Friday, February 20, 2009

Without Me It's Just Aweso


, welcome to another entry of the Phile, the most updated blog on the internet. Today it's my 21 anniversary working at Epcot at Walt Disney World. Twenty-one years... I think now officially I can drink on the job. This is funny, I saw a car the other day with two bumper stickers... "I Love My Wife" and "I Love Curves" which was weird. Happy Late Presidents Day! A solemn day in America, where we celebrate presidents past by getting a great deal on mattresses and big screen TVs. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has issued a stern warning to Kim Jong Il: “Stop wearing my pantsuits.” It’s International Flirting Week. I guess we’re supposed to know how to flirt. Like if a woman scratches her head, she’s flirting... or she has fleas. There’s a new study that says the bad economy can lower men’s testosterone levels. I really don’t think I can lose anymore. Scientists are saying that by the end of the decade, Ann Coulter could be a woman. Reports say that President Obama is moving towards the Swedish models of banking. A president moving towards Swedish models? That hasn’t happened since the Clinton administration. Even Trump is losing money. His casino in Atlantic City is going bankrupt. I am worried about Atlantic City. With casinos going bankrupt, I'm worried things there could get a little seedy. Obama’s spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress a jar of peanuts. Even when peanuts are salmonella free, some people are allergic to them. Some people, like one CNN anchor, can’t even say the word peanuts: “Northwest Airlines began serving peenus this month. Travelers with allergies are flooding the carrier with complaints.” Someone had a hell of a Valentine’s Day. President Obama was in Arizona speaking about the housing crisis. Arizona seems like a strange place to be speaking about the crisis because most of the homes there are owned by John McCain. Obama has addressed two of the three problems he said he would to avert a financial crisis... the first was to get the stimulus package passed, the second was the housing crisis, and the third is to get all of us to eat our pets. Things are bad in California. Gov. Schwarzenegger has done everything he can to get fellow Republicans to back his plan because it involves a tax increase. He told them he’d be back; he’s said, “Hasta la vista, baby”; he even threatened to terminate them. A new study says that in America rich people are ruder than poor people. I didn't think anyone hadn't figured that out. But I don't think there are any rich people left. Rich people are rude because of what's happening in Switzerland. One of the largest Swiss banks is revealing their secret client list to the IRS, according to The New York Times. The Times wrote about it so it must be partially true. Bad news for the octuplet mom, Nadya Suleman. The house where she lives with her mom is in foreclosure. If she loses the house, Nadya will be forced to get pregnant again so she can live in the hospital for another three months. It might be time to sell one of those kids to Jennifer Aniston... or one of her friends. 


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs Christian Bale Was Your Valentine 
10. Instead of shooting you with arrows, Cupid is hurling F-bombs at you.
9. He surprises you with a romantic weekend getaway to the Anger Management Clinic.
8. Sweet little dirty talk is whispered into your ear at 120 decibels.
7. He takes you to Zales to pick out matching brass knuckles.
6. He says those three little words, all of which are four letters.
5. Holes punched in the walls are in the shape of a heart.
4. You get a card that begins, "Roses are fucking red, violets are fucking blue...".
3. The heart left on your doorstep is real.
2. Lovingly removes thorns from roses for you, then sticks them in lighting guy's ass.
And the number one sign Bale was your Valentine... 
1. Instead of a card you send him a restraining order.


A chemical mistake at the O'Connor Electro-Plating Co. in Los Angeles causes a huge explosion, killing 17 and leaving a 22 foot crater. Four city blocks suffer severe devastation, with over 100 buildings damaged.
An erroneous warning is emitted on the Emergency Broadcast System causing a number of stations to go off the air, and others to completely ignore the alert (thus pointing out that many key stations would not react to any emergency broadcast over the system.)
After some heavy drinking, Bon Scott, vocalist for heavy metal band AC/DC, is found in a friend's automobile choked on his own vomit.
Ballerina Julia Pak marries the ghost of Sun Myung Moon's dead son, Heung Jin Moon, in a tasteful necro-ceremony. The couple were engaged to be married, but a car accident in December intervened. Unfortunately in the Moonie religion, only married couples may enter Heaven, hence the need for this awkward rite.
A paper bag at a Salt Lake City computer store explodes, injuring store owner Gary Wright. It is the second time the Unabomber has used the old "paper bag in the parking lot" trick.
I started my Disney career in Custodial at Epcot. 
Victor Willis, the "cop" in the Village People is charged in Nevada on drug possession (45 grams of cocaine), possession of drug paraphernalia, and strong armed robbery. The events occurred February 15. Willis, 45, listed his occupation as "unemployed" and generously gave approval for his hotel room to be searched.
A fire at a West Warwick, R.I. performance of eighties hairspray legends Great White caused by the band's indoor pyrotechnics leaves 100 dead. The pyrotechnics were illegal in that nightclub venue, and use of them by the band had been forbidden by other local venues. Guitarist Ty Longley is among the dead, his last journal entry containing the words: "I say we send a bunch of bands, food, artists, strippers, bartenders, proctologists, psychologists and lots of love over to Iraq and North Korea for a big party!"
Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson blows his brains out with a shotgun in his Woody Creek, Colorado home. Family members are in the house when the gun goes off but mistake the sound for a falling book. Rolling Stone releases his final written words: "No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun—for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax—This won't hurt."


Q: Why do men pay way more for car insurance? 
A: Because women can’t get blow jobs while driving.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck." the firefighter said with admiration. 
"Thanks," the girl replied. 
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." 
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


We went in three major directions tonight with the plot, skipping one group of "heroes" altogether, and surprisingly not missing them. First we had more drama in the Bennett household, complete with Claire rebelling against her father. It's nice to see that fifty episodes into the series, Claire's character has really grown and evolved into a mature young woman. The same goes for Hiro, who's gone from being an immature man-child with delusions of grandeur to an immature man-child with delusions of grandeur. Hmmm, doesn't sound as impressive when you put it like that. Claire learned that Aqualad is working at a comic book store, though he's apparently going to have to quit that job. Hopefully he doesn't own the place. Now he lives in her closet. I've always wanted to have the junior version of the lamest Justice League member in my closet. He's totally ready if a massive flood sweeps through the neighborhood and submerges the Bennett household up through the second floor. Then he can save her. Until then she'll have to keep him fed and take out his litter box regularly or mom will get suspicious. It was "Rebel" that tipped her off to Aqualad's impending danger at yonder comic shop. But who is it? Someone who knows the inner workings of Nathan's gestapo. My money's on HRG himself. Though tipping Claire off and then yelling at her later makes him a little flip-floppy. Or maybe he's just maintaining his cover. They are all under surveillance. I wonder if that means the Hunter knows HRG has been abducted by the Goober Gang (Matt, Peter and Suresh). Sylar and his protege continued their quest across the country to meet Sylar's father. But other than another failed attempt to apprehend the serial killer that trek is looking pretty boring. Telling was Sylar going back and rescuing the boy, though he did so for other reasons. As Junior said, though, he could have just as easily left him there. Our other plot was Hiro and Ando in India stopping a wedding. Why this was important wasn't mentioned tonight, but I'm sure it is. Maybe the bride-to-be has a power. We got Hiro acting incredibly jealous of Ando because Ando got to be the hero at first. Even though the objective was accomplished, Baby Hiro couldn't stand it, pouting until Ando was abducted. Nice to see that he, like Claire, has matured through all these astonishing experiences they've had. It's time now to start building the underground railroad to Canada. Aqualad can't keep living at the Bennett household, but where in the USA is going to be safe. Especially now that Tracy was kind enough to kill a man in front of the Department of Homeland Security Party-Pooper so that Nathan could get his funding. If she thought that was going to get her preferential treatment from Nathan, she has to know better than that. Nathan's a dick. He could have proven that people with powers exist to the Pooper much simpler than costing a man his life by just flying. Or hovering a bit. But then that would have exposed him as a hypocrite. Which he is. And a dick. Good guy, that Nathan. At least he has Claire off-limits. Maybe Nathan is "Rebel." That would make him crazy, too.


Finally, we get to the point where we're starting to see the Top 12. Based on the performances, America chose the first three contestants to sail through. But first, we had the requisite judge's banter, promotional spots, and torturous "after the break" moments. Oh, and the musical number with all 12 contestants dancing and singing "I'm Yours." I'm not a big fan of the choreographed group numbers. They're just so awkward and weird. But whatever. Then Ryan chatted up the contestants. Anoop Desai said that everyone was fairly relaxed, but then Ryan got all creepy on him and pressed Anoop into saying, "This is the most nervous I've ever been." Way to ratchet up the stress level, Ryan. Then Ryan went after asked Stevie Wright how she was doing. Remember that Stevie really didn't do that well last night. In fact, she sucked big time. But she said she's proud to have gotten this far, so whatever happens, it's all good. The lights were dimmed, and Casey Carlson was first to be called into the spotlight (kiss of death). She said even though the judges were tough on her and said she picked the wrong song, she still had fun. But she'll have to continue having fun at home, because America voted and Casey is not in the top 12. Stephen Fowler was next, and given the boot just as quickly. Alexis Grace was next, and she's such a sweetie. After being told she was the first to make it into the top 12 (yay!)... and a few close-up shots of her weeping dad... Alexis was asked to sing again. She's an awesome singer, and America definitely got it right. Ricky Braddy and Jackie Tohn were next, and neither made it through. No surprise there, as neither one was particularly memorable. Anoop Desai and Michael Sarver were brought up together. Michael said his heart was pounding out of his chest, but tomorrow's another day if he doesn't make it through. Then the news: Michael is going through, while Anoop heads home. After a shameless promo for the American Idol Experience at Walt Disney Resort in Florida... where season 7's Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sang "The Letter"... Ann Marie Boskovich, Brent Keith, and Stevie Wright were brought up. Not surprisingly, none of them made it through. Then the moment of truth. Danny Gokey and Tatiana Del Toro were brought up together. Tatiana, who was wearing Paula's star bracelet, along with the ring she gave her, could barely speak. And it was even worse "after the break," when Ryan said that Danny was going through, and Tatiana was going home. Yay! America got it right! And let's hope Tatiana even though she did a pretty good job last night -- doesn't return as a wild card. And... how to say this... you could tell that the others were just consoling her to be nice. I get the feeling Tatiana didn't exactly win any popularity contests around there. Next week, the next group of 12 will sing for their lives. Note that the show airs on Wednesday and Thursday.


Spoiler Alert! If you haven't read "Watchmen" and wish to remain unspoiled, read no further than paragraph 2. Watchmen buzz (good and bad) is building to the point that comic fans can't even sleep at night. But director Zack Snyder isn't content with that, oh no. At an MTV Spoilers screening of the film, Snyder revealed that he has the director's cut all ready to go (as Erik told us earlier) -- and you will see it considerably sooner than you thought.  "The director's cut is three hours and 10 minutes and comes out in July," Snyder said, describing his original cut as "considerably more violent than this ... and sexier." And if Watchmen does well, the director's cut will get a theatrical release in Los Angeles and New York. (If it does really well, might those of us stuck in the middle get to see it?) If you're wondering what has been cut out of the book (besides a certain squid), Snyder gave a few hints when he revealed the DVD plans. Watchmen hits DVD shelves this fall, and will include what Snyder dubs the "Crazy Ultimate Freaky Edition" that will work in those time-omitted extras like Tales of the Black Freighter, Hollis Mason's death, more Manhattan moments on Mars and dialogue-heavy scenes with the newsstand-bonding Bernies.  There's at least one thing on that list I'm really surprised didn't make the final theatrical cut, but it's comforting to know that just about every tiny story detail is making its way to fans in one format or another. It doesn't matter what else comes out after March 6 -- clearly, this year belongs to Watchmen... so far.


Thanks for reading another entry of the Phile. Tomorrow the Phile will be back with an interview with comedian Aaron Pabon. Then on Sunday it's James Reber from the band Fight the Current. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd. 

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