOTO

The last Fake or Foto pic of the monkeys was fake. They were wooden monkeys. actually, they were C.G.I. wooden monkeys. Okay, are you ready for the last of the Fake or Foto pics? Here we go. Is this pic fake...or foto?

 

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP

 

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

Is this a saxophone player or a human face?

 

Okay, now for my...

OSCAR PREDICTIONS

I suck at predicting the Oscars. But here goes. Remember, if you lay down money on what I say here, you will most likely never see it again. But my opinions are totally correct and true — even if the dumb Academy ends up disagreeing.

Best Actress

Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Keira Knightley, Pride and Prejudice
Charlize Theron, North Country
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Who Oughta Win and Why:
Forget what I said earlier about digging obscure actors in post-everything French movies — I love Reese Witherspoon! It's totally lame, I understand. But she made even that crappy movie about Mark Ruffalo falling in love with Dead Her almost bearable. And she balanced Joaquin Phoenix's sweaty, Method-y, drugged Johnny Cash by coming on strong with what appeared to be a slightly twangier, bigger-haired version of her no-nonsense self. (You just know she's angrily thrown beer bottles at Ryan Phillippe at least once to make him obey her.) But I think my new favorite reason why she should win is what the blabbing talking-head guy on E! said on the morning of the nominations as definitive proof of why she deserves it: "She learned to play the autoharp!"

Best Actor

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck

Who Oughta Win and Why:
Did you ever see Josie and the Pussycats? It's really good. And there's this moment in that movie in which one of the Pussycats, it might have even been the awesome Tara Reid, after she's been brainwashed and is ready to sell out to the corporate rock machine, announces, "Heath Ledger is the new Matt Damon!" Back in 2001, that's exactly something you'd have heard someone saying on Entertainment Tonight, and you'd have gone, "Who's Heath Ledger? Oh, you mean that guy from that stupid A Knight'sTale movie? Yeah, he sucks." He was the handsome young Next Big Thing you figured was doomed to be in one awful movie after another and then maybe he'd wind up on some Law & Order show where all he'd have to do is say stuff like "Can you think of any reason why someone would want to kill your husband, ma'am?" So to watch him just set fire to all that in Brokeback Mountain is like seeing an innocent man get acquitted of a crime he didn't commit. He's like the dude Michelle Williams in way, so it makes sense that she's his baby mama now.

Best Director

George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Paul Haggis, Crash
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller, Capote
Steven Spielberg, Munich

Who Oughta Win and Why:
It would make for a great, quippy night if George Clooney were to win. He's full of snappy retorts. Ang Lee probably isn't, so if he wins, it'll be boring. But he should win anyway, because he made the best movie of the batch. He did that by keeping his actors full of repressed, pent-up anguish; dialing everyone down to Understatement Level Zero; and allowing his camera to stay focused on the calm, still gorgeousness of the landscape. It's kind of a trick: You're taking in all the natural beauty, allowing yourself to become hopeful that the underdog lovers will break free and go live on their own Big Gay Sheep Ranch, but all around you, the film itself is about to die of heartbreak. And when it's over, you still don't feel sucker-punched. That's what a director does.

Best Picture

Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Munich

Who Oughta Win and Why:
A History of Violence. Oh, wait, it's not nominated. OK then, Brokeback Mountain it is. This movie takes everything you know about epic moviemaking, love stories, weepies, "women's films," "men's films," westerns and gay indie film clichés and slowly wads it all up into a big ball and throws it in the trash. It's a super-tasteful trash can, the kind that you get for donating $500 to PBS, but still, it's in the trash. And now that all the nervous jokes have been told, and all the commentators have commented, and all the gay people have finished complaining about how it's so tragic and doesn't reflect their modern experience, and all the anti-gay people have had their moment of retro-indignation about how it's so gay and will turn everyone who watches it into a pillar of salt, we can talk about how it's just a really good, really moving, really heartbreaking reminder that It's a Bad Idea to Waste Your Life.

Of course, like every year, I have not seen any of the movies here. I did see Doogal last week and loved it, even though I want to see the real British version.

Okay, now for

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 3: The first publicity still is confusing, but if I'm translating my fanboy Internet chatter correctly, the black suit is some alien thingy that takes the form of the regular Spidey suit, and wearing it makes Peter Parker go crazy. Oh, and if you look closely enough, you'resupposed to be able to see a reflection of a church and the Green Goblin in his eyeball. Uh, what?

The Da Vinci Code: Did Dan Brown swipe the plot from a nonfiction book? Will a plagiarism lawsuit delay the release of the movie? Look, the only thing that's gonna change the opening date is if someone actually does stumble upon the Holy Grail.

Untitled Supergirl Sequel: Mischa Barton as the Girl of Steel? Meh. I mean, if you're gonna pick an O.C. hottie, you've gotta go with Rachel Bilson. And no, I don't care that Supergirl's supposed to be a blonde.

Star Trek 11:Is the Star Trek franchise really, finally dead? Quite possibly. How to spot a Trekkie in mourning: Look for the uncontrollably sobbing person in Vulcan ears with his phaser set to "denial."

X3: The Last Stand: You know you're in for a severe beating when you open the front door and find Juggernaut in your living room. Apparently, he likes to watch soccer before kicking the crap out of people.

Well, that's it. I will leave you with a random picture. Remember, spread the word, not the turd. 'Nuff said.