Pheaturing Neville Staple

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Okay, I think I told you people on the Phile before that I don't like Bill Nye. Well, here's a story that almost made me like him just a smidge. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is truly the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to making the Internet pop off. She's constantly spinning gold via her tweets, Instagram posts, and public appearances, and she doesn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon. What did we do to deserve her?! In typical AOC fashion, she wowed audiences and went viral this weekend during her panel at South by Southwest . The heavily attended event was called, "Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and the New Left,” and the packed audience hung on to Ocasio-Cortez's every word. But perhaps the most memorable moment was when Bill Nye made a surprise appearance. When the moderator turned to the audience for questions, Bill Nye approached the mic to ask the freshman House Rep his own. He said, “I’m a white guy. I think the problem on both sides is fear. People of my ancestry are afraid to pay for everything as immigrants come into this country. People who work at the diner in Alabama are afraid to ask for what is reasonable. So do you have a plan to work with people in Congress that are afraid? That’s what’s going on with many conservatives especially when it comes to climate change. People are afraid of what happens when we try to make these big changes.” AOC agreed, as she gave him a standing ovation of her own after he asked his question. She then responded to him by saying, “One of the keys to dismantling fear is dismantling a zero-sum mentality... It means the rejection outright of the logic that says someone else’s gain necessitates my loss and that my gain MUST necessitate someone’s loss. We can give without a take. We’re viewing progress as a loss instead of as an investment. When we choose to invest in our system, we are choosing to create wealth. When we all invest in them, then the wealth is for all of us too.” And just when we thought we had reached peak content, the two had perhaps the most amazing Twitter exchange ever.

Bill Nye the Science Guy and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez make the cutest friendship duo, and I had no idea that I was craving it so much until now. Can we get these two a TV show, please? Ten out of ten would watch.
Maybe you're one of the millions of people in the United States who use marijuana for medical reasons. There are many who benefit from marijuana's medicinal properties. However, marijuana remains criminalized in most states and as a narcotic, there's still stigma and misunderstanding around its medical... and, let's be real, recreational... usage. One recent news story brought its contested status to the forefront in a way that's super dramatic... and people aren't pleased. This week a video began circulating on Twitter that depicts police officers searching a cancer patient's room for marijuana. The patient in question is Nolan Sousley, who's currently battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He uses CBD capsules to manage his weight loss, nausea, and appetite as he approaches the end of his life. Naturally, no marijuana was found... and Nolan stopped officers from searching the bag that contains his "final hour stuff." As the video made its way across Twitter, thousands of people weighed in on the incident. My question is: which medical personnel and/or fellow patient narc'd on Nolan? Sure, it's arguably immoral to interfere with a dying man's attempts to manage his late-stage cancer. But more importantly, it's uncool as fuck, and whoever's that pathologically lame should be outed and shamed accordingly. Call 1-800-LAME-NARC if you have tips.
One could argue that a great deal of progress has been made over the past few decades regarding the rights of LGBTQ people in the U.S. and around the world. The tides seem to be turning towards a world where nobody gives a fuck about the gender of who other people fuck and it's ABOUT DAMN TIME. But sadly, homophobia is still alive in 2019, even if its most vocal proponents are the very bottom of the barrel of human scum. If you're still a homophobe at this point, your company includes Mike Pence, a bunch of crusty old white guys in Congress, and losers who show up at LGBTQ events with signs that say things like "God hates fags" and "homosexuality is a sin." Yes, this shit still happens. People literally take the time out of their day to go to Kinko's and spend money to MAKE A SIGN telling other people who they can and cannot love. In the name of JESUS CHRIST, no less, a man whose whole schtick was supposed to be spreading kindness, love, and helping those less fortunate. Sometimes, the best way to respond to utterly ridiculous bigotry is with humor. One woman did exactly this, trolling a "Christian" protester with a homophobic sign by creating the perfect counter-sign:

Her sign beautifully highlights the hypocrisy of opposing LGBTQ events by... constantly going to them? And as a result, this photo has gone hugely viral on the Internet. Commenters are delighting in the perfection of her clapback. One Christian commenter perfectly broke down the ridiculousness of claiming homophobia in the name of Christianity and "God." Next stop for this sign-wielding hero: Mike Pence's house?
When surfing the web, it can often feel as if you're constantly dodging waves of garbage and hellfire that come in the form of Internet trolls and offensive memes. Fun! But sometimes the trash sea parts and makes way for a delicious treat in the form of an iconic tweet. Bon appétit, bitch, as the French kids say. The social media trash tsunami settled down for a moment Tuesday night when Hillary Clinton clapped back at Donald Trump via the most effective form of communication: a Mean Girl gif. At 5:18 p.m. on Tuesday night, Trump tweeted...

Then, at 5:57 p.m., Hillary Rodman Clinton made history yet again. Like any wise, modern woman, she responded to an Internet troll's petty attack with a Mean Girls reference. And not only did she clap back in the perfect way, she also did so with a subtweet, meaning she didn't even @ him. She beat him at his own Twitter game.

Naturally, the Internet took note of this epic subtweet and everybody dove in to sing Hillary's praises. I have never seen Mean Girls so I would not know what this meant. Haha. But beyond that, this gif is incredibly apt. The explicit accusation that Donald Trump is pathetically obsessed with Hillary Clinton is spot on, and her calling him out for it creates the perfect shade for us all to bask in. And the tea is made that much more sweet when considering the fact that she couldn't be bothered to tweet directly at him and instead went for the subtweet. It's an expert move, fit for a queen. For a pop culture blog, I feel I need to brush up on some stuff.
When teens aren't busy writing gun control legislation, they're rebelling against their parents and getting vaccinated. Ethan Lindbenberger, an 18-year-old from Ohio, testified at a Senate hearing about vaccinations and misinformation, standing firmly pro-vaccines and anti-propaganda. Last month, he went viral for the shots he decided to take on his 18th birthday: vaccinations against such diseases as hepatitis A, hepatitis B, influenza and HPV. Lindbenberger addressed the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee on Tuesday about his personal decision to get vaccinated, and why the misinformation his mother believed is so dangerous. The high school student didn't blame his mother, for it's his understanding that her intentions were to protect him. Lindenberger places the blame on social media companies and conspiracy sites that profit off of parents' desires to best look after their children by spreading lies that put them in danger. "For certain individuals and organizations that spread this misinformation, they instill fear into the public for their own gain selfishly, and do so knowing that their information is incorrect," Lindenberger said. "For my mother, her love, affection and care as a parent was used to push an agenda to create a false distress, and these sources which spread misinformation should be the primary concern of the American people." Lindenberger described in his prepared testimony how being raised anti-vaccine affected his life. "I was pulled out of class every year and told that if I did not receive my shots, I wouldn’t be able to attend my high school," he explained. "But, every year, I was opted out of these immunizations and, because of current legislation, I was allowed to attend a public high school despite placing my classmates in danger of contracting multiple preventable diseases." Ohio is one of 17 states in the union that allows parents to opt-out of mandatory vaccinations for philosophical or moral reasons. Sadly, "I read it on Facebook" counts as a philosophy, but thankfully, today's kids learn from their parents' mistakes.
So, instead of doing this blog thing maybe I should be listening to this album...

Ummm... maybe not. If you're thinking of cheating on your loved one you might wanna think twice after seeing this...

Oh, man, that breaks my heart. Dave, you fucked up, man. If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up in St. Louis, Missouri in 1852 and come across a group of men posing in front of Lynch's Slave Market. I wouldn't know what to do...

Hope they all bought a Django each. At the State of the Union address a few weeks ago some Democrats sure gave same shady looks. Like Senator Ed Markey for example...

There was some satisfying clapbacks at Fox News throughout Internet history. Take a look...

This is listed in the dictionary under "self-own." So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn free and so easily. The problem with that is if you're at school or work you might get in trouble. Also, I'd rather you read this blog then look at porn. But if you have to then I have a solution...

You are welcome.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, there's this nun from a local Catholic school who likes to drop by the Phile now and then. I never really like what she has to say, but I let her say what she wants to say anyway. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Sister, how are you?

Sister Xtian: Depressed.

Me: Depressed? I'm sorry.

Sister Xtian: The worst thing about depression is that knowing 150 years ago treatment would have been vibrators and heroin.

Me: Well... why are you depressed?

Sister Xtian: A cop pulled over my car which was full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?” I replied, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.” The cop says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.” “Silly me,” I said.  “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.” But then the copy glanced in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asked, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?” I said, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

Me: I do not get that one bit.

Sister Xtian: You wouldn't. Now excuse me why I go find my soulmate who is somewhere out there probably balls deep in some how right now who isn't even funny.

Me: Sister Xtian... the nun who doesn't give a damn, kids.

The birthday girl is straight-up APPALLED at her mother’s behavior in the before pic. But if her mom is anything like the rest of us, that kid doesn’t know the half of it! Okay, there's a local teacher who is not having a good time and wants to come by and say something. So, once again please welcome to the Phile...

Me: Hello, Ms. Laststraw, you didn't quit teaching, right?

Ms. Laststraw: No, but aI almost quit.

Me: Really? What happened?

Ms. Laststraw: My class was wild and unruly. Totally out of control. I rubbed my forehead in frustration and I stood up yelling, "FUCK EVERY ONE OF YOU!" I almost grabbed my bag and walked out.

Me: I'm glad you didn't. Did you get in trouble?

Ms. Laststraw: No, a child in the class said it was singularly her fault and she still feel really bad about it.

Me: I'm sorry, Ms. Laststraw, take a day off.

Ms. Laststraw: I did. I'm going to the bar.

Me: Ms. Laststraw, the teacher that wants to quit, kids.

Since your own voice sounds much better to you than it actually does, imagine what Morgan Freeman hears when he speaks!

If you're a news junkie, then you know that Robert Kraft... owner of this year's Super Bowl championship team the New England Patriots... was recently arrested for purchasing sex acts at a Florida massage parlor. Not a great look to be charged with misdemeanor solicitation of prostitution, tbh. But wait! The plot thickens thanks to our Cheeto In Chief. Friday the Miami Herald published a photo of Trump posing with the woman who founded the parlor Kraft was busted for patronizing.

When the news of Kraft's illegal indiscretion was reported, Trump said, "Well, it's very sad. I was very surprised to see it. He's proclaimed his innocence, totally. But I'm very surprised to see it." OH REALLY? Kraft is a frequent guest at Mar-a-Lago and owns a home in the Palm Beach area. Math was never my strength in school, but I'm doing some quick mental calculations and... does anyone else think that Trump A) already knew about this shit and B) purchased sex at the same parlor? It's just a hunch! The Internet is similarly unsurprised. Could this man be any more predictable? Would you expect anything less from a serial cheater and alleged abuser of women? C'mon. 

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk. "What's the eight cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax," replies the clerk. "Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put." 

Today's guest is a Jamaican born English singer for the two-tone ska band, the Specials as well as his own combo, The Neville Staple Band. His latest album "Return of Judge Roughneck & Dub Specials" is available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify and his book, which came out ten years ago,  

Original Rude Boy: From Borstal to The Specials is the 94th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Neville Staple.

Me: Hello, Neville, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir? 

Neville: It's horrible to here. I'm joking!

Me: Most people would know you from the Specials, Neville. You don't play with them anymore, right? Why is that?

Neville: Went back for the reunion with three tours then after that I just fancied doing my own thing again. If you remember, when I was living in America in California I was doing my own band, the Neville Staple Band. When I came back to England the Specials were reforming I thought I missed seeing the fans that loved seeing the Specials. After awhile I thought let me go do my own thing. I came back and the people that knew the Specials thought me and the rest of them. There was no drama in me leaving.

Me: Do you prefer being in your own band?

Neville: Yeah, because my band they know what I'm like when I'm on stage and everyone seems to enjoy themselves, they really enjoy playing with the Neville Staple Band. It's more fun. They are not restricted like the song "Message to You Rudy" is three and a half minutes, well, my band will play what the crowd wants. Or if we played my song, "Ghost Town," we could do what we want. If the crowd wants more we just carry on with different instruments or get the crowd to sing. It's kinda more looser.

Me: Do any of the Specials play in your band?

Neville: No, not really to be honest with you. I aways try to get Roddy to come on stage with me because he lives in Coventry, lives just up the road, and there's no animosity amongst us. I see Terry because he lives in London. but Lynval, he lives in Seattle so can't really see him.

Me: Where do you live?

Neville: I'm living in Coventry.

Me: So, I have to ask you about the two-tone thing. Was all that planned out with a bunch of friends getting together? How did it start and explain what it is.

Neville: Jerry Dammers had the idea became he went to college. Basically he had the idea because around Coventry there was a lotta fighting against the National Front and they used to fight the blacks and whatever nationality. Jerry got the band together to sing those songs basically what he done he got different backgrounds in the band. My background was off the street background and he needed that kinda toasting, I was on the sound system so he kinda knew that was my background I was bit of a rude boy. Not naughty naughty, but the way I used to dress. Anyway, so we got together and he got some couple of guys, Terry was not with them at the time. Brad was not with them at the time. I was with them but I was just tidying up wires, I was a roadie. After being a roadie, when they rehearsed in the youth club with a different singer that's when I used to go around these little gigs with them. One day when I was with them in London I started toasting, what they call DJing now, and then Jerry says "come on" because the crowd cheered and they shined a spot light on me. The crowd started to get excited, because I don't know if you know what I'm like, I'm a bit energetic entertainer basically. He called me on stage and that was it.

Me: Wow. Were you inspiring to be a musician at the time or did this just sort of happen?

Neville: No, no, no. I grew up with music from Jamaica and came to England and I was still involved with music with a sound system from my cousin so I've always been an entertainer at home, at clubs. In someway of it weren't the Specials I'd still be entertaining but with the Specials it did bring the blacks and whites together in Coventry. Regardless of that I still would've been entertaining and DJing and things like that.

Me: Did you know the guys from the Beat as well?

Neville: Yeah, they lived just down the road in Birmingham they used to rehearse with us and done a few shows with the Specials. That's how I got to know Dave Wakeling and Ranking Roger 'cause they supported us in a couple shows.

Me: You must still be good friends with them, right?

Neville: I'm friendly with Roger and I'm friendly with Dave when he's in England, I go to his shows and we talk about old times. Roger lives down the road so I see him regularly.

Me: Was there any competition between all these bands like the Specials, the Selector, the Beat, Madness?

Neville: No, we were always doing our own thing. When the Specials started we were just dong our own thing and so it happens Jerry wanted these bands on the 2 Tone label so there was no competition at all. This is what it's like, we were the first ones to start it, the Specials, and we had the label so we got Madness, the Beat, Bodysnatchers, everybody on board.

Me: What was it like when your first hit single "Gangsters" came out?

Neville: Well, to be honest with you it was quite fantastic because I've always wanted to be on TV and I thought that'd be great. I don't know how to explain this to be honest with you.

Me: Okay, so, your nickname is the Original Rudeboy. Where did that come from?

Neville: I always had nice clothes so that's why they called me Rudeboy. I dressed rude, I looked rude, that's where it comes from. I dressed looking slick. They would say, "Boy, you look rude." Rudeboy also from Jamaica, Bob Marley, Pete Tosh, they used to call them Rudeboys. I'm a good Rudeboy if you know what I mean.

Me: So, how did you guys get hooked up with Elvis Costello to produce the first album?

Neville: To be honest with you we loved what he'd done and he loved the Specials and we needed a producer. I can't remember how the idea came but everybody was up for it for Elvis to produce us because we loved his music so much. It was brilliant working in that studio with Elvis.

Me: Cool, my dad was a big fan of the Specials and played the first album a lot at home and in the car. So, what role did Jerry Dammers have? Was he in charge?

Neville: He started the 2 Tone label and said lets get individual people, black, white, let's get together and form the Specials. He was writing the songs but a lot of people didn't know this but I was putting little bits in the songs as well like "Too Much To Young" and "Monkey Man." For me working with Jerry I don't know if I should say this but I was putting the black side across. It's hard to explain, everybody had different input to the band.

Me: Myself I prefer the second Specials album, "More Specials," which has slightly less of the ska sound, then with Fun Boy Three, your next band it had a whole new sound. Why did you guys move away from the ska sound?

Neville: We stepped a little bit too quick with the second album. I thought we should of done another album like the first album. But Jerry had the insight, or his vision was to step up but I think it stepped up too quickly.

Me: Did you guys talk about bringing Elvis back to produce that second album?

Neville: Yeah, it would've been nice but I guess he got busy as well. It would've been nice for him to do the second album, we would had the same kinda flow.

Me: So, how did you guys, Terry, Lynval and yourself go and form Fun Boy Three?

Neville: What it was was members of the band weren't getting on 100% and we just needed a change. We weren't fighting to leave or anything like that, we just fancied a change so we thought alright, let's give this a go. We could write some different stuff but I was never fed up with ska, it was just like a stepping stone for a little bit of change.

Me: Would you have guessed that the music you made in the late 70s would be as popular as it is today?

Neville: There's a lot of young bands coming up that are doing their version of ska. Ska hasn't died at all in England or in Jamaica, it's only in America where you're getting these raps.

Me: So, how did Fun Boy Three come to an end?

Neville: To be honest, I got fed up I'm not scared to say. I got fed up doing the Fun Boy Three thing. It was great when it happened at the time but I wanted to go back to my ska roots because ska had never died for me. I grew up with it, so after I was in Fun Boy Three I thought let me go back and that's when the Special Beat came.

Me: Okay, so, I was a HUGE fan of Bananarama back then and that's how I first started to hear Fun Boy Three, from my dad's 45 of you guys. How did those girls get involved with you guys? And man, I wish I could interview any of them ladies. Haha.

Neville: Okay, with Bananarama we needed some backing vocals and we heard about these three girls who just started to sing so we said let's give them a little break, a little try. So, they came on with some backing vocals. They weren't used to being in the studio, so when they came into the studio they were a bit shy. One of them said, "We'll always remember this, Neville, we came in when we were shy, you took us under your wings and told us not to be shy." I get along with most people and know how to deal or talk to people. That made it more comfortable.

Me: Did you have any idea they would go on and be gigantic?

Neville: With a bit of work. Then my mate, Pete Waterman he saw the insight of them. He was a part of Stock Aitken Waterman. That's my mate Pete, I knew him before all of this. So he saw the insight of getting these girls together, pushing them, writing songs for them, and because they were very poppy that's what kinda lifted them up to stardom if you want to call it.

Me: Did you guys date any of those girls?

Neville: To be honest we were just friends, I was a gentleman.

Me: Hahahahaha. you're a better man than I am. Okay, so, after Fun Boy Three what did you do after that?

Neville: Let's see, I moved to America, I was playing my own thing called Neville Staple and the Hitmen. I just enjoyed it because it was a different type of feeling, When I played ska in the states it was a lot faster.

Me: I didn't know until I read your bio that David Byrne produced the second Fun Boy Three album. How did that come to be?

Neville: We loved Talking Heads and when we were doing the next album we thought who could we get to do it that we liked a lot. So we thought... ding! David Byrne. We went to see him concert a few times and we spoke to him and he was such a lovely, lovely chap.

Me: Was he a big fan of you guys?

Neville: Yeah, he did like what we did with the Specials and Fun Boy Three. We just got on like a house on fire.

Me: When you first came to America what was your initial reaction?

Neville: In some places they didn't like blacks and white guys playing. It didn't bother me but I knew some of those places we played they were very racist. But like with the Specials we were gonna play anywhere. We weren't gonna be stopped because they were black and white mixing. Even in Chicago was a bit racist.

Me: You mentioned the band you were in Special Beat... what was that?

Neville: In America they hadn't had a lot of Special stuff. They were listening to it but they didn't see anybody who was in those bands. We got the two bands together and we thought let's play America again. It went down pretty well to be honest with you.

Me: Okay, so, I have to talk about your last album "The Return of Judge Roughneck." I'll show the cover here so people can know what to look for...

Me: What can you'll us about it and who is Judge Roughneck?

Neville: That's just me playing what I like and how I see the music changing. Judge Roughneck is really what's in my heart when I play that or recorded that album. I gotta say though, not that I'm getting old, but my wife she helped me produce that and we write the lyrics together. I guess we were gonna get something, a different feel. She grew up listening to ska as well. We sorta combined what she knew and what I know and we put them together because we're married now. "Judge Roughneck" is a song I've done with the Specials.

Me: Neville, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I hope you this was fun. Please come back on the Phile soon. All the best.

Neville: Thanks, Jason, take care.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guest Neville Staple. The Phile will be back tomorrow with singer-songwriter Rupert Holmes. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Pheaturing Elle Mills

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. Well, the "Game of Thrones" trailer flew in and set the Internet on fire. Unleash the dragons. WINTER. IS. HERE!!! The gods at HBO have released the trailer for the final season of "Game of Thrones" and it looks dark. Like, literally dark. You have to squint to see Arya's face, but it's oh so worth it if you're a fan. You fans have been without new Thrones for over a year and are eager to eat up anything Westeros has to offer, even if it's only a few images of people in the dark and/or staring at dragons. I've never seen the show but thought if you're a fan I'd let you know.
Without a government shutdown to blame it on, the Trump White House has decided to stick to its schtick of serving athletes fast food to celebrate their accomplishments. The NCAA champions were treated to Chik-Fil-A sandwiches and a side of "no collusion" when President Trump welcomed the athletes and demonstrated that he's running out of ideas. Once again, Michelle Obama's White House vegetable garden was spotted weeping.
Sunday night, HBO aired the first two hours of Leaving Neverland, a documentary in which two men detail the alleged sexual abuse they experienced at the hands of the late King of Pop. For the last fifteen years of his life, Jackson had been trailed by child sex abuse allegations. He stood trial and was acquitted of allegedly molesting an 8-year-old cancer patient in 2005, which gave fans the confidence they needed to keep moonwalking. #LeavingNeverland was the number one trending topic on Twitter as people tuned in to see two now-grown men separately describe the abuse in harrowing detail as patterns began to emerge. Many people voiced their disgust at Jackson and their support for Robson and Safechuck, while other fans who presumably weren't in the room with the pop star took to Twitter to declare "MICHAEL JACKSON INNOCENT!!!" Pundits are saying that this documentary irreparably tarnishes Jackson's legacy. The Jackson estate has sued HBO, and is calling the documentary "another rehash of dated and discredited allegations." In the end, what it comes down to is whether or not you can hear "The Way You Make Me Feel" without feeling a knot in your stomach.
With requests for documents from just about everyone ever, the Democrats have officially launched their investigation into possible obstruction of justice, corruption, and abuse of power by Trump, his administration and his family (like there's a difference). Armed with subpoena power, Rep. Jerrold Nadler, Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, wrote to 81 individuals and organizations connections to the president, humbly requesting documents that may shed light onto Trump's corruption even more than his Twitter account already has. Per The New York Times (read this in a "side effects may include" Viagra commercial voice for maximum effect): "The letters from Mr. Nadler, dated March 4, went to 81 agencies, individuals and other entities tied to the president, including the Trump Organization, the Trump campaign, the Trump Foundation, the presidential inaugural committee, the White House, the Justice Department, the F.B.I. and dozens of the president’s closest aides who counseled him as he launched attacks against federal investigations into him and his associates, the press, and the federal judiciary. The committee will also investigate accusations of corruption, including possible violations of campaign finance law, the Constitution’s ban on foreign emoluments and the use of office for personal gain." Names on this cursed list include: Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Jared Kushner, the NRA, the Trump Organization, the Trump Transition, the Trump Campaign, and the Trump Inaugural Committee. Notably absent is the name Ivanka Trump, likely because daddy would burn the House down and they're hopefully saving it for later. Don Jr. is very chill about this, pulling a classic "whatabout" and linking to an old article from the Hillary Clinton-obsessed conservative group Judicial Watch. The countdown is on for the inevitable Trump tweet: "Joke's on you, Dumbocrats. You're going to have to READ all these documents."
Ivanka Trump, daughter or our reality TV star president is having a real poor little rich girl moment. You'd think life would be pretty easy when you were born into super-privilege and your wealthy president father loves you so much that it's borderline illegal, but everyone has problems. After all, the Kardashians get stressed every now and then... there's a whole television show to prove it. At the annual, very formal Gridiron dinner in Washington, D.C., a lot of jokes were made. The 134-year-old tradition hosted by the Gridiron Club and Foundation to honor elite Washington journalists, reporters and politicians is more of a roast battle than a traditional fancy-person event. Amy Klobuchar‌, a 2020 Democratic hopeful, made several self-deprecating jokes mocking a report that she ate a salad with a comb. Things got interesting, though, when Ivanka Trump replaced President Trump and became something of a comedian herself. Recognizing that she is often criticized for encouraging Americans to work harder despite the fact that she'd never have to work a day in her life if she didn't want to, Ivanka joked, "as if being Donald Trump's daughter isn't the hardest job in the world." I don't know, Ivanka, have you ever tried being a construction worker? A brain surgeon? A firefighter? A busboy? Your job isn't hard and nobody is convinced it's even a real job. I think we can all recognize that Ivanka might be capable of satire, but the Internet wasn't ready to let this slide. Maybe leave the comedy to Stormy?
A bus driver chose the worst possible time to quit her job: in the middle of a shift. WFMZ reports that Lori Ann Mankos of Walnutport, Pennsylvania was drunk driving a group of middle and high school kids on Friday afternoon when she said "fuck it" and just pulled over at a gas station. According to state police, Mankos parked the bus at a Sunoco station, got out, passed the keys to a station attendant, and walked away. Thankfully, no kids were harmed, so it's okay to find this somewhat hilarious. Many parents picked up their kids at the gas station, while others were driven by an emergency bus driver who was called in from the reserves and took over. You can't help but feel impressed... not even your dad could abandon and endanger that many kids in one fell swoop.
I was thinking today I had a TARDIS I would probably end up in Paris, France and see the Eiffel Tower looking like this...

Damn Nazi Occupation. By the way, the sign says "Germany wins on all fronts." Thanks, Google translator. You know, there's some very satisfying clapbacks at Fox News in Internet history. Like...

Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that "actors" are playing "characters." Did you see the State of the Nation address a few weeks ago? There sure was some shady looks from Democrats. Like
Senator Tim Kaine...

The new trailer for Shazam dropped and I was very surprised by a scene in it. Check it out...

I'd look the other way myself. That's just me. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...

Haha. Okay, wanna laugh?

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One 75-year-old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee." An 80-year-old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90-year-old man says, "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until 9:00." 

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so a magician friend of the Phile did a show this past weekend and I was wondering how he did so I invited him back to tell us. So, please welcome back to the Phile...

Me: Hello, David, welcome back. How are you?

David: I am okay, Jason.

Me: So, how was the show? Anything crazy happen?

David: I chose this woman who was sitting with her boyfriend about 30 feet from the stage. I threw a deck of cards to her that was bundled with a rubber band. 

Me: Okay, what for?

David: She was to pick out a card, memorize it and throw them back. 

Me: That seems simple enough, David.

David: Well, when she threw them back the rubber band wasn't on tight and the deck of cards flew all over the room!

Me: Oh, man. Did you hit the deck? Hahahahaha. Better luck next time, David.

David: Thank you, Jason.

Me: David Coppafeel, the world's worst magician, kids. 

Alright, so, something crazy happened to a friend of the Phile and he wanted to come here and talk about it. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is.

Good evening, phuckerz. Everywhere I go, there’s always gotta be that one asshole who feels the need to test the limits of my patience. On my way home from work, I stop at a local cafe near my former office and I bump into this guy I knew from my last job with a few of his drinking buddies. Let’s just say he’s the type of wannabe tough guy who thinks everyone’s afraid of him simply because he’s a gym rat with a bad attitude and a big mouth. Yeah, I know... we all hate that kind of dickhead and avoid any interaction with these types unless absolutely necessary. I never liked him back when we worked together and let him know (even back then) to stay the fuck away from me, or suffer the consequences. Anyway, I see him, he sees me...  and he figures he’ll puff out his chest and attempt to show off in front of his four little cronies. Whatever... I don’t care. I have thick skin, I don’t sweat anything on two or four legs and I have no problem at all fighting him (and his friends) if it comes to that. He glares at me and says to his buddies “Yo, watch this shit.” Then, this happens... Him: Hey, Laird... is that you?” I ignored him. Him: “Hey, I’m talking to you... what’re you, fuckin’ deaf?” I looked over and started through him. Him: “Fellas, this is Jim Laird... he thinks he’s something special... a real tough guy... or at least HE likes to think so.” I smiled and eyed up all five of them... assessing my predicament. Him: “Well, ain’t you got nothin’ to say, tough guy?” Me: “Here’s the deal... I’m gonna give you a chance to look cool in front of your little friends here.” Him: “Oh, really... and what chance is that?” Me: “I’m gonna stand here, put my hands behind me and place them in my back pockets.” Him: Yeah? THEN what?” Me: "Then comes your big chance to prove how tough you are... I’m gonna give you three free swings... without taking my hands out of my back pockets to defend myself. At the end of your three swings at me, if I’m still standing... I’m going to beat you to death, in self defense... right in front of your friends.” Him: “Oh, really?” Me: “Yep.” Him: And what do you think THEY’RE going to do?” Me: "Not a fuckin’ thing because they’re curious.” Him: “About what?” Me: "About whether you’re the tough guy you act like, or the big pussy they’ve always suspected you are and I know you are.” He stated at me with jaw clenched. I put my hands in my back pockets. His friends backed away, staring at him, folding their arms across their chests. The biggest of his friends said, Well, Joe... looks like Jim here just called you out... your move” Him: “You know what? Fuck this... and fuck you. I’m outta here. I ain’t got time for this bullshit..” Me: Just what I thought... see ya around, Joe." He and his friends walked to their truck, his friends taunting him and calling him “Jim’s Bitch” the entire way.  It’s like my father used to say... “your best defense is always the ability to completely destroy someone, without laying a hand on them.” #IveAlwaysHatedBullies.

Watching the news these days can feel like some sort of sick joke, or in some cases, like some sort of actual joke. For example, when the White House tweeted out a photo of Trump hugging/spooning/dry-humping/??? a flag, I couldn't help but laugh. Like, the image is legitimately hilarious. The only problem? The White House wasn't kidding.

Who is charge over there?! Oh, right...

I would say there is no way the White House expected to post this photo without being covered in shiver inducing shade, but I've truly given up on trying to understand the logic behind their decision making process. Nonetheless, the Internet was quick to hop on the wave of criticism for this post, and let's just say the surf was looking gnarly today. People honestly could not believe that this was real life. Others noted that pussies aren't the only thing the groper in chief likes grabbing. The more I look at it, the more embarrassed I get. They used to say that art imitates life, but now it seems as though life imitates hell. 

Luke Perry 
October 11th, 1966 — March 4th, 2019
New zip code for Luke.

The 94th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Neville will be the guest on the Phile next Monday.

Today's pheatured guest is a Canadian YouTube vlogger. She won the "breakout YouTuber" category at the 10th Shorty Awards in 2018. Her videos have been compared to the films of John Hughes. Her November 2017 coming out video, in which she came out as bisexual, pushed her over the million-subscriber mark. Please welcome to the Phile... Elle Mills.

Me: Hey, Elle, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Elle: I am great!

Me: So, your YouTube videos get millions and millions of hits. Did you always want to make films and do stuff like this?

Elle: I always wanted to be in movies and TV but when YouTube became a thing, when I was in grade 5 or 6 in middle school that's when YouTube became huge and that's when I knew what I wanted to do because it was so accessible.

Me: You dropped out of school, right?

Elle: Yeah, that's right. I did a semester.

Me: Where at?

Elle: Ottawa U for marketing.

Me: So, why did you drop out?

Elle: My YouTube channel was blowing up and I decided I wanted to focus on that so I decided to take a semester off. And I haven't gone back.

Me: How did that go with your parents?

Elle: Both of them were shocked at first because I was very academically driven. But my mum was very supportive. She said, "Do whatever I wanted to do." My dad was just a little concerned for sure. But now he totally understands it. Because he just didn't understand the whole YouTube world.

Me: I don't blame them, Elle. Can you blame them?

Elle: From the older generations perspective obviously I understand what it looks like. It looks like just someone making little videos on line. But it's so much more than that. On the social medial world it's become a whole different thing. It's insane now.

Me: How long did it take you to make the videos? Some of them are between four and ten minutes long.

Elle: Hmmm... I say a solid week of straight work. Every day of every hour I'm working, so it's become a huge production at this point. I keep raising the bar and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. 

Me: I have to say you are not making videos on cats or doing unboxing, you're making videos about your life. Was that a conscious decision you wanted to reveal a lot of yourself in the videos?

Elle: Yeah, I just found my life... I don't know if this is narcistic to say, but I found my life very interesting. It's not me, it's the people in my life. They're so fascinating. They're all such characters to me. And I found that any person I meet I could turn them into a character. I like the idea of showcasing that, because I found my family specially very interesting, They're very relatable although they're just so unique, like I've never seen something like that before.

Me: Elle, the first video I saw you did was the "Coming Out" video and I was like whoa. That video got over four million views, of you "coming out." What do you think of that?

Elle: The video of me coming out has me crying on my bedroom floor. Very odd that has almost four million views.

Me: So, how did you decide that's this is how you want to come out?

Elle: I'm just so bad at being vulnerable, which is surprising if you look at my YouTube channel. But I'm very bad at being vulnerable in person. So I find being vulnerable in person is kind off a loophole to that. When I'm being vulnerable sure it's being showcased to millions of people, but at the moment me being vulnerable it's me by myself with a camera. So I'm like cheering the system, I'm being vulnerable without having to be vulnerable.

Me: What was it like when you made the decision to do that?

Elle: It's when I figured out I was bisexual. I was like, okay, now I need to tell people. It was something that was a weight on my shoulders for a long time. I was keeping a secret and I knew my mum especially, I knew she knew I was hiding something from her. So I knew it was time to release that pressure. I just thought making the coming out video would be killing a ton of birds with one stone. Like I wouldn't have to sit down with every friend and every family member and tell them. 

Me: How did the people you didn't tell personally feel about that? Not that you owed them anything. 

Elle: I know. I didn't tell my sisters, my sisters found out through the video because they were raised very religiously. So I knew they loved me and supported me no matter what. If there was any a sliver of doubt that that might be uncomfortable or react like in a way I wasn't in sure of, I just let them find out through the video.

Me: Did you have to talk about that afterwards?

Elle: Yeah, they were obviously very upset about that. They shouldn't have found out with the rest of the world, they should of found out maybe a few seconds beforehand.

Me: I get it, and I'm sure they and you do. Right? 

Elle: Yeah, I learned from that experience. So...

Me: After that you started to get thousands and thousands of people more subscribing to your YouTube channel. Was that something you noticed?

Elle: Yeah. That coming out video blew up like nothing I'ver ever seen before.

Me: Did that change the videos that you were making afterwards?

Elle: It changed in the sense that I started to put a lot of pressure on how good the videos are...? Sure the "Coming Out" video blew up because it was like when it came out everyone was being supportive, but a lot if it was they were intrigued by the story telling and how I made the actual video itself. And so I was really worried the next video was not as good or something. So that's what changed really. 

Me: So there wasn't the thought of you needed to give way more of yourself now?

Elle: No, a little bit initially right after the "Coming Out" video I was like I need to do more, I needed to go bigger.

Me: Well... you did, Elle. You made a video about getting married. Hahahaha. What is that video called?

Elle: "I Legally Married My Sister's Boyfriend." LOL.

Me: Okay, so, did you? What was that about?

Elle: Essentially this is the video I posted right after my "Coming Out" video and I decided it'll be funny because it's a joke that I'm going to be the last Mills kid to get married. It'll be funny that I went to Vegas and legally married my sister's boyfriend. And that's what I did.

Me: Oh, man. So, tell the readers what you did...

Elle: I went in the morning and came back at night and I was legally married.

Me: And then what happens?

Elle: We tell the family and the reaction is not as great as we had expected from the family. Now the family finds it funny. It was just in the moment they were a little shocked I went that far for a YouTube video.

Me: Are you still married?

Elle: No, I'm annulled now.

Me: Ahhh. I feel like it was motivated by how many views you can get, am I right?

Elle: Yes, it was riding off the "Coming Out" video which just blew up so I was like I just can't post a normal video and I was pushing myself. I was like I have to do something so crazy, like so wild to keep it going. I was so driven, I was like I don't want this to stop, I don't want the numbers to stop, so I needed to do something even crazier to keep it going. It's how the YouTube game works unfortunately. It's just like this drive in me, I just want to be relevant. It's like a drug, it's so indicting getting tase numbers and these views. Sometimes I can make people do the craziest of stuff.

Me: Do you have more empathy for people who would jump off a bridge or get punched in the face for views?

Elle: Yeah, I get it. I understand the mindset but it's like zooming out of that and looking at it from a different perspective. It's kind of weird and kind of nuts but yes, I totally understand what every person is thinking. I definitely emphasise with that for sure.

Me: Okay, so I have to ask you about the video called "Burnt Out At 19." What prompted you to make that video?

Elle: So, the pressure from the "Coming Out" video since then was slowly building up and I think my schedule got busier and busier as the numbers were going really fast and so my popularity was growing really fast. So last April was a very hectic month for me, I was barely home, I was on tour, I was at award shows, I was at conventions doing meet and greets and I was making YouTube videos on top of that. And I think I finally hit my breaking point and I had a very public breakdown on-line. 

Me: What happened?

Elle: So I posted this video on Twitter, I was not okay, I was having a mental breakdown and I flipped and I posted it and everyone was very concerned. So I had to take that video down and I had to cancel two shows. I had to take a break. I just kind of disappeared off the Internet, I just decided I needed time off. So making that video was to explain myself, because that came out of nowhere. I was the happy Elle Mills for so long and out of nowhere I was saying I'm so unhappy. So I felt like I owed my audience an explanation. Even my family, that's how I explained it to my friends and family as well.

Me: You mentioned this loophole before but this video premiered at a YouTube festival to an audience, so that's not a loophole, right?

Elle: No, that was weird. I had committed to that festival beforehand so I hadn't even made the video. So I decided to premier that video because I usually make videos with what's gong on in my life currently and that was the only thing going on in my life. I wasn't going to pretend that I was happy. So I did premier it and yeah, it was a lot.

Me: How many people saw the premier?

Elle: A couple hundred. I was lucky to have good friends besides me, supporting me, but I did have an anxiety attack that night. I just remember it was not what people expected from me.

Me: How did people react to it?

Elle: In general everyone was super supportive. In terms of my viewers everyone was like "take your time, take your break."And I think with YouTube creators it got a lot of people saying this is what they need to talk about, talking about YouTube burnout and mental health and how its affecting people and everything. It opened up a conversation.

Me: What was your life like before you started making videos?

Elle: I was on the other side watching from the outside in. Just being inside the world now, it's different, it's so weird.

Me: Where do you think the pressure comes from?

Elle: I honestly believe the pressure comes from myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I think 90% because this is all I wanted, I wanted to so badly so I'm doing anything and everything to keep it.

Me: How are you now?

Elle: I'm a lot better from April and May. A lot better, but still I have my moments. It's a work in progress, I'm still constantly working on getting better. I definitely trying to work all that out, but I have a great support system, my friends and family, my manager is really great as well. So just being open with others and working through that has been really helpful.

Me: So, do people tell you their stories when they meet you?

Elle: Yeah, that's been hard to adjust to in my opinion because I'm very bad in comforting people. I'm very bad with emotions. If my friends have a problem I'm not the friend that you go to talk to about their problems, Having to have complete strangers to cry in front of me I'm not equipped for that.

Me: How do you handle that?

Elle: I just try to figure out what I like when I'm in that state and try to do that for that other person. But it comes with the job really. I made that public, and people are just trying to tell me how my video affected them.

Me: So, what changes are you making in 2019?

Elle: Taking time between videos, not pressuring myself. We often try to cap meet and greets. Some times meet and greets can go on for four or five hours straight, so we try and cap that. We try to spin out meetings and stuff but if I'm feeling to much pressure I'm about to cancel it with no problem. And also being open with everyone.

Me: Well, I think it's brave what you're doing on YouTube, Elle.

Elle: Thank you, people say that but I don't think of it like that,

Me: Elle, thanks for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon, and take care of yourself. Mention your YouTube channel.

Elle: Thank you, Jason, I appreciate that. Youtube.com/user/ElleOfTheMills.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Elle Mills. The Phile will be back on Monday with Neville Staple. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Pheaturing Ryan Hamilton

It's Cohen down! I'm sorry, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? President Donald Trump's former "fixer"/lawyer/Barry Zuckerkorn from "Arrested Development" Michael Cohen testified before the House Oversight Committee on his ten years in the Trump Crime Family Organization. This hearing had everything: Love child rumors. Illegal payments to a porn star. The president allegedly committing crimes including suborning perjury, advanced knowledge of WikiLeaks' releasing Democrats' emails, and other crimes we don't even know of yet. It was a truly insane moment in American history. It lasted a short 7.5 hours. "Congressional testimony" is the formal phrase for "spilling the tea," and Cohen is revealed a lot, namely that everything you assume about the president is true: he is a racist who loves crimes. Republicans kicked off the hearing by arguing that there shouldn't be a hearing. They're clearly were not at all nervous about what Cohen has to say. Rep. Jim Jordan argued that the whole hearing is a conspiracy concocted to appease billionaire Tom Steyer, who wants to impeach Trump. Jordan, in addition to being one of Trump's staunchest allies in the House, was accused in a class-action lawsuit of looking the other way when the Ohio State University wrestling team doctor sexually abused the athletes. Jordan was the assistant wrestling coach for eight years, and clearly has Paterno instincts. Cohen opened up his prepared testimony with a thesis that should be the Democratic nominee's slogan in 2020: "I am ashamed because I know what Mr. Trump is. He is a racist. He is a conman. He is a cheat." The former "fixer" said that collusion is no illusion, "He was a presidential candidate who knew that Roger Stone was talking with Julian Assange about a WikiLeaks drop of Democratic National Committee emails."  Cohen also suggested that Trump knew about the infamous Trump Tower meeting with a Kremlin-connected lawyer, getting suspicious when Don Jr. got so physically close to Trump's desk. "Sometime in the summer of 2017, I read all over the media that there had been a meeting in Trump Tower in June 2016 involving Don Jr. and others from the campaign with Russians, including a representative of the Russian government, and an email setting up the meeting with the subject line, 'Dirt on Hillary Clinton.' Something clicked in my mind. I remember being in the room with Mr. Trump, probably in early June 2016, when something peculiar happened. Don Jr. came into the room and walked behind his father’s desk... which in itself was unusual. People didn’t just walk behind Mr. Trump’s desk to talk to him. I recalled Don Jr. leaning over to his father and speaking in a low voice, which I could clearly hear, and saying, 'The meeting is all set.' I remember Mr. Trump saying, 'Okay good… let me know.'" Trump was also implicated in a domestic conspiracy to sway the election... committing campaign finance violations to conceal his affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels. These are the crimes for which Michael Cohen is going to jail. Donald Trump is still president. Cohen brought receipts, in the form of checks, showing that Trump directed the payments. "Thirty five thousand dollars and no cents," complete with Trump's heart monitor of a signature. Cohen said "shit" in Congress!!! Cohen swearing was funny, but the context of the dirty word was not. He described some of Trump's most racist comments, which are as racist as his policies: He said that Trump's presidential campaign was just a massive "infomercial" to Make His Brand Great Again and that his eye was on the prize: a Trump Tower in Russia. Cohen testified... and provided proof... that he threatened Trump's alma maters and the College Board with legal action if they ever released his grades or SAT scores. Yup, Trump's obsession with President Obama's grades is Freud 101. Cohen implied that the Trump Organization, and therefore the Trump family, and therefore the Trump campaign, were compromised by a foreign adversary because they were courting a deal in Russia. NBD. Cohen said he can't answer whether or not Trump colluded, but he can say that Trump's back-and-forth compliments with Vladimir Putin was fishy. And it gets fishier! Rep. Mark Meadows brought in a black person to try and prove that Trump is not racist. Cohen only reiterated his point. Rep. Paul Gosar put up a picture of Cohen's face with "liar liar pants on fire," because Congress is a kindergarten. Cohen berated the Republican members of Congress who are working to protect Trump, telling them that he is their future. Damn. He revealed that Trump is being investigated for even more crimes in New York, because you can never have enough crimes! He confirmed that Trump was so close to convicted Russian mobster and FBI informant Felix Sater, that Sater had an office on Trump's floor. Speaking of mobsters... Trump speaks like a mobster. He acts like a mobster, too. Rep. Ro Khanna straight up called lying about the Stormy Daniels payments "financial fraud." I hope Trump shares a cell with Billy McFarland. Rep. Ayanna Pressley clarified for the congressional record that Trump still be racist even though he has a black friend. "How can I be racist if I have black people living on my property?" -Thomas Jefferson. Rep. Rashida Tlaib called out Rep. Meadows for using a black woman as a prop, and Meadows absolutely lost his shit. "How DARE you call my racist stunt racist," he basically said. "I have members of my family who are people of color!" he literally said. Because this is America, the women of color (Tlaib and Pressley) had to apologize to him. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (heard of her?) successfully got Cohen to make the case for subpoenaing Trump's tax returns. House Financial Services Committee Chairwoman Rep. Maxine Waters has the power, and oh, it is on. In his closing statement, Cohen warned that if Trump doesn't lose in 2020, "there will never be a peaceful transfer of power." Sleep well, everybody!  Okay, let's talk about something light and fun...
What is the opposite of toxic masculinity? I'm not sure of the exact terminology, but this story definitely fits the criteria. Dr. Nathan Alexander, a math professor at Morehouse College, helped out a student who couldn't find a babysitter by allowing him to bring the child to class. But he didn't stop there. He also offered to hold the baby for the entire lecture so that his student could take better notes. Don't worry, someone snapped a photo.

Because this is the sweetest, most adorable thing ever, it immediately went viral. People were so impressed by this professor's compassion, and some shared stories about when they were parents/students. Clearly, people were feeling the love. The student's wife caught wind of the story and shared her gratitude via a Facebook post. She wrote, "Seeing the outpouring of support from friends, family, and strangers for Assata and Wayne is a sight to behold. I can feel the genuine love and enthusiasm. We never asked for attention; all that I’ve personally asked for is authenticity in your love and support. We are new parents. Wayne works two jobs and is a full-time student. He's rarely at home because he's out there providing for us. With us being thousands of miles away from family and friends, I'm usually left with the baby to myself. Anyone who is and has been a new mommy understands how overwhelming it can get. Wayne wanted to give me a break. Plus, he'd get to spend more time with Assata in the process. It's a win-win. Thank you for encouraging us to continue to push forward. Thank you to black educators like Dr. Nathan Alexander for your compassion and understanding. This came at the right time. We plan and Allah plans; verily, Allah is the best of Planners." Alexandar even took the time to thank everyone for sending him kind words online. This man is... perfect. It's so nice to see a professor who supports and truly cares for his students. Being a student and a parent is incredibly challenging I am sure, and it makes a world of difference to have a teacher who understands that and steps in when needed. We can all learn from this professor. Men, take note.
Red Sox versus Yankees, Coke versus Pepsi, Backstreet Boys versus N'SYNC: three rivalries that inspire fierce loyalty to each side. And if you're a mother, there's an additional divisive issue you likely fall on one side of: breast milk versus formula. One mom experienced a disturbing incident in which her daycare provider made EXTREMELY clear which one she favors and it's freaking the Internet out big time. Dear Prudie is an advice column that Daniel Mallory Ortberg writes for Slate and sometimes the source of hilarious and/or infuriating letters. An adoptive mom who feeds her baby formula (because she's obviously not lactating) happened upon her daycare provider breastfeeding her infant. The provider claimed she was "saving the baby from chemicals [the mother] was trying to force into her body." The mom grabbed her diaper bag and ran, then wrote a letter to Prudie soliciting feedback. Though Prudie's the professional, commenters naturally had something to say. I mean, who wouldn't? And so the fight between Breast Is Best and Formula Is Fine rages on, with seemingly no end in sight. What's next? A single dad rigs a contraption that funnels only Capri Sun into his children's mouths? That would be dope, actually.
I consume a LOT of media, and most of it's television. Okay, the hours spent mindlessly browsing online definitely rival the amount of TV I watch... but there's something intoxicating about letting audio-visual goodness wash over you and escaping into something televised (or streamed on your laptop when you should be sleeping). Occasionally, someone comes across the screen that possesses a star quality, an indefinable X Factor that makes it impossible to avert your gaze. Friday, "Fox & Friends" viewers met a special man whose take on AOC's Green New Deal was so transfixing, people couldn't look away from it... or stop talking about it. He said, "Many environmentalists, and 'OAC' being one of them, do not realize that America is covered in grass. And 75% of a cow or a beef animal's body weight is made up of grass, which we cannot eat." Sorry, what? He definitely meant 'AOC' as in Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whose recent installation as the youngest-ever Congresswoman has conservatives shaking in their loafers. But the rest of his statement is difficult to parse.
Kristen Bell is a hilariously talented angel. Her marriage to Dax Shepard is 100% relationship goals and together they have two children ( Delta, 4, and Lincoln, 5) whose privacy they work hard to protect. Being a parent is hard enough, but it's definitely an added challenge when you're both famous. It's one thing for tabloids and cameras to follow you when you're an adult working in the industry you chose, it's another thing for children of celebrities who didn't choose to be famous to be forced to deal with unwanted attention. When Bell posted an adorable advertisement for diapers she did with Shepard, some people were skeptical. Maybe it's because of the fact that Bell and Shepard are a real-life couple so people took the ad more seriously than they would other commercials, but Bell wasn't going to take any shit. The child in the video isn't Bell and Shepard's real child and Bell told viewers her name isn't Jordan either.

Give it up for Kristen for being transparent about branded content on social media and how advertising actually works. Yes, she and Shepard are married and have children which is why this ad was funny, cute and effective. No, not everything you see celebrities do on Instagram is a real life depiction of their personal lives. Kristen probably had no control in the casting of this child actor and whether or not this little girl is being "exploited" is the responsibility of her parents. Good job, Kristen!

Sooo... instead of doing this blog thing I should be listening to this album...

Maybe not. Actually, it might be good. If I had a TARDIS I would probably end up aboard the U.S.S. New York in 1899 and end up watching a boxing match...

Do you know your neighbors? Have you ever written or received a note like this?

Hmmm... So, remember the State of the Union address a few weeks ago? Some Democrats sure gave some shady looks. Take Senator Bernie Sanders for example...

Have you seen Trump's new hat? I think it's appropriate...

Hahahaha. Ever try to get free shit? There are some scammiest scammers who tried to get free shit and were satisfyingly shut down.

Korean BBQ or BUST. Man, there's sure some satisfying clawbacks at Fox News in Internet history...

JFK blown away. What else do I have to say? Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Things Overheard At The Michael Cohen Hearing
5. Calling him “Mr. Trump” feels like calling a squirrel “sir.”
4. Shoutout to Jim Jordan on being shitty enough to make Donald Trump’s ambulance chasing lawyer look like Jimmy Stewart.
3. Cohen’s testimony to the House Oversight Committee is like a shitty Christmas where all the gifts are things you desperately needed three years ago.
2. Michael Cohen taking down Trump is like the Joker being defeated by dysentery.
And the number one thing overheard at the Cohen hearing was...
1. Mr. Cohen, I represent an R+250% district, and I love Donald Trump. I love him. I love his face. I love him. I love him. I love him so much. Why are you doing this to him? To us? Don’t answer. I yield my time the ranking dum-dum.

Ha! If you spot the Mindphuck let me know.

While it's funny to watch someone you don't like fail, is it still fun of the failure didn't decrease the likelihood of nuclear war? President Donald Trump was in Hanoi, Vietnam meeting one of his many dictator friends, Kim Jong Un. The North Korean Dear Leader walks away from the summit with a massive propaganda victory of being treated as an equal by the President of the United States without having to give up any of its nuclear weapons. Trump also kowtowed to Kim Jong Un when he said that he takes Kim "at his word" over the treatment of Otto Warmbier, an American student who was all but beaten to death in one of the regime's prisons. He died shortly after his release. The summit was abruptly cut short as Trump walked out like he was Mike Pence at a football game. A signing ceremony was canceled because no deal was made. Pundits say that Trump was right to walk away rather than cut a bad deal, but people couldn't help but laugh at how horrible this whole charade is for the president's "Master Dealmaker" mythology. The hashtag #TrumpFail promptly started trending as soon as people woke up to read the news. Some progressives tried to clarify the meaning of the hashtag. Advertising Rep. Ted Lieu, an Extremely Online, anti-Trump congressman from California, denounced the hashtag, explaining that even though Trump is bad, nuclear war is worse. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi also said that she was glad Trump walked away. Pelosi did slam Trump for absolving Kim for the torture of an American student. There's something wrong, indeed.

No smiling allowed! Kids are fun. I just mentioned Trump's disastrous Kim Jong Un summit. Well, a friend of the Phile has something he wants to say about it. He's singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good morning, humans. Just so that I’m crystal clear on this... The talks between President Trump and Kim Jong Un fell flat and both sides walked away without actually accomplishing anything... and you’re happy about this, merely because you hate Trump? Outstanding, great thought process. I’m glad that you’re so consumed with wanton hatred for this man, that you would actually applaud his failed attempt at making the world a safer place. #LiberalLogicInAction...

Katherine Helmond 
July 5th, 1929 — February 23rd, 2019
Who's the moss?

The 94th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Neville will be the guest on the Phile next Monday.

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?" "He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Today's pheatured guest is an American stand-up comedian who uses observational, sarcastic, and self-deprecating humor. He is known as a clean comedian and his material focuses on his own experiences, including his single life, skydiving, hot air balloons, and his huge smile. He was named one of Rolling Stone's Five Comics to Watch in 2012, and also has made standout appearances on "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert," "Conan," "The Late Late Show," and "Last Comic Standing." His first Netflix special 'Happy Face" is available for streaming right now. Please welcome to the Phile... Ryan Hamilton.

Me: Hello, Ryan, how are you? Welcome to the Phile.

Ryan: I'm really good. Thanks for having me, I really appreciate it. 

Me: I love stand-up, I do stand-up now and then, and I love it when comedians come on to the Phile. I wasn't to aware of you, but I remember seeing you on "Conan," anyway I watched some of your clips on YouTube and the first one I saw was the bit of you trying to cancel your gym membership. That was pretty funny.

Ryan: Thank you. Have you ever been through that?

Me: Nope, I have only been to the gym once in my life. The only exercise I do is "push my luck." Hahahaha. Someone mentioned a spin class or something to me the other day at work, have you heard of it?

Ryan: The Spin Class you mean. I went once. I don't know if you know Rachel Feinstein, she's a very funny great comedian, but she set up a Spin Class and see didn't show up. It happened to be a Valentine's Day class for people who were alone on Valentine's Day. That's the only time I've been to Spin Class. Hahaha. I appreciate Rachel inviting me anyway.

Me: Awe. Anyway, so, with your comedy do you like talking about stuff that not a lot of people talk about, like canceling a gym membership?

Ryan: Yeah, I like working in a broad way and wider experience and finding specific things in those things that people say "oh, yeah, I do remember that little thing."

Me: You're known as a "clean" comedian, Ryan, do you ever get tired of being identified as that? 

Ryan: I have accepted it because I am clean. Those are labels that people put. Generally comedians don't put labels on themselves, The people do and we have to at some point be able to define what we do in some way. I talk about being observational and I'm fine being labeled clean because that's what I am.

Me: Did you always want to be an observational comedian?

Ryan: Yeah, that's the kind of comedy I'm drawn to, that's who I am.

Me: Who were your stand-up influences growing up?

Ryan: Dave Barry, Seinfeld. I love those guys. Dave Barry is a honor columnist for people that don't know, who I grew up reading when I was 12 to 14-years-old.

Me: So, what made you want to become a comedian?

Ryan: It just seemed like the greatest job in the world.

Me: That's true. So, I watched some of your Netflix special "Happy Face" and thought you did a great job, being clean and everything. Do you think it's a lot harder to write a clean joke opposed to a dirty joke?

Ryan: It's interesting, I think there's great comedy over the whole spectrum personally. I think there could be good comedy that happens to be dirty, it could be original. But I would say, yeah, in general, because candy is about surprising people... generally. Yeah, I think it's a little bit harder.

Me: Have you ever met Seinfeld?

Ryan: Yeah, I've opened for him a few years ago and will be opening for him again soon.

Me: Oh, that's cool. How was that?

Ryan: It was fantastic. He loves to talk about comedy. It's great to just watch him work, because the reason it works is because he loves comedy and he loves doing what he does. He's a master at it, and we talked about that a lot. One of the things he says, "The things that I say now is 'yeah, I like to work clean, I like to work oddball.'"

Me: What does that mean?

Ryan: Like softball versus hardball. It's harder to hit a over hand fast pitch than it is to hit a lobbed softball I think what he went for.

Me: So, you have always been drawn to that kind of comedy?

Ryan: Yeah, I've always been drawn to that, that's who I am anyway. It wasn't a conscious decision that I was going to be a clean comedian because I want to make a statement or anything like that.

Me: What did you learn with spending time with someone like Seinfeld who I think is one of the most famous comedians in our time?

Ryan: I learnt so much. I watched every show. Some of the things I kind of observed and what's been the top of my mind recently with working with him, he uses everything at his disposal. Think of Seinfeld as a guy who stands there and makes astute observations. People go "that's so true, I never thought of that." But when I watch him live I realize that yes he is doing that, but he also taking everything at his disposal. He's physical, he's big, he commands the stage, he's old when he needs to be, he's soft when he needs to be. He's acting out, he's got characters. To me that's a full show and I like the idea of putting on a show. I like to entertain people, and I like to be big on the stage if I need to. We talked a lot about the writing and the way we approach comedy and this kind of clean versus dirty, the observational, all of those things.

Me: What kind off comedy do you like or watch now?

Ryan: Lately I've been into the "performance" of comedy.

Me: What do you mean?

Ryan: I think it's something comedians overlook sometimes, especially stand-up comedians. We're about writing and we like to think about jokes and we talk about jokes. I'm in a conversation with other comedians and we'll go, "Did you hear about this joke, it's brilliant." But I like pairing that with the performance and you know we are performers. And we forget about that sometimes I think. As stand-ups we go on stage and we tell our jokes, but I'm trying to learn how to perform them in a way that is accessible and fun and big and entertaining. I even hesitate to say that a little, because I think some comics may think that's too much or let the jokes sit there on their own and work, whatever. You can really sell a joke that's not great and make it work.

Me: You're a very physical comedian, don't you think?

Ryan: Yeah. I like being that way. It's taking a great joke and adding to it.

Me: Ryan, where ae you originally from?

Ryan: Ashton, Idaho. Most people just know me from Idaho but I'm from a little town called Ashton. There's about 1200 people in the whole town area.

Me: I take it the first time you did stand-up wasn't in Ashton, right?

Ryan: No, although I would do like sketches in high school for assemblies and those sort of things occasionally. I was in some high school musicals but I was never in big roles or anything like that. 

Me: So, what was it like the first time you went on stage and did stand-up?

Ryan: The very first time I was 18-years-old and I had a little radio show in college, I was studying journalism. I always loved it, it was that Dave Barry thing that got me interested. I got in stand-up in a way through journalism strangely. I had a radio show, I was always drawn to stand-up, I loved it. A few of us had these little radio shows, each had an hour every week on a college station and we were interested in comedy. We decided to put together a stand-up show even though none of us had ever been to a stand-up show. There's this little pizza place, we had a remote and we got a couple people there and we had a stand-up show. We did that about four or five times, I was 18-years-old when I did that. I did it for those four or five times and didn't really do it again until five or six years later.

Me: You're a member of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you don't drink or do drugs, Ryan, what was it like when you first got into comedy which is mostly known to be boozy and smoky.

Ryan: I don't know, I didn't think too much of it to be honest. People ask me this a lot and I don't know. It was fine for me. In the beginning doing some of these one nighters that have comedy once a month in a little bar that's in a town that was rough, that was more weird doing it like now in nightclubs in New York City.

Me: Do you think you fitted in with the others?

Ryan: Yeah. Because the thing that we all have in common is comedy, so I fit in because I'm a comedian. It doesn't really matter, we're all from all these different worlds and we're all strange and come from a place where we outsiders in our own way. Although I am very comfortable being a little bit different. I enjoy that. I grew up like that even though I'm from a small town in Idaho, I was kind of a different kid. I was one of the only kids that wasn't a farm kid. My dad's from southern California and I really latched on to that culture, I wanted to be a surfer and skater kid in the middle of Idaho. I was different there and it wasn't like I didn't have friends or whatever but I was different, and I got very comfortable being different. I think I like that and that's one of the reasons I enjoy living in New York. People want to make it a fish out of water story, and I guess it is that, and I enjoy it.

Me: Do you ever do corporate events and what is that like?

Ryan: Yeah, I do. I look around and make these tiny observations and they are like, "How does he know that? He shouldn't know that." It makes me an insider immediately. Steve Martin has this great joke about doing a conference for plumbers. I can't remember the thing but he talks about the number whatever tool and the manual he uses to find the tool, he gets so specific and he makes a farcical about this not on of finding something. But that's what comedy is. The smaller the audience gets the kind of easier it gets to make these observations.

Me: Cool, Ryan. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon. I hope to see you doing stand-up in Orlando soon.

Ryan: Thanks, Jason, I appreciate it.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Ryan Hamilton. The Phile will be back tomorrow with YouTuber Elle Mills. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon