Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? Central Florida survived the hurricane but my heart goes out to those in the Carolinas. Be safe. The United Kingdom is in crisis. The Prime Minister's Brexit plans have been defeated in Parliament... his own brother resigned hahahaha... and they could be headed for a snap election. His Royal Highness Prince Andrew has been implicated in Jeffrey Epstein's sex trafficking ring. With crises on both the constitutional and monarchy sides of the constitutional monarchy, the press is focusing on the real issue: the fact that Meghan Markle exists. The Australian show "60 Minutes Australia" is releasing a special in which they scrutinize the new mother's every move, and hypothesize what her dead mother-in-law would say. While this seems like standard tabloid fare (SCANDAL! LIES! ABUSE!), it's a bit more sinister than your average media hounding that killed Princess Diana. "60 Minutes Australia" gave a platform to known bigot Katie Hopkins, who is famous for saying nasty shit. She blamed the Pittsburgh synagogue massacre on the Jewish community's support for immigrants, echoing the shooter. She called Africans "cockroaches." She gets retweeted by Donald Trump... so you know she's a nightmare. Hopkins calling Meghan "insufferable" is like the pot calling the kettle a cockroach. People, including Jameela Jamil, are calling out "60 Minutes Australia" for giving this racist a platform on which to be racist. Hopkins is rejoicing in the attention, taking the opportunity to call Meghan fake on her wedding day. Congrats on the attention, Katie. You're still never going to be a duchess.
A whopping majority of Americans support common sense gun legislation like universal background checks, yet no matter how many city names become synonymous with massacres, Congress refuses to fulfill the will of the people. Dudes like NRA-backed Congressman Dan Crenshaw are why. The Extremely Online Texan took to Twitter to argue that requiring a clean background check in order to acquire a murder machine is Actually Bad. Crenshaw cited the story of Lachelle Hudgins, who shot a suspected robber she said was reaching for her purse. Crenshaw wrote, "with universal background checks, I wouldn’t be able to let my friends borrow my handgun when they travel alone like this," volunteering the fact that he shares firearms with friends. Lo and behold, the tweet is a massive self-own, with Crenshaw outing himself as a pretty reckless "responsible gun owner." Congress may be on vacation for another week, but the gun legislation debate is happening on Twitter, with Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responding to Crenshaw's "but my bros!" argument against background checks. "Why on earth" would you just hand guns to friends willy-nilly, she asks. Crenshaw got defensive, and insisted that he knows all of his friends intimately and can testify in court that they are good dudes. "Wrong," he said, calling himself a Real American who fucks with glocks, unlike the cucks in New York City. AOC responded by referring back to Crenshaw's original point about "lending" guns, and defended the state of New York and its safety. She also pointed out that friends can never really know what happens behind closed doors. Domestic abusers know no class, creed, or education level. Abusers tend to have great jobs: White House Staff Secretary. Supreme Court Justice. President of the United States. Who needs formal debate when you have Twitter?
Do you ever feel, like a (green) plastic bag? Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Katy Perry fan or not, it appears that Ivanka Trump can relate to the pop star's lyrics after her $1,650 Johanna Ortiz outfit inflated with a gust of wind, much like a plastic bag itching to escape its mortal coil. During an official trip to Colombia to meet with vice president Marta Lucia Ramirez and defense minister Guillermo Botero, photos of Ivanka with a new hair cut and leafy green outfit made the rounds. While there's nothing particularly significant about her outfit at face value, the photos showed a gust of wind inflating her sleeves in a cartoonish way. Look at this...
There is the obvious and delightful fact that the dress looks like it's physically trying to escape Ivanka's body. It does look like a wearable salad, for better or worse. The dress inspired plenty of references, most of which were unflattering to the 37-year-old. The roasting session even featured a Scar Jo joke, a truly unexpected crossover of famous white ladies. Making fun of the president's daughter because her outfit looks funny in the wind may be deeply sophomoric, but it doesn't even begin to rival the president's suggestion to start nuking hurricanes.
Let's talk about Trump's other daughter. Tiffany Trump has accomplished something remarkable: she manages to be a Trump who who endorses and benefits from her father's destructive presidency, while also managing to be a sympathetic figure. Donald Trump has made it impossible not to feel at least a little bit bad for Tiffany. The non-Ivanka daughter has been maligned by her father ever since she was in utero, when the now-anti-choice crusader president jokes about how he wanted to have her aborted. The failed pop star is shafted to this day, and now we know why: her dad thinks she's fat. Trump's White House personal assistant Madeleine Westerhout was fired last week for comments she made about the Family. Per Madeleine Westerhout, who left her White House job suddenly last Thursday as President Trump’s personal assistant, was fired after bragging to reporters that she had a better relationship with Trump than his own daughters, Ivanka and Tiffany Trump, and that the president did not like being in pictures with Tiffany because he perceived her as overweight. Westerhout also allegedly joked that Trump "couldn't pick Tiffany out of a crowd." Trump confirmed the reports by tweeting "I love Tiffany, doing great!", a personal touch that only a father could provide. Absolutely devastating.
Last week it was reported that, like all of its clothes, Forever 21 is falling apart and preparing to file for bankruptcy. To add insult to injury, Ariana Grande is suing the teeny bopper retailer for a whopping $10 million in damages for using a lookalike in an ad. TMZ reports that Grande and her team were in negotiations for an endorsement deal in December 2018, but when it didn't pan out, Forever 21 just went ahead with their Arianator-themed campaign featuring a knockoff version.
That's from the official complaint. "The resemblance is uncanny and Forever 21's intent was clear: to suggest to the viewing public that Ms. Grande endorsed Forever 21, its products, and was affiliated with Forever 21," her lawyers wrote in the complaint. Forever 21 posted at least 30 unauthorized appropriating Grande's likeness and brand, including screenshots from her music videos. Sucks when people misappropriate, doesn't it?
If I had a TARDIS I would like to see the Rock when he was a kid but knowing my luck he'd be with his dad...
You heard about the Rock I'm sure, but have you heard of the Dock. No? I'll show you.
Hahahahahahahahahaha. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...
So, did you ever read teen romance books? There's one that seems interesting...
Have you seen the new Dark Crystal TV show on Netflix? I haven't yet but judging by the screenshots I saw the puppets look so realistic.
I can't wait to see it. Haha. Do you know your neighbors? Have they ever left a note like this?
"Asshat" is one of my favorite things to call people. And no, I didn't write that note. Did you know some babies are born with full grown up teeth? Don't believe me? Check this out...
Creepy, right? Okay, before I continue I want to mention something very, very cool. As you might remember back in 2012 I think it was Phile Alum Dan Nowicki and myself came out with a CD called "How Do You Know My Name?" under the "band" name Strawberry Blondes Forever. Well, I did it again but this time with Phile Alum Chris Nelson with an album called "You'll Be All Right" under the band name Null & Void. Check out the album cover...
You can order the album from Amazon right now. Okay, now I got that plug outta the way let's move on. It's Thursday, people. Remember what that means?
Oh, man. I hope you're not eating lunch. I apologize. Yeesh.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Alright, so for the last eight years on the blog my friend Jeff and I talked about football. Today the 2019 NFL season kicks off and that means so does year nine of...
Me: Jeff!!!!! welcome back to the Phile. Football season starts today as well as well as Phootball Talk with you on the Phile. How was your summer?
Jeff: JAAAAAASSSSOOOOOOONNNNN! So good to be back here for another season of me beating you. I thoroughly enjoy that part about football season! My summer? Just like a roller coaster has been a series of ups and downs. Hopefully a big up is around the corner though!
Me: I have to say thank you for taking part on my new music project, Null & Void. You did a spoken line for one of the songs called "Fa La La With Legs." Did you enjoy that? Haha.
Jeff: Glad to be a part of that. It was so long ago that I had completely forgotten about it so when listening to the album I was slightly startled when I heard my voice. But now I can say I'm a recording artist or something like that.
Me: Alright, so, tell the readers that might know what we do here every year on the Phile with Phootball Talk.
Jeff: Every week you and I will pick not only the winners of two football games but also predict the spread. If we are correct, we earn 2 points. In addition to that, we benefit when our favorite teams win too. So if the Steelers win, I earn an additional point. If the Giants win, you will earn an extra point. The winner has bragging rights for the rest of the year.
Me: Before we do the week 1 picks let's talk about what's in the news. I have to mention Andrew Luck retiring. Were you surprised when you found out? When asked about Andrew Luck's retirement, Colt teammate Adam Vinatieri said, "Wait, we can retire?"
Jeff: Of course I was shocked by Luck's sudden retirement. Here you have a former number 1 pick retiring before the age of 30. I can't say I blame him. He's had a rash of injuries over the last 3 years, so it takes a toll on the body. Poor Adam V. That dude is like 100. He's so old when Jesus said, "Let there be light" Adam turned on the switch.
Me: Hahaha. So did you hear this breaking news? The NFL has decided to release the Miami Dolphins as part of the final cuts around the league. Miami will likely sign with the XFL or CFL. Haha. The Dolphins are trading franchise LT Laremy Tunsil and WR Kenny Stills to the Texans in exchange for a huge package of picks, including a first-rounder. Good idea or bad idea?
Jeff: The Dolphins truly are in rebuilding mode. They signed a QB then traded for another to compete for the starters position. Yeah, they are completely in flux. I still think they will be better than say the Bills in their division. And that's just sad. But yeah! I will applaud any XFL reference!
Me: So, last year Great Britain purchased practically all the NFL teams. Good news is America has purchased them back, and changed the logos and team names. Check this out...
Me: What do you think?
Jeff: Speaking of bad teams, the John Adams will not be good this year. They do have a cool logo though!
Me: Okay, let's do the first picks of the season. I say Packers by 4 and Jaguars by 2. What do you say?
Jeff: My picks are Browns by 7 and Eagles by 3.
Me: Alright, Jeff, I will see you back here next Thursday. Have a good week.
Jeff: See you next week!
This doesn’t even need a caption. I should literally delete every other picture on this page and replace them all with this and put “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” in my bio. My work here is done. All joking aside, this guy is a champ and a half! Giving us dads a good name! So, there's this inventor who likes to come on and talk about what his latest inventions are. He was just here on Monday and since then he said he's been really working hard. So, once again please welcome to the Phile...
Me: Hello, Mak, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?
Mak: I'm good, Jason. Thank you.
Me: So, what have you been working on?
Mak: Non-stick superglue.
Me: Ummm... that's really stupid, Mak.
Mak: Okay. I get it. How about invisible ink for the blind?
Me: I vaguely remember you coming up with that before and that's just stupid.
Mak: If you say so. I have one more invention I have been working on.
Me: Okay, make it good.
Mak: Tampons for men.
Me: Ugh! Sometimes, Mak, you give me a headache.
Mak: I'm sorry, Jason. I dod come up with a TV show I'd like to mention and try to push.
Me: You did? What is it?
Mak: "Jersey Shore."
Me: That's it! Get out of here! Mak Asterborous, world's greatest inventor, kids. World's greatest my ass.
President Donald Trump breaking the law to make himself feel better is not a new predicament, but this maneuver reached an impressive new level of pettiness and potential danger. As Hurricane Dorian destroyed the Bahamas and barreled towards the states, Trump tweeted that he was monitoring the storm between rounds of golf, tweeting that the storm might hit Alabama. One problem: It wasn't.
The National Weather Service called him out, but rather than correct his mistake, he doubled down and blamed the media. Tale as old as time, true as it can be. Yesterday, Trump decided to TRIPLE DOWN on his claim that Alabama is in danger of destruction, going as far as to Sharpie an official map in the Oval Office. Which isn't just sociopathic, but illegal, by the way. Here's a close up pic of what he did...
Say it with me: I will not make a penis joke about Trump adding length to the hurricane map. I will not make a penis joke about Trump adding length to the hurricane map. I will not make a penis joke about Trump adding length to the hurricane map. How are we supposed to cope with the absolute insanity? My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Alabama, whose hurricane is as fake as thoughts and prayers.
The 104th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Tippi will be the guest on the Phile this coming Tuesday.
This is cool. Today's pheatured guest is an American actress who made her film debut in Pump Up the Volume and later voiced Crysta in FernGully: The Last Rainforest and also played Daisy in Super Mario Bros. Please welcome to the Phile... Samantha Mathis.
Me: Hey, Samantha, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Samantha: Hi, Jason, I'm doing great.
Me: So, you have been in movies for such a long time, but you weren't a kid really when you started I don't think. What were you like as a kid?
Samantha: Hmmm. Goodness. It has been a few years now, right. I was a bit of a tomboy. I had a skateboard for awhile but then I also loved dolls. I remember when we first moved to California and our neighbor had these really beautiful rose bushes and this other little girl and I would pick roses and make rose water to make our own perfume. I had a cat. LOL. I liked to play with my cat. There was this woman who was our housekeeper who made an outfit for my cat that he really hated but I would dress him up in it sometimes. I think it was longing for a sibling and not having one at the time. I also was a latch door kid. My parents got divorced when I was pretty young and my mom was a singer mom and an actress.
Me: Did you watch a lot of TV growing up?
Samantha: Yeah, I definitely watched a lot of TV.
Me: What did you like watching on TV?
Samantha: We're going back to the 70s so there was definitely Scooby-Doo, and there still was "The Andy Griffith Show," I guess it would've been in reruns. Andy Griffith and "Happy Days" and then all the Warner Bros. cartoons. Was "Charlie Angels" a nighttime show? I used to watch it.
Me: Yeah, and so was "Happy Days" back then. Did you always want to be an actress?
Samantha: Yeah, I love entertainment. I grew up in the business, my mother was an actress and my grandmother was so I grew up with the appreciation for creativity and the arts. I know television wouldn't necessary be considered that but it was a great form of escapism and imagination and creativity.
Me: So, a lot of the kids I work with love the movie FernGully:The Last Rainforest which I never saw and vaguely remember it came out. You played a character named Crysta in it. Did you like that movie?
Samantha: It was such a long time since I've seen it but I'm always pleased when people say they saw it. It was the beginning of the rediscovery of the big animated movie.
Me: It came out in the early 90s, right?
Samantha: Yeah, it proceeds the bigger films that Robin Williams would've done after that. It was a very forward thinking story about the environment.
Me: Maybe that's why I didn't see it, and it was more of a girls movie I think with fairies and stuff.
Samantha: Yeah, but the story is certainly still relevant for today.
Me: So, how did you get the part as Crysta?
Samantha: You know, it's been so long. I think they just offered it to me. We're talking about 1993...? '94?
Me: It came out in '92 I believe.
Samantha: It came out in '92?
Me: Yeah, so, it's even older.
Samantha: Then I guess I made it in '90 to '91. I believe I was just offered the part and we just worked on it off and on for a few years. Animated films take some time to put together.
Me: Did you record it with anybody else or was it just you in the studio?
Samantha: No, I did get the opportunity to record in Los Angeles. I recorded with Christian Slater which was nice for us, and Tim Curry a little bit.
Me: You mentioned Robin Williams and I didn't know he was in the movie. Did you work with him at all?
Samantha: Robin was recorded later on in the production. They actually flew him out to Skywalker Ranch in San Francisco to record him for several days. I already locked all my recording but they wanted him to have an actor for him to play with. That was one of the cleanest memories I have of Mr. Williams, was this extraordinary opportunity to spend that type of time with Robin and to watch his genius. I think he found freedom in animated film performance. He really relished in and so my job being there was to give him his cues and try not to blow a take by laughing hysterically. Because I'd give him a line and he just improvised. All of us thought his mind was extraordinary as you heard time and time again. His dexterity and everything, he was just so brilliant and so it was quite a thing to behold.
Me: How did you control yourself? I would not be able to do that whatsoever.
Samantha: Well, that was just my job. LOL. I just had two stifle whatever wanting to come out of me because I didn't want to mess up the genius of what he was creating.
Me: Did you ever talk to Robin after recording? Was he a friend?
Samantha: Not really, no, we were both working so much. We would run into each other from time to time at industry events, so I spoke to him a few times. But I was quite young and very green and was a fan and not a temporary in that way so he was quite a bit older than me. Or at least to felt so at the time. We would run into each time together and that was always very warm and he was always very kind and sweet.
Me: You worked with Christian Slater three times together in the 90s?
Samantha: At least three, but you could say four because he directed a short film that I acted in. But three things that were released. FernGully was the second time, that wasn't too long after Pump Up the Volume. Christian and I always had great chemistry, we make each other laugh and I feel like at this point he's a brother. It was easy for us to slip into a banter and performing with each other because we had already done so. I always enjoyed working with Christian.
Me: I have to say Pump Up the Volume is one of my favorite movies from back then. I might've had a crush on you. Besides working with Robin is there anything else that stands out to you back then that you liked professionally?
Samantha: I could only say that I remember loving the experience of doing voice-over work. There is a freedom that comes with performing in animation. We really have very little to look at if anything. I was given a cell to look at to see what Crysta would look like and then they would have storyboards, black and white drawings drawn out so I could get a sense of what the physicality of what was it supposed to be like in any given scene. But I loved the challenge of and the freedom of closing my eyes and pretending to be flying as a fairy. There was wonderful freedom in that. It's also nice as a woman to come to work just in sweatpants. Sometimes I think they filmed us just for facial references for the animators but I loved the creativity of it. I will never forget that towards the end of production they had me come in to do three days of flying, panting, basically heavy breathing. If anybody heard that they would think I was doing something completely different! They needed those specific moments of yelling or screaming or laughing or heavy breathing because I was flying. That was a pretty funny couple of days.
Me: Man, I want to hear those tapes. Hahaha. You were also in Super Mario Bros. which is rated one of the worse movies of all time. I kinda liked it, but mostly because you were in it. Haha. What are your thoughts on people calling it one of the worst movies ever made?
Samantha: I would not disagree. I think it's a pretty bad movie but, Jason, I have to tell you that all these many years later so many people still cherish it. I think that it holds great nostalgia for people's childhood. So whole it's got some shit and the story telling is deeply flawed I still get a lot of fans who say, "I just watched it not to long ago and love that movie." and "You were Princess Daisy. Oh my God! I love that movie!" It wasn't to long ago someone said something to me and I realized and said something along the lines of, "I so glad you appreciated it, I always think about it as the worst, or not the worst thing that I did and I realized that that might take away from someone else's experience about it." So I really try to just acknowledge if someone has a fond memory of it then that's wonderful. Other people want to talk about the drama from behind the scenes. It was the biggest movie made at the time, it was a 50 million dollar film and it had really high expectations and was just thrust with issues. So it's certainly not the thing I'm most proud of but it's definitely one of the top things people like to talk to me about.
Me: Have you watched it at all since it came out?
Samantha: No, I don't think there's any reason to watch it honestly.
Me: What was it like working with Bob Hoskins on that movie?
Samantha: Bob was spectacular. And as was Dennis Hopper. It's a really well cast film, John Leguizamo, Fisher Stevens, Richard Edson and Fiona Shaw. My god, she is one of the best theater actresses in England. They certainly did assemble certainly a great cast. And we did the best we could.
Me: So, what are you working on these days, Samantha?
Samantha: I've been doing a return role on "Billions," a Showtime series with Paul Giamatti and Damien Lewis. It's a great show. We are wrapping up the final episode of the season right now.
Me: Anything else you want to promote or plug?
Samantha: I guess that's it. I did an independent movie that came out last fall that I'm quite proud of called The Clovehitch Killer. You can find that streaming on-line. It stars Dylan McDermott and Charlie Plummer. It's a really dark family drama thriller that I think came out really well.
Me: Cool. Samantha, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon. I hope this was fun.
Samantha: Thank you, it was nice to talk to you, Jason. Take care.
That about does it for this entry. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Samantha Mathis. I hope she will come back on the Phile again soon. The Phile will be back on Tuesday with actress Tippi Hedren. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
