Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Ha. Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? Okay, so, I have to start of with my favorite story from this past week. One wonders what is in the water in Eldorado, Illinois. A buck crept up on what was unbeknownst to him a hunting practice doe and began, erm, mating with it. Unfortunately, he accidentally knocked off its head in the process. The look on his face? Priceless.
The buck quickly jumped off and looked around, alarmed at the doe’s head on the ground. What would you do in that situation? The people taking the video watched as the buck tried to go to town on the decoy doe, saying, “Don’t move ’cause he’ll see us. Watch. Watch!” Hopefully this gives you some laughs to get through the rest of your week.
The public impeachment hearings have already spawned several viral moments, and day three was no exception. One witness, Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who serves as the Director for European Affairs for the United States National Security Council, provided several standout moments, including shutting down Rep. Jim Jordan after he questioned Vindman’s “character” and “judgment.” But one of the more lighthearted moments surrounding Vindman didn’t actually involve him at all. In fact, it happened just behind him as he gave his testimony. At one point during the proceedings, a woman could be seen enthusiastically chugging her large coffee behind Vindman. What made it even better was that she appeared to realize that she was on camera, and then went back to guzzling that coffee like a boss. And people took notice. The woman was later identified as McClatchy Congress reporter Emma Dumain, who confirmed to The New York Post that it was indeed her. In an interview with Slate, Dumain said that she was aware that she was on camera, since she’d “been getting emails with screen grabs and texts even before the start of the hearing saying, ‘Oh, wow, you’re on TV. Look, I see your head peeking out over there behind the witnesses.'” But at the moment she decided to down her coffee, she didn’t realize she’d be quite so visible. She added, “The bottom line is I had no idea in the moment that that was being captured in real time. Zero.” When asked if the coffee was really that good, Dumain admitted that it was actually just “serviceable” coffee from Pret a Manger. Ouch. But she still has a sense of humor about the whole thing, saying, “It’s hilarious. It looks ridiculous. The thing that I actually am finding gratifying about the whole thing is I really do think my colleagues are laughing with me and not at me.” “Maybe I’m deluding myself, but this actually has been a pretty funny day and kind of a hilarious experience.” And people were feeling that big coffee mood hard. Whatever gets you through the day. Thanks for the laugh, Emma!
Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman’s testimony before Congress last week didn’t go so well for President Trump. Vindman continued to corroborate that President Trump was conditioning U.S. military aid to Ukraine on the announcement of an investigation into Joe Biden by the foreign government. The obvious corruption this implies is devastating to President Trump’s continued insistence of innocence, which Don Jr. was surely thinking about as he shared an article on Twitter smearing Vindman.
The article, titled “Let’s Stop Pretending Every Impeachment Witness Is A Selfless Hero,” was obviously aimed at discrediting Vindman, a decorated war veteran whose honor most have held above reproach. Twitter let Don Jr. know he was the LAST person who should be throwing stones at Vindman. President Trump, who received five draft deferments to avoid service in Vietnam during his early life, twice for supposed bone spurs in his feet, has a shakey history with decorated combat veterans. He attacked both Senator John McCain for being captured in Vietnam and a gold star family for speaking out against him. The Trumps’ attacks on Vindman were so ridiculous they even made the late-night rounds. Many feel they are watching the Republican party fall apart before their eyes. In terms of valor, it’s hard to argue Vindman wouldn’t come out on top in most comparisons. Sorry, Don Jr., if you were hoping to change any minds with your tweet, you might want to try a different tactic.
Brace yourself because this an idea so insane it almost feels we're being trolled: a film executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play Harriet Tubman in a biopic. The new biopic, Harriet, about Harriet Tubman, an abolitionist and activist who was born into slavery and risked her life on approximately 13 missions to save close to 100 slaves is currently in movie theaters nationwide. Unfortunately, this movie took over 25 years to be made. When screenwriter Gregory Allen first wrote the script, he had a meeting in 1994 with the president of a studio sub-label. He recounted the experience for the L.A. Times, noting that the president told him, “This is a great script. Let’s get Julia Roberts to play Harriet Tubman." When he was told that Harriet Tubman was actually a black woman, the man responded, “That was so long ago. No one will know that." WHAT IS HAPPENING? This is, of course, upsetting to learn for a lot of reasons but mostly because Hollywood is still notoriously awful at casting actors who are the actual race of the people of color they're portraying. White-washing unfortunately still happens often (remember when Scarlett Johansson played a Japanese character?). Then, there's the fact that this man had a job in Hollywood and he clearly didn't know how to read a script, or a history book. If Harriet Tubman was white, the risk involved in running an operation that freed black, enslaved people wouldn't be nearly as high. White people did help slaves escape, but the strength and courage it required for a black person (especially a black woman) who was born into slavery and risk becoming a slave again? It's an entirely different story, with an entirely different hero.
A South African insurance company is under fire after forcing a family to bring in their relative’s corpse to receive their payout. That’s right. The family had to physically drag their loved one’s dead body into the insurance office. A video of the incident was posted on Twitter. The family of the deceased, a 46-year-old man named Sifiso Justice Mhlongo, is suitably outraged. According to The Daily Mail, the insurance agency, Old Mutual, claimed there was an issue with the paperwork preventing them from giving the family a $2,200 payout towards funeral costs. The delay meant the family couldn’t perform important burial rights for their uncle. After waiting nine days for the insurance company to sort the issue out, Mhlongo’s nieces, Ntombenhle Mhlongo and Thandaza Mtshali, felt they had no other option but to confront the insurance agency in person. Ntombenhle explained to The Daily Mail that Old Mutual was not being cooperative. “We kept going back but they kept stonewalling and we were angry, frustrated and just wanted to make sure we could properly prepare and bury him.” “We thought if the documents do not give them enough answers then maybe the body will.” Her idea worked. Ntombenhle and Thandaza drove their uncle’s body from the morgue and carried it into a branch of Old Mutual in KwaZulu-Natal province, South Africa. With the body bag on the floor, the women handed over the insurance paperwork and his death certificate to the horrified staff. And it took just one phone call to get the family’s insurance claim honored. The women’s drastic measures worked immediately unlike all their previous requests. Old Mutual agents contacted upper management and the payout was quickly approved on the spot. Old Mutual sent out an apology on Twitter in response to the video going viral. Old Mutual continued their apology in subsequent tweets, “We take note of this incident and would like to assure our customers that claims are assessed on an individual basis and the incident at this branch whilst isolated is regrettable.” The company then assured the public they try to process claims as quickly as possible. “While we make every attempt to settle claims as speedily as possible, this specific claim had to undergo further assessments. Old Mutual strives to pay claims speedily... 99% of funeral claims are paid within 8 hours once all requirements are met.” Their tweets did little to quell the distress and outrage the disturbing video caused. Customers are questioning the company’s integrity and vowing to cancel their policies with them. Old Mutual later pinned their official statement to the top of their Twitter profile. The official apology was posted by View News with attempts to explain the company’s actions. “The claim was not delayed because Old Mutual doubted that a death had occurred. It was delayed because it was referred for further individual assessment.” “Although every attempt was made to settle the claim as speedily as possible, we are deeply sorry for the delay. We are committed to doing better and we will be taking steps to accelerate and improve the way we verify those claims that need to be assessed further. Old Mutual will also continue to engage the family and provide any necessary support.'” There are no details yet on how Old Mutual plans on supporting Mhlongo’s family, or if the family plans on taking legal action.
A few months ago at the Global Climate Strike their were signs that gave us hope for the future...
Man, I can barely read that sign. It says, "Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself." There were some signs that were snarky...
Hahahaha. Do you kids like Hot Pockets? You might like this new flavor...
Literally Hot Pockets. Ouch! If I had a TARDIS I would think it'll be cool to go and meet Lou Gehrig. But knowing my luck he'd be dressed as Tarzan instead of playing baseball.
But I'd still tell hi they named a disease after him. Wasn't he boinking Marilyn Monroe? Am I thinking of someone else? I'm sure someone will email me telling me. Benn to your local library lately? They don't make children's books like this anymore...
Ha. That's almost funny. That little boy could be me when I was that age. Hey, it's Thursday... you know what that means.
Ewe! Ack! Okay, that's really, really disgusting. I really have to apologize. That might be the worst one yet. All right, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.
Me: Hiya, Jeff, welcome to the Phile for Week 12... how are you?
Jeff: Hey, Jason. Always happy to be back here on the Phile talking a little phootball, except maybe this week. But we will certainly get into that in a bit. I'm doing alright, how about yourself?
Me: I'm good. Okay, so, today's pheatured guest is Tom Kenny who plays SpongeBob... were you ever a SpongeBob fan?
Jeff: I honestly can't say I have never seen an episode of SpongeBob. I respect Mr. Kenny though for his role as the dude who lives in a pineapple under the sea. Imma head out now. Still one of my favorite memes. Beats that annoying woman screams at cat meme. So tired of that one. Moving on.
Me: I don't understand any of them. Haha. Okay, let's talk about the biggest football news this week as I know you're dying to talk about it. If any of my readers missed it there was a wild brawl on Thursday Night Football between the Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers, we found out that Myles Garrett was suspended indefinitely, Maurkice Pouncey was suspended for 3 games and Larry Ogunjobi was suspended for a game. Steelers QB Mason Rudolph was also fined. But the NFL isn’t done handing down fines. According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the NFL will be issuing fines to roughly 10 players for leaving the bench area and running onto the field. Okay, let's break this down... Jeff, explain what happened...
Jeff: Yeah, we will be talking about this incident for a very long time. Here's what happened. Mason Rudolph had a shitty game. There's no other way to say it. With about 8 seconds left in the game, Myles Garrett hit Rudolph well after he had thrown the ball. The two wrestled on the ground. Rudolph, trying to get Garrett off him kicked him in the man area (which after what we saw, can't be that big of a target) and was grabbing at his helmet. When the two players got up, Garrett grabbed Rudolph's helmet in retaliation and after getting pushed by one of the Steelers OL, Garrett swung Rudolph's helmet, hitting him in the head. Maurice Pouncey, the Steelers Center, went ballistic on Garrett, knocking him down and kicking him while he was down. That's when the players stormed the field and all hell broke loose.
Me: You're a Steelers fan, my friend, how do you feel about all this?
Jeff: How do I feel? I feel like Myles Garrett is the dirtiest player in the league. He has no excuse for using a helmet as a weapon and striking a man in the head. The NFL is doing all it can to reduce concussions, well Garrett felt the opposite. It was a chippy game up to that point with several other injuries (more on that later too) and another player getting ejected for targeting a defenseless receiver. And if this was Garrett's first infraction it would be different. It's not. He had been fined two other times this year alone for cheap hits.
Me: Some people are blaming Rudolph for the whole incident... what do you think about that?
Jeff: Rudolph was not innocent in all this. Do I think he should have been suspended as well? Yeah, I do. Not so much for the kick in the tiny junk area, but trying to take off Garrett's helmet. Besides, it would be a benefit for the Steelers considering he threw FOUR G-D INTERCEPTIONS. Please, NFL. Suspend him!
Me: So, if you were in charge what would you do?
Jeff: I think the NFL got it right, minus a Rudolph suspension. But the NFL also tends to flag more for retaliation than for some of the actual crimes as well, so there's a part of me that understands why he wasn't suspended as well.
Me: Let's talk about something different... Is Antonio Brown growing up? The free agent wide receiver took to Twitter on Tuesday morning and apologized to the New England Patriots for ripping the organization during his short tenure with the team...
Me: What do you think of this and do you think he'll be back playing football soon?
Jeff: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh wait? You were serious? Just because someone apologizes doesn't mean he's growing up. Antonio Brown realizes the only way he's going to get back in the NFL is to apologize. He apologized to New England, but not the Raiders or the Steelers? Yeah, no. He wants to earn money. He wanted to play in New England all along but knew the Steelers would never trade him there. Brown recently also tweeted "Superman never visited the ghetto." Hate to be the one to tell him this, but Superman is not real. But a guy making millions of dollars for playing a game could have done a whole lot more than Superman ever could.
Me: Do you think he'll be back?
Jeff: He met with Goodell this week. I don't know why he felt the need, it's not like he was banished from the league like someone else was. Sadly yes, I think he will be back. I don't know what team would want that locker room cancer on their team but I'm sure someone will.
Me: Speaking of coming back to play football rumor is Rob Gronkowski will be back on the Patriots Week 14. Do you think it'll happen?
Jeff: I don't know where you heard that because as of Tuesday, Gronk went on record to say he might come back but if he did it wouldn't be this year. Instead he's throwing a Super Bowl Party in Miami the day of the big game. No word if Tide Pods is sponsoring it!
Me: A bunch of teams is also looking at Colin Kaepernick. Do you think he'll be playing again soon?
Jeff: Speaking of people banished from the league for no reason, I hope some team would sign Kaepernick. If for nothing else than to help defenses get ready for a guy like Lamar Jackson. There are a lot of teams that could use a QB right now (cough Pittsburgh) so here's hoping.
Me: Okay, so, what NFL news do you have this week? There were quite a few injuries, right?
Jeff: Yeah, a lot of injuries happened this week including in Pittsburgh which saw Juju Smith-Shuster get concussed (and a leg injury) and James Conner coming back too soon so he's out as well. The Browns also lost a DB for the year. It's to the point in the season where their bodies are starting to wear down a bit. I'd say the biggest would be Eagles OL Lane Johnson who is their best player is recovering from a concussion.
Me: So, America has once again gotten another team back from England and made the logo and name more patriotic...
Me: What do you think?
Jeff: While I like the design, I think the people in Dallas will have an issue with the new team name?
Me: Okay, so, how did we do last week? You're still in the lead, right? It's my birthday week so I hope I will catch up. Haha.
Jeff: I am still in the lead. We both went 1-1 for the week with the Steelers loss and the Giants on a bye week. I'm still leading by 11 points.
Me: Ugh! This week I will say Jets by 3 and Falcons by 4. What do you say?
Jeff: I'm going to say Bills 6 and Titans by 3.
Me: Okay, I will see you back here next Friday to talk more football but this Saturday it's my birthday entry and I'd like you to be a part of it. I want you to come the Phile and say something about how we met and you favorite story about me. It's totally up to you. Take care and talk to you soon.
Jeff: Of course I will be a part of your birthday celebration. Before I let you go I just want to say fuck Myles Garrett. See you Saturday.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Really. I don't get it myself. Okay, so there's this local teacher who is always so cheerful no matter what happens. He hasn't stopped by recently but today he decided to. So, please once again welcome to the Phile...
Me: Hello, Mr. Cylance, how are you?
Mr. Cylance: Hello, Jason, I am good.
Me: So, anything exciting happened at school?
Mr. Cylance: Yeah, this child dropped his pants and took off his shitty underwear and gave it to me. Can I say "shitty"?
Me: Sure you can.
Mr. Cylance: I'm glad. Anyway, I didn't realize it's possible for a 6-year-old to still NOT be potty trained.
Me: I don't know a lot about kids, but... six is too old.
Mr. Cylance: That's what I thought. Well, I have to get back to school, Jason. Have a fantastic day and happy early birthday!
Me: Thanks. Mr. Cylance, kids, the happiest teacher around.
The 109th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Chrissy will be the guest on the Phile in a few weeks.
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Can you guess who the two guests will be? I'm very excited about this!
I'm very excited about this! Today's pheatured guest is an American actor, voice artist, and comedian. He is known for voicing the title character in the "SpongeBob SquarePants" TV series, video games, and films. Please welcome to the Phile... Tom Kenny!
Me: Hey, Tom, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Tom: Thanks for having me, man, it's great to be on. I'm a big fan of your blog and a big Foghat fan as well. Your dad rocked, dude. And I loved your interview with Jim Cummings by the way.
Me: Wow! Thanks. Have you ever worked with Jim?
Tom: Yeah, we've literally been joined at the hip as CatDog. I was the canine half of CatDog and Jim was the cat. And we worked on the Disney animated movie Winnie the Pooh in 2011 where I got to be Rabbit and he was Pooh and Tigger as well. He's one of my favorites. People are always surprised that the voice over community in L.A. actually hang out. We actually go to each other's birthday party's and goof around.
Me: So, do you ever hang out with Bill Fagerbakke who plays Patrick?
Tom: Yeah, I do and it blows people's minds. "You actually hang out together! This is the greatest thing!" It's like Rocky and Bullwinkle paling around together. And of course I kinda look like SpongeBob and Bill kinda looks like Patrick. He's about 6'9 and you can't hide that voice. That's pretty much his real voice and I'm just a dweeby guy with glasses so for some reason it makes people happy to see us hanging out together.
Me: How often do you break into character to mess with the kids around you?
Tom: Oh, man, not that often because I don't want to 'cause them trauma so they'd have to sit on a psychiatrist couch for the rest of their life. "That weird little man is talking like SpongeBob!"
Me: You were on "Rocko's Modern Life," a show I only saw a few times, but I do have some Rocko socks. Haha. Did you have a lot of memories working on that show?
Tom: Yeah, I do, I do have some good memories of working on "Rocko's Modern Life." It was my first series, so I have a lot of memories of that. Really it was notable for me because it was the place where I first met the late Steve Hillenburg, who created SpongeBob and where I met Mr. Lawrence who played Plankton and played Filburt the turtle on "Rocko's Modern World." He was the storyboard guy, a really talented storyboard artist, and I met him there. Then I went on to do "Camp Lazlo" for Cartoon Network. Joe Murray really had a good eye for up and coming talent and also was great about letting everybody bring that they could to the party. He was the opposite of an ego-maniac, he was very collaborative. It was really a great experience on "Rocko's Modern World."
Me: Who did you play on "Rocko's Modern Life," Tom? Not Rocko, right?
Tom: I got to play Heffer Wolfe, the yellow steer. That was a real hoot. I played a lot of yellow characters. Haha. I remember the voice of Heffer was based at the time on my 13-year-old nephew who sounded like he was on the verge of always starting to laugh. Now he'd a father to, so that was a long time ago.
Me: Who played Rocko?
Tom: Rocko was played by Carlos Alazraqui who your older readers might remember he was on "Reno 911" on Comedy Central. I have known Carlos from back when we were both stand ups in Northern California, San Francisco Bay area. Carlos was from Sacramento, California and I just ran into him at a stand-up gig in the 80s sometime... '86 or '87. And he and I got along really well and it was Carlos Alazraqui who recommended me to Joel Murray. He said I was a funny guy, I want to break into voice-overs, I like cartoons, I'm an animation fan and he should give me a listen, I should read for some characters which I did. So that was my first series.
Me: Was there anybody you were thrilled to work with?
Tom: Charlie Adler, who played Ed Bighead on that show was the seasoned professional. He was the guy who had done all kids of stuff, He had done "Tiny Toons" and all kind of stuff and we were all kind of rank amateurs just starting out. He was kind of imitating because he had done so much and he was so fast. He was the guy I looked at and thought I better up my game here. This guy is going to leave me in the dust, he's amazing. Me and Carlos thought that was the guy we want to inspire to be. He was the guy who could do three characters at the same time and do all three parts of the conversation himself with no cutting.
Me: What was the most fun you had on that Rocko show?
Tom: Joe Murray was really nice in letting us place a lot of different characters. In addition to Heffer I got to be airline pilots and bus drivers and superheroes and all kinds of things. I felt like the show really helped me broaden my range, experimenting with all different voices and characters.
Me: Why did the Rocko show end, Tom?
Tom: Rocko ended after three seasons, which is pretty much the life-span of a kids animated show. They figured they got another to run forever. The audience has grown out of it and there's a new one coming along, so they don't need to spend money making new ones.
Me: Okay, let's talk about SpongeBob, who is celebrating 20 years this year. How did you get that part?
Tom: Stephen Hillenburg, who was the creative director on "Rocko's Modern Life," again he had never worked on a series before, Joe Murray hired him on Rocko. Rocko went away and Stephen Hillenburg was looking to pitch his own show to Nickelodeon and he had me come over to his apartment and showed me this thing he was working on called "SpongeBoy." And he just had the whole thing worked out beautiful epic pen and ink watercolors type personality break downs of the characters. It was all there. It was like watching the SpongeBob show but it was on paper, it was drawn and nobody had ever seen it. I just fell in love with it immediately and he said he wanted me to be SpongeBob. By the way, this is the only time this had happened to me. He said, "You're the guy, I'm not interested in listening to anybody, I'm not going to audition a whole lot of different actors, I have no interest in that, Tom. You're the guy. You're the voice I have in my head. The other characters I have no idea who is going to play them but you're SpongeBob. I just want you to know that. I'll fight for that." And he did. We made this little seven minute show, he casted all the other characters brilliantly. He had a really good instinct for casting the voices. This little seven minute short became a series several years later. We did the pilot in '97 and it became a series in 1999, and it took a season to really get going. But before we knew it this little short we made in 1997 really conquered the world. It was just everywhere.
Me: What was it like when you started to see the show get popular?
Tom: It was really thrilling when I started to see the merchandise. There's a SpongeBob backpack, I cannot believe it. Now of course you can't name a product that doesn't have SpongeBob's image on it. I saw a nipple piercing ring with SpongeBob's image on it, that really cracked me up. I guess that's when you know when a character is really merchandisable, when they say, "Hey, Nickelodeon. we're going to give you some money to put SpongeBob's on a nipple pierce, and belly button ring. Whatever it is." And now we are going into the 13th season, and next year there's gonna be anew movie, so it's still going strong.
Me: That's so cool! Tom, I know you have to go. Please, please come back on the Phile again soon. This was way too short.
Tom: Yeah, cool, we'll do this again and talk about "Adventuretime" and a whole bunch of other stuff. Please let's talk again.
Me: Yeah. Thank you, Tom.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. I will definitely have Tom back again. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Tom Kenny. The Phile will be back on Saturday for My Phifty-Phirst Birthday Entry Pheaturing Juliana Hatfield. I have been wanting her on the Phile for years. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
No comments:
Post a Comment