Call Me Your Doctor

Hi, welcome to another fun-filled, exciting entry of the Peverett Phile. The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud! Wait a minute, I'm not American. It's also spring break in Iraq. It's kinda like here, half of them getting bombed, half of them getting stoned. Here's news from Mexico: Mexican President Vincente Fox announced that they have discovered oil under the Gulf of Mexico. In a related story, President Bush accused Mexico of having weapons of mass destruction. Former President Bill Clinton is telling people that his gut is saying that America is ready for a woman president. And I would say to President Clinton that's not your gut talking. First Lady Laura Bush said she started exercising when she married President Bush because it was already part of his lifestyle. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that also explains why she stopped reading. Here's some news from my home state Florida. In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy." People in Utah are very upset with HBO because of the show that follows "The Sopranos" called "Big Love." It's about a man in Utah who has three families and seven kids with three different wives. Didn't that used to be called the NBA? Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament? Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16. It's just like Bush's approval rating. So, did you folks see 'The Sopranos' last Sunday? Fans had to wait two years, two years for a new episode. Apparently the show's now being produced by FEMA. The Sopranos are a lot like the Bush administration. There are wiretaps, people going to jail, and the second in command accidentally shoots his best friend. Well, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. This is the one day a year that the mayor turns over control of our ports to leprechauns. Alright, I have a big blog for you, so lets get started.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbed and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I have not found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls the intoxicated man out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus?" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, he quickly pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

And now for a new feature of the Phile called...

GEEK TALK

COMICS: DC Comics and Warner Brothers Pictures announced that Superman Returns director Bryan Singer and screenwriters Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris will provide the plots for four comic-book prequels to the movie that will bridge the story gap between the first Superman movie and Singer's sequel. The four 40-page prequel comics will be published in June, the month the movie opens. The four titles kick off with Superman Returns: Krypton to Earth, with a story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray; and cover by Adam Hughes. The comic revisits the Man of Steel's origins and shows how the world has been transformed in Superman's absence. It comes out June 7. Superman Returns: Ma Kent is next, with a story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Marc Andreyko; art by Karl Kerschl; and cover by Hughes. It spotlights the life of the woman who raised Clark and explores how she survived a world without Superman. It's out June 14. The third title is Superman Returns: Lex Luthor, with story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Palmiotti and Gray; art by Rick Leonardi; and cover by Hughes. It centers on the villainous Luthor, who always dreamed of a world without a Superman. It goes on sale June 21. The last issue is Superman Returns: Lois Lane, with story by Singer, Dougherty and Harris; script by Andreyko; art by Wellington Dias; and cover by Hughes. It deals with the Man of Steel's true love, Lois Lane, and goes on sale June 28. Each title carries a suggested retail price of $3.99. Superman Returns opens June 30.

TV: Russell T. Davies, producer of the new Doctor Who, told SCI FI Wire that one of his priorities was to create a series that would be taken seriously as a mainstream drama. The original incarnation, which was canceled by the BBC in the late '80s after 26 seasons, was regarded by some executives as a bit of a joke in later years. "That's very true," Davies said in an interview. "But all of those people are now gone, so I have to say the opposite is now true. Frankly, I have to say, the terrifying thing about this time last year was that we had just spent all that money on it. Doctor Who has a good budget; it's not the biggest budget in the world, but for the BBC to make 13 episodes of something with this sized budget is very rare. I literally can't think of another example, so an awful lot of faith and trust had been put into it. We were also put in the prime-time slot, so expectations were actually massive, and this time last year was truly scary." Doctor Who premiered in the United Kingdom last year and became a huge hit. "The interesting thing about when the BBC approached me, I was amazed that they wanted the same thing that I did, which was that they also wanted the series to be on in prime time. You could have done a 9 o'clock, post-watershed version of Doctor Who on BBC2, which is one of our smaller channels, a more niche or elite channel, and that would have created a much more adult Doctor Who, much more like the new Battlestar Galactica, or they could have commissioned something with a much smaller budget for, say, BBC3, which is a wild youth-based channel, in which case, Doctor Who would have been possibly a [bit] Monty Python: very wild and extreme and even a bit radical and much more comedy-based. But I was delighted that they put it on for the primary channel, which is BBC1, on Saturday night." As it turned out, the vision that Davies had for the series—about an eccentric Time Lord (played by Christopher Eccleston) traveling through time and space, accompanied by companion Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) in a ship disguised as a police call box—struck an immediate chord when it debuted in its Saturday-night timeslot. "I know it isn't the same in the States, but in Britain, Saturday night is the ratings war night, in which we play Pop Idol [similar to the U.S. American Idol] and all the big entertainment shows, the Dance Fever shows. It's the biggest battleground of all, so the fact the BBC was investing in it so much by putting it in that prime-time slot very much determined what it should be, which is very much the sort of Doctor Who that I wanted to make anyway, which was a very inclusive version, which would include all sorts of viewers, not just niche science-fiction viewers, but was a great big, bold, wild family drama. So I was lucky that the constellations were in the right shape." Doctor Who begins its first-season U.S. run on SCI FI Channel starting at 9 p.m. ET/PT on March 17. That's tomorrow people!

MOVIES: Elizabeth Banks, who will reprise her role as Betty Brant in Spider-Man 3, told SCI FI Wire she's still not sure how much of her character will remain in the final cut of the movie, and she urged journalists to remind writer/director Sam Raimi that she is in fact Peter Parker's first girlfriend, according to the comic-book history. Still in the midst of filming the third part of the blockbuster superhero franchise, Banks took some time off to help promote her upcoming film Slither. "I learned my lesson a long time ago that everything can be cut," Banks said in an interview. Brant is the first girlfriend of Spider-Man's alter-ego, Peter Parker, played by Tobey Maguire in the movie. But only Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) has appeared in the films as Parker's romantic interest. Banks said she knows about her character, a red-head whom Parker meets at the Daily Bugle. Brant's colleague, Eddie Brock, turns on Parker after getting fired from the newspaper and becomes the supervillain Venom, rumored to be played by Topher Grace. Banks teased: "You should maybe write Sam Raimi a letter. I'm very aware of [the character's history]. Make him aware." She added: "Tell him I'm actually Venom!" The third installment for Spider-Man is slated for a May 2007 release. Meanwhile, Banks battles squiggly slugs from outer space in Slither, which opens March 31.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

From teams hooking up to a a team member using a racist euphemism for “motherfucker” to a fake-out pit stop, this episode of The Amazing Race 9 may not have been as funny as the others, but it had plenty of drama:

• Phil informed us that Team Nipple Ring hooked up at the pit stop with Danielle and Dani. “Those girls are really cute,” Jeremy said, in the least heterosexual way possible.
• BJ and Tyler leapt out of the bushes at Eric and Jeremy’s car, making both of them jump. That was the first time I laughed at BJ and Tyler, because it was damn funny. Not content to do it just once, they jumped out at Dave and Lori’s car and rode along on the outside of the car.
• “If you don’t shut up…,” Lake threatened, as he whipped around a corner on a dirt rode. His wife Michelle simply replied, “We’re gettin’ killed.” Delivered in southern accents, however, all of this seemed a lot less threatening.
• “Fly to Moscow Russia!” basically every team said, reading the clue. Do we really need to see every team say this? Are our attention spans really that short?
• Eric flirted with one of the girls on the plane by messing up her hair, and it was like watching a bear try to gently pick upa lizard with its paw but maul it instead.
• In Russia, Monica said, “All I know is Russian people drink and smoke a whole lot.” And all Russian people know about Americans is that we’re simplistic, bigoted dumbheads, so thanks for reaffirming that, Monica.
• “I might have to do it naked!” Michelle shrieked about the roadblock, which involved jumping off a high-dive. Why she thought she’d be naked is something only she can explain.
• “I can’t make myself go down,” Wanda said, but she ruined the joke because, when she said it, she was crying hysterically, scared to dive down into deep pool water.
• Phil explained the Detour, one half of which involved searching through 1,500 Russian dolls, only 10 of which had “microscopic” clues inside the tiniest nested doll. I’m pretty sure this is the definition of “sadism.”
• “We’re professional car washers,” Jeremy said. Who knew they even had jobs?
• Wanda’s knowledge of other languages failed her in Moscow, as her daughter pointed out: “El trunk, Mom? He’s Russian, not Spanish.”
• “Look at this rotten mammy jammer,” Lake said. I assumed this was some sort of epithet, and a quick Google search confirmed that: It’s a racist euphemism for "motherfucker." Nice,Lake, you bastard.
• Eric and Jeremy landed on the mat first, and Phil said “However…” I thought he was going to say, “However, you morons were so busy pretending to flirt that you forgot to complete a task, so now you lose, and I must ceremoniously rip out your nipple rings.” But instead he said they were still racing and handed them their next clue. To be continued!

INTERNET SITE OF THE WEEK

http://www.whatsupyourkilt.com/ See what random things are up McNuggin's kilt.

SHARPENING AXES

This week's topic: body signs. Your date's gestures cansend you silent signals of desire—or communicate a complete lact of interest. Do you know how to read the message in these moves? Can you tell when someone is interested in you? Are you sure? Since no one likes to be rejected, it's a good idea to understand the subtle signs of attraction (or lack thereof) before you launch yourself into the line of fire. In this entries Sharpening Axes section I'll help you decode the top four body-language cues. Use this information to either proceed with your flirtation—or flee with ego intact. Before I get into the specifics, know this: For all of our technological advances and psychological insights, when it comes to the silent signs of sexual attraction, we are no different than beasts. For the past 500 million years, every member of the animal kingdom has utilized certain signals to communicate their interest in mating. These boil down to the message: "I am harmless; I won't bite." (Charles Darwin called these signs "submissive displays," because they make the subject seem more approachable.) Seeing any one of them may signify physical attraction. Seeing all four at once is compelling evidence that you are liked—and very possibly lusted after. Signal 1: Lifted Shoulders: One of the most easily detected signs of attraction is lifted shoulders. This motion indicates that a person has activated what biologists call the "cute response," a bashful, almost childlike behavior thatreveals a softer, more compliant side. This is an emotional, involuntary muscular response to someone you like, and it has a universally disarming effect. (It is also a natural response when you're oohing and ahhing over a puppy or cuddling with a baby.) In a dating scenario, this unconscious movement tells you that the person you're interested in wants to get a little closer—and that you shouldn't be shy. Sign 2: Pigeon Toes: Pigeon toes may not sound like the sexiest of gestures, but an inward rotation of the feet suggests definite interest. Anatomically referred to as "tibial torsion," this toes-turned-in posture occurs when someone feels both smitten and somewhat intimidated by you. By "shrinking" the body, the subject is creating a less threatening profile. Put simply, pigeon toes do for the body what the smile does for the face. Both actions say: "If you approach, I won't snub you." Worth noting: In direct contrast to pigeon toes is the more aggressive military posture. This toes-out, hands-behind-the-back posture is reminiscent of soldiers at ease, and its aloofness should tell you that it's probably best to keep your distance. Sign 3: The Palm Reveal: As you talk to your potential love interest, watch his or her hands. Specifically, take note of whether the palms are facing upward, while gesturing or resting on a table. The brain is programmed to perceive vulnerability and openness in this motion. In courtship, these gestures are psychologically friendlier than palm-down cues. (Indeed, think about the downward hand motions that President Bush uses when talking to the country about Iraq or that a grade-school teacher uses when trying to calm rowdy students. Not a maneuver that communicates warmth and connection.) Sign 4: The Forehead Bow: Your date has more than friendship in mind if he or she uses the forehead bow. Here's the tell-tale gesture: The person tips the head slightly forward and looks up at you from under the eyebrows. (Think of Lauren Bacall looking at Humphrey Bogartwith her famous come-hither look.) A fragment of the full-body bow, which is used in cultures around the world to show respect and deference, this head motion and those bedroom eyes can indicate that you may not be very far away from an actual bedroom. In direct contrast to this move is a posture of domination: A subtle tilting back of the head and casting of a downward gaze. That look should tell you where you stand—and that, in fact, you should go stand elsewhere because this individual is not a good prospect for love.

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

 

REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT

Okay, the first Republican or Democrat picture, the man was a Republican. Now, what about this lady? Is she Republican or Democrat?

 

DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

Do the horizontal lines looked curved? Does anybody care? I know, I know, this is the stupidest bit ever.

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

Here are more anagrams:

Albert Einstein: ten elite brains

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:  oh sweet DVD wins new fans' heart

Richard Milhouse Nixon: his climax ruined honor

Agatha Christie: rich hag is at tea

Oscar Wilde: I lace words & ladies crow

Christopher Reeve: Script: he ever hero

Humphrey Bogart: grumpy hero bath

I miss making up anagrams with my father. Anyway, lets do some movie buzz.

MOVIE BUZZ

Casino Royale: The Web's cluttered with behind-the-scenes vids (watch 'em here, here and here) that fight off bad buzz the old-fashioned way: gratuitous bikini shots and stuff blowin' up. Works for me.

Untitled Go-Go's biopic: Belinda Carlisle wants to do a Go-Go's movie with Jessica Alba. Not exactly modest, tapping one of the hottest people on the planet to play you on-screen. 

Dallas: The Movie: Never mind the fact that nobody under 40 remembers the TV show, the one-two sucker punch of John Travolta and J-Lo ought to be enough to make this a disaster of epic proportions.

Postponed Sequels: What do Sin City 2 and The Incredibles 2 have in common? They're both gonna take forever. The former because of Angelina Jolie's pregnancy, and the latter because Brad Bird's bailing out the troubled CGI rat comedy Ratatouille. Meanwhile, the Pink Panther sequel gets fast-tracked. What the hell kind of world are we living in?

Ghost Rider: Remember the guy in your high-school art class who wore the black trench coat and sat in the back row doodling skulls and the Judas Priest logo all over his desk? I'm pretty sure he's responsible for this production artwork.

Well, that's it for another week of the Phile. Don't forget, updates are done every Thursday. And remember, spread the word, not the turd.