The 900th Entry Pheaturing Phile Alum Bryan Bassett From Foghat

Hey there, welcome to the Phie for Father's Day, people. Not only is it Father's Day but this is the Phile's 900th entry. Nine. Hundred. Beat that other bloggers. Hahaha. When Father's Day first started it was called You Knocked Up Mom Day. Of course you know my dad passed away, but I still wanna say to him dad, thanks for being slightly less embarrassing than all the other dads. Well, if this don't beat all. On October 13th, 2015, a 14-year-old girl in Lansing, Michigan was sexually assaulted at school by a boy her same age, and then suspended for 10 days for "lewd and lascivious behavior." She was suspended. The girl. Yep. The girl, identified only as Jane Doe, filed a complaint with the police saying she was "violently and forcibly assaulted" in a stairwell of Eastern High School. The attack was caught on a security camera. She didn't even report the assault to school authorities at first, though, because she thought she'd get in trouble. But the following day, the boy did report the incident, adding that the girl's boyfriend was threatening him. When called in to give her side of the story, Doe told the school's safety officer that the unnamed boy, identified as John Roe, "had taken her into the stairwell, took his penis out of his pants, masturbated himself, forced her to rub his penis, and attempted to force his penis into her mouth." She claimed she'd consented to none of this. After watching the security camera footage, the school decided that she was an "active participant," because it didn't look like she was resisting. As a result, both she and her attacker were suspended for 10 days for "lewd and lascivious behavior," and the boy was transferred to another school. The girl's mother, however, disputed the school's suspension, and filed a report with the Lansing Police Department. On October 22nd, Doe and her parents met with Sharon McWilliams, a student services specialist. McWilliams watched the footage and came to the conclusion that Doe actually didn't consent, but that she didn't try hard enough to stop it. Doe asked McWilliams, "What did you expect me to do, hit him?" to which McWilliams reportedly said, "No, you should not have hit him, but you could have said to him, 'Is that all you've got?,'" meaning his penis size. Interesting defense plan.
Doe's suspension stood, and she was told that she couldn't come back to school until, as her lawyer Karen Truszkowski said, "they could put a plan in place to 'curb her behavior.'" So basically, Doe had to first learn how not to get sexually assaulted in the future. Good luck with that. Broadly spoke to Neena Chaudhry, the director of education and senior counsel with the National Women's Law Center, who said, "The data shows that girls and boys are being sexually assaulted at every level of education. It's a nationwide problem. Schools have Title IX obligations to investigate promptly when they learn about a sexual assault. It doesn't sound like that's what happened here. It sounds like a lot of things went wrong." So now Jane Doe and Truszkowski are suing the school district for failure to properly investigate the assault, failure to adequately train supervisors, and failing to provide a procedure for students to file complaints of sexual violence. Truszkowski told Broadly, "My hope is that [this case] will settle without going to a trial. Hopefully the school will take a look at their policies and take some steps to create policies that comply with Title IX." Yes. That would probably be a good idea.
A new study conducted by the lingerie company Bluebella (who else?) sought to put the minds of many newlyweds at ease by revealing exactly how many couples actually summon the energy to have sex on their wedding nights. Bluebella's crack team of lingerie researchers surveyed 1,000 married couples to find out exactly when they first consummated their marital bed. The results may come as a surprise, except to married people. They know what's up. According to the study, only 48% of married couples had sex on their wedding night. That's less than half, for anybody who's extremely bad at math. Of the rest, about a third finally did the deed the next morning, while ten percent waited 48 hours or more before finally, begrudgingly, getting laid. The 52% of participants in the survey who waited to have sex were asked for their reasons, which tended to break down on gender lines. Most women said they were too tired, although some said they were too drunk, they wanted the moment to be special (i.e. they were not drunk enough), or they had to travel for their honeymoon. Men, on the other hand, were mostly just too drunk. Or they still wanted to party with their groomsbros.
84% of respondents said that when they finally did have sex, it lived up to their expectations, which is an encouraging number. Part of that may have to do with the 89% of brides who said they bought special lingerie just for the wedding night. Did you have sex on your wedding night? Send me an email to let me know, and make sure to cc your spouse on it. I want to watch the ensuing fight. Hahaha.
On Thursday, Justin Bieber learned one of life's basic truths: no matter how many tattoos they have, nobody looks cool falling into a hole. During his show in Saskatoon, Bieber was walking down the stage when he suddenly disappeared from sight. As you can just start to hear in the video, it only made the screaming fans scream even louder. And while they were probably screaming because they were startled, it definitely sounds like they're screaming because they think falling into a hole is super sexy. After he climbed out of the poorly-placed stage pit, Bieber noted, "Good thing I'm like a cat and I landed on my feet." Great ad lib, Biebs. You should try improv! One thing, however, is never explained: why the stage in a major concert venue had a hole in the middle of it in the first place. Hopefully this is the inspiration for a series of Justin Bieber-based mystery stories. Like I said before here, no matter what you think of the Biebs, I like him... he's a Foghat fan...

Miss Great Britain is being decrowned for being deflowered. Zara Holland, the beauty queen who received the Miss Great Britain title, has been stripped of her crown after she was shown having sex on the reality show "Love Island." The show "Love Island" is exactly what it sounds like: 12 single people are placed on an island and inevitably start mating. Twenty-year-old Holland had consensual sex with a fellow contestant. The Miss Great Britain organization said since Holland had engaged in consensual P-in-V action, they could no longer promote her as a "positive role model" who embodies the values of the U.K. pageant system. “We wholly understand that everyone makes mistakes, but Zara, as an ambassador for Miss Great Britain, simply did not uphold the responsibility expected of the title," the statement concludes. People are pissed and are accusing the Miss Great Britain organization of sexism. In a follow-up statement that is hilariously straightforward, the Miss Great Britain organization confirmed their position on sex. "To be clear we have no problem at all with sex... it is perfectly natural.We simply can't condone what happened on national TV." Fellas, here's a picture of Zara Holland for you...

Happy Father's Day.
Great news! Porn isn't just for people who can watch porn anymore. In a new endeavor branded with the altruistic phrase "PornHub Cares," PornHub is making a move that is equal parts ingenuity and brute capitalism by appealing to the one audience base it hasn't been able to capture yet: the visually impaired. For obvious reasons, there's a lot to be missed in porn if you are limited visually. Sure, you can hear the occasional sex sounds, but if you can't see, how are you supposed to be able to tell the difference between the sound of slapping balls and somebody forming hamburger patties? PornHub has decided they can do better. Enter their new porn category, "Descriptive Porn." Pornhub's taken their most popular films in varying genres and described them in detail for those who can't see. "Each video includes special narration that has been tailored and crafted to give the user full enjoyment of the scene," CNN reported based on a statement from PornHub. "The original audio remains intact but will act as an underscore to the scene." So basically, descriptive porn is to the blind as closed captioning is to the deaf. Strictly out of journalistic integrity, I have decided to check out the NSFW versions, just to make sure PornHub is really doing its job. Here's a still image and related caption from a particularly artistic film. Enjoy.

"...You can also see the silhouette of a coniferous tree beside her... or a bush... so it looks like she is outside of an apartment, doing a dance for us." Yup, it's all there, even acknowledgment for all the hard work of the porn set designer. Of course, descriptive porn has applications beyond meeting the needs of the visually impaired. This is something you can listen to on your headphones at work while your screen shows you are writing an article, for example. Your bosses will never know.
So, do you kids like video games? My son does... he's probably playing one right now. There's a new video game that just came out that is supposed to be very good.

Speaking of video games, have you seen this ad for one?

I am so confused. Hey, so, are you kids watching the new season of "Orange is the New Black"? I started watching the first season  week ago or so and I like it. Well, the fourth season just started and this time it's a little different.

Hmmmm. Never mind. Man, it's so hot out there, even the sun looks angry.

Actual picture of the real sun. Hahaha. So, that new Finding Dory movie came out. I don't wanna spoil anything for you, but she was found...

It's the 10th anniversary year of the year and like I said the 900th entry so occasionally this year I am showing you pictures of people what they look like reading the Phile. Like this pretty girl...

Well, it's Father's Day and Bryan from Foghat is here on the Phile today, and just because... here's a cool pic of my dad.

Okay, so, my son Logan is visiting for a week and we were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together. Well, that show is not what I remember it to be. So, here's a pheature called...

"Well, unless you're planning to release this autobiography posthumously, you might want to omit those chapters about your role in the Oklahoma Girl Scout Murder, Bert." "Fuck you, I;m expanding those chapters."

Haha. That's a fun one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Well, as you know it's Father's Day... so a friend of the Phile wanted to talk about his dad. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good morning, humans. There was once this amazing being who walked amongst you. He was a ferocious young man who drove a '56 Chevy and wore a white t-shirt and jeans. He smoked Pall Mall no filters. He was tough as a coffin nail and took no guff from any fool. He was feared and respected by men and desired by women. At age 18 he met a woman at a party and hooked up with her. She became pregnant with child and he did what was referred to at that time as "the right thing"...  he married her. This was in 1961, when he was a senior at Martin Van Buren High School in Queens, New York. When his son was born he worked at the local lumber yard while studying at the N.Y.P.D. police academy. He graduated at the top of his class and became a highly decorated and founding member of the N.Y.P.D. Street Crime Unit. He had TV movies made about him and his partner "Muggable Mary" Grotzel (Google it). He was featured in "LIFE Magazine" in 1972 and tragically left this planet at age 56. His passions were drag racing his Chevy, beautiful women, protecting the innocent and caring for his family... I called him father. Happy Father's Day.

Father's Day
Father's Day is an annual worldwide holiday honoring fathers for 20 seconds until they hand the phone to mom and go back to watching "NCIS."

The 49th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum, friend and author will be a guest on the Phile tomorrow. Okay, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive People Who Went To See Finding Dory
5. Mrs. Paul and her significant other, The Gorton's Fisherman.
4. Perverted ichthyologists hoping to see some serious fish-on-fish action.
3. Recently freed SeaWorld orcas, thrilled to finally have a night on the town.
2. James Brant, whose son Malcolm animated the kelp at the 32-minute mark, and just couldn't e prouder.
And the number one people who went to see Finding Dory are...
1. Bouillabaisse aficionados.

Okay, here we go... today's pheatured guest is a Phile Alum, great friend and the lead guitarist for my favorite band in the world... Foghat. They're new CD "Under the Influence" comes out on June 24th. Please welcome back to the Phile... Bryan Bassett.

Me: Bryan! Hello, sir. Welcome back to the Phile. How are you?

Bryan: I'm doing well, Jason. My girls are glad to be on summer vacation and we are beginning a busy summer touring season. We have an upcoming CD release... so full steam ahead.

Me: Last time you were here was for the Phile's 400th entry back in 2011. It's been awhile. It's now the 900th entry. So, what do you think? Crazy, right?

Bryan: Wow, has it been 5 years... time is really flying by. Congratulations on 900 entries to the Phile. That is a lot of interviews... very cool.

Me: Okay, before we talk about Foghat and the new album "Under the Influence" I have to talk about Earl & The Agitators the other band you are currently in. I recently interviewed Earl's lead singer Scott Holt and he said you actually came up with the band name. How did you come up with it, Bryan?

Bryan: Roger and I were staying with friends in Nashville while we along with Scott Holt did some recording at Dark Horse Institute, a recording engineering school. Our good friend Tom Mix was looking for some artists to record for his final graduation project, Roger, Scott and I volunteered. We were so pleased with the outcome we decided to release some of the songs. As we were sitting around the dining room table sharing a glass of wine trying to decide what to call this project... the name Earl and the Agitators just popped into my head. We all started laughing and decided that everyone in the band should be named Earl... we had backstage passes made with Earl #1, Earl #2, Earl #3... and guest passes that say "I'm with Earl"... haha! This whole thing is just a fun project and an opportunity to play with our friend Scott Holt. We have been writing and recording a lot of songs together and the Agitators is a way for us to put some of it out there for people to hear.

Me: Did you have any other names you thought of?

Bryan: No, not really... it literally happened in about ten minutes.

Me: Did you have fun recording the Earl EP?

Bryan: Absolutely. Scott and I have a very natural guitar chemistry and along with Rog we just have a good time playing. Dark House Institute where we did the sessions is a great facility with a very professional staff and working with the students was a blast. I spent a couple years teaching at Daytona State College in a very similar program so I enjoyed the teaching environment. We had so much fun that we decided to finish the Foghat record at their main studio Dark Horse Studios in Franklin, Tennessee just outside of Nashville.

Me: It started off as a small project but is growing into something bigger, right?

Bryan: Right you are... between the Nashville sessions and many other tracks recorded at our studio in Florida I have well over an albums worth of material. So more Agitator music is coming at some point.

Me: I saw the Earls open for Foghat recently as you know and I have to admit, it was kinda weird, seeing the Agitators open for Foghat as the only difference was the lead singer. Haha. But both bands are different. How would you compare both bands?

Bryan: Well, the Agitators gives us the opportunity to play more... haha. Plus we get to play material that we enjoy and that would be out of place in a Foghat set.

Me: What's cool is that Scott sings on a few tracks on Foghat's new CD... which is like Agitators are on the new Foghat CD. I'm so confused. Hahaha. Anyway, was it planned for that to happen?

Bryan: It really wasn't planned at all it just naturally evolved. The whole thing is just a mashup and an extension of Foghat. Charlie sits in on the Agitator set, Scott sits in on the Foghat set and as you mentioned Scott guests on our upcoming CD. It all is really just us enjoying playing music together as a band and having friends join in with us on occasion.

Me: I love that. Scott said that there's some big names asking to be in the band but couldn't say who... can you?

Bryan: Well, the concept of having a boatload of Earls to make a band at any given time is something many of our friends thought was a fun idea. We wanted Scott to be Earl #1 and fill in guys as needed. We have our hands full, Rog and I, with Foghat and Scott with his own band so we'll just have to see what the Agitators get up to. We don't have any big name announcements at this time. But we are a secretive outfit who may agitate your town at a moments notice with any number of Earls. Haha.

Me: On the EP you play bass, right? How long have you been playing bass?

Bryan: I've been a closet bass player for many years mostly on sessions and home demos. I dig playing bass and groovin' with the drummer. I actually played bass in Molly Hatchet for a few weeks when we were in between players. That was a real baptism of fire as playing a full set live was quite a bit different than the occasional session. Mostly... ouch... my fingers.

Me: I don't think I asked you this before, but how old were you when you started playing guitar?

Bryan: I was one of the thousands of kids that got a guitar as a result of the Beatles and Stones playing on the Ed Sullivan show. I got really serious at 15-16 and received some excellent instruction from a big band guitarist, an older Italian gentleman named Jerry Conderato in Pittsburgh. As I remember his eldest daughter was a hottie and a smokin' guitarist... all his students tried to impress her... haha... seriously I just remembered that.

Me: What do you prefer? Slide, rhythm or lead, Bryan?

Bryan: I like all three equally. I've worked really hard on my slide playing to cover the Foghat tunes as best I can. Rod was a monster. When your dad asked if I played slide I of course said... oh yeah... I play slide all the time... haha. A bit of a fib but I wanted very much to work with your dad so I dove into slide with a passion at that time. In general though rhythm guitar is truly the most important skill particularly in the studio.

Me: Rod Price the original lead guitarist for Foghat used a glass slide... do you do the same?

Bryan: I have used many kinds of slides over the years and literary own dozens. Glass, brass, and steel but for many years now I've been using a custom ceramic slide made by Doc at Rocky Mountain Slide Co. who has graciously made a signature model for me.

Me: Okay, let's talk about "Under the Influence," the new Foghat CD. This CD took awhile to be made, am I right?

Bryan: Yes indeed. It took a while as we were in no particular hurry at first and wrote and recorded at our leisure on breaks in our touring schedule at our studio in Florida. We sort of hit critic mass last year when we amassed enough material to move forward. Having Tom Hambridge come in as a writer and producer got things moving in high gear. We set a deadline and set a schedule... both good things when trying to complete a project and we ended in real flurry of activity and creative output. 

Me: There's some cool guests on the album... Kim Simmonds from Savoy Brown (who I need to get back on the Phile real soon), Nick Jameson who was in Foghat for awhile and Dana Fuchs who was in the movie Across the Universe just to name a few. Okay, the first two I mentioned I can see but Dana? How the hell did that happen?

Bryan: As luck would have it we had the pleasure of seeing her perform on the Rock Legends Cruise that we both did last year. I loved her movie role and when a couple tracks seemed like they would benefit from a female vocalist Dana just popped into our minds. She is a killer singer and a very cool person.

Me: You know, I was supposed to be on the album playing kazoo but I couldn't go up to Tennessee to record... maybe the next album. Hahaha. What do you think?

Bryan: Foghat never had a kazoo solo before. I am truly looking forward to hearing a kazoo miked up through a Marshall stack...we are gonna do it, Jason. Haha.

Me: The album has some covers and some new tracks... how hard was it to choose which songs to do, Bryan?

Bryan: Not too hard really. We have a habit of bursting into any number of cover songs when we sound check at shows. Every once in a while we go... hey... that was pretty cool... so we put it in the back of our minds for when we get into the studio.

Me: Are their any covers that you guys were supposed to put on the album but didn't?

Bryan: We have several Johnny Cash covers in the can... they may see the light of day sometime... wink wink.

Me: The album ends with a new version of "Slow Ride" with a chorus of people that bid on for a Pledge. first off, how did the Pledge go? When Roger was here on the Phile we talked about the Pledge, but explain what it was.

Bryan: The Pledge went great. It was our first foray into crowd funding which in it's essence is a way for our fans to preorder the new CD. The cool part is having our fans get involved with the CD as it is being worked on and a lot of extra ways for us to meet people and have some fun with our supporters.

Me: How did you get all those people that pledged to sing the chorus into the studio?

Bryan: The singers that got in on the "Slow Ride" chorus recorded themselves at home and drop boxed their wav. file vocal track to us which I added to the Protools session of the song. They were mixed into the song and they sounded excellent.

Me: You have played on a few Foghat albums now, Bryan. Which one is your favorite?

Bryan: I like all the albums we've put out since I became a member but two of my favorite tracks are songs I never played on. Your dad and I used to write songs as we traveled together on the road. "Angel of Mercy" and "Play Dirty" were two songs we co-wrote and were recorded before I rejoined the band. Those days writing with your dad are very special personal memories for me.

Me: You have been playing some new songs in the last few Foghat shows... how are the audiences taking them?

Bryan: They have been received very well and blend very nicely into the set.

Me: Okay, I have to mention Wild Cherry, the band you were originally in. The song that the band is known for "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" wasn't supposed to be a single, right?

Bryan: That whole experience was the coolest thing for me as a young musician. The song is truly autobiographical. Someone actually said that to us at a club... you better start playing some funky music, white boy... haha. We were a cover rock group, a good one, but the music was moving in a dance direction. We wrote and recorded that song hoping to get a Commodore feel. We thought rock sounds and funk beats was a great sound direction. It was the B-side of a self produced session.

Me: Kinda like "Slow Ride" wash;t supposed to be a single... I love rock and roll history trivia. Anyway, "Play That Funky Music..." has a great story how that song came to be. Is what I heard true?

Bryan: We really just wanted to crack the local jukeboxes and we put it out as the B-side of a cover song. A label exec in Cleveland just happened to hear the track and we got signed to a record deal. The song broke in Atlanta when a DJ flipped the 45 over and started playing our original. The song blew up pretty fast. We went from the clubs to arenas in about 6 months. The best part was touring with the premiere funk artists of the day.

Me: Alright, real quick, football... I'm a Giants fan, you're a Steelers fan... any predictions for this season, Bry?

Bryan: Both of our teams are going to win their divisions. Go Steelers. Go Giants.

Me: Okay, so this being the Phile's 10th anniversary year I am asking my Alum guests what they were doing ten years ago in 2006. So, what were you doing?

Bryan: Ten years ago.... hmmmm... let's check the memory banks. According to my old show sheets we had a busy touring season, much like we have now. I was also working on a few outside projects as an engineer. My girls were so much younger, Jordan was 3, Brynn 7 and Melissa was only 14 then. Really crazy to look back to that time... they were such cutie pies. I was so blessed to have my wife Julie looking after the girls while I galavanted across the country. Even then I was the oldest guy in the grade school pickup line... haha... hey is that your grandad. According to some old pictures I was wearing some awful nerdy looking glasses... big suckers. I had a cool ponytail then though... tragically lost in a hair clipper accident a couple years ago. Haha. So all in all it has been a rather consistent flow of time. A beautiful thing.

Me: Very cool, Bryan. Alright, mention your website or anything else you wanna. Thanks for coming back on the Phil for the 900th entry. Please come back again soon and tell the other guys in Foghat I said hello.

Bryan: Foghat.net for all current Foghat stuff. Foghat.com for all the great Foghat history. It was great seeing you in person a couple times this year. Thanks for giving me the 900 spot, I'm honored. I look forward to seeing you sometime this summer. All the best to your family. I will send your hellos to everyone. Kazoo man... we need more kazoo.

Me: Yep. I agree. Thans, Bryan, happy Father's Day. Take care.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Laird Jim and of course Bryan. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum and friend Jeff Trelewicz. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Happy Father's Day.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Aiym

Hello, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. I am Jason, and my stent is lower longer in. Here's to Senator Chris Murphy for doing more work in one day than most members of Congress have done this year. A 15-hour Senate filibuster is no match for my daily output of wasted time. So, the Orlando shooter sent a dude dick pics, which is another good reason not to send dick pics. As information surrounding Orlando shooter Omar Mateen comes to light, it becomes increasingly apparent that he was a regular at gay clubs, hung out on gay dating apps, and might actually have been struggling with his sexuality. One of the people who saw Mateen on a gay dating app was Orlando resident Cord Cedeno, who told TMZ that he first connected with Mateen on Grindr. According to Cedeno, when Mateen reached out to him over messages, he just said "Hi," over and over. If that is the mark of a killer, then there must be thousands of people in filtered Facebook messages for the FBI to investigate. Cedeno says he eventually blocked Mateen on account of his creepiness (understood), but knows four friends who remained in contact with him on other dating apps. Specifically, Adam4Adam, where Mateen was sending out faceless dick pics. It's unclear how Cedeno is certain that the dick pics in question belonged to the killer, but TMZ's verbiage suggests he was identified by the tie Mateen wore in his Grindr profile pic. This is just all more reason to save every dick pic you get. You never know when someone's wang will be relevant to the FBI.
Great news for everyone who hates children: an elementary school in Alabama just stamped a child's arm with the phrase "I need lunch money!"

Ugh... that smiley face is so passive-aggressive. Jon Bivens didn't think much of it at first when his third grade son came home from Gardendale Elementary School with a smiley face stamped on his arm. "I thought it was a good job stamp," he told AL.com. Then, when he read it closely, he realized it read, "I need lunch money." WTF. How are you gonna stamp a child with message like that? "They herd these kids like cattle," Bivens said. "He's been branded." Damn right. Comparisons between the public school system and factory farms ring truer by the day. Now they are branding children. "It's a form of bullying and shaming the kids," Bivens continued. "When you start stamping a message on a child's body instead of calling... it's not okay." No kidding. There are so many levels of wrongness going on here. First of all, this is obviously humiliating. A family's finances shouldn't have to be the child's concern. And they definitely shouldn't be the concern of all of his classmates who, let's assume, know how to read. Secondly, he's a third grade child, not a giant carrier pigeon. And even carrier pigeons have their messages written on a piece of paper, not their wing. How could this possibly be the school's best method of communication? What kind of education are these children getting when the extent of the school's technology ends at a rubber stamp? Someone should stamp the principal's arm with "I need Internet access." Thirdly... and least importantly but we are already here... what the hell is going on with the message being in the first-person? We know that kid didn't stamp himself. Is "I need lunch money" supposed to be cute, like it was his idea? Knock it off, he's not a dog you're trying to make famous on the Internet. As if this story wasn't so bizarre already, Biven's son didn't even need any money! Not that stamping a child as being cash poor is ever acceptable, but Bivens said his kid almost always brings his lunch to school and only uses his cafeteria account to buy treats. He still had $1.38 in his account, and it was the last week of school, so Bivens wasn't going to add more money right before summer. The school's principal Laura Ware tried to explain things by saying the lunchroom staff uses various forms of communication when a child is running low on funds, including calling and emailing, as well as stickers and stamps. So, what, the stamps are like when creditors start calling you late at night to harass you? In any case, Biven said he never got a call or an email this time, which you would have to assume comes before branding an 8-year-old. "I don't care if my son has a -$100 balance... I don't care," Bivens told AL.com. "Send me a note home or an email... Where can I draw the line regarding my parental rights?" He should probably draw that line right across the principal's face with a big, inky stamp.
On Monday, the administration at Patrick Henry High School in San Diego, CA found themselves frantically trying to cover up a racy picture in the yearbooks they'd just given out to students the previous Friday. They noticed just a little too late (okay, a lot too late) that in a picture of some girls in bikinis (what kind of high school is this, anyway?), the girls are making references to sex acts, using their fingers (ew) and letters written onto their arms (still ew). According to students, the girls in the picture are in a "dogpile," holding up finger signs that apparently allude to the sex act "shocker," and they've also got letters on their upper arms spelling out another sex act (which, according to the FOX News broadcast, say "[bleep] his [bleep]," so you can probably guess what that means). FOX spoke to sophomore Joseph Zizzo, who explained, "Apparently it must've just slipped its way in there" (that's what…she…said?). He added, "Most of the girls in the picture got a lot of privileges taken away." Instead of recalling the yearbooks, the school is now just giving out ones with a sticker covering up the photo. Listy Gillingham, the principal of Patrick Henry High, sent a letter to parents apologizing for the screw up. "I sincerely apologize that we did not catch the error prior to senior distribution or even before it went to print." Ah, high school. A time of innocence and personal gro... haha, just kidding. Teens gonna teen.
Pop star/"Aryan goddess" Taylor Swift, 26, and actor/Nordic god Tom Hiddleston, 35, were spotted doing some Teutonic smooching on the beach on Tuesday. Your Perfect Princess Swift just broke up with the DJ Calvin Harris a couple of weeks earlier. Harris had tweeted a nice sentiment about the break-up on June 2nd, writing "The only truth here is that a relationship came to an end & what remains is a huge amount of love and respect." He deleted that tweet and unfollowed Swift on Twitter. Previously, Swift and Hiddleston were filmed dancing together at the Met Gala, which occurred while Swift and Harris were still dating. Of course, as your grandma always used to say, dancing isn't fucking.
The cache of released documents regarding Brock Turner's January 2015 rape of an unconscious woman at Stanford has been an unending source of outrage, but it appears the final head-scratcher is the letter his mother, Carleen Turner, wrote to Judge Aaron Persky prior to sentencing. And... get this... she actually managed to write a letter even more infuriating than the one written by his father. So, so, so much more. Get some ice, 'cause your blood is gonna boil. The letter is 3.5 pages long and you can read it in full here...
pics.mcclatchyinteractive.com/news/nation-world/national/article82960937.ece/BINARY/Letter%20from%20Brock%20Turner's%20mother...
but here are some especially choice excerpts for you to hate-read (emphasis added by this very angry  blogger). Carleen starts the letter off by talking about her son, the "REAL" Brock Allen Turner, as though the one who was convicted on three felony counts for raping someone passed out behind a dumpster was somehow "fake." "He participated in Cub Scouts during grade school with Dan as his Den leader. The scouts sell popcorn in the fall and after a couple of years, Brock decided he wanted to be the top seller for our region. Dan and I do not take order forms to work, if our kids are selling a product it's on them to sell. Brock would go door to door to sell, he even got a 90-year-old lady to buy some. She couldn't eat popcorn but was impressed that Brock took the time to sit with her on her front porch and talk to her. That's the kind of kid he was—very respectful and polite." Guessing he didn't rape the 90-year-old probably toothless woman. Maybe it's because he was just a little kid and this is completely irrelevant to the case at hand. Maybe it was because she was conscious. "Our elementary school put on several programs over the years and the big one was the 6th grade musical. Brock's class did Oliver and he was chosen to play Bill Sykes, the bad guy. . . Brock wouldn't stop smiling. The teacher said he is supposed to be a mean guy and she could not get Brock to act mean. That's just him—a nice guy." Right, a nice guy who later raped an intoxicated, completely unresponsive woman on the ground behind a Dumpster (and texted photos of her breasts to his friends and fled on foot when confronted). But maybe he did it "nicely?" Maybe he had that smile on his face the whole time. You know who else smiled a lot? Ted Bundy. Just saying. "This house now reminds me of the horror of that moment [referring to the phone call from Brock on January 18th, 2015]. I have not decorated the house nor have I hung anything on the walls. I am a mom who loves family pictures but I haven't had the heart to put photos around of our family being happy. How can I? We will never be happy again. Those happy family ties are gone forever, replaced by despair, fear, depression, anxiety, doubt, and dread. I don't think I have been able to take a deep breath since this happened. My first thought upon wakening every morning is "this isn't real, this can't be real. Why him? Why HIM? WHY? WHY?" I have cried every single day since Jan. 18. . . He was a shy and awkward 19-year-old, far away from home trying to fit in with the swimmers he idolized. He is the most trust-worthy and honest person I know. He was telling the truth." Lady, if your son... who raped an unconscious woman... said he thought it was consensual, and lied in court about previous alcohol and drug use is the "most trust-worthy and honest person" you know, you need to meet some new people. Maybe consider meeting the victim, the woman whose life your son ruined. In all the wailing of "Why him?" not even one little "Why her?" "Then that awful, horrible, terrible, gut-wrenching, life-changing verdict was read. I know what a broken heart feels like. The verdict was true." Look, it is heartbreaking that your son turned out like this, but don't you ever think the victim knows a little more about what a broken heart feels like. Hi, remember your son's victim? "This verdict has destroyed us. Brock is a shattered and broken shell of the person he used to be. My once vibrant and happy boy is distraught, deeply depressed, terribly wounded, and filled with despair. His smile is gone forever-that beautiful grin is no more. When I look into his eyes I see fear and anguish. . . He is crushed that the jury ruled against him." Oh, boy. Can someone show this woman the word "perspective" in the dictionary? "Please send him a message that his life still has meaning, that you believe in him. Please give him hope. His life is forever impacted and drastically altered by the ramifications of these guilty verdicts. Ohio is one of the strictest states with the sexual offender registry. Brock will have to register at the highest tier which means he is on the same level as pedophile/child molester. There is no differentiation. . . Your honor, please be kind and merciful to my beautiful son. He is suffering and will continue to pay for this for his entire entire lifetime." Still reading? Or have you gone completely apoplectic and passed out? That would be understandable. But just think of how your passing out might affect poor Brock! Don't do this to him, since he obviously thinks he's the victim here.
You know, with the recent shootings here in Orlando and elsewhere, someone in England put up a sign that I think says pretty much how everyone feels... but in a British way...

#stopkillingpeopleyoufuckingtwats. Speaking of guns... no one needs an AR-15. Wanna know why?

I think that explains everything. So, I was out sick for a week with this bloody kidney stone business and I was watching "Jeopardy" and I saw something that kinda irritated me.

Idiots. Everyone knows it's Mario. Just kidding! It's Q-Bert. Hahaha. Hey, have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? I think she's getting ready for San Diego Comic Con or something...

Speaking of... the new Hillary and Trump joint slogan says it all...

Hey, it's Thursday, do you know what that means?

Oh, man. I really apologize. Moving on... and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this week's...

Top Phive Ways That Donald Trump Celebrated His 70th Birthday
5. Spent the day recklessly fomenting racial hatred, then hit up Dave & Buster's for a few rounds of Skee-ball.
4. Tweeted out 70 new bullshit lies about Obama.
3. Tried to choke town the cake that Melania attempted to bake...
2. Opened the birthday card from his "African-American."
And the number one way Trump celebrated his 70th birthday was...
1. Had his pal, Dr. Ben Carson, check his prostate.

Oh, Target. If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, with all those shootings that seem to happen there's always the great gun debate. Well, a friend of the Phile carries a gun so I wondered what he thought. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good afternoon, humans. On that wonderful day when we no longer have a need for anything other than love to protect us... I will never pick up a gun again. Until that day... I will be the man who discreetly carries a gun in the hopes that he will NEVER have to use it. But, don't worry... the gun will never jump from it's own holster, chamber a round, click off the safety and begin firing itself. I am in control of my gun. I am in control of my emotional stability... and any and all anger issues that may pass through my head or heart. Guns don't kill people... Bad people with guns kill people. Good people with guns kill bad people with guns. Perhaps we need more good people with guns... seems like pretty simple logic for all intelligent beings to comprehend. But, hey... I guess it's kinda hard to comprehend if you're enough of a hypocrite to make speeches about how guns are evil and should be made harder to get by law abiding citizens... while YOU walk around with a hired brute in a suit like ME to be your bodyguard and then INSIST that I be armed with a gun to keep YOU safe from bad people with guns. How the fuck do people like you even look at yourself in the mirror without laughing? LAIRD / 2016... might as well vote for an asshole like me... wouldn't be the first time. Yeah, I know... they'd have me killed within 72 hours of being sworn in... C'est la vie.

Okay, this is a new pheature that is pretty self-explanatory... it's time for Trump story. Donald Trump, the guy who would "strongly consider" reversing the legality of gay marriage, is trying really hard to convince everyone he's LGBTQ+ friendly. At a rally in Atlanta on Wednesday, Trump spoke about how Hillary Clinton's campaign took money from Saudi Arabia, a country that has anti-gay laws, and therefore all gay people must love him and hate her. He then said to "Ask the gays what they think and what they do, in, not only Saudi Arabia, but many of these countries, and then you tell me... who’s your friend Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?" As Trump's delusion that everyone loves him continues, maybe he should consider that supporting LGBTQ+ rights would get "the gays" to like him more. Maybe "the gays" would be more inclined to vote for him if he didn't oppose gay marriage and civil unions. Maybe "the gays" aren't huge Trump fans after he said he would consider rescinding gay marriage nationwide. Maybe "the gays" aren't riding the Trump train after he congratulated himself after a deadly shooting at a gay nightclub. Or, maybe... just maybe... the LGBTQ+ community doesn't want to be referred to as "the gays."

The 49th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Author, Phile Alum and friend Jeff will be a guest on the Phile on Monday.

Today's pheatured guest is a talented singer whose new single "You Must be True" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Aiym.

Me: Hello, Aiym, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Aiym: Everything is great, thank you! How are you today?

Me: I'm pretty good. I feel a lot better and my son is coming down to visit today. Okay, I have to say, I like your name... it's very unique. Does it have a meaning? I bet it does.

Aiym: Thank you! In Kazakh my name translates to "My Moon" which I like because I do feel a strong connection to the moon!

Me: Aiym, where are you from originally?

Aiym: I was born and raised in Kazakhstan.

Me: I have no idea where Kazakhstan is... what is nearby? Is it a country?

Aiym: It is actually a massive country, which holds a spot as the 7th largest country in the world. It is in the middle of Eurasia and borders with Russia and China.

Me: Is that where you started your music career? Did you always want to be a singer growing up?

Aiym: I always wanted to be a singer I think. I was not sure if it was possible though so I guess I kept it to myself at some points in my childhood. I loved to sing and would always listen to music and the CDs my parents brought from abroad. I moved away in high school so at that point I mostly just sang at events and competitions. I'd say my career has really started in London and progressed in L.A.

Me: What is it like in Kazakhstan?

Aiym: Kazakhstan is a lovely country with beautiful nature and wonderful people. I hope for it to become a more popular destination for people to visit because there's a lot to see and experience! It's got an interesting culture and history!

Me: So, how long ago did you leave it?

Aiym: Wow, it's been 11 years now!

Me: So, what part of London did you live in?

Aiym: I was so lucky to live in my favorite part... Covent Garden. It is magical!

Me: What was the biggest change or culture shock for you living there?

Aiym: Everything was a bit of a shock when I just moved. I was still a kid and even though I knew English well grammatically and could communicate I had trouble really being myself, making jokes and etc. My boarding school was an unusual experience. It was an all girls college too which was quite strict and I came from a very relaxed background so it was different from what I was used to. I loved it though and learned so much!

Me: You performed at the 02 Shepherds Bush Empire in London... that's a pretty big venue. What was that like?

Aiym: That was amazing! I auditioned for a chance to perform with my band and when we got it I couldn't believe it! Truly an unforgettable experience. A severe case of laryngitis was a bummer though, haha.

Me: Is that the biggest venue you performed at?

Aiym: I'd say so, yes, that venue is massive! There have been so many great shows after that though and I loved every single one of them. Hoping to play big festival stages and stadiums soon!

Me: You were a backing singer for a bunch of different acts, am I right? Who did you perform with and who was your favorite?

Aiym: I used to sing for a singer called Ayana from Barbados. It was my first experience playing in a band and performing at venues. She is a talented and hardworking singer and has taught me many things! I sang with a lot of singers after that too and it was always a blast.

Me: Okay, Aiym, now you're living in Los Angeles, right? Man, that must be another culture shock. Was it?

Aiym: Actually it wasn't! I was just so thrilled to be here so even if something was a shock it was followed by a good share of excitement. LOL!

Me: When did you move there?

Aiym: September 2013. I can't believe it's been almost 3 years now! I love every day spent here.

Me: What's your favorite thing about L.A.?

Aiym: Music has moved me to L.A. and it is also my favourite thing about this city now that I live here. I love that I can surround myself with so much different music, meet amazing people with extraordinary stories, create music with friends and musicians and do all of that in a place that is truly legendary.

Me: Have you been anywhere else in the states?

Aiym: Actually, I haven't had a chance yet but I would really love to! I've only travelled to San Francisco and that city blew my mind. Should probably at least take a cheeky trip to Vegas, huh?

Me: Or Orlando... Alright, let's talk about your music. I love your new single "You Must Be True." Did you write that song yourself?

Aiym: Thank you so much! Yes, I did. I wrote it 4 years ago and always felt very connected to it. The producer and musicians I've worked with helped me recreate exactly what I was feeling writing this song and each part in that song is special.

Me: So far, you have released a few singles that are available on iTunes, but you are coming out with an EP called "Till Dawn." Will these singles be on the EP?

Aiym: I am producing my EP at the moment and I want to include some of my singles in it! I want the EP to have a specific mood so I will make the final decision once it's complete.

Me: Why release the songs separately at first, Aiym? I know it gets your music out...

Aiym: I wanted to share my songs with my friends and people who are interested in my music or have discovered me somehow! Putting the songs out separately helps understand your direction and the feedback you get from people is extremely valuable. I like knowing which songs my friends and fans prefer and it helps me understand and define my sound more.

Me: Will "Till Dawn" be your first EP?

Aiym: Yes! I am very excited to complete it and share it with the world!

Me: So, who are your influences growing up?

Aiym: My singing was heavily influenced by the generation of very talented vocalists of the 90s like Whitney Houston and Celine Dion so you can imagine how much noise was coming out of my room trying to learn how to belt like that... haha!

Me: What bands or music did you listen to growing up?

Aiym: Spice Girls like every 90s kid of course! I loved Zemfira who is a famous Russian artist, a great musician and a poet. I really enjoyed listening to ABBA because my parents were big fans. I really really loved Michael Jackson and he certainly is one of my biggest influences in music and an inspiration! I wasn't exposed to a lot of rock or alternative music when I was growing up but I am compensating now.

Me: Did you go to any concerts back home?

Aiym: I went to concerts of local artists and bands back home. My first biggest concert was Destiny's Child in London and I was so excited to be there I literally cried throughout the entire thing, haha.

Me: I read Led Zeppelin changed your life. How so?

Aiym: I haven't been listening to a lot of music like that growing up so hearing it for the first time really moved me. The passion and power of Robert Plant's vocals and the amazing instrumentation of the songs got me to another level of appreciation of the music and made me want to listen to more and more of their songs and bands of a similar style.

Me: Do you have a favorite Zeppelin song?

Aiym: “Since I've Been Loving You”! It takes me on an emotional trip.

Me: What about Foghat? Have you heard of that band?

Aiym: Yes, I have actually sang “Slow Ride” at a show once. It was a lot of fun!

Me: Cool! That'll be 75 dollars. Haha. So, have you been playing many shows around the L.A. area? 

Aiym: I have been playing a lot in L.A. with my solo project as well as all the other bands I sing in. I started playing shows almost as soon as I moved out here!

Me: Do you like performing?

Aiym: Performing is without a doubt my favorite part! I love being on stage and sharing this insane energy with the band and the audience. The feeling I get is extraordinary and the stage really is a happy place for me!

Me: Okay, so, when does your EP come out, Aiym? Are you excited for it?

Aiym: I am still in the production process, but I plan the release for summer! Oh yes, I am absolutely stoked! Can't wait to share it!

Me: Oh, I have to ask, are you laying in a pool on the "You Must Be True" single cover?

Aiym: Haha... I will let that remain a mystery!

Me: Go ahead and mention your website and everything and I hope this interview was fun. Do you have anything else you wanna add?

Aiym: My website is AiymAlmas.com. You can follow my Instagram @AiymA and Facebook page Aiym Almas Music for music and life updates! To hear my singles you can go on my soundcloud soundcloud.com/aiym-almas and you can download songs on ITunes too!

Me: Thanks for being here, good luck, and please come back when your EP comes out.

Aiym: Thank you so much! I really enjoyed our conversation! Have a great day!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Laird Jim and of course Aiym. The Phile will be back on Sunday for Father's Day, which is the 900th entry with Phile Alum Bryan Bassett from Foghat! I'm so excited! Spread the word, not the turd, don't let alligators and snakes bite you. Bye love you, bye. Have a great Father's Day... I will.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Phile Alum Meka Nism

Hello, welcome the Phile for a Monday. How are you, kids? At least your reason for being depressed today isn't shockingly trivial. Well, looks like the Stanford rapist lied to the judge about his previous alcohol and drug use. The statement Brock Turner read to Judge Aaron Persky is one of the reasons he received an exceptionally light sentence (along with the support of friends and family who claimed he was generally a nice boy who never wanted to hurt anyone, insert jerk off motion here). But not only did his statement fail to include any serious mention of the actual crime of which he was convicted (which Turner still doesn't seem to understand was rape, not drinking), it also failed to include the truth about his previous experience with drinking and drugs, both at Stanford and in high school in Ohio. In his statement to Judge Persky, Turner painted himself as someone who had little to no experience with drinking, binge or otherwise. ("Coming from a small town in Ohio, I had never really experienced celebrating or partying that involved alcohol.'') But according to photos and texts on Turner's phone, which had been seized by police, that's not exactly true. According to prosecutor Alaleh Kiancerci's sentencing memo, there was evidence that Turner had done his fair share of drinking and drugs well before he raped an unconscious woman behind a dumpster during a frat party at Stanford in January 2015. Turner's phone records reportedly included texts he'd sent and received referring to smoking pot and taking acid as early as April 2014, before Turner even left for college. On July 25th, 2014, while still living in Ohio, Turner sent a text message to a friend saying, "Oh dude I did acid with [person] last week." On December 18th, 2014, at Stanford, Turner reportedly sent a text to a friend reading, "Do you think I could buy some wax so we could do some dabs?" (Dabs are a potent form of marijuana that resemble honey or butter.) On December 24th, 2014, someone sent a message to Turner suggesting they take acid over the winter break, to which Turner responded, "I'm down for sure." And on December 27th, 2014, there was video "depicting the Defendant smoking from a bong and drinking out of a bottle of liquor immediately after taking a 'bong hit.'" It's not surprising that college or even high school students want to and do try drugs and drinking, but it's interesting that Turner neglected to leave all of that out in his statement to the judge, instead blaming his behavior on the party atmosphere of Stanford. ("Living more than 2,000 miles from home, I looked to the guys on my swim team as family and tried to replicate their values in how they approached college life.'') According to "The Mercury News," Kiancerci pointed out the lies to the judge during the sentencing hearing, but Persky did not comment. Persky also doesn't seem to have considered Turner's propensity for dishonesty when dishing out a jail sentence of only 6 months out of a maximum of 14 possible years in prison.
The mass shooting at gay nightclub Pulse in Orlando early Sunday morning, the worst in U.S. history (and there are many), has affected so many people and resulted in so many heartbroken friends and family. The massacre, which left 49 people dead and at least 53 more wounded, took place on Latin night at the gay club, during Orlando's Pride Week. One of the victims, a man named Luis Vielma, worked at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios, running the Forbidden Journey ride. On Monday, J.K. Rowling tweeted a picture of Vielma.

The tweet had been retweeted over 26,000 times by this morning. Some people responded, saying they knew Vielma or had met him at the ride. As of now, police have identified all but one of the deceased. According to Orlando Health, six people have been sent home and 29 remain in the hospital. While they may not get tributes from famous authors, every one of them will be missed by someone.
Wouldn't dating be so much easier if there were no unknowns, just non-negotiable rules? One eighth grade girl had the brilliant idea of simplifying all the possible "what ifs" by drawing up a contract that clearly states what her man (boy) is and isn't allowed to do within the confines of their relationship. The printed contract, found in a middle school and tweeted by a man named Max Linsky, has some very specific mandates for going steady. While it does not appear to be legally binding, there's no doubt that the author's got a wonderful career as a lawyer ahead of her.

This contract is very clear, and not at all open to interpretation, especially with regards to the talking to and looking at of "hoes." Looks like she's got all her bases covered, including provisions for meals. (He buys, case closed). There's no reason to think this wouldn't hold up in a court of dating law.
While she plays a lightsaber-wielding badass in space (with parentage that will hopefully be revealed in Episode VIII), Daisy Ridley experiences very real health issues on earth. The beautiful new star of Star Wars shared a clay mask selfie and her story of her health issues to encourage people to get help they need, and to also show how she's down-to-earth even if she's famous for fighting in space. Ridley has Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which can cause chronic pain and bad skin. "I can safely say feeling so self conscious has left my confidence in tatters. I hate wearing make up but I currently don't want to leave the house without it on," she writes. Ridley encourages fans and followers to seek the help they need, "My point is, to any of you who are suffering with anything, go to a doctor; pay for a specialist; get your hormones tested, get allergy testing; keep on top of how your body is feeling and don't worry about sounding like a hypochondriac. From your head to the tips of your toes we only have one body, let us all make sure ours our working in tip top condition, and take help if it's needed." Take care of yourself, so you can take care of the galaxy.
A Chinese Lego artist named Zhao spent three days building a large Lego statue of Nick the fox from Zootopia for a Lego Expo in Ningbo, China. On Sunday, a kid totally destroyed it just hours after the exhibit opened to the public. Sadly, it's not exactly a surprising fate for a giant Lego sculpture of a character from a very popular kids' movie. What is surprising is that the artist was actually pretty cool about it. Here is a pic of the statue from Zhao's account on the Chinese social network Weibo...

And here it is after being toppled over like a game of Jenga...

The kid's parents publicly apologized for the incident, and Zhao declined the compensation they offered him, because he understood it was an accident. He said exhibit employees were as much to blame for not keeping a better eye on the exhibits. Hopefully, Zhao gets commissioned for some future Lego work in places with kid-proof security (one can dare to dream).
There's one thing about me that you might not know and that is I don't break rules. Haha. Really. Unlike this couple...

So, everyone right now is talking about gun laws because of the shooting two nights ago in Orlando. I saw this poster and I thought I had to share it...

The cheese is from France, but still... Makes you think, right? Speaking of posters, did you see the poster for the last X-Men movie? It shows the best scene in the movie.

Hahahaha. I'm cracking myself up. Just now I mentioned J.K. Rowling... author of the Harry Potter books. I should mention she has a brand new Harry Potter book coming out. Here's an exclusive reveal of the cover and what it is called...

It comes out in September I think. Okay, well, as you probably know I live in Florida and stuff happens in this state that happens no where else in the Universe. That's why I have a pheature called...

The biggest alligator ever roamed the Buffalo Creek Golf Course in Florida a few weeks ago, posing the question: can that be real? "That must be the biggest alligator I have seen in my life," our narrator, Charles Helms, 56, begins in a video. "Jesus, he must be 15 feet long." After a moment of consideration, Helms comes to his senses, "I think that's two guys in an alligator suit." Based on everything we know about Florida, that theory is equally plausible. Or it could be a hoax video created with special effects, as some people on the Internet theorized. For perspective, here's the gator compared to a regular Florida-sized human, golfer David Matos...

It's frickin' huge. Even if that isn't two men inside a gator costume, it could still be two men inside a gator.

Hahaha. If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, I love comedy... I love watching comedy and I have done stand-up in my time, and I tend to think I'm funny here on the Phile. Anyway, I met someone the other day who is the oldest comedian in the world and who wanted to come on the Phile and tell a joke. Well, the problem is he talks like it's the 1700s. So, I thought I'll have him tell his joke and then I will translate it as I just happen to understand what he's saying, bout you, my readers probably won't. Man, this is a big intro to a new character... hahaha. Anyway, please welcome to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Alan, welcome to the Phile. So, you have a joke for us?

Alan: Yes.

Me: Okay, tell us and I'll translate.

Alan: A gentleman being in company with some ladies, who talkd' very amorously, felt an odd sort of motion in his breeches. So he whisper'd one of the ladies in the ear, and told her that his fusee was cock'd. It is so, says she; then you may fire at me if you please; I'll stand ye, I am not afraid of your flints, altho' there be two of them.

Me: Okay, no one is laughing. So, let me translate for my readers, Alan. A dude talking with some ladies gets a boner, and tries to be like, "Oh, hey, I just have a flintlock rifle in my pocket." But the lady is like, "Uh, if that's the case, then there's two of them. But I'm pretty sure one of them is a boner, and you can fire at me with it." Wink! See, now everyone is laughing. Alan Raglafart, the 100 Year Old Comedian, everybody.

"Orange is the New Black"
"Orange is the New Black" is an American comedy-drama series about the gentrification of a woman's prison.

The 49th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Author and Phile Alum will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Okay, today's guest is the lead singer in the Orlando based heavy metal band Meka Nism whose new EP "Live From the Machine Shop" is available on iTunes. Please welcome back to the Phile... Meka Nism.

Me: Meka! Welcome back to the Phile. How have you been?

Meka: Very good, thank you for having us back. We've been well, busy on the road touring and everything in between. Staying busy is a good thing!

Me: So, I have to ask before we continue... how's Frankie? He's my favorite car dealer. I bet he misses you kids when you tour.

Meka: Oh, Frankie is great! He does, and we know how much he wants to be with us on tour and how much he has helped us in the early stages of our career. He is a an incredible light to us all and he is always the first one wanting to know how the tour went when we get back.

Me: Alright, so, you kids released a live EP called "Live From The Machine Shop" which is in Flint, Michigan. I think since I first interviewed you you were mostly a Central Florida based band but now you are touring all over the place, am I right?

Meka: Yes, we released the live CD as a celebration of just getting out on the road and doing what we do best. The Machine Shop is such an iconic location and venue, it really couldn't have gone any more perfect. Their crew and staff are on a whole other level. We pretty much made the decision to really hit it hard and get on the road, it's the only sure fire way of really getting people to see us and see what we are all about. Which is funny, because since the tours, we have been getting a really big response from all the places we go. Which continues to drive us.

Me: What made you guys record there, Meka, and not in Orlando?

Meka: Well, we didn't really plan on it. Funny story, is the fact that the sound engineer at The Machine Shop records every band that plays there. He approached us after the show and said how blown away he was by us, and that we may want the audio recording to do as we please with it. We graciously accepted it and didn't really think too much about it until we listened back to it. It was one of our best performances and we felt as though it really captured out live mojo. We've always been a hard band to record and our real magic comes out live. So we decided to take the CD and turn it into a live CD release. Which has worked out really well.

Me: So, in Flint, Michigan... what was the water like?

Meka: Haha, well I don't know. We were fair warned before hand about the unfortunate water situation. They had plenty of water bottles for us though and very kindly made sure we were set with any liquids that we wanted.

Me: In the past, who else have you toured with, Meka?

Meka: In the past, we have toured with Otep on a short run in Texas, Multi-platinum artist Trapt for almost a month, we opened for Gojira and Mastodon in Orlando...

Me: So, do you guys like to tour or rather just play locally?

Meka: Well, we are usually torn between the two. We love getting out on the road and experiencing life and all of its adventures while away from home. We meet so many awesome people and have played some epic venues across the country it's hard not to enjoy it, you know? However, when we get home from long stints on the road, it's always nice to play in front of a home crowd and all of our friends, family, and fans never disappoint. So there is a fine line between the two. 

Me: Out of all the places you have played now, which show was your favorite?

Meka: Wow, that's a really hard question. Other than The Machine Shop in Flint, the one show that stands out is the one from the Trapt tour when we played the Chameleon Club in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The venue is historic and has two or three levels to it. We all went on stage and the show was sold out, and we were looking horizontally into the crowd as we are all used to, then after the first song was over, the roar of the crowd took over and it surrounded us. We all kinda looked at each other and then looked up to see all the levels completely full and we just stood there in awe. Definitely a moment we won't forget.

Me: In the past you played and lived in Japan. Any plans on taking this current band over there?

Meka: Yes, I want to take the band back to Japan as soon as humanly possible. The music scene over there is on another level, and they really take their music seriously. Especially American bands, but the fact that I used to live there and perform there, helps in a lot of ways.

Me: Remind the readers who is in the band.

Meka: Meka Nism is compiled of myself, Meka the lead vocalist, Bobby Keller on lead guitar, Alvin Bauer on bass, Reed Tyack on guitar, Jeremy Mansfield on drums, and our newest addition, Jay Adkisson on keys.

Me: I have to tell you that your vocals on the song "Phoenix" from "The Shift: Anthems for a Revolution," your last studio album are fantastic! Usually there's a lot of screaming you do. Are you planning on doing a lot more singing softly?

Meka: Thank you very much. That was definitely a special song for us, as it represented a shift and added Reed in as the other vocalist to create an interesting dynamic. The vocals I like to perform are usually somewhat harsh, but not all the time. I like to keep it interesting and give off power and aggression through melodies and added vocal layers. I think what makes us unique is my ability to switch and there's no telling what I plan on doing next.

Me: So, ever think of recording an acoustic song, Meka?

Meka: The thought has always crossed my mind, as I often do perform acoustic sets from time to time. Before Meka Nism was what it is today, it was Meka Nism and Her Rusty Tears, which consisted of me playing a lot of acoustic type sets. So there is never a doubt I would like to, but more like a matter of when I get the chance to.

Me: I think we talked about this before, but who are your influences?

Meka: It's really hard for me to really nail down my influences, because there are so many and so many from different genres. I'm not even influenced by just musicians either, a lot of spirituality and shamanic practices I study also influence me.

Me: So, you have a very specific look... ever feel like it's too much and changing it?

Meka: I think about my wardrobe all the time. I try to change it or vary it all the time so when people see us, it's usually somewhat different. I believe that my red dreads have become somewhat of my signature thing, so I don't see myself changing them too soon. I try to model my stage outfit in order to portray the strong and powerful band that we are. Almost like an epic shaman warrior or some sort with my own twist on it.

Me: I said so before you are attractive and don't need all that crazy make-up stuff on your face. I'm sure I'm not the only one who told you that, am I?

Meka: Awww, well thank you I do appreciate that. The makeup is a part of my stage persona both on and off the stage. It has pretty much become a part of me and others see it as inspiration and a way to express themselves at our shows now. The feeling I get when I see young fans in the front row with their faces painted like mine is just priceless.

Me: You play guitar, right? But in this band you only sing, am I right?

Meka: Yes, I do play guitar, but not in the current form of Meka Nism. Back in the earlier days I did play but thought that I would be more effective stage presence wise to get off guitar and let Bobby handle it.

Me: So, what's a typical Meka Nism show like? A lot of head banging and mosh diving I am guessing. Two things I have never done in my life, but I bet you have. Haha.

Meka: A typical show involves the crowd getting there early. Our fans are very loyal and committed to us when shows pop up. During the show is when we try and give them everything we got energy wise and just try to obliterate everything. My job as the vocalist is to provide everyone with a safe zone and the ability to see the positivity in our message. There is a light in everyone, and we want you to see that. So listen to the words I sing, and we can help you get there. Also, there is usually some sort of moshing and crowd movement.

Me: Okay, so, on the Phile this year it's the 10th anniversary year I am asking my Alum guests what that were doing 10 years ago. So, in 2006 what were you doing?

Meka: First off, congrats and happy 10 years! In 2006, I was finishing up the "Mad to Love" album as Meka Nism and her Rusty Tears and preparing to live in Japan.

Me: Alright, so, what's next for you? Any new music planned?

Meka: Yes, we are toying with some new ideas musically and have some secret riffs here and there. We really are focusing on the touring and being on the road, and possibly writing the new material while on the road. We see the road as being a tool to help inspire us and motivate us to keep this machine going. Hopefully by the end of the year, is when the new stuff will start surfacing.

Me: Meka, thanks for being here again on the Phile. Tell Frankie I said hello, and mention your website.

Meka: Thank you for having us again and we look forward to the next time. You can visit our website at meka-nism.com and find us on Facebook at facebook.com/mekanismband.

Me: All the best, Meka. Take care. Remove that make-up! Haha!

Meka: Thank you again, and I cannot guarantee it but I appreciate the compliment.

Me: Oh, one more thing... as you are an Orlando based band is there anything you wanna say about the shootings on Saturday night?

Meka: We will stay strong, Orlando. This is our city, we will stick together and we will rise!

Me: Well said. Take care.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Meka for a great interview again. Okay, the Phile will be back next Thursday with singer Aiym. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker