Friday, January 30, 2009

Celibate Yourself


Hello, welcome to the 200th entry of the Phile, the web's most updated blog. Logan and I just completed a long, long game of Bukugan. Have you ever played that? Man, it's addicting. It kicks ass over marbles though. There has been 130 million tons of garbage hauled out from the inauguration. And that’s not including the previous administration. They still haven’t revealed the contents of that note Bush left for Barack Obama, but I have it: “deer Brak, I took Clinton’s porn.” In Scotland, they celebrated Robert Burns night. He was a poet. They celebrate it by drinking too much and eating haggis, which is like a Hot Pocket stuffed with sheep guts. The embattled and Herbal Essence-infused governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, held another press conference  the other day. He’s the guy they caught on tape allegedly trying to barter for Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. I’m no lawyer, but when they get you on tape doing what you say you didn’t do, you’re probably guilty. Meanwhile, in New York, Gov. David Paterson named a replacement for Hillary Clinton, and he did it for free — not too bright. Here’s an interesting story: Broadway producers are putting together a musical based on Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” It’s an unbelievable story about an innocent young boy who turns into an undead freak. I don’t know what the musical is about... PETA is angry at NBC for refusing to air a commercial for them during the Super Bowl. NBC said the commercial was too suggestive. It showed women getting sexy with vegetables. If I want to see women getting sexy with vegetables, I’ll look through the window at Hugh Hefner’s house. A new study says that whether or not you’re shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago — if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you’re not shy. The economy’s getting worse. Home Depot announced that they’re laying off 7,000 employees... which is interesting because I’ve been to Home Depot, and I didn’t even know they had employees. A pair of shoes worn by Sarah Palin sold for $2,000 in an online auction. Apparently, the shoes have magical powers. They allow the wearer to step into situations they are totally unqualified for. I wouldn't buy her shoes, but her underwear is a different story... Mickey Rourke plays a wrestler in a new movie. Now he’s becoming a real-life wrestler. I wonder if he will be wearing a pair of special shoes he bought in an online auction... He’s going to be in WrestleMania 25. I want to watch, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to follow it. I didn’t see WrestleMania 1-24. And phinally, Elisabeth Hasselbeck from “The View,” announced that she’s pregnant. She’ll have to deal with the crying, diaper changes, drooling, and when she’s done with Barbara Walters, then she’ll have to look after the baby.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Things Overheard At Barack Obama's Inauguration 
10. "Is that a hat or a Christmas present on Aretha's head?"
9. "I think Yo-Yo Ma is cello-syncing"
8. "Yes, Mr. Cheney, you can take the heart paddles with you"
7. "Senator Clinton, please remove your hand from the oath Bible"
6. "How much for the seat up front, Governor Blagojevich?"
5. "Didn't John McCain wear that same suit at Washington's inauguration?"
4. "I wonder if Sarah Palin can see this from her house?"
3. "Hey you 1.8 million people! Get off my lawn!"
2. "Is this the line for Paul Blart: Mall Cop?"
And the number one thing overheard at Obama's inauguration...
1. "I love that 'New President' smell"


John Updike: Rabbit make space.


Oliver Cromwell beheads the British monarch King Charles I, at Whitehall.
Andrew Jackson is the subject of the first recorded assassination attempt on a U.S. president. After a man fires shots at him, Jackson beat the shit out of his would-be assassin.
The largest maritime disaster in history leaves 7700 dead after a Soviet submarine torpedoes the Nazi ship Wilhelm Gustoff.
Mohandas K. Gandhi assassinated by Hindu extremist Nathuram Godse.
Two of the Flying Wallendas die when their human pyramid of seven people collapses in Detroit.
North Vietnam launches the Tet Offensive, in which they suffer a defeat and 46,000 dead, but shocks the complacent American television viewer who had been led to believe the war was won.
British troops kill 13 unarmed marchers in Londonderry, Northern Ireland. This incident becomes known as "Bloody Sunday" and marks the beginning of a new extended round of violence.
G. Gordon Liddy found guilty of Watergate charges.
George HW Bush becomes directory of the Central Intelligence Agency, a position which he holds until 1977. Perhaps he knows who killed Kennedy.
The Phile celebrates 200 entries.


In 1989, Bernie Wint went out into the breakers off of Daytona Beach, Fla. His then-fiancee reported seeing him disappear into the waves, setting off a police search. "We spent a bunch of time looking for him," said a police captain. "We used helicopters, boats and boatloads of lifeguards." Eventually, it was assumed that Wint had drowned. Recently, a routine traffic stop brought Wint back from the grave. The cop who stopped Wint in Weaverville, N.C., discovered his identity after he was unable to find any information about the man's alias, James Sweet. Wint told police that he faked his death two decades ago because he was paranoid about getting busted for drug activities. When Wint "died," he left behind his fiancee and a daughter from a previous marriage. He now has a common-law wife and another child, and makes his living selling NASCAR memorabilia. Only time will tell if Wint experiences a customer backlash that will force him to hang up his Jeff Gordon beer coozies and start slinging dime bags again. 

I interrupt this blog for...


Paris Hilton claims her stupidity is just an act. Ashton Kutcher apologized to the noisy neighbor he called a "dickweed".  Robert Rodriguez is attached to a Predator reboot. The "Arrested Development" movie might actually be happening. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is pregnant again. Naomi Watts says she's in no rush to get married. Rebecca Romijn dropped her pregnancy weight. No, not Jerry O'Connell. Patrick Swayze's reps confirmed that he is still undergoing cancer treatments. 


So, this is the 200th entry of the Phile, right? Well, I Googled the number 200 and this is what I found. A common ISO-standard film speed for photographic films. However, 200 speed film is being phased out in consumer films in favor of faster films. A denomination of the euro note. The 200 euro note was designed by Robert Kalina. The size of one side of the main square in Krak√≥w, Poland (200 m×200 m). 200 MeV is the temperature of quark-gluon plasma phase transition. The name of a car made by the Rover Group — the Rover 200. An HTTP status code indicating a successful connection. The sum of dollars given in the classical Monopoly game to a player passing Go. A cholesterol level of 200 and below is considered "Desirable level corresponding to lower risk for heart disease" "200" is the title of an episode of the television show "Stargate SG-1". The number of NASCAR races won by Richard Petty. A Year.


Q: Why did God give women orgasms? A: So they would have something else to moan about.


Freema Agyeman will be taking one more trip in the TARDIS. Her Martha Jones character has been scheduled to appear in one of the forthcoming "Doctor Who" specials. Keep in mind that the source of this news is The Sun, so it should be taken with a grain of salt until there is an official BBC announcement. My guess is they'll be wrapping up the character, who was supposed to be a regular cast member of "Torchwood", but suddenly wasn't due to the fact that Freema moved on to other projects such as the remake of "Survivors". I'm sure the fact that "Torchwood" season three was changed to a five episode story-arc rather than a full season didn't help. Russell T. Davies will have to explain story-wise why Martha ended up somewhere else. In other "Doctor Who" news: the New York Comic Con guests will include Colin Baker (the sixth Doctor). Also, there will be a "Torchwood" panel with Eve Myles.and episode director Euros Lyn. Unfortunately they'll be no "Doctor Who" or "Torchwood" panel at this year's Megacon in Orlando.


Rumors of The Green Hornet's demise were greatly exagerrated. Seth Rogen sent an e-mail to HitFix, upset that Drew McWeeny had not contacted him on the film's status. "The Green Hornet has many people working for it, including production designers, costume designers and many conceptual artists, office staff, etc. [The studio heads] have every intention on making it, and assuming we're able to hire a new director in the upcoming weeks, which seems like a distinct possibility, it should still hit the release date." Stephen Chow is still in to play Kato, and the LA Times' Hero Complex reports that Adam Sandler may have a cameo in the film as "a certain surprise superhero." Any guesses as to who that is? According to its official MySpace, the long delayed Fanboys finally has a limited platform release on February 6: New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Philadelphia, San Fransisco, Seattle, Houston, and Austin. Check your local listings if you live in these cities. (Two guesses where Austin's is!) The final Watchmen poster has debuted over at Yahoo! Movies. It's kind of ... bland and overly-Photoshopped. We've had such cool character one-sheets that you would expect them to come together a bit more, particularly when they can mimic 1970s newscasts so well. If the poster has you worried about those black pants on Dr. Manhattan (which he did wear in the book occasionally) Zack Snyder assured the world that when they sit down on March 6th, you will see all of the Big Blue. Zack Snyder told MTV's Splash Page: "It's an R rated movie, right? What you see in the trailer has to be a little bit squished around so it can get on TV. I think in the final film you'll see it's true to the graphic novel. He's naked." Dan Mazeau is reportedly writing a script for The Flash, although no one involved with the property would confirm it. Considering the DC-Warner Bros record so far, we shouldn't hold our breath. Also, Christopher Nolan, Jonathan Nolan and David Goyer have apparently begun their work on the script for the next Batman movie, according to a source over at IESB. No other details are available. Don't hold your breath for Hellboy 3 -- Guillermo del Toro says there aren't any solid plans for a third film. "We're three, four years away from anything happening-so I don't think anyone is, you know, in a big hurry." Except the fans, of course. Maybe del Toro will hand the reins over to someone else while he's in Middle Earth? Or maybe the energetic director can film it while on his Hobbit lunch break! 
And speaking of setbacks, Emily Blunt may not be Black Widow after all, thanks to her joining the cast of Guilliver's Travels. Blunt's representatives are trying to work out the schedule conflict, but Fox holds an option on her and may exercise it in order to make sure she's in Travels. Come on, Marvel and Fox -- work it out! 

There you go, phans, another entry of the Phile. The Phile will be back tomorrow with the interview with musician Id Guinness and then on Sunday with director Ari Gold. Also, you can contact me now with questions, complaints, or just random "you are great" notes by e-mailing me at Starting next week the Phile will be updated on Friday and Saturday and Sunday will have one interview each. So, keep reading, and spread the word, not the turd.

No comments: