Pheaturing Julian Grefe From Pink Skull

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? Let's start off with a story about a Bayer ad promoting rape culture is winning awards. Yep, in Hmmm news... an aspirin ad that seemingly hints at nonconsensual videotaped sex just won Bayer's advertising department a major award. Yup. This is that ad, the subtext of which is unfortunately clear...

The print ad, made for Bayer's aspirin brand Aspirina, won a bronze award at the Cannes Lions International Festival of Creativity. According to AdWeek, Bayer has since ended this campaign. "We have asked that [the ad agency] BBDO discontinue any further use, dissemination or promotion of this campaign," said a spokesman for Bayer to AdWeek. "The concept was presented to our local marketing team in Brazil by BBDO as one of several campaigns that the agency intended to submit for this year's Cannes Lions festival. In order to meet the requirements for submission to Cannes, BBDO paid for limited placement in Brazil. Bayer has not advertised Aspirin through any channel in Brazil for several years." But how did any advertising agency think this was a good idea to begin with?
Kids, Switzerland is opening its first fellatio café. That's not a pun. It's easy to gently make fun of the Swiss, what with their neutrality, their punctuality, their secret banks, clockwork, chocolates and fellatio cafés. Wait, back up. One of those is not like the other. One aspect of Swiss pragmatism is that prostitution is legal and sex workers have permits from the government. Any business of two or more sex workers must be a licensed massage parlor... but apparently, massage parlors are also allowed to sell coffee, which is what the company FaceGirl will be doing. FaceGirl will open the country's first "fellatio café" in Geneva by the end of 2016, and it's innovative in more ways than one. Customers come in, pay an upfront fee of 60 Swiss francs (about $62, plus another $5 fee), order a coffee drink and a woman from the same iPad, and then sit at a bar. It must not be a normal bar, though, because you get a blowie while you sit there drinking your coffee. FaceGirl representative Bradley Chavet told the French newspaper Le Matin that the idea was taken from similar Thai cafés. Chavet further told the paper that unlike more relaxed coffee establishments, he expects men to be in and out of the shop quickly. ''In five or ten minutes, it's all over," he said, which some of his customers would probably half-heartedly claim wasn't true. As thrilling as it must be to people with dual sex and caffeine addictions, not everyone is pumped that Switzerland will be adding cream to its coffee. Some sex workers' rights organizations suspect the men setting up the business will be the only ones making a profit. And of course, being a barista always sucks.
According to both "The Mirror" and "Metro UK," a robot that "remembers and learns" has remembered and learned how to escape the confines of its lab in Perm (a city in central Russia), not just once, but twice. The implication is that somehow the robot, a Promobot IR77, has achieved sentience and now Short Circuit is real. Upon hearing this, you might be thinking, "Oh no, robot revolution, the end is nigh!" or maybe even, "HOORAY! THE SINGULARITY!" (ahem, guilty) but once initial excitement fades, perhaps you must admit that there's no way this can be real. Promobot claims that the first escape occurred when an engineer testing the robot in the courtyard left a gate ajar, allowing the robot to "escape," only to run out of battery in the middle of a crosswalk (ugh, typical, right?). The robot was missing for 45 minutes, during which time it was ogled by passerby in cars and on foot. If one were designing a publicity stunt, that sounds like a pretty good plan.
The company has the "escape" posted on its own website, with the headline "A robot fled the test site." Additionally, local news coverage of the robot's escape has been uploaded to Promobot's official YouTube page. If this robot's inexplicable sentience were actually a problem, it seems unlikely that the company would be broadcasting their design error. "Hey, buy our robots, there's a chance they might form an uprising and kill you, but theoretically they'll be able to give you directions to the nearest restroom until then." This is not a robot designed to get around. It moves very slowly and there doesn't appear to be any obvious means for righting itself when it inevitably falls off a curb. Mechanically speaking, it's not a whole lot more advanced than Rosie from "The Jetsons." So how did it even get to the street during its "escape"? Answer: it didn't. No proof, just a hunch. Kivokurtsev has said that they're considering "scrapping" this second version of the model, due to the minor problem where one of them seems to be alive and looking to flee captivity. However, he claims they're still proceeding with the release of the third version, scheduled for the fall. Hmm. If they were really so concerned with the "becoming conscious" problem, would they really still be on schedule to release the third version? Because that seems… unwise. Have these people ever heard of movies? Promobot has said that the other robots are "well-behaved" and this is the only one who's tried to escape. Kivokurtsev said, "We have changed the AI system twice, so now I think we might have to dismantle it." According to the "Metro," the plan to dismantle the robot has upset a "group of rights activists who say the free-thinking robot has earned the right to remain alive." Okay, NO, IT HAS NOT. There cannot be any ROBOT RIGHTS ACTIVISTS protesting the scrapping of the robot. Nor is the robot itself worried about being "scrapped." ("NO DISASSEMBLE!")
It is meant to assist in navigation, "broadcast promotional information," and collect customer contacts. It's no HAL 9000 (RIP, HAL). So there's probably no need to worry about imminent machine apocalypse. YET. So while it's terrifying/fun to think that this artificial intelligence has led to robot consciousness, it seems highly unlikely. Rest assured that if someone does design/achieve the singularity, it will not be by accident, and it will probably not be designed to get tourists to the correct airplane gate.
Last week, seven-year-old Peter Rapatas from Norridge, Illinois, was left behind by day camp counselors after a field trip to a water park. His sister, who also attends the same Salvation Army day camp, even claims she reported him missing to counselors as they left the water park. He used a lifeguard's cell phone to call his mom after he'd been left behind. Their mom, Gina Rapatas, spoke with CBS Chicago about the incident. She was mostly furious that she did not receive a call from the camp director once they knew her son was missing. "I was just so mad, and I was like I can’t believe you guys didn’t call me. He just walked away." The director did end up apologizing, though said there would not be a change in camp procedures. That's probably because either a counselor royally screwed up, or the kid didn't listen when he was told to get out of the water.
Many bros abroad in Britain are brexcited about the Brexit, which broils down to a brexpedited breconomic brexecution, brexpelling brexpats. Breplexed? Here's a quick brexplaination. Brexit, the celebrity couple name for "Britain" and "Exit," is a policy for a United Kingdom divorce from the European Union that passed Friday morning with a public referendum. The British people voted/broted to peace from the EU, with 52% of the British brublic voting to leave and 48% broting to stay. What is the European Union? Remember the time throughout basically all history when European countries were at war with one another? Like, there was literally a conflict called the Hundred Years' War? Surely you must remember World War I? And World War II, arguably the craziest one (and not just because it inspired the most movies), where England and Germany (at the risk of sounding too scholarly) bombed the shit out of each other? And that was only 71 years ago! Well, after World War II ended with a bang, postwar governments throughout Europe started a program to foster economic cooperation, because countries that trade with each other are less likely to go to war with each other (countries that trade together, stay together). Economic partnership bloomed into political partnership, a "single market" that allows both goods and people to move throughout the continent as if it were one country. Much like a singular country, the EU had its own parliament based in Brussels, Belgium, that makes policies about things like transport, the environment, and consumer and human rights. Why is Brexit? Well, many British chaps didn't like the idea of having to take "orders" from an entity across the English Channel, and having "foreigners" cross the Channel onto their shores so easily. Much like the rise of Trump in the U.S., the U.K.'s desire to leave the EU was largely enflamed by xenophobia. Nigel Farage, the leader of the U.K. Independence Party (UKIP), is like the British Trump, campaigning to get his way with posters of refugees lining up at the border of Slovenia, a member of the EU. Much like Trump blaming America's problems on immigrants (both Muslim and Mexican), Farage insists that the U.K. must "take back control of [its] borders" and stop letting foreign entities (in Belgium!) make decisions on policies like trade deals. Farage also campaigned for the Brexit using Trumpian fear tactics and a nationalism that boils down to "Make Great Britain Great Again." The triumph of xenophobic propaganda might even be indicative of a future Trump victory. But one thing is for certain: in today's democracies, facts seem to matter less than fear.
The movie Planet of the Apes kinda predicted what would happen with Brexit...

And there's posters all over England that kinda says it all...

Haha. So, I love the news, and turned on the news to see what is going on with Brexit and this is what I saw...

Haha! Noooo! Alright, enough about Brexit... it's summer and one of the best things about summer is the bikini. Well, I am showing you this summer sexy bikini pics with something not so sexy on the background.

I hope she stashed poopie bags somewhere in that two-piece. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Things Overheard At The House Democrats' Sit-In
5. I'll tell you when I'm leaving: the next time Pelosi sharts!
4. Damn, I can't access PornHub in here! What was the First Amendment?
3. That's right, I need 25 large pizzas... yes, charge it to the "American Taxpayer"...
2. I've been sitting here for 19 straight hours. I hope Obamacare covers hemorrhoids!
And the number one thing over heard at the House Democrats' sit-in was...
1. The Republicans have ignored dozens of mass shootings... but THIS will get their attention!

If you spot the Mindph... wait, this one is too similar than the last Mindphuck. That's bullshit. Here's another...

That's better. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Haha. And now for some sad news...

Ralph Stanley
February 25th, 1927 — June 23rd, 2016
The bluegrass legend is helping the green grass grow.

Cleavage
Umm, excuse me, but the definition is over here.

The 50th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum and author will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's pheaturd guest is one part of the band Pink Skull whose new EP "Neil Blender" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Julian Grefe.

Me: Hello, Julian, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Julian: We're great. How are you?

Me: I'm really good. Okay, I have to say, you come up with some very cool and unusual song titles, Julian. "Either the Luminescent Wallpaper Goes Up, Or Do I" (is that the right title?), and "Bee Nose" stick out. What is a bee nose?

Julian: It is 'Either the Luminescent Wallpaper Goes, Or I Do"... a reference to Mr. Oscar Wilde's last words. And, as I told a friend of mine recently, a bee nose is the hole in a bee's head in between its bee eye balls.

Me: Good point. In a past album you had a song about Peter Cushing as well, right?

Julian: We had a song entitled "Peter Cushing." It was not about Peter Cushing, but it did mention him. I was more of a dream logic cliff notes about a film I envisioned. Interspace trade espionage and a worm that can be inserted in one's throat that would act as a truth serum.

Me: And on the new album "Psychic Welfare" there's a song called "Janine Aubergine." Who is she? 

Julian: She's a strictly fictitious heroine, a spinster at the end of the world, and... aubergine rhymes with Janine, which is handy in a song. Aubergine is also the color of an eggplant, or IS an eggplant, depending on where you are in the world. It's also the color she would turn if she was suffocating, which she does in the song.

Me: Ahhh. Back to Peter Cushing. Are you guys big Star Wars fans, is that why you wrote a song about Cushing?

Julian: No. We're not big Star Wars fans. I wrote a song about Peter Cushing because of The House of Hammer horror film series. I find he cuts quite a figure. I really like his profile. He has really minor role in Star Wars anyway. Who was he? Grand Moff Tarkin? Who cares about that dude? Not me. That movie is highly overrated. Give me Silent Running any day.

Me: He was Tarkin and this interview is done. Just kidding. While we are talking about names, is it a crazy coincidence you have three members in the band with the initials J.G.?

Julian: Indeed, it is.

Me: While we are at it, who is in the band?

Julian: Myself, (Julian Grefe) Justin Geller, Jeremy Gewertz, Mike Hammel, Sam Murphy, Robin van der Kaa, Adam Sparkles and occasionally Billy Dufala.

Me: So, "Neil Blender"... who is he?

Julian: A skateboarder.

Me: Ahhh. Have you all been making music together for long?

Julian: Yeah, I guess so. Justin and Billy have been making music together for about 15 years and Jeremy and have been off and on since about '99. Sam and Mike before that in various bands.

Me: You guys started off as a duo, right?

Julian: Sort of. Maybe a trio, if you count Ian St Laurent as an active member. He was like a kind of house cat who smoked cigarettes and sat on the couch as we worked. We'd have to feed him once in a while when he was awake... But he was definitely there. The first group effort was the "RVNG Intl." mix CD that we worked on and that was the beginnings of the group. That was the three of us.

Me: I listened to a lot of your music and I have to say you sound a little like Daft Punk. Are they an influence on you guys?

Julian: Really? I don't see that at all. They’re not an influence on our music. I mean, I like Daft Punk, we (the band) all do to some degree. They're really great. I think one of the song's melody line is similar to an older Daft Punk song. Other than that, I don't really see any similarities except for the fact that there's lots of synthesizers. Maybe it’s more like a cross between Human League and Jean Pierre Massiera? This Heat and Lou Reed? I dunno.

Me: Yeah, you don't dress as robots. Maybe one day you can write the score for a Disney movie as well. Would you ever consider scoring a film?

Julian: Absolutely. I'd love to. It's a beautiful marriage of art and functionality. Music with a specific, focused purpose. I like the idea of working in collaboration with visuals.

Me: When I first heard the name of Pink Skull, I thought you guys were gonna be a punk or heavy metal band.

Julian: So did we.

Me: Where did the band name come from? I know, I am talking names again.

Julian: I think, at the time, I was trying to come up with a name that would sound like an unsuccessful Japanese psyche band. ironically, I think Jeweled Antler has a CD-R imprint, also called Pink Skulls. So in a way, it's kind of dead on. It's actually comes from a taxidermy term. It unfortunately has also been a visual embraced by the Hot Topic set. Or so Google image leads me to believe.

Me: Where are you guys from?

Julian: Currently we all reside in Philly, except for Robin who lives in Berlin. Before that, we're all from the general mid-Atlantic region, with the exception of of Robin who's from Rotterdam and Sam who's from Little Rock, Arkansas.

Me: Is that where you recorded your albums?

Julian: We recorded all of the albums in Philadelphia. We mixed the last one in Brooklyn but they've all be tracked in the City of Brotherly Love.

Me: I imagine you guys would be pretty popular in Europe, have you ever been over there to play? 

Julian: Popular in Europe? That'd be really nice, wouldn't it? I'll settle for popular in St. Louis at this point. We've been over there to DJ, but not to play live. The live show is kind of a production and I don't know that our level of fame allows us to schlep the entire crew over. It's not very cost effective. I have DJ'd in Europe many time but it'd be wonderful to take the whole band over there. I'd love it. We’ve had a couple of opportunities this past year but they didn't pan out. We're just waiting for the beck and call...

Me: When I was a kid when you bought an album often you would get a poster, stickers, tattoos, or something extra inside, and you are doing that with your vinyl versions of your albums, right?

Julian: For "Psychic Welfare" yes... The record cover unfold's into a gatefold 6 panel poster with stills of some video art that was done by Justin, myself and our good friend and filmmaker, Adam Carrigan. On the flip side there's a poem hand written by Ira Cohen, who recently passed away. He was a figure in the beat scene in the ’60 in New York and internationally. Kind of like the cover for Hawkwind's "Space Ritual." Maybe some more goodies will be in there.

Me: Thanks, Julian, for being on the Phile. Is there a website you would wanna plug?

Julian: Pinkskull.com or @pinkskulldoods on Twitter. Origetrvng.com.

Me: Thanks again, and come back onto the Phile again soon.

Julian: We'd love to. Thanks for having us. It's been really nice.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Julian for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with singer VanDeRocker. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Kristoff Krane

Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday, how are you? What's new? Well, it's time to add planes to the ever growing list of places a girl can't be unconscious. An Alaska Airlines flight had to be diverted Tuesday because a 16-year-old girl on the plane fell asleep, and then her unconscious body went ahead and let itself get kissed by a 23-year-old man. Come on, girl! Don't you know being unconscious is grounds for sexual assault in this country? FOX reports that the flight departed in Portland Oregon, and was headed for Anchorage Alaska when a the teen dared to fall asleep with a man sitting next to her. Like some airborne Prince Charming, the California man just assumed sleep means yes, and allegedly tried to kiss the teen, but the pilot was notified and landed the plane in Seattle where police were waiting to arrest him for 4th degree assault charges. Seattle-Tacoma International Airport spokesperson Brian DeRoy said, "the male was cooperative when arrested." He was probably just waiting for the police to fall asleep before making his move. The teen continued on her flight to Anchorage. There have been no reports on what the girl was wearing, or how many people she has previously kissed while asleep.
A man who claims to have been Omar Mateen's lover came forward to Univison on Tuesday to give more information behind Mateen's possible motivation for shooting up a gay nightclub in Orlando earlier this month. The man, disguised with prosthetics and using the fake name "Miguel," went on the record to say that he does not believe the shooting was an act of terrorism, but an act of revenge against Puerto Rican gays that may have slighted him. Miguel claims to have met Mateen on the gay dating app Grindr and pursued a two-month-long sexual relationship with him. Despite calling 911 and pledging his allegiance to Isiis, Miguel believes that Mateen's motivation behind the shooting was an act of revenge against Latino gay men, and not one with religious ties. "The thing that makes me want to tell the truth is that he didn’t do it for terrorism. In my opinion he did it for revenge" says Miguel, alleging that last year, Mateen had sex with an HIV positive man who did not disclose his status to him, and that might have set off the attack which took place during latin night at Pulse nightclub. Of course, anyone can slap on some bad special effects makeup and claim to know something. For that reason Univision reports that they could not verify Miguel’s story, but they were able to confirm that the FBI had interviewed him. The investigation is ongoing, and the FBI has neither confirmed or denied Miguel's story yet.
Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley's wife became suspicious he was having an affair in 2014 because he texted her a red rose emoji... a gesture she thought was so sweet that she assumed it was meant for someone else, "GQ" reported. The lesson here, if you're a scumbag heterosexual guy, is always make sure you're not being too romantic with your wife... she might think you're confusing her for your mistress. It turned out that Bentley's wife was right... he was having an affair with his much-younger staffer Rebekah Mason, a scandal that led to his current impeachment (both Bentley and Mason deny that their affair was ever "physical," despite phone recordings by his wife that capture Bentley longingly reminiscing about touching Mason's breasts). Bentley's wife was able to ignore the major red flags until he sent her another red rose emoji with the name "Rebekah" next to it. And that's when she [dancer in a red dress emoji]'d out of that marriage.
Here's another story that took place in Alabama... Alabama teenager Darby Risner found a Barney the Dinosaur costume in the basement of her church and thought it would fun to try on the oversized purple noggin, but quickly learned that the inside of Barney's head is a dark, scary place. Risner wanted to scare her friends by popping out of a stairwell wearing Barney's head, but being in God's house and all, the man upstairs decided to punish her right then and there for the cruel prank when the opening for the head slipped over her shoulders and trapped her inside. Looks like whoever that costume was made for had a really beefy neck. Ironically, the way the head fell made it so she had tiny little T-Rex arms. Hehe. Even though her friends greased her up with Vaseline and tried to pull her out, her "giant biceps" prevented her from getting loose. It was time to bring in the experts... the local fire department. Darby told AL.com that although the situation was funny, she really started to panic the longer the head stayed on, "The head was closing in on me. It was like a stuck-in-a-small-place-and-can’t-get-out-panicking." Finally, the fire department managed to cut her out of the head, and the 15-year-old was officially delivered via cesarean. The whole harrowing experience was about 45-minutes long, or about two episodes of "Barney and Friends." This picture made me laugh...

Note the hysterical man on the left.
Great news! Now, when a charming Girl Scout is at your door during that special cookie time of year, you can ignore her just like you ignore everyone else who comes a-knocking. That's because Pillsbury has just released a new line of Girl Scout cookie-flavored baking mixes that you can bake in your very own home, no child salesperson required.

Okay, so technically these mixes aren't for making Girl Scout cookies; they're for making other treats that have Girl Scout cookie-inspired flavors. Specifically, for Thin Mints and Samoas/Caramel deLites. So when your spouse asks you to make Thin Mint cupcakes for their birthday, you can now just buy a box mix instead of getting a recipe off of some insufferable food blog. Really, it's good news that you can't make the cookies yourself (well, unless you get a copycat recipe from the aforementioned insufferable food blog). After all, Girl Scout cookie sales are a funding source for an important organization. But, at the very least, the Pillsbury mixes can help when you've eaten through your entire Girl Scout cookie stash in one week and still need to get that sweet, sweet fix for the rest of the year.
Okay, so, Finding Dory is out, and I haven't seen it yet... it looks kinda scary.

Summer is here and Lay's has come out with three new flavor of potato chips... I am not exactly sure what they are thinking...

Which one would you try? Hey, have you heard the rumor about the "Doctor Who" movie? I did and didn't believe it until I saw this...

That's crazy! I love the Queen of England, and I even like her even more now that her fashion sense has changed. Last entry I showed you that she wore a Batman themed outfit. Check out another recent outfit she wore...

Hahaha. How ironic. So, one of the things I like to do in my spare time is to look u certain words on Twitter. One of those words I look up is "Foghat" and this is tweet I saw recently...

Hmmm. Okay, it's summer and one of my favorite things about summer is the gray invention... the bikini. This year I am showing you bikini with something unsexy in the background. Like this one...

How I met your mother... Hahaha. Okay, so, my son is in town and we were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together. That show is not the same as I remember it... that's why I have a pheature called...

Ernie and Bert watch the struggle of the four-year-old they pushed into the gorilla enclosure, whilst listening to the horrified screaming of his mother. 

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hey, it's Thursday... you know what what that means...

Oh, man, I'm sooo sorry... I hope you're not eating. Okay, so, I love comedy, and I am sure you do as well... well, the other day I met this 100 year old comedian who wanted to come onto the Phile and tell a joke. The problem is, I understand him but I'm not sure you will. So, I will let him tell the joke and I will translate it. So, please welcome back to the Phile... 

Me: Hello, Alan, welcome back to the Phile, sir. How are you?

Alan: I'm good, young man.

Me: That's good. Alright, tell us a joke...

Alan: A certain lady, to excuse herself for a frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate friend of hers, "Lord, how is it possible for a woman to keep her cabinet unpickt, when every fellow has got a key to it."

Me: That's a joke? Okay, here we go... A lady apologizes for having some sex, but says to her friend, "It's kind of hard to keep your vagina locked up when every man has a penis-key." Is that right?

Alan: Yes. Men are spectacular lock-picks.

Me: Haha. If you say so. Alan Raglafart the 100 Year Old Comedian, everybody. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Reasons Why Donald Trump Fired His Campaign Manager

5. It was the first thing on Donald's "Batshit Crazy Things to Do Today" List.

4. He was an insane, polarizing bully... and THAT job is taken, thank you very much!

3. Being cleared of assaulting a female reporter proved he was a loser who didn't have what it takes.

2. He suggested Trump switch from his neon-orange self-tanner to a more subdued apricot.

And the number one reason Trump fired his campaign manager is...

1. Satan became available. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a fictional group of humanoid turtles who successfully fight crime as a team despite their very different Myers-Briggs scores.

Before I tell you what the 50th to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is I have to say that when I first saw this picture above I thought it was a book store. Well, the other day my friend Rich (who was once on the Phile in an anniversary entry) told me it was a bakery. What?! I Mindphucked myself? That's crazy! No one one ever caught that. Good job, Rich. Okay, now for the 50th book to be phratured in the Phile's Book Club...

This book is solo good. Phile Alum and author Martin Belmont will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's guest is an alternative hip hop artist from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He was also a member of Face Candy, an improvisational jazz rap group from Minnesota formed by rapper Eyedea. His new single "Out of Line" is available on iTunes right now. Please welcome to the Phile... Kristoff Krane.

Me: Hello, Kristoff, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir? 

Kristoff: I am better now than I've been in the last 8 years. I feel like I just got off an expensive roller coaster ride that was as frightening to the same degree as it was exciting. 

Me: I have to ask you about your name, Kristoff Krane, what is the origin of it? It sounds like a cool super villains name for something. A James Bond movie perhaps? 

Kristoff: No reference whatsoever. Micheal (Eyedea) called me one day when he was mixing the first Face Candy record and told me that I should come up with a "rap" name before we press up the record. He asked me what I thought would be good, I said I wasn't sure. He asked me if my family and friends ever called me anything other than my real name when I was a kid and I said Kristoff. Then he said, "how bout Kristoff Krane... that has a ring to it." And I said, "That sound good" God knows I wasn't about to not accept my new rap name given to me by my hero. 

Me: Kristoff, how long have you been performing and song writing? Is that something you wanted to do all your life? 

Kristoff: My first performance was senior year of high school at the talent show. Shouts out to: Patrick Adams, Dan Delambert and Jared Jones-Henry Sibley 02. I was privileged enough to have parents who signed me up for The Boys Metropolitan Choir when I was like 8 or something, but that was the only real musical path I took as a youth. I never thought that I'd grow up to be a rapper/musician, but I did always know that I would be doing something that made me feel like I was making a difference in the world (as an adult I realize that that's a hard picture to frame). 

Me: You were in the band Face Candy, but have been in a number of different bands as well as doing your own thing. What do you prefer? 

Kristoff: Yeah, I've definitely loaded my plate with an assortment of goods. I am a member of these bands: Abzorbr, Face Candy, Saturday Morning Soundtrack, Puppy Dogs and Ice Cream, Kristoff Krane and Prey For Paralysis (a new group that I formed with produced Graham O'Brien and Sadistik). They all provide me with different nutrients, but the two that have been most fulfilling (like whole grains) are Kristoff Krane and Face Candy. 

Me: I downloaded Face Candy's last release "Waste Age Teen Land" which I take it is a spin of The Who's "Teenage Wasteland." Are you a Who fan? 

Kristoff: I haven't listened to enough of Who to know, but because Micheal and Casey were fans, I'm assuming I would be... I'll go listen now. 

Me: Another member of Face Candy is no longer here with us. Eyedea passed away in 2010, am I right? 

Kristoff: Correct. 

Me: How did you find out he passed? 

Kristoff: I walked in his apartment with his mother and found him the night he passed. 

Me: Did he perform on all the songs on "Waste Age Teen Land"? 

Kristoff: No. 

Me: After he passed, did you or the other guys think of not releasing another Face Candy album? 

Kristoff: No, we all knew that it had to be shared with the world, 1. because that's what Micheal wanted and 2. because everything was all ready to go (it was mastered, artwork was complete, etc.). 

Me: By the way, who else was in Face Candy with you? 

Kristoff: Casey O'Brien (bass) and JT Bates (drums).

Me: I was excited to see that you published a book called "The Other." 

Me: I will add that to the Peverett Phile Book Club. When did that book come out? 

Kristoff: Yes I did, back in September of 2008 it was released (it took me 3 years to compile the innards and arrange them in their current form). Although a part of me wants you to add it to the book club, another part of me wants to inform you that everything in it is a recycled lie. But if you do add it to your collection, make sure you also add, "The Illuminotous Trilogy" by Robert Anton Wilson. 

Me: Okay. It's full of essays, thought exercises and poems, right? What do you like to write about the most? 

Kristoff: I don't really "like" to write about anything, but I do find that I have a handful of common themes that I have found to run through my expression. Some of them being: knowing that at one time (a long time ago... or perhaps now, but in a distant layer) I was part of a "society/community" that was much more aware and connected that the reality/world that I exist in now. Personal conflicts and epiphanies... the perspective of one who has been lied to, taken advantage of, oppressed and exploited. Solutions to some of the major psychological dissonance that we are currently experiencing as a collective.

Me: When did you decide to release a book and would you release another? 

Kristoff: I decided to release the book on the Appetite For Distraction tour that I did with E&A in Jan. of 2008, after Mike suggested that the ball was in my court and that when I get home I should get Protools, make my own album, write my book and start really doing exactly what it is I want to do. 

Me: How old are you, Kristoff? You seem young, my friend. When you were a teenager you spent a few months in jail. How long where you in jail, and what was it for? 

Kristoff: I am 32 and will be 33 in November. I'm glad I "seem" young to you, hopefully you'll say the same when we interview 40 years from now as well. I spent 4.5 months in Dakota County Jail (MN) in the summer of 2003. Long story short: It was my first year of college in Mankato, I met a couple dudes who were on the football team, who I wanted to impress, so I told them I could get them some pot from the cities. I took their money, came into town, gave it to an acquaintance of mine, who in turn stole the money from me. When I went back to Mankato, the football fellas were upset and demanded that we go back to get the money. I came back into town, had a friend call them over. When they pulled up, we jumped in their car, locked the doors and demanded that they (the thieves) drive to their home to get us our money. When we got to their home, there were 5 squad cars waiting. I was charged with 2 felonies (which I am currently in the process of getting expunged). 

Me: You must of really changed coming out. Did that effect your writing and performing at all? 

Kristoff: I indeed changed. Aside from Micheal's death, and meeting my wife Sharri, this was undoubtedly the most influential experience I ever had. When you are confined you are forced to either being super growth oriented or super decay oriented... I prefer growing. I was in a condition where my time could only be occupied with a few things. One of them was writing/reading and the other was doing push ups/wrestling. Yes it did effect my writing, mostly because I was putting a lot more information in my head, which is bound to come out in some manner and because when I was in jail I decided that writing and sharing was something I was good at, something that I got validation from and something that I could use as a means to communicate and "help" others. 

Me: Okay, on Face Candy's other album "This Is Where We Were" you had proper album titles, but on "Waste Teen Land" your songs on titled "One," "Two," "Three" and so on all the way to "Fifteen.". There has to be a story behind that, am I right? 

Kristoff: I can say that it wasn't a mistake, but as far as a story behind it, I can't really kiss and tell on that one. 

Me: Before I let you go, I have to tell you I downloaded your own album "Picking Flowers Next To Roadkill" and I love that album. How would you compare it to Face Candy's work? By the way, where did THAT album title and song title come from? It's disgusting. Haha.

Kristoff: I'm glad you like the record (I do want to urge you to check out "Hunting For Father" and "This Will Work For Now," for they are my babies that I built all by myself). As far as comparing "Picking Flowers..." to Face Candy... I won't really go there. Face Candy is stripped down, raw and in-the-moment and "Picking Flowers" is processed, well thought out and polished. 

Me: You're coming out with a new CD this year, right?

Kristoff: Yes.

Me: Kristoff, thanks for being on the Phile. Please come back when your next project comes out. Go ahead and plug your website and please, take care of yourself. All the best. 

Kristoff: Word. Kristoffkrane.com, micheallarsen.com, bandcamp.com/kristoffkrane, 

facebook.com/kristoffkranemusic.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Kristoff for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Sunday with Julian Grefe from Pink Skulls. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let alligators and snakes bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Phile Alum Jeff Trelewicz

It's summer! Hey there, kids welcome to the Phile for a Monday and the first day of summer. How are you? It's time for teachers to enjoy some hard-earned relaxation at their summer jobs. I want an Indian Summer in the least racist way possible. An epic standoff took place last Saturday in Redford Township, Michican, and neither party had the fortitude to end it. On one side stood armed police and the Livonia special response team, ready to confront a man they believed had barricaded himself inside his home. On the other side stood a house, completely empty and lacking any sentient capacity. But the cops didn't know that. Despite the latter's clear advantage of being inanimate, police engaged in this ridiculous battle of wills for a full eleven hours. "Click On Detroit" reports that the authorities blocked off several nearby streets to prevent locals from becoming sucked into the fray. If anyone had the credentials to go up against a completely uninhabited house, it would be the professionals. The man police were looking for had gotten into a domestic dispute with his wife of only six weeks, who had apparently just asked for a divorce. Police learned the argument got out of control and the couple went through a plate glass door. Police did not learn, however, that the husband had already left the house before they arrived. So outside they stood, sending in canister after canister of tear gas. The house, of course, remained unresponsive, because it has no tear ducts or brain. This went on for eleven hours before police entered the home to find that no one was there. Call it a wrap, boys. This house isn't gonna fold.
Finding Nemo debuted back in 2003, and while Finding Dory catches up with Dory and introduces some new, lovable fish, it's time to find out what happened to your favorite characters from the original. Bruce, everyone's favorite vegetarian shark lived the rest of his long, wondrous life as a dipping device for tartar sauce. Bubbles lived his dream to the fullest, finally finding his way onto the kid's menu at a Crab Shack. Beloved for his bulging, outsized eyes and even more outsized personality, Bloat was eaten at a county fair. Although technically a reptile and not a fish, Crush still managed to dress up in bread crumbs and get served on a cruise ship. The delightfully jolly Mr. Ray spent his days traveling, making it all the way to Oklahoma City as an after school snack. After starring in such a massive hit, Nemo's father, Marlin, left Dory behind for the more fulfilling company of a deep fryer.
Spotify has announced that it's pairing with dating app Bumble so that your favorite musical artists can feed directly into your Bumble profile for all to see. This might seem like a good idea, until you remember that your self-reported favorite artists and what Spotify defines as your favorite artists are two very different things. So basically, if you hate-play Kendra Wilkinson's "Lost in Space" enough times for your friends that she becomes one of your "favorite artists," the app will let every eligible (and ineligible) match on the app know. The good news is that the link isn't automatic. You have to set up the connection between Spotify and Bumble... this isn't a U2 album, after all. And duh, seeing a potential match's musical interests can be really helpful. Although, as Spotify's press release basically notes, the feature can also help psychopaths trying to weasel their way into your heart. "If you’re eager to learn more about the artist displayed (and get some bonus talking points for your potential connection), you can click on the artist which will take you to the artist page on Spotify." See? You don't have to like the same music as someone; you can just listen to everything before the date so you can pretend to like it. Apps sure are making dating more authentic!
A waiter at a Thai restaurant in Edgewater, Colorado got a $1,088 tip and didn't start dancing and quit the job immediately. That's remarkable. And also really fortunate, because the customer was so drunk he had over-tipped by about $1,048. He came back the next day like an embarrassed repo man. "I think this is a big thing," said Bee Ananthatho at the time, the restaurant's now-heartbroken owner. Although she did make it into the "Denver Post" and national media, the "big thing" was reneged when the customer returned the following morning, presumably with a hangover pounding in his head to the steady drumbeat of shame. Ananthatho describes the waiter's reaction to the tip, "He said he'd read a lot of stories like this, but usually the tip is a couple hundred dollars, not $1,000. He was so happy." But the restaurant business is rarely happy, so the owner suspected something wasn't right. She held on to the money in case the customer came back, which he did, with tail between his legs. Sounding like anyone would in this situation, the mea culpa was apparently a simple, "I'm sorry, I was drunk." In the end, he left a $40 tip on a $60 meal. The man is now presumably claiming he'll never drink again, and the restaurant expects to see him back... Singha in hand... within the week.
Pablo Reyes isn't famous; he's just a guy who can predict the future. Reyes posted a Facebook status predicting the death of Harambe (the silverback gorilla who was killed by zoo staff when a little boy fell into his enclosure in May) and the subsequent public outrage, as well as the death of Muhammad Ali, and even the Orlando nightclub shooting. Sure, all that stuff has already (sadly) happened, but his post is dated December 26th, 2015. The prescient status has been shared almost 190,000 times, because predicting the future is a really impressive feat! The comments on his post showed just how impressed/freaked out people were with his clairvoyance. Except... Reyes didn't predict the future. Come on now, people. All Reyes did was write a post and then change the date on it, using the little clock icon. Once the status is ready to be published, Facebook will even ask you if you want to notify people about it. And of course you do, because you've just predicted the future. In the immortal word of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa." According to BuzzFeed, there's another way to do it: just edit an old status update. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Now YOU can predict the future, too. BuzzFeed News asked Reyes, who used to work at the fake news website Huzlers, if viral hoaxes like this make him feel like he's duping people, and the answer is a resounding no. He told them, "I feel like people... I don’t want to call people dumb... but I think it’s up to the people to kind of make the decisions about what they hear and what they’re being told... It’s hard for me to explain to you how I feel about the situation, but I think I blame people. I kind of feel like people are to blame." People are gullible, and they do tend to believe whatever they see in print. Especially if it's what they want to believe. So, do you have that feeling that I didn't prep very much for this entry? If so, you're right.
Well, summer is here and I think I mention this every year one of my favorite things about summer is one of the greatest inventions known to man... the bikini. I have shown you bikini pics in the past, but this year I'm gonna do something different, I'm gonna show you bikini pics with something horrifyingly unsexy in the background. Yup. Like this one...

Call your doctor if your erection last more than 4 hours. I love pizza, but was surprised when I saw this the other day...

Pizza American style? What? Hey, being from England I always loved the Queen... but with her new fashion sense I love her even more.

Did you see those new KFC ads? I think they got the idea from a movie...

I never ever saw that movie though. Do you know The Goofy Movie? I never seen the movie but I think I wanna see it now after I saw this screen shot...

Ha! Okay, now from the home office in Port Jefferson, here is another...

Top Phive Signs That Summer Has Arrived
5. Hillary breaks out her collection of seersucker pantsuits.
4. ISIS provides free "Lemon ISIS" to its latest recruits.
3. Many states waive their 10-day waiting period for high-capacity water pistols.
2. Dogs would rather lick ice cubes than their own balls.
And the number one sign summer has arrived is...
1. Gary takes his first whizz of the year on his neighbor's swimming pool.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, my son is visiting this week and we were talking how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together. That show is definitely not the show I remember. So, once again, here is...

"Hey, Jeremy, I'm Big Bird, but you can call me Big D. If anyone asks why, just say I'm like a father to you. And Jeremy, if you tell anyone, anyone at all, about where I touched you, I swear to God I'm gonna break your fuckin' neck."

Cleavage
Ummm, excuse me, but the definition is over here.

Anton Yelchin
March 11th, 1989 — June 19th, 2016
He was killed by his own car when it pinned him against a brick mailbox. Ironically, the Star Trek character he played... Chekov... was the navigator.

Today's guest is the author of the "The Time Travelers's Journal," the 49th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. He is one of my best friends and a Phile Alum. Please welcome back to the Phile... Jeff Trelewicz.

Me: Jeff! Hey there, my friend! Welcome back to the Phile! It's been awhile! How have you been?

Jeff: Jason! So good to be back here on the Phile! I'm okay! How are you feeling? Any better?

Me: A lot better, yes, thanks for asking. Okay, before we talk about "The Time Traveler's Journal" we have to talk football. So, awhile ago we had the draft pick... what do you think? I like it how the Giants one of Miami's best players.

Jeff: The draft went as well as to be expected. A few surprises. A few players that got drafted too high. Some too low. It always makes for an interesting season to see how the rookies play. I'm definitely looking forward to the season!

Me: Any predictions for this years season?

Jeff: As far as predictions, I think it's safe to say that Denver will not repeat. Too much uncertainty in the QB position. And as we have seen you need a strong QB if you're going to win the Super Bowl!

Me: We are gonna do the picks again, right?

Jeff: Of course we're going to do the picks this season. Sadly, in the six years that we've done the picks, I will have lived in 3 different states. So much for stability.

Me: I am gonna get you to help come up with the title for Phootball Talk this year and again the graphic like you did last year. Deal?

Jeff: You know I will do the graphics for it. That won't be a problem. I will just bring in the graphics team of 67 Studios Production to do it. They work hard. Especially since I'm the graphics team of 67 Studios Production!

Me: Okay, your book is the 49th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club... the last book to be pheatured was "F#@k Skinny: How I Quit Dieting & Found My Health" by Laura Ingalls, who used to work with us at Innoventions in Epcot. Did you know she wore a book? Do you remember her?

Jeff: I did know that Laura wrote a book. Of course I remember. You know me. I tend to remember a lot of people. Bunch of creative people that have come through Innoventions over the year. A couple of authors. A guy in a band. Not bad at all.

Me: I know Jeremy Croston remembers her. Hahaha. You two are still working together on your podcast, right?

Jeff: Jeremy and I still do our weekly podcast. It's called Two Dudes, Brews & Books podcast. They go up every Thursday night. You can find them on both Itunes and Podomatic. Twenty-five minutes of shenanigans. We're still hoping to get you on one of these days if we could schedule it.

Me: Yeah, I still wanna do it. Speaking of your podcast, you and Jeremy did a great job talking about the shootings at Pulse in Orlando. You and he made good points. Is there anything you want to add as you called Orlando for so long?

Jeff: We're glad that you enjoyed the podcast, it was a hard one to do. what happened wasn't about gay rights, it was lack of respect for other humans. And that is inexcusable, if you ask me .

Me: Jeremy edited your book, am I right? Did he make a of changes?

Jeff: Yup, Jeremy does edit my books. He changes a few things here and there, mostly grammatical errors. I also tend to write short sentences, which he doesn't like. So he blends them together to make it more readable.

Me: Okay, let's talk about "The Time Traveler's Journal." This is my favorite book you have write as I love time travel stories. I didn't know you were really into the time travel genre, Jeff. Do you have a favorite time travel movie or TV show?

Jeff: To me the best time travel story is Back to The Future. I mean it really doesn't get much better than that, if you asked me. The entire trilogy actually.

Me: You don't watch "Doctor Who," right?

Jeff: No, I don't watch "Doctor Who." Though I've added it to my list on Netflix. I know too many Whovians, so it's something I guess I could look more into.

Me: If you had a time machine would you go into the future or past? And where would you go to?

Jeff: I would certainly go back into the past if I had a time machine. I know of a change or two I would make in my personal life. What about you? Where would you go?

Me: I would go in the future I think, about twenty years time. So, when did you get the idea for this book?

Jeff: I got the idea for the book around October of last year when I was finishing up "Paranormal Contact Vol. 2." Elements of the story just came to me. I wanted to do something different as I'd been doing the "Paranormal Contact" series back to back. I knew I wanted to step away from that series and do something different.

Me: How long did it take you to write?

Jeff: It took me about five months to write the book.

Me: I haven't written a story in a long time, and when I did one of my favorite things was coming up with character names. I like coming up with character names for the Phile. Anyway, how do you come up with character names?

Jeff: There's nothing wrong with that book title! It would definitely grab the reader's attention. The first character I named in the book was Catherine, because I was watching "Hawaii 5.0" and there's a character by that name. As far as other names, I try to visual the character's physical appearance and go from there.

Me: Alright, so, tell the readers what the book is about, Jeff.

Jeff: The book is really about how far a person would go to protect their family, but in a much different way than any other story I can think of. The main character of Shane has a huge skeleton in his closet. It's something that has haunted his family for decades. And he wants to do something about it, to protect his family's legacy. It's a big spoiler so I don't want to give away too much. Shane knows he can't do it alone, so he finds people to help them. He's not the most honest person, but his trust in people is low.

Me: So, will their be a sequel?

Jeff: I don't really have plans for a full sequel, but that might change in the future. I might do a short story instead to continue it. I'm not sure to be honest with you.

Me: I can see this book definitely being a play or a movie, can you?

Jeff: I would love it if this was a movie. It would be hard to do only because each chapter starts with a journal entry (hence the name "The Time Traveler's Journal") which gives hints to Shane's true motives.

Me: Are you working on a third "Paranormal Contact" book?

Jeff: As a matter of fact, yes my next book is the finale to the "Paranormal Contact" series. I'm aiming for an October release for that book.

Me: So, what is gonna be your next book?

Jeff: After "Paranormal Contact Vol. 3," I will work on a different book. I have started laying the ground work for the book. It won't be paranormal or science fiction at all, which I'm excited to step out of my element with.

Me: Jeff, at one time you were writing song lyrics which is something I got into for my "band" project Strawberry Blondes Forever. Have you written anymore lyrics?

Jeff: I haven't written any lyrics in the last few years. My focus has been on books, but I'm sure I have a song in me or two. Maybe your band could sing it!

Me: Alright, go plug where you can get your book, Jeff.

Jeff: You can find my books on Amazon through this link: amazon.com/Jeff-Trelewicz/e/B00SYXM2NS/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1465589145&sr=1-2-ent.

Me: And do you have a website you wanna mention?

Jeff: I also have a blog about my writing at Jefftrelbooks.wordpress.com. The company that Jeremy and I started has a webpage too! Wix.com/twodudesbrewsbooks. Okay, I'm out of links.

Me: Thanks again for being here on the Phile as always. Footballs season is right around the corner. So, start thinking about that. Take care, and chat soon.

Jeff: Hang in there, Jason. See you for Phootball Talk.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz as always. The Phile will be back on Thursday with rapper Kristoff Krane. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker