Pheaturing Glenn Hughes From Black Country Communion

Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday... it's Labor Day. Let's get to work. Take comfort this Labor Day in knowing the pressure to have fun this summer is practically over. This Labor Day try not to think about how your next holiday isn't until Thanksgiving. Okay, let's get on with this so I can rest this Labor Day.
In what can only be called an incredibly on-brand moment, Eminem has come under fire for homophobic slurs in a new diss track. Slim Shady's newest album, "Kamakaze," was released Thursday night as a surprise to fans (14-year-old boys who call their mom a bitch) everywhere. The title track serves as a classic diss track, and specifically comes for Tyler the Creator at one point (which is hardly surprising given Tyler's past criticism of Eminem). However, Eminem's lines roasting Tyler the Creator include a bleeped out homophobic slur, which did not sit well with many. Given Eminem's library of lyrics, this choice is hardly surprising, but that doesn't make the normalization of using gay slurs okay. Keeping this language "normal" is what fosters cultures of bullying and homophobia, it keeps people in the closet and fuels violence. To add insult to injury, Tyler the Creator has been thoroughly punished for some of his graphic content while Eminem remains unscathed. Still, some people defended Eminem, claiming the use of the slur is a normal part of beef culture and is deeply unlikely to actually hurt Tyler the Creator in any serious way. Unsurprisingly, Eminem's defense of the slur rides on the predictable argument: that the word somehow doesn't carry its own meaning. At this point, I think it's safe to say Eminem won't change, he thrives off this type of backlash because it keeps it relevant. By the way, last year Tyler the Creator was at my work and I had no idea who he was, but my Cast did. I was like Tyler the Creator? What did he create? Anyway...
New reports suggest that when journalist Ronan Farrow was working at NBC, the company's highest level executives threatened to launch a smear campaign against him if he published details about Harvey Weinstein's past alleged sex crimes. The first evidence that NBC tried to squash the story came out back in October 2017, right after Ronan's reporting was published in The New Yorker. At that point, HuffPost reported that NBC executives had refused to allow Farrow to publish the Weinstein story on NBC platforms, saying he didn't have enough evidence. New information came out Thursday alleging that NBC's lawyer, Susan Weiner, called Farrow and threatened a smear campaign against him several times, according to the Daily Beast, which broke the story. NBC has maintained that it passed on Farrow's story initially because the story wasn't ready yet... none of the women was willing to be named, NBC said in a statement. As for the smear allegation, NBC is calling this new information an "outright lie." Journalists are livid that NBC might have engaged in a cover-up. Rich McHugh, the journalist who worked with Farrow on the story at NBC, released a statement calling NBC's alleged actions "unethical" and "a massive breach of journalistic integrity." "Something else must have been going on," he added. Journalist Greta Van Susteren tweeted that NBC should release the name of whoever gave its statement alleging that the claims were "an outright lie." "News orgs should be the last ones to be making anonymous statements," she wrote. Podcaster Jon Lovett tweeted that NBC News' story isn't adding up. People are pointing out that NBC's journalists were doing good work, while NBC itself was allegedly engaging in the cover-up. And of course, people couldn't resist drawing parallels to NBC's behavior and the allegations against its former star morning anchor, Matt Lauer. The New York Times was the first to publish allegations against Weinstein last year, with Farrow's report coming out in The New Yorker a few days later. Racists are so desperate to find a reason to support their disgusting ideas they’ll believe just about anything. Case in point was a fake story that started on Facebook and wound up threatening the lives of several Starbucks employees. Back in January, someone created the fake Facebook profile of an African-American woman named Shanell Rivers. They then used the profile to make it look as though a black woman was doing disgusting things to white Starbucks customers.

A Starbucks store in Brookhaven, Georgia began receiving threats and closed a few hours early. A heavy police presence was sent to the area to stop any potential violence. A bunch of racist white people saw the post and flipped out. Starbucks tried to squash the rumor on Twitter. Starbucks released a statement saying they do not have an employee named Shanell Rivers. “Nobody by the name of Shanell Rivers works for, or has worked for, Starbucks,” a company spokesperson said. “These posts are fake and were created with malicious intent. We are working with local authorities to determine how these fake posts were created and circulated.”
Last year, the Ta-Ta towel changed the way that women thought about bras, especially the well-endowed. Here it is ICYMI...

The bra is basically a towel that hangs around a woman’s neck. Ta-Ta towel fans love it because there’s no strap digging into their backs and the material is great at preventing boob sweat. It’s detractors think the Ta-Ta towel is an unattractive undergarment. Now, online clothing retailer SheIn, has sexified the Ta-Ta- towel by applying the same design concept to lingerie. The open-back embroidered rose lace bralette has a beautiful floral pattern on top of see-through black lace.

Although it’s definitely a different look, women who’ve purchased it seem to like it. It has a 4.5-star rating on SheIn’s website. If you get one, ladies, send pics.
They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. As does the devil. A woman in Denham Springs, Louisiana was arrested for setting her couch on fire to "get the devil out," which, if I were the devil, is totally where I'd chill, too. The fire then spread to the rest of her trailer, which likely reminded the devil of his hometown. The firefighters took the arsonist to the hospital for treatment before escorting her to jail, which is really nice of them. I guess Satan is a couch potato.
So, instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this record...

Ummm... maybe not. That woman looks attractive though. Someone research them. So, some people out there are petty AF. Check this tweet out...

Be a little petty today, you deserve it. So, did you read those "Sweet Valley Twins" books when you were a kid? I didn't obviously but I wonder what this one is about...

You know Thanos from Infinity War, right? He was supposed to have a different look. Check it out...

Ummm... I don't know what to think. He looks too much like that guy from "Myth Busters." So, I know it's hot, that's why I wanna show you a cheap thing to help you stay cool during the hottest damn summer ever. You know you do it, why not admit it? Pick up this "I Pee in Pools" black and yellow can cooler.

People respect honesty. So be the most respected man or woman at your next pool party by bringing this special "I Pee in Pools" beer cozy. Even if it doesn’t earn you any respect, it’s sure to give you the hot tub all to yourself. It’s on Amazon for just $8. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Ways To Celebrate Labor Day
5. File for another extension on your unemployment insurance.
4. FaceTime with yhr guy from Bangalore who took your tech job for half your salary.
3. Go into labor (Pregnant woman only).
2. Throw some dogs on the grill, crack a cold one and calculate how many more decades you'll have to work to pay off your student loans.
And the number one way to celebrate Labor Day is...
1. Grow a pair and quit your miserable, soul-crushing, dead-end job writring one-liners for a humor blog.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, not long ago a local lawyer wanted to come onto the Phile and advertise his law firm. I said why not, and he did. Well, he wanted to come back today and drum up some new business. So,  thought why not. So, once again here is...

Me: Hey, Mr. Buggerz, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Bill Buggerz: I am freakin' good, Jay, how're you?

Me: Not too bad. So, what's new?

Bill Buggerz: I wanna tell your readers something to look out for if you're going through a freakin' divorce.

Me: Sure. Go ahead.

Bill Buggerz: You wouldn't believe how many people submit nude pictures of their soon-to-be exes into the court record as evidence, not because the pics are relevant in any way to the divorce proceedings, but simply to humiliate them... court files, unless sealed by the judge, are public record so anyone who cares to look can access the court file and all the exhibits. Family court is the most depressing division. Don't send nudes to people... except for me, I'm totally trustworthy.

Me: Ha. Sure. Is that it?

Bill Buggerz: Yup. Happy Labor Day, everyone. Call Suetha, Buggerz & Wynn if you need a lawyer. Piece out.

You don't have to be British to laugh at this meme list, but it will bloody well help.

Hmmm... I don't get it. Maybe I'm not British after all.

Kida are more likely to cheat if they think they have a reputation for being smart. Studies show that when children are told they're really smart for doing well on a test, they're more likely to cheat in the future so that you'll keep thinking they're really smart. However, if you praise them by saying they "did really well this time," they're more likely to keep working hard so the can "do well" again the next time.

Hahahahahahahaha. I think that's funny. It's important to remember that we're all just little bumbling flesh bags struggling to get there (whatever that means). So, if you wanna see a movie today on your day off a good friend of the Phile has a movie review he'd like to share. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good morning, humans. Laird’s No Spoilers Movie Review: The Happytime Murders. The Muppets take meth... Puppet porn... Sick and twisted... Yeah, yeah, I know... everybody is panning this flick. You know what? I loved it. You have to be a fan of outrageously irreverent humor to like this over the top shock fest. Puppet detective teams up with everybody’s favorite fat annoying twat, Melissa McCarthy to solve a string of puppet murders. Some pretty fucked up shit going on in puppetland. Three things... 1. Don’t take the kids, 2. I always wondered what purple puppet poontang looked like, 3. I am certain that Jim Henson is doing BACKflips in his grave. Nine out of a possible ten.

I wanna see that movie. Okay, so, the 86th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Freddy will be on the Phile next Monday.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

This is freaking cool... today's pheatured guest is an English rock bassist and vocalist, who currently fronts the supergroup Black Country Communion. Their latest album "BCCIV" is available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Glenn Hughes!

Me: Hey, Glenn, welcome to the Phile. It's an honor to have you here. How are you?

Glenn: I'm fine, my friend. It's my honour, my friend.

Me: Man, Black Country Communion is such a super group with yourself, Joe Bonamassa, Derek Sherinian and Jason Bonham. How did you put this band together?

Glenn: I started working along with Joe in 2009 and we got together about half a dozen times in his studio in North Hollywood. I met him at the NAMM show in January '09, he's a young man and knew about my work from the '70s and I heard about him as my friends talked about Joe. I thought let's get together and see what happens. We did and slowly and surely began to come up with some ideas that might fit. We didn't know where we were going with it with a rock band. Were we going to Nashville, Memphis, Deroit? We didn't really know that we were gonna be called Black Country Communion.

Me: After a few albums and a live album you guys did Joe decided he was going his own way. What made him decide to come back to the band?

Glenn: What happened I think the facts are this... when we were notified there was not going to be a tour after "Afterglow" came out, there was just going to be one show. We just basically took it off the back boil. It wasn't a case of who left and who didn't stay. It was pretty obvious that if we were not going to tour it was impossible to continue. I just sort of walked away in September of 2012, I didn't go public with it, I just walked away because I was worried that we were unable to tour. I thought it was best to just go my own way. Then the next year the band broke up.

Me: I love the new album "BCCIV," which has a little bit of rock, a little bit of blues, and a few other genres. Did you have any plans of changing things up going in?

Glenn: Well, when we got together to do this I was getting inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Joe called me from New York in 2016. We then got together in L.A. and discussed what we should do, and how we do it and what the songs should sound like, what direction we should go in. It was very obvious where we should go. My concern is I just wanted it to be a very, very memorable album to compete with the other ones. The first three albums are pretty stellar. The new one, if you don't mind me saying so, I wanted it to be epic.

Me: The opening song "Collide" has a very Led Zeppelin feel, Glenn, Was that your intention with it?

Glenn: You know, to be be honest with you when writing these songs there's never a moment where Joe and I are going out of the box to sound like Zeppelin. I'll just say this, and this is a real honest statement... when Joe and I brought the songs into the studio and played them for Jason and Derek, when we have Jason Bonham playing drums with us it sort of guides its way into that territory when we are writing songs in the ilk of what these songs are. Let's just say we didn't want to make a record like a modern rock record, we wanted to make a record that sounded like it came from the 70s.

Me: Why do you think it has that classic 70s sound? Which I love by the way.

Glenn: It's kind of what this band is. It's for the fans that never got to see Zeppelin or Purple or the classic rock of the giants of the 70s. I am from that generation as you know, I'm in my 60s now, and that's where I saw this band should be. A lot of new bands wish they could write and play in that genre. When we are writing these songs there's definitely a tip of the hat to Zeppelin. We knew we were stepping into that territory. We are not trying to be that band, I don't sound like Robert.

Me: That's the only track I had that feeling about. It's a very varied album, Glenn. What was the first song you wrote for the album?

Glenn: That one... "Collision." When we played it to Jason we knew how he was going to play it. It's funny, the song was written knowing full well that of we came up with this rift we knew where the drums would stop... and that's kind of Zeppelinish,

Me: I love the song "Over My Head," which is my favorite song on the album. How did you come up with that song?

Glenn: My wife woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me, "What's over my head?" I was like what? She said, "You've been singing 'over my head.'" I was like ohhhh... then I left my bed, went up to my studio and kind of mumbled into the machine a couple of things. When I got up the next day I played it back and there was the melody. It just came out. I never wrote a song in a dream state before but there's always a first I guess.

Me: The song "The Last Song For My Resting Place" has a fiddle in it, which was a surprise. How did you come up with that idea?

Glenn: Primarily Joe came up with that song and I finished it with him. When we were putting it down in my studio we had no idea there was going to be a fiddle there. We didn't know where we were going. We knew there was going to be an acoustic guitar and mandolin on the song of course. When the track was recorded we sent it to Ireland and one of the guys from the Dubliners played the fiddle on it. It sounds different than anything on the album. Its a timeless piece of maid that will sound as good in twenty years time so this is the kind of thing I like, this kind of song on this type of album.

Me: Did you plan that that song was going to be so different?

Glenn: Yeah, we knew. In fact some of the other songs wrote for the other albums sound just a little bit different to the rest of it. But this one is definitely something completely different. I say different but it's grand and glorious but though it's different it definitely fits this album. There's definitely different energies on this album, different moods and like I said, Joe and I wanted to explore all territories on this album.

Me: When you first met Joe he was more into the blues, sir, did it take him long to get more into rock like how you play?

Glenn: No, man, the crazy thing about Joe and I say this out of love, when I got together with Joe nine years ago I was quite impressed of his knowledge of the band Free. Joe is forty and Free broke up forty-three years ago or so. He loves Free and he loves Paul Kossoff. How tip of the hat to that band and that guitar player is very obvious to people that know. So, when I started to work with Joe we started to dig into that territory a little bit, that less in time gore temp stuff. His knowledge of early British rock music is quite incredible. When we started Black Country I think Joe was more influenced by Free than he was by Zeppelin. I think you could hear that on this album.

Me: How do you and Joe write together? Does one come up with the lyrics and the other the music? 

Glenn: On the first album Joe came to my home and we wrote three or four songs. I came up with couple of ideas and Joe finished them. I do write a lot of music, I write daily, every day of the year, which is what I do most of the time. On this particular album I thought it would be really great to write all the music together in my room. We were facing each other on a couple of chairs. On the lyrically part most of them are mine. I write a lot of the lyrics as that's what I like to do. Joe wanted me to be happy to do what I do and I wanted him to be happy. I just wanted him to write music with me on this particular album.

Me: This album was a big passionate album for you, am I right?

Glenn: Yeah, I knew this album was important or the brand and the band. This album needed to be as good as the first three, in fact its probably better than the first three.

Me: Am I right to say that this type of band does better in Europe than in the U.S.? Or am I wrong? 

Glenn: You know I got some theories about that but I'll keep them to myself. I think the promotion in Europe is a bit more extensive than it is in America. Its difficult for me to go into detail. I don't know.

Me: Do you play more in Europe or over here?

Glenn: Europe. I'm not sure if it's a rock versus music thing or fan base or whatever it is, I'm not sure. I'm not saying anything than we just make great records. We just simply have to make great music.

Me: There's not a lot of rock albums in the charts anymore, is there?

Glenn: You might see on Billboard, the Foo Fighters or Chili Peppers, or someone from my era like Roger Waters or whatever. You won't see a lot of rock albums like we used to see in the 70s and 80s in the top twenty. It's just not going to happen. Rock music is taking more seriously in Europe than it is in America. But the amazing heritage of rock music is huge here. Its a shame that we don't see so much coverage of the genre we love. It's kind of been like that for awhile though.

Me: It is sad. Okay, so, after a long time Deep Purple was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Was that a big honor for you?

Glenn: It was. I think the work we did on "Burn," and the three albums we did together as a band I just think of the success and the fails that album had. "Burn" is like one of the top three selling albums that Purple ever made. It was very enjoyable to stand on the stage in front of our peers and our families on a televised event. It was a thing I'll never forget, it was a wonderful achievement.

Me: Cool. Glenn, thanks so much for being on the Phile. This was so cool. Please come back again sometime. Continued success, Glenn.

Glenn: Thanks, Jason, and I loved your dad. Keep up the good work with this blog.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course the great Glenn Hughes. The Phile will be back on Thursday with singer Nell Bryden. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Tom Griesgraber

Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. As it's Sunday let's start with a story about Pope Francis, because people are calling on him to resign. Pope Francis' trip to the highly Catholic country of Ireland was supposed to be an exciting adventure in preaching to the choir, but much like your binge-watching "House of Cards," it was marred by a sexual abuse scandal. His trip to Dublin came just after clergymen were accused of sexual abuse all over the world: former D.C. cardinal Theodore McCarrick was reported to have abused children for decades, and Chile's Catholic bishops resigned en masse (no pun intended) over sex abuse cover-ups in their country. Things got personal for Pontifex when a former top-ranking Vatican official accused the pope of knowing the allegations against McCarrick for years and working to cover it up, calling on him to resign. The Pontiff joins such esteemed colleagues as Congressman Jim Jordan and U.S.A. Gymnastics in failing to act on reports of sexual abuse. To add insult to injury, Pope Francis' massive mass party had a Trump inauguration level crowd size. Remember when Pope Francis was supposed to be the "Cool Pope"? Jesus Christ.
Speaking of pedophilia, professional piece of shit Milo Yiannopolous (who lost his book deal defending people who have sex with little boys) is whining that his life sucks. Milo, who was banned from Twitter after launching a racist and misogynistic harassment campaign aimed at Leslie Jones, has only Facebook as a medium on which to spread hate speech, and whine about the lack of respect he gets from fellow bigots these days. In a comment on Facebook, The Hatest Showman kvetched, "I was a significant factor in Donald Trump getting elected, for which I have received zero credit, almost single handedly ignited the current debate about free speech on campus and NO ONE has ever matched my ability to draw attention to these issues. For my trouble, I have lost everything standing up for the truth in America, spent all my savings, destroyed all my friendships, and ruined my whole life." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SUCKS TO SUCK, SUCKER! After crying over how he doesn't get any credit for getting Trump elected, he proceeds to call his followers "you entitled fucking babies," which is truly some delicious irony.
Ariana Grande was one of the accomplished vocalists who honored Aretha Franklin in a star-studded seven-hour funeral on Friday. She performed one of the Queen of Soul's signature songs, "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman," but something besides her performance grabbed people's attention... and raised many disapproving eyebrows. Bishop Charles Ellis drew the Internet's ire after seemingly groping Ariana. While introducing her at the podium, he held her very high on the waist and squeezed his fingers around the side of her chest. He later apologized, telling the Associated Press, "It would never be my intention to touch any woman's breast. Maybe I crossed the border, maybe I was too friendly or familiar. But again, I apologize." He claimed to have hugged all the artists present, male and female, but onlookers weren't buying it. They said the physical contact was clearly inappropriate, and that Ariana appeared uncomfortable with it. Many pointed out that focusing on the length of Ariana's dress, which some deemed too short for the formal occasion, is symptomatic of the misogyny that enables sexual assault. The bishop also apologized for a distasteful "joke" he made about the singer's name: "When I saw Ariana Grande on the program, I thought that was a new something at Taco Bell." Okay... that's funny, but wen I met her at work a few years ago I told her her names sounds like a drink from Starbucks. I think my joke was better. Anyway... despite enduring such foolery... and at a funeral, no less... Ariana persevered and delivered a moving rendition of "Natural Woman." And in happier news, her latest album "Sweetener" set a Spotify streaming record.
A "mystery" woman who was seen knocking on doors and ringing doorbells in the middle of the night in Montgomery, Texas on August 24th has been identified and is "safe with family members," Buzzfeed reports. A search for the woman was underway after a Facebook post was shared by the Montgomery Country Sheriff's Office last week. In the deeply upsetting video, the woman has no pants on, seems very distressed and appears to be wearing restraints on both wrists. She was reported to have been knocking on doors and ringing doorbells around 3 a.m., but then "vanished." Officers reportedly launched a "door to door" investigation, asking residents of the small town for information. But no one recognized her and she didn't match any missing persons report. On Wednesday, Montgomery County Lt. Scott Spencer told reporters that the woman "has been identified and is safe." She was reportedly the victim of an "abusive" boyfriend, who has apparently since died by suicide, according to this report: I hope this woman makes a full recovery from this horrific-sounding ordeal.
Aziz Ansari and Kanye West. Eminem and Elton John. Dennis Rodman and North Korea. These are a few of the unlikely friendships we've been #blessed enough to see blossom in our era. But one in particular is nearest and dearest to our heart, and it's one that no one saw coming... George W. Bush and Michelle Obama. These two have a rapport that transcends party lines and subverts people's expectations. George W. has explained their bond before, claiming Michelle understands his sense of humor which immediately put him at ease around her. At John McCain's funeral, the two shared a moment of levity that the Internet declared an essential part of their Friendship Canon.

But like... who wouldn't watch that show? A bipartisan, intergenerational, interracial friendship? Someone get CBS on the phone. George W. and Michelle's friendship is giving people the life they need in this time of political division and fear. I swear I'm not crying. My eyes are just sweating. It's August! It's hot!! Stop looking at me!!!
Okay, it's Sunday, and some church signs wage the war on "Christian" bigots.

Tables not fences is what Jesus is all about. Haha. You know, if you look at some texts from baby boomers you'll see that the technology struggle is real. Occasionally, their enthusiasm is overwhelming.

What does the "C" in "XC" stand for? "Text me back immediately, or your Christmas cash is revoked!"? Remember the game Connect 4? Well, there's a brand new version of it out...

Ha. They tell me I could see some weird sites at Walmart, and I never believe them until...

That's a Mindphuck. So, I was thinking of getting a new tattoo but someone else had my idea...

Hmmm... You know Thanos from Infinity War, right? Well, did you know he was gonna have a different look. I'll show you...

I like it. Guy Thanos. If I had a TARDIS I would like to go back in time and meet John Lennon and Paul McCartney. But knowing my luck I wouldn't like to go near them because LENNON HAS A GIANT PARROT ON HIS SHOULDER! Ugh!

So, do you know something that makes me laugh? Old people wearing inappropriate t-shirts.

Hahahaha. I know it's hot out there so I'd like to show you a cheap thing to help you stay cool during the hottest damn summer ever. Keep your dog, cat or ferret cool as a cucumber with this Pet Cooling Mat...

If you’re hot, then your pets are hot, too. That’s just science. Show your pet how much you love him or her by picking up this cool pet mat. Buy it on Amazon for $5. Okay, so, one thing about the Internet that is great is you can look at porn so easily and for free. But for blog writers like me that is not as good, because I'd like you to be entertained and not get bored, and go click on porn. So then I thought if I showed a porn pic here that might quench your thirst. The problem with that though is what about if you are at work, or school or in front of your wife. So, my friends, I came up with a solution...

You. Are. Welcome. So, do you know what is the best? I will tell you...

It's hard to believe that the tiny termite is responsible for a great deal of our global warming problem on the planet. Termites fart more than any other animal, which produces methane gas. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, "Global emissions of methane due to termites are estimated to be between 2 and 22 Tg per year, making them the second largest natural source of methane emissions. Methane is produced in termites as part of their normal digestive process, and the amount generated varies among different species."

Haha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, occasionally there's this comedian who comes onto the Phile to tell his jokes. The problem is he doesn't really tell jokes, but he thinks he is. Anyway, he said he had a few more to tell so I invited him back again to give it another try. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hey, Ollie, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?

Ollie: I'm good, Jason, thanks for having me back.

Me: You're welcome. Okay, let's hear your jokes.

Ollie: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?

Me: Ummm... I'm afraid to ask. How many?

Ollie: Two, one to change it and the other to hold the ladder so the first man won't fall and hurt himself.

Me: That's dumb, but I'm glad that was the answer. Next?

Ollie: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?

Me: I don't know.

Ollie: I don't know either, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.

Me: I actually almost chuckled at that one. Any more?

Ollie: Why do black people eat fried chicken?

Me: Ugh. I don't want emails complaining about the racist joke. Why, Ollie?

Ollie: Because it tastes good.

Me: Sheesh. Okay, one more. Make it good.

Ollie: A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

Me: Ha. That was okay. Good job I guess. Come back again with some more. Ollie Tabooger, the guy who doesn't know how to tell a joke, everybody.

People who appreciate dark humor are more likely to have higher levels of intelligence.

Ummm... I think I get it.

During the latest installment of what is the president talking about, Trump drafted an eloquently rambling tweet about the evils of the crooked mainstream media, and more specifically, the propagation of "fake books" a delicious word salad few had considered before.

In my imagination, this was fleshed out between hearty sips of Diet Coke. Now, to those of us (un)healthily obsessed with the demise of America via Trump, this is a pretty obvious subtweet towards some of the recent tell-alls detailing the White House going-ons. Unsurprisingly, Trump has yet to clarify or make any true sense of his own tweet. Why would he?! At least he's given the world another meme before we all die from lack of healthcare, you gotta count your blessings.

The 86th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Freddy will be the guest on the Phile next Monday.

Phact 1. Crinoid fossils, a prehistoric form of marine animal life, have been found on the peak of Mount Everest, thusly demonstrating that over millions of years, as a result of the tectonic movement, the seabed has ultimately been forced up to the highest peaks on earth.

Phact 2. The Soviet cosmonauts celebrated the moon landing in 1969 “with joy and vodka."

Phact 3. In Michigan, you are never more than 6 miles from a natural water source. This is due to Michigan’s nearly 65,000 inland lakes and ponds. You are also never more than 85 miles from one of the Great Lakes.

Phact 4. In 2009, Pepsi started marketing itself as Pecsi in Argentina in response to its name being mispronounced by 25% of the population and as a way to connect more with all of the population.

Phact 5. Fatal Familial Insomnia is an inherited brain disease that eventually causes one to be incapable of sleep. It has no known cure. It involves progressively worsening insomnia, which leads to hallucinations, confusional states like that of dementia, and eventually, death.

Today's guest is a Chapman Stick player whose albums "A Whisper in the Thunder," "Sketchbook," and "Waking the Day" are available on iTunes. Please wekcome to the Phile... Tom Griesgraber.

Me: Hey, Tom, welcome to the Phile, sir. How are you? 

Tom: I'm great, Jason, thanks for having me.

Me: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question I'm sure everyone asks you... you are a Chapman Stick player... what the hell is a Chapman Stick?

Tom: Well, I'll try and give you a condensed version. A Chapman Stick refers to a man named Emmett Chapman who back in 1969... I just did a show with him... and he corrected me on the date, August 26th, 1969 I think I got it right now, he was playing his own homemade guitar which already had nine strings on it because he was into all kinds of things, realized he could play with both hands tapping on strings. They've been people before him who've done some tapping but he is the first person we know of who plays with a full technique with both hands where both hands are equal partners, and the fingers are perpendicular to the strings. He started playing his homemade guitar that way and started working on an idea. By 1974 he had his first production run of Chapman Stick and to this date he's still selling them out of his home in L.A. It's a family business, they've got two garages going. He corrected me, I was introducing him on stage recently and I was telling the audience he made about 6,000 and he stopped me and said, "No, it's over 7300 now." That's a lot of anything to come out of a garage.

Me: So, how can you describe this thing?

Tom: The shortest physical description I can give it is the model I play is twelve strings. Six guitar strings and six bass strings. It's not in guitar and bass tuning, the guitar side is close to a guitar tuning but all the strings are four notes apart, from low to high. The bass strings also go from low to high, and they start with a low B, like a five string electric bass. They come up with five notes apart. There's two different tunings in each hand, both going low to high from the middle. The end result is you're playing notes with both hands, sort of how a piano player would, but the sound is more of a combination of guitar and bass, or even two guitars and bass.

Me: So, your right and would play the guitar and the left the bass?

Tom: Typically, yes. There's no rules about it so sometimes you could switch sides for certain musical reasons, but that's usually the default position. The bass tuning makes you play a little bass note in the range of a bass player, say with your index finger, but the other fingers of you hand can play some cordial notes, more like a guitar. Then the right hand is still completely free to do melodies and other chords. Each set has its own pick-up and its own output so they could be processed separately so you have a lead guitar sound in your right and while more of a clear bass sound in your left hand. Then on my particular model I had him out in a mini pick-up as well on the right hand, so I have a third output that could do anything a synthesizer keyboard could do.

Me: Hmmm... So, the deeper notes are in the middle, am I right?

Tom: Correct.

Me: For both hands?

Tom: I don't know for both hands. I'm not aware of any other instrument that has this tuning. He has created something unusual.

Me: I agree. What do you think was the mindset behind it? Do you know?

Tom: To do a blank slate for music where normally on a guitar there's two strings that are tuned differently than all the others that gives some extra possibilities but also some handicaps. With this tuning it's more like an open musical slate where you're not as dependent what key you're in. You can calm a little more free musically. But as I said the right hand tuning is set up for better melodies and the bass a little better for accompaniment. Yet there is a relationship because, let me get musically nerdy for a second, those two intervals of fourth and fifth are actually inversions of each other. What that means is the shape of a right hand goes say C, up to E, up to G. On the left hand that same exact shape would go C, down to E, down to G. But the physical shapes remain the same.

Me: How did you get your mind around this instrument and learn to play it? Sounds way too complicated. Haha.

Tom: It's interesting, on piano you play different shapes really. You have the benefits of the notes always being the same. The physical look of it on piano is always a C. On guitar, bass or Stick, it's all over the place. It's sort of have to memorize where C is. But the shapes are exactly the same. The shape of a major chord, like a C major chord os the same as F major chord, and the G major chord. You have to know where your starting note is.

Me: Is this a fretted instrument?

Tom: Correct.

Me: So, when you pay a show what do the audiences think of it?

Tom: It's interesting, because if they are not used to it, the audience will come up with all kind of funny theories and questions for me on how it works. They've never seen anything like it usually. A lot of people say it looks like a strange guitar or bass but I'm playing notes with both hands. I had people come up and ask me, "Is there a current going through all the frets?"I'm like, "No, I'll be getting shocked." Haha.

Me: So, how does this thing make music, or sound?

Tom: The real secret to the tapping Emmett discovered is having the strings low to the board as you can so it doesn't take much strength to press them down, and then what happens when the strings hits the fret it physically vibrates, smacking into the fret. You can amplify that and away you go.

Me: How many frets are on the instrument?

Tom: It's two octaves from the length of the neck.

Me: I assume it's wood on the backside, right?

Tom: Yes. He makes them out of different things like he's fascinated by making them out of aluminum. He still makes wood instruments and that's still my choice.

Me: What's the sustain of it? It looks like a giant guitar neck...

Tom: The sustain is just the sustain of the natural string hitting the fret but again it's got more sustain than a typical electric guitar, or bass, and I think that comes again from this really low action and this sort of light touch. The strings are probably a little bit looser too because it has the length of the bass but a lot of the strings are guitar strings, so they are a little looser in a way.

Me: Is there another instrument you play, Tom?

Tom: I have a Moat guitar which they made for a brief period. It'a a great instrument and I love playing it on recordings and stuff.

Me: Do you ever use a pick or do finger picking with the Stick?

Tom: A little bit, but it's almost like the inverse of the way a guitar player would tap. A guitar player might spend all his time picking, and then tap for a different effect. It's the same on Stick where you spend all the time tapping and then pick for a different effect. So, I absolutely do it sometimes and I think it's one of those things where I bring to the instrument that a lot of players don't, I'm always looking for ways to embellish it and kind of make it not sound like the Stick. I've done a little but with a pick and really one thing jumps to mind, I played a lot with guy named Bert Lams who plays with the California Guitar Trio, and we occasionally do a cover of his groups pieces. The arrangement with the two of us basically is he played with his normal part of the trio and I have to cover the other two parts of the missing guys on the Stick. We would come to the end of the piece of his called "Train to Lamy," and it just happens they play their guitars tuned in fifths, so their chord voicing's match up well with the bass side of the Stick. But he needed a basic arpeggios pattern for the end of the song and I was finger picking it and he said, "It's not right, it's not right, it's not right." Finally I grabbed a guitar pick and began picking on the Stick and he was like, yeah, that's it. Ha ha. 

Me: You first started to play a normal six-string guitar, right?

Tom: Sure.

Me: What was your background there, Tom?

Tom: Well, the real music background is I started on piano as a kid. I took about six years classical piano and I kind switched from that and got into music. That sort of started with my mom really, but got into on my own in high school I guess. I fell right into hard rock and metal guitar. I just loved the sound and realized in that music that guitar is everything, forget about everybody else in the band. The guitarist is right in the face. I started looking at where to go for college and I had a guitar teacher who suggested Berklee. They do a program in L.A. every summer and I went to that and quickly got my butt kicked because I have really been playing guitar by ear, even though I had note reading and stuff on piano, I haven't even attempted in on guitar. So, I wound up coming home and realizing I had to get my stuff in order if I was going to music school and started studying classical guitar for a couple of years. I then transitioned from there getting into jazz and studying with Berklee alumni. I did transfer to Berklee and graduate from there, and spent another year going to San Diego State working on a masters on music there wit their jazz program. I figured I would take a year off from the masters program to practice and figure out what I really wanted to do. That's actually where I stumbled into the Stick.

Me: "Stumbled into the Stick" sounds dirty. Haha. What was it like when you transitioned to the Stick?

Tom: I felt like there was three hurdles I had to deal with. One of them was getting my right hand to play notes because it was used to just picking. The geography of the right hand that's the side of the tuning fork so it's close enough to the guitar so I kind of knew where the notes were. The second was the left hand was in this new reverse fifth standing so I had to figure out where everything was over there. The third hurdle is what every Stick player never fully conquers how independent I can make my two hands. How far part can I really pull and give that two parts as one thing.

Me: If you sing at the same time your head would explode I think. Haha. have you tried that?

Tom: I've dabbled with that one, but haven't really been brave enough to step into it yet.

Me: When you play a regular guitar now does it feel really tiny?

Tom: No, not at all. I mean it's just a different thing. It's funny, when I first got serious about the Stick there was a scary moment about a year in. I had this period where I was practicing about twenty hours a week before I could play an hours worth of material on it. During that time I wasn't playing guitar hardly at all and my guitar skulls were going down hill. Stick was starting to get going and there was this moment where I couldn't do much of anything on anything. Both of my parents were asking me what am I doing with my life. These days with having got comfortable with Stick over the years I'm playing guitar now more than I have for many years and I think their pretty equal footing now. It's great, I do a lot of recording for other people and I could be anything from the producer to the engineer, session musician to whatever needs happen. If there asking me to play something on it then I make equal use of guitar, bass and Stick and it's just a question of I'm listening to the music and figuring out what's really going to fit. There's a lot of things that guitar can do that Stick can't. 

Me: Do you ever feel pain in your hands after playing the Stick?

Tom: No. Because again the action is so low. It's easy, and I've done some gigs that make guitar players head spin around. For years I played at the San Diego County Fair every Saturday, it runs for about a month. They usually book me for a show once a day. There was one year which was my all time Olympic record for longevity where they had me booked as a solo show and a group show, so two shows a day. They had acrobats that were supposed to come from China but couldn't get their Visas sorted out. They were supposed to do two shows a day but suddenly couldn't, the Fair came to me and said I was already there every day, could I help them fill all those gaps. It was such a good run, always is for CD sales, so I just took everything they had and it wound up for a month I was playing every day at least six hours on stage. I had a few ten hour days. Hahaha.

Me: So, what type of music do you play, Tom?

Tom: Honestly if you start to put it into a genre I like to think it borrows from a couple of them. That's partially the nature of the instrument, it's a new enough thing. I will say my main interest in music has always been writing, and one of the things that drew me to the Stick was that it felt like lesser explored terrain for writing. I just try to find things that are musically interesting to me, that could borrow from a progressive rock rhythm, a jazz core progression, to a simple folk melody to pop and rock and kind of borrowing from all those things. My real goal is to do things that sound fresh to me and yet I'm not trying to be bowling people over just with technique, I'm more interested in trying to tell a story through music and just do something that's a little new, a little different.

Me: That's so cool. Well, I play kazoo and that's a lot easier than what you play, Tom. Thanks so much for being on the Phile and teaching us about a new instrument. Go ahead and plug your website and please come back on the Phile again soon. I hope it was fun.

Tom: Thanks, Jason. It was fun.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Tom Griesgraber for a good interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with the great Glenn Hughes from Black Country Communion. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker