Thursday, September 25, 2008

Palin '08: Restoring America's Confidence In Bush

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet. Well, tomorrow at Epcot starts another Food and Wine Festival, or as the park will be known for: Every Person Comes Out Toasted. The first band is to perform there this year is Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, which is not a bad guy from a James Bond movie. Tee hee. Logan got his yellow belt in karate a few days ago. I had a yellow belt once, but only because I peed on it. Clay Aiken finally revealed he is gay in People magazine. I have no gaydar but even I saw that one coming. The Dow’s going bananas . . . it’s going up one day, down the next — it’s like Sarah Palin’s hair. Computer hackers broke into Sarah Palin’s e-mail. They posted her mail on the Internet. It’s disgraceful. I urge everyone not to read Gov. Palin’s emails — especially any drooling, adolescent love-letters from someone known as Jason from Tough blow for Barack Obama. Yesterday, a key Democratic fundraiser switched sides. She said Obama was too elitist. She is none other than Lady Lynn Forest de Rothschild. She’s worth a gazillion dollars. That’s it Obama — you’ve lost the people’s vote. She’s a lawyer as well. Is it wise to be hanging around Republicans after what Cheney did to his lawyer? Finally some good news this week: The chairman of the Fed called for a do-over. We’re just going to start the week over. The government had to bail out two huge companies, and today they strongly hinted that they’d bail out others . . . at taxpayers’ expense of course. It’s all part of a new approach that leaders in the White House and Congress are taking — it’s called socialism. The president briefly came out of hiding today to say that he shares the public’s concerns. Donald Trump called in to the “Larry King” show the other night. He said he was voting for John McCain. So what, I say. I have no idea what that thing on his head is voting for. It’s the baseball playoffs. It isn’t easy being a Mets fan. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and this season is no exception. What we do is, we drink. We drink until we pass out. The federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banks. One expert said it cost Americans $1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, 10BillGateses and 35 Oprahs still don’t add up to a trillion dollars. How it’s going to be handed out is still unclear. All we know for sure is that it’s a trillion dollars, and it’s going to be hosted by Howie Mandel. According to a new survey, more Americans would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50-47 percent. Mostly because McCain has to get up every 10 minutes to go to the bathroom. Did anybody watch the Emmys? I didn't. The Emmys were the lowest rated in history. More people watched the Minnie Me sex tape. Don Rickles and Kathy Griffin presented an award. It’s great to see that grizzled old timer still get the laughs. And Rickles is funny, too.
Best drama went to the Green Bay Packers, I think. This is interesting: According to vehicle registration records, John and Cindy McCain own 13 cars, and Barack and Michelle Obama only own one. The McCains have 13 — which, to be fair, is only one for each house. They have a Cadillac GTS, a Lexus, 10 rascal scooters, and a hearse. Google is releasing a new phone. It’s called the G1. John McCain was very excited when he heard about it. When he heard G1, he said “Bingo!” In next week's People, Ruben Studdard will announce he's black. President Bush made a farewell speech in front of the U.N. General assembly. I thought he spoke quite powerfully today, especially at the end of his speech when he said, “Could we borrow some money?” My favorite band name at the moment: Morningwood.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list:
Top Ten Questions On The O.J. Simpson Juror Application
10. Can you be fair-minded during this murderer's trial?
9. Have you been attacked by Mr. Simpson in the past 6 to 12 months?
8. Are you familiar with his previous work?
7. How do you feel about sequels?
6. Experience is important -- on how many previous O.J. juries have you served?
5. Would you help O.J. find his wife's killer after the trial?
4. Can we put you down to serve on the next O.J. jury, which we tentatively plan to be in 2-3 years?
3. Can your opinion easily be swayed by phrases that rhyme?
2. Are you here just for the O.J. memorabilia?
And the number one question on the O.J. Simpson juror application... 
1. Are you one of the real killers?


It was the ultimate expression of road rage. A furious woman driver died after ramming another vehicle and spinning her wheels so fast that her own car burst into flames. Serena Sutton-Smith, 54, burnt to death after refusing to get out of her Vauxhall Nova as she sat with her foot flat on the accelerator. She spun the wheels so fast that her tyres disintegrated and the metal rims sent a shower of sparks into the engine, igniting the brake fluid and setting the car on fire. Appalled onlookers urged her to get out of the car as the flames licked around her but she told them to “Fuck off”, an inquest in Gloucester was told. The road-rage attack took place on a quiet country road in the Cotswolds between Weston sub Edge and Mickleton in Gloucestershire. The inquest heard that Paula Small was driving her Fiat Punto when Ms Sutton-Smith emerged from a side road without stopping, causing her to swerve to avoid a collision. Mrs Small was forced on the grass verge and she flashed her lights as Ms Sutton-Smith passed her. Ms Sutton-Smith then pulled over and Mrs Small stopped a short way in front of her. She was getting out when the Vauxhall Nova rammed her car. Mrs Small said: “I opened my door and put my foot out but as I was getting out there was a bang and I hit my head on the door frame. I was frozen with terror.” As neighbours came to investigate they saw Ms Sutton-Smith sitting with a furious expression, revving her engine and spinning her wheels. Nicholas Willmore told the inquest that he was in his workshop at Cottage Farm Antiques when his mother alerted him to what was happening outside. As he walked across the road to the two cars he saw smoke coming from the engine of the Nova. He said: “There was a deafening sound of an engine running as though someone had a foot stuck on the accelerator. “The car’s front wheels were spinning and there was loads of revving. I could see a biggish person at the wheel and there was movement in the car. Flames were coming from underneath the car and I thought the person might be trapped inside although I couldn’t hear any shouting. “I opened the driver’s door wide. It opened easily. The person looked at me, it was a big built woman. I said ’You’ve got to get out of the car. It’s going to burst into flames’.The person replied ’Fuck off, just fuck off’ and she raised her right fist towards me in a threatening manner before slamming the door shut. “I was a bit bewildered and moved 3-4 yards back. I could see her gesturing towards me. She seemed to be in quite a rage. Both fists were raised and being shaken and the person was looking right at me. “This was definitely done in a manner to tell me to stay away from her car.” Mr Willmore grabbed a fire extinguisher from his workshop but it failed to put out the flames. Another motorist also tried to extinguish the flames. Mr Willmore added: “The heat was getting more and more intense and the flames were growing. I could no longer see inside. There was nothing that could be done to help the person inside. “There was no attempt by the person to get out. In my opinion it was against all human instincts for someone to stay inside that car.” Ms Sutton-Smith was dead by the time fire fighters arrived to put out the blaze. Fire officer Andrew Clayton said: “The circumstances indicate that this was a deliberate act. She remained in the vehicle after ramming a car and then sat with the front wheels spinning until fire developed. “The front nearside passenger wheel gouged into the road surface by 50mm and the tyre was totally destroyed by the friction. This would have produced sparks igniting fluid, most probably brake fluid.” The inquest heard that Ms Sutton-Smith, who had previously worked behind the bar at a working men’s club in Ashton sub Edge, had a history of erratic behaviour and suffered from bipolar disorder. Alan Crickmore, the Gloucestershire coroner, said that her mental condition meant that she failed to appreciate the danger she was in. He said “At no time, prior to becoming incapicitated, was Serena trapped in her vehicle. She was certainly able to get out of it when Mr Willmore opened the door and invited her to do so. “I am driven to the conclusion that if at any time she had wanted to do so before becoming incapacitated she could have got out of the car and would not have died as a result of the fire. “I am satisfied the fire was started because of her deliberate actions. But I am far from satisfied that at that point in time it was her clear intention that death would ensue. “I think it is more likely than not that she failed to understand the peril she was in and the consequences of her actions.” He recorded a verdict of accidental death.


At some point in the next 38 days, you're going to watch a campaign ad and ask yourself if these things could get any more stupid and immature. We decided to find out. What would the ads look like if the legal voting age was lowered, so that campaigns had to target 13 year-old girls? Or 10 year old boys? Or first-graders? How would they reach all of these new, powerful demographics? So, here they are:
1. You Know What Else Is Old? Dinosaurs. McCain '08
2. It's 9 P.M. Who Do You Want Tucking
You In? Obama '08
3. Barack Obama: He'll Bring Mittens Back To Life
4. McCain/Cyrus
5. Don't Fall Under The Dark Lord's Spell! Vote For Barack Obama And The Senator From Delaware
6. Obama 2008: A New Hope
7. G.I. JOHN And The G.O.P. Real American Heroes
8. John McCain Is Rich. He's Highly Skilled In Hand-To-Hand Combat. He's Prepared To Personally Fight For The Justice In This World. We're Not Saying He's Batman Or Anything... But He Could Be
9. John McCain's Daughter Is Hot: Vote McCain
10. Vote For Someone Your Own Size: Kucinich For President
11. Barack Obama Will Bring Back The Old Facebook
12. Change? Who Need's That? Paid For By Tooth Fairies For John McCain


On the NBC talk show "Tomorrow", SNL alumnus Chevy Chase calls actor Cary Grant a "homo." Grant sues, but rumors of his homosexuality follow him for years. The one thing known for certain: Grant is the first person to use the word "gay" in its modern context on film: In Bringing Up Baby, while in a pink fluffy silk rope he exclaimed "I've just gone gay all of a sudden!"
After spending the whole day drinking, Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham dies from alcohol poisoning. His corpse is discovered having choked on its own vomit.
President Carter's brother Billy dies of pancreatic cancer. The "First Brother" distinguished himself by whoring out to the Libyan government, and marketing "Billy Beer" -- considered one of the most abominable pilsner-style lagers ever to hit the American market.
Doogie Howser loses his virginity on ABC television.
In exchange for dropping the forcible sodomy charge against him, former NBC sportscaster Marv Albert pleads guilty to misdemeanor assault and battery. Albert's rape trial brought to light embarrassing allegations that he wears women's underwear, and asked women to procure men for group sex. The sheep issue was never raised. His defense accepted the plea bargain after the judge ruled he would admit information that Albert was involved in a sex fight resulting in the loss of his magnificent toupee.


If you were a little disappointed with last year's strike-shortened season, not to mention that horrible diversion south of the border and that other lengthy one to feudal Japan, "Heroes" is looking to get back on track with its third season. "Volume 3: Villains" began with a two hour premiere, and continues for the first thirteen episodes before giving way to "Volume 4: Fugitives" for the remainder of the season. We know that "Villains" will feature a re-powered Sylar and introduce a whole slew of more super powered baddies to the "Heroes" universe. I can't say that this was the most accessible place for potential new viewers to jump into the storyline, unless they caught that "red carpet" extravaganza before the episode began, but if you were able to keep up with it, they're certainly looking to turn things on their ears this year. That said, Sylar without powers was incredibly disappointing last season, though he still managed to be menacing. Sylar powered back up is downright terrifying. Zachary Quinto continues to be just amazing in this role, you can always feel that scared and unloved little boy underneath his heartless monstrous behavior. Just a little, but it's enough to make his portrayal amazing.


Being the sole man alive never meant you couldn't get a franchise! Variety reports that Warner Bros is putting a prequel to I Am Legend into production. The prequel boasts the return of Will Smith and director Francis Lawrence, and is based on a script outline cooked up by Smith, Lawrence, and producers Akiva Goldsman and James Lassiter. Obviously, it takes place before the plague wiped out New York. I hope they go daring and all Terminator 3-ish, and show Smith as being the scientist responsible for the whole mess. I also hope they name it I Will Be Legend. Top Cow continues its slow takeover of comic book movies -- IESB reports that Fathom movie is back on, despite creator Michael Turner's untimely death. And reportedly, Megan Fox has snagged the lead as Aspen Matthews. It's all from anonymous sources, but given that Magdalena and Witchblade are on their way, I wouldn't be surprised if it's made official before too long. Who needs Iron Man and Samuel L. Jackson cameos? September 30th brings, at long last, your chance to finally own David Hasselhoff's Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D on DVD. Don't think you can pick this up just anywhere, though, it's exclusive to Best Buy. But what price to pay for a cult classic?

Well, that's it for this entry of the Phile. The next entry will be next Thursday. I want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, so please, spread the word, not the turd. Thanks for reading. Peace.

If I was invisible then I could just watch you in your room...

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