Friday, October 12, 2018

Pheaturing Lukas Nelson

Good morning, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Friday. Two Phile's in a row. Aren't you lucky? Haha. Melania Trump, of "married to Donald Trump" fame, has already baffled the world with her chutzpah to claim she's an advocate against cyberbullying when her husband is the cyberbully-in-chief. Fresh off of telling the #MeToo movement that they're going to need "evidence" if they want to come forward about sexual assault, Melania told ABC News that she became interested in the issue because "I could say that I'm the most bullied person on the world."

ABC graciously changes the "on" to "in" for the tweet, but the First Lady does say "on." Never mind the grammatical issue... as questionable as the syntax of the slogan #BeBest... this rich, powerful lady who spread racist conspiracy theories about President Barack Obama is saying that she's a victim? Seriously? Does she have any EVIDENCE that she's a victim? By her own standard, she should produce some documents or shut the F up. Yeah, people aren't crying for Melania. Has she heard of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, whose assaulter is on the Supreme Court, and still can't go to her house because of death threats? She's starting to sound a lot like Donald, isn't she? With her pursed lips, she's starting to look like him, too. Meanwhile, Michelle Obama celebrated the International Day of the Girl and launching a girls' education initiative. Maybe Melania should try plagiarizing Michelle again.
Just when we thought everyone was falling to pieces, someone has won Internet prank of the year by purchasing a domain name for Brett Kavanaugh and getting the most millennial revenge ever. Brett Kavanaugh, alleged sexual assaulter, beer specialist and frat boy from hell, was confirmed to the supreme court on October 6th. It was a long journey with an unhappy ending that gave us little hope for the future despite his victim, #Metoo movement hero Christine Blasey Ford's, inspiring and gut-wrenching testimony. Now, another hero has stepped up and bought before Old Bretty could and has given Kavanaugh's image a makeover. The site's powerful homepage banner says it all...

Chills. The new Brett Kavanaugh Internet presence is not just a prank, though, it is a resource for victims of sexual assault, harassment and rape. Toward the bottom of the homepage, the site offers help and hope for change through the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, End Rape On Campus, and the Rape, Abuse and Incest Network. And, at the very bottom of the site is a link to Fix The Court, which has information about what we can do to stop not only Kavanaugh's power in the Supreme Court, but also to prevent other justices from using their Yale and Beer degrees to get away with assault, and serving for life as a Justice. Fix the Court has fessed up to the takeover and the executive director of the organization, Gabe Roth, wrote in a statement, "Three years ago, I bought a handful of URLs that I thought might be useful in any forthcoming Supreme Court confirmation battles. Included were, .org and .net. Today I am redirecting those three to a landing page with resources for victims of sexual assault. I believe Dr. Ford. I believe Prof. Hill. I also believe that asking for forgiveness is a sign of maturity and strength, not weakness. Watching last night’s White House event and listening to the President again cast doubt on veracity of Dr. Ford’s claims, while not hearing a word of contrition from the newest justice, was difficult for many Americans who have experienced sexual misconduct firsthand. Fix the Court stands with you. We believe you, and we support you. And if you seek additional resources, you can go to Thank you, Gabe Roth and Fix the Court for not only the laugh, but also the step towards progress. And Kavanaugh, I hope you love your new brand!
Even though they themselves are actors who play journalists, it appears that the people at Fox News do not understand how acting works. In what is framed as the ultimate "gotcha!" against Hollywood liberals, state TV the network posted in absolute horror the fact that Jamie Lee Curtis has guns in her upcoming horror movie, despite being against murder machines IRL. The tweet was quickly ratio'd... an objective measure of its stupidity.

Just wait until the people at Fox News hear that there is a whole industry around people doing things they otherwise wouldn't do in real life. Dear Leader Donald Trump is also different on screen then he is in real life. He played a successful businessman on TV, despite going bankrupt multiple times. Contrary to popular belief, the gun control movement seeks not to outlaw all guns, it just wants to control their availability. That's why it's called "gun control" rather than "gun banishment" or "gun extinction." As always, I'm glad Fox News is how the president of the United States gets his intelligence briefing.
Filmmaker Richard Linklater has brought us such masterpieces as Boyhood, the Before trilogy, and Dazed and Confused, which introduced the world to the pre-McConaughssaince Matthew McConaughey and introduced Foghat and "Slow Ride" to a whole new generation. Linklater has an extremely impressive IMDB page, and he just might have made his most powerful film yet. The hardcore Texan was recruited by Fire Ted Cruz PAC to make an ad roasting Ted Cruz's corny "Tough as Texas" campaign slogan, which absolutely delivered. The ad stars Sonny Carl Davis, in character as the straight-talking coffee shop customer from Linklater's 2011 film Bernie. Talking straight to the camera, Davis calls out Cruz for his complete and total lameness in bowing down to Trump after the crazy shit Trump said about the Cruz family in the primaries. "I mean, come on," Davis says. "If somebody called my wife a dog and said my daddy was in on the Kennedy assassination, I wouldn’t be kissing their ass. You stick a finger in their chest and give ’em a few choice words. Or you drag their ass out by the woodshed and kick their ass, Ted. Come on, Ted.​​​​" That extra "come on................ Ted" is truly devastating. The ad has already gone viral because it rules. What do you have to say to that................ Ted?
In a truly bonkers turn of events because nothing about the year 2018 is even remotely normal, the midterm elections have become a proxy war between Taylor Swift and Kanye West. Even stranger: country singer Swift is the one endorsing Democrats while Kanye has gone full MAGA. The alt-right, who once heralded Swift as their "Aryan Goddess," are devastated that the pop princess has abandoned them for LGBTQ rights and human decency. Along with neo-Nazis on 4chan, one of the people kvetching about Swift's admission of empathy is the Taylor Swift of Fox News, Tomi Lahren. With absolutely no understanding of irony, the 26-year-old talking head denounced celebrities who "pop off shit they don't understand. Period."

Well according to Twitter, Lahren just described herself. Period. Oh, and that also sounds like the president, who started off on a reality show. For what it's worth, it looks like Termi Lerman doesn't want to burn ALL her bridges just in case Taylor ever wants to invite her to join her Girl Gang. You're still not invited to the Fourth of July barbecue, Tammy.
Have you heard of the Christy Miller series? I haven't, but I thought this was kinda funny...

I said this before, Baby boomers everywhere are doing their damnedest to communicate via text, often with their tech-savvy millennial children. Let's look at an example, shall we?

Speaking of complete non sequiturs... haha. You know who would do a better job as president? A bloody penguin.

I saw this pic and it reminded me of something.

The it hit me...

Looks pretty much the same, right? Ever see those homeless people on the side of the road holding signs? Well, have you ever seen anything like this?

No penis. I feel bad for those people. Here's a random meme to get you laughing this morning...

Hahahahahahaha. I think today's guest, Lukas Nelson would get a kick outta that. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Things That Would Happen If Men Ran The World
5. Telephones would cut off after thirty seconds of conversation.
4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a "nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
3. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
2. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
1. St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.

Haha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Here's another common Halloween costume you probably didn't know were horribly...

Costume: Captain Jack Sparrow.

Why it's offensive: Ever heard the term "rape and pillage"? Pirates are pretty much the originators of rape culture, and dressing as one is basically telling the world, "I think every relationship should begin with a dose of Rohypnol." And as everyone knows, Johnny Depp developed this particular character by copying the mannerisms of Keith Richards, maybe the most famous substance abuser in the world. Sorry, anyone in recovery or anyone who lost a loved one to addiction!

The 88th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

David Attenborough will be the guest on the Phile on Tuesday. Okay, so, there's this guy who once in awhile comes on the Phile and gives an update on his life. He doesn't really have the best luck, and we haven't heard from him in a while, but he wanted to come on and let us know what's the latest in his life. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hey, Dindo, what's new with you?

Dindo: Hi, Jason. Well, a few days ago I grabbed the wrong briefcase from my office while I was rushing to the airport... It had a loaded Walther P99 in it.

Me: What? Why would you keep a loaded gun in your office?

Dindo: I dunno.

Me: Well, what happened?

Dindo: I got a $5,000 fine from the TSA.

Me: Oh man, that's a lot of money.

Dindo: Yeah, but it was bumped down to $3,000 because I paid within thirty days. Really stupid of me to say the least.

Me: You could say that again. Guess it backfired though. Take care of yourself, Dindo.

Dindo: Thanks, Jason. You too.

Me: Dindo Nuffin, kids.

A third-grade teacher was instructing her students in some of the wonders of nature and ended by saying, "Isn't it wonderful how baby chickens get out of their shells?" An 8-year-old, showing more curiosity than the rest said, "What gets me is how they got in."

Today's guest is an American musician who Lukas Nelson co-produced and wrote the music for the new film A Star is Born. His band Lukas Nelson & Promise of The Real appear in the film as Bradley Cooper's band. Please welcome to the Phile... Lukas Nelson.

Me: Hello, Lukas, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Lukas: I'm good, man, thank you.

Me: I saw you play at Sunfest in West Palm Beach and you were fantastic. Anyway, you co-wrote and produced the music in the new remake of A Star is Born. I didn't see the movie yet, Lukas, can you tell me and my readers what it's about?

Lukas: It's the perfect music story. Two people falling in love, one a budding singer going to the top and the other a legend who is struggling.

Me: This is a remake, am I right?

Lukas: Yeah, it's a story been told in Hollywood three times. Most recently by Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson back in 1977.

Me: Did you just bring music to the movie, or anything else?

Lukas: Well... I was the basis for Bradley's entire character. Being the son of Willie Nelson probably helped with that.

Me: Okay, so, when did Bradley first saw you? Do you know?

Lukas: Apparently it was when Bradley saw me backing up Neil Young.

Me: Oh, cool. So, what did this big movie star, Bradley Cooper see in you?

Lukas: He saw the camaraderie that we had with each other and the band. There were no sort of special effects. Neil actually had the screen covered in burlap that was behind the stage with a big burlap seed back covered the stage and he had teepees on the stage. It was just pure jam rock and roll legendary Neil Young songs.

Me: I like some of Neil Young music and would love to have him here on the Phile, but I saw him in concert with Crazy Horse and it was one of my least favorite concerts ever. Didn't help that Sonic Youth was the opening band. Are you a Neil Young fan, Lukas?

Lukas: Well, I always feel there's two types of people that I meet in this world and their Neil Young fans and not Neil Young fans. If you don't like Neil Young and I find out, like if I was on a date or something, then suddenly a phone will ring and my mother will need help somewhere so I will have too leave. Haha.

Me: Ha. So, when you first sat down with Bradley Cooper what did he want you to show him? 

Lukas: Bradley's a very wise guy. He mediates and he's calm and he's collected and he's focused. I think he understands the inspiration is sort of contagious. If someone is in an inspired place than being around that is good for wherever I'm working on. So I think he got inspired by us with Neil and felt that energy and that vibe and said he wants to create something like that with the character and recreate A Star is Born, which he'd already been thinking about and then kinda came along so maybe he just wanted that energy around. He wanted a piece of that energy that he saw and felt there around and that was I could bring that with him and that sort of feeling that that authenticity, of you want to call it that, but all it is is that specific energy of that moment. He wanted to bring the momentum of that into the screen and sort present this is what he loves about music, this is Bradley Cooper's love of music and the way he thinks about music. He is a deep guy when it comes to that.

Me: The opening scene I heard is kind of crazy where's he's singing "Black Eyes." What can you tell us about that scene?

Lukas: That scene was filmed before Jamey Johnson's set and my father's set at Stagecoach. There's a fifteen minute set change window where the film crew got in there and the band went in there, recorded that song in front of the audience filming him doing that. Actually what you hear in the movie is exactly what it was. He's singing that part and the vocals have not been altered at all. That's exactly what he sang in there.

Me: Who knew Bradley Cooper could sing. What do you think of his singing, Lukas?

Lukas: The progression to be able to go do that in front of a crowd like that where he didn't miss the notes it's pretty amazing. The character himself is supposed to be on the decline. He's got ear issues, he drinks too much, he still sells out major stadiums but he's kinda on the decline. So the rawness of him having just gotten to this place as a musician in real life and then in the movie he's sort of on the decline. He sort of hits the perfect combination of timing where it really works, it's believable, it's there. He's got potential, I could see his potential fore being an actual incredible musician. I'm hoping contrary to the films trajectory he continues to sing and practices to sing because he's got the talent inside him. If he keeps doing that he could be a musician. It's obvious it's in him and so that first scene really shows that to me.

Me: A lot of my friends who saw the movie say how good Lady Gaga is as Ally. What do you think makes her so good?

Lukas: Well, she's dedicated, she practices... she practiced. I think that's what it all comes down to. Really the good ones acknowledge they have to put the time in to their work and give their whole lives. We don't see an Olympian unless that Olympian has practiced. It doesn't happen over night, they have to put the time in.

Me: What was it like to write songs for this movie?

Lukas: I just write what I feel. I'm a guy who had a lot of epiphanies in my life. Every time I come to a new understanding and have an epiphany that can turn into a great song because when art reflects the state of mind of the artist and then this artist has a sort of an epiphany that epiphany can be transferred onto sound and lyric and then sort of triggers that epiphany and inspire others. Maybe they won't have the same epiphany but they'll feel that that inspiration is behind that art and it resonates. I write songs from THAT place than it really cannot help but be relatable to everybody and smile enough yet elegant enough to translate across genre boundaries or boundaries of the worlds to be cultural boundaries.

Me: Man, that's deep, Lukas. Hahahaha. So, being a musician does the story that Bradley put together or the movie seem like real life or is it farfetched, how money gets in the way of the art?

Lukas: Yeah, it is the struggle of our time to find meaning and expression in a world where we're being drowned in commerce and the idea that sort of material gain is more important than spiritual gain. We're sort of getting lost in our devices, our computers and our interconnectivity which is a beautiful thing because it brings us together but at the same time we sort of feel lost and anonymity of this. That's why we celebrate people who are able to rise above the anonymity somehow or create something special. I think that is the great question of our time really, is can we keep our humanity as technology and the race of the world and commerce sort of drive this ship called progress.

Me: In real life when people are famous or getting famous, someone always tries to make a couple of bucks from them. Managers, record companies, agents, you know. Do you ever see that?

Lukas: Here's the thing... that is a very real part of any job anyone will have. I think there's a lot though in the music industry because first of all as artists we're vulnerable by nature. And so it's hard for us. If somebody comes up and says they love what I do, they want to bring that out. Like for example, the Ally character, probably for months in the time line of the film before the new manager comes in and says, "Hey, I like what you're doing." She was taking out the trash in a restaurant. And it can be almost devastating easy to compromise who they are in order to say "you know what, I'm not quite sure I like this. I gotta do it, because what else am I gonna do? I gotta play music. Maybe I can get famous and then I'll be able to do whatever I want after that because I'll have enough money to be able to do it." A lot of people sort of compromise and they're isn't a right or wrong on it. They got to make a living. That's just the thing, when I see somebody who is able to make a living and keep who they are, that's really worth the title "celebrity." That's really when we can celebrate somebody, that's when I think it's worth it. Because if you see someone out there like Gaga, like Stephanie, or Ally, whose made it and the success is there the fame is almost like the symptom of the success because they're just driving, they're driven, they want to do the best they can at what they do and that is worth celebrating to me.

Me: You and I have something in common and that's both our dads were famous musicians. My dad was Lonesome Dave from Foghat and yours as we know is Willie Nelson. I am not in the music business really, but you are. Did your dad ever give you any advice or talk to you about the business? 

Lukas: Well, yeah, sort of. Dad and I talk about a lot of things. We get philosophical, we see things eye to eye. He taught our family. Our family, my mother and father are good people and they raised us with conscience and I think about them when I'm making decisions in life all the time. I don't think it matters though I was a musician but it's all about staying true to who I am really in life. Resisting temptation, the temptation to lose ones self for gain. Like the Beatles said, "Gain the world and lose your soul." "We were talking, about the space between us all and the people, who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion never glimpse the truth, then it's far too late when they pass away..." What's that song?

Me: That's "Within You Without You." Are you a Beatles fan, Lukas? Paul is gonna be on the Phile next Thursday!

Lukas: That's very cool. "Within You Without You," one of the more beautiful lyrically songs. I love George Harrison to because George was one of those guys. The Beatles, Paul McCartney, down to earth people. Yeah, sure they were around a lot of famous people and there's a scene that surrounds people who are elevated like that in different ways. They're about goodness, they're about bringing goodness to the world, love to the world and standing for something, and they have something to say. Like Jackson says in the movie, "If you don't have something to say you're not going to have legs." 

Me: So, what do you think young artists who are starting out is going to take away from A Star is Born?

Lukas: I hope it inspires young people and old people, it doesn't matter how old they are. I hope it inspires them to want to slow down and do something for themselves and then have something to say. I think the rat race gets us all caught up in what we feel like we have to do in order to make ends meet. And yes, most of us have to spend all of our time making ends meet. Even so, even the hardest of working of us in countries where people have nothing they have art and they have music and they bring that into their lives and it enriches their lives despite the haves and have nots in life. And I think no matter what they do in life, if they sort if find music I think they'll do better, think better, be better. 

Me: So cool. Lukas, thanks for being on the Phile. Come back again soon and tell your dad he needs to be on the Phile.

Lukas: Absolutely. It was a pleasure.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Lukas for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Tuesday with author and TV legend David Attenborough. Then like I said next Thursday it's the one and only Paul McCartney! Holy shit. Crazy, right? Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Pheaturing Eddie Money

Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? Well, in a truly surreal moment in the history of the American presidency, Donald Trump welcomed Kanye West into the Oval Office. Sitting across from the president at the resolute desk, Kanye delivered a soliloquy that covered everything from his "sleep deprivation" being misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder, the "trap door" of the 13th Amendment that abolished slavery, and why it's the red hat that makes him feel like a man. In what is a revealing insight into the gender politics of the MAGA movement, Kanye said that he embraced the red hat and everything it represents because he was feeling a lack of "male power" in his life as a member of the Kardashian family. "I love Hillary. I love everyone, but the campaign ‘I’m with her’ just didn’t make me feel... as a guy… it was something about this hat that made me feel like Superman," he said. Oh, and once he fully subscribed to the MAGA doctrine, he had the "balls" to do business with Adidas. Yes, when they're not chanting "Lock her up!" or "Build that wall!", Trumpism is all about finding the most lucrative footwear deal. Much like his idol, Kanye kvetched about "Saturday Night Live," insisting that satirizing the president puts America's status in the world at risk, rather than the president a guy who gets laughs in his face at the United Nations. Kanye's rant is just so profoundly sad. At one point, he said that "time is a myth" and that racism was invented by liberals to get votes. People couldn't help but notice that not only was this the longest Trump has ever stayed silent on camera, but the famous ranter had a hard time following Kanye's rant. Pundits noted that Kanye's soliloquy seemed straight outta conservative YouTube. Aaaaaaaand scene.
Neo-Nazis on 4chan have been betrayed by their "Aryan Goddess," and it couldn't have happened to worse people. While we know all about each and every one of Taylor Swift's boyfriends of the past ten years, the pop star was notoriously mum on her political views. Despite making #girlgang and #feminism a big part of her "1989" tour, she never endorsed Hillary Clinton in 2016, as not to alienate her fans from her country days and give up prime money-making opportunities in the middle of the country. Now that her "Reputation" tour has wrapped, T-Swizzle has officially come out... as a Democrat. In a well-researched, lengthy post on Instagram, Swift revealed that she will be voting in the state of Tennessee, casting her ballot for Democrats Phil Bredesen for Senate and Jim Cooper for the House. Swift cited Republican Marsha Blackburn's views on LGBTQ rights (she's against them) and the Violence Against Women Act (she's against it too) as reasons not to support her.  Right wingers are now freaking out, insisting that Swift has been #canceled. According to conservatives, celebrities shouldn't speak up about politics... unless they agree with them. "Looks like the Jews finally broke her," a 4channer wrote. "Goodbye Tay we will miss you." On behalf of my Jewish readers let me just say As a Jew, allow me to say, Taylor Swift... welcome to the Resistance.
Bill Cosby's lawyers have already begun the appeals process, trying to get the serial rapist's sexual assault conviction overturned because of "a string of trial errors." The hired guns are arguing that his three-to-ten years sentence to too harsh because Cosby is 81 years old and blind. That's extremely ableist of them... old and blind people can be rapists, too. They're also arguing that there is no proof that the particular rape (of a possible sixty) happened within the state of Pennsylvania's statute of limitations. If Cosby gets out of prison, he just might be appointed to the Supreme Court.
Mysterious political muralist Banksy out-Banksy'd himself with a painting that immediately self-destructed after it was sold for over a million dollars at a Sotheby's auction. Banksy revealed the creative process in a video posted on Instagram. Years ago, the street artist built a shredder into the frame, intending to activate it before all the crusty art collectors and pearl-clutching millionaires if it was ever sold. Everyone other than the people at the auction loved the stunt. "What happened at Sotheby’s is Banksy’s greatest work," art critic Jonathan Jones wrote in The Guardian. "He has said something that needed to be said: art is being choked to death by money. The market turns imagination into an investment and protest into decor for some oligarch’s house. The only real rebellion left is for works of art to destroy themselves the moment they are sold." As your friend from college who just started taking improv classes will tell you, true art is fleeting. I have to show you a pic of this in case you didn't see it...

Body language is one of the most universal forms of communication for important evolutionary reasons. The most nuanced changes in facial expressions and posture can speak volumes through language barriers or oppressively silencing circumstances. The confirmation of alleged rapist Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court has ushered in a national dialogue about the pervasiveness of sexual assault and how abuser tactics function. As the whole world watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's personal testimony of sexual assault, many survivors saw themselves in her experience. During Kavanaugh's screaming testimony of alleged innocence, many noticed how the women sitting behind him in the hearing room... his wife Ashley Kavanaugh, his mother, and several close family friends, all appeared as disturbed by his presence as those of us opposing him. Most notably, people have been examining the ways Kavanaugh's wife Ashley appears to see through him. Since his confirmation, several body language experts have posted discussions about the ways Ashley's body language indicate distress in the marriage, and a general discomfort with her husband. Everything from Ashley's minute facial expressions to the positioning of her feet suggest extreme discomfort around Kavanaugh. Particularly, in conjunction with his aggressively postured body language. Survivors of domestic violence have also chimed in to share the ways they see signs of potentially abusive power dynamics exposed through these exchanges. Several people connected Kavanaugh's aggressive body language towards Ashley with Blasey Ford's description of her assault. The ways the daughters look at Ashley seeking affirmation of the moment while completely avoiding Kavanaugh struck a chord with many abuse survivors. The visual dynamic of intense discomfort is apparent in several different video clips and photos, which suggests this is a pattern. The dynamics in a violent relationship are full of deeply layered danger and complications, and the last thing I want to do is diagnose Ashley's circumstances from a place of ignorance. However, it's notable and deeply sad how many survivors of physical abuse see themselves in her body language, and how even experts can tell the power dynamic is off. Given Blasey Ford's testimony, and the allegations from Deborah Ramirez and Julie Swetnick, and now his wife Ashley's distressed body language, all arrows point towards Kavanaugh being an abusive scourge upon this earth.
Man, I feel sorry for the people up in the Florida panhandle. Hurricane Michael really did a number on it. Hurricane Michael looked tough...

Yeesh. Baby boomers everywhere are doing their damnedest to communicate via text, often with their tech-savvy millennial children. Let's look at an example, shall we?

But the sweetest sentiments shine through. Does Burger King actually sell biscuits??? If I had a TARDIS I would go to see the Boston Marathon in 1967 and try to stop race organizers from attempting to stop Kathrine Switzer from competing in the Marathon. She became the first woman to finish the race.

Good for her. You know what makes me laugh? Old people wearing inappropriate shirts. Like this old lady...

And what's with the Yankees hat with Goofy ears? Do you ever prank your co-workers? This person did...

Hmmm. So, I was thinking, you know who would do a better job as president? A fucking penguin.

Hahahahahaha. Speaking of the president, have you seen his new look?

Ha! That's actually stupid. That's as stupid as...

Alright, so I have said this many of times, one of the best things about the Internet is you can look at porn for free and so easily. But the problem is if you're reading a blog such as this one you might get bored and leave here and go to a porn site. So I thought what if I showed a porn pic here, then you wouldn't have to go anywhere. But then I thought what if you were at work or school... I don't want you to get in trouble so I came up with an ingenious solution.

You. Are. Welcome. It's Thursday, so you know what that means...

Ugh. I think I'm gonna be sick. Okay, moving on... it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile for Week 6 already. How are you?

Jeff: Always glad to be back here on the Phile talking some football for Week 6. Seriously this season is flying by quickly! I'm doing alright. How have you been?

Me: I'm okay. You have a new podcast, right? What is it called and what is it about?

Jeff: Yup. I just started a new podcast called the Cinefan Movie podcast. It's a weekly podcast talking about box office and news, plus movie reviews. There will be random games and activities as well. Last week was the first episode. Starting this week you will be able to find it on iTunes. I'm still waiting to see if Spotify will carry it as well.

Me: Very cool. Man oh man, those Panther fans sure ripped Eric Reid for kneeling during the National Anthem. Take a look at this prime example...

Me: What do you think of this, Jeff?

Jeff: That guy's review of Eric Reid clearly has nothing to do with his playing ability. I bet that if you checked his social media you will find that he is pro-Trump. Oh, would you look at that?

Me: Ha! What NFL news do you have? 

Jeff: For me the biggest news of the week is that the Browns won on a Sunday for the first time since 2015. I mean think about how much your life has changed in that time. There are very few Browns that are still on the team. But the biggest news is Drew Brees on Monday night because the all time leader in passing yards.

Me: Okay, so, Britain has taken over another team...

Me: What do you think?

Jeff: So far I would say that's my favorite British logo. Jolly good logo, chum.

Me: Okay, so, your Steelers won, and my Giants lost but I picked the Steelers to win. Haha. How did we do?

Jeff: I broke my killer losing streak this week! I went 2-0 with the Steelers win. You went 1-1 with the Giants snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. That was a heart breaking moment. But since the rest of the NFC East isn't doing well either, you're still in it! I gained on you in the overall standings but you still have a 5 point lead.

Me: Oh, yeah! Let's pick this week's picks... I say Falcons by 6 and Jags by 5. The Giants play against the Eagles tonight. What do you pick?

Jeff: My picks for the week are Bears by 5 and Rams by 7. Good luck and I will talk to you next week!

Me: Okay, I will see you back here next Thursday. Good luck with your podcast, Jeff.

Ummm... if you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, a few times I had this inventor on the Phile who likes to come on and tell us what new inventions he's working on. So far every invention seems lame, but he swears his new ones are fantastic. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Mak, welcome back to the Phile. So, you have been working on some new inventions?

Mak: Yes, I have, Jason. Just three new ones.

Me: Okay, great. What's the first one?

Mak: Bulletproof clay pigeons.

Me: What? Clay pigeons? What for? That's really dumb.

Mak: Okay, how about drum sticks for pianos? I am sure your musician friends would love those.

Me: Ummm... no, Mak. That's stupid. Okay, you have one more... make it a good one.

Mak: Oh, it is! It's a wind powered fan.

Me: Ugh! That's pathetic! Mak, get out of here, go back to your lab and come back when you have better ones.

Mak: Okay, Jason. Thanks.

Me: Mak Asterborus, world's greatest inventor, kids. How can he be the world's greatest?

In Brazil, the dolphins that team up with local fisherman have their own accent. For over 160 years, wild dolphins have been helping humans catch more fish by signaling when they should cast their nets. Because they use their own unique whistles even around other dolphins, scientists think they may be trying to distinguish themselves as the "one who helps humans."

Nikki Haley surprised everyone by resigning as the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations on Tuesday morning, immediately setting off a flurry of speculation as to why and who would replace her. Perhaps because it was the easiest punchline for the hold world to collectively gravitate towards, or because the Trump Administration is already so insane, "Ivanka" started trending. With the non-Tiffany first daughter already demanding more governmental privileges than Malia and Sasha Obama ever did, not to mention her inexplicable role as "Advisor to the President," everyone assumed that Ambassador Ivanka was an inevitability. One of the only people who seems to be genuinely impressed by Ivanka is Haley herself. Haley lavished praised on Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, declaring Jared to be a "hidden genius." His genius is so hidden that it's virtually non-existent. The speculation was apparently for real. She does have some experience with foreign affairs through her late fashion brand (RIP). The rumors made its way to a press gaggle with Trump, who insisted "I don't think there would be anyone more competent in the world." He did, however, demonstrated a glimmer of self-awareness when he said that he'd be accused of nepotism, like that's ever stopped him before. "If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd make her U.N. Ambassador," he pretty much said.

There should be a phone number to call if you're lonely and have already bugged all your family and friends for the day, where it would connect you with another random caller for a chat.

The 88th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

David Attenborough will be the guest on the Phile next Tuesday. Now for some...

Phact 1. Until the end of World War II, there was no international law preventing the bombing of civilians around “defended” targets. That’s why the atomic bombings are not considered war crimes.

Phact 2. The famous Swedish Ice Hotel, built every year out of giant chunks of ice from the Torne River, is now required by the Boverket National Housing Board to include fire alarms, despite being made entirely out of frozen water.

Phact 3. After World War 1, various countries around the world experimented with flying tanks... literally tanks with wings... but the idea was eventually scrapped.

Phact 4. One of the inspirations that Anthony Hopkins borrowed from for his interpretation of Hannibal Lecter was a friend of his in London who never blinked which unnerved anyone around him.

Phact 5. Dwayne Johnson’s beard in Hercules was made of yak testicle hair.

Today's pheatured guest is an American singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist who had success in the 1970s and 1980s with a string of Top 40 hits and platinum albums. He is well known for songs like "Baby Hold On," "Two Tickets To Paradise," "Think I'm in Love,"  and "Take Me Home Tonight," A new reality television series about him and his family called "Real Money," debuted on AXS TV on April 8th, 2018. Please welcome to the Phile... Eddie Money.

Me: Hey, Eddie, welcome to the Phile. How are you doing? 

Eddie: Thanks, great to be here, Jason.

Me: So, I have to mention something... in the 90s I was at the Magic Kingdom with my parents and we were in the ice cream place, Sara Lee's and my dad spotted you in the corner at a table with your family. We were talking to you and you made a comment that the Disney tchotchkes are too expensive and your kids want to much. I mentioned I get a discount and we went across to the gift shop and you got a bunch of stuff. Do you remember?

Eddie: Vaguely. I always had a good time at Disney World, and with your old man, Jason. You still work at Disney? You a manager yet?

Me: I still work there, yeah, it's been 30 years and no, I'm not a manager... I'm a coordinator which is better. Haha. You're originally from New York, right? What part?

Eddie: Seaford, New York on the Island.

Me: Cool. I grew up in Poet Jeff. Anyway, you had a lot of great songs, Eddie. When I was going over the list of songs it's kinda amazing, right?

Eddie: Yeah, we had a lot of hits. I'm really lucky to have "Baby Hold On," "Two Tickets...." "Wanna Go Back," "Take Me Home Tonight," "I Think I'm In Love," "Shakin'," we had a lot of hits. When you think about Columbia Records we did come up with a lot of hits and I did a lot of radio and TV. You have to remember back on the day I was paid a thousand dollars a minute for a 70 minute show. I had a lear jet and opened up for Steve Miller in Kansas City then took the lear jet to St. Louis and opened up for Fleetwood Mac. I was on fire back then, man, we opened up for the Stones, the Who, Foghat, we were on the road with everybody. It was a great time too, you know that.

Me: You tour all the time, Eddie. Okay, I have to ask you about the TV show "Real Money" on AXS. What is that like having your own reality show?

Eddie: Well, I got to tell you the Home Owners Association gave me a bunch of fucking shit for having the cameras over here. They have nothing else to do but to fuck with me unfortunately. This HOA, I'm in a gated community and these people here I don''t think they're from the United States, they're from Japan or New Zealand or Australia and yet they're busting my balls. The thing is we did that show "Where Are They Now?" with Oprah, and when the cameras were on they caught my son drinking in the room. My son was really pissed off and they put all that on film and all of a sudden the Oprah thing was good because the show was exciting anyway.

Me: So, what is something we can see on "Real Money"?

Eddie: I bought my daughter a new jeep and she took a couple of pain killers when she had her tooth pulled and she put it in reverse rather in forward and she drive it into a fucking wall, and wrecked the goddamn car. I was wondering where the car was for the first two months, and when I got home they showed me where the car was and they put a mic on me and they put it in the TV show. It's really real because I was super pissed off, a brand new Jeep Cherokee, she turns around and wrecks the fucking thing. I'm supposed to be in a good mood?

Me: Haha. That reminds me when I was driving my parents' Acura once and I totaled it. Anyway, do you like how the show turned out?

Eddie: It's good television, I don't know.

Me: Eddie, you are very funny. If you weren't a singer do you think you'd be a stand up comedian? 

Eddie: It's really something because it's crazy. If you think about what's happening. This couple that I knew from the Greatest Show on Earth, the Ringling Barnum circus, well, they wanted to adopt a child. They went down to the adoption agency and the woman at the agency was very strict and said, "You know, we don't think a circus is very good for raising children." They said, "We really beg to differ because he'll learn about math from counting up the ticket sales, people from the circus have been all over the world, they know everything about geography, they got a doctor on call 24 hours a day, I think it'll be really great. A circus is a great place to raise children." The woman at the agency said, "Okay, we reconsidered, would you like a boy or a girl?" They said, "It doesn't make any difference, as long as they could fit in the cannon." Hahahaha.

Me: Ha! You tour so much, Eddie, and have so many hits, do you ever add songs that weren't hits? Like regular album tracks?

Eddie: When I toured with the Stones I've got in trouble for doing too many encores. I opened for the REO Speedwagon and Styx, it's like Battle of the Bands. I'm going to do "Take Me Home Tonight," and "Two Tickets to Paradise," "Think I'm In Love," and "Shakin'." Come on. This is what I do. I have like 30 songs in the top 100, but I have about 15 songs in Top 40 radio. "I'll Get By" was a big hit for me, I just put "Peace in Our Time" back in the set. I don't have much room in the set, you know.

Me: Didn't you have a play or musical about you, Eddie?

Eddie: Yeah, it was called "Two Tickets to Paradise." Matter of fact is just finished playing in Rochester, New York and it went over really well. We got a standing ovation, it was incredible.

Me: Are there any songs of yours people ask for, Eddie?

Eddie: They wanna hear "The Big Crash," or "Wanna Be a Rock & Roll Star." I don't know. If I go out there and don't play the hits they get pissed off. If I forget to put "Wanna Go Back" in the set I'll hear about it on my fucking Facebook for like weeks.

Me: Yeah, I know Foghat has the same problem. Most bands that have been around with a lot of hits go through that. What is your fan base like now, Eddie?

Eddie: I have people in the 70s coming to my shows, then I tell everybody I used to date their grandmother. Then I get kids coming, their parents listened to me in their cars, listening to their cassettes, or their CDs, so all these kids know "Baby Hold On," "Take Me Home Tonight," "Think I'm in Love," they know the whole thing, it's crazy. So, I've got fans spanning from like 17-years-old to like 73-years-old. It's amazing. It's incredible.

Me: You do a lot of stuff for vets as well, right? I think that's cool.

Eddie: Yeah, I think about these vets, they're amazing to me. These men and women served for our country all over the world. I don't think they joined the Army or the Navy or the fucking Air Force because they're thinking about getting a G.I. loan to go to college. They're over there to be like their parents. They love this country. My brother served in Vietnam, my father was in World War II. I was in a police department, what I do when I think about all these homeless storms.

Me: You are a big dog lover I was told, Eddie. How many dogs do you have?

Eddie: I got eight fucking dogs. We have lot of fucking dogs running around I'm telling you. People step in dog shit all the time.

Me: Your son and daughter are in your band, right?

Eddie: Yeah, Dez is amazing. I am out on the road so much I knew he was playing guitar but I had no idea he was actually recording songs. Then when he gave me a CD I was surprised, my son  created them all. Holy fucking shit, my kid is fucking good. He doesn't sound like me but he's a good writer. These days kids don't sell records anyone. Back in the day I sold 700 million fucking albums. I had a lot of fun doing it too.

Me: And your daughter sings with you as well? Did she listen to rock music giving up?

Eddie: She was into N'Sync, and their parents were big Eddie Money fans. I know Justin Timberlake's mother.

Me: Huh? Hahaha. Eddie, I know you have to go. Please come back again on the Phile. This has been one of the best interviews ever.

Eddie: Thanks, Jason, this has been a lot of fun, man. I've got two tickets to paradise but I'm taking all your readers... both of them. Hahaha.

Me: Ha! Thanks, Eddie. Talk to you soon, sir.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Eddie Money. The Phile will be back tomorrow with musician Lukas Nelson. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let alligators and snakes bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker