Friday, February 10, 2006

Tonight Make Love To All Your Kind, Tomorrow's Pickin' Valentines.

If you were a pill I'd take a handful at my will and I'd knock you back with something sweet and strong. Plenty of times you wake up in February make-up, like a fool and the morning star you're gone. Tonight make love to all your kind, tomorrow's pickin' Valentines. Hi there, welcome to the Phile. Today I noticed something at work. I was looking at these paper hearts all over the walls by our Innoventions water cooler, and it hit me. A heart is just an upside down ass. it's true. Next time you see a drawing or a heart decoration look at it upside down. Well, next week is Valentine's Day, so I hope you have brought your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife husband, or whatever your love one would be a present. if not, use that money and buy a bunch of Foghat songs off iTunes. Someone said an average person, male or female spends a hundred dollars on a Valentines gift. My gift to my wonderful wife Jennie is that this weekend on Saturday we are going to see the Orlando Predators Arena football team play the Philadelphia Soul. The Soul is owned by Jon Bon Jovi, and Jen is hoping he'll be there. I'll let you know next entry how that went. Boy, it was cold today here in Orlando. It was so cold today even straight cowboys were snuggling. Last night was the Grammy Awards, did anybody see it? My favorite part was the montage of gunned down rap artists. Everybody was so dressed up, all those rock stars and stuff. I mean, 50 Cents, honest to God, looked like 75 Cents. I stopped watching after U2's performance, but we DVR'ed it. But I heard the show got really boring. So boring that half way through Britney Spears's four month old baby got up and drove himself home. This is crazy, did you hear about this? Britney Spears was driving down the Pacific Coast Highway in California and she has her 4 month year old kid sitting on her lap. Lucky little bastard, I bet he breasts feed as well. Anyway, the authorities are now investigating this. Meanwhile, a similar thing happened to Katie Holmes as a matter of fact. She was arrested for driving with Tom Cruise on her lap. Hey, did you hear what the Republican's said about New York Senator Hilary Clinton? They said she's to angry to be President. when Hilary heard this she replied, "Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, bastards." And now Hilary Clinton has a new diamond ring, did you see it? It's huge, oversized and reportedly flawed, just like her husband. The last time a democrat had a stone that big it was passed by Ted Kennedy. Well, I have lots to add to this entry and pretty sure it won't all make it in this week, but I'll give it a shot.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? A: Because they're to bitter.

Q: What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? A: One has hope in her soul.

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint? A: Blue paint.

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A: "So, do you all play for the same team?"

Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name.

There, I think I just cleared out a months worth of really bad jokes. Well, except for the paint one. That one makes me laugh.

 

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Despite the “huge shift in how this game is played,” as Jeff Probst called Survivor Panama’s new twist, the new rules really didn’t come into play during the first episode, which was Survivor as usual. The castaways were introduced to each other and Jeff on Exile Island, where they competed in their first reward challenge. Of the four tribes, the older men came in first, while the younger women lost. They had to leave someone behind on Exile Island, and made that important decision by playing rock-paper-scissors. Misty stayed behind, and when she rejoined her tribe for the immunity challenge, suggested she’d found the immunity idol. But it didn’t matter, as they won the immunity challenge, while the older women lost it. At tribal council, the older women admitted that the game was a lot more difficult than it seemed. Cirie told Jeff, “For the people at home that are like me on the couch: Stay on the couch.” Another woman said, “I completely agree.” The women then voted off Tina, the woman who was cast for Survivor Guatemala but dropped out after her only child, a 16-year-old son, was killed in a car accident. Her tribemates acknowledged that she’d done a lot of work and apparently viewed her as a threat. That sent Jeff into full-on lecture mode right away. Daddy Probst said, “Well, you’re only three days in to what all of you have agreed is already the toughest thing you’ve ever done, and yet you vote out the one person who could make your life a little easier. Be interesting to see how it plays out.” He did not add, “Morons.” And as for The Amazing Race: CBS will move The Amazing Race 9 from the timeslot the show has held since its sixth season. Instead of airing on Tuesdays at 9, the show will move one hour later to 10 p.m. ET, where it will face weaker competition. There won’t be any competition on FOX (since the network’s programming ends at 10), whereas it would have faced House and super-sized Idol episodes at 9. And at 10, NBC airs Law & Order: SVU while ABC airs Boston Legal. Thus, the move could help the ratings, assuming we don’t fall asleep by the time it airs. The move won’t happen immediately, though. The series returns February 28 with a two-hour episode, and the show shifts timeslots on March 7, its second week, when CBS will debut a new drama, The Unit (heh), at 9.

PALINDROMES

I think palindromes are so freakin' cool I came up with one more: Butt tub

ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH

Click on the link to see who is running for President in 2008. I'd vote for him if I could. http://www.walkenforpres.com/ 

Okay, now for a new segment called...

DIRTY PICTURES CLEANED UP

I scream, you scream, we all scream for...

 

I'VE COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

Here's the best anti-litter commercial ever from England. I'll never litter again, I promise. Click Here to see "Best Anti-Litter Ad Ever"

IT TAKES A VILLAGE IDIOT

It's generally a bad idea to say something can't or won't be done, especially in the realm of science and technology. The following are quotations from the past that haunt their speakers today: "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.  Of course there is, for the Peverett Phile, dumb ass. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

SHARPENING AXES

This segment is where I play detective. Today's case is the case of the Best Buy wall numbers. You ever noticed the big weird numbers on the wall at Best Buy? They're usually just to the right of the exit, by the registers. They're yellow. Of course they look like goofy price tags. And they're just up there on the wall, for everyone to see. Some stores have only one or two sets of numbers, while some have quite a few. And they look something like this:


Well, let me tell you — if you put numbers on a wall of your store, with no clear indication of what they mean, I will go insane and become obsessed with them. It's justhow it works! Seeking meaning, I started occasionally asking "so, uh, what are those numbers, anyway?" when I checked out. Usually, I got the shrug-and-sigh double-punch. But sometimes, I got an interesting answer. And, eventually, it came together, helped tremendously by a conveniently annotated store — as well as some serious Googling. Thus, I present to you, dear reader, a Best Buy Wall Number display — annotated! Let's start at the top! (Feel free to correct any of this if you actually work for Best Buy) Shrink Percent: Ahh, shrink. You probably call it "stealing". And this store is doing pretty good with handling it. The shrink percentage is, presumably, the percentage of Best Buy merchandise that is simply prancing right out the door. A shrink percentage of .50% is, apparently, bad news — so this store is doing pretty well. Shrink Payout: Keep shrink low, and the shrink payout increases! Well, I have no idea how this shrink payout ($469) is distributed to employees (anyone know?), but I'd wager it winds up being a few extra dollars in your paycheck every now and then.
PRP Dollars: That's right: the dreaded product replacement plan, also known as the extended warranty nobody ever buys. Or do they? On this day, they've made a pretty impressive $77 (of almost-all-profit) on product replacement plans. Wow.
PRP Percent: That means that people bought the product replacement plan 2.22% of the time. Apparently, this isn't so good — the other store (pictured above) was rockin' a mighty 10.50% on the PRP. Wow again. EWSI: I like this one. Extended Windows Sales Initiative? Enhanced Wireless Secure Internet? Nope, it's better — Entertainment Weekly / Sports Illustrated! That's right, good old magazine subscriptions! You know how Best Buy always asks you if you want a subscription when you check out? Well, on this day, the pitched worked seven times. As hard as it is to comprehend that the alleged $12 dollars Best Buy makes from each subscription is worth the semi-uncomfortable sales pitch, I don't have to answer to any shareholders... Apps: Simple. Best Buy credit card applications. Looks like three have been filled out and turned in so far. MC Percent: Master Card. Yes, every Best Buy card application includes surprise bonus offer for, uh,a Master Card. Yeah, it's two card applications in one, and this store has successfully up-sold the card 100% of the three times. AS Percent: Account Shield is another Best Buy card up-sell option. Apparently a unemployment-protection feature that might generate $65 profit for Best Buy, it seems, at least in this store, people took it. So that's it! The great, one-person-cared mystery has been solved. The next time you're at Best Buy, keep an eye out for these numbers — perhaps useless, perhaps interesting, but always telling, I hope they give you insight into your store, your neighborhood, or even America itself. Although probably not.

FOGHAT NEWS

All I have this week is a clip from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Also, on February 7th was the 6 year anniversary death of my father, Lonesome Dave Peverett, lead singer and founder of Foghat. Carl's Drummer

FAKE OR FOTO

The screw was real. LOL. The photo in the last entry of the screw was foto. Are you ready for the next one? Here we go. Is it fake...or foto?

 

IF CARTOONS WERE REAL PEOPLE

At least the kid ain't pissing on anything. I never understood those Calvin stickers red necks have on their trucks.

Okay, the Phile's most popular feature. It's movie buzz time.

MOVIE BUZZ

Sin City 2: The rumored subtitle: A Dame Worth Killing For. Who might play the dame: Angelina Jolie. Of course, Rosario Dawson, Brittany Murphy and Jessica Alba are worth killing for, too. Maybe the subtitle should be plural. Or maybe it should be Sin City 2: Pillow Fight! Yeah, that's better.

Super Bowl: Look, I weigh 193 pounds, and I can bench approximately half that. You think I care about football? There's only one reason I watched the game: movie previews. New looks at Click, V for Vendetta, Running Scared, Pirates 2, Cars, 16 Blocks, The Benchwarmers, Mission: Impossible III, Poseidon and The Shaggy Dog premiered during breaks from the testosterone-fest.

Spider-Man 3: Look right to see Bryce Dallas Howard with her Gwen Stacy hair. Peter Parker's choice is simple now: ditch Mary Jane.

The Dark Crystal 2: Being a card-carrying member of Generation X requires me to report on the sequel to a movie that everyone my age claims to love. Sure, I dug those freaky-looking puppets when I was in second grade, but I also thought moon boots were cool.

Fantastic 4 2: Whether or not Von Doom returns, the foursome will take on Silver Surfer and Galactus in thesequel. I wish this sequel were taking on a new director.

Grindhouse: Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez have started shooting their split slasher/zombie movie. I'm guessing Rodriguez will get the first half — otherwise it's like the Rolling Stones opening for RATT.

Well, that's about it. I think you have enough trailers to look at (see above) as the trailer of the week to last you. I will leave you with a random picture as always. have a happy Valentine's day, hope you get lucky, and I will be posting another entry next week. Until then, 'nuff said.

Click for a random picture!

 

 

ONE LAST THING

I mentioned in the last entry my friend Jeff's blog, right? Check it out if you haven't already. Well, guess who else has a blog? Chewbacca! I don't make this shit up, folks. Check out the link to see Chewie's blog. And you better not say it's better then the Phile. http://rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh.blogspot.com/

 

10 comments:

dack48 said...

Hey Jason,
The PI Payout happens once every year or year and a half, depending on when they get off their lazy butts and do inventory. Its a lump sum, and is dependant on if you worked the whole period. If you worked a fraction between when the last payment was and then, you only get a fraction of it; otherwise, you get the whole amount. Yes, it is taxed. Damn the man! The rest of your answers were spot on, including that Best Buy gets $12 per magazine subscription. There is a HUGE pressure on the entire front end about it, so if you do say no, make sure to deliver a compliment to the supervisor/senior that they are doing a good job at their work. Otherwise the cashier just gets yelled at for not selling it.

Also, that picture was hilarious. Was it a Brazilian tourist? :)

Double also, it is not cold in Florida; in Rochester we have ice in the INSIDE of our cars! I win.

Rock on,
Jonathan in Rochester, NY

trel67 said...

First off, Walken for president? HELL YEAH.  THat dude is whack.  Crack is whack!  What do they have in common?  They're both whack!  Nuff said.  
Secondly, I really wish I spoke Wookie cause I want to know what the hell Macho Man Randy Savage is doing on Chewie's page.  

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