Friday, September 5, 2008

I Heart Transitive Pictograph Verbalizations

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. I am your host, the Platypus of Death. So, last Monday guess who I met? The Baltimore Bullet. The most famous American right now. Michael Phelps. He's from Maryland, but I thought he was from Atlantis. Did you know his mother is a dolphin? Mark Spitz called saying he was upset that Phelps was invited to Disney. He was with his girlfriend Nicole, but I thought it was weird that he kept asking where the Little Mermaid was. This weekend I am hoping to get my new car, the Toyota Prius. It has a mp3 player and a rear camera. Q Branch over at MI6 in England is sending it over here as we speak. Many people have asked about Logan, my son. He's great, going to karate lessons twice a week. Yes, he's learning to kick my ass in style. So, have you been watching the Republican National Convention? I decided that I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who turns his business over to his son, but still shows up once a week. There’s a theme each night of the RNC, and the theme for tonight’s convention is, “Who Is John McCain?” Tomorrow night’s theme is, “Who Forgot to Check if the Vice President’s Daughter Is Pregnant?” John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. The family said, “We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.” Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Which Bush calls live via magic. This year, there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota. John McCain was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. They’re the organization of gay Republicans. McCain and the Log Cabin Republicans agree on one thing: They both want to distance themselves from Bush. There seems to be more coverage of Hurricane Gustav than the convention. Both very different, of course. One’s a stormy blast of wind that throws mud everywhere . . . the other’s Hurricane Gustav. A lot of gossip centered around Sarah Palin, McCain’s controversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who only has been running the state of Alaska for two years should fill out a ticket run by a 175-year-old man. Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the family says the young man will marry her. His name is Levi Johnston. They found his MySpace page which was pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out he’s an “F-ing redneck” . . . and another quote from him was, “I don’t want kids.”
Monday, the same day I met Phelps, was Labor Day. I did very American things. I brushed my teeth; I watched NASCAR . . . The first Labor Day parade was held back in 1882. And the grand marshal for that parade? A young senator named John McCain. John McCain lasted 5 1/2 years in a POW camp in North Vietnam — even he couldn’t get through Joe Lieberman’s speech at the Republican Convention last night. Dick Cheney did not attend the convention in Minnesota. Apparently, he had already scheduled a heart attack. Hey, Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters.
Delegates were so captivated by Sarah Palin’s speech last night that at one point, the room got so quiet you could hear Sen. Larry Craig’s toilet flush. Sarah Palin spoke at the Republican Convention last night. She says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage. Palin said, “Everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people — it’s for pregnant teenagers.” She says she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. Which explains why she is in favor of shotgun weddings. TV did great last night. The new version of “Beverly Hills 90210” premiered last night. It was a mix of the old has-beens of the old show, teamed with the sexy nobodys of the new show — kind if like TV’s version of the Republican ticket. I shit you not: Iraq to open Saddam abuse museum at Abu Ghraib. 


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is tonight's top ten list:
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Democratic National Convention
10. "Yes, Mr Gore, I am going to eat that"
9. "It's the biggest thing to hit Denver since John Elway's teeth"
8. "No, this is not the Star Trek convention. That's James Carville, not Spock"
7. "Is that a statue or John Kerry?"
6. "Sorry, no one under 18 is--oh, excuse me Mr. Kucinich, come right in"
5. "Hmmm...where I have heard that Joe Biden speech before?"
4. "Senator Clinton has handcuffed herself to the podium again"
3. "Hey, Senator Craig, what are you doing at the Denver airport?"
2. "Bill Clinton only showed up because he thought Denver was home of the 'Mile-High Club'"
And the number one thing overheard at the DNC...
1. "This is the Barack-iest week of my life"


Jerry Reed: When you're not, you're not.

We break the Phile for a weather report... Hurricane Ike became a formidable Category 4 storm Wednesday night with peak winds around 140 mph. The storm will remain quite powerful as it heads toward the Bahamas this weekend. The initial ocean swells from Ike will begin to impact the Southeast coast on Sunday. Currently, it's too early to tell whether Ike will slam into the Southeast coast next week or turn harmlessly out to sea. That being said, the storm is a serious threat and will be monitored closely day by day. Phans, better restock your hurricane beer. Might as well pick up some NFL week 1 beer while you're there. And now back to your already running Phile.


It turns out a construction site portable toilet wasn't the best place to hide from two men who think you tried to break into their truck. Those portable toilets can be so easy to tip over when you're inside with highly messy results. That's what the Tampa Police Department said happened to Lorenzo Earl Knight, 22, on Saturday afternoon near International Mall. Police said Knight broke into a truck in the mall parking lot, taking a $500 digital camera and the owner's manual. He had just jimmied the door of a second when its owner spotted him, the police report said. Knight took off, leaving behind a shoe and the screwdriver he used to break into the trucks, police said.
The owner of the second truck and a friend chased Knight who tried hiding in a portable toilet at a construction site, police said. The owner and friend found Knight and tipped over the toilet to keep him there until police arrived. Knight was covered with its contents, police said. He was arrested on two counts of burglary of a vehicle and one charge of grand theft. Knight, who did not have a permanent address, was released from the Orient Road Jail after posting $6,000 bond.


George W Bush is arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine for driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.10 percent. He pays the $150 fine and has his driving privileges suspended for a month. Years later, during Bush's 2000 campaign for President, a WPXT-TV reporter from Portland, Maine uncovers the arrest record just one week prior to election day. It is also revealed that Bush's V.P. candidate, Dick Cheney, had arrests for drunken driving in 1962 and 1963.
25 workers are killed when a fire breaks out at the Imperial Foods food processing plant in Hamlet, North Carolina. Most of the victims -- predominantly single mothers -- die of smoke inhalation. The facility's rear exit had been padlocked by management to deter employee pilferage. The Imperial plant had never once in its 11-year history been inspected by the state. The owner, Emmet Roe, later receives 19 years in prison for the 25 counts of involuntary manslaughter.
3'11" actor Herve Villechaize puts a pistol to his chest and commits suicide in his North Hollywood, California home.
During a campaign stop in Naperville, Illinois, Presidential candidate George W Bush turns to running mate Dick Cheney and says, "There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times." Cheney responds, "Oh yeah, he is, big-time." Unbeknownst to the men, their comments are transmitted clearly to the television news feed. Rather than offer a mea culpa to Clymer, Bush later issues this non-apology: "I regret that a private comment I made to the vice-presidential candidate made it onto the public airwaves. I regret everybody heard what I said."


Steven Moffat, the upcoming showrunner for the hit Brit sci-fi television series, has hinted at a big-screen version of "Doctor Who". Upon review of the article, I can only conclude that someone took an offhand statement made by Mr. Moffat and ran with it. Perhaps they're just mentioning it to gauge fan interest in such a project. Rumors will fly, of course. "Doctor Who" movies have been attempted since the days of Tom Baker as the lead role. Two out-of-continuity movies were made in the 1960s (based on William Hartnell episodes of the program) in which thePeter Cushing Doctor fought his greatest enemies, the Daleks. If I had my druthers, I'd want to see a Paul McGann movie that fills in some of the gap between the 1996 movie and the Christopher Eccleston Doctor, but that's just me. Given the logistics of arranging such a thing, I'd put the odds of that happening somewhere between diddly and squat. Still, a movie about the Last Great Time War would be nice.


No more speculation, no more talk of ret-con and false funerals -- Harvey Dent is officially 100% dead. It comes straight from the mouth of Aaron Eckhart, who revealed his character's fate in no uncertain terms to "He is dead as a door nail. He ain't coming back baby!" And lest you doubt that he knows the mind of Christopher Nolan, well, Eckhart asked him whether Two-Face would ever be coming back. "I asked Chris [Nolan] that question and he goes, "You're dead" before I could even get the question out of my mouth. 'Hey Chris, am I?' 'You're dead!' 'Alright, cool.'" There's no chance it will be rewritten or retconned, as he was never even contracted for a third film. "No, I'm not coming back. I think unfortunately, Heath [Ledger] was supposed to go on and that didn't work out. I'm nobody. I'm a cog. I have no say over this sort of stuff. I'm sure that there's so many other characters that they could whip together. I heard Angelina Jolie was going to be Catwoman or something like that. I thought that was a great idea. I'd like to be in that one." Dent's death has now been confirmed via the novelization, the script, the actor, and the director. Though I would say that's as definitive as it gets, fanboys and girls across this great Internet refuse to accept it -- they just believe in Harvey Dent too much. But since we do live in a world where no comic character stays dead, where 299 Spartans can rise again, and Chev Chelios survives a fall from a helicopter, I guess you can hardly blame them.


The date has been set for Warner Bros and Fox to go head to head -- and it should soothe the fearful. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the studios will be going before the judge on January 6th. There's plenty of time, even at a snail's pace, for the issue to be resolved before the March 6th opening. (It's like the courtis going along with the movie marketing -- we'll get a video journal the same day. There really is no such thing as bad publicity in Tinseltown!) Furthermore, U.S. District Court Judge Gary Allan Feess says that Fox shouldn't attempt to file a preliminary injunction against Warners to stop the release of the film because the issues surrounding the case were too complex to be solved in an interim basis. Instead, both studios are being ordered to put their cases together, and start expedited discovery and depositions. This thing could get quite big -- as the New York Times pointed out, Paramount, Legendary Pictures, and even Universal could get hauled into it, alongside Lawrence Gordon, who's really the man in question in all this. And remember, this is if it actually makes it to court. This could easily be settled before Christmas, with Warners handing over a nice chunk of The Dark Knight change just to be done with it. (How appropriate that Bruce Wayne help out other costumed vigilantes.) It depends how fierce the studio is feeling, and how certain they are of their case -- but all signs point to you keeping your March 6th moviegoing plans. You really have to feel bad for the cast and crew on this one, though. All that happy buzz of ComicCon panels and promo posters squashed under a heap of legalese. Oh well, at least Fox can't take away what we've already been given.

There, another entry of the Phile. Remember, 5000 views by Thanksgiving. The next entry of the Phile will be posted next Thursday again. Hey, that's 9/11, Patriot Day. Great. Well, until then, spread the word, not the turd. Let love rule.

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