Thursday, January 8, 2009

Kickin' Ass & Takin' Naps For Three Years


Hi there, welcome to the most updated blog on the internet! Today is the 3rd anniversary I have been doing this blog. It doesn't seem that long I know, but it has been. The Phile came a long way from being written on a shitty Windows computer to a very cool iMac, from AOL Journals now to Blogspot at Google. When I started I didn't have a focus, I just wanted to be funny. Now though I have a focus with the weekly entries and the Peverett Phile Interviews that is really taken off. People and bands are starting to come to me now which is cool. And that's not all, kids. My friend Ron is working on a kick ass Peverett Phile logo and I hope to be selling merch at Cafepress real soon. So, the Phile is gonna get better and better, bigger and bigger. Thanks all for still reading, and making the phan base wider. So, Sunday at Disney World it's marathon time, or I like to call the Bloody Nipple Festival. I would run the marathon but I got exhausted after doing two minutes of Wii Fit. Sarah Palin became a grandmother. She’s helping with all the diaper changes . . . it’s like she’s back campaigning with John McCain. The New Year is very tough on John McCain. He’s still writing 1908 on his checks. Barack Obama’s kids started school in a very exclusive private school in Washington, D.C. Someone got a hold of the school’s lunch menu . . . for one day, there’s “local pumpkin and sage soup” and “roasted butternut squash.” While that may seem like a bit much for 7- and 8-year-old kids, I was looking over their wine list, and it was very reasonably priced. What would you recommend with Funyions? A Chablis? Very bad news today: The porn industry is asking for a $5 billion bailout. Gives a whole new meaning to “give it to me!” They say things are so bad, some porn stars are being forced to deliver actual pizzas. This whole porn collapse would never have happened under Clinton. It was a historic day when all four of our living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. President Bush was especially excited. He said, “Hey — you’re the guys from the paintings in my office!” There was an awkward moment when Carter asked Obama to bring him more bread. Another time, Bill Clinton said to Bush, “I love this rug.” Note to Obama — you might want to get it dry cleaned. For some reason they served Obama RC-Cola, fried chicken and watermelon for dessert. 


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Ways I Am Celebrating the Peverett Phile's Third Anniversary 
10. Same as every night: guzzle cooking sherry and watch football. Go Gators!
9. March into Bloomingdale's and announce, "The toupees are on me!"
8. Dinner and dancing with Sarah Palin.  
7. Put party hats on my son Logan.
6. Macarena! Macarena! Macarena!
5. Spend entire day alone in bedroom "chilling out" to Pink Floyd. 
4. Plant a tree for each and every beautiful phan member who has ever graced this fine blog. 
3. Just for the hell of it, order another bombing raid on Iraq. 
2. Have a giant "3" tattooed on my ass. 
And the number way I am celebrating the Phile's third anniversary...
1. Smokin', drinkin', scorin'.


Dr. Richard Sharpe, the cross-dressing Gloucester dermatologist serving life in prison for killing his estranged wife, was found dead Monday night in his cell at the state prison in Norfolk, according to a spokeswoman for the Department of Correction. Sharpe was discovered hanging by a bed sheet by his cellmate at 7:26 p.m., said spokeswoman Diane Wiffin. "An emergency medical response was initiated," Wiffin said. "He was transported to Norwood Hospital, where he was pronounced dead at 8:11 p.m." The department's emergency response procedures were followed, Wiffin said. State Police attached to the Norfolk district attorney's office are investigating Sharpe's death as a matter of protocol, according to spokesman David Traub. The state medical examiner is expected to perform an autopsy today to determine a cause and manner of death. More information is expected to be released today, Traub said in a statement. Sharpe was sentenced in 2001 to life in prison without the possibility of parole for the murder of his estranged wife, Karen, to keep her away from his $5 million in assets. The case drew national media attention when photographs of Sharpe wearing slinky dresses and fishnet stockings were widely published after his arrest. Sharpe was later accused of hiring a hitman from behind bars to kill Robert Weiner, the former Essex first assistant district attorney who sent him to prison. A Norfolk Superior Court jury acquitted Sharpe of those charges in 2007.


Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, dead in San Francisco. Born Joshua A. Norton, he was adopted by the citizens of the city and issued frequent imperial proclamations.
Elvis born, Tupelo Mississippi.
Ed Kemper, Santa Cruz, California's own serial killer, shoots a hitchhiking co-ed. Her body is hidden at the home of Ed's mother to be molested and dismembered the next day.
Guitarist Steve Clark from Def Leppard found dead from a drug and alcohol overdose. He was 31.
George Bush, sick with the stomach flu, decides not to excuse himself at a Tokyo state dinner. He vomits in the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister while cameras are rolling, to the great amusement of everyone except the Prime Minister.
Unabomber suspect Ted Kaczynski attempts to hang himself in his jail cell with his underwear. Let's hope for his mother's sake that the underwear he chose was clean.
I start the Peverett Phile.
My son Logan got his yellow belt at his karate class test. That's his third one you're counting.


Celebrity Wikipedia Entries They Clearly Wrote Themselves
What's great, and terrible, about Wikipedia is that anyone can edit it. Anyone--including the person the Wikipedia entry is about. This becomes obvious when looking at the pages of certain washed-up celebrities, and the results are equal parts hilarious and sad.
Corey Feldman
If you remember the 80s, you remember this guy: He burst onto the scene as the smart-ass kid in The Goonies, and turned up in seemingly a dozen movies a year as a teenager, often alongside the less awesome Corey (Haim). Then, wouldn't you know it, one day he found himself a wee bit older and three busloads less cute. It seemed like the glory days were over for our hero. And they most certainly were. But when perusing his Wikipedia article, I found a strangely detailed account of Corey's adventures in the last decade or so, and very little about the stuff he did as a child, when he was, you know, famous and crap. It's almost as if the author desperately needs us to know that Feldman has indeed accomplished something with his adult life (hint: he hasn't). Perhaps the best thing about Corey Feldman's Wikipedia article is that contained within its murky bowels is an almost supernaturally shameless plug for his latest (and most ambitious!) crappy album. "In November of 2008 he released his most ambitious musical project to date, a new album with his band Truth Movement entitled "Technology Analogy". This high concept album has been met with tremendous reviews, and features an all-star line up, including Jon Carin (Pink Floyd), Mark Karan (Rat Dog, Grateful Dead) Scotty Page (Pink Floyd), and artwork by the legendary artist Storm Thorgerson. To order his album check out his website at".
Paul Stanley
When you think musician, along with adjectives such as "tasteful," "subtle" and "talented," what comes to mind? Whatever it is, picture the absolute opposite. Paul Stanley's face should emerge. Now, just in case the makeup didn't give it away, Paul Stanley was the lead singer of Kiss. And if you thought he was just some dude in spandex with a star on his face you'd be wrong, because according to Wikipedia: "Stanley's persona is that of a Don Juan-esque lover, combining effeminate elements with elements of extreme masculinity, rather than mere androgyny. Although Stanley's voice is generally very soft and eloquent during normal conversation, he uses a specific "stage voice" which is like a "Rock N' Roll Preacher from Queens". So, that star is totally more than just a star, man. It's a star that represents a glorious entity that is half woman, half man and complete sexiness. The article leads us to believe that Paul Stanley, wouldn't you know it, is surprisingly introspective, omni-talented and deeper than the Mariana Trench. You are now thinking about sex. And then we delve just a wee bit deeper, and get to this: "Unlike most leading rock frontmen, he gets the crowd to join the band in many of their classic hits and also tends to give a speech or "scripted" story for certain songs (e.g. having sexual encounters with nurses and other women he's met on tour and how much he supports U.S. troops overseas)." And this: "Paul Stanley is often credited as being the most identifiable member of Kiss by people outside the fan community." It's hard to choose a favorite between these two nonchalant gems. On the one hand, the first quote describes to us Stanley's superiority to other frontmen, mostly because of that charming way he likes to brag about having sex with nurses (not even Mick Jagger would do that). On the other hand, the latter quote casually lets us know what we've all long suspected: Paul Stanley truly is the most identifiable member of Kiss. But that little tidbit has since been edited out (probably by Vinnie Vincent).
William Shatner
A quick warning: Should you ever consider typing the words "William" and "Shatner" into Wikipedia, the resulting article is gargantuan, and you may not be able to find your way back to the surface. This man has seen it all, and done it all, so many times that he has long ago lost count. After all, he's Captain Kirk. But that's old news. Skip down past all that geeky Star Trek stuff and sooner or later you'll be getting to the real goods: "Shatner has been married four times: to Gloria Rand from 1956 to 1969. His second marriage--his longest marriage thus far--lasted 21 years and was to Marcy Lafferty Shatner from 1973 to 1994. The couple divorced in 1994. His third marriage was to Nerine Kidd-Shatner from 1997 to 1999. That marriage ended when his wife drowned. His current wife is Elizabeth Martin whom he married in 2001."
Note how casually the author has tucked in the fact that the second marriage was his longest "thus far," thereby giving the reader the impression that there is some sort of contest going on as to who can stay married the longest to "The Shat." Another 15 years with Elizabeth and we'll have ourselves a new record. But it wasn't all fun and marriage contests for Bill Shatner. No, sir. After the original Star Trek series went gunnysack, he found himself wallowing in a little bit of a career debacle. Times were hard for our hero, and: "Perhaps the nadir was his role in Big Bad Mama, prized by Shatnerites for his nude scene with Angie Dickinson." The only thing more unsettling than the notion of William Shatner shooting a nude scene is the idea of some deranged individual actually prizing it. Also slightly disconcerting is Wikipedia's casual tossing around of words like "Shatnerites." It may well be that a narcissistic Shatner did not, in fact, write this piece, but for the sake of mankind let's hope that he did.
Bruce Willis
There are many winding paths a man can follow to greatness. He could build an orphanage, or perhaps write a symphony. But there is only one man in the history of history to have achieved greatness by screaming "yipee-ki-aye-ay motherfucker" and pushing Professor Snape out of a window. That man was this man: Bruce Willis. Now, as we ease ourselves into yet another unnecessarily detailed Wikipedia article, we find that perhaps this one is not so wonky after all. It's just "Early Life" this, and "Career" that, and it seems, all in all, to be quite unremarkable. That is, at least until we stumble into "Personal Life," and find this little baby: "In early 2006, Willis, who usually lives in Los Angeles, moved into an apartment located in the Trump Tower in New York City.[30] In 2007 he purchased a condominium at 220 Riverside Boulevard at Trump Place." Yes, the man's current residence is on Wikipedia, and if that wasn't written be a lonely Bruce Willis, it may be time for him to change the locks. If it was a lonely Bruce, than let's hope it found him some company. Perhaps it does add a nice personal touch, but what's next? Phone numbers? PIN numbers? Will the madness ever stop? The answer is no. The madness will never stop, because: "In Tokyo, Japan, Willis was named honorary chief of the cyberterrorism task force by the National Public Safety Commission on June 12, 2007. Kensei Mizote, the head of the commission, told Willis to "lead the world to create a safer society."
This leaves me a little confused, and more than a little queasy. It seems hard to imagine that the above could be anything other than the rambling writings of Willis himself, after a particularly convincing Die Hard-induced dream. However, if the "cyberterrorism task force" is an actual thing, and Bruce Willis is in charge, we can only assume that his job is to keep an eye on the Internet and beat the living shit out of it, should it get a little ornery. Maybe even throw it out a window.
Hulk Hogan
Really, what is there to say about the Hulkster? A freaking lot, judging by the astounding length of his Wikipedia entry. Should you, out of curiosity or some other strange compulsion, copy and paste this monstrosity into Microsoft Word, you'll be rewarded with 30 pages of spectacular information that will, under no circumstances, serve you any use whatsoever. Here's a heaping spoonful of knowledge: "Hogan was portrayed as a real-life superhero while reaching out to young fans. The consummate role model, he was named the most requested celebrity of the 1980s for the Make-a-Wish Foundation children's charity. As a result, Hogan transformed the business into a sports entertainment spectacle that appealed to prime-time audiences of all ages and backgrounds." So, the lesson here is that if you thought Hulk Hogan was just some wrestler, you were stupid. You were really, really stupid, because Hogan is the consummate role model, and he probably healed every one of those dying kids with his bare hands. Yes, we could all take a page from Hulk's book. But not even a superhero of Hogan's might can last forever, as he was eventually defeated (albeit with a little help from a fireball):
"The hard-fought bout came to its close when a "Japanese photographer" (actually a disguised Harvey Wippleman) got on the apron and distracted Hogan, before shooting some sort of fireball out of the camera and into Hogan's face.[52] This was followed by Yokozuna hitting a leg drop on Hogan for the pin.[52][81] After his victory, Yokozuna proceeded to give Hogan a Banzai Drop amidst the crying children and cursing adults.[52]" Everyone remembers what they were doing the day Hulk Hogan was tragically defeated before his time, and the author of this piece does a commendable job of setting the scene of that fateful day and hard-fought bout. The crying children. The cursing adults. We may never know the answer as to how exactly Hogan's mustache survived that treacherous fireball-to-the-face, but some knowledge is better left unclaimed.


A guy who’s looking for his buddy walks into a barbershop and asks, “Bob Peters here?”
“Sorry,” replies the barber. “We just cut hair.”


For those fans of the show who actually haven't read the news yet, here it is. As a warning, the video can only be watched from the U.K. (I never understood that particular habit of the BBC. Why do they limit who can view their videos like that?). So as the 11th Doctor we have the relatively unknown Matt Smith, who is both male and white (thus disappointing my desire for the next Doctor to be of a different race or gender). He's also looks thin like David Tennant. The fact that an unknown actor was chosen doesn't surprise me. British bookmakers must be ecstatic at keeping a lot of money since I didn't see Matt Smith on any of the lists. At 26 years old, he's younger than any of the previous actors who have inherited the role. In fact, if you look at the press release, he looks like something out of Twilight. That's when it struck me... They must be going to the young female demographic that made that movie and book so popular, possibly the Goths or Vampires. They already have the male demographic, so the showrunners are probably trying to expand the base. The publicity photos are quite dark and foreboding. Are they going for the dark, emo Doctor the next time around? As for his age, perhaps the Time Lords age backwards with each regeneration. Maybe the 12th Doctor will in fact be 12 years old. I'm somewhat disappointed in the choice, but I trust Steven Moffat to make things interesting. What are your thoughts? So now that we know the identity of the actor to play the next Doctor on "Doctor Who", the Telegraph newspaper in the U.K. is now beginning speculation on the identity of the Doctor's next traveling companion. Since this is speculation, I would take it with a grain of salt. At least it's not from the other British "newspaper" the Sun.
They seem to think that the BBC and the producers will go with the semi-famous pop star route that proved successful with Billie Piper (The article throws out names like Lily Allen). It's a safe bet that whomever the Doctor's next companion is will be young and female. Given the complete history of the show, companions have run the gamut. Since the reboot, I liked Rose and Martha and adored Donna (up until the end, which I fell flat a bit). For his remaining specials, David Tennant's Doctor will be pretty much companion-less. Who would you like to see join the next Doctor for a romp in the TARDIS?


Darren Aronofsky won't be directing Lone Wolf and Cub any time soon. MTV's Splash Page asked him for its status, and it turns out that the book never quite made it out of Japan. "The rights from Japan were never cleared. They tried for a while. I don't think it's getting out of there anytime soon." If they do, count him in to direct. "I'd love to do that. It's one of [Japan's] great pieces of literature." caught up with David S. Goyer, who reports that just about all the DC properties are on hold at Warner Bros. "A lot of the DC movies at Warner Brothers are all on hold while they figure out, they're going to come up with some new plan, methodology, things like that so everything has just been pressed pause on at the moment." Does that include Green Lantern, which was reportedly on the runway, ready for take off? Will Warner Bros ever find their way with those DC properties? Also on are unconfirmed reports that Kenneth Branagh is taking on a little Thor role, similar to what Jon Favreau did in Iron Man. There are also reports that the script has been revised to include Dr. Donald Blake -- while the movie will largely deal with Thor in Asgard, his human identity gets a set-up. I'm surprised that wasn't the angle they were originally going with ... and it's a relief if they do, since it would fit nicely into that real world Jon Favreau painted in Iron Man. Finally, Marvel has introduced a special Spider-Man Meets Barack Obama issue of "Amazing Spider-Man", and it takes place in Washington D.C. on Inauguration Day where Spidey has to thwart an old nemesis' plot to mess up the swearing in. 


Regardless of when Watchmen actually hits theaters, you bet your brand new Dr. Manhattan lunch box that Warner Bros. will make sure their film is mentioned in the press at least once a day. Heck, we live in a world right now where this sort of battle-trial between studios is the perfect marketing ploy. It's like watching two girls fight over the same guy -- automatically, that guy becomes more in demand. In the latest update, Warners wants to have the judge's January 20th decision (in which he'll decide whether to issue an injunction against the film's March 6 release) moved up to an earlier date because, in their opinion, "time is critical." And it is ... since Warners wants to spend tons on marketing the film prior to its release. Read more about this mess over at The Hollywood Reporter. Meanwhile, in our quest to see the entire film before a decision on its release is even made, Total Film has unveiled a set of new images. Although it's hard to go viral (a la The Dark Knight) with a film that's set in 1985, /Film tells us of a new viral site for the film centered on the fictional right-wing magazine The New Frontiersman, which comes up frequently throughout the graphic novel. There's nothing but the image of The Minutemen and a book with some tape around it right now, but apparently that tape will break in the coming days revealing a whole mess of goodies. Keep an eye out for it. Also, speaking of graphic novel tie-ins, the animated Tales of the Black Freighter feature -- which will appear on the Watchmen DVD -- has been rated R for violent and grisly images. 
Until I'm told differently, Watchmen is set to arrive in theaters and on IMAX screens on March 6.


There you have it, pholks, the third anniversary entry of the Phile. The next entry will be tomorrow with the interview with JoDee Purkeypile from the band The Alice Road. Then on Saturday it's Mike Finnigan, a keyboardist who played with pretty much everybody. Then on Sunday it's Bradley Barnes, lead singer for the band Stone Avenue. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd. 

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