Thursday, April 6, 2006

Expedition Peverett

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, or I like to call Expedition Peverett. Tomorrow Disney's new ride Expedtion Everest opens at the Animal Kingdom. It's a roller-coaster ride featuring the Yeti. A roller-coaster ride with a big scary monster? Are you sure this ride isn't based on my wife's life? Me being the monster and...never mind. You get it. The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. ... Homeland Security? We need home room security. ... This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration...today. This is why Republicans can't have sex scandals. They're just too creepy. The Democrats, they've got hookers, mistresses, interns, not girl scouts. A new book about Laura Bush claims Laura was reported being very critical of how Hillary Clinton decorated the White House. But, Bill Clinton didn't care what the furniture looked like. You gave him a desk and a chair and he was happy. Well, I am sad today. Katie Couric is leaving the 'Today' show. She said she listened to her heart and her gut. Meanwhile, Mike Wallace says he decided to leave '60 Minutes' after listening to his goiter and prostate. A typical morning at the "Today Show". Matt Lauer talking about news, Al Roker giving weather and Katie Couric packing her stuff. Last Saturday was April Fool's Day, and President Bush ... had a great April Fool's joke planned. He put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, did you hear this? Pop star Britney Spears is rumored to be having another baby. This could be the first time in history that the baby drives itself home from the hospital. So, who is excited about the Gators winning? Go Gators! Florida got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush. UCLA shot so badly they got a phone call from Dick Cheney. The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online. In thw world of movies, Basic Instinct 2 made only $3 million over the weekend and came in at 10th place at the box office. I guess everyone's basic instinct is to not see it. Yesterday, at 1:02:03am the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06. This won't ever happen again. You may now return to the Phile.

SKIT HAPPENS

Over the years I have been known my friends, family and co-workers to be a skitter (prankster). So, I thought I would tell some of my favorite skits here on the Phile.

Cereal Box Switch
Remove the plastic bags from cereal boxes and switch them around. Your victim will scratch his head wondering why Cheerios came out of a box of Lucky Charms. 

Mail Box Prank
After the mail has already been delivered, fill the mail box with ping pong balls or packing nuts. Then ask someone else to go get the mail.

Lottery Ticket Swap
This one takes some pre-planning. All you have to do is buy someone a lotto ticket today and tomorrow go out early and buy another ticket with the exact same numbers as the winning ticket from yesterday. When the victim of your prank isn't paying attention swap the newer ticket with the old one. When the person looks in the paper for the winning numbers, he or she won't even realize the date is wrong on the ticket and will believe it is the big winner.

Bend Over Splits
Place a dollar bill on the floor and as people walk by and try to pick the dollar up, you stand nearby and tear a small piece of cloth. It will sound as if the victim of the prank actually split their pants and most of the time they will check their rear and leave in embarrasement.

Push or Pull
Print out some signs that read, "Push" and "Pull" and tape them to doors at your local stores. Make sure to place them on the wrong side. Then sit back and watch as people push when they are instructed to pull and vise versa

Shoe Polish Phone Prank
Coat the reciever of someone's phone with shoe polish and then give them a call. Instant gratification. Make sure you match the colors of the polish and the phone. Small amounts of shaving cream work too.

Upside Down Cup
Fill a cup with water about half way. Then place an index card over the cup. Then turn the cup upside down on your co-worker's desk. Finally, carefully slide the index card out from underneath the cup. Whenever your co-worker decides to pick the cup up, he will be drenched in water.

Bar Of Soap Lather Prank
Take some nail polish and coat a bar of soap with it. Let it dry. Then put it in the bathroom shower. When your victim tries to use it, he or she will go nuts trying to get it to lather up.

Ypto Ypto...errr!!! TYPO!
Be carefull with this one, as to not ruin the keyboard. All you have to do is simply and very carefully remove a few keys and switch them around. If your victim is one of those "look up and down" typers. He or she will be very confused while trying to get work done.

Okay, speaking of skits, with this entry I will start a new bit called...

INTERNET SKITS

It must be true. I read it on the internet." Au contraire, mon frere. Internet hoaxes have been around for as long as the internet itself, and we never run out of people willing to fall for them.  Neiman Marcus cookie recipe: This was an e-mail circulated in the early '90s claiming that a woman ended up having to pay $250 for a sweet Neiman Marcus treasure. She decided to take revenge by circulating the cookie recipe across the internet. It's posted on the Neiman Marcus website now. The recipe is really good. As far as I know, anyhow. I'm sure as hell not planning on making them. Takes up valuable beer room in the tummy.


DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Ratings for the broadcast of Doctor Who's fourth new episode, Aliens of London on Sci-Fi, its first US transmission, on March 31 are in. The episode had a 1.20 household rating with an average viewing audience of 1.5 million viewers, a slight drop from the previous week of 1.55 recorded for "The Unquiet Dead". The latest episode was down across the board; the show has experienceda total loss of 21% of household viewers and 16% in audience average since the first episode's transmission, although this was expected because of the curiosity from the episode's first broadcast. Meanwhile, for the rebroadcast of "The Unquiet Dead" immediately prior, 0.65 million viewers tuned in.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

I've been mad at myself for not reviewing 'The Amazing Race' here on the Phile, so let me catch up with that. Teams traveled from Moscow to Germany, and that’s when the product placement began. Danielle and Dani were eliminated. That, I suspect, made half of Eric and Jeremy upset and the other half very, very happy. They’ll probably begin the next leg of the race in a deep depression. Eric and Jeremy’s relentless boasting about banging Danielle and Dani at the pit stops. But according to Danielle and Dani, basically nothing happened between them. They didn’t even kiss. Instead, the D girls say that they used Eric and Jeremy’s horniness to their advantage. The two are still “rooting for the frat boys,” Dani tells TV Guide, because “they’re hard players and are really smart.” But that doesn’t change the fact that the frat boys also exaggerated their relationship on camera. Last night's episode was rather boring. Besides being completely free of Eric and Jeremy homoeroticism and horniness, watching their team and BJ and Tyler place first and second every week is getting old and increasingly irritating. There’s just no competition. If CBS keeps airing episodes like this, the time slot changes will do nothing for the ratings, alas. In any case, here’s my best effort to squeeze some juice out of this dry episode:

  • “…definitely dumb, but people who are very dumb wind up having the best luck, a lot of the time. But eventually, dumb luck runs out,” BJ said. He was not, however, talking about himself, but about Eric and Jeremy.
  • In one of those amazing moments where differences collapse, a stranger gave Monica and Joseph a map, and Joseph said, “I cannot believe these countries. I mean, here it is, five in the morning, and you stop somebody in the middle of nowhere. In the US, there is no way in hell I’d stop. I’d think I was about to get murdered.”
  • “I really want to sleep about an hour or two,” Lake said. “Well, get over it,” Michelle said, and then made a sarcastic remark about how well he was doing that. Michelle is no Victoria; she fights back.
  • In one of their less-irritating moments, BJ and Tyler made a fake sign-in sheet for a task that opened the next morning. As Eric and Jeremy puzzled over it and started to sign their names, either BJ or Tyler mocked the frat guys. Inside their car, they adopted the frat guys’ personas and said, “‘Do you think these guys just made the list?’ ‘No way, man, it says official.’”
  • Phil says “amphitheater” like “am-pee-theatre.” Perhaps that’s the correct pronunciation, but it cracks me up.
  • Lake earns the “Dumbest Comment of the Season” award. Michelle said, “I don’t even see a street sign. What am I supposed to recognize?” As if he was indicating a sign that would point them in the right direction, Lake said, “What is that thing right there?” Michelle told him that it was not a sign but “a school bus.” Lake said, “Damn.”
  • Yolanda offered her strategy for good driving: “See, when I drive, I operate on the premise you do what you do, they do what they do, everybody will be okay; nobody wants to get hurt. So you can just drive as fast as you want.” Ray’s didn’t adopt her strategy, saying, “Pbblh. Yeah.”
  • Adopting stupid Italian accents, Eric and Jeremy screamed “hey!”while BJ and Tyler yelled “buongiorno! buongiorno!” and “hey! pizza pie!” to people on the streets of Sicily, none of whom, regrettably, pulled out a gun and shot them and then buried them in cement.
  • Here’s Eric and Jeremy’s idea of friendship. After agreeing to go with BJ and Tyler to their next destination, they took off. “Just go. Screw ‘em.”
  • “Is this the best way for me to carry it?” Monica said of her huge fish, holding it with her arms outstretched. “Yeah,” Joseph said, carrying his fish the same stupid way. Within minutes, Monica was crying and in pain because the fish was so heavy.
  • “I’m glad that you’re being unilateral in the decision making,” Lori said, marking the first time anyone has said “unilateral” on the race.
  • With Monica freaking out, Joseph got upset, saying, “Come on, just tough it out for a minute. I’m gonna stab one of these locals through the head.” Well, there goes his international collegiality.
  • Joseph read the clue but didn’t seem to care. “Drive yourselves to the town of Infrona-whatever,” he said. “Siracusa,” Monica replied. And Joseph said, “Whatever.”
  • Barry’s back needs to be introduced to a razor or some Nads.
  • “41. Is that correct?” Lake told a guy at a challenge. The guy said, “Correct.” And Lake celebrated: “Yes!” Then he realized that the guy had nothing to do with the race and was just screwing with him. Locals rule.
  • Carrying her fish, Michelle said, “I have a three-year-oldchild who weighs 40 pounds. Surely I can carry a 35 pound swordfish.” Her child doesn’t have a huge sword, though, that she can use to stab her husband, which she almost did.
  • “Oh, kiss me, darlin’! Boy, did we ever get lucky on that!” Lake said after Michelle spotted a sign. “No, I’m just very smart,” Michelle replied.
  • “Hurry up, Jeremy! Go score, you pansy,” Eric said, probably not realizing that such comments would be aired at the same time the world would be looking at them in a different way.
  • Phil’s ability to communicate nonverbally via his face had some competition from the local greeter standing next to him. Phil told Eric and Jeremy, “you guys stink,” and Jeremy said, “it’s a new cologne we’re trying out. It’s called Sword.” Right then, the greeter closed his eyes slowly and shook his head slightly as if to say, “Somebody please plunge a screwdriver into my temple.”
  • Checking in last were Dave and Lori, the nerds. They’re very cute and still totally in love. Lori said, “Dave is the man of my dreams. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life.” And just before saying “nerds rule,” Dave concurred, “I love Lori with all my heart, and you can’t buy that with a million dollars, you really can’t.” Sounds like the words of a man who just lost $1 million.

DISNEY'S AMERICA

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- A man in the Walt Disney World College Program has been arrested for possessing child porn. Thursday, police said, Theodore Wenden left his computer running with a child porn graphic on the screen at his Orange County home on Buena Vista Drive. Wenden's roommates called authorities and they arrested him. Wenden was interviewed and confessed. Seventy-two child porn images were found on his computer. I left my computer on with the Phile up, and I thought I was gonna get fired.

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

Which one is sitting?

74

FIND DAVE CHAPPELLE

BROKEN

Sushi

50% off sushi every day? I'm not sure I want to eat there any day.

STRANGE LEGO CREATIONS

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What's the worst thing about being an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasms.

Q: Are condoms tax deductible? A: Only if they don't work.

MOVIE BUZZ

Wonder Woman:  A fan site posted a story claiming that Kate Beckinsale had been cast as Wonder Woman. Apparently nobody noticed the April 1 date on the piece, and it's being picked up everywhere. Uh, it was a joke, people. Irony: Kate dressed up as Wonder Woman on Halloween.

Spider-Man 3: Answer: Mary Jane. At least according to the first probably-completely-made-up-by-a-fanboy synopsis. Don't feel sorry for Peter, though. He's got a much hotter babe lined up to help him grieve: Kate Beckinsale. Kidding!

United 93 Vs. World Trade Center: Audiences hate the trailer for United 93 so much that it was pulled from an NYC theater. But Universal's standing behind it. Will people be any more ready for Oliver Stone's WTC in August? Doubt it — they're still recovering from Alexander.

Charlotte's Web: You know who scares the holy living bejeebers out of me? Dakota Fanning. Nothing against her or anything, but I'm pretty sure that kid is the spawn of the devil. Need proof? Look at this picture. It screams, "Hee! Hee! Hee! I'm going to eat your soul!" That said, this trailer is pretty cute.

Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties: I'd rather eat a box of kitty litter than watch this trailer again.

Dallas:The Movie: The director quit when they cast Jessica Simpson. A little late. I would have bailed after I read "Dallas: The Movie" on page one.

Baywatch: The Dallas guy doesn't dig her, but the director of Baywatch has no problem replacing Pamela Anderson with Jessica. One man's trash is another man's treasure …

A now for the teaser of the week: The Simpson's Movie. Yeah, for real, people!

Well, I think that's just about wraps it up for another edition of the Phile. Don't forget to check out the Peverett Phile's webshots page at  http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs. I posted a bunch of pictures from our trip to Sea World last week. I will leave you with a random picture as usual. And remember, spread the word, not the turd.

Click for a random picture!

1 comment:

trel67 said...

I may be wrong, but the Homeland Security person was arrested for trying to seduce a 14 year old..... boy.  Making it even creepier.  I will look into that.  And I found Samuel L. Jackson  :)  He's drinking beer!

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