I'm Outdoorsy In That I Like Drinking Outside

PHIRST OF

Hi there, welcome to another Phriday entry of the Phile. So, how is everybody? So, what do you think of Phelps now, kids? That lucky photographer gets a picture of him with a bong and all I get is a pictue of him on a Segway! You know, if I had the lung capacity of a dolphin I would be sucking from a bong as well. The federal government is launching an investigation into how the Super Bowl was interrupted by porn. It’s going to be led by Bill Clinton. Eyewitnesses say Lindsay Lohan threw a tantrum at an airport. It seems she was upset because they didn’t have a separate bathroom for fake lesbians. Obama has set a salary cap for Wall Street fat cats. He’s going to put a cap on salaries of executives whose companies were part of the bailout. The limit the can make in a year is $500,000. Experts say the cap doesn’t just affect the CEOs, it affects their chauffeurs, their cocaine dealers... their hookers... It’s freezing everywhere — it even froze here in Florida. It’s so cold, people can’t even go to the jobs they don’t have anymore. Thank God for the Snuggie. Hot MILF Sarah Palin is back in the news. She’s been criticizing anonymous bloggers. She calls them pathetic. Apparently, she feels that unknown people should not be criticizing politicians. Unless the unknown person is running for vice president. I am not anonymous, Sarah, and if you're reading this... I LOVE YOU! Unemployment is the worse it’s been in 25 years. Here’s how bad it is: Right now, people are begging to work with Christian Bale. President Barack Obama is busy trying to get his stimulus package passed. Today it moved to the Senate for debate, where people like Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley gave expert analysis of it with posters he made: “Groundhog Day is a recurring event. It is also the title of a famous film starring Bill Murray.” “The message was, Bill, guided by Phil the groundhog, had to figure out what he was doing wrong. Once he figured it out, he escaped the infinite loop. On this bill before us, we need to learn from Bill.” Wow. That was worth the trip to Kinkos, wasn’t it? That was the stupidest analogy I ever saw. I’m not even sure he saw the movie, to be honest. And finally, this just in: Things are tough right now. Companies are making major cuts. Even Ryan Seacrest is down to eight jobs. 

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...

Top Ten Ways the Bad Economy Affected the Super Bowl 

10. The 50-yard line has been replaced with a bread line
9. A lot less super-y, a whole lot more bowl-y
8. Instead of Disneyland, the MVP will be going to Oakland
7. The Goodyear Blimp is now a fat guy painted blue and gold
6. Field goals are worth only 2 points
5. Halftime show: Marvin Springsteen
4. Referee demanding cash upfront to fix game
3. Stadium security provided by Paul Blart, Mall Cop
2. No pre-game coin toss -- coin stolen by Bernie Madoff
And the number way the bad economy is affected by the Super Bowl...
1. The players have to share their guns

SOMEONE PHAMOUS HAS DIED

Lux Interior: Design flaw.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPER'S

When ordering things by telephone, Stewart Pearce tends to take a proactive approach to the inevitable question “What is your address?” If you’re smirking at this sign, you’re mispronouncing the town’s name. It’s PENNIS-tun. He lays it out straight, so there is no room for unpleasant confusion. “I say, ‘It’s spelled “crap,” as in crap,’ ” said Mr. Pearce, 61, who has lived in Crapstone, a one-shop country village in Devon, for decades. Disappointingly, Mr. Pearce has so far been unable to parlay such delicate encounters into material gain, as a neighbor once did. “Crapstone,” the neighbor said forthrightly, Mr. Pearce related, whereupon the person on the other end of the telephone repeated it to his co-workers and burst out laughing. “They said, ‘Oh, we thought it didn’t really exist,’ ” Mr. Pearce said, “and then they gave him a free something.” In the scale of embarrassing place names, Crapstone ranks pretty high. But Britain is full of them. Some are mostly amusing, like Ugley, Essex; East Breast, in western Scotland; North Piddle, in Worcestershire; and Spanker Lane, in Derbyshire. Others evoke images that may conflict with residents’ efforts to appear dignified when, for example, applying for jobs. These include Crotch Crescent, Oxford; Titty Ho, Northamptonshire; Wetwang, East Yorkshire; Slutshole Lane, Norfolk; and Thong, Kent. And, in a country that delights in lavatory humor, particularly if the word “bottom” is involved, there is Pratts Bottom, in Kent, doubly cursed because “prat” is slang for buffoon. As for Penistone, a thriving South Yorkshire town, just stop that sophomoric snickering. “It’s pronounced ‘PENNIS-tun,’ ” Fiona Moran, manager of the Old Vicarage Hotel in Penistone, said over the telephone, rather sharply. When forced to spell her address for outsiders, she uses misdirection, separating the tricky section into two blameless parts: “p-e-n” — pause — “i-s-t-o-n-e.” Several months ago, Lewes District Council in East Sussex tried to address the problem of inadvertent place-name titillation by saying that “street names which could give offense” would no longer be allowed on new roads. “Avoid aesthetically unsuitable names,” like Gaswork Road, the council decreed. Also, avoid “names capable of deliberate misinterpretation,” like Hoare Road, Typple Avenue, Quare Street and Corfe Close. (What is wrong with Corfe Close, you might ask? The guidelines mention the hypothetical residents of No. 4, with their unfortunate hypothetical address, “4 Corfe Close.” To find the naughty meaning, you have to repeat the first two words rapidly many times, preferably in the presence of your fifth-grade classmates.) The council explained that it was only following national guidelines and that it did not intend to change any existing lewd names. Still, news of the revised policy raised an outcry. “Sniggering at double entendres is a loved and time-honored tradition in this country,” Carol Midgley wrote in The Times of London. Ed Hurst, a co-author, with Rob Bailey, of “Rude Britain” and “Rude UK,” which list arguably offensive place names — some so arguably offensive that, unfortunately, they cannot be printed here — said that many such communities were established hundreds of years ago and that their names were not rude at the time. “Place names and street names are full of history and culture, and it’s only because language has evolved over the centuries that they’ve wound up sounding rude,” Mr. Hurst said in an interview. Mr. Bailey, who grew up on Tumbledown Dick Road in Oxfordshire, and Mr. Hurst got the idea for the books when they read about a couple who bought a house on Butt Hole Road, in South Yorkshire. The name most likely has to do with the spot’s historic function as a source of water, a water butt being a container for collecting water. But it proved to be prohibitively hilarious. “If they ordered a pizza, the pizza company wouldn’t deliver it, because they thought it was a made-up name,” Mr. Hurst said. “People would stand in front of the sign, pull down their trousers and take pictures of each other’s naked buttocks.” The couple moved away. The people in Crapstone have not had similar problems, although their sign is periodically stolen by word-loving merrymakers. And their village became a stock joke a few years ago, when a television ad featuring a prone-to-swearing soccer player named Vinnie Jones showed Mr. Jones’s car breaking down just under the Crapstone sign. In the commercial, Mr. Jones tries to alert the towing company to his location while covering the sign and trying not to say “crap” in front of his young daughter. The consensus in the village is that there is a perfectly innocent reason for the name “Crapstone,” though it is unclear what that is. Theories put forth by various residents the other day included “place of the rocks,” “a kind of twisting of the original word,” “something to do with the soil” and “something to do with Sir Francis Drake,” who lived nearby. Jacqui Anderson, a doctor in Crapstone who used to live in a village called Horrabridge, which has its own issues, said that she no longer thought about the “crap” in “Crapstone.” Still, when strangers ask where she’s from, she admitted, “I just say I live near Plymouth.”

FEBRUARY 6TH IN HISTORY

1911

Ronald Reagan, who appeared in such films as Jap Zero, Girls on Probation, and Bedtime for Bonzo, born in Tampico IL.
1943
Actor Errol Flynn acquitted of raping an adolescent. The woman had actually tried this shakedown with other celebrities and wasn't quite an adolescent despite her testifying with pigtails and a lollipop. Flynn had just finished a film called "Gentleman Jim" and at the end of the film when he says to Maureen O'Hara: "I never said I was a Gentleman." Peals of knowing laughter rang out from audiences.
1951
Radio personality Paul Harvey is arrested for trying to break into Argonne Atomic Lab.
1983
Klaus Barbie, the "Butcher of Lyon" who had been living as a mild-mannered Bolivian businessman, charged with Nazi war crimes. He is later sentenced to life imprisonment and dies in 1991.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

SHARPENING AXES

Everyday Words With Disturbing Alternate Meanings

So the whole news world was up in arms recently because of this newscast referring to Barack and Michelle Obama "fisting" each other in the White House, the speaker blissfully unaware of the unsettling slang definition of the term. And while we can all laugh at that lady and her obliviousness, the truth is there are all sorts of everyday words that, in the right crowd, will draw the same muffled laughter as the fisting gaffe up there. Such as...

Cottage 

You Know It As: A small, quaint house favored by the idle, rich, hobbits and humans in Warcraft. But It Can Also Be:A public urinal that is used for homosexual intercourse, as well as the arrangement of some.
Russian and Italian
You Know Them As: Languages favored by Communist dictators and wacky pasta chefs, respectively. But They Can Also Be: The acts of rubbing your penis between breasts and ass-cheeks, respectively.
Oats
You Know It As: A staple animal feed, a visually unappealing breakfast dish and the first thing you think of when Quakers are mentioned. But It Can Also Be: A merciless, retributive beating.
Iron
You Know It As: A plentiful ore, a handy device for smoothing out creases and the second album from Finnish heavy metal gods Ensiferum. But It Can Also Be: A male homosexual, usually a prostitute.
Explosion
You Know It As: The best part of any Die Hard movie, and the second largest export from the Middle East. But It Can Also Be: The act of childbirth.
Attic, Bunny, Fiddle, Leather, Magnet, Money, Mushroom, Pancake, Purse, Quarry, Shell and Valve
You Know Them As: A dozen unrelated items, completely lacking in any significant likeness or common linking thread. But They Can Also Be: Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina and vagina. [Malcolm Christiansen]

HEROES

Now that's more like it! Yes, we're only one hour into this fourth volume ("Fugitives") of "Heroes", but already we're looking at a vastly improved product. We're no longer fragmented trying to keep track of a million different seemingly unrelated storylines. Everything's connected, there's a very common and familiar enemy that needs to be dealt with, and it's a natural progression from where we've come. Nathan's progression to the point we see him Monday has been handled pretty well. From the beginning, he was always portrayed as kind of a dick who felt pretty differently than Peter about abilities and those with them. Now we see just how strongly he feels. The addition of Zejlko Ivanek ("Damages") as the man in charge of the hunter squads is a great casting choice. Already he brings an intensity to the role that's much appreciated. It's early to say, but this reminded me so much of the tone and atmosphere of the first season that I think we can declare "Heroes" back. Yes, it still has its logic flaws, such as the apparent change to how Peter's powers work, but as all comic book fans know, you can ultimately explain away any inconsistency. It's comic book logic, so it's illogical by nature. You can even get a "No Prize" for coming up with an explanation for a writer's screw up. With Peter, it's easy enough to say that since he lost and regained his power through an artificial stimulant, that they've come back in a modified way. What this might mean is that he very well could have a very limited power set now. No longer does he absorb powers just from proximity. Apparently, he has to touch someone to get their ability now, which means he may only have Nathan's powers, and now Tracy's and Mohinder's. But then again, we don't know what he's been up to the past several months, and as we saw when he got Jessica's power, it may happen whether he wants it to or not upon physical contact. It's good to have Mohinder back on the side of "good," such as it is. We can explain away his behavior by saying he was driven insane by his power. Still, he did some pretty dastardly things. I wonder if super-strength is the limit of his abilities now? I'm also very pleased that Hiro seems to be remaining powerless for now, and word is he will stay that way for awhile. The time travel element was making things too complex and ridiculous after the first season. Now we can have a straightforward linear plot happening in one era. It's also good that we seem to have streamlined the cast a bit. Matt now has the artist's precognitive abilities (I hope he keeps Usutu as a guide in his head), and we're keeping things tight to our core cast. That's not to say that there may not be a few new faces underneath those hoods on the plane. In fact, I hope that there are, because this is a good and natural way to introduce them to the cast and the show. I bet the guy that flew out the hole Peter accidentally made was someone new... and now dead. Damn, it was just so good to see "Heroes" this good again. NBC did right by promoting this as the new season of "Heroes", even though it's just the continuation of the third. Better for people to think this is all new. Maybe they should have put it on after the Super Bowl instead of "The Office". It was tailored perfectly as a new introductory episode to the series. I guess, though, they did the next best thing: promoted the hell out of it during the big game. 

GEEK TALK

The main item on my agenda today is a bite-sized Thor update. Marvel's editor Joe Quesada and "Avengers" writer Brian Michael Bendis held a very public conversation via Twitter yesterday which revealed they had been chatting with Kenneth Branagh about Thor. Twittered Quesada: "Okay, three words describe my day today: 'Branagh gets it!' ... Sweet is when [Branagh] starts quoting continuity and past storylines. The man has immersed himself in Marvel." Bendis remained pretty silent on the topic, but the idea that he's involved with Thor's movie is really promising. The excited-to-be-cast Brandon Routh told Collider that Edgar Wright will be making Scott Pilgrim Vs the World a mix of animation and live action. "It's a really interesting movie, people are gonna be shocked by this. It's a great mix of real time, real people and some drawn animation. [There are] some really cool things that [Wright] is doing with it. It's going to look awesome." To celebrate the Ghostbusters 25th anniversary, Mattel is releasing a full line of 12-inch Ghostbuster figures, complete with equipment -- and this time around, you'll actually get a Peter Venkman that looks like Bill Murray! Prototypes will be at the New York ComicCon, so if you're going, keep your eyes peeled for them. There will also be a set of 6-inch figures that will debut at San Diego ComicCon -- and this set is supposed to come with ghosts to actually bust. David Nutter is set to direct a big-screen adaptation of Freemind, the Future Comics series by Bob Layton, David Michelinie, and Dick Giordano. The series followed McKinsey Flint, a man who suffers from a degenerative disease that confines him to a wheelchair. He decides to build himself a new android body, only to discover that it gives him superpowers -- powers which he doesn't want. If this sounds a little reminiscent of Tony Stark, that's probably because both Layton and Michelinie were responsible for his famous "Demon in a Bottle" story arc. Unfortunately, Future Comics is now defunct, so I can't dig up a preview for you -- but clearly, superheroes tormented by inner demons are the new trend. [MTV Splash Page]

CHECK OUT MY PHRIENDS

Last weekend I posted an interview with director Ari Gold and he asked if I mentioned his websites this week so here they are. Check them out, he is a very talented director, kids.

www.adventuresofpower.com/AdventuresOfPower.html

www.facebook.com/pages/Adventures-of-Power/
www.myspace.com/adventuresofpowermovie

PHINALLY

Well, that;s it for another Phriday entry of the Peverett Phile. Tomorrow I will be posting an interview with Canadian singer sensation Sabrina Korva and then on Sunday it's Brian Ruhe from the band Daemon Familiar. Then the Phile will be back next Phriday for another entry, so until then, spread the word, not the turd. 

Phelps had his bong, I have my Starbucks Coffee Frappuccino.