Pheaturing Imelda May

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday... how are you? Let's start off with a fun story, shall we? Pop star Sia has always done things her own way... for years she's worn a wig that completely obscures her face during performances, explaining in a 2016 interview with the "Guardian" that she feels better being covered up than being in the public eye (in 2013 she famously did a photoshoot with a paper bag over her head). She told "Guardian," "Everybody in the entertainment industry is insecure. We have been tap-dancing our entire lives for your approval and you won’t meet anybody who is in the entertainment industry who isn’t a bit fucked in the head." But the infamously private pop star did something unexpected when she found out that someone was trying to sell nude pictures of herself sunbathing on a balcony to her fans. Instead of trying to stop the person, or being embarrassed, she just released the photo herself, in a tweet that is now being called "legendary" by celebrity blogger Perez Hilton. The pic s obviously NSFW because BUTT. ...

Along with the picture of her derriere, she wrote, "Someone is apparently trying to sell naked photos of me to my fans. Save your money, here it is for free. Everyday is Christmas!" (Sia does have a holiday album coming out this year, called "Everyday is Christmas.")And Sia's fans went crazy for the tweet, not so much because of the naked pic, but because she was brave enough to just put the damn thing out there herself. Way to go, Sia! From completely covered to entirely exposed, the woman is fearless, I just wish she posted a front pic. Just sayin'.
As sexual misconduct allegations against Hollywood bigwigs become public, a common theme in the news is how the disgusting behavior have been "open secrets" in the industry for years. And with an "open secret," comes a joke on "30 Rock" and/or "Family Guy." Like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey before him, director/producer/alleged harasser Brett Ratner got a shout-out from Seth McFarlane, a quick line in a 2012 episode of "Family Guy" that refers to him being disgusting. According to Death and Taxes, this episode featured Brian the dog dressing up as a sheikh or emir to infiltrate a sex slave auction, in which the baby Stewie was up for sale (what?). After the infant does his little dance to Katy Perry's "California Girls," the auctioneer says "Thank you, Brett Ratner," to a guy who bid $75,000. I'm curious to see what other non-secret secrets McFarlane has referenced over the years. My son is obsessed with that show so maybe I'll find out soon.
The Russian lawyer who met with Donald Trump Jr. in June 2016 says that the president's eldest told her "if we come to power, we can return to this issue and think what to do about it," regarding a bipartisan U.S. law passed to punish Russian officials. Many are interpreting this as a quid pro quo offer from the Trump administration to Natalia Veselnitskaya... widely believed to represent Putin's government... who also said that the most embarrassing Trump child wanted "financial documents showing that money that allegedly evaded U.S. taxes had gone to Clinton's campaign." "She didn't [have the documents] and the meeting quickly fell apart." No analyst, journalist, or armchair observer of the political circus really trusts the Russian lawyer who met with Donald Trump Jr. in June 2016. Still, her new interview with "Bloomberg Politics" has given everyone more than enough to think about, as she dished hereto unheard details from her meeting with Trump's eldest, a pow-wow also attended by Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner. This isn't the first or last time we'll hear about the Veselnitskaya meeting, so you better figure out how to spell her name. There's more implications in the "Bloomberg" article, too: Luckily for Trump supporters, all of this is invalid because CNN jumped to conclusions about the way Donald Sr. fed koi fish in Japan. Instead of responding to the collusion story, Donald Jr. has decided instead to keep his most recent tweets about how Trump did not, in fact, spontaneously murder a bunch of koi fish. #AbeDumpedFirst. Enjoy that defense when you hear it spouted by the Trumps' lawyers in front of Congress.
A picture of a cyclist flipping off President Donald Trump's motorcade has gone viral, and as a result, the woman was fired from her job, Huffington Post reports.

The picture was taken by a White House photographer traveling with the motorcade, and once news outlets picked it up it went viral on Twitter almost immediately, with people tweeting about the (then unknown) cyclist using the hashtag #Her2020. The woman, whose name is Juli Briskman, is a 50-year-old mother of two who was employed by a government contractor called Akima LLC at the time the picture was taken. Briskman says she had no idea that a picture was taken of her when she flipped Trump's motorcade the bird. But when the image started to blow up on social media, Briskman figured she should tell her company's HR department about it. In an interview with Huffington Post on Saturday, Briskman said that the day after she told HR, her bosses let her know that she had broken the rules of the company's social media policy because she used the photo as her profile picture on Twitter and Facebook, adding, "We're separating from you." Briskman explained, “Basically, you cannot have ‘lewd’ or ‘obscene’ things in your social media. So they were calling flipping him off ‘obscene.’" In response, Briskman said stressed to her bosses that she wasn't on the job when the picture was taken, and that her social media accounts don't mention where she works. But her bosses countered that since Akima is a government contractor, their business could be hurt by the photo. As Huffington Post points out, Virginia is an employment-at-will state, which means that employers can fire people at any time, for any reason. Fair enough, but what really bothers Briskman about losing her job over something like this is that recently a male colleague, who had Akima LLC as his cover photo, called someone a “a fucking Libtard asshole” on Facebook. All that happened in his case is that he was reprimanded and told to delete the post. Obviously, he kept his job. Briskman asked Huffington Post, “How is that any less ‘obscene’ than me flipping off the president? How is that fair?” Here's how: it's definitely not.
If you've sent or received a text message in the past week, odds are you've noticed a rather frustrating glitch. (And if you haven't sent or received a text message in the past week, odds are you've had some really nice alone time that, TBH, I'm a little jealous of.) The glitch in question happens when someone who's updated their iOS to the latest version types the word "I." For some inexplicable reason, "I" autocorrects to the letter "A" followed by a question mark in a square. As the glitch became more widespread, more and more people vented their frustration. Not to mention, this nonsense has been going on for nearly a week now. Despite having so much time to fix the glitch, all Apple seems to have done so far is offer a hack to autocorrect the problem away. The tech giant explained the quick fix on its support page yesterday. Here’s what you can do to work around the issue until it’s fixed in a future software update: Go to Settings General > Keyboard > Text Replacement. Tap. For phrase, type an upper-case "I". For shortcut, type a lower-case "i."
Ever go into a public restroom and see something that kinda stuns you? check this out...

Why? People here in Florida try to get away with getting certain things on their license plates... like this one...

I wonder who Joe Blow is... If I had a TARDIS I might want to go back in time and try to stop Hitler like Nick Fury tried to do in a "Fantastic Four" comic once. I'll approach Hitler and he'll be like...

Hahaha. You know, not all Nazis are bad. Look at these two...

So, parents, I hope your child doesn't bring a note like this home from school...

I wanna know what the poem was. Ugh. So, don't ask me why, but I tried to Google "ballet slippers" and insured I Googled "battle slippers" and this is what I got...

Who would of thought? Hahaha. I mentioned the "i'"glitch on iPhones is ruining lives. Well, check out Apples new ad...

See? All is good. So, my son and I were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together when he was a kid. That show has changed a lot since then...

"I don't know where that damn telephone booth took me," Grover cried to the stunned pedestrians. "But I damn sure introduced the natives to sexual crimes never before imagined."

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, you know what is the best? Tooting. Haha.

Nothing conjures images of the apocalypse like a strong fart. This 8-year-old author understands that. A pair of book covers were posted to Imgur on April 2014. The volumes? "The Fart that Killed Everyone" and its companion, "The Fart that Killed Everyone 2." The photo has been seen over half a million times. The author? The next Crichton, I assume. Except, allegedly, this writer is eight-years- old. Still, I have a few questions before the inevitable book club discussion. Is the fart sentient? Does it have a name? If the first great fart killed everyone, how is there a sequel? In any event, can't wait for the movies to come out.

Haha. Okay, so, with the recent shootings at the Texas church a friend of the Phile wanted to come here and say something about it. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man... you know what time it is...

Good morning, phuckerz. This waste of skin who killed those poor Texas churchgoers was a truly reprehensible human being from A to Z... Dishonorably discharged from the U.S. Air Force. Jailed for domestic abuse against both his child and the child's mother. A devout atheist who had a deep hatred for anyone who was religious. This is a crime of hate as well as an act of terrorism... and should be approached as such. We have far too many defective human beings getting their hands on highly powerful weapons with great ease. Gun laws simply don't work at keeping guns out of the hands of NUTS and CRIMINALS (who don't obey laws, to begin with) HOWEVER... keep in mind, the church shooter was eventually stopped by two legally armed, everyday citizens. Who confronted, shot, pursued and may have killed the gunman. I don't claim to know what the answer to the problem is... I've just grown tired of repeatedly feeling the need to ask the question.

Donald Trump is in Japan and there's some wacky shenanigans going down. Out with his buddy Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, the two leaders took a break from the North Korea standoff with a little visit to the koi pond, as you do. Amongst the fishies, controversy struck. If you see the pic you'll definitely think that Trump just got bored and dumped way too much fish food in the water. As anyone who's had a goldfish will assume, the fish would greedily eat it all up, get fat, and die because they have even worse portion control than you do. But then THE TRUTH CAME OUT. #AbeDumpedFirst. It's possible Trump tried to assassinate all those fish by giving them way too much food, but if he did, he was only following orders. When the prime minister and the president come to town, the fish eat like kings. Most likely, that was the allotted amount of food. Prime Minister Abe dumped his fish food in the water before Trump. The Koi truthers were justified, and they were furious. After all, the CNN article did wait until the fifth paragraph to reveal the fishy truth, that "Abe... actually appeared to dump out his box of food ahead of Trump." Therefore, all Russian collusion must be a media lie, right? Look forward to #KoiGate coming up every time a new Trump official gets indicted. Because if the media can make a mockery of the president's fish-feeding, doesn't that mean special counsel Mueller can also fabricate ironclad evidence of serious wrong-doing by the administration?

The 69th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum and Laura will be the guest on the Phile in a  few weeks.

This s really cool... today's guest is an Irish singer and songwriter whose latest album "Life Love Flesh Blood" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile, the very talented and good looking... Imelda May!

Me: Hello, Imelda, welcome to the Phile. I'm such big fan. How are you?

Imelda: Great to be here. I'm good.

Me: Imelda, where are you originally from? Ireland, right?

Imelda: Dublin, but grew up in the Liberties area of that city.

Me: I love the new album "Live Love Fresh Blood." You must be happy with it as well, right? 

Imelda: Yeah, I'm happy the way it turned out. We did it al; live, fifteen songs in seven days then I spent a day or two doing the backing vocals after I sent everyone away. It didn't take long to make, but it took ages to write and ages to edit. I worked more on that than anything.

Me: I love the song "Should've Been You." It sounds very Phil Spectorish. Was that the plan?

Imelda: That was the plan. I had to fight for that one with the record company and I won. I wanted to have a soft vocal and a heavy band. I liked the soft contrast between that and it confused them a little bit. T Bone was definitely with me on that and said if I wanted to stick to it he'll be behind me.

Me: I was gonna ask about him... what was it like working with T Bone Burnett who produced this album? Does he give a lot of feedback with the songwriting?

Imelda: No, I had the album written before I met him. He's a very clever man and and he has different ways of working with different people which is the secret of his success so I don't know how he is when he works with anyone else but with me because I produced my first two albums and co-produced the last with Mike Crossey. With T Bone I knew he was a big character and a genius and I loved what he's done. He asked me a few questions, not tested me, but asked me a few questions to make sure I was getting him for the right reasons and not because I wanted the name T Bone Burnett on the album. I obviously passed that but I am a big fan of his and I knew what I wanted and I knew what he did. He picked up that I was completely nervous about handing over the reins because I produced my own stuff before. I'm not a control freak but when you do something that is not mainstream you often get people trying to get you to compromise, to help it go well. I might compromise a little of course but if I compromised too much I might of ended up making music I don't like. So he involved me in every way possible and he was brilliant. He had his own ideas, of course he did, and everything he came up with I absolutely adored. Part of his thing is to pick the right people for the right place and the right time and everything else sort of falls into place. He thought a lot who he was going to get on this album and he juggled it around a bit. I could see him moving names around on the table seeing what would sit. He didn't go into the songwriting other than saying something like "that middle that you wrote, I think you could write stronger." I just went off into his kitchen and sat there for awhile and wrote a different middle.

Me: You play a few instruments... bass, guitar, piano and such. When you wrote what instrument do you use?

Imelda: I don't play bass. I play a bit of percussion and I play enough guitar to write on but I'm not confident enough to play it for everybody. I hire a guitarist to do it well. I have a little guitar that I sit in the corner with that fits me as I'm only small. I play around on that and see what I come up with but I take it anyway that I can get it. It's like fishing or something. Sometimes it feels like they are giving themselves away but you have to be willing to catch them if that makes sense. If you're fighting it and pushing it in different ways you'll miss it. I just open my mind and it tends to come to me. Sometimes I come up with melody and lyrics just in my head. Probably 80% of the time they'll come together. I get crazy because if I ever get bored my brain goes into overdrive I entertain myself in my head. Sometimes when I'm walking I feel like I'm walking in a glass box... I'm not involved, just observing. It's kind of like an out of body experience. I'm just watching things what people are doing and I things people say. I can't do that all the time, I'll go mental. I do have moments like that when I write and I tend to find it when I'm writing it's all consuming.

Me: On this album you did some co-writing, right? Is that something you like to do, write with other people?

Imelda: I loved it mostly... on the ones I didn't love it those songs will never see the light of day. I got through it because it'll be rude to just leave if I wasn't feeling it. It's like speed dating or something. There's nothing wrong with it it's just not a match in anyway. Some people I wrote with were professional songwriters and I found them very methodical and I found that soulless. It's like paint by numbers, I couldn't wait to get out of of there. But they sent the songs to their publishers so they might be terrible songs with my name on them somewhere. There were a free I really clicked with and it was beautiful. I found it very interesting to see how someone else writes because I never go to do that and they were well rounded and quite disciplined and they had to be exact and end on time, and I was able to just leave and go back to work on it later. It's part of the reason I did it, I wanted to discipline myself and finish a song in an exact time. Sometimes it would just fly in one session and one point I went a bit mad. My manager had me do three song writing sessions a day. My brain began to melt... they weren't the best songs I've written I have to say.

Me: Haha. I love the song "Black Tears," it sounds just like a Patsy Cline song. What is that song about? What is are black tears?

Imelda: I hear that a lot... the Patsy Cline comparison. I got that after doing the Jools Holland show. My sister said, "She's doing that old standard "Black Tears.'" I found that quite flattering to be honest. About the name... I have a notebook with me all the time and I write down a line that somebody says or whatever and that was a title I had. I remember coming into a house and like most people they had a mirror by their door and I closed the door and saw my reflection and it looked like I was crying black tears. It was my mascara just running down my face and it looked like black tears and I thought there's a song in there. I saw the positive in it. That was the night, which I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I was miserable and found a leftover ham sandwich, and I hadn't eaten meat in 25 years and I saw this old nasty half eaten ham sandwich and I just sat on the floor and I ate it. It's devastating, isn't it? How glamorous!

Me: Awe. You recorded this album in Nashville, right? What did you think of Nashville, working there? It's a cool city, isn't it?

Imelda: It is. My manager said I mentioned co-wriring and said Nashville was the place to do it. They were loads of songwriters there and I thought they were all country songwriters but they are not, there's everything there. So I said okay, I'll try it and I found it interesting going down Music Row where everybody is writing in every room in every building . It's phenomenal!

Me: Jeff Beck plays on that track which is amazing. I recently heard an interview with Alice Cooper who praised Beck like crazy. My dad knew him pretty well, and I wish I could interview him here on the Phile. what was he like to work with?

Imelda: He's phenomenal. It's like singing with a vocalist, not a guitarist. He makes the guitar cry. I think he's the best in the world. Just how he can move you someone and how he can read a song and know what mood it needs to be. He's very open mind and a thoughtful thinker. It was a magic moment.

Me: I love the song "Leave Me Lonely," Imelda. Was that a hard song to sing?

Imelda: No, I knew on this album I wanted to sing, I wanted to let my voice free if you like. I love to punch out songs and not a lot of women get to do that. I was really enjoying flying that flag, but then I got to the point where I wanted to sing because I didn't always do that kind of stuff. I wanted to get back to my roots and sing again and write what I felt like doing. With "Leave Me Lonely" I nearly dropped that song but T Bone asked me to keep it.

Me: It's so cool that Bob Dylan said he is a big fan of yours... and Bono is as well. Didn't Bono do something on this album with you?

Imelda: I nearly fell over when I heard Bob Dylan say he liked me. I feel like I did something right when I got a "God lyricist" say that about me. I was just thrilled. Bono was just very, very helpful. He is such a poet and he texts poetically and it's hard to decipher what he's trying to say. He's such a writer and a creative thinker... I love being around him. He had me focused. When he heard what I was writing he said he liked it and gave me his email and said if I get stuck on anything we all need someone to lean on and a critic like a proper critic. I didn't think of it until I actually got stuck. I really didn't know what to do. My record company is great, I have to say, they backed me up all the time. But I got the call saying, "If you just add a bit of this and less of a bit of that and play to down here..." that sort of thing. They were quite honest with me saying they're not trying to change me they just want to help and get the record out there. It's just decisions like that as I'm all about the songs and Bono said to me, "Just focus. Do you want to make a hit or do you want to make art?" He was really, really good and T Bone would give me the other side of it. There's no point in making great art if nobody plays it. I loved working with both of them. Bono was there in the background advising me in loads of stuff.

Me: Who are you influences, Imelda? Who did you listen to growing up?

Imelda: Billie Holiday was my first records I bought, she was my first love. That got me to listen to loads of blues and jazz. That got me into Howlin' Wolf, which got me into Willie Dixon. Also Nina Simone... I loved the way she sang. She can take someone else's song and I swear on my life she wrote it. I found out a million people did it before but I never noticed it until she did it. Oh, I loved Roy Orbison... I loved his lack of rules. He went where he wanted and could do three songs in one. Later on as things went on Leonard Cohen is my God... I think he's the best writer that has ever lived. He once asked me to have lunch but he died so I didn't get to have lunch with him unfortunately. I was so gobless... not because I didn't have lunch with him of course, but because we lost one of the best songwriters.

Me: Wow. My dad, who was Lonesome Dave from Foghat, had a chance to meet Elvis Presley in Vegas once as he was told Elvis was fan of my dad, who was a fan of Elvis, but pre-Army Elvis. He always said Elvis "died" in the Army. Anyway, Foghat's manager was setting up a meeting with my dad and Elvis but my dad turned it down as he didn't want to meet his hero. A few months later Elvis died. Anyway, how do you think your music and writing has changed from your first record and this one?

Imelda: That's sad your dad didn't meet Elvis. I try to evolve on every album for different reasons. I write the album I need to write for me. "Love Tattoo" was great because nobody was listening and I did what I wanted to record and how I wanted it. "Mayhem" was me playing with production because I was really getting into the production side of things and pushing different effects because "Love Tattoo" was pretty minimal and I wanted it to be raw and quite live. With "Tribal" I wanted to push it to its heaviest. It's rockabilly with a punk edge on it at times. I did that purposely as I knew that was the last album of that kind I wanted to write so I purposely pushed it as far as I was comfortable with. I was really happy where it went. And I was really curious where I'm going next... I like not knowing.

Me: Your songs are sometimes serious, but sometimes very humorous. Do you like to write funnier songs?

Imelda: I like humor in songs and I like a slight dark side. I also love all the whole horror movies and things like that. The video I made for "Good To Be Alive" I got to be the bride of Frankenstein. I like to hide things in there as well. On "Good To Be Alive" the versus are quite dark and the chorus I wanted to be so uplifting and bright. Most people just notice the chorus and think that's a nice song but it's actually not. I like different songs that throw things at you. You think you know where it's going and you don't. I love the Undertones, they're a punk band, they're heavy but often write with a lot of humour. I also love the Cramps, they also had a lot of humour as well. I love Blake Mills as well. I moved from Leonard Cohen to Blake Mills. I love his songs. "Cry to Laugh" is a great song... you think lyrically you know where it's going but he keeps flipping it on its head.

Me: I have to show a pic from that video where you are the bride of Frankenstein...

Me: What is harder for you to write, Imelda, ballads or the rockier stuff?

Imelda: I find the process of writing songs when I'm heartbroken is more natural and I'm focusing inwards. Writing is a good way to get that out. But when I'm having a great time I'm just too busy and don't go into that place on my own in the corner. Writing a happy song is making me disciplined enough to do it but I wouldn't say writing a slow song is more difficult. More in the mood I think brings me to that place probably quicker.

Me: So, when you got the band together for this album did you guys do a bunch of demos? Did they know what they were going to play?

Imelda: With this album we just went in and played. They heard my demos and just started playing. I had many discussions with T Bone before, that was one thing we did. We sat and met and he wanted all kinds of references. I told the band on "Live Love Flesh Blood" everyone is playing so well, but imagine that you are trained in music and you end up somehow in a circus. The circus is not going well, everyone has left, you're all slightly drunk and lost sight with what it is you are doing in life. You're slightly pissed off, but slightly living for the gig and it's the end of the night, your tie is undone... then play it. They played it and it was right. That lazy, hanging back, slightly wrong feel to it that I was looking for for "Live Love Flesh Blood." It needed to feel a little more fucked up. It was too nice. Everybody hit the right notes, using the right tempos... it was beautiful. I didn't want it to be that beautiful, I wanted it to be a little more fucked up, so that is what they played. They got a little nastier at the end.

Me: Cool. I know you have to go, Imelda, thanks so much for being on the Phile. I hope this was fun.

Imelda: I hope I didn't write too much, Jason. I'll tell you why I said so much... I have been doing a years worth of interviews and very, very often I don't get to talk in depth about the songwriting but that's what drives me and so to have an interview where you are actually interested in it because I'm nerdy like you. And I like all those details and it's often people ask about my hair, my lipstick and my marriage but you didn't ask me about that at all. I always get the same questions and always get the same answers but at some point it gets boring. But this one was brilliant. Thanks so much for asking me about the band, T Bone Burnett, because it's not a solitary thing making a record. It involves a lot of people and a lot of talent from every angle, like what T Bone said, to the right people, the right place, the right time.

Me: You're welcome. Thanks so much. Go ahead and mention your website and I hope you'll come back on the Phile again soon.

Imelda: Imeldamay.co.uk. Thanks, Jason.

That about does it for this entry. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Imelda May. I love that album and her other four albums. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Tish Meeks from 3 Kisses. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Phile Alum Graham Wood

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? Here's a crazy story to start off... Trump-supporter and overall racist, Laura Loomer, has been banned from using Lyft and Uber ever again after she posted a series of racist tweets blaming the fact that she couldn't find a "non Muslim" cab driver for making her late to a NYPD press conference yesterday. The right-wing activist has been posting a lot of controversial (translation: racist) tweets since Tuesday's New York City attack in which eight people were killed and twelve badly injured after an alleged former Uber driver drove a truck down a bike path in Lower Manhattan. In a brief email yesterday, Uber told Business Insider that Loomer had been banned for violating community guidelines. Lyft told them they'd deactivated Loomer's account. Good luck getting around now, lady. Seems like Loomer is going to have to continue being late to things now that she's been banned by the two biggest car services.
As NFL players have worked to bring awareness to the issue of police brutality, it is important to remember the real victim of this struggle: Papa John's Pizza. Papa John's, "the official pizza company of the NFL" according to ESPN, is blaming football players' for its recent dip in sales."The NFL has hurt us," company founder and CEO John Schnatter told ESPN. "We are disappointed the NFL and its leadership did not resolve this." Surprisingly, people are not moved by how protesting injustice has come to hurt a billionaire pizza mogul. Some people are even victim-blaming the 'za for it's failure to sell. Others suggest that this is all part of Papa's plan. Please keep Papa John in your thoughts and prayers during this devastatingly trying time.
Donald Trump Jr. got roundly roasted on Twitter Tuesday night after he tried (and failed) to make a joke about socialism. His tweet, in which he exploited his very young daughter to make a (wrong-headed) political point, got so much attention that it overshadowed another unintentionally hilarious thing Donald Jr. did, which is dress up like his own damn father for Halloween. Yes, that happened. No, he definitely doesn't have any daddy issues or anything. Don Jr.'s Instagram post included three pictures, and the one in which you can best see the costume is the third.

It is truly unsettling. It's not a full Donald Trump costume... there's no badly cut suit or overly wide Scotch taped tie. Instead, Jr. went with a Trump wig, and then donned a skin-tight American flag body suit. Like, SKIN-TIGHT. Yikes. This is a man who thinks kneeling in silent protest during the singing of the national anthem is disrespectful to the flag, but wearing it as a costume stretched against his, ahem, private area is totally fine. Interestingly, this goes against the official Flag Code, which states, "The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform, except that a flag patch may be used on the uniform of military personnel, fireman, policeman and members of patriotic organizations." Nice that the son of the President of the United States has no idea what actually meets the standards of respect for the American flag. Somehow I'm not surprised.
Do you remember sitting in school, wondering when the heck you were ever going to use the things you learned in the classroom in real life? Well, consider this newspaper headline-gone-wrong to be a cautionary tale....This headline from the Pratt Tribune shows how one tiny grammatical error could turn a totally innocuous story into an eyebrow-raising exclusive on sexually active high school students.

Yeah, you might need to read that a few times in order to get it. These students were getting first-hand job experience, not running around giving each other the ol' tug-of-love. It's actually first-hand. Adjectival clause. See? You should have listened to all those English teachers when they told you grammar is important!
If you saw these last few days that "Civil War" was trending on Twitter... don't freak out. No, we aren't going to war with each other (yet), but these stupid controversial comments made by President Trump's White House Chief of Staff John Kelly definitely are not helping to bridge the widening divide in the United States. On Monday, General Kelly appeared on Laura Ingraham’s show on Fox News, where the conversation turned to Confederate statues. Yes, people are still talking about this, apparently. That is when General Kelly called Confederate general Robert E. Lee "an honorable man" and said that "the lack of an ability to compromise" led to the Civil War. "I would tell you that Robert E. Lee was an honorable man," Kelly told Ingraham. "He was a man that gave up his country to fight for his state, which 150 years ago was more important than country. It was always loyalty to state first back in those days. Now it’s different today. But the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War, and men and women of good faith on both sides made their stand where their conscience had them make their stand." The comments definitely raised some eyebrows, and several progressives on Twitter. Hm, using the old "both sides" argument to explain the Civil War? That sounds mighty familiar...
So, if I had a TARDIS I would go back in time to 1931 and meet Albert Einstein at the Grand Canyon. I always wanted to see the Canyon. What? You think he never went there?

Told ya. So, I tried to search "emo" on Google and instead typed in "emoo" and this is what I got...

Hahaha. You know, I have been known once in awhile to misread a situation. But at least I'm not as bad as this person...

Hahaha. Hey, did you see the new season of "Stranger Things" yet? I haven't, but I saw there was something familiar about it...

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. Ha. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...

I mentioned Papa John's earlier... well, have you seen their new pizza boxes?

Oh, boy. Hey, kids, so, it's Thursday... you know what that means...

For 30 years, Mark Berndt, an elementary school teacher in Los Angeles, liked to play a "tasting game" with his young students. He would blindfold them and then feed them cookies... laced with his own jism. The authorities were only alerted to the sick scheme when a drugstore photo printer noticed a lot of photos with young children wearing blindfolds. When police investigated Berndt's classroom, they found a spoon which was tested to find traces of his semen. He eventually pleaded no contest to 23 counts and was sentenced to serve at least 25 years behind bars. Many of his former students are in therapy and can no longer eat sweet foods.

Ummm... haha. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. This is a good one. Okay, so someone who works for the White Hoise wanted to come onto the Phile and speak about something. I said, sure, why not. So, this is really exciting... here for the first time is...

Sarah: Oh my darlin', oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' Clemintine... Hello, Jason.

Me: Ummm. Hello, Sarah... ummm. what do you want to say?

Sarah: Well, at a press briefing two days ago, I found myself in hot water for my comments about slavery. I seemingly defended Robert E. Lee, who led the Confederacy, by saying all of our leaders have been flawed.

Me: Yeah. And?

Sarah: So yesterday, a reporter turned that defense back around on me. He said, "Yesterday, from that podium, you said all of our leaders have flaws... what are President Trump's flaws?"

Me: And what did you say, Sarah?

Sarah: "Probably that he has to deal with you guys on a daily basis," I quickly responded, with a small smile, before calling on someone else. "In fairness, he doesn't deal with us on a daily basis," the reporter continued. "I think most every day actually he does," I responded. The reporter pressed for more, "So what are his flaws then? I guess, simple question." I responded, "I just gave you one."

Me: Really, girl? That's the best response you can think of? Making fun of the media, while talking to the media, while your fate is basically dependent on the media? Not to mention, ragging on the media has become your go-to joke whenever you can't think of a satisfactory lie to make up in the moment. To be fair, being asked to share your boss' flaws while on the job and in front of a bunch of reporters is not a fun situation... I'd probably make a joke too. But my joke would be much better than yours. Hey boss, if you're reading this, you have no flaws and even if you did I would never tell the media. Oh wait, aren't we the media? That wasn't the only followup question you were asked about slavery today, right?

Sarah: No. At a briefing, April Ryan, a CNN contributor, made headlines for shouting "Does this administration think that slavery was wrong?" at me as the I concluded the briefing. I called on Ryan, and the two of us got into a bit of a heated conversation. At the end of their back-and-forth, Ryan directly asked me the question that's been hiding between the lines all week, "Does this administration believe, does this president believe slavery was wrong?" My face immediately had a reaction, but Ryan continued. "And before you answer, Mary Frances Berry, historian, said in 1860 there was a compromise," Ryan said. "The compromise was to have southern states keep slavery but the Confederacy fired on Fort Sumter that caused the Civil War. And because of the Civil War, what happened in..." And then I cut her off. "I think it is disgusting and absurd to suggest that anyone inside of this building would support slavery," I said.

Me: Disgusting? Umm, okay. Absurd? Hm... considering Donald Trump's hesitancy to condemn white supremacists, it's not too absurd a thing to suggest. Thanks for coming here, Sarah, please don;t come back again. Sarah Huckleberry Hound, everybody. Oh, boy, that was so stupid.

Hey, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff, kids.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome to the Phile. Did you have a good Halloween? Did you dress up? I was Axl Rose this year, which was pretty fun except the hair from the wig kept getting in my face.

Jeff: Always good to be back here on the Phile. No, I had a quite Halloween. I did sit in my room wearing a Batman mask though. Is that weird?

Me: Of course not. Okay, so, I have to mention this about your Steelers... Steelers WR JuJu Smith-Schuster made history with a 97-yard touchdown. What the hell? He's the youngest player in the NFL as well, am I right? You must like this kid, Jeff, he's good. 

Jeff: Jeff: Oh, I'm certainly loving JuJu Smith-Schuster. The 97 yard TD isn't what made history (though I do believe he's the youngest player in history to score a TD that long) but he's also the most touchdowns in the history of the league before the age of 21. So yeah, he's going to be an exciting player to watch!

Me: By the way, did you hear he had his bike stolen? I thought it was funny he was wearing these cleats...

Jeff: Considering the NFL has fined people for things like that, I'm surprised that player didn't get a fine. That'd have been insult to injury. Stolen bike and losing money!

Me: I thought this was funny... it rained so much at the Jets/Falcons game someone on the Jets approved the printing of thousands of Jets ponchos but the white ponchos made MetLife Stadium look like a KKK rally. Check it out.

Jeff: Oh, that's bad. At least it was a Jets game and there weren't a lot of people in the stands. That would have been worse. The Republican party might have tried to crash the game. Sorry, bad joke but I couldn't resist.

Me: No, that was good. Was this a good idea, Jeff? Hahaha.

Jeff: I can think of about a 1,000 better ideas than that. So no.

Me: Okay, what's some other news in the NFL?

Jeff: The trade deadline is this week. The biggest trade is the 49ers traded for New England backup QB Jimmy Garapolo. All last season New England refused to trade him, saying he would be the heir apparent to Tom Brady when Brady decided to retire. But I guess they changed their mind. So poor Jimmy, going from one of the most successful teams to an Owen Eight, I mean 0-8 team. Maybe he can turn them around?

Me: So, Disney has once again taken over another team... look at this new logo... whatcha think?

Jeff: What do I think? That just looks weird. No, no I don't like that.

Me: Okay, so, how did we do last week? Am I at least catching up a little bit?

Jeff: Sorry, but not sorry. You didn't catch up. You did the opposite. The Steelers won and I pulled a perfect week going 2-0. The Giants had a bye week. You picked Seattle, and they won. But they didn't cover your point spread. You went 0-2. So my lead grows! I lead 24-9.

Me: Ugh! Double high! Alright, let's do this weeks picks... I say Cowboys by 2 and Cardinals by 8. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks for week 9 are Seahawks by 7 and Saints by 10.

Me: Okay, great job. I'll see you back on the Phile next Wednesday instead of next Thursday, Jeff. Have a good week.

Jeff: Have a good one, everybody!

The 69th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Author and Phile Alum will be the guest on the Phile in a few weeks. So, my son and I were recently talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together when he was a little. That show sure has changed a lot in the years.

"First off, let me get something straight here. If any of you squinty eye fuckers try and serve me your dog, I am out of here faster that you can say Hiroshima. Capiche?

Yeah, for the second year I will posting the blog from the Clermont Comic Con. It should be fun. Okay, now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Startling Similarities Or Differences Between Kevin Spacey's Apology And The Special Counsel Indictments
5. Just confirmed what was widely known to be true.
4. Extensively covered on FOX News.
3. A Trump pardon is in the bag.
2. Could have a significant impact on the final season of "House of Cards."
And the number one startling similarity or difference between Spacey's apology ad the indictments is...
1. Will likely lead to the impeachment of the President.

Today's pheatured guest is a Phile Alum whose videos and songs have gotten over millions of views. His latest "(My) Summertime" and "Stop!" are able to watch now on YouTube. Please welcome back to the Phile... Graham Wood.

Me: Hey, there, welcome back to the Phile. How have you been, sir?

Graham: I’m well thanks and thanks for having me back. Advanced warning for your readers. I don’t do emojis so please use your common sense as to where humour maybe used.

Me: Okay. This year you released two brand new songs and videos and I have to talk about them... but first I want to talk to you about the video and song "Grim Reaper, Leave Our Celebs Alone!!" That song was very smart and clever... it's also an original tune, am I right?

Graham: Thank you. Yes, it was indeed an original.

Me: Do you find it harder to write a parody song like what Weird Al does, or an all original song? 

Graham: For me a parody is no difficult to create than an original. I would say that if I hear a certain song on the radio and start singing in my head or out loud an alternative line then this could be a blank canvass for me to carry on writing. I suppose you could say the parody is slightly easier as the melody line is already there. I’m saying this, but the original music I write is so basic anyway that any bugger could do it.

Me: Do you like Weird Al?

Graham: It probably sounds ridiculous, but I’m only aware of his Michael Jackson parodies from when I was mere boy. However, a friend of mine introduced me to some of his polka stuff a few years ago and I found this highly amusing. He is certainly the king of the parodies.

Me: Who are your musical influences, Graham? I know you're a big Beatles fan, am I right?

Graham: Yes, the Beatles are up there. Lyrically I am pretty much drawn to gritty poetic story writers like Carter USM, Billy Bragg, Paul Heaton and Pam Ayres.

Me: That's cool. Billy Bragg is gonna be on the Phile soon I hope. Go you go to see concerts often?

Graham:  No. To be honest I have been to a handful of gigs over the last few years and there is no one out there who makes me want to get of my bum to see them and I certainly do not entertain huge arena gigs.

Me: I recently interviewed Nik Kershaw... were you into his music when he was big in the 80s? We are about the same age so I am guessing we have the same musical tastes.

Graham: Yes, he had some catchy tunes. Boring name drop alert! After the iPad song went viral myself and Andy were approached to perform at a massive 80s festival and Nik Kershaw was amongst others who were on the line up. That was actually a pointless name drop story as we never got to do the gig anyway as I had a restraining order put on Carol Decker from T’pal over a series of stalking issues from back in the 90s so we couldn’t perform on the same bill. Obviously I was lying about the Carol part, but the rest was true. Sorry I can’t help wittering on via a keyboard as well as verbally too.

Me: Anyway, how long did it take to write the "Grim Reaper" song, Graham?

Graham: Not to long as every bugger kept dropping like bloody flies for the first half of 2016 so the material came easy.

Me: I laughed out loud at the Cannon and Ball line... are they still on TV those guys?

Graham: Cannon and Ball were huge in the 80s and even made a film, Boys in Blue of which they played the lead roles. Enter the 90s and they were never seen again as a duo with the exception of a reality show. Bobby Ball however has carried on as a comedy actor and from the very little I see of him, he has still got it. Rock on, Tommy!

Me: Haha. Explain to my American readers who they were. I used to love their show when I lived back in England in the mid 80s.

Graham: Cannon and Ball were like Little and Large in suits only funnier, marginally. Who were little and Large I here you ask? They were like Cannon and Ball, but without suits. Both were comedy double acts.

Me: Some of those people you showed in the video I didn't know who remember who they were, and some I didn't know had passed... like the trumpet player from The Commitments. That was sad to find out. Is there anybody you didn't mention that you wished you did, Graham?

Graham: As I finished writing the song in April I couldn’t really add future deaths in that year as this would’ve literally made me the Grim Reaper. If I was to write a follow up now, which I’m not, It would certainly have to include Caroline Aherne, Liz Smith, Gene Wilder, Muhammad Ali, Carrie Fisher, Jean Alexander, Andrew Sachs... God the list goes on. Did any celebs survive 2016?

Me: You have to do a follow up. I have on the Phile a pheature called "Someone Phamous Has Died," as you might know and once in awhile I forget to mention someone... just recently Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park passed away and I forgot to mention it and I had a lot of pissed off readers emailing me asking why I didn't mention him. I simply forgot. Anyway, like I said, I think you should. But it did seem a lot more famous people died this year then last year.

Graham: I’m afraid no follow up is plan as I always try and do a different theme.

Me: You play ukelele... I play kazoo... if I still lived in England what a duo we would be. Hahaha. Was it a hard instrument to learn, Graham?

Graham: I take it you have heard me play the uke? I wouldn’t say I’ve learnt it yet. Now the kazoo on the other hand is a tricky instrument. How long did that take you to learn?

Me: Five minutes. Haha. My son says I suck at it. I am sure I asked you this before but when did you start to write songs and make videos?

Graham: I always wrote silly poems as a kid, my first lyrics for a band was in the early 90s for the mighty Fluffy Beer Cans and I wrote my first song entirely only a few years ago, but as always I rely on Andy Barker to produce said music. My first video I created was a Christmas tune for an old band, Croft, in 2008.

Me: What does your wife and kids think of you doing this, Graham?

Graham: Not much really. I have tendencies to prat around the household playing and singing silly songs all the time anyway, so when I show them a finished video they just react as if it’s nothing special and let’s face it a lot of viewers probably have that exact opinion when they see my vids too. 

Me: Are you always thinking of new songs to write? I am pretty sure you are taking notes and writing down ideas all the time, am I right? I am for my blog, so I am sure you are.

Graham: I haven’t exactly got a massive back catalogue as I am a really lazy writer, a whopping 1 song a year. So it does really depending on if I see there is something worth writing about. I only ever write about things that I personally find amusing/believe in. It doesn’t necessarily get the views, but if I’m happy with it and agree with its content then that’s job done in my eyes and if at least one person likes/finds it amusing then that is a Brucie’s bonus.

Me: I love your singing voice, Graham. You were in a band when you were younger, right? What was the name of the band? Why thanks!

Graham: Previous bands include The Fluffy Beer Cans, Croft and U2.

Me: Haha. I was in a band called Maroon 6... I left the band... haha. Who was in the band with you and are you still friends with them now? I bet they love your new songs.

Graham: No! They are all arseholes and I hope they die a slow death. Kidding!!!! A quick death as I want them out of my life asap!! No no no. I love them all dearly and as mentioned before Andy is my good friend and musical producer to date, I met up with Damien Daly and Mark Richardson fairly recently and Leanna is a good old Facebook chum and I miss her great sense of humour. Re: them liking my songs I don’t actually know. The worrying thing is that I don’t think Andy likes them and he’s part of them.

Me: Do you perform live occasionally to this day?

Graham: No. Not for the last few years. Andy occasionally tries to persuade me to, but I personally don’t feel it at present, but would never rule it out completely. I’d like to perform again as a band.

Me: Okay, let's talk about the song "Stop!" I love that song. That's an original tune, right, and not a parody?

Graham: That’s right.

Me: Are you playing keyboards on it?

Graham: All music is credited to Andrew ‘Lloyd’ Barker.

Me: There's been quite a few terrorist acts in the U.K. recently, so was that the reason you decided to write that song? I wrote a song for my music project Strawberry Blondes Forever called "Goodbye Loon" about different kinda terrorist acts, but your song is a lot better.

Graham: "Goodbye Loon"? I like the title. Yes, I was inspired by the recent London and Manchester attacks, but I have felt that for a very long time that there is a lot of negativity going on in our world. It would be nice if just for once I could switch on the news and it be free from death or the threat of it. More news announcements of dogs on surfboards are required I feel.

Me: Hey, so, Trump is our president over here... what is your take on him? Did you know about Trump growing up? I don't think you probably did, am I right?

Graham: As a child I was aware of Trump Towers and saw him as a wealthy man with shit hair and now I see him as your president with shit hair. I steer clear from political comments due to my lack of knowledge in this department, but if there was a political Top Trumps game then he would definitely get 10 out of 10 for twatability and the same for Getthingsdoneabilty. Yes, he has some really unacceptable extreme views, but how much would us Brits love a politician who actually stood by their promises and put them in place within days of being elected?

Me: Your other song you released this year "(My) Summertime" is a parody of Mungo Jerry's "In the Summertime." Fun fact... Colin Earl was the piano player in Mungo Jerry and his brother Roger is in Foghat, the band my dad founded and was the lead singer in. I am sure you don't know who Foghat is but I am sure you know their song "Slow Ride." Anyway, was that an easy parody to write, Graham? 

Graham: Good fact! I did not know this. I must confess that I had never heard of Foghat, but have since learnt, via your Facebook page, how respected and popular they are. I am also very jealous of some of your dad’s outfits. The "Summertime" parody was a no brainer really. It pretty much wrote itself.

Me: So, has it been a really hot summer over there in England? It's been hot over here in Florida but of course it is.

Graham: If you was to speak to the average non manual worker over here then I’m sure they would quote "we haven’t really had a summer." My response being of factual evidence would firstly be to say FUCK OFF then to remind them how dry and warm April, May and June were with June actually breaking certain temperature records. Okay, so July has been a bit temperamental along with the start of August, but don’t have your head in the sand just because your sat in an air conditioned office or don’t even work at all. If the mercury goes over 20 Celsius when you’re working then it really isn’t fun I say. Do you detect that I am slightly passionate about meteorological matters?

Me: Yeah. Haha. What do you do when it's really hot, Graham?

Graham: I just walk around in either my mankini or birthday suit. I have been arrested 42 times to date.

Me: Did you get to go on vacation at all this summer? You need to come to Florida.

Graham: No holiday for me I’m afraid as my work will not allow it and the pennies wouldn’t stretch to Florida unfortunately. Maybe we could get signed up with our new ukulele kazoo double act and then we could get our record company to pay for me to get over there? I’m missing my Disney rush. 

Me: For the video for "(My) Summertime" was it fun to come up with the different pics for it? I am sure that's a pretty long process for you.

Graham: Yes, there is a lot of time spent on searching images purely because, like in person, I have a very short attention span and I digress and find myself looking at unrelated images, Facebook, YouTube, back to images, Facebook, YouTu…

Me: On Facebook you thanked Drew and Tracy Barker for help. Do they play on the track?

Graham: Drew, Andy Barker, is who I mentioned previously. He is my friend, music creator and occasional make believe lover. Tracy Barker is Andy’s wife and occasionally helps out by lending us her beautiful vocals.

Me: So, do you have any other songs in the pipeline?

Graham: I think I am burnt out. I’ve released 2 songs this year already. Funny enough myself and Andy communicated today and there was talks about a possible Christmas tune and a serious contender for Great Britain in the Eurovision song contest, you can imagine how that may end up.

Me: So, you have ten songs that you made that are on YouTube... and 11 videos as there's a live version of "We Didn't Own An iPad." That's ten tracks, plus a bonus song. That'a a CD right there, Graham, that you could put together and sell. Have you thought about that?

Graham: HaHa! That could be the money maker to get me over to Orlando. As long as I charge £10000 for a copy and my mum buys it then I’ll be seeing you real soon, Jason.

Me: I have to be honest and tell you I put together a CD of your songs and called it "We Didn't Own An iPad." I play it in the car and really enjoy it.

Graham: You do release that whilst your driving around in the humidity of Florida and playing my CD that I may be sending you subliminal messages along the lines of "TURN THAT BLOODY AIR CON UP!"

Me: Do you think you'll be making songs for a long time?

Graham: I don’t really know. I know it’s a cliché, but If I ever stop enjoying it then that’s when I’ll stop. Or maybe if I die before I stop enjoying it then I may stop writing then too. "Please stop enjoying it" I hear some of your readers plead, or die.

Me: I had an idea, listen to my bands music (we are on Bandcamp, iTunes and Amazon) and I think you could do a good cover of one of my songs... especially the Beatles one. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUXI2kH0d8A&index=13&list=PLB2pML4zK9rdPu1zrSUG8kpTaZW9yOuCW.

Graham: I’ll have a listen then be in touch. The deal is we cover it, but have to record it in Florida and you can guess where this is going. That’s right I’m not paying the fair.

Me: Graham, thanks so much for being back on the Phile. I'll have you back here when the next video you release comes out. Tell the readers where they can see the videos and hear the songs. 

Graham: Readers, please feel free to view my videos at the following link and convert them to MP3s just like Jason. It’s illegal, but a damn sight cheaper than buying them. youtube.com/user/hunkygraham1/videos.

Me: Take care, and please come back again soon. Keep writing, sir!

Graham:  Thank you, Jason and Merry Christmas and a happy new year to everyone.

Me: Haha. Okay.

That about does to for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Graham Wood. The Phile will be back on Tuesday with singer Imelda May. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker